Love Hina Fan Fiction / Excel Saga Fan Fiction ❯ Quack Experimental Fusion Kaolla Saga ❯ The Melody of the Underground Passage ( Chapter 7 )

Greetings! Welcome to the seventh installment of Kaolla Saga!

N-Joy! (^_^)

 

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I don't own anything that doesn't belong to me. Instead, it belongs to whoever the heck may own it.

 

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[Creepy horror music plays in the background. A newspaper is thrown through a glass window, landing on the futon of a sleeping man. The man stirs, wakes up, and sees the paper.]

 

MAN: Ohh, boy! The Evening Edition is here!

 

[The man opens up the paper, and begins to read an article written by Ken Akamatsu...]

 

KEN (V.O., ominous tone): "I, the sacri-licious Ken Akamatsu, do hereby give Yami Goku permission to turn his Kaolla Saga fanfic into a haunting, spine-tingling Horror fanfic!"

 

[The man's eyes wander down to a message in bold red letters, also written by K. A.]

 

KEN (ditto): "Please note: Anyone who reads this paper or reviews this fanfic will be presented with a cute little pet...! *evil cackle*"

MAN: Huh...?

 

[The man looks up, only to find his house filled to the brim with ravenous, blood-thirsty, merciless...LIDDOS!]

 

LIDDOS: Chupi! (^_^)

MAN: OH, MY GOD! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH... ...!

 

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[Cue Opening Theme, "Love (Loyalty)."]

 

[A shot of Kaolla does a 360, then Kaolla falls into Keitarazzo's trap hole. Shortly before the title screen, she emerges with a squid on her head.]

 

QUACK EXPERIMENTAL FUSION

K A O L L A * S A G A

 

A Love Hina/Excel Saga Fusion FanFic by Yami Goku

 

~Episode Seven: The Melody of the Underground Passage~

 

[Kaolla makes several funny faces at the screen.]

 

[Kaolla and Mutsumi are lip-syncing to the OT, which is actually being sung by the Excel * Girls.]

 

Sore wa ai ja nai~~... (*cough* *cough*) ["That isn't love..."]

Ai wa sore ja nai~~... (*cough* *cough*) ["Love isn't that..."]

[The girls are singing on a sidewalk.]

Aishite iru kedo ai sarete wa inai. ["I am in love, but I am not loved."]

[Several shots that include Mutsumi looking at you, looking the other way, collapsing, and laying on a couch soused to the gills.]

 

Kesshite ai ja nai~~... (*cough* *cough*) ["Definitely isn't love..."]

Ketsu wa ai ja nai~~... (*cough* *cough*) ["Derriere isn't love..."]

[The girls are singing within the locker room of a men's public bath.]

Aisaretai kedo motometari wa shinai. ["I want to be loved, but I never seek it out."]

[Several shots of Tama in different poses, then when Tama sees Kaolla wielding a fork and knife, she acts terrified and withdraws into her shell.]

 

Kono mi sasagete inochi nagedashi. ["I offer myself, and throw my life away."]

[Mutsumi floating in the water.]

Wakime mo furazu tada hitasura ni ["Looking neither left nor right, I will just earnestly"]

[Kaolla tries to run off, but two hands restrain her.]

Dameshite sukashite yokohairi ["Cheat, wheedle, interfere,"]

[Negi attempting to "initiate a perpetual contract" with Mutsumi, but a giant tentacle snatches him away. Then, three Mutsumi heads appear on the screen, each one a little closer than the last.]

Tanin wo fumitaoshi keri wo kamashite! ["And trample down and kick strangers!"]

[Kaolla kicking Negi, Iwatani, and Shiraiyoshi clean into next week!]

 

Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) ["And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"]

[Kaolla and Mutsumi running down a long road, with Tama flying along the path.]

Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) ["And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"]

[(Land)Lord Keitarazzo joins the three. He trips on his cape as he runs, and falls down.]

Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) ["And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"]

[Kitsune is running across a bridge with a bunch of Liddos.]

Tonzora koite~~~...! ["And we get the Hell out...!"]

[Yami Goku and Ken Akamatsu running from the Feds through a tunnel, then off into the sunset.]

 

Banana no kawa de korondemo ["Even if I slip on a banana peel,"]

[Kaolla hanging upside-down from a tree eating a banana, while Mutsumi has slipped on several of Kaolla's banana peels, and is now unconscious on the ground.]

Sore wa subete ano kata no tame. ["It's all for his sake, anyways."]

[A giant tiger-like monster that bears a resemblance to Byakko from "Yu Yu Hakusho" pops up in front of Kaolla and Mutsumi, and the two girls assume a fighting pose. Keitarazzo is watching from the background, cowering in fear.]

Shiite iu nara sore wa kitto ["If anything, that is probably"]

[Seta being dragged from his bed by The Great Naru of the Macrocosm.]

Ai to iu na no chuuseishin! ["A kind of loyalty called love!"]

[Kaolla and Mutsumi in (Land)Lord Keitarazzo's throne room, saluting him.]

 

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[Words appear on the screen in blood]

 

PRESENTING...

