Love Hina Fan Fiction / Excel Saga Fan Fiction ❯ Quack Experimental Fusion Kaolla Saga ❯ Love Hena ( Chapter 4 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Welcome to the fourth pointless installment of Kaolla Saga!

Enjoy!

-+*+-

I don't own anything that isn't mine.

-+*+-

[At a lone tree at the park, the adult Kaolla is standing underneath a tree. Sappy, romantic music fills the air.]

KAOLLA: <He's coming...I know he's going to come! I'll keep waiting here forever, if I have to! Then, I can tell him the secret I have kept from him for so long!>

[Kaolla sees someone running towards her. We can easily see that it's Ken Akamatsu.]

KAOLLA: <There he is! My sweet prince!>

[Ken sees Kaolla, and walks up to her. The couple stares into each other's eyes.]

KAOLLA: Onegai...tell me the words I have so longed to hear from you!

[Ken smiles, and hushes Kaolla with the tip of his finger.]

KEN: "I, Ken Akamatsu, do hereby give Yami Goku permission to change his fanfic 'Kaolla Saga' into a WAFFy Romance fic."

KAOLLA: That's exactly what I wanted to hear!

[Kaolla bites the end of Ken's finger. The romantic music crescendoes.]

KEN: Huh huh huh huh...I'm gonna score...!

-+*+-

[Cue Opening Theme, "Love (Loyalty)."]

[A shot of Kaolla does a 360, then Kaolla falls into Keitarazzo's trap hole. Shortly before the title screen, she emerges with a squid on her head.]

QUACK EXPERIMENTAL FUSION

K A O L L A * S A G A

A Love Hina/Excel Saga Fusion FanFic by Yami Goku

~Episode Four: Love Hena~

[Kaolla makes several funny faces at the screen.]

[Kaolla and Mutsumi are lip-syncing to the OT, which is actually being sung by the Excel * Girls.]

Sore wa ai ja nai~~... (*cough* *cough*) ["That isn't love..."]

Ai wa sore ja nai~~... (*cough* *cough*) ["Love isn't that..."]

[The girls are singing on a sidewalk.]

Aishite iru kedo ai sarete wa inai. ["I am in love, but I am not loved."]

[Several shots that include Mutsumi looking at you, looking the other way, collapsing, and laying on a couch soused to the gills.]

Kesshite ai ja nai~~... (*cough* *cough*) ["Definitely isn't love..."]

Ketsu wa ai ja nai~~... (*cough* *cough*) ["Derriere isn't love..."]

[The girls are singing within the locker room of a men's public bath.]

Aisaretai kedo motometari wa shinai. ["I want to be loved, but I never seek it out."]

[Several shots of Tama in different poses, then when Tama sees Kaolla wielding a fork and knife, she acts terrified and withdraws into her shell.]

Kono mi sasagete inochi nagedashi. ["I offer myself, and throw my life away."]

[Mutsumi floating in the water.]

Wakime mo furazu tada hitasura ni ["Looking neither left nor right, I will just earnestly"]

[Kaolla tries to run off, but two hands restrain her.]

Dameshite sukashite yokohairi ["Cheat, wheedle, interfere,"]

[Negi attempting to "initiate a perpetual contract" with Mutsumi, but a giant tentacle snatches him away. Then, three Mutsumi heads appear on the screen, each one a little closer than the last.]

Tanin wo fumitaoshi keri wo kamashite! ["And trample down and kick strangers!"]

[Kaolla kicking Negi, Iwatani, and Shiraiyoshi clean into next week!]

Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) ["And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"]

[Kaolla and Mutsumi running down a long road, with Tama flying along the path.]

Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) ["And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"]

[(Land)Lord Keitarazzo joins the three. He trips on his cape as he runs, and falls down.]

Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) ["And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"]

[Kitsune is running across a bridge with a bunch of Liddos.]

Tonzora koite~~~...! ["And we get the Hell out...!"]

[Yami Goku and Ken Akamatsu running from the Feds through a tunnel, then off into the sunset.]

Banana no kawa de korondemo ["Even if I slip on a banana peel,"]

[Kaolla hanging upside-down from a tree eating a banana, while Mutsumi has slipped on several of Kaolla's banana peels, and is now unconscious on the ground.]

Sore wa subete ano kata no tame. ["It's all for his sake, anyways."]

[A giant tiger-like monster that bears a resemblance to Byakko from "Yu Yu Hakusho" pops up in front of Kaolla and Mutsumi, and the two girls assume a fighting pose. Keitarazzo is watching from the background, cowering in fear.]

Shiite iu nara sore wa kitto ["If anything, that is probably"]

[Seta being dragged from his bed by The Great Naru of The Macrocosm.]

Ai to iu na no chuuseishin! ["A kind of loyalty called love!"]

[Kaolla and Mutsumi in (Land)Lord Keitarazzo's throne room, saluting him.]

-+*+-

[The "bling!" sound from a GameBoy is heard. Four cute little Yami Goku heads merge into one at the middle of the screen, along with the caption "Yami-Soft" and a cute musical melody.]

