Love Hina Fan Fiction / Excel Saga Fan Fiction ❯ Quack Experimental Fusion Kaolla Saga ❯ The Sacrificial Lamb of The Venomous Great Escape of Hell ( Chapter 3 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Ohayou gozaimasu! Welcome to Kaolla Saga Episode Three!

Enjoy!

-+*+-

Ken Akamatsu owns Love Hina.

Koshi Rikdo owns Excel Saga.

Yami Goku owns zilch.

-+*+-

[At the video store, Ken Akamatsu is walking down the aisles of videos, stopping in the "Action" department. He sees a cassette labeled "Kaolla Saga" and pulls it out. On the box are written words.]

KEN: "I, Ken Akamatsu, do hereby give Yami Goku permission to change Quack Experimental Fusion Kaolla Saga into a B-movie-style Action fic."

[Ken looks at you.]

KEN: Wanna watch?

-+*+-

[Cue Opening Theme, "Love (Loyalty)."]

[A shot of Kaolla does a 360, then Kaolla falls into Keitarazzo's trap hole. Shortly before the title screen, she emerges with a squid on her head.]

QUACK EXPERIMENTAL FUSION

K A O L L A * S A G A

A Love Hina/Excel Saga Fusion FanFic by Yami Goku

~Episode Three: The Sacrificial Lamb of the Venomous Great Escape of Hell~

[Kaolla makes several funny faces at the screen.]

[Kaolla and Mutsumi are lip-syncing to the OT, which is actually being sung by the Excel * Girls.]

Sore wa ai ja nai~~... (*cough* *cough*) ["That isn't love..."]

Ai wa sore ja nai~~... (*cough* *cough*) ["Love isn't that..."]

[The girls are singing on a sidewalk.]

Aishite iru kedo ai sarete wa inai. ["I am in love, but I am not loved."]

[Several shots that include Mutsumi looking at you, looking the other way, collapsing, and laying on a couch soused to the gills.]

Kesshite ai ja nai~~... (*cough* *cough*) ["Definitely isn't love..."]

Ketsu wa ai ja nai~~... (*cough* *cough*) ["Derriere isn't love..."]

[The girls are singing within the locker room of a men's public bath.]

Aisaretai kedo motometari wa shinai. ["I want to be loved, but I never seek it out."]

[Several shots of Tama in different poses, then when Tama sees Kaolla wielding a fork and knife, she acts terrified and withdraws into her shell.]

Kono mi sasagete inochi nagedashi. ["I offer myself, and throw my life away."]

[Mutsumi floating in the water.]

Wakime mo furazu tada hitasura ni ["Looking neither left nor right, I will just earnestly"]

[Kaolla tries to run off, but two hands restrain her.]

Dameshite sukashite yokohairi ["Cheat, wheedle, interfere,"]

[Negi attempting to "initiate a perpetual contract" with Mutsumi, but a giant tentacle snatches him away. Then, three Mutsumi heads appear on the screen, each one a little closer than the last.]

Tanin wo fumitaoshi keri wo kamashite! ["And trample down and kick strangers!"]

[Kaolla kicking Negi, Iwatani, and Shiraiyoshi clean into next week!]

Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) ["And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"]

[Kaolla and Mutsumi running down a long road, with Tama flying along the path.]

Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) ["And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"]

[(Land)Lord Keitarazzo joins the three. He trips on his cape as he runs, and falls down.]

Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) ["And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"]

[Kitsune is running across a bridge with a bunch of Liddos.]

Tonzora koite~~~...! ["And we get the Hell out...!"]

[Yami Goku and Ken Akamatsu running from the Feds through a tunnel, then off into the sunset.]

Banana no kawa de korondemo ["Even if I slip on a banana peel,"]

[Kaolla hanging upside-down from a tree eating a banana, while Mutsumi has slipped on several of Kaolla's banana peels, and is now unconscious on the ground.]

Sore wa subete ano kata no tame. ["It's all for his sake, anyways."]

[A giant tiger-like monster that bears a resemblance to Byakko from "Yu Yu Hakusho" pops up in front of Kaolla and Mutsumi, and the two girls assume a fighting pose. Keitarazzo is watching from the background, cowering in fear.]

