Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ The Ikari Doctrine ❯ Like the Loompas Do! ( Chapter 8 )

Disclaimer: I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion. A company named Gainax does. If they request I take this off of the net then I will. Also this chap, I give all rights to any loompas to Willy Wonka.

A/N: Okay people, I'm truly sorry about the long wait, you may all pick up wet squirrels and beat me to death if you want. O.o I'm free of College now so I can devote all my resources to this fic. J

Anyway, I hope you enjoy this installment of The Ikari Doctrine. Pre-readers this time were just Alexei Seranov, sorry Xeo, I didn't have time to e-mail ya.

If it is in Italics, it is thought

If not in Italics it is either descriptive or action

If it is in "…" then apparently this is speech.

The Ikari Doctrine: Chapter 8 / Like the Loompas Do!

Shinji watched the redhead roar at his guardian over not getting to go on the class trip.

How dramatic can you get?

"Why can't we attack them, what kind of operations director are you!!? Everyone knows that the best defense is a good offense!"

Shinji kept a trained eye on his volatile roommate. When she was in one of these "moods" she could get physically violent very quickly.

"There's no getting out of this Asuka, you're going to stay here and that's an order!"

Damn Woman.

Asuka "Hmmphed" as she turned her head away from both her roommates. Then she realized her fellow Eva pilot must want to go with his fellow stooges on this outing.

"Why aren't you upset about this baka? You should want to congregate with the fellowship of stooge."

Damn it to hell, why me?

"I can't swim Asuka, besides; I figured we'd have to stay behind anyway. It only makes sense." Shinji said coolly while taking a sip of his tea.

Only to have the tea exit his mouth in an amazing spray, an instant after, by the swift smack upside the head from the perturbed redhead.

"What the hell was that for?!" Shinji quizzed angrily.

"I should have known a baka like you couldn't swim. You probably don't want to go to avoid being embarrassed."

Good guess.

"I'm embarrassed whenever I'm around you Asuka."

He sneered before taking another sip of tea.

Only to have the tea perform the same odd action as it had before.

"Damn it Asuka, I'd like to drink some of my tea."

"Serves you ri-"

"BOTH OF YOU QUIT YOUR DAMN SQUABBELING!!"

Both pilots turned to look at their fearless captain. They blinked when they noticed a tea drenched face instead of Misato's usually beautiful features.

It was Asuka who recovered first and began her hiatus of laughing and pointing. Shinji joined in to a lesser extent, but he still found it extremely funny.

"WHAT'S SO FUNNY!!!?" Misato's face was read with anger; you could see the tea evaporating into steam.

If she was expecting an intelligent answer she was gonna be disappointed.

She had all she could take when Asuka actually fell to the floor in laughter and the purple headed goddess stormed toward her room.

"You two are incorrigible!" And with that her door slammed shut. A minute later Asuka recovered from the laughter.

"You really can't swim can you?" Asuka asked while reclaiming her seat.

"Nope."

"Good to know.... good to know." The redhead smiled evilly at the newly acquired info.

Shinji's eyes went wide as he realized his blunder.

Strategic error!!! Strategic error!!! Strategic error!!! Strategic error!!!

That's all that went through Shinji's mind for the rest of the day.

********************************************************* ***************

"School sucks!!" Shinji's voice echoed in the giant pool room of NERV headquarters.

The only living things that heard the boy's random exclamation were a blue haired girl that could care less about his exclamation and a redheaded girl who would try and use any gathered information to embarrass the boy.

Shinji looked between his laptops screen and the redhead who had heard his outburst and was making her way towards his position. His eyes went wide.

DAAAAMMMNNNN!!!!!! She looks good in that! Look at those legs and that ass and those brea-

"Aww, poor Shinji is having trouble with school work. Is there anything that I could do to help you? After all, I HAVE graduated from college."

But not from the school of humility oddly enough. Shinji quipped in his mind.

"You might be able to help; do you know anything about thermal expansion?"

"Physics is eeeaasssyy!! I'll try and explain it so that even a baka like you can understand. Thermal expansion just means that when things heat up they expand and when things cool down they contract."

"Oh... well that's easy enough."

She was actually helpful for once... it should go down in history.

"Now let's say that I put my hands on my breasts to heat them up. Would they get bigger or smaller?" Asuka asked with a barely noticeable grin on her face.

Let's see how you handle this one. Asuka thought evilly.

Yeah, I see where you're going with this.

"Let's see!" Shinji exclaimed in a sing song voice while he reached his hand up to cup his beautiful roommate's breast in his hand.

Asuka's mind went into total shutdown as the last thing she expected to happen... did.

Shinji was actually surprised as his hand was allowed free access to its target.

Wow. That was easy enough.

HE'S TOUCHING MY BREAST!!!!!!

