Love Hina Fan Fiction / Excel Saga Fan Fiction ❯ Quack Experimental Fusion Kaolla Saga ❯ The Interesting Giant Tower ( Chapter 5 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Greetings and feliciations! Hip-hip-hoorah and Tally-ho! Welcome to Episode Five of Kaolla Saga!

Enjoy!

-+*+-

I don't own anything that isn't mine.

-+*+-

YAMI GOKU FQX

presents...

-+*+-

[A shot of newspapers moving on that printing press-thingie. Various newspapers spin towards you, each one showing a different headline.]

"POLICIES CHANGING REPEATEDLY! WHO IS RESPONSIBLE?!"

"EPISODE 5: FANFIC TAKEN DOWN?!"

"STUPID NON-REVIEWING FANS ARE TO BLAME?!"

"A SHOCK TO ALL?!"

[A newspaper appears with Ken Akamatsu's writing in it.]

KEN (V.O.): "I, the hard-hitting Ken Akamatsu, do hereby give Yami Goku permission to change his 'Kaolla Saga' fanfic into a gripping drama about everyday social problems!"

(*STAMP!*) [KEN AKAMATSU]

-+*+-

[Cue Opening Theme, "Love (Loyalty)."]

[A shot of Kaolla does a 360, then Kaolla falls into Keitarazzo's trap hole. Shortly before the title screen, she emerges with a squid on her head.]

QUACK EXPERIMENTAL FUSION

K A O L L A * S A G A

A Love Hina/Excel Saga Fusion FanFic by Yami Goku

~Episode Five: The Interesting Giant Tower~

[Kaolla makes several funny faces at the screen.]

[Kaolla and Mutsumi are lip-syncing to the OT, which is actually being sung by the Excel * Girls.]

Sore wa ai ja nai~~... (*cough* *cough*) ["That isn't love..."]

Ai wa sore ja nai~~... (*cough* *cough*) ["Love isn't that..."]

[The girls are singing on a sidewalk.]

Aishite iru kedo ai sarete wa inai. ["I am in love, but I am not loved."]

[Several shots that include Mutsumi looking at you, looking the other way, collapsing, and laying on a couch soused to the gills.]

Kesshite ai ja nai~~... (*cough* *cough*) ["Definitely isn't love..."]

Ketsu wa ai ja nai~~... (*cough* *cough*) ["Derriere isn't love..."]

[The girls are singing within the locker room of a men's public bath.]

Aisaretai kedo motometari wa shinai. ["I want to be loved, but I never seek it out."]

[Several shots of Tama in different poses, then when Tama sees Kaolla wielding a fork and knife, she acts terrified and withdraws into her shell.]

Kono mi sasagete inochi nagedashi. ["I offer myself, and throw my life away."]

[Mutsumi floating in the water.]

Wakime mo furazu tada hitasura ni ["Looking neither left nor right, I will just earnestly"]

[Kaolla tries to run off, but two hands restrain her.]

Dameshite sukashite yokohairi ["Cheat, wheedle, interfere,"]

[Negi attempting to "initiate a perpetual contract" with Mutsumi, but a giant tentacle snatches him away. Then, three Mutsumi heads appear on the screen, each one a little closer than the last.]

Tanin wo fumitaoshi keri wo kamashite! ["And trample down and kick strangers!"]

[Kaolla kicking Negi, Iwatani, and Shiraiyoshi clean into next week!]

Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) ["And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"]

[Kaolla and Mutsumi running down a long road, with Tama flying along the path.]

Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) ["And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"]

[(Land)Lord Keitarazzo joins the three. He trips on his cape as he runs, and falls down.]

Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) ["And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"]

[Kitsune is running across a bridge with a bunch of Liddos.]

Tonzora koite~~~...! ["And we get the Hell out...!"]

[Yami Goku and Ken Akamatsu running from the Feds through a tunnel, then off into the sunset.]

Banana no kawa de korondemo ["Even if I slip on a banana peel,"]

[Kaolla hanging upside-down from a tree eating a banana, while Mutsumi has slipped on several of Kaolla's banana peels, and is now unconscious on the ground.]

Sore wa subete ano kata no tame. ["It's all for his sake, anyways."]

[A giant tiger-like monster that bears a resemblance to Byakko from "Yu Yu Hakusho" pops up in front of Kaolla and Mutsumi, and the two girls assume a fighting pose. Keitarazzo is watching from the background, cowering in fear.]

