Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ The One I Love Is...Mst ❯ Chapter 11 ( Chapter 12 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Standard Disclaimer!!!

Back again with yet ANOTHER chapter of TOILI for you happy people!

I still have yet to convince Gianax or Mr Gravel to give me anything
related to the story or Evangelion so I don't own anything.

Well enough of the prelim stuff, you're not here to hear me rant
you want funny stuff...and a bit serious (i have to sneak it in).

FISH FIGHT!!

---------------------------------------------------------- ----------

And so it happend...they went to sleep. Well most of them did.

Asuka snoozing peacefully.

Touji on the couch sleeping peacefully.

Rei is unconsious.

Hikari is happily dozing.

Kensuke is...well who knows.

Shinji is...wide awake.

Shinji: Why kami..why?

2 a.m.

Shinji: Please kami let them sleep comfortable.

Kami-sama laughed at his humble request.

Almost to directly after the plea for peace Asuka rolls on her side facing him.

Shinji: 'This is...a familiar sight, must...remain..in..control.'

Asuka then demonstrates how people sleeping still can pack a punch and decks him while
mumbling something.

Shinji: 'Even in her sleep she has to hit me.'

4 A.M.

Rei begins to stir.

Shinji: Oh shit what now? 'All I want to do is sleep!'

She then begins to move...and move..and move.

Shinji: How the hell can she move so much in her sleep? AH!

After about 5 body movements Miss Ayanami decides that putting her legs across
her flat mates was ok so she did. And in doing so...cuts off a certain males
Oxygen.

6 A.M.

Shinji: SLEEP!

WHAM!!

Another dream about boxing from Asuka and a dream about swimming from Rei results in
two rather nasty blows.

9 A.M.

Hikari: Morning Shinji-kun...sleep well?

Shinji: Sleep...sleep...sleep.

Hikari: What happend to your eye?

Shinji: Asuka...dreaming...Rei...dreaming...hurt.

Touji: Quite down out there, people trying to sleep!

Shinji: SHUT UP!!

Touji rushes out: What your proble....HAHAHAHA.

Asuka sits up: Izz i...morning already?

Rei bolts up.

Hikari jumps back abit: Freaky...Ayanami must be a morning person.

Rei: That was a fullfilling nights rest.

Asuka: Oddly it was.

Shinji: Call Kensuke...get key...need sleep.

Asuka: You need more sleep, you sure complain alot.

Shinji: ME! if you two would have stopped thrashing I would have slept!!

Asuka/Rei: Is it are fault?

Touji: Poor bastard 'smiles' he he, guess I'll call Kensuke. 'Rushes to the phone.'

Hikari: I'll make breakfast. 'Heads into the kitchen.'

Rei: Why are you clutching your stomach like that Shinji-kun?

Shinji: It's bruised from your 'laps' you kicked me all night.

Rei: Odd.

Asuka: Well lets get washed up.

Shinji: Not again!

Asuka: Not a shower you hentai, the wash basin...sheesh bet you wanted a shower.

Shinji: No...want sleep.

Well I'll just summerize what happens next because its your basic set-up.
People wash (no showers!! can't do same gag twice in same mst), food is made, and
Kensuke arrives but is lacking something.

Asuka: What do you mean you don't have them!!

Kensuke: I looked all night, I just can't find them. We'll need to find a way
to break them. What happend to Shinji?

Touji: He tried to sleep in between them.

Shinji: Rei...never stopped moving..Asuka practices boxing.

Hikari: Oh well shall we watch the movie some more, we don't have much time left.

Rei: I see no reason to post-pone.

Asuka: I'm ready.

Shinji: Sleep!

Touji: Why do we have to go to school tomarow anyway?

Kensuke: At least we can see normal girls again.

Asuka/Rei: Excuse me?

Shinji: Stow it, lets go. 'Stands and moves to living room...much akin to a zombie.'

Hikari: He's going to pass out soon isn't he?

Rei: The human body can go 48 hours before suffering any physical affects from
sleep deprivation.

Shinji: Must...kill...Kensuke.

Kensuke: Whow Mega-playboy, you can't do any killing like that...sit and watch.

Asuka: You have to be firm with him SHINJI SIT!

Shinji sits.

