Love Hina Fan Fiction / Excel Saga Fan Fiction ❯ Quack Experimental Fusion Kaolla Saga ❯ The Cold is Winter! The Snowed-Under Episode ( Chapter 6 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Hola! Welcome to Episode Seis of Kaolla Saga! Sorry for the long wait! When you're finished, please Read & Review!

Enjoy, mi amigo!

-+*+-

I don't own anything that isn't mine.

-+*+-

[Scene: An Arctic terrain, with ice-covered mountains every which way you look. We see Kaolla hanging from a mountain bundled up tight, in both coats and rope that she was using to climb the mountain.]

KAOLLA: HEEELLLLOOOOOOO?! RIIIICOLAAAAAAAAAA! A LITTLE HELP HEEERREE?!

[A voice echoes back, it's Ken Akamatsu's.]

KEN: YAMI GOKU HAS MY PERMISSION!

KAOLLA: TO _WHAT_?! TO RESCUE ME?!

KEN: IIE! HE HAS MY PERMISSION TO CHANGE HIS "KAOLLA SAGA" FANFIC INTO A SURVIVAL DRAMA!

KAOLLA: THAT'S IT?! I COULD USE A LITTLE HELP OVER HERE! SOMEONE GET ME A HELICOPTER, OR AT LEAST A--

[Someone cuts the rope holding Kaolla up, and she plummets all the way down.]

KAOLLA: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh... ... ... ... ...!

[We pan up to Ken Akamatsu and Liddo #359. The Liddo was obviously the one who had cut the rope with a pair of scissors.]

KEN: Good job, widdo fwuffy-kins! Here, have a wowwie-pop!

[Ken sticks a lollipop in the Liddo's mouth. The Liddo doesn't seem to like it, and he makes an ugly face.]

LIDDO: Kiss my furry yellow ass!

-+*+-

[Cue Opening Theme, "Love (Loyalty)."]

[A shot of Kaolla does a 360, then Kaolla falls into Keitarazzo's trap hole. Shortly before the title screen, she emerges with a squid on her head.]

QUACK EXPERIMENTAL FUSION

K A O L L A * S A G A

A Love Hina/Excel Saga Fusion FanFic by Yami Goku

~Episode Six: The Cold is Winter! The Snowed-Under Episode~

[Kaolla makes several funny faces at the screen.]

[Kaolla and Mutsumi are lip-syncing to the OT, which is actually being sung by the Excel * Girls.]

Sore wa ai ja nai~~... (*cough* *cough*) ["That isn't love..."]

Ai wa sore ja nai~~... (*cough* *cough*) ["Love isn't that..."]

[The girls are singing on a sidewalk.]

Aishite iru kedo ai sarete wa inai. ["I am in love, but I am not loved."]

[Several shots that include Mutsumi looking at you, looking the other way, collapsing, and laying on a couch soused to the gills.]

Kesshite ai ja nai~~... (*cough* *cough*) ["Definitely isn't love..."]

Ketsu wa ai ja nai~~... (*cough* *cough*) ["Derriere isn't love..."]

[The girls are singing within the locker room of a men's public bath.]

Aisaretai kedo motometari wa shinai. ["I want to be loved, but I never seek it out."]

[Several shots of Tama in different poses, then when Tama sees Kaolla wielding a fork and knife, she acts terrified and withdraws into her shell.]

Kono mi sasagete inochi nagedashi. ["I offer myself, and throw my life away."]

[Mutsumi floating in the water.]

Wakime mo furazu tada hitasura ni ["Looking neither left nor right, I will just earnestly"]

[Kaolla tries to run off, but two hands restrain her.]

Dameshite sukashite yokohairi ["Cheat, wheedle, interfere,"]

[Negi attempting to "initiate a perpetual contract" with Mutsumi, but a giant tentacle snatches him away. Then, three Mutsumi heads appear on the screen, each one a little closer than the last.]

Tanin wo fumitaoshi keri wo kamashite! ["And trample down and kick strangers!"]

[Kaolla kicking Negi, Iwatani, and Shiraiyoshi clean into next week!]

Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) ["And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"]

[Kaolla and Mutsumi running down a long road, with Tama flying along the path.]

Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) ["And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"]

[(Land)Lord Keitarazzo joins the three. He trips on his cape as he runs, and falls down.]

Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) ["And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"]

[Kitsune is running across a bridge with a bunch of Liddos.]