Shiite iu nara sore wa kitto ["If anything, that is probably"]

[Seta being dragged from his bed by The Great Naru of The Macrocosm.]

Ai to iu na no chuuseishin! ["A kind of loyalty called love!"]

[Kaolla and Mutsumi in (Land)Lord Keitarazzo's throne room, saluting him.]

-+*+-

One morning, at the offices of the H Daily News, the Newspaper Editor was having a discussion with the Newspaper Chief.

"WHADDAYA _MEAN_ I CAN'T RUN THESE PHOTOGRAPHS?! THEY'RE PERFECT FOR THE STORY WE'RE WORKING ON!"

"Gomen, but unless you get me some evidence to back those up, I can't let you run them!" said the Newspaper Chief.

As the Newspaper Editor walked off grumbling, he listened to the Newspaper Chief give his lunch order to his Female Assistant. "I'll have Ham And Cheese on Whole Wheat, with Pickles, Potato Chips, and a Diet Coke!"

"Right away, sir!" said the Female Assistant.

"Ah, I don't know what we'd do without you here, Ms. Female Assistant! Now, chop-chop!" ordered the Newspaper Chief.

As the Newspaper Editor sat back in his cubicle, he grumbled to himself as he looked over the photographs, all pictures of the same man having lots of fun. He _would_ get the evidence required to back up his photographs...!

-+*+-

"HAAAIILL KEITARAZZOOOOOO!" shouted Kaolla. "How are you doing? I'm doing great! Everyday working for you usually means certain death! But that's just one of the things you've got to expect!"

(Land)Lord Keitarazzo sighed. "Kaolla, you may be hyperactive and dangerous, but at least you're sincere! Now then, our first item on the agenda today is a possible breach of security!"

"Breach of security? What do you mean?" asked Mutsumi.

"I mean _these_!" Keitarazzo held up a flier with Mutsumi's picture on it that read "Join The Search To Find Mutsumi-chan, So That Kaolla Won't Get Yelled At By (Land)Lord Keitarazzo!"

Kaolla's face melted away. "Oopsie...Those were mine...!"

Just then, there was a knock at the door. Kaolla walked over and answered it. In stepped two young women, one that looked like Kaolla, except taller and with silver hair, and the other was taller, with short red hair and blue eyes.

"Konnichi wa! We saw your flier!" said the one that looked like Kaolla.

"WHO ARE YOU?!" asked a surprised Kaolla.

"Me? I'm Kinko Mutsumi!" replied Kinko.

"And I'm Kaolla Amalla!" replied Amalla.

"And we're the--" Before both of them could say who they both were, Kaolla slammed the door shut, and locked it.

Keitarazzo continued. "Anyway, one of the Prime Directives of HINATA is total security! And you violated that Prime Directive, Kaolla!"

"WAAAAH! I'M SOOO SORRY, KEITARAZZO-SAMA! I'LL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES FOR YOU TO FORGIVE ME...!"

Keitarazzo pulled the purple velvet rope, letting Kaolla plummet into the hot spring below. Kaolla continued apologizing as she fell.

Keitarazzo looked at Mutsumi. "Now, then, today's mission is for you to infiltrate City Hall, and dig up some dirt on this city's top officials, and discover their strengths and weaknesses. Then, taking over the city shall be a snap!"

"HAIL KEITARAZZO!" saluted Mutsumi, along with Kaolla, who was still in the hot spring below.

-+*+-

Later that day at the City Hall, Kaolla was in the Ladies' Room, scrubbing the toilets.

"Ah, here I am, scrubbing the toilets in the Woman's Lavatory! Cleaning up a place that literally no man had gone before!" said Kaolla.

Just then, Kaolla heard voices on the other side of the door.

"Uh-oh! Gotta hide!" whispered Kaolla as she dove into one of the stalls.

Two women walked in. One of them was a elderly, short, wrinkled woman, the other one was the Fat Lady Mayor. The two women walked into the stalls, and began to do their business.

"So, is the plan going well, Fat Lady Mayor?" asked the old lady.

"Hai, it is, Kabapu Hina-san!" nodded Fat Lady Mayor.

"Good! I'm sure that an experienced woman like you is well suited to rig next month's elections, and become Mayor!" said Hina, finishing up her business.

"You got that right!" said the Fat Lady Mayor as she exited the stall.

"All right, there shall be further instructions later on!" said Hina, after washing her hands and offering a handshake.

"You got it, Granny...!" said Fat Lady Mayor as she shook Hina's hand.

