Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Side Effects: heiwa no Jutsu ❯ Shinobi Strip Kareoke Poker ( Chapter 1 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Like, OMG, dude, disclaimer! Naruto's not mine. Be glad, I'd SO be fucking around.
This is a disrupter tineline story. I started writing it chanting `need porn need porn' with the goal of tossing out a one shot (maybe twenty pages. Tops. Don't laugh I mean that.) and as it was a one shot no real timeline needed to be established, you see? See? It makes sense, people do it all the time. Single serving of hot man sex and presto, you can go back to waiting for Outclassed and `It's Nothing' and the other `Side Effects' (Chibi Risu's m-preg epic, she's told me that she also ment it to be far shorter. Heheh, my disease is catching!) {Btw, I named my story Side Effects before I heard of hers', even thought her was around first, so I amended my title. I'd shorten it to just Heiwa but then I'd loose my brand recognition. See? See That was meant to be a two sentence disclaimer and I CAN”T STOP TALKING.}
AnnnnnnyWay… Naruto is not Mine. I make no money from this at all. Seriously. None. Soooooo. Don't sue me.
Please, if you review, leave an email so I can fire off a thanks? Please?
And if you see a bunch of buggy little typo errors, don't just say `dude, errors' if you can edit them and send me the file I'll eventually repost the chapter.
(and on the disrupted timeline note the kids are fourteen, almost fifteen. And Mizuki was executed the way you would normally kill a traitor, but that's a pet peeve on my part,. Ignore me now!)
Pairing's and Ratings- one way or another, I meant most of what I checked in the categories box. Not all of it's detailed but some of it is and it's all implied or stated.
And as for pairings? Not telling side parings. Be surprised or whatever. Main pairing kakIru/IruKaka. Now go reeead!
"Side Effects"
by MoMo4
[edited by paxnirvana] (PaxNirvana rocks and needs to email me so that I might bug her.)
id:2001724 on
(in progress as of March 2005)
CHAPTER ONE: Strip Karaoke Poker
Kurenai was probably going to regret volunteering her house as the site of the sixth annual sensei party. Of course, she'd always have the TAPE of the party to cheer her up. Though if the tapes were worth the hangover she would have to wait and find out.
But, as of right now, she was far too gone to think of the consequences. The concept of pot-luck had been lost on the other ninjas, and as a result, there was precious little food, and FAR too much booze. The party had been going fairly well, until a semi inebriated teacher had taken a wrong turn into her closet and discovered an ancient dusty old karaoke machine.
A picture does not need to be painted of what happened next. The party went from good to bizarrely insane in the length of time it took for Iruka to cue up `I Will Survive'. He didn't sound that bad either, though it was easy to forgive the vaguely off-key tone when your blood alcohol level was keeping you from sitting upright. Besides, he looked kinda cute when he blushed that shade of red but wasn't stutteringly embarrassed. He looked even cuter when the flower pot on top of her fridge fell over and soaked him, causing him to both semi-fall over AND lose his shirt. Not to mention his shoe. Three cups later and he was singing again. Four cups and he started telling them all dirty jokes. Not off color jokes, but dirty, dirty, filthily revolting but at the same time gut-bustingly funny jokes. Jokes that you would NOT think a teacher of small children would know. THEN he started in on the stories.
"No- no, it wasn't-" Kurenai was crying she was laughing so hard, leaning on the edge of the couch to look up at him.
"No! It was! The kid had swiped his mother's vibrator and was using it to tickle all the girls!!" Iruka was perched on the back of the couch in a classic shinobi pose, except he had a cup in one hand and a half-full bottle in the other.
"What did you do with it?"
"It's in a box in my closet with every other weird thing I've confiscated or can't think of how to return - Slingshots, vibrators, about a million condoms - straaaaange things - Daah!" He slipped suddenly and fell off the couch with a thud, though the drink remained upright and nothing spilled. "Oooo! Yay! I didn't spill!"
Asuma leaned over and took the bottle he'd been filling his cup from. "I think you've had enough of that then - heh -" He upended it, finishing it off.
Iruka looked at his empty cup sorrowfully. Then he hiccupped. "Mmm - fiiiine. I'll get some air." He stood up, swaying slightly and went out the back door. "S'great party Kure-chaaaan," he added just as the door shut.
"Oh we need to get him pickled more often," one of the random side character teachers we don't care about said.