Tonzora koite~~~...! ["And we get the Hell out...!"]

[Yami Goku and Ken Akamatsu running from the Feds through a tunnel, then off into the sunset.]

Banana no kawa de korondemo ["Even if I slip on a banana peel,"]

[Kaolla hanging upside-down from a tree eating a banana, while Mutsumi has slipped on several of Kaolla's banana peels, and is now unconscious on the ground.]

Sore wa subete ano kata no tame. ["It's all for his sake, anyways."]

[A giant tiger-like monster that bears a resemblance to Byakko from "Yu Yu Hakusho" pops up in front of Kaolla and Mutsumi, and the two girls assume a fighting pose. Keitarazzo is watching from the background, cowering in fear.]

Shiite iu nara sore wa kitto ["If anything, that is probably"]

[Seta being dragged from his bed by The Great Naru of The Macrocosm.]

Ai to iu na no chuuseishin! ["A kind of loyalty called love!"]

[Kaolla and Mutsumi in (Land)Lord Keitarazzo's throne room, saluting him.]

-+*+-

At the International Airport in the city of H, Yami Goku was just returning from his vacation in beautiful Hawaii, and was having an argument with a flight attendant who was just as beautiful.

"WHAT DO YOU _MEAN_ I CAN'T CALL YOU 'BABE'?! YOU _ARE_ A BABE!" shouted Yami Goku.

"I don't like being called a 'babe'. It demeans us both," answered the Flight Attendant as she walked off. Yami Goku sighed as he went to go get his luggage.

Another person emerged from a different gate, this one a woman. The camera pans upwards, starting from her behind, then up to her chest.

"Hey, why are you stoppin' there?" asked the woman.

The camera went up to her face, which was digitally censored.

"Oh, no! I'm not a Hentai star, but I see how you could've made that mistake!"

Her face cleared up, revealing a busty young woman with short dirty-blonde hair with a cowlick, and squinty eyes.

---

PROFILE

Mitsune Matsuya

Gender: Female

Age: 20

Description: Cunning and crafty, talks with a Kansai accent, prefers to be called "Kitsune."

---

"Oh, you're just flatterin' me! There's no need for that! (^_^)" said Kitsune as she went for her own luggage.

-+*+-

"Ahhh!" sighed Iwatani as he stood in front of City Hall. "What a great day for us to be Civil Servants! (^_^)"

Negi looked at Iwatani funny. "He is sure excited about this! It is like it's the Super Bowl!"

"He's a real eager beaver!" "said" Shiraiyoshi.

"LET'S GO IN THERE AND BE THE BEST DAMN CIVIL SERVANTS THAT WE CAN BE!" exclaimed Iwatani, striking a dynamic pose before marching into the building. Negi and Shiraiyoshi followed close behind him.

Iwatani marched down the hall, entering the first room he saw, thinking that his destiny laid in the room at the end of a long hallway.

"EEEEEEEEEEKKK!"

...But it didn't. He had marched right into the Women's Locker Room! After being pummeled by ten angry women, attempted to crawl out and being dragged back in again for more pummeling, he crawled out and caught up with Negi and Shiraiyoshi, who had already found the _correct_ room.

"Okay, here is the room that we have been assigned to!" said Negi as he opened the door. The three men walked in, finding themselves in a completely empty room!

"Nice expansive layout..." "commented" Shiraiyoshi, before noticing a piece of paper on the floor. He walked over and picked it up, and Negi grabbed it and read it.

"The first day shall be used for basic training," read Negi. "Basic training...I will do whatever it takes...! *sigh*" Negi's eyes glazed over as he began to daydream, his dream appearing in a cloud above his head...

"I have taken this job in City Security just for you, Otohime-san..." said Negi to Mutsumi, in his dream.

"Oh, Negi! You're so brave!" said Mutsumi.

"I would do anything to protect you, Otohime-san. I would even give my own life for you," spoke Negi.

"OHHHH, NEGI!" cooed Mutsumi.

Iwatani got frustrated, and tore down Negi's dream balloon, and stomped on it.

"AAAAAHH! MY DREAM!" cried Negi.

-+*+-

In the "throne room" of the organization of HINATA, (Land)Lord Keitarazzo was briefing Kaolla and Mutsumi.

"Okay, so last night's plan was _kind of_ a success," said Keitarazzo, "But the ignorant masses somehow failed to realize that HINATA's ideals are downright brilliant! Okay, you can salute me now, if you want to."