Shiite iu nara sore wa kitto ["If anything, that is probably"]

[Seta being dragged from his bed by The Great Naru of The Macrocosm.]

Ai to iu na no chuuseishin! ["A kind of loyalty called love!"]

[Kaolla and Mutsumi in (Land)Lord Keitarazzo's throne room, saluting him.]

-+*+-

[The screen is grainy, like an old filmstrip.]

PRODUCED BY STUDIO Y.G.

Yami Goku

JOINT

KAOLLA SAGA

Yami Goku's

NO ESCAPE!

[The filmstrip starts to flip.]

***NO!***

[The film cuts out, cutting to a military helicopter flying over the ocean towards a large city.]

SOLDIER (V.O.): General, what are our orders?

GENERAL (V.O.): We don't have any orders.

SOLDIER (V.O.): Then why are we flying around for?

GENERAL (V.O.): To provide cheesy B-movie-style material for this fic.

SOLDIER (V.O.): Oh.

-+*+-

"THIS WORLD IS CORRUPT!" exclaimed (Land)Lord Keitarazzo, ruler of HINATA, briefing his newest agent, Mutsumi. "This planet is swamped with wars, hatred, stupidity, and greed! And only an organization such as HINATA can bring order to it...!"

Mutsumi collapsed on the floor, being a girl not in the best of health.

"Are you listening, Agent Mutsumi?" asked Keitarazzo.

"Hai..." Mutsumi came around, and stood back up.

Keitarazzo continued ranting and whining about the world's problems for another minute, with Mutsumi struggling to stay conscious the entire time. When Keitarazzo finally changed the subject, Mutsumi looked barely alive.

Keitarazzo tossed a photograph of Kaolla at Mutsumi's feet. Mutsumi picked it up and looked at it.

"Ooh. Who's she?" asked Mutsumi.

"She's Agent Kaolla. I haven't seen her at all ever since our last mission! You mission to go out and find her! She might look a little different than that picture, since she was trying to hide her hunger with a funny face, something about a 'fasting ceremony' that her people must endure, or something. Now, can you do it?"

Mutsumi had collapsed again, but she started to crawl off, inchworm-style. "Hai...!"

-+*+-

Back in the mysterious place that Kaolla landed in our previous episode...

"Hi, everyone," greeted Kaolla, in a Voice-Over. "You've kinda caught me in a _very_ bad situation! You see, when the explosion of that strange spaceship caused me to be hurled back into my own home country, I was immediately captured and imprisoned! It seems that when I left my country, I was actually being kicked out of the country for reasons that my brain cannot fathom! Maybe it had something to do with that fact that there was a war going on. Anywho, I have been denied the right to remain silent, _and_ the right to an attorney! I have been tortured in many cruel and _very_ unusual ways! And I have been spending all the time that I'm _not_ tortured in a filthy cave with nothing to do but count the rocks! (2,481...2,482...2,483...) ...Okay, that's it! I'm getting out of here, _and_ getting something decent to eat!"

-+*+-

Back on the surface, Tama was being stared at by three Army Men.

"Hey, man! That's a pretty cute turtle!" said Army Man #1.

"I wonder what his name is?" wondered Army Man #2.

Army Man #3 picked Tama up. "I know! How's about we name him 'Timmy'?"

Army Man #1 grabbed Tama, and inspected her lower regions. "Uh...I think that this is a girl turtle! There's no dong!"

"But 'Timmy' can be a girl's name, can't it?" asked Army Man #3.

"And why do you want to name her 'Timmy'?" cried Army Man #2. "Don't you remember what happened to our dear friend Timmy?! *sob* LUCKY DUCK! YOU GOT DISCHARGED! AND NOW YOU GET TO SPEND ALL YOUR TIME AT HOME IN YOUR CONDOMINIUM WITH A PLASMA-SCREEN TV AND A MAIL-ORDER KOREAN BRIDE! *cry* I WANNA GET DISCHARGED, TOO!"

"YEAH, US TOO!" sobbed Army Men #1 and #3.

"WHUT ARE YOU MAGGOTS CRYING ABOUT NOW?!" roared the Sarge.

"Oh, nothing, sir!" said the Army Men, at attention.