"Eeeeeerrggh...!" growled a revolted Hina.

-+*+-

THOSE WEIRD OLD MEN THAT HANG AROUND OUTSIDE HINATA-SOU: She forgot to wash her hands!

-+*+-

AFTER GOING TO THE BATHROOM, ALWAYS WASH YOUR HANDS BEFORE SHAKING HANDS WITH SOMEONE! (.\_/.+)

-+*+-

After the two women had left, Kaolla felt a little silly. "I guess I really didn't _have_ to hide in here...My feet are all soaked!"

Kaolla then noticed something scrawled on the wall, admist all the doodles and cuss words...

"fumisorisupirepakanishiteraki"

"'fumisorisupirepakanishiteraki'...What's _that_ mean?" pondered Kaolla. "Can't people write _coherent_ messages on stall walls?"

-+*+-

Outside of City Hall, Negi Watanabe was standing in front of the entrance with a determined look on his face.

"This is it! I am going take, and _ace_ that test! It is time for me to become a true Civil Servant Magister!"

Negi marched in, registered with the Receptionist, and went to go wait in line. Negi didn't know it, but his sweetheart Mutsumi was in the building as well...

"Can I get anyone something to drink?" asked Mutsumi as she pushed a giant cart around.

"No thanks," came several voices.

"Did I mention that they're free...?" asked Mutsumi.

-+*+-

Elsewhere in the building, Kaolla was sneaking around, trying not to get caught.

"Man, digging up dirt on city officials is harder than I thought! Where do they even _keep_ dirt on city officials?!" said Kaolla.

Kaolla saw the shadow of an approaching woman. "Uh-oh!" she said as she dove into a locker.

After the woman, which was Hina, passed by, Kaolla took a look around at her surroundings. "It sure is hot in here...Hey, what's that?"

Kaolla crawled down a small duct, and found a computer with a Liddo screensaver. "This sure is a weird place for a PC! I wonder what it's for...?"

Kaolla nudged the mouse, revealing the familiar Windows Desktop, decorated with Tama wallpaper.

"Ooh...What's _this_...?" said Kaolla as she double-clicked on a folder that read "Top Secret!"

A message box came up, which read "ENTER NETWORK PASSWORD. If you enter the incorrect password, you will be blown to little itty-bitty pieces by a big scary laser."

"I gotta think up a password! Think, Kaolla, think...!"

Kaolla then ransacked her brain for a possible password. She then recalled some of the scribbles on the Ladies' Room wall...

"For a good time, call Kenji at..."

Kaolla shook her head. "Iya, not _that_ one..."

"fumisorisupirepakanishiteraki"

Kaolla smiled. "Yeah! That's the one!" Kaolla typed in the password with her toes, then hit Enter. Another message box came up, which read "Password Accepted!"

"YES!" cheered Kaolla.

-+*+-

In the Employee Lounge, Fat Lady Mayor was busy attempting to making out with a handsome, unwilling Male City Official. She noticed Hina approaching, so she threw the Male City Official in the refrigerator to hide him (Kids, don't try that at home!).

"Konban wa, Granny!" greeted the Fat Lady Mayor.

"A good evening to you too, Ms. Fat Lady Mayor," nodded Hina. "Now, for your further instructions. I trust you can use the instructions wisely, and become Mayor? You're really well-suited for the job, Fat Lady Mayor, despite your weakness for young men."

"Hai, I can," said the Fat Lady Mayor.

"Okay, then..." began Hina.

-+*+-

In the Security Office of City Hall, a Security Guard was pounding his pud to a porno film, when the alarm on his computer went off. He zipped himself up, and ran over to check what was going on...

"!!!WARNING!!!

The computer's network has become corrupted, either due to a hacker, or a lethal virus. Do you wish to reset? (Y/N)"

"Oh-no! Someone's broken in!" exclaimed the Security Guard as he stared at the Blue Screen of Death. He ran off to go report the problem.

-+*+-

Kaolla was being treated to a list of numbers on the screen. "Ooh, what is this?"

The window's header read "List of Illegal Routing from Budget for Redevelopment of the West Gate."

-+*+-

The Security Guard was running down the hall with the Computer Technician.

"I don't get it! How could the 'fumisorisupirepakanishiteraki' password be bypassed?!" said the Computer Technician.

"I _told you_ that 'fumisorisupirepakanishiteraki' wouldn't keep intruders out! You should've listened to me, and protected everything with 'gakusarajennakoniriamumarunakusu'!" said the Security Guard.

