Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Lessons In Maturity ❯ Diaper pt1 ( Chapter 4 )
[ P - Pre-Teen ]
By: Project 0506 
Anime/Manga: Naruto Fan Fiction | Genre(s): / Comedy | Type: Divergence | Uploaded On: 07.29.2006 | Pages: 3 | Words: 2.1K | Visits: 5.8K | Status: Completed
Anime/Manga: Naruto Fan Fiction | Genre(s): / Comedy | Type: Divergence | Uploaded On: 07.29.2006 | Pages: 3 | Words: 2.1K | Visits: 5.8K | Status: Completed
A/n: Hehe, sorry folks. ^_^' Been concentrating on the other fic for a while. Didn't mean to ignore you and all! By special request of Sharingan216, I am now back in the crack business!! (You didn't hear that from me...) Sorry it took so long! Baby Poopy!
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"Something tells me this isn't going to work."
"Have a little faith would you!"
"But..."
"Look, a girl know these things. Let me handle it."
"Um Ino? Ino...Ino...this is a really bad idea..."
"JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE!"
Shikamaru-chan lay in the middle of the table, completely unhappy with the degrading situation. While he screamed, Ino valiantly struggled to replace his diaper. "Ino-chan... I don't think you're supposed to use Sakura-san's dress for..."
"SILENCE! Concentration is needed! The artist is at work. Besides, it's about time somebody did something useful with this hideous thing. Now shush." She bit the end of her tongue while she wrapped the brilliant red cloth around the kicking baby. "Okay, and that should go there... alright, see we're getting somewhere. Chouji, hand me that stapler."
"Ino-chan..."
"Choooouuuji-kun... remember what we said about interfering? WELL!? Do you!?"
"Um, unless my opinion is asked for, it isn't needed."
She smiled and continued in a syrup-y sweet voice. "That's right. Now, what did we say you were supposed do while I change the diaper?"
"Stand in a corner until you need me to do something."
"Good. Now, get me the stapler."
"Whatever. Now I see what Shikamaru means about women... Ino-chan, exactly what do you plan to do with the stapler?"
"Isn't it obvious? He's moving around too much. I have to use staples to hold the cloth on until I can stitch it together." Four rapid clicks later, Shikamaru-chan was stapled firmly to the table by the diaper. "This is going better than I had hoped! Moving on to stitching! Okay Chouji, sewing kit please." Carefully she threaded the needle with red thread. "That way if he gets pricked you can't see the blood."
With slightly disturbing speed Ino stitched the layers of red around the screaming toddler. "Done!" She proudly waved the needle in the air. "Now all we need is a thin knife to pry him up off the table." Said knife was produced and staples removed. Ino held up her 'baby' to admire her handiwork and suddenly noticed a small, tiny, minutely insignificant problem.
"Um, Ino-chan?"
"Do not say I told you so."
"I'm not going to. I was just wondering. Which end is up?"
Both genin sighed in defeat. On the table Shikamaru wriggled around like an inchworm, completely covered from head to toe in Sakura's ex-favorite red dress.
"NOOO! I'm such a failure! Oh, I knew I should have pay attention in family planning class! I'll bet Sakura-forehead-chan could have done this! How will I ever be a good mother to Sasuke-kun's children! Oh I knew it! I'm not even fit to be a ninja! I'll never be the strongest kunoichi in the hidden villages!" She slid down to the floor, sobbing and screaming (which, for those of you who don't know, is not considered the best thing to do around an already hyper baby). "I'm completely USELESS!!"
"Ino-chan? We...we can fix this. Please stop crying. You're scaring Shika-chan... it's not the end of the world you know..."
"And now I'm EVEN UGLIER THAN FOREHEAD GIRL!!!"
"What? How exactly do you figure that?"
"I'm going to grow up to be old, toothless, hideous and of no use what-so-ever and Sasuke-kun won't fall in love with me! Oh I knew it! All my hopes and dreams are shattered!"
"Ino!" Chouji grabbed her shoulders. "You. Are. Not. Ugly."
She sniffed. "You really think so?"
