Kingdom Hearts Fan Fiction ❯ If This Cat Could Talk... ❯ Giving Up ( Chapter 16 )

If This Cat Could Talk…

By: Ellipsis the Great

DISCLAIMER: Kingdom Hearts and everything affiliated with it belongs to SquareEnix and Disney. All I own is the plot…

Summary: Axel's therapist suggests that he get a cat to help him get over an accident involving his little brother's best friend. It doesn't take him long to realize that strange things are afoot, however…

Rated: T just in case.

Spoilers: None that I know of…

Warnings: Definite yaoi on the horizon, a little angst (obviously), and I suppose I should point out that this is AU…

 

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CHAPTER SEVENTEEN (Final Chapter): Giving Up

 

“You're going to give me up?”

Roxas' voice was more forlorn than I had ever heard it.

“I have to, Roxas.” I curled up in my corner as I hadn't for many dreams. My gaze turned from him to the corner where the shapeless body lay. Only it wasn't shapeless anymore…

It was Sora.

“But…Axel, I don't understand. You said…you love me. And we…” He trailed off, obviously embarrassed. “Doesn't that mean we're life mates?” He asked, kneeling by my side.

“I do love you, Roxas, but I love my baby brother, too. It's a different kind of love, but…Riku has to come first. I ruined…I ruined everything for him.”

“But you aren't the one who ruined everything, Axel.”

“It doesn't matter. I can't just…rub it in by being happy with you.” I said. “I'm sorry.”

We were both quiet for a long time.

“You would give everything to have Sora back?” He asked, not looking at me. “For Riku to be happy…?”

I nodded. “Yeah, I would. I'd give everything up for him.”

“Even me?” His voice was so tiny I hardly heard it.

I paused. “…Yes.” I admitted finally, in a soft whisper. “Even you.” I leaned against him. “He's my brother, Roxas. My baby brother. My only brother. How can I not do anything and everything for him? He…I can't ever have another brother. If I lose him…I mean, I've already mostly lost him, Rox. But you and I could get together any time.”

“Any time after Sora wakes up?” He asked bitterly.

“I promise. And if he never wakes up, I'll find you in the next life, okay?”

He let out a biting laugh, tears streaming down his cheeks. “Sure. The next life.”

I looked away from him. “It's time for me to wake up, now. So I guess…this is goodbye.”

“Yeah.”

“We'll be together someday, Roxie.” I assured him as the dream began to fade away.

He put an almost ghostly hand on my cheek. It almost looked like…he was disappearing.

“Stupid…just because you'll have a next life…” He whispered, pressing ephemeral lips against my cheek.

And then he was gone, and Sora's eyes opened.

 

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The bed was cold when I woke up the next morning.

Though I'm sure it had happened gradually, something about the coldness seemed sudden to me, and my eyes snapped open.

Empty.

“Roxas?” I stood, looking around the room slowly and hoping beyond all hope that he was just in the `comfort box.'

That's when I saw the letter on my desk.

 

Axel,

I guess I never explained my existence to you, huh? I…

No, that's not the right way to put it.

Remember Xemnas' theory about the dark side of people's hearts and all? It's true. I'm the dark side of Sora's heart. My name is an anagram: R-O-X-A-S…S-O-R-A-X. The X is because he's been asleep for ten years.

See, your mom is your guardian angel. She's been listening to you pray all this time…Sora was supposed to die in that crash, Axel. Or…well, a few hours later in the hospital. But you and Riku prayed so hard…your mom was able to curtail it. Prayers make angels stronger, you see. It gives them more power over stuff like this.

Even though your mom could stop him from dying, she couldn't do much more than that. So…he slept. His body healed, and his mind healed. But his heart…didn't heal. The crash woke me up. And as long as I'm awake…Sora can't be complete. So he continues to sleep.

I was trapped inside him, though. I was conscious, and I heard everything. Well…no, not exactly. I always ignored you. I heard Kairi and Riku, though. I guess that's why I was expecting you to be such a horrible person.

And then…and then your mom was finally able to find a way to wake him up. I guess you had to be helped in order to help him. I was always a little fuzzy on that part. Either way, she was able to release me, and sent me to the first and closest soulless body she could find…Cricket. And she sent me to you.

I don't know if she meant for me to fall in love with you. Maybe that's what this was all about—I had to love you enough to give up everything for you…just like you would for your brother. I had to be at peace with everything before I could return to Sora.

But I didn't…I didn't want to go back, Axel. I had just been freed only to find that the sole reason for that was so I could go back to where I was and wake Sora up? And I didn't want to bring you any peace of mind, or whatever I was supposed to do, either. I didn't want to love you. And then, when I realized I did…I didn't want to leave you.

But I…I want you to be happy. And since I'm the one that's stopping that from happening…I'll become one with Sora again.

Naminé says I might be able to come back. She did—she was once the dark side of Kairi's heart, you see—but…I don't think I'll be able to come back. I'm not even sure if I want to come back. If I come back, it will be as a child. And I…what's the point of existing if I can't be with you?