 

KAOLLA

 

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[We see Kaolla's and Mutsumi's legs walking down a long hallway.]

 

KAOLLA: Wow, it's a good thing we ran into the Yeti out there in that barren wasteland, Mutsumi-chan!

 

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["KAOLLA" is wiped away with more blood, a new name replacing it.]

 

MUTSUMI

 

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KAOLLA: And we made a lot of money selling his fur, and filled our stomachs with his meat!

MUTSUMI: What a nice guy!

 

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["MUTSUMI" is wiped away with more blood, a new name replacing it.]

 

KEITARAZZO

 

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KAOLLA: Oh, Mr. Yeti tasted so good! I wish I could have Yeti every night!

MUTSUMI: He _was_ yummy, wasn't he?

 

-+*+-

 

["KEITARAZZO" is wiped away with more blood, new words replacing it.]

 

THE USUAL GANG OF BAKAS

 

[The words melt away.]

 

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Kaolla and Mutsumi emerged from the mile-long hall leading into (Land)Lord Keitarazzo's "throne room" (actually the Landlord's Office).

"HAIL KEITAR--" they began, before noticing how hella-dark the room was.

"Hei! Waato gibuzu?!" said Kaolla, speaking in English for some reason. "Where's Keitarazzo-sama? He's not where he usually is! Itsu sou daaku! Yami! Ankoku! Kurai!"

Suddenly, an evil, glowing specter with Keitarazzo's face appeared right where Keitarazzo's "throne" (cushion) was!

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHH!" screamed Kaolla, leaping into the air with fright, turning into stone!

At that moment, the lights came back on, revealing that the evil, glowing specter was actually just Keitarazzo holding a flashlight under his head. He noticed that the lights had come back on, and turned off his flashlight.

"Huh, how about that?" mused Keitarazzo, putting down the flashlight and looking around, his eyes stopping on Kaolla and Mutsumi. "I guess that you _did_ pay the electric bill!"

"Hai, we did, Keitarazzo-sama!" said Mutsumi. "We sold a Yeti's fur, and made enough money to pay the electric company off! (^_^)"

"You're quite playful today, Keitarazzo-sama!" exclaimed Kaolla, who was still a stone statue. "My heart felt a bit of a _squeeze_, too!"

The velvet purple rope appeared next to Keitarazzo. "Was that supposed to be funny? I couldn't tell! I _hate_ jokes like that!" He pulled the rope, opening up the trap door.

"WWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAHHH...!" cried Kaolla as she plummeted towards the onsen below. Mutsumi pulled out an umbrella and opened it up, protecting her from the big splash of water just in time. A minute later, Kaolla emerged from the hole.

"Are you okay?" asked Mutsumi, looking down at a soaked Kaolla.

"Hai, Mutsumi-chan," answered Kaolla. "I see that you're well prepared for such a happenstance!"

Keitarazzo sighed. "Well, our last plan ended in failure as well, all thanks to you, Kaolla!" He pulled the rope again, sending Kaolla falling into the hot spring again. "And why did it fail? Tell me, Mutsumi-san!"

"Well...It appears that there's someone out there who's trying to stop us!" was Mutsumi's reply.

"Like who?" Keitarazzo asked.

"Umm..." as Mutsumi paused, trying to recall their names, the flash of red lights and the blare of loud klaxons filled the air.

"Oh-no! Intruders!" panicked Keitarazzo, standing up and looking for a hiding place. "We've never had intruders in HINATA before! Who could _possibly_ want to infiltrate _this_ place?!"

 

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Deep within the bowels of HINATA, Negi Watanabe and Masakuni Iwatani emerged from a sewer grating, and looked around.

"Eeew! It smells like ass down here!" complained Iwatani, "Shiraiyoshi's ass, that is!"

"I heard that!" "said" Kimimaru Shiraiyoshi, emerging from the duct, along with Mitsune "Kitsune" Matsuya.

"So, what was our mission again?" asked Iwatani.

"Well, there's apparently some sort of hidden secret base down here!" said Kitsune. "I guess that we're supposed to find it! (^_^)"

"A hidden secret base in a dump like this?!" laughed Iwatani, "We'll be done with this assignment quicker than you can say, 'Joel Robinson'!"

The quartet headed off into the murky, forgotten depths of HINATA...

 

-+*+-

 

"OFF LIMITS! DO NOT ENTER!" read a sign on an old wooden door that Kaolla and Mutsumi were standing in front of.

"'Oooofff...liiimmiiits...doooo...noooot...uhhhhhhh...errrmm...' ...Oh, who cares?! It's probably not important, anyway!" said Kaolla, ripping the sign away. "Let's go in!"

Kaolla opened the door, and ran in, with Mutsumi walking into the room at a dignified pace. As the duo walked deeper into the room, they noticed that the wall were decorated with various medieval weaponry and implements of torture.

"WOW!" exclaimed Kaolla, "This must be a dungeon in which helpless victims are subjected to various methods of physical torture, just like Lord Itamiou subjects female victims to various methods of sexual torture in his dungeon in 'Yu-Gi-Oh-Ji'! I managed to escape from that dungeon with the loss of only my clothes, yet you were lucky enough to be won by a greasy Frenchman in a game of Duel Monsters before you even got to the dungeon, while only losing your skimpy bikini, Mutsumi-chan!"