"Well, you're not ugly when you're calm. When you yell then you puff up and look like a rotten tomato. Now we just have to figure out a way to fix this... tell you what. You go fix dinner and I'll fix Shikamaru."
Ino's tears dried up and she launched herself at her teammate. "Really! Oh Chouji you're the best! Well...second best...next to Sasuke-kun, you're the best! I'm going to make you a huge dessert!"
Chouji watched her skip happily away. "What did I get myself into? I don't know how to change a diaper." He turned to the still-wailing baby. "You have any ideas?" Naturally, as babies cannot fully vocalize their thoughts, Shikamaru either did not have any ideas, or did not choose to share them with his team mate. "Perfect. The one time you can't come up with a solution.
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" I think it works very well." After twenty minutes of deliberating, Chouji had cut holes for Shikamaru's head, arms and legs from the bundle. "In fact, I think it's absolutely perfect. Thanks a bunch Chouji! Now, dinner time." Ino reached to place Shikamaru in his high chair.
The dark haired boy smirked and a disgusting odor filled the room. Suddenly the bottom of the dress-turned-diaper sagged, filled with more baby poo than is considered natural. Shikamaru grinned at his parents and folded his arms.
"Oh crap..."
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"Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew. Oh, damn, mine never smells this bad!"
"Which brings to question baka. Why the hell were you smelling yours in the first place?"
Naruto glared. "That's not the point. The point is, it stinks."
"So you weren't trying to present me with useless information, you were trying to point out the incredibly obvious. Next time make it a bit more clear which you are aiming for."
"Shut up teme. Why am I getting all the dirty work? You haven't done anything! We're supposed to be a team! And up until now you've done nothing but..."
"I suppose it means you don't want this then." Sasuke held up a very thick and heavy book. "You looked even more stupid than usual so I figured you'd need help. And the rules don't say anything about getting help from a book. I was going to get 'Parenthood for complete and utter morons' but it was out of print. We'll have to make do with 'It's a baby, not a shuriken, damnit! Everything the single shinobi needs to know about parenting'."
"Good! Find the page about diaper changing!"
"Diapers...t. This had better be good, I paid way too much for it. Ingredients: baby powder, damp cloth/ paper towel/ wet-wipes, safety pins, strips of fabric (disposable diapers can be used, but omit safety pins), plastic bag, fine-tipped detail brush, black metallic ink...what?"
"What the hell do we need ink for?"
"Neither of us have any experience with babies. This woman does. So shut up and get what she says we need." Sasuke read the rest of the page and smirked.
"Hey teme, what's so funny?"
Naruto snatched the book. "Hey! This is ninjutsu! Isn't this stuff forbidden?
"It doesn't say so. It just says not to use if you're of the Hyuuga line...if we don't ask then we won't know whether or not it's forbidden. So lets just do it, and find out later. Unless of course you want to handle a piece of fabric that's filled with Sakura's ..."
"Okay, okay. Let's just do it."
So the enterprising young ninja shut the window and put an anti-spying seal on the walls and floor, pushed all the furniture to the edges of the room, then proceeded to copy the seal from the book. "Oi teme, this was written by Mitarashi Dango... what if she's related to Anko?"
"So? The whole family can't be like that."
Somewhere in Konoha, 38 sneezes shook a rather large bar to the foundations. "What the hell!?!" Mitarashi Arashi looked around suspiciously. "Who's talking about us?"
"Don't know tou-san." The chuunin in Anko's grip managed to slip out in the confusion and made a break for the door. A giant python wrapped wrapped around his legs and crushed them, dragging the poor nin back to the torment.
"Hehehehe, somebody found it!" Dango-baa-san chuckled toothlessly from her rocking chair. "Yes, yes. They found it. Wonderful. Tonight, tonight...or tomorrow. It matters none. Soon dears. Sooooooon!" Arashi shrugged.