"Oh, something's up! Could it have something to do with this cute little turtle?!" said the Sarge as he picked up Tama.

"Yes, sir. We wanted to name her 'Timmy', but..." began Army Man #1.

"WOULD YOU STOP BAWLING OVER YOUR DEAR FRIEND TIMMY?! HE'S IN A BETTER PLACE NOW! HE'S BACK HOME! Now, I want you three maggots to build this dear turtle an aquarium to swim in! With a nice rock to sun herself on! And I want to see it done by 0800! Am I making myself clear?!" requested the Sarge.

"SIR, YES, SIR!" shouted the three Army Men in unison.

"Good. GET TO WORK, MAGGOTS!" ordered the Sarge as he walked away.

"Myuuuuhh!" cheered Tama.

"We'll build you a nice aquarium, Timmy!" said Army Man #2 as Army Man #1 put Tama back down on the ground.

As soon as Tama was back on the ground, she felt something strange shaking the Earth.

"Myuh?" asked Tama quizically.

A few moments later, the ground split before Tama, and out emerged a terrifying face. Terrifying to Tama, that is.

"FREEDOM! (^_^)" exclaimed Kaolla as she broke free from her underground cell.

"HEY! JAILBREAK!" yelled Army Man #1 as they saw Kaolla, all three Army Men focusing their rifles on her.

"Oh, poop!" cursed Kaolla as she was tied up, and dragged off. But Kaolla noticed that she was being taken in a different direction than her cell.

"Hey, where are we going now?" asked Kaolla. The Army Men didn't answer her.

As she was being dragged off, Kaolla noticed a familiar turtle. "Hey! You look like a familiar reptile! Have we met?"

"Myuh...!" sighed Tama, relieved.

-+*+-

As Kaolla was dragged away, Army Man #2 read her her rights.

"You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to remain loud. You have the right to scratch yourself. You have the right to pick your nose."

Army Man #2 continued on and on until they made it to what seemed to be a deep pit. The Army Men tossed Kaolla in.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHH...!" screamed Kaolla as she fell all the way to the bottom of the pit.

"Tomorrow's forecast calls for rain!" said Army Man #3.

"And even if it _does_ rain, we're _still_ gonna execute you! HA HA HA HA HA!" laughed Army Man #2 as he and Army Man #1 and Army Man #3 walked off.

As Kaolla assessed the situation, she quickly came to a conclusion. "This sucks! This is no place for a beautiful heroine like me! And I'm hungry!"

Looking around, Kaolla saw a scrumptious-looking mouse wander by. "ALL RIGHT! I EAT! (^_^)"

But the mouse ran off before Kaolla could grab it.

"Aw, nuts!" groaned Kaolla.

"Well, well! A visitor! You don't get that many visitors down here!" came a voice from the other side of the pit.

"Huh? Who's there?" asked Kaolla, calling into the darkness. She crawled over to the source, finding a person sitting against the wall, clad in a dark cloak and an iron mask.

"Who are you?" asked Kaolla.

"You may call me Iron Mask. I have been trapped down here for many years after trespassing on these grounds. I tried to escape from this pit, but the walls are too slimy and icky to scale!" explained Iron Mask.

"Too slimy and icky to scale?! *groan* But I have to get home to (Land)Lord Keitarazzo!" whined Kaolla.

"Daijoubu! I managed to entertain myself all these years!" said Iron Mask as s/he pointed at the walls, which were covered in various chalk doodles.

"*groan* I DON'T DESERVE THIS! SOMEBODY HELP MEEEEEEEE!" cried Kaolla.

-+*+-

Back in the city of H, Mutsumi was still crawling along the ground, desperate to get to the Hinata Apartments, thinking that Kaolla might be there.

-+*+-

At the Hinata-sou, Negi Watanabe was storming out of his room.

"THAT DOES IT! I AM OUT OF HERE! I CANNOT PUT UP WITH YOU BLOODY CLODS ANY MORE! I AM LEAVING THIS PISSANT LITTLE APARTMENT AND LIVING SOMEPLACE ELSE!" shouted Negi.

"Aww, come on! All we did was use your favorite issue of 'Magister Monthly' as a pot holder!" said Iwatani as he held up one of Negi's magazines. "Besides, you've _already_ used this mag as a coaster several times, so what's the diff?"