[On the GameBoy screen, a musical introduction plays, which begins with a shot of Kamenabe Middle School. This is followed by several shots of Kaolla, which includes her kissing a boy, and getting dumped by one. The music sounds vaguely like "Sakura Saku," the OT from Love Hina. Finally, the game menu appears.]

Lovey-Dovey Hena Love

LOVE HENA

Copy-write 2005 Yami-Soft Inc.

--> NEW GAME

CONTINUE

["NEW GAME" is selected, and the screen wipes away, changing to an image of Kaolla.]

Kaolla> Wake up, Keitarazzo-nii-chan! Wake up, or you're going to be late for school!

Keitarazzo> Uggh...Just ten more minutes...onegai...?

Kaolla> No, get out of bed _right now_! Sensei said I had to get you out of bed every morning, or you'd oversleep!

Keitarazzo> ...(*groan*)...Just ten more minutes...? Five...? Just _five_ more minutes...?

Kaolla> GET UP RIGHT NOW, NII-CHAN! If you're late, you're gonna have to take a million tests! And you want to get into Tokyo U, right?

Keitarazzo> AAAAAAAHH! A MILLION TESTS?! OH, MY GOD! THAT'S BAD! I'M UP, I'M UP, I'M UP, I'M UP, I'M UP...! WOOOOOAAAAAAHHHH...! (*CRASH!*)

[Screen wipes again, showing Kaolla standing in front of Keitarazzo, dressed in her schoolgirl uniform.]

Kaolla> You're finally awake! It's just like O-kaa-san said! You clumsily spring out of bed whenever I mention the word "test"! *tee-hee!* (^_^)

Keitarazzo> ... ...You mean...that was all a lie?!

Kaolla> Yep! *tee-hee!* (^_^)

Keitarazzo> Darn that little gaijin Kaolla! I'm getting tired of these stupid little jokes of hers! IT'S TIME FOR ME TO TAKE A STAND AND...

HIT HER

SCOLD HER

--> KILL HER

Keitarazzo> ..._KILL HER!_ BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Kaolla> NANI?! NII-CHAN, HOW COULD YOU?! *sob* THAT'S TERRIBLE! THAT'S SO OUT OF CHARACTER...!

(*BANG!*) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK...!

[The screen goes black as the opening notes to "The Funeral March" play.]

BAD END

Try Again, Baka

-+*+-

As (Land)Lord Keitarazzo sat at his throne playing his new GameBoy game, he stopped and looked up at Kaolla and Mutsumi standing before him.

"HAIL KEITARAZZO!" exclaimed the two girls as they saluted.

"Boy, am I glad to be back, serving (Land)Lord Keitarazzo and the top secret ideological organization of HINATA, which will one day rule the entire Earth!" said Kaolla. "I was held captive in a dungeon in my own home country, enduring many hardships! There was this lady in an Iron Mask, and a Self-Insertion with spikey, three-colored hair! There was a lot of cool death and explosions, too! And did I mention..."

Kaolla continued babbling on while Keitarazzo turned to Mutsumi. "I see that you've successfully accomplished your mission, Mutsumi! Doumo arigatou!"

"Why, dou itashimashite! (^_^)" replied Mutsumi, curtsying cutely.

"Well, aren't we the modest one!" smiled Keitarazzo.

"Oh, uh, who's she, again?" asked Mutsumi, looking at Kaolla, who had quieted down, and was making a weird face while sitting on the floor.

"She's the agent that was missing. She's Agent Kaolla," answered Keitarazzo.

Mutsumi offered to help Kaolla up. "What a surprise! I had no idea that you were my senior, Kaolla-sempai! My name's Mutsumi! (^_^)"

But as soon as Kaolla took her hand, Mutsumi fainted yet again, falling right on top of Kaolla.

"HEY! WHAT THE...?! ALL YOU DID WAS TELL ME THAT YOUR NAME WAS MUTSUMI, AND YOU FAINTED AGAIN! WHY THE FUDGE DO YOU KEEP DOING THAT?!" screamed Kaolla as she was smothered by Mutsumi's huge tits.

Keitarazzo sighed, and went back to his game...

-+*+-

At the shack in the middle of nowhere, The Great Naru of the Macrocosm was crying her eyes out after finding a note from Seta saying, "Farewell."

"*sob* *cry* OH, SETA-SAN!" blubbered Great Naru.

-+*+-

"YAAAGGH!" screamed Yami Goku as he woke up in bed. Upon discovering that he had awoken in a quaint little cabin in the mountains, he just as quickly discovered the secret treasure that the mountains contained...

"Konnichi wa! My name's Téa Gardner! (^_^)" introduced the hot teenage girl with short brunette hair and sapphire-blue eyes. "I've made you some breakfast!"

Yami Goku was silent as he remembered the short-lived romance he had with Botan. "NOOO! THIS IS TAKING MY PRIVILEGES AS A SELF-INSERTION CHARACTER TOO FAR!" he screamed.

"Uh, your breakfast is getting cold!" said Téa.