"Apparently Kaa-san isn't worried. It's alright everyone! Let's get back to the party!" The chuunin was strung up by his ankles over a pit of poisonous snakes. Every member of the clan took turns swigging sake, gulping dango, and poking the unfortunate chuunin with long poles. Occasionally one of the party-goers would swing a little too hard and a resounding thud, followed by screams of pain were heard. Said swinger would be forced to sit out a turn. They could come back into the game if they aimed a shuriken close enough to slice off hair but not break skin from the far corner of the room. The area around the bar was deserted, so the ninja's cries went unanswered. After all, no one wanted to interfere with the Mitarashi clan's 'Welcome the son-in-law' ritual...
"..." Naruto shook his head violently. "I'ts best not to think about it... OW!" He gripped the back of his head. What was that for?" The Uchiha pointed to their teammate who was now giggling.
"She was about to cry."
Three hundred and eighty seven ancient symbols and one tiger seal later, Sakura sat, completely de-doodied. One discreet plastic bag was the only evidence of diaper duty.
"Great. Why didn't you find this sooner? Now we'll win for sure!" Sasuke's only response was a smirk. He reached to pick up the toddler. As her feet left the floor there was a loud pop sound. The entire room was coated with baby powder. Naruto held his stomach and howled in laughter at the glowering genius. "Oh, that was good! You should have seen your face! Who knew that baking powder instead of baby powder would..." He backed away when Sasuke started approaching him menacingly. "Calm down! It's payback for always ditching me."
"Fix it. Now. And clean up the mess."
"Whatever. But you're doing the changing next time."
"Next time?" Sasuke's eye twitched.
"Yes teme, next time. Babies poo. Alot. We'll be doing this at least twice a day."
"...damn."
"Seriously teme, you should have seen your face."
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"...What are they doing? Isn't that domestic violence?" Asuma lit a cigarette and dodged the flying shards of broken glass from the window.
Kakashi shrugged. "Who knows? Sakura seems to be enjoying it..."
Through the peaceful night rang screams of "No! Teme! Don't throw that!" CRASH. "Ow! Oh Kami-sama! Sasuke! Get ahold of...wait! Don't! Not the sharingan! Come on, we can talk about this, right?"
"Chidori!"
"I am NOT fixing that wall! I mean it! You think you're the only one with cool jutsus? Rasengan!" CRASH. BANG. THUD...silence ..."Sasuke...I think we have a problem. There's baby crap all over the kitchen..."
Note at end of the diaper changing no jutsu: Not always effective. Faeces will need will be transported to some random room in the house. Best if used outside. Not recommended for use by men.
a/n: sorry if its not up to scratch. I'll rework the chapter again later. Just trying to get back into my groove. Don't worry, it'll get better. Bye for now.
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"Something tells me this isn't going to work."
"Have a little faith would you!"
"But..."
"Look, a girl know these things. Let me handle it."
"Um Ino? Ino...Ino...this is a really bad idea..."
"JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE!"
Shikamaru-chan lay in the middle of the table, completely unhappy with the degrading situation. While he screamed, Ino valiantly struggled to replace his diaper. "Ino-chan... I don't think you're supposed to use Sakura-san's dress for..."
"SILENCE! Concentration is needed! The artist is at work. Besides, it's about time somebody did something useful with this hideous thing. Now shush." She bit the end of her tongue while she wrapped the brilliant red cloth around the kicking baby. "Okay, and that should go there... alright, see we're getting somewhere. Chouji, hand me that stapler."
"Ino-chan..."
"Choooouuuji-kun... remember what we said about interfering? WELL!? Do you!?"
"Um, unless my opinion is asked for, it isn't needed."
She smiled and continued in a syrup-y sweet voice. "That's right. Now, what did we say you were supposed do while I change the diaper?"
"Stand in a corner until you need me to do something."
"Good. Now, get me the stapler."
"Whatever. Now I see what Shikamaru means about women... Ino-chan, exactly what do you plan to do with the stapler?"
"Isn't it obvious? He's moving around too much. I have to use staples to hold the cloth on until I can stitch it together." Four rapid clicks later, Shikamaru-chan was stapled firmly to the table by the diaper. "This is going better than I had hoped! Moving on to stitching! Okay Chouji, sewing kit please." Carefully she threaded the needle with red thread. "That way if he gets pricked you can't see the blood."
