Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ Second Coming ❯ Entropy ( Chapter 24 )

Chapter Twenty-Four: Entropy

 

After the battle was over, I was summoned to, of all things, a general conference between Ikari and Fuyutsuki and the command staff.

I had no clue why I was worthy of such a meeting. I definitely hadn't done anything noteworthy in the last battle or two, so unless they were finally coming down on me for knowing stuff, I was stumped. Maybe Kaworu's words to and about me had given them something to think about.

Ikari started it off. "Major, the combat report on the Seventeenth, please."

Misato stood and read from a clipboard. "The Seventeenth Angel, Tabris, was encountered within Central Dogma. It appropriated Unit 03 and descended towards Terminal Dogma, in an apparent attempt to start Third Impact. Units 01 and 02 were dispatched after the Angel and succeeded in terminating it, though damage was sustained to all three Eva units as well as superstructure of NERV headquarters itself."

Gendo nodded. "Doctor."

Akagi rose from her seat. "The whereabouts of the Sixteenth Angel were confirmed via the backup video recorders stored in the entry plug of Unit 01. Just prior to the Seventeenth Angel's destruction, it was observed to glow and exhibit properties of particle wave matter, as well as briefly taking on the appearance of an amalgam of all the Angels encountered thus far. Therefore, the speculation that the Seventeenth Angel absorbed somehow the Sixteenth is assumed to be correct."

I saw a brief flutter in the lighting of the room and realized a device of some sorts had just refocused its lens on Misato. It would turn out to be a holographic scanner, and the meeting, presumably, was being recorded for delivery to SEELE at a later time. I found this part especially interesting, considering that surely Gendo knew it was SEELE themselves who had sent Kaworu to us.

Misato carried on, once directed to do so by Ikari. "Units 01 and 02 sustained superficial damage in the fight. Repairs will take at most twenty-one hours for both, using maintenance crews on standard shifts. Unit 03 suffered significant head damage and will require the evaluation of the Operations bureau for repair estimates." Misato shot a glance toward Ritsuko at that point, then went on. "Structural damage to the Geofront is negligible on the whole; repairs to seven blast doors are required and can be deferred as necessary."

"I concur," Ikari interjected. "Proceed with the repairs to Units 01 and 02 at once."

"Sir, may I ask a question?" Misato said, not stopping to obtain permission. "I was under the impression that there were seventeen Angels. In other words, we should be finished. Is that not the case?"

Ikari stared at her for a moment.

"Am I mistaken, Commander?" Misato asked. "Is there something I should know about?"

Ikari again glared at Major Katsuragi, then turned towards Ritsuko again. "Next order of business, Doctor."

"Yes, sir," Dr. Akagi went on, ignoring Misato's scowl and my look of disbelief. If I'd known what was to come next, though, I would have saved my reaction for then. "Even in Unit Zero, except for a few brief moments which seemed to correspond to the AT Fields we detected during the battle, the Fourth Child registered the lowest synchronization rate on record for her to date. Due to concerns for her safety and effectiveness in battle, I recommend she return to inactive status and that we consider not allocating any resources towards repair of Unit 03 at this time."

My jaw would have put a dent in the table. So this is why you're here. It was a cruel way to tell me I'd been sidelined. I wanted to scream and get up and run away, but my composure remained intact for some reason.

"And the First Child?" Gendo asked, casually letting my fate drift off as a footnote in the meeting minutes.

"There's no explanation," Ritsuko said, shaking her head. "She was found in her cell a little over an hour ago."

"There is an explanation," Gendo snapped. "You just haven't found it yet. Figure it out, Doctor."

"Yes, sir," Akagi glowered at him.

"You're all dismissed."

Everyone stood and dispersed, except for Gendo and Fuyutsuki, who were probably going to sit and scheme or something. I hurried over to Ritsuko as she collected her papers.

"Dr. Akagi--" I began.

"There's nothing to say, Pilot," she cut me off. "Report back on Saturday for re-evaluation."

 

I arrived home late in the evening, after visiting the hospital to get my hand put in a cast after I punched a wall.