"HAIL KEITARAZZO!" saluted Kaolla.

Mutsumi was laying in a hospital bed, severely weakened from last night's ordeal with the Green Stuff. "Hail...Kei...tarazzo...! *cough*" she weakly saluted.

"Tell me, Kaolla, what's the main thing that HINATA needs in order to take over this city?" asked Keitarazzo, looking at Kaolla.

"Ummmmmmmmmmm...Money?" guessed Kaolla.

"Iie," Keitarazzo shook his head. "Mutsumi?"

"Uhhhhh...ummmm...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... ... ..." gasped Mutsumi as she passed out again.

"D'OH! NOT AGAIN!" Kaolla growled as she slapped Mutsumi, waking her up.

"...Oh! Resources?" was Mutsumi's guess.

"Yeah, that's right! HINATA needs a lot of resources!" nodded Keitarazzo.

"YEAH! RESOURCES! THAT WAS GOING TO BE MY NEXT GUESS! RESOURCES! HINATA NEEDS LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF RESOURCES!" screeched Kaolla, starting to get hyperactive again. "AS A GREAT AMERICAN MAN ONCE SAID--YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH... ... ... ...!" (*splash!*)

Keitarazzo dumped Kaolla down the trap hole, causing her to fall into the hot spring again.

"I really ought to check Kaolla's caffeine intake..." noted Keitarazzo.

-+*+-

As Negi-tachi were driving towards where they would be training, Negi and Shiraiyoshi were beginning to get suspicious of Iwatani's navigational prowess.

"Dude, are we there yet?" "asked" Shiraiyoshi.

"Iwatani, do you even know where we are going?" asked Negi. "I think we are lost!"

"Trust me, guys! I'm an _excellent_ driver!" swore Iwatani. "We're _not_ lost!"

"Then why does that sign say 'Welcome to Uzbekistan'?" pointed out Negi.

"... ...Okay, maybe we're a _little_ lost...! (^_^;)" chuckled Iwatani as he turned the car around.

-+*+-

Up in the cold mountains, Kaolla was busy panning for gold.

"Oh, hi, everyone!" beamed Kaolla, waving at you. "Me and Mutsumi-chan are up here panning for gold! Of course, there's no record of gold ever being discovered on the mountain, but they probably just weren't looking hard enough! We've just _got_ to find some gold, because (Land)Lord Keitarazzo wants us to find resources!"

Keitarazzo's image appeared in the sky. "Resources! We need resources! Kaolla, gimmie some resources!" he spoke before disappearing.

Kaolla looked at Mutsumi swimming in the water, looking pale and weak. "I just wish that Mutsumi-chan would swim a little more energetically!"

"Kaolla-sempai...if we don't find any resources here...we'll freeze to death in the very very very very very very very very... ... *cough* ... ...very cold water...!" whispered Mutsumi, on the verge of passing out again.

-+*+-

A short distance away, Tama was slowly trekking through the freezing white snow, too cold to fly.

"Myuuuh...!" groaned Tama as she collapsed, and started having hallucinations...

"HELLO, FOOD!" snarled a demonic Kaolla as she drooled at the sight of Tama.

"Mmmmm! You look so delicious! (^_^)" smiled a semi-demonic Mutsumi.

"Myuh! Myuh!" Tama slapped herself twice, clearing the hallucinations from her head.

"Myuuuhh..." sighed Tama as she looked at the large expanse of mountains ahead of her.

-+*+-

Back at the lodge, Kaolla and Mutsumi had just returned from their gold-searching journey.

"We're back!" they both said in unison to the Lodge Manager.

"Ah, good! It's about time!" said the Lodge Manager. "So, did you find any gold?"

"No, we didn't!" said Kaolla. "We looked high, low, left, right, and diagonally, but not a speck of gold was to be found! (Land)Lord Keitarazzo's not going to like this, nosireebob!"

The Lodge Manager went and got something from another room. "Well, then...I have a special assignment for you!" Lodge Manager handed Kaolla a bunch of rifles and ammunition. "I want you to go hunt some wild game! The fridge is getting kind of empty here!"

"Hunt...some wild game...?!" said Kaolla. "As in...kill wild animals...?!"

"Yep! Now get moving!" ordered the Lodge Manager.

-+*+-

Some distance away, the car carrying Negi, Iwatani, and Shiraiyoshi had stalled in the middle of nowhere.