Iruka hiccupped again when he got outside, looking around and stretching. His skin felt warm, nearly hot, never mind the fact that the last few nights had left frost on the ground. He leaned against the bitingly cold railing without hesitation. He exhaled heavily and was rewarded with a large sake-scented cloud of steam. That made him laugh lightly. How fun!
"Ya know, you're missing a reaaaally good party in there," he said, turning to his left and smiling broadly.
"I can hear it from here," Kakashi said, managing to look comfortable leaning back against the railing as he read. "So could half the neighborhood until I shut the door."
"Meh." Iruka didn't seem to mind. "You should go sing before the thing breaks." He leaned against the railing next to the other man and tried to blow a few mist rings. He looked rather like a goldfish but it worked.
"Meh." Kakashi responded. "I don't sing. At least, not when I'm this sober."
"Then you should get drunk quickly. They took my bottle or I'd share." Iruka frowned. "I should get it back later." There was silence as a response. Iruka frowned and poked Kakashi in the shoulder. "You. Go. Get drunk. Be happy. React, dammit!" He poked him again, focusing on Kakashi's side, two ribs below where his arm connected. Kakashi tolerated it for a moment, attention still on his book, then side-stepped away from the prodding. Iruka nearly fell onto his face when his finger missed, and he half staggered. "Ah." He grabbed the railing, and then laughed again. "You're gonna make me fall!" His speech was slurred, but only very slightly.
Kakashi looked up from the book long enough to give him an even stare. "How much have you had tonight?"
"Ummmm..." Iruka slumped against Kakashi suddenly, leaning forward over the railing. "Dunno. Fifty? Sixty of those little cups? Kurenai has SMALL cups."
Kakashi blinked.
"S'good stuff too. The first few were, I think." Iruka leaned his head back and smiled. "You should try some - loosen you up."
Kakashi went back to reading his book.
That bored Iruka. If he were a little less drunk he would have left for other amusement. If he'd been a little MORE drunk he would have passed out. As it was, he was at the exact level required to hop onto the railing behind Kakashi and lean over him, scanning the opened page.
"Hmm..." Iruka tilted his head and leaned over enough until if Kakashi had walked even half a step forward Iruka would have landed flat on his face. Not that Kakashi COULD walk forward, with Iruka's one arm around his shoulder and the other around his waist. "I can do that."
"That thing with the Popsicle. I can do that. I can do that other thing on the next page too." Iruka pointed.
Kakashi flipped the page. "That?"
"Well, to be fair I think it's easier for guys. Wanna see?" Iruka grinned, craning his neck and looking Kakashi square in the eye. "I'd like to show you." Somehow he'd found the zipper on Kakashi's vest and was fumbling around with it, trying to get it down.
Kakashi had a fairly blank look on his face, then turned his head after a moment. He might have been trying to gauge how serious Iruka was, or about to say something, but he didn't get around to it. He never got around to it because of the kiss. Iruka seemed to have forgotten about the facemask and simply planted his lips in the approximate right position. The hand on the zipper gave up and cupped his jaw.
"I wanna leave the party now." Iruka's head bobbed and Kakashi has a sudden image of vomit ending up on his feet. That wasn't the reason for the head bob though. He realized quickly he was just being nuzzled, if in a slightly awkward manner. "And I want to leave with YOU."
Kakashi remained quiet a moment longer, calmly putting the book away the best he could and somehow able to keep Iruka's non-caressing hand from getting any lower on his hip. Unfortunately, without hurting the younger man, he could only defend so much and he was suddenly on the receiving end of a sharp pinch. And Iruka had strong fingers.
Iruka was ridiculously pleased that he'd gotten a reaction, even if it was only a kind of half hop. He laughed and bit at Kakashi's ear. Well, he sucked on the earlobe, close enough. That got another reaction.
Kakashi glanced at the door and was glad it was shut. From the conversation inside, a game of karaoke strip poker seemed to have started up. Good. This would be an awkward position to be caught in. He bent his knees and semi-squatted, and Iruka nearly fell over him. He didn't only because Kakashi stood back up and slung him over one shoulder.
"Dah!" Iruka was slightly startled, but didn't seem to mind. He wrapped his arms around as much of Kakashi's torso as he could, and started babbling something. What he was saying was hard to make out, as his voice was muffled by the fact Kakashi was doing the `stealth' thing and pushing his face into the cloth.
He stopped muffling him when they got to the rooftops. "Hey, shush."