The two stopped in front of a locker. "Here, this is the only place we haven't checked yet!" said the Security Guard as he busted down the door, while the Computer Tech busted open the entrance from the other side.

-+*+-

Kaolla continued staring at the list of numerical amounts. "Why, could this be something that a kid my age shouldn't be looking at?! It must be dirt on City Officials! Oh, Keitarazzo-sama, I've done it!"

Suddenly, the two ends of the shaft opened up, and two men peered in.

"GOTCHA!" they both shouted.

"Eep!" squeaked Kaolla.

"We've got you now, you hacker!" said the Security Guard as he and the Computer Tech moved in on Kaolla.

Kaolla pulled out a plunger, and prepared to fight her way out of this situation! "I DIDN'T WANT TO DO THIS TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING, BUT I'M AFRAID THAT THE TIME HAS COME FOR ME TO DO SO!"

(*PLUNGE!*)

As the Security Guard lay incapacitated on the floor, Kaolla made a break for it.

-+*+-

In the classroom for Civil Servant training, Negi was sitting and waiting patiently for class to begin. When he sensed someone near him, his eyes wandered over to his left.

"GYAAAAAHHH! WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE _YOU TWO_ DOING HERE?!" shouted Negi as he saw Iwatani and Shiraiyoshi sitting in the same room as him.

"Training to become a Civil Servant," answered Iwatani.

"Yeah, we're gonna kick ass as Civil Servants!" Shiraiyoshi "said."

"*sigh* Must you follow me everywhere I go? (-_-)" groaned Negi.

Just then, the door opened, and in walked Hina Kabapu, the teacher for this special course.

"HOYAAAAAAHHHH YAAAHHH HUYAAAAAHHH...!" kiaied Hina as she did a flashy entrance, spinning Xena-style through the air, landing on the desk at the head of the room. Unfortunately, she did not take into account that her bones were old and brittle...

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH...!" cried Hina as every bone in her body shattered at once, instantly killing her!

-+*+-

"*sigh* What a clumsy little...!" growled The Great Naru of the Macrocosm as she revived Hina.

-+*+-

Hina stood on the floor in the front of the class. "Greetings. I am your new teacher, Mrs. Hina Kabapu. Now, you are all trainees to become Civil Servants..."

As Hina blah-blah-blahed about the requirements and duties of being a Civil Servant, Iwatani felt somewhat creeped out by this old lady. "What's _with_ this wrinkled old hag?"

"Eerie, isn't she?" "asked" Shiraiyoshi.

"...Now, you got that?" finished Hina.

"Hai, sensei!" said Negi-tachi.

"Good..." said Hina as he exited the room, her gray hair wig accidentally falling off her head. She quickly picked her wig back up, and put it back on. "You saw nothing!"

-+*+-

HEPPOKO

JIKKEN

FYUUJON

KAORA

SAAGA

(HINA: DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME?! YOU SAW _NOTHING_, DAMMIT!)

-+*+-

"Have you seen her?" asked Security Guard #2.

"Iie, I haven't. Let's keep looking!" said Security Guard #3.

"Right!" agreed Security Guard #2 as he and #3 split up.

Inside the nearby restroom, Kaolla was hiding in a stall. "Oh...can't those two _ever_ give up?! ...Hey, what's this...?"

Kaolla noticed something else scribbled on the stall wall.

"Employee Lounge"

"...Ah! This must be a secret clue someone left for me!"

-+*+-

After the class, Negi-tachi were leaving City Hall via the Lobby.

"*sigh* Why do you two clods always have to follow me everyplace that I go...?" groaned Negi.

"It's simple!" answered Iwatani. Our destinies are linked together by the red string of fate!"

"You idiot! The red string of fate only applies to lovers!" snapped Negi.

Suddenly, someone pushing a giant beverage cart caught Negi's attention...

"*gasp* OTOHIME-SAN! I did not know that you worked here!" shouted Negi as he ran over to her.

"I don't really work here! This is just a part-time job that I have on the side," said Mutsumi.

As Negi and Mutsumi chatted, Iwatani and Shiraiyoshi felt left out and ignored.

"A part-time job, ne? So, your _other_ job does not pay as well as you had originally hoped?" asked Negi.

"Oh, no, it...pays quite well!" answered Mutsumi. "Anyway, I want to give you this!" Mutsumi handed Negi a small green bottle. "Good luck to both of us on our future careers! (^_^)"

As Mutsumi walked away, Negi looked at the bottle and blushed. "It _is_ the red string of fate! (^_^)"

Shiraiyoshi looked at the bottle. "But it's green."