"Aaaarggh! I _told_ you that ¥1,000 worth of gas would not be enough!" growled Negi.

"Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch!" said Iwatani. "Your constant 'tude won't put gas in this tank!"

"I'm hungry..." "complained" Shiraiyoshi.

"Hey, I am, too!" said Negi. "Fortunately, I bought this stick of gum at the gas station!" Negi held up a stick of chewing gum.

"*gasp!* JUICY FRUIT!" shouted Iwatani and Shiraiyoshi as they tackled Negi, causing him to drop the pack of gum into a rain gutter.

"AW, BLOODY HELL! LOOK AT WHAT YOU LITTLE CLODS DID!" screamed Negi. "Hey, who's that...?" Negi's attention was caught by a familiar old lady sleeping in the middle of the street.

"Hey! Isn't that our new boss, Hina Kabapu?!" said Iwatani.

"Why, I believe it is! HEY! GRANDMA!" shouted Negi, waking Hina up. Hina stood up, and looked at her employees.

"Ahhhh! Sleeping on the street may be dangerous, but it sure is good for the back!" remarked Hina.

Negi then realized something. "HEY! WAIT A MINUTE! If _you are here_, then that must mean...!"

Hina nodded. "Hai! You made it!"

Negi-tachi looked to the side, and noticed the building where they were supposed to go.

"D'OH!" grunted Negi at his and his friends' stupidity.

Just then, a woman walked out of the building, and noticed that the new recruits had just arrived.

---

PROFILE...

"I _said_ that there's no need for that! (^_^)" said Kitsune.

Kitsune looked at Negi-tachi. "So, are these the new recruits? God, they look like such _losers_! Anyway, I'm Mitsune Matsuya, but I'd prefer it if you'd call me Kitsune! (^_^)"

As Kitsune walked back into the building, Iwatani and Shiraiyoshi were blushing and drooling.

"*sigh* Ecchi bakas...! (-_-)" sighed Negi.

-+*+-

Back up in the mountains, Kaolla was out in the wilderness again, hunting for wild game in the forest.

"Ohhh...How am I _ever_ going to kill a defenseless, wild animal?! Especially when I can see the glimmer of innocence in their kawaii little eyeballs?!" said Kaolla as she was concealed inside a bush.

Suddenly, an animal came from out of nowhere, catching Kaolla's attention!

"HEY! THERE'S SOMETHING!"

(***BANG!***)

"MMYYYYYYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHH...!" cried the animal, which turned out to be Tama!

"OH, MY GODS! TAAAAAAAAMMMAAAAAGOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Kaolla as she leapt out of the bush to tend to her wounded onsengame friend.

"*sniff* GOMEN NASAI, TAMAGO!" cried Kaolla. "I'LL GET HELP! THINGS ARE GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT...!"

-+*+-

HEPPOKO

JIKKEN

FYUUJON

K A O R A

S A A G A

[Kaolla walks up to the Great Naru of The Macrocosm, carrying a bleeding and mewling Tama.]

KAOLLA: Uh, Naru-chan, could you heal Tama? I accidentally shot her!

GREAT NARU: *sigh* All right, but you've got to be careful with Tama from now on, Kaolla!

[Kaolla tosses Tama into Great Naru's hands, and Great Naru hums as her antennae glow for a few seconds. She heals Tama back to 100% health.]

TAMA: Myuh! (^_^)

GREAT NARU: There you go!

KAOLLA: Doumo arigatou gozaimasu! (^_^)

[Kaolla walks off]

-+*+-

Later, back at the lodge...

"WHADDAYA _MEAN_ YOU'RE THE ONE THAT BROUGHT TAMA ALONG?!" shouted Kaolla.

"Well, she _is_ our Emergency Food Supply! (^_^)" answered Mutsumi.

Just then, the Lodge Manager walked out into the lobby, and noticed a frightened Tama sitting on the desk.

"So, is this what you caught?! Hmmm...It's been a while since I've cooked turtle..." Lodge Manager stripped off his sweater, revealing a "Kiss The Cook" apron. "...but I just so happen to know this _great_ recipe for turtle soup!" The Lodge Manager picked up the trembling Tama.

Kaolla grabbed Tama from the Lodge Manager. "Gomen nasai, Mr. Lodge Manager, but Tama is our Emergency Food Supply! I just shot her by accident! We'll only eat her if we're absolutely desperate!"