"And I got to have hot, wet, self-serving sex with Keitarazzo--I mean--Keitaro! (^_^)" added a smiling Mutsumi.

When the got to the farthest end of the room, they found a spiffy, high-tech computer panel!

"Ooh! Lookit this piece of advanced computer technology! Pretty!" marveled Kaolla, her and Mutsumi walking up to the big-ass computer thingy.

"Switch on! (^_^)" Kaolla flicked the switch, booting up the "Winata MT" system. After taking fifteen minutes to boot up, the security program automatically loaded, displaying a graphic representation of HINATA's deepest basement. Four "X"s that represented people were seen moving through the hallway.

"AH-HA! We have intruders!" declared Kaolla, "We must stop them before they discover HINATA's secrets, and possibly secret plans! We need to stop them with a trap of sorts!"

"Uhh...Senior...?" said Mutsumi, looking at a wall full of various red buttons, with a sign reading "TRAPS!" above them.

Kaolla noticed the wall of red buttons, all of which had labels that had been worn away! "Uh-oh! Which button sets off which trap?! I guess that we'll just have to select a button by means of random guess generation!"

"In other words...just pick one, and see what happens?" asked Mutsumi.

"That's right!" nodded Kaolla, already having made her selection. She leapt into the air, and violently stabbed a random button with her finger. "GO DIRECTLY TO DEATH! DO NOT PASS GO! DO NOT COLLECT $200!"

 

-+*+-

 

Down in the HINATA basement, a giant metal door appeared out of nowhere, blocking the path for the four intruders!

"Hey! What gives?!" exclaimed Negi. "Where the Hell did that metal door come from?!"

Shiraiyoshi walked up to it, and attempted to open it. When that failed, he tried using superhuman strength to bend a hole between the bars. "It's no use! I can't get it open!" he "said."

"I guess that going this way is out of the question!" sighed Iwatani, swinging around a huge-ass high-tech firearm. "That's quite all right with me! If we run into any trouble down here, this little baby will take care of them!"

"YAAAAHHH!" screamed Negi, "BE CAREFUL WITH THAT THING!"

"DON'T WAVE IT AROUND LIKE THAT!" "warned" Shiraiyoshi.

"Relax, guys! It's the Mark II!" assured Iwatani.

"Somehow, I still don't feel assured...!" "muttered" Shiraiyoshi.

 

-+*+-

 

Back up in the room with the high-tech computer consule, Kaolla was pleased at how the "trap" had forced the intruders into heading in the opposite direction!

"ALL RIGHT! They're trying to run away!" Kaolla cheered, "Mutsumi-chan, _you_ push a button this time!"

"Okay! (^_^)" Mutsumi smiled as she pressed a random button.

Suddenly, without any warning, a bunch of spears fell from the ceiling, falling all around Kaolla!

"YYAAAAAAHH!" Careful, Mutsumi-chan!" a shivering Kaolla said.

"Gomen. Let me try another one...!" Mutsumi pushed another button...

(*SPLUT!*)

A banana cream pie struck Kaolla right in the face!

"MMMMPH...! *munch* *munch* Ooooh, bananas! Yummy...!"

 

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All the way over at City Hall, Granny Hina was sitting in her office, deep in thought. "<Dammit, why is it that all us senior citizens have to stay behind, while the younger generations get to go on all sort of fun adventures?>" She looked over at an extra version of the spandex jumpsuit that her servants had been assigned to wear on their journey into the bowels of the Earth. "<I'll bet that I can _still_ kick keyster! I'm going along with them!>"

 

-+*+-

 

A short time later, a 27-year-old woman with short brown hair and an unlit cigarette in her mouth knocked on the door to Hina's office.

"Uh, Hina-san, I've got some papers here that need your--gyuuuugh...!" The woman's face went pale as she got an eyeful of an 80+ woman half-naked, changing into a spandex jumpsuit. She dropped her cigarette, and threw up all over her apron with the kanji for "hinata" on it.

 

-+*+-

 

Back in the sewer, Negi-tachi were wandering down a different path in the depths of HINATA, even though they were unaware that they were infiltrating a place called HINATA.

"That Granny Hina!" chuckled Iwatani, still brandishing the huge-ass high-tech firearm, "Always giving us these ridiculous orders! She must be getting senile in her old age!"

Just then, Kitsune stopped. "Hey, do you boys hear somethin'?"

The three boys stopped. "Iie, we did not, Kitsune. Why do you ask?" said Negi, getting a little worried.

Kitsune listened to the wall. "I could _swear_ that I heard the sound of rushin' water! And do y'all feel the pressure droppin'?"

Negi closed his eyes, as did Iwatani and Shiraiyoshi. "Hmmm...Now that you mention it..."

Suddenly, a humongous rush of water struck the quartet, washing them deeper into the sewer!

"YYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH... ... ...!"

 

-+*+-

 

Back in the Mysterious Computer Room, Kaolla and Mutsumi realized that they had just activated a "flush-out" trap in their random button-pushing, which washed all intruders out of the basement.