"I'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE!" Yami Goku screamed, leaping out the window, narrowly missing Liddo #120 beating a futon out.

As Yami Goku ran from his troubles, Téa gave chase. Being a ballet dancer, she could run really fast due to her long, well-developed legs...

-+*+-

Back at a convenience store in H, Negi Watanabe was just finishing his grocery shopping.

"Geez, I could hardly afford a bloody thing in there! Blast this recession! If only I could find a job that paid decently, I could--Huh?" Negi noticed his two roommates, Iwatani and Shiraiyoshi approaching him, with fiendish, zombie-like expressions.

"Raaahhh!" growled Iwatani.

"Hee hee hee...!" "laughed" Shiraiyoshi.

"Wh-Wh-What is wrong with you?! Wh-Why are you staring at me with those creepy, glazed expressions...?!" shivered a frightened Negi.

Iwatani and Shiraiyoshi grabbed Negi, and dragged him off. Negi screamed and kicked as his two friends dragged him down the sidewalk...

-+*+-

[Back in the game, Keitarazzo is now standing outside the school. Mutsumi has her back turned towards Keitarazzo as she chats with a couple other girls.]

Keitarazzo> Hey! There's my classmate, Mutsumi! Hey, Mutsumi! You want to go on a walk together, or something...?

[Mutsumi is now standing facing Keitarazzo, wearing a cute sailor fuku.]

Mutsumi> Gomen nasai, Keitaro! If I walked with you, people might start spreading (more) bad rumors, about me!

Keitarazzo> Oh, okay then...

--> STALK HER

SEE HER OFF

PUT IT IN

Keitarazzo> Hmmmm...

-+*+-

After managed to escape their clutches, Negi was hiding out in an alley.

"*pant* *pant* *pant* What the heck is wrong with those two?! Why are they acting like that at a time like this?!" panted Negi as he walked deeper into the alley.

As soon as he was good and deep in the alley, something caught his eye...

"*gasp* It is that girl from yesterday!" exclaimed Negi as he saw Mutsumi laying unconscious on the ground.

TOUCH HER

--> KISS HER

DO HER

Negi leaned in to kiss Mutsumi, but stopped himself. "IIE! NAUGHTY BOY! NAUGHTY NEGI! IF YOU SEE SOMEONE LAYING ON THE GROUND, YOU SHOULD _HELP THEM_!"

Mutsumi regained consciousness, and looked at Negi. "What's going on...?"

Negi then noticed Liddo #145 sitting on Mutsumi's shoulder.

"HEY, GET OFF OF HER! SHE IS MINE!" yelled Negi as he whacked the Liddo away with his staff.

"GAAAAGGGHH!" groaned the Liddo as it made an ugly face and exploded in a flurry of stuffing.

"Ohhh...I think I'm feeling a little anemic today. Could you please take me someplace where I can lie down?" asked a weak Mutsumi.

"Why, sure I can! What kind of an English gentleman would I be if I did not help a pretty girl in need?! (^_^)" said Negi as he helped Mutsumi stand up. As he led her to a nice place to rest, he smiled lecherously, and began to drool.

-+*+-

A short distance away, Shiraiyoshi was visiting with his Mom and Pop. His Pop was having a heart attack on the floor, while Shiraiyoshi picked up what was happening with Negi with his perfect dog-like hearing.

"Dude...I can actually _hear_ Negi fighting arousal," "said" Shiraiyoshi.

"You're a strange little boy, Shiraiyoshi," said Shiraiyoshi's Mom as Shiraiyoshi's Pop died, and no one cared.

-+*+-

As Mutsumi rested against a tree in the park, the grass and all the nearby flowers died, since they could not compare with her beauty.

Negi walked up to her, after making a purchase at the soda machine.

"Here, I got you a can of juice!" said Negi as he gave the can to Mutsumi, who gladly accepted it. She put it up to her cheek, and felt how relaxingly cool it was.

"Oooh...It feels so good...!" sighed Mutsumi.

Mutsumi's statement ran through Negi's filthy mind, coming back out as "OOOH! OHHH, GOD, _YES!_ YEEESSS! *moan* OH, IT FEELS _SO GOOD!_"

"NO NO NO NO NO! BAD NEGI! DIRTY MIND!" yelled Negi, shaking his head.

"Is there anyway I can repay your kindness?" wondered Mutsumi.

"Wellllll...IYA! There is no way...Th-That I can think of right now! *whew*" blurted Negi. "Yeah...it is only natural to help someone in trouble!"

"OHHHH! MY BACK!" groaned an Old Man.

"AAAAH! MY CONTACT LENS!" screamed a Male Passerby.

"WAAAH! MY BABY'S GONE!" cried an Over-Protective Mother.

"WOULD YOU ALL BE QUIET?!" shouted Negi.

Mutsumi looked at Negi and giggled and smiled cutely, making Negi blush and fight a woody.

"I guess miracle encounters like these really _do_ happen!" said Negi, feeling lighter than air.

-+*+-

Back at the Hinata Apartments, Tama was remembering all the good times that she had with those kind Army Men that built her that aquarium, only to be callously killed off.