"*sigh* All right..." said Lodge Manager as he walked away.

Kaolla sighed. "Oh, gods, I'm _starving_! It looks like the time to finally resort to eating Tama is drawing nigh!"

Mutsumi smiled, and held up a box. "Well...(Land)Lord Keitarazzo sent us this package! He said that it was for use in the most dire of situations! (^_^)"

Kaolla snatched the box from Mutsumi's hands. "WOO-HOO! DOUMO ARIGATOU, (LAND)LORD KEITARAZZO-SAMA! YOU'VE SENT US o/~ FOOD, GLORIOUS FOOD! o/~"

Kaolla tore open the box, finding...a note!

"NANI?!"

-+*+-

"ATTENTION, ALL TRAINEES!" came Hina Kabapu's voice over a loudspeaker. "YOU ARE TO CHANGE INTO YOUR NEW UNIFORMS IN THE LOCKER ROOM, AND MEET ME ON THE TRAINING GROUNDS!"

Iwatani jumped for joy! "YEEESSS! DIDJA HEAR THAT?! WE'RE CHANGING IN THE LOCKER _ROOM_! (^_^)"

"So?! We're changing in a locker room! Big deal!" said Negi.

"WEREN'T YOU PAYING ATTENTION?! HE SAID 'LOCKER _ROOM_'! _ROOM_, SINGULAR! THAT MEANS THAT WE'RE GONNA GET TO SEE MITSUNE MATSUYA _NAKED_! (^_^)" exclaimed Iwatani.

Kitsune popped up behind Iwatani, dressed in a revealing blue spandex jumpsuit. "Well, I'm flattered that you want to see me naked, but you forgot to call me 'Kitsune'! (^_^)"

(*POW!*)

Kitsune punched Iwatani into a soda machine, spraying precious Coca-Cola® all over the place! (O_O)

Negi and Shiraiyoshi ogled Kitsune's body up and down. "What is that? Isn't that a little...*ahem*...revealing...?" chuckled Negi.

"Well, it's what we have to wear today! And besides, it really brings out my figure! Rowr! (^_^)" purred Kitsune.

Iwatani bolted upright, with a can of Sierra Mist® stuck in his mouth. "NNNI?! MMM NNT WRRNNG A RVLLNNG JMMPSUUT LKK DAAT! IT DZZNNT LLKK GGDD NN USS GYYYZZ!"

"I'm not too crazy about wearing that thing, either..." Shiraiyoshi "said."

-+*+-

"Dear Agents of HINATA,

I want you two to carry out a top secret mission for me. I want you to place these weird gadgets on top of that big mountain! I'm counting on you! Don't mess things up, like you usually do!

Sincerely,

(Land)Lord Keitarazzo"

As Kaolla and Mutsumi trekked up the mountain, Kaolla reflected on her rather unusual mission.

"I don't know what putting these weird gadgets on top of this big mountain has to do with finding resources, but we must obey any and all orders given to us by (Land)Lord Keitarazzo! Mutsumi-chan...?"

Kaolla turned around, only to find Mutsumi encased in a big block of ice, barely conscious.

"Help...meeee...!" came Mutsumi's voice from inside of the ice cube.

"AAAAAHH! MUTSUMI-CHAN! NOT AGAIN!" cried Kaolla as she hefted the giant ice cube that was Mutsumi over her shoulders, and began to heave it up the mountain. She carried it into a small cave in the mountain, and immediately built a small fire around Mutsumi.

"Daijoubu, Mutsumi-chan! I'll have you all nice and toasty in no time flat!" said Kaolla as she increased the size of the fire surrounding Mutsumi.

After waiting a little while, Kaolla noticed that the intense flame didn't seem to be melting Mutsumi's prison of ice much at all!

"I know! I'll help defrost you using sheer body heat! (^_^)" Kaolla said as she stripped off her clothes, and glomped the Mutsumi Popsicle.

"Ooh, my puppies are all chilly...!"

(***BOOM!***)

-+*+-

IN PROCESS OF REVIVAL, PLEASE WAIT...

[Liddo #466 is seen dancing around a cup of instant ramen.]

-+*+-

In a mighty explosion, Mutsumi was totally defrosted and warm, yet Kaolla was naked and freezing.

"Doumo arigatou, Senior! (^_^)" thanked Mutsumi, warming herself by the fire.