I'm sorry, Axel. I know you just promised we would be together someday, but…we can't, you see? It's the one promise you'll never be able to keep. At least it's being broken so you can keep your promise to your brother, right?

I'll love you forever.

-Roxas

 

The hand holding the letter was shaking when I finished, while the other reached up to cover my mouth. I felt like I should be crying, but my eyes were so dry they stung, and even that didn't bring any tears to my eyes.

“Axel!” Riku burst into my room.

I jerked forward, shoving the letter in my desk split seconds before he threw his arms around me.

“R-Riku?”

“The hospital just called—he's awake, Axel! Sora's awake!” He said, exuberant.

My whole body was trembling, now, but the tears still wouldn't come. “I know.”

“Yeah, you were right!” His embrace tightened. “Thanks for not letting me give up hope, big bro.” And then he was out of the room again, yelling for me to hurry up.

I just stood there for a moment, wondering vaguely how sick it was that I didn't feel excited about Sora's awakening…or how this was the first time in ten years that Riku had sounded happy when I was near.

Eventually, though, I got dressed and left my room, allowing Riku to pull me all the way to the hospital with Pops following close behind. I smiled and kept up, but I didn't speak. The whole thing felt like it was someone else doing all of this.

I wondered caustically if it was the person inhabiting the dark side of my heart.

“Sora? Sora!” Riku threw his arms around the weak boy in the bed, ignoring the gasps of the other inhabitants of the room.

“I'm sorry, but there are too many people in here.” Tifa grabbed my arm. “You'll have to wait outside until someone leaves.”

“No.”

We all looked in the direction of the croaking, but deep voice that had spoken.

Sora, grasped one of Riku's hands in his, reaching toward me with the other.

“Axel…thank you.” He said hoarsely.

“Why are you thanking him, son?” Tidus asked with a slight frown. Even though he had forgiven me, I guess he didn't expect Sora to have done the same. I sure as hell didn't.

“I don't know.” Sora said, eyebrows furrowing together in a painfully familiar way.

He and Roxas looked far too much alike.

“But I feel like I should be thanking him.”

My fake smile dropped, and I think even Riku gasped at the tortured grimace on my face.

“Don't thank me, Sora.” I whispered. “Don't thank me for anything.”

“Axel, are you alright?” Pops asked, putting a hand on my shoulder.

I shrugged. “It doesn't matter.” I smiled, somehow. “The sun's finally come out from behind the moon…Riku can be happy again. So I…I'm fine.”

No one tried to stop me when I turned and ran from the room.

 

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I spent the next couple of weeks…

Breathing, I guess.

I don't really have any memory of the next three months beyond the fact that I lived them. I think I worked, and I'm pretty sure a lot of people tried to snap me out of it—especially Riku and Sora, who had become even more inseparable than before the accident—but everything is fuzzy.

The next real memory I have is of a session with Zexion.

“Axel, you look terrible.” He was saying, I think. My mind was so foggy he could have said anything. “You've hardly spoken to anyone since Sora woke up. I'm concerned…Riku and Reno are scared to death…Axel, what happened to you? Even when you were at your worst after the accident you at least tried to act like nothing was wrong. Are you upset that Sora is awake?”

I think it was that last sentence that really got through.

“I…don't know.” I said.

“Why would you be upset that he's awake? You always used to say that if he would just wake up, you could go back to normal. You could be happy again. But Axel…you're fading away.”

I didn't say anything.

“Axel, talk to me. Please. I'm asking as your friend, now.”

“…Roxas is gone.”

He frowned. “Who's Roxas?”

I blinked up at him. “Who…he was at my party, remember? Blonde hair, blue eyes? Sora's cousin?”

“Axel, I've never met anyone named Roxas.” He said. “And Sora doesn't have any cousins by that name, either.”

I stared at him, not comprehending what he was saying.

“Axel…were you having hallucinations?”

“No, I wasn't having hallucinations!” I snapped. Then I drooped forward, burying my face in my hands. “Never mind. Maybe I was. I don't know, anymore. Everything's all wrong.”

“How so?”

“If I knew that, maybe I could fix it. But I can't. Sora's awake, and Riku's finally happy again, and I know I should be happy, too, but…” I shook my head. “I feel like I'm dead, but my body's still moving.”

“Do you wish you were dead?”

I shrugged. “I dunno.”

He sighed, standing. “Time's up.” He said.

I nodded and stood, following him to the door.

He put a hand on my shoulder.

“Axel…please don't start hurting yourself again.”

I blinked at him.

“You made yourself hurt? You won't do it anymore, will you? You promise you'll never do it again? Please?”

Suddenly, everything that had happened slammed into me. A strangled sound tore out of my throat, and I collapsed to the floor, hardly hearing Zexion's worried questions.

“Call Reno! Now!”

“You help me and I'll help you.”

I started crying harder, wrapping my arms around myself and rocking back and forth, feeling someone's arms wrap around me.

“What's the point of existing if I can't be with you?”

“Stop crying, Axel. You're fine, son. You're going to be fine.”

“I'll love you forever.”

Nothing was fine. Nothing would ever be fine again.

 

~*~ENDFINALCHAPTER~*~