"Where are we gooooing?" Iruka drawled the cheerfully slurred words out, tilting his head to look. "My house is thatta way." He pointed, then paused. "No, wait, that's wrong. Other way."
"You can sober up on my couch," Kakashi said, shifting his passenger before said passenger could make a more successful play for his fly. "I think you'll pass out and choke on your own vomit if I leave you alone."
"I'm fine. I don't wanna sleep on your couch. I wanna do you," Iruka said with a slight whine, tightening his up-side-down hug.
"If you just wanted to get laid you could have grabbed Gai." Kakashi kicked a window gently open with his toes and slunk inside. "I'm fairly certain he's got a crush on you anyway."
"Ewwwwwwwwwww!" Iruka nearly staggered into the counter when he was flipped down onto his feet. "Keep talking like that I might heave - heh." He hopped/spun so he was sitting on the counter. "C'mere?"
Kakashi eyed him warily and crossed his arms.
"I wanna be at eye level," Iruka said, pushing back all the straggling hair that had come loose from his headband. He exhaled slowly, smiling. Kakashi did something that turned some of the lights on and he blinked owlishly, looking around. The place was tiny, but clean and organized. The counter he was sitting on divided the kitchen from a small living room. There was a door he presumed opened to a bedroom beyond.
Kakashi watched him and weighed the various consequences of the items on his `Things to do with a drunk and horny Iruka' mental list. The first and obvious one was probably not going to happen, since, as much fun as it would be to just nail him, it couldn't possibly outweigh the potentially dire consequences later. On the other hand, taking him home was bad as well, because he really didn't want to wake up tomorrow to hear he'd asphyxiated on bile. So the couch it was.
Iruka reached out and grabbed his sleeve, tugging on it. Kakashi turned to make sure he wasn't about to topple off the counter again and Iruka managed to hook a finger into the neck of his vest, pulling him in. He could have fought back, enough to stay safe, but the mental images that had accompanied his first solution were still there distracting him. After a few moments of letting Iruka tug him into position he was facing the man on the counter, standing between his legs.
Iruka, apparently too plastered to tell that Kakashi had only let himself be moved, looked him over. It was a warm, lustful and slightly dazed look that came into sharper focus bit by bit. Iruka kissed him through the mask again. He didn't seem to care that it was there. Then he shifted up to brush his lips over the exposed eyelid. He tried to tackle the zipper on Kakashi's vest again, but his hands were intercepted.
"No." Kakashi shook his head. "You should sleep now."
"Don't wanna." Iruka let his lips shift farther back, getting every uncovered bit of flesh he could manage to find. Kakashi kept a grip on his wrists though, not letting his hands wander.
"Come on, let's get you to the couch." Kakashi tried to simply slide him off the counter by pulling his arms. That didn't quite work according to plan as somehow Iruka managed to loop his legs around the taller man's waist. Kakashi had to let go of one of his arms to steady him, and the now free arm snaked through the armhole of the vest.
"Hmm. Warm." Iruka managed to grab a handful of the shirt underneath and pull it up and kept pulling until his fingers found more skin.
"I remembered to kept my shirt on. Of course I'm warm," Kakashi muttered, slightly strained for reasons that had nothing to do with the actual weight of his guest. Iruka went back to sucking on his earlobe while Kakashi deposited him on the couch. Or rather, he tried to deposit him on the couch but Iruka just clung tighter to him. "You need to let go."
"Stay with me."
"I can't sleep on the couch. It's too short. My feet hang off the end."
"Then why do you have it?" Iruka looked confused then shrugged it off. "Is your bed too short?"
"No, that fits." Kakashi started to pry the other man off him bit by bit.
"I want to stay with you," Iruka protested. "If you put me down I'm just gonna follow you to your room anyway."
"I find it's easier to sleep without being molested."
"You haven't complained yet," Iruka said semi sulkily.
"I've decided not to tell you what I think of this until you're sober enough to remember it," Kakashi said seriously.
Iruka slid his arm out of the vest, but kept a grip on the edge. He looked suddenly stubborn. "I like you. That's what I think." He craned his head up to kiss him again, then kept talking, his lips brushing the cloth. "I liked you yesterday and I'll like you tomorrow too. I mean that. Now please lemme sleep on the bed. Just stay with me. I'm gonna follow you anyways `less you tie me up."