Close by, Kaolla was feasting on a bag of bread crusts, because that all she could afford at the time.

"*munch* *munch* Man, I'm _sick_ of eating nothing but bread crusts all the time!" grumbled Kaolla. "*munch* *munch* The _nerve_ of (Land)Lord Keitarazzo kicking me out like that!"

Kaolla's imagination then started to wander...

-+*+-

"KAOLLA'S WILD IMAGINATION"

"HAIL KEITARAZZO!" saluted Mutsumi.

"MYUUHH MYUUUUUHH!" saluted Tama.

"Today, I am proud to introduce the new senior staff of HINATA!" declared Keitarazzo. "First Senior Officer Mutsumi...Senior Officer Bulk Rate Tama...and Lieutenant Plunger and Bucket, filling in for Kaolla!"

"Doumo arigatou, sir! (^_^)" beamed Mutsumi.

Keitarazzo smiled at Mutsumi. "Say, Mutsumi...Do you wanna retreat to my boudoir afterwards? It must be awful hot in that skintight costume." Oddly enough, Keitarazzo's words came out sounding like a casanova's.

Mutsumi blushed bright red. "Why, sure I would! (^_^)"

Keitarazzo stood up. "Aw, the Hell with it! Let's go now!"

"Sure! (^_^)" agreed Mutsumi.

Keitarazzo was somehow able to scoop up Mutsumi in his arms, and they trotted off to his private bedroom to make some sweet whoopy.

END!

"KAOLLA'S WILD IMAGINATION"

-+*+-

"NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! That can't happen! That's ridiculous!" said Kaolla, still worrying about what was going on at HINATA at that moment...

-+*+-

[Back in the game, outside of the school building. Kaolla is standing in front of Keitarazzo.]

Kaolla> Nii-chan! It's time to go home, Nii-chan!

--> IGNORE

GO HOME

MAKE WHOOPY

Keitarazzo> Go home by yourself!

Kaolla> But we _always_ walk home together! Every day!

--> IGNORE

GO HOME

GET JIGGY WIT' IT

Keitarazzo> I _said_ "Go home by yourself"!

Kaolla> BUT, NII-CHAN...!

-+*+-

Back in his throne room, (Land)Lord Keitarazzo was starting to get a bit frustrated with his game.

-+*+-

Back at Hinata-sou, Kaolla was still recovering from her daydream.

"Why the heck did I have such a realistic daydream?! And why was it about Mutsumi?! She doesn't deserve more screen time than me!" Kaolla said as she picked up her wooden tiki doll again, which was now affixed with a replica of Keitarazzo's costume, along with his hair and glasses.

"OH, (LAND)LORD KEITARAZZO-SAMA! YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE FOR ME! ILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILO VEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEY OUILOVEYOU!" cried Kaolla as she rolled around on the floor, fully embracing the doll as if she were in coitus with it, with Tama watching the entire unsuitable-for-children-or-turtles act.

-+*+-

HEPPOKO

JIKKEN

FYUUJON

K A O R A

S A A G A

[musical eyecatch]

-+*+-

[Back in the game.]

--> CONTINUE

QUIT ALREADY

["CONTINUE" is selected, and the screen wipes to the middle of the town, with Mutsumi standing in front of Keitarazzo in a pink sundress.]

Mutsumi> Where should we go for our first date, Keitaro?

Keitarazzo> Hmmm...Someplace that a girl would like...!

AMUSEMENT PARK

--> DEPARTMENT STORE

GRAVEYARD

Keitarazzo> How about the department store?

Mutsumi> That's perfect! (^_^)

[The screen changes to the department store.]

-+*+-

"Yeah! Girls _love_ the department store!" said Keitarazzo as he continued playing.

-+*+-

Keitarazzo> And now, let's go to the coffee shop!

[The screen changes to a busy coffee shop within the department store. Keitarazzo is now sitting at a table, with Mutsumi across from him.]

-+*+-

At the real coffee shop at that time, Negi was having some coffee with the real Mutsumi.

"So, is this coffee shop cool enough?" asked Negi, wanting his girlfriend to be comfortable.

"Hai, it's pretty cool in here, arigatou!" answered Mutsumi.

Negi then decided to ask the question he had been wondering about since the last episode. "So, what is your name? My name is Negi Watanabe."

"Oh...um..." Mutsumi had to think up a name to give this stranger. "My name's...uh...iya...My name is Miss Otohime, right?"

"So, it's 'Miss Otohimeright'?" asked Negi, writing the girl's name down.

"Iie, 'Miss Otohimeright' is wrong!" said Mutsumi.

Negi wrote the name down. "'Miss Otohimerightiswrong'...is that Malaysian?"

"Just call me whatever you like," said Mutsumi.

Negi smiled. "So, I guess I'll just call you 'Otohime-san', okay?"

"That's good enough!" nodded Mutsumi.

After several moments of silence, Negi spoke up. "It's finally nice to meet a beautiful girl like you. I've been cooped with those _FREAKIN' CHEAP BASTARDS_ that are my _BLOODY ROOMMATES_!"