"I think it's getting bigger!" Shinji said happily.

SMACK!!!!

With one hit, Asuka had sent Shinji flying out of his chair and down onto the cold tile floor.

"OWWW! What wa-"

A sidekick to the head sent him flying from the cold tile to the cold water. Shinji landed halfway in between the ledge of the pool, and the first line of small buoys.

I'm in the water.... I'M GONNA DROWN!!!!

"I'M DROWNING" Shinji yelled while he flailed around the pool wildly.

Asuka stood over the "drowning" boy in her trademarked "Asuka" position.

"You're a foot away from the ledge baka!!"

Revenge is sweet!!

Asuka watched the boy flail around some more while he continued to hysterically announce his current predicament. Seeing that the boy was too stupid to reach out and grab the ledge she decided to tell him to.

"Just reach out and grab the ledge stupid!"

It seemed not to work as the suggestion went in one of the boy's ears and out of the other.

He really is an idiot.

Asuka watched as the boy actually started to go under the water, still flailing around incoherently. She began to panic.

"GRAB THE EDGE STUPID!!!" Asuka yelled at the boy, who's head was now currently under the water.

The boy continued to sink, the last vestiges of exposed skin slipping under the water.

Asuka could simply not process the information being sent her way.

How could salvation be so close, yet someone not reach out and take it?

Asuka decided immediate action was necessary and jumped in the pool after her comrade.

I don't like him, but I just can't let the little baka drown now can I?

Asuka reached the boy, now a good 3 feet from the surface, the look on his face would have made her laugh under different circumstances, but she decided to remain focused on the task at hand. She grabbed her fellow pilot and began to furiously kick her way back towards the surface.

I can see the headlines now, "GREAT EVANGELION PILOT DROWNS IN POOL!" And the first line "Fellow pilots watch as the Fourteen year old boy breaths his last breath." Shinji had apparently accepted his demise.

Suddenly Shinji felt himself begin to reverse his decent and turn it into an ascent. He also felt something around his arm that seemed to be the cause of his ascent. Likewise he latched onto whatever was saving his life. The scared pilot wrapped both legs and arms around the ascending item, in a last ditch attempt to save his miserable existence.

Great I'm saving him and he still tries to cop a feel... I don't know why I bother.

Shinji, now in a full frontal hug with Asuka, finally opens his eyes when he feels the water recede from around his head. All he sees though is darkness.

Maybe I'm dead, and I ascended into heaven... or hell.

Coming to the conclusion that he was either in heaven or hell, he decided to shout out for someone.

"Can anyone hear me? Is this heaven?"

This has got to be a new low for mankind. Asuka thought as she looked down at the head lodged between her breasts.

"It's as close as you're gonna get BAKA! Kindly remove yourself from my breasts!"

"That's funny... you sound like Asuka."

SMACK!!! A hit to the side of his head sent Shinji's head rolling to the side.

Shinji looked long and hard at the red and white striped... breast. Then he looked farther up into the face of their owner.

She looks pissed.

I am so pissed off!!

"What kind of baka can't freaking swi-"

Halfway through her berating, Shinji noticed that he was still surrounded by water... and freaked out again. This time though there was reason to his madness. He used his arms to press Asuka's shoulders down, and then released his legs from around her waist. He placed his feet on her shoulders and used the poor girl as a launching platform to extricate himself from the cold hands of death. Once out of the pool he backed away from the ledge until he was stopped by the tile wall. He then watched a mop of read hair burst from the surface, caught in a fit of coughing.

You're sooo dead!!! Asuka thought as she hacked up the rest of the water she had inhaled.

Asuka made her way to the ledge and pulled herself out of it.

"Next time I'm gonna let the water have you!" She spat out at the boy.

"Who can't swim...? I mean really!!" She had started to pace in front of the boy.

"This is the third time I've had to save your sorry ass since I've met you." She shook her head furiously.

"That was the last time I'm going to save a spineless baka like YOU!!!" She pointed at his mass of cowardliness.

Hey... pointing's rude.

"I want nothing else to do with an incompetent idiot like you!!!"

"I'm leaving now, thank you very much for ruining my day!!!"

Asuka stormed to the entranceway of the pool room, but stopped for one last reminder when she got there.

"AND NO MORE GRABBING MY BREASTS!!!!!" With that she was gone.

She hasn't saved my sorry ass three times... I don't think.

Oddly enough it looked as though Shinji had taken the cruel comments with a grain of salt.

Shinji looked over the pool once more to see Rei idly taking laps... the same as she had five minutes before.

I guess Ayanami wasn't too concerned with my state of animation. Shinji thought sourly.

Shinji turned to get his towel from the corner of the room. He bent down to pick it up, and when he rose again Ayanami was impossibly close to his face, still dripping wet. Shinji visibly recoiled.