Negi ignored him, and exited the apartment.

As soon as the boy was at the bottom of the stairs, his attention was caught by a young, pretty woman crawiling along the ground. She ran into the waste receptacle at the curb, yet she still tried to keep going.

"... ..." said Negi. He moved the receptacle out of the way, and let the brown-haired girl keep crawling along. As soon as the babe slowed down and stopped, Negi ran over to her, and helped her stand up.

"Who are you?" asked Mutsumi, weakly.

"I am nobody! Just your average, everyday Watanabe!" said Negi, trying not to stare at Mutsumi's assets.

"Could you help me get to Room 333 in the Hinata Apartments?" asked Mutsumi.

Negi's heart skipped a beat. "<Room 333?! Oh, my God! That is right next door!> Why, sure! Follow me! (^_^)"

As Negi lead Mutsumi back into Hinata-sou, he realized that he had yet to get this girl's name. "So, what is your name?" he asked.

"It's Yami Goku!" said Yami Goku, springing up out of nowhere.

-+*+-

HEPPOKO

JIKKEN

FYUUJON

K A O R A

S A A G A

(NEGI: NOT _YOU!_)

-+*+-

Back in the homeland of Kaolla, the three Army Men had just finished working on a giant aquarium for Tama to swim in.

"All done!" exclaimed Army Man #2.

"Yeah, and I'm all done painting it!" said Army Man #3.

Army Man #1 looked at Army Man #3's artwork on the side of the aquarium, which depicted a nearly-naked young woman with green skin and a turtle shell.

"Uh...Timmy's a _girl_ turtle, remember?!" reminded Army Man #1.

"So? I've got a thing for turtles! (^_^)" said Army Man #3.

Army Men #1 and #2 sweatdropped.

-+*+-

Somewhere deep within the jungle outside the Military Base, a lone figure with starfish-shaped hair dove stealthily through the trees like a monkey, reflecting on his important mission as he bounded from tree to tree...

-+*+-

Down in the pit, Kaolla and Iron Mask were playing a little game to keep themselves entertained...

"...K! Okay, that spells 'steak', so I get a G! My turn! T!" said Iron Mask.

"U," said Kaolla.

"R," said Iron Mask.

"K," said Kaolla.

"E," said Iron Mask.

"Gah! Y! 'Turkey'! I got an O!" groaned Kaolla. "All right, then...P!"

"I," said Iron Mask.

"Uh-oh...Oh, wait! I got it! Z!"

"Z," said Iron Mask.

"D'OH! A! That's 'pizza'! That's an S for me!" sighed Kaolla. "Time to get serious! C!"

"H," said Iron Mask.

"I," said Kaolla.

"M," said Iron Mask.

"I," said Kaolla.

"C," said Iron Mask.

"H," said Kaolla.

"A," said Iron Mask.

"N," said Kaolla.

"G," said Iron Mask, smiling.

"IYAAAA! A!" cried Kaolla.

Iron Mask giggled. "That's G-H-O-S-T. I win! (^_^)"

"WAAAAHHH! I'M SICK OF THIS GAME! I JUST WANNA GET OUT OF HERE, OR AT LEAST EEEEAAAT! *sob*" sobbed Kaolla.

"C'est la vie...! That's life...! Life is good...! Life is short...! Life's a sport. Drink it up...!" remarked Iron Mask.

"WAAAAHH! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UUUUUUUUP!" bawled Kaolla.

Suddenly, as if from out of nowhere, Kaolla felt the courage to carry on. "Oh, (Land)Lord Keitarazzo-sama! They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder! (*_*)"

An image of Keitarazzo appeared in Kaolla's mind.

"Wh-What do you want...?!" spoke a nervous Keitarazzo, being voiced by Kaolla. "YAAAAAGGGHHH...!" screamed Keitarazzo as Kaolla happily glomped him.

We cut back to the pit where Kaolla is hugging a picture of (Land)Lord Keitarazzo that she drew on the wall.

"Lord Keitarazzo-sama...I love you _soooooo much_...! (^_^)" cooed Kaolla.

Suddenly, the barred entrance to the pit is opened, and a familiar man appears!