"Oh..." Mutsumi said.

Negi then struggled to think of a good question for which to use as small talk. "<Aquestionaquestionaquestion...I need a good question to ask her!>" Negi then thought of one. "So, are you a working girl, Otohime-san?"

"Hai, I am! I was hired yesterday! It's a very nice job, and I have very nice co-workers!" was Mutsumi's answer. "Where do _you_ work, Negi?"

Negi started to shake and perspire. He _had_ no job at all! What was he going to tell her?!

"...I-If...I...wh-when...!"

"'Iifu, Ai, and Wauen'? Is that a law firm?" asked Mutsumi.

Negi got even more nervous. "'Ell...you see...!"

"'L.U.C.'? Does that stand for 'Legal Underbinding Contracts'?" asked Mutsumi leaning over the table and forcing Negi onto the floor.

Negi started sputtering out various unstructured words, syllables, and conjunctions as he shook and perspired.

"I'm getting confused...!" said Mutsumi, getting a little too close to Negi for comfort.

Finally, Negi just _had_ to say _something_!

--> TELL A LIE

TELL THE TRUTH

GET IT ON

Negi stood up boldly, holding his sword out. "I AM...A CIVIL SERVICE MAGISTER!"

Everyone in the coffee shop stopped and looked at Negi with amazement.

"Wow! It's so nice that you're choosing to help people as a civil service Magister, whatever a 'Magister' is!" marveled Mutsumi.

"Yeah, well they just offered me the job, and I just couldn't say no! (^_^;)" chuckled Negi.

-+*+-

Back at HINATA, (Land)Lord Keitarazzo was still absorbed in his "Love Hena" video game. However, the game had suddenly frozen for no reason.

"Must be a glitch in the game..." said Keitarazzo as he waited patiently for the glitch to clear up.

His patience quickly ran out, as he used what little physical strength he could muster to toss the GameBoy to the floor, cracking the screen.

-+*+-

Back at the real coffee shop, a Waiter and a Waitress were staring at Negi and Mutsumi.

"Geez, have you ever _seen_ someone nurse a cup of coffee this long?" said the Waitress, looking at Mutsumi's coffee cup.

The Waiter looked over at another table. "And those two haven't ordered a single thing at all!"

At that table, right behind Negi, Iwatani and Shiraiyoshi were sitting, zoned out and babbling incoherently. "You go take there orders!" said the Waiter to the Waitress.

"Me?! No way!" refused the Waitress.

"Hyuck hyuck hyuck...!" guffawed Iwatani.

"Narf! Poit! Egad!" "exclaimed" Shiraiyoshi.

Negi heard two familiar voices behind his back, so he turned around. "NANI?! WHAT THE HELL ARE _YOU TWO_ DOING HERE?!"

"No reason...! Zort!" "answered" Shiraiyoshi.

-+*+-

Out on the street, Kaolla was walking around, trying to find where Mutsumi might've gone.

"MUTSUMI-CHAN! MUUUTSSUUUMMMIIIII-CHAAAAANN! WHERE ARE YOU?! HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY PRECIOUS MUTSUMI-CHAN?!" Kaolla called out, throwing around flyers reading "Join The Search To Help Find Mutsumi-chan, So That Kaolla Won't Get Yelled At By (Land)Lord Keitarazzo!"

"HEY! SOMEBODY! HAS ANYONE SEEN A GIRL NAMED MUTSUMI LATELY?! MOSHI-MOSHI?! AM I SPEAKING JAPANESE, HERE?! Uh...PHONE CALL FOR A MISS MUTSUMI! HELLO?! MUTSUMI-CHAAAAAN!" Kaolla continued her attempt to get someone's attention, until she was finally trampled by the crowd of low-budget stick-figures that are supposed to represent people.

"What a cold, heartless society...! (@_@)" stated an injured Kaolla.

Kaolla recovered, and continued searching. She eventually found something that she wanted, but wasn't Mutsumi: Food!

"Aha! Food!" exclaimed Kaolla. She ran towards the food stand, but stopped herself. "NO! As a senior officer of HINATA, Kaolla must find Mutsumi before refueling her bodily reserves! Besides, I don't have any money!"

"Free Samples!" shouted the Salesman.

That got Kaolla's attention. "FREE SAMPLES! WOO-HOO! (^_^)"

Kaolla pounced on the tray, and scarfed all that she could.

-+*+-

o/~ If you like to shop,

then go shopping some more,

we can go and shop

at the Department Store! o/~ o/~

Outside of the Department Store, in the back, a Shady Man went up to a back exit and knocked three times. A Man With a Bushy Red Beard answered and peeked out.

"Time flies like an arrow," whispered the Man With A Bushy Red Beard.

"Fruit flies like a banana," responded the Shady Man.

"Welcome in!" greeted the Man With A Bushy Red Beard as he opened the door all the way, letting the Shady Man in.

"So what do you want with me?" asked the Shady Man.