Hikari: I'll never get tired of that, 'hits play on the video.'

(Begin MST, Look for >>> ok?)

The One I Love Is...
Chapter 11 - Where Angels Fear to Tread

>>>Asuka: Suzahara's room.

Written by Alain Gravel <rakna@globetrotter.qc.ca>
Assisted by Sparky Clarkson <sparkster@writeme.com>
Based on characters created by and copyright GAINAX

http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Teahouse/2236/

> >>Kensuke: I think I may know what those numbers mean now.

>>>Hikari: What?

>>>Kensuke: Number of people lives Asuka ruined.

>>>Asuka: Shall we increase it by one? 'cracking her knuckles.'

(number) See the author's notes for details

========================================================== =============

Chapter 11 - Where Angels Fear to Tread

>>>Shinji: Misato-san's room!

>>>Asuka: Their is evil there that does not sleep. ( HE HE HE)

Peaceful.

>>>Kensuke: Who blew up Tokyo-3?

>>>Rei: I did.

Some people would use that word to describe what already had come to
be known as the "Tokyo-3 Lake". As the day ended, it could also have
been called beautiful, illuminated as it was by the dying rays of the
sun.

>>>Hikari: Or depressing as hell.

>>>Touji: As the bodies of those who didn't escape litter the lake side.

But those words did not come to my mind as I stood on the shore and
stared at the placid lake.
Deserted. Deserted and lonely.
Alone.
I was alone.
Like before I came to NERV.
But it wasn't the same.

>>>Kensuke: Who killed Mega-playboys self-esteem?

>>>Touji: Asuka ran away and...uh..what really happend to Ayanami?

>>>Rei: A mear state of mental confusion.

>>>Kensuke: Who got the point?

>>>Hikari: Neither, it's not that type of story anymore.

Because now, I couldn't stand loneliness. I didn't want to be alone
anymore. Not now that I knew what it was like to really be alive. But I
didn't have a choice. Kensuke, Hikari and Hotaru had left, driven off by
the explosive destruction of Tokyo-3.

>>>Shinji: More like killed.

>>>Asuka: Damn, lost a friend.

>>>Shinji: The silence has dissappeared.

>>>Touji: OH YEAH! forgot that Hotaru girl and Ayanami has a les...

>>>Kensuke: A what?

>>>Touji looking at the death glare from da blue haired one: Nothing.

While I didn't know Hikari and
Hotaru as well as Kensuke, their company would have been comforting. But
they were gone. At least Hikari could join Touji in Tokyo-2; I knew they
missed each other.

>>>Touji: You'd come to visit me?!?!

>>>Hikari blushing lightly: Of course you big dope 'As long as he doesn't mention Misato.'

And Hotaru wouldn't have to see what had happened to Rei...
No, not Rei. Ayanami. Rei was gone now. As I looked at the silver
cross I held in my right hand, I tried to suppress the tears that
threatened to overcome me.

>>>Kensuke: Damn, you guys broke up!

>>>Shinji: Well Rei did go to pieces.

>>>Rei: That was not funny.

>>>Asuka/Hikari: Yes it was.

And now Asuka had left me as well. In the end, I had stood my ground
and she had been the one to run away. Again, I had been rejected and
left behind. I wish I had shown her more attention, but Rei's death had
hurt so much... at the time, it seemed like the only thing I could think
about.

>>>Kensuke: Death seems to be an important thing.

Maybe... no. It was too late now. She was gone, leaving only a
note. A note! Why did she write those words instead of saying them? I
could have told her I never wanted her to leave!

>>>Asuka: You could have said that alot, but what did you do, dumped me on my head!

>>>Shinji: SO WHAT! not like people come back from the dead everyday!

>>>Rei: 'Mental note- fatigue causes Shinji-kun to be more dramatic.'

A tear trickled down my cheek as I clutched in my left hand the red
neural interface nodes Asuka had always worn so proudly. It was all I
had left of her... pieces of junk.
Misato was still here, but she was merely a ghost, disappearing as
quickly as she appeared.

>>>Touji: MISATO'S DEAD??

>>>Shinji: No baka, it's a figure of speech.