Kakashi sighed. " Okay. Let go of me so I can stand." Iruka did so, standing up himself, shifting his weight back and forth slightly. He hadn't noticed he was missing a sandal yet, so his swaying was a little more to the left. Kakashi automatically reached out and steadied him. "Alright, come on this way. Careful, the bedroom floor is higher than -" At this point, he had to stop and catch Iruka to keep him from braining himself on the end of the bed, having discovered the whole split-level thing the hard way.
He didn't bother trying to stand him back up so much as kinda heave him along, so Iruka was soon sitting on the end of the bed, one hand to his head. Kakashi mentally located the wastebasket in the corner and toed it closer to the edge of the bed before sitting down and taking his vest off. That was more challenging than you might think, but only because Iruka barely waited until the zipper was halfway down before leaning against him and sliding a hand inside. Kakashi was suddenly glad that he'd bothered to learn how to use his chakra as a libido suppressor. It was coming in handier than he'd thought possible. Though the rebound effect was probably going to be painful.
Kakashi grinned suddenly, having just had a fairly pleasant, if evil, thought. Sure, the rebound was all the bottled frustration hammering you all at once, but if he waited until Iruka was sober again, it'd serve him right to get pinned to a wall. He leaned his head to one side and watched. Iruka seemed to be temporarily sated with running his hands across the back of the shirt. It felt nice, though he was sure that it was increasing the amount of whiplash he was going to experience later. He unstrapped the shuriken holster from his leg and dumped it with his shoes. Then Kakashi sighed and tossed the forehead protector on the pile as well. The thing left dents in his head if he slept with it on. Iruka shifted at that, nearly knocking him over to kiss his forehead and newly exposed temple.
Kakashi reached behind himself, grabbed the cover to the bed and pulled it down. Iruka didn't notice this until he was being moved, semi pushed down under the covers. Kakashi paused and grabbed Iruka's sandal, yanking it off and wondering briefly about the whereabouts of the other one. Ah well. Didn't matter.
Iruka stretched out spread-eagled. It wasn't an abnormally huge bed by most standards, but stretched out on it, Iruka could tell it was longer by a foot or so. It felt odd to stretch all the way out and not touch the end.
Kakashi looked at him a moment and suddenly felt tired. He realized he'd left the kitchen light on and opted to stretch out a foot and shut the bedroom door rather than bother with getting up. He suddenly felt hands on him again, pulling his shirt out and sliding under it. He let them pull him backwards, managed to drag the covers with him, and shift until he was on his side. Iruka slid up against him, burying his face in his neck, arms and legs tangling around his. With a sigh of resignation, Kakashi shifted more chakra to the duty of keeping his blood in the larger of his heads.
"Go to sleep Iruka," he said, shifting until they were both comfortable.
"Do I have to?"
"I could knock you out and put you on the couch," he pointed out. "You're going to have a nasty wake-up tomorrow as it is."
"Only if you leave." Iruka tightened his grip, and Kakashi laughed slightly.
"I might not be here when you wake up, but I'll see you before the sun sets."
Iruka thought about that. Kakashi turned a little, pulled his mask down and bit the shoulder in front of him softly. There was a slight pause and a low, delicate moan that made Kakashi shiver, even in his current neutral state. Kakashi smiled slightly before kissing the bitten spot, then nipping it again. Marking him now would make it harder for him to pretend nothing had happened, or so he reasoned. Plus there was that small chance Iruka would freak out altogether and never give him an opportunity like this again.
Iruka moaned, gripping Kakashi's shoulders. After a moment Kakashi cupped the side of his face and tilted it to give him a proper kiss. That just kind of muffled the various array of noises Iruka was making, deep whimpers coming from his chest. Kakashi smiled, purring and sliding his tongue along the parted lips. Mostly, it tasted like sake, but under all that nearly overpowering booze there was a much more pleasant undertone. If he went a little deeper, slid his tongue across teeth, then there was more of the softer flavor. He settled his hand against Iruka's neck and pushed against the nerve centers. Despite his current state Iruka would've seen it coming except Kakashi made sure to bite his lower lip and slide a leg up between his. There were sudden vivid stars and his eyes rolled up.
Kakashi sighed, rolled back onto his back, letting the other man slump onto him. The snap-back was going to be brutal indeed. He idly stroked Iruka's shoulder, and was rewarded with a sleepy nuzzle. The effects of the neck pinch might have worn off almost instantly, but it had been enough. He was soundly asleep now. That left Kakashi with a lightly snoring warm body in his arms. Iruka probably didn't even snore normally, was just hammered now. Not a bad way to spend the night. He set his internal clock for seven and fell asleep instantly.