"We have a little assignment for you!" Red Beard pointed at a gift-wrapped package sitting in the corner of the darkened back room. "We need you to deliver that package to a certain little blonde-haired, tanned gaijin girl."

"Eh, sounds easy. I'll do it," said the Shady Man as he picked up the package. "What's the pay?"

"Any amount you desire," answered Red Beard.

"Well, in that case, I'd also like some information. Information on a...certain man...!" said Shady Man.

Red Beard knew what Shady Man wanted. "Hai...I know whom you're talking about. He's a man that has evaded capture many different times."

"And I want him dead or alive, but preferably alive," added Shady Man.

Red Beard nodded. "Hai...you shall receive information on the Legendary Humanoid Self-Insertion...Yami Goku."

-+*+-

"GET AWAY! I DON'T WANT TO BE IN THIS FIC ANYMORE!" cried Yami Goku as he ran through the entire city of H, still running from the sexy 17-year-old girl he met at the cabin out in the mountains.

"At least eat the nice breakfast that I made for you!" shouted Téa as she continued chasing Yami Goku all around the country.

-+*+-

[Back in the game, Keitarazzo is standing in front of Mutsumi. The big crack in the screen is still there.]

Mutsumi> Where do you want to go next, Keitaro?

Keitarazzo> Well...

[Suddenly, Iwatani and Shiraiyoshi appear on the screen.]

Iwatani> Hey, Keitarazzo! Flirtin' with the ladies, ne? Can we flirt, too?

Shiraiyoshi> "Me too!"

-+*+-

"NANI?!" shouted Keitarazzo. "What the Hell is going on?! Those're my old junior high school friends, Iwatani and Shiraiyoshi! They can't be part of the game!"

-+*+-

Iwatani> So, Mutsumi...What are you doing dating a clumsy dweeb like Keitarazzo? Why don't you date me?

Mutsumi> Erm...

Shiraiyoshi> "Or me!"

-+*+-

Keitarazzo was frantically pushing buttons. "They won't shut up! They won't go away! I can't make any decisions!"

-+*+-

o/~ On the top floor,

of the Department Store! o/~ o/~

Negi, Mutsumi, Iwatani, and Shiraiyoshi were on the top floor of the Department Store, which the singers already implied.

"Man, talk about Dullsville!" remarked Iwatani.

"If you do not like this place...THEN WHY DID YOU TAG ALONG?!" screamed Negi.

"I don't know! I don't know! Just...don't explode! (^_^)" apologized Iwatani.

"I'm afraid I have to agree with Iwatani. This place is totally boring!" "commented" Shiraiyoshi.

"Hey, look at that!" exclaimed Mutsumi as she pointed at a children's ride shaped like a giant bear. "What is that?"

"Hey, I remember these things!" beamed Negi. "You put money in these things, and they move! They are really fun!"

Negi looked at Mutsumi. "I will bet Otohime-san would like to go on one of these!"

"Sure! (^_^)" agreed Mutsumi.

Negi put a coin in the slot, and joined Mutsumi on the ride as it bobbed up and down, and up and down, and up and down...!

"Wheeee! Is this not _fun_, Otohime-san?! (^_^)" asked Negi.

"Hai, it sure is! (^_^)" giggled Mutsumi.

As Iwatani and Shiraiyoshi watched the ride bob up and down, Iwatani looked at Shiraiyoshi. "All this bobbing up and down...it sure brings back memories of my college fraternity parties!"

As Negi got off the ride, Shiraiyoshi pointed at Mutsumi. "Uh, Negi...look at what she's doing!"

"Huh...?" Negi looked at Mutsumi on the ride. She seemed to be _really_ enjoying it...

"*pant* *pant* *pant* *pant* Ohhh! OHHHHH! OHHH, YESSS! YEEEEESSS! *moan* *gasp* *pant* OH, YES YES YES YES YEEEESSS! *moan*" Mutsumi cried out in orgasmic glee as she rode the mechanical bear, her magnificent breasts bouncing up and down.

Negi and the others stared at her, speechless. After a short while, Mutsumi let off one last spectacular scream, then passed out again.

"OH, NO! SHE IS OUT LIKE A LIGHT!" cried Negi.

"*sniff* *sniff* Do any of you guys smell honey?" "asked" Shiraiyoshi.

"OTOHIME-SAN! WAKE UP!" shouted Negi, shaking Mutsumi.

-+*+-

After ingesting a massive amount of Free Samples, Kaolla was in desperate need of the facilities!

"o/~ Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now/ Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go...! o/~" sang Kaolla as she spotted a restroom.

"All right! The potty!" Kaolla exclaimed as she ran towards it.

Just before she was able to make it to the restroom, she was stopped by a Short Elderly Man bearing a gift-wrapped package.

"Uh...'For Kaolla Kaolla. From a secret admirer. Love, Secret Admirer'. Here you go!" said the Short Elderly Man as he gave the package to Kaolla, who gladly accepted it.

"Why, doumo arigatou! Gee, I wonder what it could beeeee...? (^_^)" said Kaolla as she took the package into the Women's Lavatory with her.