"Huh?" said Kaolla.

"Could it be...?!" spoke Iron Mask.

"Hai, it is!" proclaimed Yami Goku as he dove down into the pit.

Iron Mask ran over and hugged Yami Goku. "OH, YAMI GOKU-CHAN! IT _IS_ YOU!"

"I've missed you _so_ much, Botan-chan...!" spoke Yami Goku softly.

Kaolla looked at the couple strangely. "Uh...hello? Beautiful heroine here...?"

Yami Goku looked at Kaolla, then went back to staring at Iron Mask. "Who's she?"

"Don't you remember?! She's Kaolla!" said Iron Mask.

"Oh, right! Her! Eh, she's not really important! It's _you_ that I came here to rescue, Darlin'!" said Yami Goku, looking deep into Iron Mask's beautiful eyes. "Now, let's amscray!"

Yami Goku escaped the hole safely with Iron Mask, leaving an upset Kaolla behind.

"HEY! WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU GOING?! YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME HERE BEHIND TO ROT! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! IF YOU LEAVE ME HERE, AND I DIE, I'M GOING TO COME BACK AS A GHOST, AND HAUNT FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE _THAT_, HUH...?!" screamed Kaolla.

Yami Goku got tired of Kaolla's screaming very quickly, and opened up the pit's Fire Exit. "All right, all right! You can come along with us! Jesus Christ!"

"Doumo arigatou! (^_^)" said Kaolla as she escaped the pit, along with Yami Goku and Iron Mask. But as soon as they were all out of the hole, someone must've seen them, for the security alarm went off!

"Oh, shit!" whispered Yami Goku. "They've spotted us! Run!"

Kaolla ran off on her own. Yami Goku and Iron Mask ran off in the opposite direction, into the dense jungle.

"So, how's Space Cowboy doing these days?" asked Iron Mask as she continued running.

"Oh, still the same jackass he's always been. He's still pretty cool, though," answered Yami Goku as he also continued running through the jungle.

As they kept running, all of a sudden, Iron Mask was partially engulfed by a giant anaconda!

"OH-NOOOOO! YAMI GOKU-CHAAANN! HELP MEEEEEE!" cried Iron Mask.

"BOTAN-CHAAAAN!" screamed Yami Goku as he noticed that his beloved was about to be eaten alive by a gigantic mutant anaconda! He grabbed a hold of Iron Mask's hand, and tried to pull her free of the anaconda's big mouth, but the huge snake had one Hell of an appetite!

"YAMI GOKU-CHAAAANN! HURRY! GET ME OUT OF HEEERRE! OWWWW! OH, MY GOD! IT'S BITING INTO ME WITH ITS TERRIBLE POISONOUS FANGS! OWWWWWWW!" screamed Iron Mask as Yami Goku pulled harder.

"I'M PULLING AS HARD AS I CAN, BOTAN-CHAN! GEEZ, THIS VILE SERPENT SURE HAS GOT A STRONG JAW!" grunted Yami Goku as he gave it his all, putting all of his great strength into freeing his sweet Iron Mask from the loathsome giant anaconda.

After about a minute of strenuous pulling, Iron Mask was finally freed from the anaconda's mouth of death!

"BOTAN-CHAN! Are you all right?!" shouted Yami Goku as he held the injured Iron Mask in his arms.

"*cough* Iie...I'm _not_ all right, Yami Goku-chan...*gasp*...The poison's getting to me...*wheeze*...I'm dying...! *cough* *cough*" spoke Iron Mask, barely clinging to life.

"NO! YOU'RE NOT DYING! *sob* YOU'RE GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT, BOTAN-CHAN!" cried Yami Goku. "I-I'll suck the poison out, if I have to! *sniff*"

"Onegai...remove my mask, so you can see my beautiful face one last time...!" whispered Iron Mask, running short on life.

"Okay...!" said Yami Goku as a mysterious red button appeared on Iron Mask's forehead. After pushing it, the mask fell to pieces, revealing Iron Mask's true face and identity. Yami Goku was treated to the sight of Botan's azure hair and pretty pink eyes.

"*sob* Botan-chan...! Don't die...! Onegai...!" sobbed Yami Goku as he cradled Botan's head in his arms.