"WHEEEEEEEE! TAKE _THAT_, YOU INTRUDERS! KAOLLA ONE, INTRUDERS ZIPPO! (^_^)"

However, Mutsumi found out that there was no time for celebration. "Uh...Senior, this doesn't look right...!"

"Nani?" Kaolla looked at a monitor that Mutsumi was pointing at, which depicted a room full of little red triangles that represented something unidentified. "HEY! _More_ intruders? Gosh-darn it!" She looked at the wall of buttons again. "Lesseeeeee...Which one should we--?"

Suddenly, the ceiling exploded in a downpour of water, washing Kaolla and Mutsumi through the floor, and into a gushing abyss of spinning water.

"What is this? I didn't know that there was a huge potty underneath the apartments! (^_^)" Kaolla laughed as she spun around and around playfully.

"I feel like diarrhea..." groaned Mutsumi, feeling nauseous.

 

-+*+-

 

A calm Keitarazzo climbed out from underneath the kotatsu. "*pant* *pant* I think things have calmed down for now...!"

 

-+*+-

 

Elsewhere in the HINATA basement, Shiraiyoshi woke up, noticing that the huge rush of water had subsided, and that he was all alone.

"Hey, where'd everybody go?" Shiraiyoshi looked around, not finding another soul within visual distance, "We must've gotten separated when that huge-ass tidal wave caused us to wipe out!"

Shiraiyoshi stood up, and tried to find his way back to the others...

 

"CHUPI! (^_^)"

 

From out of nowhere, the adorable yellow Liddo #665 "ambushed" Shiraiyoshi! The stout blonde man was unable to resist its most deadly power--cuteness!

"Kawaii!" Shiraiyoshi couldn't help but clap his hands together and "coo" happily.

"Chupi chupi chupi chupi chupi chupi..." The Liddo trotted à la Hamtaro further into the sewer, where it met up with an even _more_ terrifying (and by "terrifying," I mean "saccharine and sugary-sweet") Liddo, Liddo #666! This new Liddo was the most charming ever, with fur pinker than an average episode of "Revolutionary Girl Utena," huge kitty ears, blue eyes as big as a Jigglypuff's, and a pretty little dolly dress! You could just _eat it up!_

"CHUPIIIIIII! PII PII PII PIIIIIIIIIII! CHU CHU CHUUUUUPIIIIII! (o^_^o)"

"SUPER-KAWAII!" Shiraiyoshi sprinted straight for the super-Liddo, only to find himself sprinting straight into the mouth of Liddo #666's true form--An ugly, drooling slime monster with a gaping mouth and lotsa sick tentacles...

 

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"HOLY SHIT! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHHH... ...!"

 

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Elsewhere in what they assumed was the sewer, Iwatani was just waking up, noticing that Kitsune was lying unconscious just a few feet away from him!

"Ooh hoo hoo! Kitsune's out cold!" cackled Iwatani lecherously, "It's time for a little 'mouth-to-mouth resuscitation'! (^_^)"

But just as Iwatani was leaning towards the defenseless Kitsune's face with puckered lips, the buxom blonde awoke, and smiled at Iwatani. "Oooh! Iwatani's a naughty little boy! (^_^)"

(*POW!*)

Iwatani was punched back several feet, a puppy-dog-like look of rejection forming on his face. "*sob* <My dream...My summer is over...and some other metaphorical crap from those romantic Animes...>"

"There's no time for that! We've got to find the others! They must've been washed away by that wave, too!" Kitsune started to trek down the sewer, with Iwatani following along still in a mopey mood.

 

-+*+-

 

"Uggh...where am I...?"

Negi slowly opened up his eyes, finding out that he was still in the "sewer." There was someone lying unconscious beside him, but it wasn't Iwatani, Shiraiyoshi, or Kitsune. It was...

"AAAAHH! OTOHIME-SAN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!" Negi cradled Mutsumi in his arms, taking in the sweet aroma of flowers, and the grand sight of her bosom. "This has _got_ to be a dream! I am dreaming! I am dreaming!" Negi's eyes wandered down to Mutsumi's pretty pink lips. "Well, if this is indeed a dream, I might as well make the best of it...!"

Lowering his puckered lips towards Mutsumi's lips, Negi stole a sweet, tender kiss from... ...Liddo #708?!

"EEEEEEWW! BLIMEY!"

The Liddo made a sick, ugly face. "GODDAMMIT! THAT'S GROSS! AAAAAAAARRRRGH!"

There was a spectacular display of special effects, and afterwards, a strange card appeared on the ground. Negi picked it up, noticing that it had a picture of #708, plus a bunch of astrological mumbo-jumbo, along with the inscription "L I D D O."

"OH, BLOODY HELL! As Negi stared at the card, an ugly, drooling slime monster with a gaping mouth and lotsa sick tentacles "assaulted" him...

 

-+*+-

 

Far away, in the mountainous landscape, at the Kentarez residence...

"Honey! I'm home!" shouted Kentarez, upon returning from his journey to H.

"Kentarez-sweetie! You've returned!" exclaimed Kentarez's sexy wife, running up to her husband and hugging him tightly.