"I KNOW THAT! I WAS NOT TALKING ABOUT THE BOTTLE!" shouted Negi.

Iwatani grabbed Negi's head, and gave him a noogie. "Ooh! Lover-boy got a little present from his little sweetie-pie! (^_^)"

"GET OFF OF ME!" roared Negi as he threatened Iwatani with his staff.

Neither of them noticed it, but everyone in the Lobby who had taken the green stuff Mutsumi had given them turned green, vomited, and died.

-+*+-

In the Employee Lounge, Fat Lady Mayor was again flirting with a handsome Male Official. "Mmm...When I become mayor, how would you like to have a street named after you?"

"Uhhhh...No thanks! (^_^;)" The Male Official sweatdropped.

Fat Lady Mayor was about to try to bug the Male Official for a big sloppy smacker again, when she was interrupted by a young 14-year-old foreigner girl!

"AAAHH! WHO ARE YOU?!" screamed Fat Lady Mayor.

"My name is Kaolla Kaolla, agent of the top secret organization of HINATA, serving (Land)Lord Keitarazzo!" introduced Kaolla. "I saw what you were doing! Having an affair with one of your interns! You ought to resign from office!"

"R-R-Really! I can explain everything...!" stuttered Fat Lady Mayor.

"Shyeah, right! A dishonest lady like you cannot be trusted! You're a cancer upon this fair city! If you have any decency in you, you'll step down as mayor of H!" said Kaolla.

Fat Lady Mayor grinned. "I don't have to step down as mayor...if I can eliminate the only eyewitness!"

Kaolla doubled back out of the room in shock. "NANI?!"

Fat Lady Mayor walked closer to Kaolla. "Heh heh heh...How would you like to try on some pretty cement shoes, then go for a swim in the river...?"

"G-G-GET AWAY FROM ME...!" screamed Kaolla as she ran off again.

-+*+-

A short time later in the Real Mayor's office, Hina was having a discussion with the Real Mayor.

"You've done a real good job while in office, Real Mayor," congratulated Hina.

"Doumo arigatou, Hina," acknowledged Real Mayor, "So, how's your little 'defense squad' plan going?"

"Very nicely," answered Hina, "This city'll have the best protection that I can give it!"

"Ooh, so I basically can sit back and do nothing?!" beamed Real Mayor.

"Iie, not really. You'll still have shitloads of paperwork to do," said Hina.

"Crap..." groaned Real Mayor.

-+*+-

"WHERE ARE YOU?!" shouted Security Guard #4, outside the Women's Lavatory.

"GET OUT HERE AND PAY YOUR TAXES!" shouted Female Official #2, also from outside the Women's Lavatory.

Inside the Ladies' Room stall, Kaolla was hiding yet again.

"You know, I'm really starting to grow quite fond of this place...BUT I MUST NOT GIVE UP ON MY QUEST!" exclaimed Kaolla. "COME ON, SCRIBBLES ON THE WALL! BESTOW UPON ME MORE WISDOM!"

Kaolla searched the stall wall for more infomation, but all she found was:

"I have learned too much! I'm going to be killed! LET ME OUT OF HERE!"

"Oh, that's just great!" groaned Kaolla as she exited the stall, only to find herself face-to-face with a group of Green Vomiting Zombies!

"OH, GODS! AND I JUST CLEANED THAT FLOOR, TOO!" wailed Kaolla.

One of the Green Vomiting Zombies lunged for Kaolla, who instantly made a break for it!

As Kaolla bolted down the hallway from the pursuing Green Vomiting Zombies, she caught the attention of several City Officials, one of them being the Fat Lady Mayor!

"HEY! GET HER!" shouted Fat Lady Mayor.

-+*+-

At the mysterious locker that Kaolla had discovered, Mutsumi had curiously wandered into the tunnel after seeing the glow of the computer screen.

"Oooh...Could this be useful information? (^_^)" said Mutsumi as she watched the numbers fly up the screen. "Maybe I'll go ask Kaolla-sempai for advice," said Mutsumi as she exited the tunnel, not aware that she had activated an E-mail program...

-+*+-

"I'M RUNNING!" screamed Kaolla as she ran from the City Officials, who were in turn being pursued by the Green Vomiting Zombies.

"WE'RE CHASING!" screamed the City Officials as they chased Kaolla down the hall.