"Gomen nasai, Yami Goku-chan...*gasp*...but I have to. Sayounara...! *croak*" were Botan final words before she departed in Yami Goku's arms.

Yami Goku held Botan in his arms for several moments, softly weeping. Then he came to a sudden realization. "HEY, WAIT A MINUTE! ANACONDAS AREN'T POISONOUS!"

Botan's eyes snapped open. "Gotcha! *tee-hee!* (^_^) I can't die! I _am_ death! Anyway, I have to be leaving now! Koenma's probably getting impatient! See ya!"

Giving Yami Goku one last sweet kiss, Botan summoned her oar, and flew off.

"Sayounara, Botan-chan...!" whispered Yami Goku, wiping away another tear.

"ALL RIGHT, SCUMBAG! WE'VE GOT YOU!" shouted Army Man #4 as he and several other Army Men surrounded Yami Goku, implements of death pointing straight at him.

"Oh...heh heh...I suppose you want to kill me for Self-Inserting myself into my own fanfic, huh?" chuckled Yami Goku, standing up to his full height. "Well, in that case...!"

All of the Army Men were silent as Yami Goku began to tap into his powers, reciting a strange incantation...

"From the land known as Heaven, gold sunshine does glow,

unobstructed, through the clouds white as new snow...

From the land known as Hell, where the wicked do go,

a place where the blood of the wicked does flow..."

Yami Goku's forehead was glowing with the Eye of Horus, and his hair blew around wildly. Rainbow-colored cosmic energies rained down upon him, his body sparkling with a bright golden aura.

"Despair dark and gloomy, yet soul burning bright!

Grant me the power to set wrong things right!

Angels of serenity, give me your Light!

Combine with the Darkness, and unleash your full might!"

Yami Goku's body was now glowing with bright-gold power as he unleashed his awesome attack!

"...LIGHTENDARK!"

Releasing a powerful wave of Light and Darkness, Yami Goku's Lightendark decimated the entire army, and almost half of the Military base in a tremendous, blinding, deafening explosion!

-+*+-

Deep in the jungle, Kaolla was wandering aimlessly, totally starving.

"Iiiiii'mmmmm sooooo hhhuuuuuunnnggrrryyyyyyyyyy...!" sobbed Kaolla as she collapsed. "Could this be the end of Kaolla...?!"

-+*+-

Back at the battle sight, Yami Goku was drained after using up a great deal of his energy on the Lightendark, but was still standing. Panting, Yami Goku looked up in the air when he heard the sound of an approaching helicopter.

"YOUR ASS IS MINE, YAMI GOKU!" cackled the Helicopter Pilot as he aimed his machine gun at Yami Goku.

"Uh-oh!" said Yami Goku as he ran from the helicopter, several bullets grazing his hair. Finally, Yami Goku decided to attack the helicopter head-on!

"RAGE HELLFIRE FIST!" exclaimed Yami Goku as he struck down the helicopter with his gold glowing fist. The helicopter hit the ground, and since the Helicopter Pilot had just eaten at the local Taco Bell, an explosion with equal ferocity as Yami Goku's Lightendark resulted! Yami Goku managed to escape the blast just in time. The explosion's shock wave also blew Army Men #1, #2, #3, Tama and her aquarium all the way out to where Kaolla had collapsed.

"TAMAGO! You missed me, didn't ya'?! I missed you!" said Kaolla as she embraced Tama. The force of the explosion had also killed the three Army Men and destroyed the aquarium.

As Kaolla walked over to a cliff, the flames of destruction burned bright over where the helicopter had crashed. "War...uh...good God, y'all! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing! That's why this world needs a leader like (Land)Lord Keitarazzo!"

-+*+-

Back in the mountainous landscape, Pedroyasu Seta was returning home from his long stay in Japan. He was pleased to see his daughter Meidora running to greet him.

"PAPAAAAAA!" exclaimed Meidora as Seta opened his arms to greet her...

...But instead, Meidora kept on running, right into the arms of her sexy mother.

"Meidora! There you are!" said Seta's sexy wife as she picked up Meidora. "Now let's get home to your new papa!"