"Honey, I've brought home a friend of mine for dinner!" Kentarez gestured towards the doorway, where a woman dressed in shamanic clothing was standing. "She said she's a channeler, a person that can serve as host bodies for the ghosts of the deceased!"

The channeler stepped into the house, with a smug smile on her face. She began to speak in a familiar voice...

"Hey, honey! I'm home! It's your love-bug...Pedroyasu Seta!"

"NAAAAAAAANIIIIII?! SHOCK!" cried Kentarez's sexy wife.

 

-+*+-

 

HEPPOKO

JIKKEN

FYUUJON

K A O R A

*

S A A G A

 

 

(KENTAREZ'S SEXY WIFE: THIS DOESN'T MAKE AN OUNCELOAD OF SENSE! SHOCK! SHOCK! A THOUSAND TIMES, _SHOOOOOOOOCK!_)

 

-+*+-

 

"Shock shock shock shock shock shock shock shock shock shock...!" Kentarez's sexy wife entered a semi-catatonic state as Seta-Channeler smiled.

"'Shock'? Oh, come on, dear! It's me, Seta! Your husband! I've possessed the body of a channeler, as so I could come and see you!" said Seta-Channeler.

Kentarez's sexy wife was very skeptical. "You're not Seta! That jerk's pushing up daisies! Besides, my heart belongs to Kentarez now!"

Seta-Channeler was shocked. "DOUBLE SHOCK! TWIN WATERFALLS ARE POURING FROM MY EYES!"

Kentarez smiled at his unhappy wife. "Honey...do it."

His sexy wife nodded. "Hai! AKURYOU TAISAN! PUNCH OF DIVINE REFORMATION!"

"NO!" cried Seta-Channeler, "NOT THE PUNCH OF DIVINE REFORMATION!"

(*POW!*)

As Seta-Channeler was propelled into LEO, he lamented greatly on his failure. "I've lost my physical body...I've lost the love of my sexy wife! God, could I be feeling any _more_ forsaken? From the bottom of my heart...from the top of my lungs...to the Heavens above...towards the Earth below...with all of my might...I shout! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

 

-+*+-

 

Back beneath HINATA, Kaolla was wandering around after being separated from Mutsumi by the weird-ass water-suction. "I've gotten separated from Mutsumi-chan, and I have no idea where I am! Who decided to connect HINATA's basement to the sewer, anyway?"

Sensing something moving behind her, Kaolla turned around, finding herself facing an entire army of kawaii Liddo!

"Oh, it's just a buncha cute Liddos!" said Kaolla, continuing on her way, "They probably won't affect the plot of this fanfic too much, but they sure are creepy!"

Kaolla walked for a couple more minutes, with the Liddo army following close behind her. "Why are they still following me?" She started to run, with the Liddos running, as well. "Oh, these kawaii Liddos are _still following me! Engaging super-acceleration mode!" She started to run even faster, but the Liddos _still_ ran just as fast after her. "Oh, poop! Engaging _ludicrous speed!_" Kaolla _really_ kicked it into high gear, but alas, the Liddo ran just as fast! It seemed that she just couldn't shake them...until she ran straight off a ledge.

"Hey, where's the ground?" quipped Kaolla, just before plummeting deeper into the depths of what she once thought was HINATA's basement.

"WHY AREN'T YOU LAUGHING?" shouted Kaolla, falling quickly, "SOMETHING FUNNY IS HAPPENING TO A WEIRD ETHNIC PERSON...!"

 

-+*+-

 

"Hey, Mitsune!" said Iwatani, as he and Kitsune continued to journey through the dark sewer.

"Kitsune! (^_^)" corrected Kitsune.

Iwatani smiled. "Whatever. You know, in cheesy horror movies like this, couples like us usually get attacked and devoured alive by hideous, rubbery monsters!"

(*POW!* *POW!* *KA-POW!*)

Kitsune playfully clobbered Iwatani several times, leaving him playfully beaten on the ground. "Oh, you're not my type of man! We'd make a _crappy_ couple! (^_^)"

Iwatani laid on the ground, in a daze, when suddenly he found himself covered from head to toe with horrible LIDDOS!

"OH, MY GOD! AAAAAAAHH! AAAAAHH! THEY'RE SO RAVENOUS! AND THEY'RE SO KAWAII, TOO! ITAAAAIII! LEGGO OF THAT! YAAAAAAAAAHHH!" screamed Iwatani, the Liddo crawling all over him, biting him in various locations, "AWWWW, SO FREAKIN' KAWAII! I WANNA EAT THEM UP, BUT THEY'RE EATING _ME_ UP! YYAAAAAAAAGGHH! OHMIGOD! OHMIGOD! OHMIGOD! SOCUTE! SOCUTE! SOCUTE! GETEMOFF! GETEMOFF! GETEMOFF! HELP HELP HELP HEEEELLLP!"

(*WHAMMO!*)

Kitsune clobbered Liddo #890 with a mace she had found floating in the water, along with various other various medieval weaponry and implements of torture.