-+*+-

At his desk, the Newspaper Editor was sulking, when the "You've Got Mail!" voice chimed.

"This better not be more spam!" said the Newspaper Editor as he opened up the E-mail.

"Wha...? HEY! LOOK AT THIS!" he shouted as he read the header of the enclosed document...

"List of Illegal Routing from Budget for Redevelopment of the West Gate"

The Newspaper Chief grinned. "You've done it, Newspaper Editor! Stop the presses! This is going on Page One!"

-+*+-

"OHH, WHERE'S ANOTHER ONE OF MY CREATIVE GADGETS WHEN YOU NEED ONE...?!" panicked Kaolla as she ran from the City Officials and Green Vomiting Zombies.

As Kaolla ran by, Mutsumi noticed her. "Hey! Kaolla-sem--uuuggh...!"

Mutsumi fainted yet again.

-+*+-

In the Real Mayor's office, Hina was still chatting with the Real Mayor.

"You know, Real Mayor, there are a few...incompetent bakas on your staff that need to go!" said Hina.

"You mean my Vice Mayor and Personal Fitness Trainer?" asked Real Mayor.

"Hai. A good woodsman has to clear out all the trees before he can build anything good!" answered Hina.

"Ohh, doumo arigatou, Ma'am! I'll get to work on writing out their pink slips right away!" nodded Real Mayor as he started to dig through his desk.

When the door to his office swung open, Real Mayor looked up. "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!"

"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO I AM!" shouted Kaolla. "YOU'VE JUST BEEN ACCUSED OF RE-ROUTING FUNDS FROM THE BUDGET!"

"Re-routing funds from the budget?! That's poppycock!" said Real Mayor as he pressed the "special button."

-+*+-

The "special button" sent a signal to City Hall's "Crush, Kill, Destroy" Department, causing one of its Computer Workers to transform into...THE MIGHTY CHIMONO THE BEAST SOLDIER!

"GROAAAAAAAAARRR!" roared Chimono as he smashed his computer, and ran to go respond to the situation at hand in the Real Mayor's office...

-+*+-

Back in the Real Mayor's office, the small army of City Officials, along with the Fat Lady Mayor, that was chasing Kaolla came through the door, knocking Kaolla out of the way!

"There she is! That's the girl that hacked into our computer system!" pointed out City Official #1.

"Punish her greatly!" said City Official #2. "...Oh, hi, Grandma!" City Official #2 noticed Hina looking out the window.

"_You_ deal with her. Whoever does so first, shall be the next mayor!" said Hina.

The three City Officials then fought over who got to kill Kaolla.

"_I_ want to be the next mayor!" shouted City Official #1.

"Iie, _I'm_ going to be the next mayor!" responded City Official #2.

"You're both nuts! It's _me_ that's going to be the next mayor!" declared City Official #3.

"What's going on?! I though _I_ was chosen as the next mayor of H, Hina!" wondered Fat Lady Mayor.

As the three were bickering, Chimono the Beast Soldier came smashing through the window, landing on the desk!

"*gasp* It's Chimono the Beast Soldier! Poor Computer Worker!" cried City Official #1.

"GROOOOAARR!" growled Chimono.

"Chimono, _KILL THEM ALL_!" ordered Hina. "AND ESPECIALLY KILL THE GIRL!"

Chimono snarled defiantly, and cleaved Real Mayor's head clean off with his Axe of Despair!

"OH, MY GOD! IT'S OUT OF CONTROL!" screamed City Official #2 as Chimono charged towards them.

Luckily, all three City Officials and Fat Lady Mayor ran off just in the nick of time!

As Chimono was on its rampage, Kaolla had been hiding behind the couch praying.

"Dear God, if I don't get out of here alive, tell (Land)Lord Keitarazzo that I really, really, _really_...!"

"Hey! Little Girl!" shouted Hina.

"Huh?" Kaolla peaked out from behind the couch.

Hina pulled out what appeared to be some sort of rope and hook from a utility pack on her belt. "It's been nice meeting you...Oh, no, wait! It hasn't! Anyway, I have a feeling that we'll meet again sometime in the near future! Sayounara!"

With that, Hina swung the hook around, and tossed it, causing the hook to snag onto another tall building. She grabbed a firm hold on the rope, and made her escape!

"Oh, great! I'm all alone with this beast!" said Kaolla as she tried to sneak out. Her attempt failed, as Chimono ran over to her, and raised his Axe of Despair over his head!