-+*+-

[Back in the game, in the middle of the sidewalk. Keitarazzo is facing Mutsumi, who doesn't look too hot (even though she always _is_)...]

Mutsumi> Keitaro, It hurts...I need...that...that...box...!

--> TAKE HER HOME

TAKE HER TO A HOSPITAL

TAKE HER

-+*+-

Keitarazzo had trouble making a decision, as he paced back and forth in front of his throne.

"This game is ridiculous! What am I supposed to do _now_?!" panicked Keitarazzo.

-+*+-

"WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO _NOW_?!" cried Negi as he carried Mutsumi's unconscious body down the stairs of the Department Store. "WHY DID MY HEALING SPELLS NOT WORK ON HER?! Someone up there is playing games with fate, I know it!"

"Chupi!" Liddo #201 appeared at the bottom of the stairs, holding a small sign with the kanji reading "unmei" (fate).

"NO TIME FOR THAT! OUT OF MY WAY!" shouted Negi as he attacked the Liddo with his staff, causing the Liddo to make an ugly face..

"OWWWWW! THAT HURT! WHY YOU WANNA HURT SOMETHING CUTE?!" grunted the Liddo before exploding in a flurry of stuffing.

Just then, Mutsumi awoke! "What's going on...?"

Negi was happy! "OTOHIME-SAN, YOU ARE ALL RIGHT! Now, let us get you out of here!"

"I...need to go to the bathroom...It's an emergency...!" said Mutsumi, weakly.

-+*+-

In the back room, the Man With A Bushy Red Beard was snickering at the pure genius of his plan, when the Shady Man appeared at the entrance.

"I...failed...!" were the Shady Man's last words before his neck was snapped!

Red Beard turned around. "Oh-ho! Yami Goku!"

"Red Beard, you're going to be joining Botan-chan very soon!" declared Yami Goku.

"You and what army?" laughed Red Beard.

"AN ARMY OF ONE! HYAAAAHHH!" shouted Yami Goku as he and Red Beard engaged in a mighty brawl.

-+*+-

In the bathroom, Kaolla was just finishing up her business, when suddenly, Mutsumi wandered in.

"Aaaahh! That was refreshing, and--Hey! Mutsumi-chan! There you are!"

"Kaolla-sempai...I...I...that..." was all Mutsumi could say before collapsing on the floor.

"Hey, before you zonk out, I got this present from a very obsessed fanboy out there! Boy, fanboys like him sure are the bomb!"

Kaolla opened the package, and her eyes went wide. "AAAAAAHHH! SPEAKING OF BOMBS, IT'S A BOMB!"

-+*+-

"AAAAHH! IT'S A BOMB! WHAT THE HECK IS A _BOMB_ DOING IN A _DATING GAME_?!" cried Keitarazzo, sweating bullets.

-+*+-

[In the game, Mutsumi is lying on the floor, looking at Keitarazzo.]

Mutsumi> Keitaro...If you truly love me...you'll disarm that bomb...!

-+*+-

Outside of the Ladies' Room, Negi, Iwatani, and Shiraiyoshi were waiting for Mutsumi to finish her business.

"What the Hell is taking her so long?" wondered Negi.

"Maybe she's constipated..." "suggested" Shiraiyoshi.

-+*+-

In the back room, Yami Goku had successfully defeated Red Beard with a Lightendark.

"There! Botan has now been avenged, even though she hasn't really died!"

-+*+-

Back in the lavatory, Kaolla was trying to figure out which wire to cut to disarm the bomb. Was it the red wire, the blue wire, or the green wire?

"Ohhh...Which one do I cut?! I don't know anything about disarming bombs! What do I doooo...?!"

A sillhouette of a short, wrinkled, pointy-eared green Muppet appeared behind Kaolla.

"Kaolla...Use the Force, Kaolla...Kaolla...disarm that bomb, you will! Yes! Mmmmmm!" spoke the Muppet.

Kaolla looked at the Muppet. "What are you doing here? Who said that you could do a cameo?!"

The Muppet slinked off. Kaolla went back to the bomb. "I can do this!"

Kaolla then remembered something she saw in a movie once. "I know! To disarm any bomb, all you have to do is cut..."

-+*+-

Keitarazzo had seen the same movie, too. "THE RED WIRE! IT'S JUST _GOT TO_ BE THE RED WIRE!"

-+*+-

--> RED

BLUE

GREEN

-+*+-

"...THE RED WIRE!"

(*snip!*)

Kaolla cut the red wire.

-+*+-

[In the game...]

Mutsumi> Keitaro...I thought that you loved me...

-+*+-

(*BOOOOOOOOOOMM!*)

The Department Store blew sky-high.

-+*+-

Back at the quaint little house in the mountainous landscape, Meidora was celebrating her birthday with her sexy mother and her new father Kentarez.

"Wow! Its what I've always wanted!" exclaimed Meidora as she unwrapped her present, a brand new Mommy-I-Wet-Myself doll.