Okay, that's a lie. It's what I wanted to do, plus the rational side of my mind filling in what the outcome would be. I was enraged, completely off-the-hook angry, and I had nothing to vent my frustrations on. I couldn't bitch at Kaworu any more - and thinking of that particular release only made me feel worse, as I figured I'd treated him worse than he deserved.

Instead, I got home and slammed my door shut, then threw myself on the bed and screamed into my pillow.

"FUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!"

I punched it a couple of times for good measure, stopping when I heard a voice out on the balcony. "Wanna try that again? I think Hikari might not have heard you, and she's already on the road, if the timing's right."

I stood up and wiped the tears from my eyes, then ventured onto my half of the balcony, seeing Asuka leaning over the rail towards me. I stood there pitifully, hands at my sides, staring back at her.

"What's the matter?" she asked.

"They grounded me," I snapped. "And said they're not going to bother fixing my Eva since it's apparent I can't use it."

"Bastards," Asuka muttered. "Well, look on the bright side - at least you get some time off."

"I don't want time off," I countered. How could I tell her that this was the most important moment in all of our lives so far? How could I tell her that it was supposed to be her in my position, and that I'd worked out a plan to save her from exactly what I was going through at that moment?

"I don't.. I don't know what I.. I don't know what to do," I said, frowning and looking at my feet.

"We should go do something," Asuka said brightly. "We need to go hunt for your spirits and pick them back up."

"I don't want to go do someth--" I began, but then realized I was falling into exactly the same trap Asuka would have been in. I was one mental breakdown away from being heavily sedated and put in a hospital bed.

"Come on. All the times you helped me? I owe you one, Fourth. Jill. Let's go see a movie or something."

"O-okay," I agreed, forcing a smile, and again wiping away tears. "Give me ten minutes to get cleaned up."

 

There was a movie theater not far from home, and despite the fact that it was a Friday night, the place looked pretty sparsely populated.

"Another sign of people clearing out," Asuka noted with a frown as we stood in line at the box office, still having to queue up behind a few people nevertheless.

"Yup," I agreed soberly.

"Don't they have any faith in us?" said my friend rhetorically.

"You take things way too personally," I pointed out to her. "Chances are 99% of these folks have no idea who you are. They just see the potential for something serious happening, and take action. I'm surprised people stuck around as long as they did. I don't know about you, but if a giant monster started tromping through, I sure would have booked the first plane outta Dodge, myself."

"These Japanese folk are hardy, Fourth," Asuka joked. "What with Gojira and all that." She seemed like she was going to say more, but cut herself short, staring down the street.

"Third Child!" she finally said, surprised. Halfway down the block, back the way we'd come, Shinji Ikari's head snapped up at the sound of Asuka's voice. He continued walking our way and stopped, greeting us.

"What are you up to?" I asked in response.

"Do you want to come with us?" Asuka blurted out, sounding more like a nervous schoolgirl than her usual gruff, abrasive demeanor portrayed her.

"Oh, I, um.." Shinji stammered, looking back and forth between the two of us. "Actually.."

"I can bow out if you two'd rather be alone," I said, half-teasingly.

"Fourth, shut up!" Asuka snapped. "Come on, Ikari. Put your brain in neutral and watch a movie with us."

"I'm going to see if I can see Ayanami," he finally got out.

Asuka scoffed. "Isn't she in jail? Why would you want to bother, anyway? Even Misato couldn't get permission to see her. What makes you think you can?"

"I have to try," Shinji said. His eyes locked with Asuka's for a long moment.

"Fine. What do I care? Suit yourself," she snapped, turning around to proceed forward, as the line had progressed ahead. "Have fun."

"Asuka.." Shinji said, in an almost pleading tone.

"Go! Don't worry about us. In fact, say 'hi' to her for me." The last bit had a hint of the trademark Asuka sneer to its tone, and I frowned.

"See you later on, Shinji," I said. "If you do get to see her, say 'hi' for me too please."

He nodded and turned, dashing off up the street. Asuka stood in stony silence.

"Asuka," I prompted.

"What?" she said, pretending nothing was bothering her.

"Don't be angry with him. We're--"

"Don't tell me how to be," Asuka cut me off, glaring at me.

I sighed. "Fine," I said. "Are we going to go in or not?"

Asuka turned and stepped towards the booth, her turn being next. "Two, please!"