"Next time you pass out, please do it somewhere warmer...!" shivered Kaolla.

-+*+-

Back at the Mountain Training Base, Negi-tachi were all dressed in the tight, revealing spandex jumpsuits. They were standing outside in what Hina claimed was a "shooting range." Each of them was holding what could easily be recognized as plastic toy guns.

"Excuse me, but are these _really_ authentic guns? They look like toy water pistols to me! (^_^)" asked Kitsune.

"Hai, they _are_ authentic guns!" answered Hina.

Kitsune looked at the targets posted on the mountains. "And are those _actual_ targets? It feels like I'm in a carnival shootin' game! (^_^)"

"Hai, they _are_ actual targets!" growled Hina

Kitsune grinned. "If these _are_ actual guns, let's see if they work...! (^_^)" said Kitsune as she pointed the gun directly at Hina.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH HHH!" screamed Kuro as she bolted away, hopping into her car and driving a good distance away. As soon as she was a safe distance away, Kitsune pulled out a pair of binoculars, and spotted Hina. She was spelling out a message with semaphore flags.

"D-O...N-O-T...P-O-I-N-T...T-H-O-S-E...G-U-N-S...A-T...M-E...T-H- E-Y...A-R-E...R-E-A-L...D-A-M-M-I-T!" read Kitsune. "Huh, I guess I'll take her word for it! (^_^)"

All this time, Negi was muttering to himself, cursing how I put him in such a God-forsaken fanfic rather than just leave him in "Negima!".

-+*+-

"CAN YOU NOT HEAR ME NOW?!" yelled Kaolla as she scaled the snowy mountain in the harsh snowstorm.

"Hai, I can, Senior!" answered Mutsumi, safe inside the warm cave.

Kaolla climbed even higher. "HOW ABOUT NOW?! CAN YOU NOT HEAR ME _NOW_?!"

"I still can hear you very well, Kaolla-sempai!" replied Mutsumi.

Kaolla climbed higher still. "HOW ABOUT _NOW_?! PLEASE TELL ME THAT YOU CAN'T HEAR ME--"

Suddenly, the rope Kaolla was using to scale the mountain broke!

"--NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwww ww... ... ...!" doppled Kaolla's voice as she fell down the mountain.

-+*+-

Back at the nice, warm bar, Tama was enjoying a nice swim in a bowl of water, as the Lodge Manager sat enjoying a bottle of tequila and a shaker of salt. He was brandishing a gun in his hands, deep in thought.

"*sigh* This gun once belonged to my dear friend..." sighed Lodge Manager as he began to reminisce about his Army days...

-+*+-

"NOOOO! DON'T DO IT, ARMY MAN #4!" cried Lodge Manager as he tried to stop Army Man #4 from using his gun on himself.

"LOOK, IT'S _MY_ GUN, AND I'LL DO WHATEVER THE HELL I PLEASE WITH IT, ANTONIO!" shouted back Army Man #4 as he put the gun in his mouth.

(***BANG!***)

As the stupid, starving Army Man #4 tried to eat his gun, it accidentally went off and killed him.

-+*+-

Lodge Manager Antonio sighed, and put the gun to his own head. But before he could pull the trigger, the door blasted open, and a familiar man with starfish-shaped hair entered.

"PUT DOWN THAT GUN!" exclaimed the man.

Lodge Manager Antonio dropped the gun, stood up and gasped. "Could it really be you?! YAMI GOKU?!"

-+*+-

Back up on the mountain, Kaolla had _finally_ made it to the top! She planted a flag with the letter "H" (for HINATA, you hentais) on it on the very peak of the mountain.

"*pant* *pant* I've did it...*pant* *wheeze* I've made it to the top of the mountain on my 720th attempt! Meaning...*pant* *pant* I fell down the mountain 719 times...!" wheezed a very exhausted Kaolla.

"So, now that you've climbed a really huge mountain, what are you going to do now?" asked Kaolla, dressed like a member of the press.

"Oh...I don't know...Go to Disneyland, I guess..." answered Kaolla.

"Oooohh...Disneyland, ne?" said Kaolla, now dressed like a travel agent. "I've heard that food there is really expensive...And that weird governor that California has...I don't think you want to go there...!"

"Uggh...Whatever..." said Kaolla, back to normal. "And now...to plant the weird gadgets that (Land)Lord Keitarazzo said to plant up here, and activate them!"