"Hey, look! A busty, green-haired news reporter!" shouted Kaolla, pointing in the opposite direction.

"Rrrgh...?" Chimono growled, looking in the same direction.

"PSYCHE!" exclaimed Kaolla as she made it to the door. But as soon as she got there, she was confronted by the army of Green Vomiting Zombies!

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKK! OH-NOOOOOOO...!"

-+*+-

Fat Lady Mayor and the three City Officials were running as hard as they could from the office, when all of a sudden, Fat Lady Mayor slipped on a puddle of green slime!

"WOOOAAAHH...!" cried Fat Lady Mayor as she slid into someone lying on the floor.

"Huh...?" Fat Lady Mayor looked at who she had slid into. It was a brown-haired woman lying on the floor unconscious!

"AAAAAAAAHHH! IT'S A DEAD GIRL! RUUUUUNN!" screamed Fat Lady Mayor as she and the three City Officials continued running, even more panicked.

-+*+-

An army of Newspaper Writers stormed out of the next-door H News offices, and into the City Hall.

"LET'S GO GET THE DIRT ON THEM! MAKE THEM COUGH EVERYTHING UP!" shouted the Newspaper Editor as he led his troops into City Hall, which was already jam-packed with Green Vomiting Zombies. The Green Vomiting Zombies got so agitated when the City Hall became invaded, they all exploded at once! The entire City Hall became flooded with green vomit, blood, and organs, drowning everyone inside!

...Except for Kaolla and Mutsumi, that is. Kaolla managed to fend her way through the horde of Green Vomiting Zombies, scoop up Mutsumi, and leave, not without getting a little green gunk on her and Mutsumi.

-+*+-

As the Great Naru of the Macrocosm saw the green ichor gushing out of City Hall, plus all the dead people inside, she knew that she had to intervene.

"EEEEW! Green Vomiting Zombies! How disgusting! I shall use my divine powers to restore everything to the way it was before!"

Great Naru began to dry up the slime, and restore the lives of everyone inside City Hall.

"Be reborn, all those who lost their lives! May love and peace be in your hearts forever! Love and peace! Love and peace! Love and peace! Love and peace! Love and peace! Love and peace...!"

-+*+-

"MR. S FROM LAST TIME..."

Back at the quaint little house in the mountainous landscape, Meidora was celebrating her birthday with her sexy mother and her new father Kentarez.

"Wow! Its what I've always wanted!" exclaimed Meidora as she unwrapped her present, a brand new Mommy-I-Wet-Myself doll.

"You're welcome, Meidora!" said Kentarez. "Now, let's have some cake! (^_^)"

Kentarez's sexy wife went to get the cake, but did not come back from the kitchen with it.

"Hey, Honey! Where's the cake?" asked Kentarez.

"Kentarez...I can't keep up the charade any longer...*sniff*...Meidora is not my daughter...!" sobbed Kentarez's sexy wife, collapsing on the floor.

"*gasp* You mean...?" gasped Kentarez.

"Hai...she's actually my younger sister," said Kentarez's sexy wife.

Kentarez was speechless!

-+*+-

Outside of the house, Seta had been listening in on everything.

"It doesn't make any sense! Meidora...is not my beautiful daughter...but actually my sexy wife's younger sister?! I MUST BE INFERTILE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Seta's cry could be heard from miles around.

-+*+-

As Seta walked down the road, 100% depressed, he ran into a young woman with purple hair, brown eyes, and wearing a dark cloak.

"Pardon me, ma'am, but can you help me...?" asked a desperate Seta.

"GAGADFSKODNCODNFDNCIWDISDIOINOSDCNSNISNCSCOSMNCOSKCA!" answered that girl.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I CAN'T UNDERSTAND HER!" cried Seta as he ran off.

-+*+-

Back at the HINATA base, Kaolla and Mutsumi had just gotten back from their mission, and were once again standing in the presence of (Land)Lord Keitarazzo.

"*sniff* *sniff* Eew! Both of you smell pretty ripe! Where'd you go? A landfill?!" asked Keitarazzo, holding his nose.

Suddenly, there was another knock on the door, and two familiar heads popped in again, Kinko Mutsumi and Kaolla Amalla.

"Konban wa!" greeted Amalla.

"We heard that you're looking for new band members!" said Kinko.

Kaolla was about to rush over and slam the door shut, but Keitarazzo pulled the purple velvet rope again, letting Kaolla drop into the hot springs again.