 

The movie was okay - don't ask me to recall what it was; so many things have happened since then that it's impossible to remember such an unremarkable point. Besides, I wasn't concentrating much on it, anyway.

Between being upset at Asuka for her behavior outside the theater, and all the other demons that were rampaging through my mind, I was just about running at full capacity. If I'd had to deal with another issue, I felt like my scalp would pop off and steam would race out of the top of my head like a train whistle.

Why do you let yourself get like this? I asked myself, as Asuka and I walked home, the former chattering randomly as if the events earlier hadn't happened. The answer came to me just as quickly as the question had.

Because you're human.

I regarded my friend beside me, wrapped up in her breakdown and critique of the film, and realized her coping mechanism when things didn't go her way was to push it aside and pretend it didn't happen, much as my method involved over-analyzing everything.

We are all with faults. It's what makes us unique.

I was musing on how it felt like I had some of the answers that the others, supposedly, would get in Third Impact and/or Instrumentality, when Asuka's voice brought me back to the then and now.

"Hellooo? Fourth? Jill? Where are you goiiinnng?"

"Wha?" I said, snapping my head up. I stopped walking, realizing that Asuka was ten steps behind me now, having stopped at the entrance to our apartment complex - and I'd just kept on going, on autopilot.

"Sorry," I apologized, doubling back and joining her for the trip to the elevator. "Kinda got lost in thought there."

"What about?" she asked as we waited for the lift to arrive.

"Eh, lots of things," I said, shrugging. "This and that."

Asuka huffed out a frustrated sigh. "You might as well come out and say it, you know."

"Say what?" I said, turning to face her.

"That I shouldn't have been so hard on Shinji," she said, looking away. If it hadn't been so dark, I would have been able to see her cheeks redden as she turned.

"I'm not your conscience," I shrugged. "I don't think I'm cut out for little angel or devil outfits, anyway. But it sounds like you think you should have been easier on him."

Asuka sighed again and rested her head on the elevator door frame. "Why'd he have to go see her, anyway? It's not like he'd come see me if I was in trouble."

"I don't know that I'd say that," I told her. I omitted the part about what I suspected he'd do over her comatose form, of course. "Even though he doesn't show it, he cares a lot for all of us."

I left Asuka behind for the second time, but this time consciously; the elevator doors parted, and I got on, her staring after me in surprise. "He does, does he?" she retorted finally, getting on just before the doors closed. "How do you know that?"

"The simple fact that he went to see Ayanami - or at least try - is pretty strong proof, in my opinion," I said. "You have to understand that since he was able to interact with others, his world has been empty of love and caring. No mother, no siblings, no father to speak of. The sad truth of it is, he doesn't know how to show affection."

Asuka was quiet for the rest of the ride up to our floor. When the doors slid open, she admitted softly, "I guess you've got a point there."

"I do," I nodded. "Did you ever grow seeds in science class in school?"

"What does that have to do with--" she began, then cut herself off. "Yeah," she replied.

"Did it grow on its own, or did you have to care for it, and water it, and keep it turned toward the light, and all that?"

"Yeah, yeah, I getcha," she said after a moment. She softened up as she approached the door marked Katsuragi. "I can try, but.. I'm not sure I can do it."

"If you'll forgive me, that's what you two have in common," I said, feeling as deep and philosophical as I had earlier with my own internal conversation. "It's unfamiliar ground with you, too, because of how you grew up. Not that there's anything wrong with how you did, it's just that you threw yourself back at life and living and didn't leave any time for anything else." I stopped talking, since I felt like I was overstepping my bounds already.

"You know," Asuka said, as she fiddled with the door lock, "if we ever stop being Eva pilots, you should try to make your living as a psychologist, you know that?"

I smiled and allowed a faint giggle. "Sorry," I said. "It's in my natu--"

"No, I didn't mean that in a bad way," Asuka cut me off. "Anyway, thanks for the advice. I'm goin' to bed."

"Yeah, I think that's a good idea too," I said, yawning and stretching. "Thanks for picking up my spirits tonight."

"No problem, Jill. Talk to you later," Asuka said, before sliding the door shut behind herself.