"I coulda been da' contenda'...!" groaned the Liddo, making an ugly face, then exploding in a flurry of stuffing. The other Liddo were frightened by the human woman's sly, squinty expression, so they fled.

"*pant* *pant* Doumo arigatou gozaimasu, Mitsune Matsuya!" thanked Iwatani, rising to his feet.

(*POW!*)

"That's 'Kitsune'! (^_^)" said Kitsune.

 

-+*+-

 

"FREEEEEEEEE FAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLIIIIIIIIINNNGGG! WHOOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... ...!" gleefully squealed Kaolla sliding down a long chute. Upon reaching the bottom, she finished up with a soumersault and a cartwheel, landing gracefully on her feet! Let's look at the scores: 10.0, 10.0, 10.0, 10.0, and...0.0?

"Baka Chinese judge!" cursed Kaolla, before hearing the weak voice of a familiar woman...

"Kao...lla...-sem...pai...?"

"Who said that?!" Kaolla zipped her head around, until she saw...

"*gasp* MUTSUMI-CHAN!"

...stuck in a giant blob of white stuff, which was being emitted by a giant bug-thing!

"What happened to you, Mutsumi-chan?! Elephant mucus? Twinkie filling? Horny Otaku?" exclaimed Kaolla, "Whatever that goopy stuff is, I'll get you out of it! KAOLLA KANNON!"

Kaolla whipped out a bazooka, and fired at the bug-thing. No effect!

"KAOLLA KRASHER!"

The gaijin whipped out a huge-ass ray gun, and blasted the bug-thing with a thick laser! _Still_ no effect!

"KAOLLA KOLOSSAL KABOOM KICK!"

Kaolla attacked the bug-thing physically with her foot. _STILL_ no effect!

"Hmm, that didn't work, either! I--" Kaolla stood up, sensing the presence of more Liddos. She looked behind her, which confirmed it.

"Chupi...chupi...chupi chupi chupi..."

"Uh-ohhhhh...!"

 

-+*+-

 

Negi partially awoke. "Ahwahwah...Otohime-san's knockers...aahh...NANI?" The British boy awoke fully and realized his sticky predicament when he heard the "sound" of a man's "voice"...

"Wake up, Negi-san..."

Negi looked to his right, finding an older man also stuck to the wall by white stuff. He was very handsome, with long, blonde, wavy hair flowing down to his shoulders. His facial structure was tall and masculine. His eyes were a piercing brown, peeking out above his John Lennon glasses. His body was very tall and rugged.

"Who are you?" asked a confused Negi.

"I am Shiraiyoshi," "answered" the bishounen, in a very noble-sounding voice.

"NANI?!" cried the quite-skeptical Negi, "You _cannot_ be Shiraiyoshi! Shiraiyoshi was ugly, short, and talked like a boorish Japanese teenager! You are bloody handsome and charming!"

"But I _am_ Shiraiyoshi, my good chap!" "insisted" Shiraiyoshi.

Negi struggled against his slimy bonds for a couple of seconds. "If you are _indeed_ Shiraiyoshi, then what happened?"

Shiraiyoshi looked over at a group of Liddos, and blushed. "...I was...'overpowered'...by their cuteness..."

"Cuteness...? 'Overpowered'? Ewwwwww! (\_/)" Negi looked over at the Liddos, but instead saw a gigantic pink insect creature with a bulging, throbbing thorax! Perched on top of the insect creature, infused with it, was Liddo #666--The Liddo Queen! As Negi watched, the Liddo Insect Queen's throbbing thorax spat out a kawaii yellow creature--Liddo #1,100! The newborn Liddo was all covered in gross green slime, his red eyes clenched shut. About a minute later, Liddo #1,100 let out a high-pitched screech, and barfed up a load of chunky green slime, which was mixed with several other nauseating colors. #1,100 rose to his feet, and opened his eyes. With a "Chupi!", it waddled over to where several other Liddos were holding up a garden hose. The other Liddos hosed all of the slime off its body, fluffed him dry with a blow-dryer, and #1,100 walked away with full dignity.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh... ..." began Negi, both disgusted and weirded out.

Just then, a Liddo walked by Negi and Shiraiyoshi; a really stout, ugly one that resembled the latter.

"Chupi!" "greeted" Shiraiyoshi-Liddo, before walking away.

"... ...kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy... ...!" finished Negi, dying for an explaination. "Okay, what the Devil is going on, here?!"

Shiraiyoshi then explained in an erudite fashion about how the Liddos were an extraterrestrial race of cat-like stuffed animals from a far-away galaxy, and that they were invading Earth in order to furnish it for their exploding population--that is to say, a lot of Liddos had a nasty habit of suddenly making ugly faces and exploding in flurries of stuffing for no clear reason. As Shiraiyoshi spoke, the air around him filled with various kanji, katakana, and hiragana.

"OKAY! OKAY! I GET IT! I GET IT! IT IS FRIGGING COMPLICATED!" shouted Negi, being blinded by the assorted Japanese characters spewing from Shiraiyoshi. "So, how do we get free of this gunk? I do not have any spells that can free us!"