At seven when he woke Iruka was still out cold. It didn't surprise Kakashi in the least; he'd actually been counting on it. He propped a few pillows and wadded up blankets around him to keep him on his side just in case. He was likely past the danger stage, but did it just to be safe. He grinned down at his 'guest'. The mark on his shoulder looked nice. It was small enough to not be mistaken for a bruise, and the teeth marks were definitely NOT from an animal. Truly a skillful hickey. Kakashi got dressed and put Iruka's sandal on the kitchen chair. Then he went back to Kurenai's house -- fought the urge to photograph the various semi-dressed, carelessly sprawled sensei whom had passed out near the end of strip karaoke -- and gathered the rest of Iruka's clothes. The shoe was a bigger challenge; he found it by luck on the way to Iruka's house to pick up shower things. Why it was three miles away up a tree in the possession of a very ugly squirrel, he did not know, but once he'd regained the footwear from the vermin he left.
He set the all the things he'd retrieved from Iruka's house on the table, along with a jug of juice, then glanced at the clock. Nine.
Huh. Nine. Kakashi paused, thinking. Oh. Yeah. He'd planned on meeting his team at eight. They'd gotten yesterday off so he'd been planning on just running them today but maybe he could think of something better. Huh. What to tell them today? He'd actually planned on being on time today. Ah well! `I was going to come but my lover demanded a back rub'? Naah! `I had trouble finding a sandal'? Hmm. Yeah. That would work.
Iruka work up with a pain in his head so intense that he curled into a ball under the covers and just whimpered. Then he realized he had to piss. So, naturally, now that he had learned that he needed to piss, he tried to get up. The light coming in from the window made him flinch and cower in such a way that he realized he had to puke too. He lurched out of bed towards the toilet closet and slammed into a wall. Hard. Face first. Nearly broke his nose.
"AH! Why is a wall there!?" He tripped over the blanket tangled around his ankles and nearly crushed the wastebasket. But luckily, he didn't, and the entire contents of his stomach were heaved up deeply and repeatedly into it until there wasn't anything left inside him and his ribs ached as if he'd been kicked by a horse. He wiped his mouth with the back of a hand, looked at the slightly dented wall, winced, then staggered around the bed and tried the half-open door, trashcan under one arm.
After dealing with his original problem -- the urgent need to urinate -- he washed his face, rinsed his mouth, splashed more water on his face and ran it through his hair, then stood up and looked around. And suddenly realized he had NO IDEA WHERE THE HELL HE WAS. That was not usually good. He thought back to the last time he'd woken up in a strange place clueless as to how he'd gotten there -- the tattoo removal had been REALLY pricey. And he'd nearly broken a leg gathering all the photographic evidence.
It took another minute of brain-wracking agony to realize he was shirtless, so he proceeded to stumble back into the bedroom to look for his shirt. It wasn't there; neither were his shoes. Least, he was pretty sure they weren't there; his head still throbbed horribly.
The now rinsed out wastebasket was still under his arm. Iruka wrinkled his nose at it. It was clean enough but would smell if he didn't air it out. He opened the window and hooked it on the edge of the still, hoping it would stay there, and then slammed the shutters against the brightness. He wasn't sure whose house he was in yet, but he wondered how they'd react if he just stayed here for the next week. Preferably with his head wrapped in a towel.
With the shutters closed it was almost dark enough that his eyes didn't' feel like they were going to explode. He looked around warily. There were photos. He blinked at the frames, set back in a corner of the sill, and realized they'd just been put there. The dust was disturbed around them. He picked one up and looked at it. It was a small group shot, of a team he didn't recognize at first, with a younger looking Fourth behind and the mountainside presiding above. He blinked, and his head gave a sudden nasty pang as he realized he DEFINITELY knew at least one other person in the picture. There was simply no-one else who could look as utterly bored as that.
Iruka looked around him, seeing things slightly differently. So this was Kakashi's apartment. He set the frame down, looking closer. It was a fairly plain room. Reasonably neat. It was also far, far away from where the party had been.
I hope I didn't follow him home like a drunken stalker, he thought dismally, walking out of the bedroom slowly, trying to remember which way his house was from here so pick a path where he might not get noticed. Or, rather, if I did, I hope he didn't find me sniffing his clothes or - ah hell! Then he saw the neat little pile consisting of fresh clothes, suspiciously familiar shower things on the table, his shoes on the floor beneath. So much for a clean getaway.