I went into my apartment, silently wondering what the next day would bring, if anything. The path was a wide open road now, a sixteen-lane freeway with exits in all directions. There was no real telling what might happen, unless black ops soldiers charged into town at six AM.

I set my alarm for 5:45, just in case.

 

Of course, my fears were unfounded, at least for that particular morning, and that particular scenario. However, there was still plenty of opportunity for disaster, as I was scheduled to meet with Dr. Akagi for, as she put it, 're-evaluation'.

My career turned back to square one, as it turned out; I was directed to a simulation plug when I was changed and ready to go. Settling into the seat, I tried to push away my sullenness and focus only on doing a good job. If I was right, the final battle could happen any time, and I didn't want to spend my last moments huddled in a ball in the bowels of NERV.

Of course, without San, any synchronization, harmonics, or other tests done in the sim plug would be of reduced value and probably not indicative of anything that could solve the problem. At least, as far as I figured, that was the case; whatever was causing the disconnect between me and the Eva was in it, and had been caused by the violent reaction several sorties before.

As expected, I did manage a synchronization rate in the sim plug - but far below a respectable level. "Jillian," Ritsuko called out chillilly through the comm link, "thirty-eight percent is far from acceptable."

"I know," I frowned. "I'm not doing this on purpose, you know. I don't know what's happening!"

"Is it high enough to allow her to try in the Eva again?" Maya asked. I didn't hear the answer, but Maya's subsequent "..Oh." was more than telling.

"Pilot, focus on your right leg," Dr. Akagi said.

"Roger," I answered. I actually shut my eyes and concentrated as hard as I could, without breaking the sync lock. I almost felt like I was grinding my teeth together, I was so focused on doing well.

"Hmm."

"Am I there?" I asked in a quiet voice, trying not to 'come back' from the level of concentration.

"It's a little better, but there's just something missing," Dr. Akagi responded. "Try the left leg now."

 

Like I said earlier, it was like going back to 'Eva school' all over again. The sync ratio eventually skyrocketed to 42%, but went no further, even after I tried to take all my lessons and combine them into one common action.

After I got changed back into street clothes, I ventured towards Ritsuko's office, with a purpose in mind. If I couldn't do anything useful in my Eva, I wanted to at least make some headway in some other ways while at headquarters.

"Sorry about that," I said to the doctor, after being allowed inside.

"You're just going to have to try harder," she said. "We'll go over this data and try again Monday afternoon."

"Understood," I nodded. Pausing for a second, I then said, "There was something else I wanted to ask."

"What is it?" Ritsuko said, distantly listening while sipping at her coffee and going over the test data.

"If it's all right, I'd like to visit Rei.."

She stopped drinking and glanced at me. After a pause, she reached over and picked up the phone, dialing a couple of numbers. I only heard her end of the conversation, of course.

"It's me. The Fourth wants to see the First. ... It could; anything's possible, you know. ... Right. I'll tell her."

Ritsuko hung up the phone and sighed, then turned to me. "Room 303 in the medical wing. You have 20 minutes."

"Thank you," I said, bowing at her as I retreated backwards towards the door.

"Of course," she nodded, turning back to her work.

 

Ritsuko, or whoever she had spoken to on the phone (likely Gendo, I figured), obviously had called ahead; the armed guard on Rei's room's door waved me on past him as I approached.

Inside, Rei sat up in bed, looking out the window, though her attention turned towards me as I opened the door. "Hello," I called out softly. "Can I come in?"

"Yes," Rei's muted reply came back to me.

I stepped inside and removed my shoes, partly out of reflex, and went into the hospital room. Why she was being held in a medical wing was beyond me, but I didn't profess to know the least of how things were going at the time.

"How are you?" I asked.

"I am fine," she said. She was sitting up, knees drawn in close and hands clasped together over her shins. She wore a set of white hospital shirt and trousers, as she and the rest of us had done many times before. Without the guard, or prior knowledge of the situation, I wouldn't have known she was incarcerated.

"What happened?" I queried, getting the main question out of the way. "Why are you in here?"

"I disobeyed Commander Ikari's order," Rei said to me, looking back out the window. "I suppose he intends to keep me here until I comply."

"What order did he give you?"

"To provide a tissue sample." She looked back to me and went on: "I presume you're confused by that."