"Good work, Agent Kaolla!" thanked (Land)Lord Keitarazzo, appearing in Kaolla's mind. "And now, the city of H shall receive a taste of the Master Blaster Spectral Release Phantasmatron(TM) developed by HINATA's most brilliant minds!"

Kaolla, with her immense technical prowess set up the Master Blaster Spectral Release Phantasmatron(TM) on top of the mountain in several seconds.

"All finished, Lord Keitarazzo! Power _ON_!" shouted Kaolla as she hit the Big Red Button(TM) on the Master Blaster Spectral Release Phantasmatron(TM). Kaolla began to imagine blasting H into unrecognizable char as her finger moved closer towards the Big Red Button(TM).

"Push the button, Kaolla," said Keitarazzo, in Kaolla's mind.

-+*+-

"HAI! That's it! Push the Big Red Button(TM)! Give the city a taste of the Master Blaster Spectral Release Phantasmatron(TM)'s power!" exclaimed Keitarazzo, "Then we'll have our work cut out for us!"

-+*+-

Back at the Mountain Training Base, Iwatani, Shiraiyoshi, and Kitsune were pondering over what their true purpose was carrying such crappy-looking firearms.

"Hmmm...I think the reason we're carrying these gay-looking guns is because City Officials are _supposed_ to carry gay-looking guns," "suggested" Shiraiyoshi.

"Well, in _that_ case..." Iwatani put his finger on the gun's trigger. "I'm going to _fire_ this gun, thus showing the world that I'm a City Official who's not afraid to fire off a gun that looks like a child's toy!"

(***ZAP!***)

Iwatani fired his firearm in the direction...of the mountain that Kaolla happened to be on at that very moment!

-+*+-

(****BOOOOOM!****)

"OH, MY GODS! OH-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Kaolla as the mountain began to crumble, due to the awesome power contained in Iwatani's...LASER GUN?!

-+*+-

As the gang at the M.T.B. saw the mountain start to fall apart, Iwatani was in total shock.

"WHAT THE HELL _ARE_ THESE THINGS?! SPACE ALIEN DEATH RAY GUNS?!"

"They're laser guns, dumbass! You know, like in all of those science fiction movies!" answered Hina. "Yessir, technology has finally caught up with fiction, and--" Hina then noticed the avalanche of snow and rock bearing down upon the base!

"--HOLLYWOODISLEADINGOURKIDSDOWNAMORALSEWERGOTTAGO!" Hina ran to her car, leapt in, and sped off.

"She seemed to be in an awful big rush," "said" Shiraiyoshi.

"Gee, I wonder why?" pondered Iwatani, before noticing that they were about to be consumed by a ferocious avalanche of snow!

"HOLY CRAP! AN AVALANCHE! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Iwatani, Shiraiyoshi, Negi, and Kitsune as they were swept away by freezing white death!

-+*+-

"Now, look here, Antonio! Suicide will _not_ reunite you with your departed comrade!" said Yami Goku, counseling the bereaving Lodge Manager Antonio. "Now, the first step to recovering is to--" Yami Goku paused, as he swore he could hear the sound of a killer avalanche fast approaching the bar!

"What's the first step to recovering, Yami Goku?" asked the curious Lodge Manager Antonio, not hearing anything out of the norm.

"--TO RUN LIKE THE DICKENS!" screamed Yami Goku as the avalanche finally reached the bar, destroying it and sweeping Yami Goku and Lodge Manager Antonio away!

"YYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH... !" screamed Yami Goku and Antonio as they were carrying off by the avalanche at a great speed, taking Liddo #555 along for the ride.

-+*+-

When the avalanche finally let up, Kaolla poked her head out of the snow, along with Mutsumi and Tama.

"Woah," said Kaolla, "Whatta storm! Are you all right, Mutsumi-chan?"

"Hai, I'm fine," replied Mutsumi.

Kaolla grabbed a startled Tama out of the snow. "And I see that Tamago made it, too! (^_^)"

Kaolla then looked around at the snowy, barren landscape. "Uh...Mutsumi-chan...?"

"Hai, Senior?" said Mutsumi.

"...Where the fudge are we?!"

-+*+-

Back in the city, Pedroyasu Seta was moping over how miserable recent events had made him.

"Ohh...*sob* Seta spend two years in a strange and weird city, worrying about his sexy wife and beautiful daughter...*sob*...only for him to return home to find that both of them had been taken from him! Whatta world! Whatta world! *sob*"

As Seta sat at a table with a crystal ball and wearing a dark cloak, Kentarez happened to notice him as he was walking by. "Wait...Kentarez knows that voice...SETA!"