"You're welcome, Meidora!" said Kentarez. "Now, let's have some cake! (^_^)"

Kentarez's sexy wife went to get the cake, but did not come back from the kitchen with it.

"Hey, Honey! Where's the cake?" asked Kentarez.

"Kentarez...I can't keep up the charade any longer...*sniff*...Meidora is not my daughter...!" sobbed Kentarez's sexy wife, collapsing on the floor.

"*gasp* You mean...?" gasped Kentarez.

"Hai...she's actually my younger sister," said Kentarez's sexy wife.

Kentarez was speechless!

-+*+-

Outside of the house, Seta had been listening in on everything.

"It doesn't make any sense! Meidora...is not my beautiful daughter...but actually my sexy wife's younger sister?! I MUST BE INFERTILE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Seta's cry could be heard from miles around.

-+*+-

Back at HINATA...

"A game...a simple, harmless little game for entertainment purposes..." muttered Keitarazzo. "...Who knew that it could've turned out to be something far more deadly...?!"

Keitarazzo sat back down, and looked at the "GAME OVER" screen. "Still...!"

-+*+-

--> CONTINUE

QUIT ALREADY

["CONTINUE" is selected.]

-+*+-

"Continue..." spoke the Great Naru of the Macrocosm. "I shall use my divine powers to restore everything to the way it was before...!"

(**boink!**)

Great Naru restored everything to the way it was before the explosion.

-+*+-

~Episode Four: Love Hena~

TODAY'S EXPERIMENT... ... ...FAILED

-+*+-

The next morning, at the Hinata Apartments...

"All right! Civil Service Exam, here I come!" exclaimed Negi as he left his apartment room.

Mutsumi walked out of Kaolla's room. "Watanabe Negi-san?"

Negi turned around. "Otohime-san...?"

Mutsumi was silent for a couple moments. "Go get 'em."

"I will!" said Negi as he walked off. At that moment, Kaolla walked out of the room, yawning and with Tama on her head.

-+*+-

... ...OKAY, A _LITTLE_ SUCCESS... ...

-+*+-

[Cue Ending Theme, "Menchi's Bolero of Sorrow~ So You're Going to Eat Me"]

[Tama walks up to a microphone in the middle of a spotlight. She adjusts the mike, and starts to sing. As she sings, a woman (let's just say it's Nyamo from the Summer Special) appears in a bubble beside her, and translates Tama's singing. Occasionally during the song, a hand shakes salt down onto Tama.]

Starring...

Kaolla Suu as Kaolla Kaolla (Parody of Excel Excel)

(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)

[NYAMO: "I knew, ever since that day..."]

Mutsumi Otohime as Mutsumi (Parody of Hyatt)

(TAMA: Myuuhh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuhhh...!)

[NYAMO: "...the reason that you had approached me."]

Keitaro Urashima as (Land)Lord Keitarazzo (Parody of Lord Ilpalazzo)

(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)

[NYAMO: "Tender and soft..."]

Naru Narusegawa as Great Naru of the Macrocosm (Parody of Great Will of the Macrocosm)

Noriyasu Seta as Pedroyasu Seta (Parody of Pedro)

Mei Narusegawa as Meidora (Parody of Sandora)

(TAMA: Myuuhh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuhhh...!)

[NYAMO: "...that my body is to your tastes."]

Tama-chan as Tama (Parody of Menchi)

(TAMA: Myuuuuhh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuhh...myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuhh...?)

[NYAMO: "To your hunger-stricken eyes, how does my body seem?"]

Negi Springfield as Negi Watanabe (Parody of Touru Watanabe)

Masayuki Haitani as Iwatani (Parody of Norikuni Iwata)

Kimiaki Shirai as Shiraiyoshi (Parody of Daimaru Sumiyoshi)

Kentaro Sakata as Kentarez (Parody of Gomez)

(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)

[NYAMO: "If you are to eat me, do it in one blow..."]

Yami Goku as himself (Parody of Nabeshin)

Téa Gardner as herself (Parody of Kumi-Kumi)

Man With A Bushy Red Beard as himself (Not really a parody of anyone)

The Liddo as themselves (Parody of the Puchuus)

(TAMA: Myuh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuuhhh...)

[NYAMO: "...so that the meat does not get hard."]

[As the song ends and the curtain closes, a hand grabs Tama off the stage.]

-+*+-

A YAMI GOKU FQX PRODUCTION

KAOLLA: Hey! Yami Goku!

YAMI GOKU: What is it, Kaolla?

KAOLLA: Is it going to be okay?

YAMI GOKU: Is _what_ going to be okay?

KAOLLA: Our next episode?

YAMI GOKU: Maybe! Our readers will have to read it and judge for themselves! So far, this fic has only gotten three reviews at FanFiction.Net and Mediaminer.org!

KAOLLA: Our next episode is called "The Interesting Giant Tower!" Really?! It's going to be interesting?! Is it?! Huh?! IS IT?!

YAMI GOKU: How should _I_ know?! I'm on vacation!

-+*+-

Yami Goku (who's not really going on vacation in RL): dark_magician720@att.net