I didn't want to lie to her; we'd been through that territory before. "No," I said. "He wanted to restore the Dummy System. Am I right?"

Rei's eyes widened. "How did you know about--"

"I know a lot of things I shouldn't," I told her. "I know we made some kind of contact last night, while you were 'missing'."

She blinked at me. "You were in Eva Zero," she realized.

"I was," I nodded. I was going to say more, but didn't know how to put it, so I left it at that.

"He was.. an Angel," Rei said.

"That's true," I nodded, coming to sit on the edge of the adjacent, unoccupied bed.

She brought her eyes to meet mine again. "Then you know there is only one more Angel left."

I took a moment to register the look in her eyes. It was a mix of determination, resignation, and all-out fear. "That's probably true as well," I said in a whisper.

"I don't know what to do, Jillian," Rei said, in the closest thing to a tone of despair I had or would ever hear from her.

"I don't know, either, Rei," I confided to her. "What I do know is, I like you as a friend, and so do other people, and I don't know about other people, but I don't like it when my friends have to go away. But on the other hand, you have to do what you have to do."

She evidently understood that convoluted logic path, even if it took a couple of tries to make it all the way through. "I now know what it is to have friends, too.. and it scares me to be without them."

I tried not to let tears fall as I smiled. "That's because you're human, Rei," I told her. "It's a natural reaction."

"Thank you for being my friend, Jillian," Rei said, her voice cracking with emotion.

I leaned over and collected her up in an embrace, which she returned after realizing what I was doing. "Of course, Rei. Always."

At that moment, of course, the only thought running through my mind was that of my entire experience so far, this was Jack's little piece of heaven. I couldn't help but let out a brief giggle, which threw Rei off guard.

"Sorry," I said, releasing her and leaning back upright. "Just seems like kind of late in the game to be doing this."

"I understand," she said. "I think I finally do." Looking at me again, she said, "Do you think I should submit to the order, then?"

"I don't know," I confessed. "Do you think it'll matter one way or the other, in the end?"

"Perhaps not," she agreed, turning to look out the window yet again. "You may be right. There may be very little time left."

"Y-yeah," I said, letting a little of my fear show through, apparently, as I fidgeted.

Rei spoke again as she continued to look out the window. "You know exactly what is wrong," she said.

"I what?" I replied.

"With Sangouki," she clarified, looking to me again. "You know why she is rejecting you."

"I do not," I stammered. "If I did, it'd be corrected."

"Perhaps you don't think you do," Rei said, "but you do; you just refuse to accept it."

 

That comment stuck with me, even after we said our farewells and good-lucks. I ran over the ideas in my head, and except for the outlandishly ludicrous ones, there wasn't anything I could cite as being something that would cause San to reject me - or that I could do something about to correct it.

The goodbyes took over as prevalent in my mind after not very long. Both of us seemed to know it was possibly the last time we'd meet, though neither of us could come out and say why we believed that. For me, I guess it was a fear that acknowledging Rei's part to play in Third Impact out loud might cause it to happen spontaneously, so to speak. For her, well, I couldn't begin to imagine how she was feeling.

If she complied with Gendo's order and submitted to his tests and sampling, either she wasn't released, or didn't make herself known to the rest of us in that time. Sunday morning came, and as promised during the school week, I found myself dressing in jeans, a T-shirt, a hat, and some battered old running shoes (who would have known that I could 'batter' a pair of them in such a short time as I'd been in Japan?), to go for a walk around the lake with Shinji and Asuka.

We started out in an anti-clockwise circuit, with me trying not to think of the incongruity between what I was experiencing and what I'd expected. At this time, the lake should have been ten times bigger, caused by the self-destruction of 00 near the heart of Tokyo-3. Or should it? Maybe what I was living was the 'right' way, not the other way around. Even at that point, so long into my life as Jill, I still had thoughts of the absurdity of comparing life to a cartoon.

"This is nice," Asuka commented at one point, the breeze gently blowing through the trees near the shore. "You'd hardly believe it was Christmastime."

"It what? It is?" I said with surprise.

Shinji looked bewildered by my reaction. "You don't know what day it is?"

"I was never good with dates," I said sheepishly. That came from the endless shift-work I did in Jack's youth; eight-day work weeks didn't mesh well with seven-day calendar ones. "I can't believe I forgot about it!"