Just then, a laser blast from out of nowhere struck Liddo #1,099, causing it to make an ugly face and explode in a flurry of stuffing. Several more Liddos were blasted, causing them to make ugly faces and explode in flurries of stuffing!

"CHUPIIIII!" A small army of Liddos charged towards the direction of the laser blasts, eight by five. This was a big mistake, for this allowed a teenage boy wielding a Mark II Death Ray Blaster to shoot them all down like Space Invaders, causing them all to make ugly faces and explode in flurries of stuffing. Negi didn't need to be psychic--he was a Magister, after all--he knew who it was...

"IWATANI!"

Out from the darkness of the HINATA basement emerged Iwatani, Death Ray Blaster ablaze. Kitsune was alongside him, clobbering nearby Liddos with a mace.

"THAT'S ME! MASAKUNI IWATANI, PLUSHIE SLAYER! ROARRR! EAT HIGHLY EXPERIMENTAL, POSSIBLY-DANGEROUS, LASER WEAPON TECHNOLOGY, YOU YELLOW PUFFBALLS! HA HA HA!" laughed Iwatani, mowing down Liddo after Liddo after Liddo with his Death Ray Blaster. Each of the defeated Liddos let out moans of pain as their faces contorted into ugly expressions of defeat and anger, only seconds before their fragile bodies succummed to their injuries, self-destructing in white flurries of what could be called "stuffing." The surrounding air became so filled with stuffing, it became very difficult to see, nor breathe without getting a mouthful of Liddo guts. The drifting stuffing also seemed to wreak havoc with Negi's allergies...

"Ah...ahh...ahhh...AHHHHHH...CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...!"

The resulting magical sneeze caused the white gunk restraining Negi and Shiraiyoshi to dissolve, also blowing away all the Liddos, as well as Iwatani and Kitsune's jumpsuits!

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHH!" screamed Iwatani, staring down at his sudden nakedness.

"_Damn_, Iwatani! What a small--eep!" Kitsune looked down at her own naked body, her huge gazungas exposed to the air. Both her and Iwatani hid their personal parts as they looked around at the aftermath of Negi's sneeze. All of the Liddos had been blown against the wall, squishing them and filling the room with even more stuffing. Even the Liddo Insect Queen had been splattered against the wall, wallpapering it with both bug juice and hundreds of writhing Liddo.

"Hey! All of the weird plushie things are dead!" exclaimed Iwatani, "Negi, you killed all of the plushies! You _are_ magical!"

"Iie, there's still one left!" Negi pointed at the last surviving Liddo, which happened to be Shiraiyoshi-Liddo!

Shiraiyoshi and Shiraiyoshi-Liddo confronted each other.

"Chupi! Chupi!" "greeted" Shiraiyoshi-Liddo, "Chupi~~?"

"... ... ..." Shiraiyoshi froze. "I...I cannot do this! I cannot destroy such a pitiful mockery of my former self!"

"Then let _me_ do the honors!" Negi ran up to Shiraiyoshi-Liddo, and beat it into the ground with his staff, eventually pounding it into a snowpile of stuffing.

(*BOOMF!*)

Almost instantly, Shiraiyoshi returned to his normal, stout, ugly teenage self. "Aw, dude! Weak! Bummer, man! Totally weak...!"

"Hey, why didn't you just use one of your spells to crush him?" asked Iwatani, hiding his favorite area.

Negi smiled at Iwatani. "Hey, Latin is hard."

Just as the team was basking in the aftermath, a giant bug-thing came charging towards them from out of nowhere, with a foreigner girl and a Chupiterian girl stuck to its head by more white gunk!

"C'mon! Don't pass out, Mutsumi-chan! Just hang on a little white longer! We'll get out of the basement sooner or later! (^_^)" Kaolla tried to shake a barely-alive Mutsumi in order to keep her conscious, but her hand just kept on getting stuck in the white gunk.

"HOLY CRAP!" exclaimed Negi-tachi, as the giant bug-thing came charging down upon them at a tremendous speed, as if it were a bull attempting to shake loose an inexperienced cowpoke in a rodeo!

 

-+*+-

 

(*beep!*)

Someone pushed another red mystery button...

 

-+*+-

 

Suddenly, another gigantic wave of water washed through the area that the characters were in, washing them all away and clean out of Hinata-sou, via the H sewer systems! All over the city, manholes and fire hydrants exploded, creating a humongous flood in no time flat!

"WATER WATER WATER WATERRRRRRRRRRRR!" shouted Negi-tachi as they were propelled into LEO by the mother of all geysers!

"H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O! H²O~~~~~~~~~~~~! (^_^)" gleefully exclaimed Kaolla, as she and Mutsumi were also rocketed sky-high.

 

-+*+-

 

Back up in the room with the high-tech computer consule, Yami Goku stood before the "TRAPS!" wall.

"Hey, look: I _had_ to do _something_ to wrap this episode up! I _have_ other fics I need to work on, you know! For example: 'Yu-Gi-Oh-Ji!'; 'An Experimental Lemon/Woman's Best Friend'; 'Yusuke's Birthday'; 'The First Duel Masters Lemon'; 'Yugi Meets the Saber Dolls: The Lemon'; and--Uh-ohhhblblbblblblblbblbb...!"