SHIT!! How does she do that!

"Y-Yes Rei?"

"It appears that I and pilot Sohryu do not like our breasts to be fondled. Remember this next time you feel... antsy." With that comment the First Child turned and exited the pool room.

OOOOKKKK. Maybe she did notice me drowning.

Shinji frowned.

This can't be good.

********************************************************* ***************class=Section2>

It's going to be me, I just know it is, why the hell do I have to kill every sin-

"Asuka, you will be performing this mission." Spoke the evil doctor of NERV.

That's the first time I have liked anything this woman has said. Thought two parties at the same time.

"I guess these people finely realize the genius that is Asuka Langley Sohryu."

Ignoring the redhead the good doctor continued on with her briefing.

"Shinji, you will be backup, and Rei will be on standby, here at NERV."

"Ok guys, let's get suited up and ready to capture an angel." The operations director chirped in.

Shinji rolled his eyes.

Yeah right, I still have the feeling that I'm gonna get screwed on this one. I think that's you people's job.

********************************************************* ***************

"Hey, this plug suit doesn't feel any different than my regular one." Asuka declared in wonder.

"Press the button on your left wrist." Ritsuko stopped drawing stick men doing perverted things long enough to enjoy the look on the Second Child's face when she found out what the... modification was.

"Oh... Okay." Asuka depressed the button.

The plug suit began to expand outwards, causing the Second Child to give a surprised squeak. When the suit had stretched its last Asuka's usual frame had been increased by more than 3 fold.

"What the hell is this thing?!?!" Asuka yelled at the good doctor.

"It's a modified plug suit like I said earlier Asuka, let's go now, the others are waiting."

I'm gonna get you for this one day you... you... fake blonde!

Asuka could be heard before she ever got out to the main cage.

"… damn it you sorry BLONDE… NO-ASS WANNABE-DOCTOR, YOU PLANNED THIS OUT, DIDN'T YOU!!!?"

Shinji, Misato, and Maya waited patiently for Asuka to come out and look at HER Unit Two.

Whatever got her so upset better watch out… she's gonna have an aneurysm when she sees what they've done to her Eva. Shinji's face expressed the dread that he knew was coming.

Misato was actually thinking the same thing as Shinji was, but her "Work" facade had yet to give out. She stood at attention waiting for the already ill-tempered redhead to make her appearance.

Maya hadn't even heard the redhead's shouts, she was too busy trying to figure out how in the hell they got the Eva into that suit in short notice.

It's just not possible; I mean all logic would tell a person it would take two or three days to suit something that big up. Ok, let's focus on the job at hand and chalk that up as part of a mental breakdown.

When Maya turned back around to observe the Second Child's grand entrance she almost face-faulted. There, the mighty Second Child spewing a stream of obscenities and trying to squeeze HER "fat ass" through the undersize hallway, greeted the bridge bunny's view. Maya looked to her side to see Misato stifling laughter with her hand, and Shinji… well the Third Child appeared to be rolling around on the ground trying to catch his breath.

Asuka had gotten stuck in the hallway's entrance, but she was in such a position she couldn't see the three co-workers waiting on her.

"SHINJI!! YOU BETTER NOT BE LAUGHING AT ME!!! IF YOU ARE I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!

Through his fits of laughter Shinji formed a response "I'm not… haha… I'm not, I swear it… haha… Asuka."

Shinji had recovered from the initial surprise, and was rising from his response to that surprise when a loud POP was heard through the room. Shinji raised his head once more to find Asuka on her side flailing 4 stumps around wildly, and one Dr. Akagi deftly dodging the little stumps to make her way next to her assistant. Of course all this sent Shinji to the ground once more in a fit of laughter. Maya and Misato soon followed in their laughter, but Dr. Akagi remained ever vigilant.

"ONE OF YOU HELP ME, I CAN'T GET UP!!... STOP LAUGHING AND HELP ME YOU IDIOTS!"

Shinji rose from his laughter once more. Once he was back to his normal posture, a look of recognition slowly crept its way onto his face.

I've seen all this before.

"I remember this, this has all happened BEFORE!"

Shinji's declaration caused Misato and Maya to stop laughing and Ritsuko to entertain the idea of parallel universes.

Shinji made his way over to the still screaming redhead while all the others maintained quizzical looks about them. If Asuka thought that Shinji had come to be her knight in shining armor and save her from this horrible embarrassment, she was horribly mistaken.

Shinji placed his hand on the epitaph of Asuka's disfigured body and gave her a little push. Asuka proceeded to roll 3 feet in the direction of the push, when she came to a stop she had some rather vicious words for the young Ikari.

"YOU LITTLE TWERP, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!!!! HELP ME UP NOW DAMN IT!!!