With slightly disturbing speed Ino stitched the layers of red around the screaming toddler. "Done!" She proudly waved the needle in the air. "Now all we need is a thin knife to pry him up off the table." Said knife was produced and staples removed. Ino held up her 'baby' to admire her handiwork and suddenly noticed a small, tiny, minutely insignificant problem.
"Um, Ino-chan?"
"Do not say I told you so."
"I'm not going to. I was just wondering. Which end is up?"
Both genin sighed in defeat. On the table Shikamaru wriggled around like an inchworm, completely covered from head to toe in Sakura's ex-favorite red dress.
"NOOO! I'm such a failure! Oh, I knew I should have pay attention in family planning class! I'll bet Sakura-forehead-chan could have done this! How will I ever be a good mother to Sasuke-kun's children! Oh I knew it! I'm not even fit to be a ninja! I'll never be the strongest kunoichi in the hidden villages!" She slid down to the floor, sobbing and screaming (which, for those of you who don't know, is not considered the best thing to do around an already hyper baby). "I'm completely USELESS!!"
"Ino-chan? We...we can fix this. Please stop crying. You're scaring Shika-chan... it's not the end of the world you know..."
"And now I'm EVEN UGLIER THAN FOREHEAD GIRL!!!"
"What? How exactly do you figure that?"
"I'm going to grow up to be old, toothless, hideous and of no use what-so-ever and Sasuke-kun won't fall in love with me! Oh I knew it! All my hopes and dreams are shattered!"
"Ino!" Chouji grabbed her shoulders. "You. Are. Not. Ugly."
She sniffed. "You really think so?"
"Well, you're not ugly when you're calm. When you yell then you puff up and look like a rotten tomato. Now we just have to figure out a way to fix this... tell you what. You go fix dinner and I'll fix Shikamaru."
Ino's tears dried up and she launched herself at her teammate. "Really! Oh Chouji you're the best! Well...second best...next to Sasuke-kun, you're the best! I'm going to make you a huge dessert!"
Chouji watched her skip happily away. "What did I get myself into? I don't know how to change a diaper." He turned to the still-wailing baby. "You have any ideas?" Naturally, as babies cannot fully vocalize their thoughts, Shikamaru either did not have any ideas, or did not choose to share them with his team mate. "Perfect. The one time you can't come up with a solution.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
" I think it works very well." After twenty minutes of deliberating, Chouji had cut holes for Shikamaru's head, arms and legs from the bundle. "In fact, I think it's absolutely perfect. Thanks a bunch Chouji! Now, dinner time." Ino reached to place Shikamaru in his high chair.
The dark haired boy smirked and a disgusting odor filled the room. Suddenly the bottom of the dress-turned-diaper sagged, filled with more baby poo than is considered natural. Shikamaru grinned at his parents and folded his arms.
"Oh crap..."
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"Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew. Oh, damn, mine never smells this bad!"
"Which brings to question baka. Why the hell were you smelling yours in the first place?"
Naruto glared. "That's not the point. The point is, it stinks."
"So you weren't trying to present me with useless information, you were trying to point out the incredibly obvious. Next time make it a bit more clear which you are aiming for."
"Shut up teme. Why am I getting all the dirty work? You haven't done anything! We're supposed to be a team! And up until now you've done nothing but..."
"I suppose it means you don't want this then." Sasuke held up a very thick and heavy book. "You looked even more stupid than usual so I figured you'd need help. And the rules don't say anything about getting help from a book. I was going to get 'Parenthood for complete and utter morons' but it was out of print. We'll have to make do with 'It's a baby, not a shuriken, damnit! Everything the single shinobi needs to know about parenting'."
"Good! Find the page about diaper changing!"
"Diapers...t. This had better be good, I paid way too much for it. Ingredients: baby powder, damp cloth/ paper towel/ wet-wipes, safety pins, strips of fabric (disposable diapers can be used, but omit safety pins), plastic bag, fine-tipped detail brush, black metallic ink...what?"
"What the hell do we need ink for?"
"Neither of us have any experience with babies. This woman does. So shut up and get what she says we need." Sasuke read the rest of the page and smirked.