"Wha...?!" uttered Seta as his sexy wife and daughter literally walked right through him without even seeing him! "HEY! IT'S ME! PEDROYASU!" shouted Seta, but no one heard him.

As Seta watched, his sexy wife and daughter entered the house, only to be greeted by another man.

"Ah, welcome home, Honey!" said Kentarez.

"It's good to be back, Kentarez-sweetie!" smiled Seta's sexy _ex_-wife.

The door slammed shut.

"B-B-But what about Seta's sexy wife and daughter...?!" cried Seta, tears flowing from his eyes like waterfalls again.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

-+*+-

Back in the city of H, Mutsumi was just exiting Kaolla's room at Hinata-sou.

"Hmmm...Now that I've spent all night passed out, maybe now I can start searching!" said Mutsumi as she exited the apartment building, while being leered at by Iwatani and Shiraiyoshi along the way.

Fast approaching Hinata-sou was Kaolla, with Tama tied securely to her abdomen.

"Ah, it's good to be back in good ol' H! I'd better get back to HINATA and apologized to (Land)Lord Keitarazzo for my absence!" said Kaolla as she started to walk up the stairs.

"I'm supposed to find Kaolla, but all I've got to go on is this picture..." said Mutsumi as she looked at the weird photo of Kaolla again.

Kaolla was going so fast up the stairs, she did not see Mutsumi walking down them. She zoomed underneath Mutsumi's long legs, causing her to become startled and spin around.

"Yaahhh! Ohhhhh...!" sighed Mutsumi as she fainted again, rolling down the staircase.

"OH, GREAT! WE'VE JUST MET, AND SHE'S ALREADY FAINTED!"

-+*+-

~Episode Three: The Sacrificial Lamb of the Venomous Great Escape of Hell~

TODAY'S EXPERIMENT... ... ...FAILED

-+*+-

[Back in Ken Akamatsu's apartment, we see that Ken has fallen asleep on the floor after watching the so-called B-Movie "Kaolla Saga."]

-+*+-

[Cue Ending Theme, "Menchi's Bolero of Sorrow~ So You're Going to Eat Me"]

[Tama walks up to a microphone in the middle of a spotlight. She adjusts the mike, and starts to sing. As she sings, a woman (let's just say it's Nyamo from the Summer Special) appears in a bubble beside her, and translates Tama's singing. Occasionally during the song, a hand shakes salt down onto Tama.]

Starring...

Kaolla Suu as Kaolla Kaolla (Parody of Excel Excel)

(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)

[NYAMO: "I knew, ever since that day..."]

Mutsumi Otohime as Mutsumi (Parody of Hyatt)

(TAMA: Myuuhh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuhhh...!)

[NYAMO: "...the reason that you had approached me."]

Keitaro Urashima as (Land)Lord Keitarazzo (Parody of Lord Ilpalazzo)

(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)

[NYAMO: "Tender and soft..."]

Noriyasu Seta as Pedroyasu Seta (Parody of Pedro)

(TAMA: Myuuhh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuhhh...!)

[NYAMO: "...that my body is to your tastes."]

Tama-chan as Tama (Parody of Menchi)

(TAMA: Myuuuuhh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuhh...myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuhh...?)

[NYAMO: "To your hunger-stricken eyes, how does my body seem?"]

Negi Springfield as Negi Watanabe (Parody of Touru Watanabe)

Masayuki Haitani as Iwatani (Parody of Norikuni Iwata)

Kimiaki Shirai as Shiraiyoshi (Parody of Daimaru Sumiyoshi)

(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)

[NYAMO: "If you are to eat me, do it in one blow..."]

Yami Goku as himself (Parody of Nabeshin)

Botan as Iron Mask/herself (Parody of Tetsuko)

(TAMA: Myuh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuuhhh...)

[NYAMO: "...so that the meat does not get hard."]

[As the song ends and the curtain closes, a hand grabs Tama off the stage.]

-+*+-

A YAMI GOKU FQX PRODUCTION

KAOLLA: Ahhh, spring! The one time of year when a man's fancy turns to love! So watch out, 'cause love is gonna getcha in our next episode, called "Love Hena!" Cya! (^_^)

-+*+-

Yami Goku: dark_magician720@att.net

KAOLLA: ...And get your minds out of the gutter!