This is just too perfect!!

"Asuka, do you know you look like a giant… strawberry?"

Asuka only squirmed more at the question. Shinji gave a little laugh at her plight and continued on with what he had planned to do.

Shinji started to walk a circle around the girl and then he began.

"Oompa loompa doopety doo," Shinji started to roll the girl towards the group of bridge bunnies. As he got closer to them he saw Maya's eyes light up, and the techie made her way to the opposite side of Shinji and joined in the fun.

"I've got a perfect puzzle for you

Oompa loompa doompety dee

If you are wise you'll listen to me," They started to roll the girl in circles.

By this time Misato had decided the floor was a much more stable place to be, considering that her humor level for the day had surpassed a whole month in total. Even the stone like Dr. Akagi had begun to giggle at the Third Child and her Lab assistant's shaky rendition of Willie Wonka's Chocolate Factory.

"Who do you blame when your Child is a brat?

Pampered and spoiled like a Siamese cat

Blaming the Child is a lie and a shame," The two had begun what looked to be a tug of war match over the girl.

"You know exactly who's to blame," Both of the conspirers looked over to the good doctor.

The doctor, being in a good mood, decided to play along. "The Commander?"

The answer seemed to satisfy the "Oompas" and they continued.

"Oompa loompa doopety da" Shinji bent down as he continued to sing and poked his head right in front of Asuka's, who promptly tried to spit at the bright and smiling pilot of Evangelion Unit 01, whose face was about to split at the seams in humor.

"If you're not spoiled then you will go far," It was Maya's turn to do as Shinji just did. Asuka by this time was so dizzy, instead of spitting she "spluttered".

"You will live in happiness too

Like the Oompa Loompa doopety doo,"

This continued two more times with Shinji and Maya adlibbing different lines… Until one Kaji Ryouji started singing along with the pair from his perch on the second level railing. "DOOPETY DOO!"

Now Asuka up until this point and time had been ready to kill everyone in range, but now, with the addition of her Kaji seeing her in this predicament, she WAS going to kill everyone in the room.

"YYYYEEEEOOOOWWWW!!!" Shinji screamed with all his might as what felt like a small cougar clamped its teeth down around his ankle.

"SHE BIT ME!!" Shinji yelled as he fell back on his rump and attempted to crawl away.

Asuka used the momentum from the last push in her favor and gave chase.

"I'm gonna get you, you little BAKA!!!"

Oh shit! I've driven her insane!!!... As if she wasn't always.

Misato decided to pipe up "I remember this move… It was that scary one… CRITTERS!! That was it!"

The three bridge bunnies moved out of the way as Shinji crawled by still holding his ankle. They gave even more space to the large red strawberry following Shinji in hot pursuit.

Shinji yelled out in pain once again as Asuka's jaws found Shinji's tender posterior.

"GAH!!! SHE BIT ME ON THE ASS!!!"

The whole crew burst out laughing at that.

"Serves you right, you idiot!" Asuka yelled, still giving chase. Unfortunately for the redhead, her momentum had died, causing her to just roll to a rest.

"YOU'RE LUCKY YOU LITTLE TWERP!!! I WOULD HAVE HAD YOUR TWIG AND BERRIES TOO!!"

"YOU'VE HAD 'EM ONCE ALREADY YOU EVIL BITCH!!"

"AND I'LL HAVE 'EM AGAIN TOO!!"

Shinji piped down at that.

I'm particularly fond of my love tackle. Better not piss her off.

Dr. Akagi decided that the mission's time frame held more importance to the organization than her first laugh in a good long while.

"OK! LET'S GET GOING!! OOMPA… I MEAN TECHIES, ROLL THE SECOND CHILD UP TO HER ENTRY PLUG!!" The doctor walked over to one of the techies who had mysteriously appeared. "Make sure the Second Child isn't given opportunity to give chase to the Third, he's still needed after all."

Shinji hurried out of the room towards his carrier jet with Misato. He was sure as the door closed he heard Asuka giving someone hell over the Type-D that Unit 02 currently wore.

"Misato, are there security camera's in that room?"

"Of cour… Well stop by section 2 on the way to the jet."

"Where was Ayanami, Misato?" Shinji had been perplexed by her absence the whole time they were in the briefing.

"She said she had a school project she had to take care of."

Misato wasn't sure but she thought her young ward mumbled something about Ayanami being the enemy from hell.

More A/N: OK peeps! I have to give credit to Alexei Seranov for editing this thing, if you could read it before he had his way with it you would know I SUCK!!! So all credit goes to him, THANKS BUD!!!

Next CHAP!!! The eighth angel gets slaughtered, WAFF is included, And OF COURSE, IT'S GONNA HAVE A LITTLE HUMOR IN IT!! J