"Hey teme, what's so funny?"
Naruto snatched the book. "Hey! This is ninjutsu! Isn't this stuff forbidden?
"It doesn't say so. It just says not to use if you're of the Hyuuga line...if we don't ask then we won't know whether or not it's forbidden. So lets just do it, and find out later. Unless of course you want to handle a piece of fabric that's filled with Sakura's ..."
"Okay, okay. Let's just do it."
So the enterprising young ninja shut the window and put an anti-spying seal on the walls and floor, pushed all the furniture to the edges of the room, then proceeded to copy the seal from the book. "Oi teme, this was written by Mitarashi Dango... what if she's related to Anko?"
"So? The whole family can't be like that."
Somewhere in Konoha, 38 sneezes shook a rather large bar to the foundations. "What the hell!?!" Mitarashi Arashi looked around suspiciously. "Who's talking about us?"
"Don't know tou-san." The chuunin in Anko's grip managed to slip out in the confusion and made a break for the door. A giant python wrapped wrapped around his legs and crushed them, dragging the poor nin back to the torment.
"Hehehehe, somebody found it!" Dango-baa-san chuckled toothlessly from her rocking chair. "Yes, yes. They found it. Wonderful. Tonight, tonight...or tomorrow. It matters none. Soon dears. Sooooooon!" Arashi shrugged.
"Apparently Kaa-san isn't worried. It's alright everyone! Let's get back to the party!" The chuunin was strung up by his ankles over a pit of poisonous snakes. Every member of the clan took turns swigging sake, gulping dango, and poking the unfortunate chuunin with long poles. Occasionally one of the party-goers would swing a little too hard and a resounding thud, followed by screams of pain were heard. Said swinger would be forced to sit out a turn. They could come back into the game if they aimed a shuriken close enough to slice off hair but not break skin from the far corner of the room. The area around the bar was deserted, so the ninja's cries went unanswered. After all, no one wanted to interfere with the Mitarashi clan's 'Welcome the son-in-law' ritual...
"..." Naruto shook his head violently. "I'ts best not to think about it... OW!" He gripped the back of his head. What was that for?" The Uchiha pointed to their teammate who was now giggling.
"She was about to cry."
Three hundred and eighty seven ancient symbols and one tiger seal later, Sakura sat, completely de-doodied. One discreet plastic bag was the only evidence of diaper duty.
"Great. Why didn't you find this sooner? Now we'll win for sure!" Sasuke's only response was a smirk. He reached to pick up the toddler. As her feet left the floor there was a loud pop sound. The entire room was coated with baby powder. Naruto held his stomach and howled in laughter at the glowering genius. "Oh, that was good! You should have seen your face! Who knew that baking powder instead of baby powder would..." He backed away when Sasuke started approaching him menacingly. "Calm down! It's payback for always ditching me."
"Fix it. Now. And clean up the mess."
"Whatever. But you're doing the changing next time."
"Next time?" Sasuke's eye twitched.
"Yes teme, next time. Babies poo. Alot. We'll be doing this at least twice a day."
"...damn."
"Seriously teme, you should have seen your face."
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"...What are they doing? Isn't that domestic violence?" Asuma lit a cigarette and dodged the flying shards of broken glass from the window.
Kakashi shrugged. "Who knows? Sakura seems to be enjoying it..."
Through the peaceful night rang screams of "No! Teme! Don't throw that!" CRASH. "Ow! Oh Kami-sama! Sasuke! Get ahold of...wait! Don't! Not the sharingan! Come on, we can talk about this, right?"
"Chidori!"
"I am NOT fixing that wall! I mean it! You think you're the only one with cool jutsus? Rasengan!" CRASH. BANG. THUD...silence ..."Sasuke...I think we have a problem. There's baby crap all over the kitchen..."
Note at end of the diaper changing no jutsu: Not always effective. Faeces will need will be transported to some random room in the house. Best if used outside. Not recommended for use by men.
a/n: sorry if its not up to scratch. I'll rework the chapter again later. Just trying to get back into my groove. Don't worry, it'll get better. Bye for now.