InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Years of Regrets ❯ One-Shot

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Note: I wrote this as an epilogue to Deepest Wish. I wanted to write one from InuYasha's POW and this is the result. I was running through some titles and I couldn't resist it, but for now, enjoy this, they appear out of nowhere and you never know when the next one is coming. It would be of great help if you have read Deepest Wish before going to this one, although you probably can read this as a stand alone. But just for some facts and background story.

Warnings: Incest, m/m, abuse, Mpreg.

Disclaimer: I don't own InuYasha or any of the original characters from the show.

Read, Enjoy and Review.

Years of Regrets
By Monkan

"You're in the way."

Then he had been pushed away. Out of the way as the blast that would either injure him or even kill him was about to hit him. He had been pushed aside, something that had shocked him. There had to be a mistake, for there were no feelings of anything but hate between them. He hated him, he had his whole life. They may be half-brothers but there were nothing but hatred between them. Although he himself couldn't hate his brother enough to kill him he knew that wasn't the case for the other.

His older full-blooded brother, Sesshoumaru, held no feelings even close to care for him. He hated him so much he tried to kill him most times they meet.

Ever since the fight against Soun'ga it had left something keen to doubt in InuYasha's mind.

There had been no need to push him out of the way. Sesshoumaru had taken the blast all by himself, barely saving his life with Tensaiga's protective shield. The faint gasps of pain that left Sesshoumaru's lips that time haunted InuYasha. It wasn't he that had caused the pain, he hadn't even expected to be pushed aside that time.

Why the hell had he done that?

They hated each other, didn't they?

He had never loved or cared for him so why had he pushed him away?

It made no sense. Sesshoumar had no reason to protect him.

A few weeks had passed since the battle and all their wounds were healed. The experience had been enough to make him doubt things between them. InuYasha had grown up hating his brother. Dirty half-breed, stain to the blood, hanyou. The insults went on so much that he couldn't remember every one of them. It hadn't hurt anymore when he was called that and he was ok with his brother hating him, blaming him for their fathers death.

But... why had Sesshoumaru cared enough for him to push him out of danger?

InuYasha walked alone through the woods, Kagome had gone home to her time for school and wouldn't be back for a few days. Miroku and sango was helping out at the old-hags village. Shippo had been playing around. It all left InuYasha all alone.

Alone to think about it all. He still couldn't understand why Sesshoumaru had acted like that. The more he thought about it the more confused he got.

He walked on without really looking where he went. When he suddenly picked up a strange sound his dog ears twitched and he looked up. He had walked rather deeply into the forest and cursed himself for being careless. He was about to turn around when the same sound came again. He turned first as if to ignore it but then suddenly changed his mind.

It came from behind a few bushes and he peeked through the leaves to see what it was about.

To his embarrassment and dread he came face with a mating youkai couple. Their mating had gone rather far and the female was groaning under her male partner. InuYasha flushed deep red as he stared wide eyed at the scene. He had no idea what kind of youkai they were but he did know that he had to get out of there right away. No one, no matter who they were, was treated kindly if they interrupted a mating.

InuYasha turned to leave when suddenly a gasp left the males mouth and for one brief moment InuYasha stopped his steps before running as fast and as quietly away from the scene. His face was still red and he cursed himself for almost doing something stupid. He had forgotten that mating season was just around the corner, but since he was a hanyou with human blood flowing through his veins he wasn't affected by it like a full blooded youkai. Still, it wasn't enough to let him lose his life just for being at the wrong place at the totally wrong time.

What's more, for a brief moment, barely a second long moment, his mind had conjured up an image in his head. An image that now wouldn't leave him alone. He felt flushed as the image got more and more vivid in his mind, long white hair flowing down around them, long slender finger with claws touching him, a strong lean body against his. His body responded to the fantasy in many ways. But what made him both nervous and fearful was that, in that one moment he had seen himself and Sesshoumaru in the same intimate position. Him being submissive under his older brother and Sesshoumaru being on top and guiding them toward completion.

InuYasha shook his head to get rid of the image. It was sick and wrong. They were blood related and both of them were males. Such a relationship went against everything. Everything that nature called to made it wrong. He felt sick from the thought but... as hesitantly as he would admit it, the thought aroused him at the same time.

His memory even started to play tricks on him, the faint gasps of breath he had heard not so long ago, it was turning into a gasp of pleasure.

InuYasha stopped abruptly and banged his head into the trunk of the nearest tree. The bark cut his head and a thin stream of blood flowed down his head. The metallic smell from it assaulted his senses.

This was hanyou blood, nothing like Sesshoumaru's pure blood. This human stained blood wasn't worthy of being compared to the blood that flowed through the Daiyoukai's veins. The sweet and fresh smell of Sesshoumaru's blood was completely different from his. He had smelled it at that time too. Sesshoumaru's blood had been spilled too that day against Soun'ga, not as much as his own but still there had been blood spilled. He could still remember it, even the feel of it as some drops stained him.

Back then it had been only blood that he wanted to wash away but now it was like an aphrodisiac. His own blood felt like it was on fire, just from the memory of Sesshoumaru's blood.

No, no, no, no, this couldn't be happening. He didn't desire his brother that way. The thought was dishonorable and disgusting. The idea of such an act was outrageous and sick.

There were nothing between them. No care or love. Only hate and maybe a slight feeling of brotherly connection from InuYasha's side but nothing else. Sesshoumaru wasn't capable of such feelings, never have and never will. If the thought made him feel this sick how disgusted wouldn't Sesshoumaru get?

By the way, he had Kagome. He loved her. He had a life with her. He could start over and become human for her sake. He would do anything for her. She cared for him as well, even loved him. So there was no need for him to get so worked up over something like this. Since he already had a woman at his side that he had chosen there was no need to give his disturbing thoughts any more attention.