The water became too high, and washed Yami Goku clean out of HINATA.

 

-+*+-

 

Up on the flooded surface, the entire city of H was underwater, while Negi, Shiraiyoshi, and Kitsune had pulled themselves to safety on top of a building. Kitsune was still naked, cradling her legs as she stared at the setting sun.

"Hey, I am sorry about your jumpsuit, Kitsune-san," apologized Negi, averting his eyes.

"S'kay. (^_^)" forgave Kitsune, blushing.

Just then, there was a bubbling in the water!
"Uh-oh! More plushies!" Negi stood up, pointing his staff at the water. "Rastel Mask--"

"HEY! MITSUNE MATSUYA!" Iwatani made a big splash as he emerged from the flood, greeting Kitsune with a big smile.

"Call me 'Kitsune'! (^_^)" Kitsune attempted to blast Iwatani with the Mark II Death Ray Blaster, but all she got were a few lame sputters that indicated a low battery.

(*WHONK!*)

So instead, she threw it at Iwatani, beaning him in the head and making him sink.

"We're a crappy couple, 'cuz he just can't get my nickname right! (^_~)"

Negi chuckled, then sighed as he went back to staring at the "Liddo" contract card.

 

-+*+-

 

Back in the flooded "Throne Room," (Land)Lord Keitarazzo sat on a crude raft fashioned out of his kotatsu, while Kaolla and Mutsumi sat on the back of a big Lapras-shaped pool toy.

"Doumo arigatou, Kaolla...Mutsumi...!" thanked Keitarazzo, "You've gotten rid of the intruders. Now, if you could _please_ get rid of all this _water_...!"

 

-+*+-

 

Directly beneath our "heroes," the stitched-up Liddo #666 drifted through the water, her blue eyes glowing red, awaiting her next strike...

"Chupi-hee-hee-hee-heeeeee... ...!"

 

-+*+-

 

~Episode Seven: The Melody of the Underground Passage~

 

TODAY'S EXPERIMENT... ... ...FAILED

 

[The words are wiped away with blood.]

 

-+*+-

 

[Cue Ending Theme, "Menchi's Bolero of Sorrow~ So You're Going to Eat Me"]

 

[Tama walks up to a microphone in the middle of a spotlight. She adjusts the mike, and starts to sing. As she sings, a woman (let's just say it's Nyamo from the Summer Special) appears in a bubble beside her, and translates Tama's singing. Occasionally during the song, a hand shakes salt down onto Tama.]

 

Starring...

 

Kaolla Suu as Kaolla Kaolla (Parody of Excel Excel)

 

(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)

[NYAMO: "I knew, ever since that day..."]

 

Mutsumi Otohime as Mutsumi (Parody of Hyatt)

 

(TAMA: Myuuhh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuhhh...!)

[NYAMO: "...the reason that you had approached me."]

 

Keitaro Urashima as (Land)Lord Keitarazzo (Parody of Lord Ilpalazzo)

 

(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)

[NYAMO: "Tender and soft..."]

 

Noriyasu Seta as Pedroyasu Seta (Parody of Pedro)

 

Tama-chan as Tama (Parody of Menchi)

 

(TAMA: Myuuhh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuhhh...!)

[NYAMO: "...that my body is to your tastes."]

 

Negi Springfield as Negi Watanabe (Parody of Touru Watanabe)

 

Masayuki Haitani as Masakuni Iwatani (Parody of Norikuni Iwata)

 

Kimiaki Shirai as Kimimaru Shiraiyoshi (Parody of Daimaru Sumiyoshi)

 

Mitsune "Kitsune" Konno as Mitsune "Kitsune" Matsuya (Parody of Misaki Matsuya)

 

(TAMA: Myuuuuhh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuhh...myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuhh...?)

[NYAMO: "To your hunger-stricken eyes, how does my body seem?"]

 

Grandma Hina as Hina Kabapu (Parody of Kabapu)

 

Kentaro Sakata as Kentarez (Parody of Gomez)

 

(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)

[NYAMO: "If you are to eat me, do it in one blow..."]

 

Yami Goku as himself (Parody of Nabeshin)

 

Haruka Urashima as Haruka Momoji (Parody of Momoji)

 

(TAMA: Myuh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuuhhh...)

[NYAMO: "...so that the meat does not get hard."]

 

[As the song ends and the curtain closes, a hand grabs Tama off the stage.]

 

-+*+-

 

A YAMI GOKU FQX PRODUCTION

KAOLLA: Cars! Guns! Fighting! Explosions! Boobs! Men love that kind of stuff for entertainment! _Especially_ the last one! Yami Goku has always _loved_ fanservice and pretty girls in Anime, and what better way for him to express it than to write an episode with nothing _but_ fanservice and pretty Anime girls! In fact, he's thinking about _getting rid_ of all the pesky male characters for just one episode, leaving nothing but fanservice and pretty Anime girls! Our next episode will be called "The 'Increase Hits' Episode"! And as Y.G. likes to say at the beginning of most of his fics, "Enjoy!" (^_^)

 

-+*+-

 

Yami Goku: dark_magician720@att.net