"Come in, and we'll talk! (^_^)" said Keitarazzo as he invited the two ladies in.

"Well...at least I'm clean...!" said Kaolla, down in the hole.

-+*+-

Several miles below the Earth's crust, Hina Kabapu and her board of goons were plotting their next move in their secret underground base. Hina was talking with someone on the phone.

"...Uh-huh...Hai...Yeah, you get Professor Kobe to work on that right away...okay...yeah...Sayounara!" Hina hung up, and smiled evilly.

"Heh heh heh...This is going to be one _saaaafe_ city...!"

-+*+-

~Episode Five: The Interesting Giant Tower~

TODAY'S MISSION... ... ...FAILED

-+*+-

[On a beach on some obscure Pacific island, a familiar man with five-spiked hair is sitting on a beach, underneath a parasol and drinking a Cherry Coke. He sings to himself as he stares at the blue sky and rolling waves.]

YAMI GOKU: o/~ Huh, My name is, (what?) My name is, (who?) My name is... (chiki-chiki-chiki) ...Yami Goku!/ Huh, My name is, (what?) My name is, (who?) My name is... (chiki-chiki-chiki) ...Yami Goku!/ Huh, My name is, (what?) My name is, (who?) My name is... (chiki-chiki-chiki) ...Yami Goku!/ Ya - mi Go - ku's, sittin' on the beach drinkin' ice cold Cherry...*sip*...Coke...and everything is feelin' right/ Oh yeah, oh yeah ... o/~ o/~

-+*+-

TODAY'S YAMI GOKU... ... ...ON VACATION!

-+*+-

[Cue Ending Theme, "Menchi's Bolero of Sorrow~ So You're Going to Eat Me"]

[Tama walks up to a microphone in the middle of a spotlight. She adjusts the mike, and starts to sing. As she sings, a woman (let's just say it's Nyamo from the Summer Special) appears in a bubble beside her, and translates Tama's singing. Occasionally during the song, a hand shakes salt down onto Tama.]

Starring...

Kaolla Suu as Kaolla Kaolla (Parody of Excel Excel)

(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)

[NYAMO: "I knew, ever since that day..."]

Mutsumi Otohime as Mutsumi (Parody of Hyatt)

(TAMA: Myuuhh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuhhh...!)

[NYAMO: "...the reason that you had approached me."]

Keitaro Urashima as (Land)Lord Keitarazzo (Parody of Lord Ilpalazzo)

(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)

[NYAMO: "Tender and soft..."]

Naru Narusegawa as Great Naru of the Macrocosm (Parody of Great Will of the Macrocosm)

Noriyasu Seta as Pedroyasu Seta (Parody of Pedro)

Mei Narusegawa as Meidora (Parody of Sandora)

Tama-chan as Tama (Parody of Menchi)

(TAMA: Myuuhh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuhhh...!)

[NYAMO: "...that my body is to your tastes."]

Negi Springfield as Negi Watanabe (Parody of Touru Watanabe)

Masayuki Haitani as Iwatani (Parody of Norikuni Iwata)

Kimiaki Shirai as Shiraiyoshi (Parody of Daimaru Sumiyoshi)

(TAMA: Myuuuuhh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuhh...myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuhh...?)

[NYAMO: "To your hunger-stricken eyes, how does my body seem?"]

Kentaro Sakata as Kentarez (Parody of Gomez)

Amalla Suu as Kaolla Amalla (Parody of Excel Kobayashi)

Kinko Himura as Kinko Mutsumi (Parody of Mikako Hyatt)

Yami Goku as himself (Parody of Nabeshin)

(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)

[NYAMO: "If you are to eat me, do it in one blow..."]

Grandma Hina as Hina Kabapu (Parody of Mr. Kabapu)

Chimono the Beast Soldier as himself (Parody of Yamazaki From Accounting)

?????? as...uh...that girl... ...

(TAMA: Myuh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuuhhh...)

[NYAMO: "...so that the meat does not get hard."]

[As the song ends and the curtain closes, a hand grabs Tama off the stage.]

-+*+-

A YAMI GOKU FQX PRODUCTION

KAOLLA: What does a ski resort remind you of? Skiing? Breaking all the bones in your body? Freezing half to death? _Something's_ ought to happen like that in our next episode, "The Cold is Winter! The Snowed-Under Episode!" Oh, and there's going to be a new character, too...!

-+*+-

Yami Goku (who's not really on vacation, but wishes he was): dark_magician720@att.net