But the thought wouldn't leave him.

-o-o-o-

Time went by and months passed them by. InuYasha was no longer the mutt he once were. He was beginning to change into a noble man that his youkai blood deemed worthy. He noticed that others attention toward him changed too. His friends remained the same toward him but those they meet backed away an extra step. Not only were he a hanyou but now they could clearly see his youkai origin. His puppet ears remained and so did his childish claws, compared to other youkais' claws his never grew past a certain point and that frustrated him slightly, but they were still just as deadly. His hair had grown to all of a sudden and he had suffer from Kagome's and Sango's desire to braid it all the time. His youki grew and he had Miroku to help him hide it.

But that wasn't the only thing that had changed.

His fleeting memory of his mind playing a dirty trick on him and showing him an image of him and Sesshoumaru mating had escalated into something that he almost couldn't control anymore. What had once been a simple image had turned into a full fledged dream that was so vivid that he could feel the sweat soaking them, feel Sesshoumaru's skin against his, taste every kiss they shared, and what was worst... he could feel the pleasure that their mating created. His backside would sometimes throb suggestively after he woke up in Kagome's arm's.

Always he was the submissive one and always did he beg for more. From time to time their stance changed and each time InuYasha's desire flamed up to new hights.

But it was all wrong.

They were still siblings and the thought made him ill and he felt disgusted afterward. He would go clean himself in the river just to get the lingering sensation out of his skin. His friends had teased him for being a clean freak after he matured. They didn't see how he suffered. How he was tortured by his dreams. He also knew that the dreams would never become true for Sesshoumaru didn't love OR even care for him. He wouldn't even lay his hands on him even if they were the last living beings.

It was years before InuYasha even saw Sesshoumaru again and it was from afar. By that time Kagome had returned to her time, Naraku defeated and the shikon jewel shards collected and after that Kagome never returned. InuYasha couldn't even get to her time through the well and they concluded that there was no chance for Kagome to ever return. Miroku and Sango settled down with Kirara. Shippo stayed with them and InuYasha came by from time to time.

It was then one day that InuYasha saw his older brother. It only lasted for a moment, a single glance over the fields that connected with each other and then it was gone but InuYasha couldn't move from that spot for he felt like his body was glued to it with his life.

He had always thought that Sesshoumaru had been handsome, even beautiful for a guy but what he saw that time went against everything he remembered.

His brother was still beautiful and refinement flowed of him like the waves of the sea, but there were something else. A glint in his eyes that caught in the light. Sesshoumaru left only moments later without a glance back.

The next time InuYasha met Sesshoumaru was also by chance and about six years later. He found Sesshoumaru in one of the more peaceful areas of the woods, seemingly resting. InuYasha stood in front of him and Sesshoumaru didn't move. His heart twitched as he knelt down. He gently touched Sesshoumaru's face. The touch of the skin covering the cheek made InuYasha's finger tips burn with heat.

His dreams shot through his head, his body responding to them and shame flowed through his blood.

InuYasha didn't flinch when Sesshoumaru opened his eyes slowly and glared through half lidded eyes, the same eyes that he had. He honestly expected his older brother to cut of his arm for touching him but to his biggest surprise it remained attached to his body.

What next happened shocked InuYasha, the soft rustle of leaves behind them drew this attention and out from the bushes beside them popped a little head out. The child then threw himself at Sesshoumaru laughing, making InuYasha to flinch back his hand. The pup looked up at him when he realized he didn't know the other demon and it pierced InuYasha like a sword through his heart. There were no doubt that this little pup was his brothers child. The similarities between them were almost scary. A few things were different but there was no question. Sesshoumaru had a child and heir.

Sesshoumaru's arm came up and rested around the childs' body, the tender touch shock InuYasha to the core. Never had he thought his brother could act tenderly in any way of affection.

The hanyou took a step back, opened his mouth but nothing came out. He turned and ran from the scene, unable to look any longer.

His heart felt like it was in a million pieces. The hurt in his chest grew stronger with every breath until he thought he would suffocate. He leaped among the trees, running for as long as his stamina could handle. Which were not as long as he normally did 'cause his stamina was being eaten up faster because of his distress.

When he finally came to a stop he was panting very hard. The air around him were thin and he looked around. He had no idea why he ran here but he knew this place all to well.

It was here it had all started. It was here that he had seen his older brother for the first time. He had not been older than that child was and the impression Sesshoumaru had given him that day had formed their lives. Even though he and that kid shared some blood it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to make his brother love him. It would never be enough. Sesshoumaru's heir was pure blood, from what he had smelled, and he was forever to be a hanyou. No matter how dominant his demon blood would get there would always be human blood flowing through his veins. He would forever be the half-breed of their family. He would never be loved. He would never receive such tenderness from Sesshoumaru.

Tears fell down his face but he could care less. They were heavy from his loneliness and filled with his pain.

The memories of his dreams seemed only as a taunt toward him. There would be nothing between them. Sesshoumaru had a child and that meant he had a mate and to that mate he would be loyal until he died. There were no place for him in his brothers life. No home. No family. No love.

That only made it all harder cause he knew now how much he loved Sesshoumaru. Even though he had tried for years to deny it and forget his feelings, his love for his brother was nothing but sinful.

For years he had tried to deny his growing feelings but it was now that he saw the truth that those years turned into years of regrets.

All he could do was cry for what he had lost that he had never truly had.

He cried for something that he would never have.

Tears as heavy as rocks fell as he could no longer deny it.

He loved his brother.

He always had and always would.

But there were no future for them.

Not now, not ever.

All his desires and love were meant to be as fleeting and painful as the years to come.

Years that he would surely regret.

The End.