-+*+-

Back at Hinata-sou, an exhausted and bedraggled Negi-tachi were crawling home on all fours.

"*pant* *pant* I cannot believe we were fortunate enough to survive that...! *pant* *pant*" panted Negi.

"Truly a miracle..." "gasped" Shiraiyoshi.

Just then, they noticed a moving van in front of the apartment building, with Kitsune standing by it!

Crawling up to her, the three tired men began to beseech her. "*gasp* *pant* *pant* Mitsune Matsuya...!" wheezed Iwatani.

"For the love of Cheez Whiz, you gotta give us something to eat...!" "begged" Shiraiyoshi.

Kitsune smiled sexily at Iwatani. "Iwatani...! (^_^)"

Kitsune pointed a water pistol at Iwatani and fired. The resulting laser blast blew Iwatani clean into the air, and destroying a good quarter of the city, not to mention Iwatani's jumpsuit!

"...What did I tell you about not callin' me 'Kitsune'...? (^_~)"

-+*+-

~Episode Six: The Cold is Winter! The Snowed-Under Episode~

TODAY'S MISSION... ... ...FAILED

-+*+-

[Cue Ending Theme, "Menchi's Bolero of Sorrow~ So You're Going to Eat Me"]

[Tama walks up to a microphone in the middle of a spotlight. She adjusts the mike, and starts to sing. As she sings, a woman (let's just say it's Nyamo from the Summer Special) appears in a bubble beside her, and translates Tama's singing. Occasionally during the song, a hand shakes salt down onto Tama.]

Starring...

Kaolla Suu as Kaolla Kaolla (Parody of Excel Excel)

(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)

[NYAMO: "I knew, ever since that day..."]

Mutsumi Otohime as Mutsumi (Parody of Hyatt)

(TAMA: Myuuhh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuhhh...!)

[NYAMO: "...the reason that you had approached me."]

Keitaro Urashima as (Land)Lord Keitarazzo (Parody of Lord Ilpalazzo)

(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)

[NYAMO: "Tender and soft..."]

Noriyasu Seta as Pedroyasu Seta (Parody of Pedro)

Tama-chan as Tama (Parody of Menchi)

(TAMA: Myuuhh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuhhh...!)

[NYAMO: "...that my body is to your tastes."]

Negi Springfield as Negi Watanabe (Parody of Touru Watanabe)

Masayuki Haitani as Iwatani (Parody of Norikuni Iwata)

Kimiaki Shirai as Shiraiyoshi (Parody of Daimaru Sumiyoshi)

Mitsune "Kitsune" Konno as Mitsune "Kitsune" Matsuya (Parody of Misaki Matsuya)

(TAMA: Myuuuuhh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuhh...myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuhh...?)

[NYAMO: "To your hunger-stricken eyes, how does my body seem?"]

Grandma Hina as Hina Kabapu (Parody of Mr. Kabapu)

Kentaro Sakata as Kentarez (Parody of Gomez)

(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)

[NYAMO: "If you are to eat me, do it in one blow..."]

Yami Goku as himself (Parody of Nabeshin)

(TAMA: Myuh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuuhhh...)

[NYAMO: "...so that the meat does not get hard."]

[As the song ends and the curtain closes, a hand grabs Tama off the stage.]

-+*+-

A YAMI GOKU FQX PRODUCTION

KAOLLA: Deep within the heart of Tokyo, there is a hotel called the Il Palazzo, from which the name of the "Excel Saga" character Ilpalazzo is derived, thus meaning that "Keitarazzo" is derived from the name, as well! A lot of creepy things happen at that hotel from what I've heard, and I don't mean what happened with all of those Duel Monsters in Chapter 10 of Yami Goku's "Yu-Gi-Oh-Ji!" fanfic, because that happened in a different hotel, entirely! Anyway, speaking of creepy, the next episode of Quack Experimental Fusion Kaolla Saga is Episode Seven: "The Melody of the Underground Passage," in which a lot of _spooooky_ stuff will happen! So, grab your blankie, and prepare to suck your thumb, next time on "Kaolla Saga"! (^_^)

-+*+-

Yami Goku (who actually _did_ go on vacation from May 19-21, 2004!): dark_magician720@att.net