"It's not hard," Asuka shrugged. "The Japanese don't celebrate it like you and I do."

"Um.. not to mention that most of the population has left this place," Shinji pointed out with a mild frown. "There are few people left to advertise it."

"That's true," I contributed.

"The one thing we do have every year is a Christmas wish," Shinji said, trying to bring the mood back into the upbeat range. "Do you have anything you'd wish for, either of you?"

"Let's hear yours first," I smiled.

"Yeah, Third! What would you wish for?"

Shinji looked to the dirt at his feet for a long moment. Then, he said, "I.. guess I'd wish for everything to return to normal. So that we all could live normal lives."

"Normal's overrated," Asuka scoffed. I, on the other hand, had a sudden vision of Shinji being awoken by childhood friend Asuka, late for school, hurrying out the door with a rushed goodbye to his parents, before he plowed into new transfer student Rei Ayanami..

"Fourth! Are you off on another planet again?!" Asuka snapped.

I blinked myself back to reality. "Oh, sorry," I apologized. "I was trying to imagine what normal would feel like. I think normal left this place before we were born, guys."

Shinji continued in silence, but Asuka pondered that for a moment. Finally, she said soberly, "You can say that again."

"How about you, Asuka?" I asked, still unsure if I wanted the answer. "What's your wish?"

Again, she took time before answering. "I'd wish to be able to understand."

I could see that Shinji was going to ask what she meant by that, but I managed to shush him without getting noticed by the Second Child. "Right," he said instead, as if he knew what she meant.

"Sounds good to me," I agreed. I was now certain I didn't want to know what was percolating in her brain at that moment. At best, it was very private, personal thoughts. At worst..

"What about you, then, Fourth?" Asuka said. "Your turn."

"Oh," I said, noticing her and Shinji both regarding me with curiosity at that point. I thought about it for a second; a fruitless task, since I'd been racking my brain for something to say on the topic ever since it had been brought up, and had ultimately come up empty.

"I guess I'd wish for all of us to get through this intact," I said, meaning the whole ordeal of NERV and the Angels. "Won't it be something spectacular to tell our grandchildren?"

"Ugh," Asuka shot back. "You were okay until that part."

Shinji actually let out a little laugh, which caught me off guard. It was good to witness him show some signs of emotion, and once I realized he was laughing at Asuka's reaction, not my statement, it was even better.

 

I got home that evening to find that Misato was still out. Presumably, she was at NERV, already beginning her hacking attempt to find out what she needed to know about the whole thing.

Oh, God, I found myself worrying. That means tomorrow is the day.

I tried not to panic, instead lying on my bed and willing myself to stay calm. Instead, of course, Rei's words from the day before came to me.

There is only one Angel left.

I'm scared. I don't know what to do.

What should I do, Jillian?

Do you think I should submit to his orders?

What right did I have to give Rei an answer to any of that? What if my advice set Third Impact into motion?

Isn't that what your goal was from the start?

That last bit wasn't from Rei; it was my own self-questioning. I didn't mean that I intended to bring about Third Impact, but that I had wanted to make a difference in how things turned out. And that had certainly been the case, hadn't it? Kaworu not only arrived, but departed ahead of schedule; Rei II hadn't died, and Zero hadn't been destroyed; Asuka was alive and well, and still able to perform.

Even that last bit, simple as it was, could prevent Instrumentality. Asuka could handily kick all the MPs' asses and have time left over to gloat about it.

Or perhaps she'll never get to that stage of synchronicity with Nigouki, without the trauma of total failure to provide the impetus.

I gritted my teeth and forced my eyes shut as the random, nonsensical thoughts ran through my head. There was no point in going over every 'what if' that I could dream up. The stage was set, and the curtain was about to rise. The exam was tomorrow and no all-night cram session would do a lick of good.

As I lay there, a thought came to me, and I did something I'd never thought of before.

I don't know if I have the right to talk to you, considering what I'm involved in and what I've done, I found myself thinking. But if you are there, and if you can, please make sure me and my friends get through this all right. I promise to do a better job with this life if I survive past tomorrow. You have my word.

The only sound left was the cicadas outside.