The revelations of the day before had only been
appetizers for her. She had abandoned me and buried herself in the
Geofront,

>>>Hikari: Expensive place to be buried.

>>>Shinji: Better than cremation, all that booze would cause her to really
>>> flare up.

consumed by her desire to unlock the secret of the
organization that had destroyed Kaji; that had destroyed all of us.
I couldn't even see Pen-Pen,

>>>Touji/Kensuke: NO!! Pen-Pen didn't make it!! who killed him!

now that Misato had sent him to
Hikari's family, for his own safety. I couldn't blame her, but... I
could have used the company. Then again, he'd taken Rei's death as badly
as I had. Maybe Hikari, with her bright attitude, could cheer him up.

>>>Rei looks at said bird as it enters, they exchange looks, Pen-Pen RUNS away fast.

'Cheer up.' How ironic that I would think of those words. Rei and
Asuka had wanted me to be happy today. I should have been happy today. I
remembered Asuka's words, a few days after I had been released from
Unit-01.

>>>Shinji: Forever?

>>>Rei: That is a pointless desire.

>>>Shinji: No me 'Cheering up' is pointless.

'You'll see, Shinji! This year, you'll have the best birthday ever!
Rei and I'll see to that!'

>>>Kensuke: By having a three-some!!

>>>Touji: HAHA HA, missed ya Ken, last one wasn't as good without ya.

>>>Rei/Asuka/Shinji: We disagree.

Ironic, indeed. And they had asked why I hated that day...
I hated it because it always showed me how lonely I was.
But this time, it was worse.
In the past, I had been alone, but I didn't care.

>>>Kensuke: Would you like cheese with your whine?

Now, I was alone and I hated it. I was scared too. I didn't know how
I would manage to make it to the next day. What purpose did I have? I
had lost what had been most important in my life... I could only hope
that Asuka would come back or that Ritsuko had been wrong and that
something of Rei still existed within Ayanami.
'Don't worry. I'll never bother you again. Ever.'

>>>Kensuke: You pilots are all screwed up.

>>>Touji: I'll run away, that solves everything. DUH!

No. Asuka had no intention of coming back. And I doubted that the
Commander would invest any efforts into finding her.

>>>Asuka: Where does he live...Unit-02 is going to have an accident.

>>>Rei: You cannot know that.

She couldn't pilot
EVA anymore and with Unit-00 gone, Ayanami could likely take over the
piloting of Unit-02... that is if the compatibility test succeeded. But
then again... she was no longer expendable. Still, there was only one
Angel left, so maybe Unit-02 wasn't useful anymore either...

>>>Kensuke: I'll buy it!

>>>Shinji: Then I'd have to do to you what I did to Touji.

'If she had kept her memories of you, she couldn't have been used
for whatever plan Ikari has for her. So the Commander asked me to take
care of this little detail. I'm sorry Shinji.'

>>>Rei: The Commander's residence is one block north of the Geofront.

The current Ayanami... didn't remember me. To her, I was just the
Third Children. All that I had experienced with Rei, those past months,
the feelings we had shared... they were all gone.

>>>Kensuke: So they can do it like the first time a....

>>>Rei: You went to far 'backhands him.'

>>>Touji/Shinji: What did you do last night Ken?

As if they had never
existed. It was as if I had gone back in time. A few hours earlier, I
had visited her in her old apartment, which, as incredible as it may
seem, had survived the explosion of Unit-00.

>>>Asuka: It's a matchbox house, takes what 5 minutes to rebuild?

>>>Rei: Damn.

I found her sitting on her
bed, looking through a window, bloodied bandages on the bed and floor.
As she heard me, she turned toward me and looked at me with lifeless red
eyes. She didn't say anything and neither did I as I left, unable to
face her for another second. I didn't want to see her, that doll, a doll
wearing the face of a girl I once loved.

>>>Asuka: See I told you all!!

>>>Hikari: How did she get the bandages off in the first place?

There was nothing for me to hope for anymore.

>>>Shinji: Death is something to hope for in that situation.

'It's true that for now, the only thing we can do is pilot EVA...
but, well... as long as we stay alive... someday, we'll be glad that we
survived.'
Words I had said to Rei, after she nearly got killed in our first
mission together (1).

>>>Rei: After I saved your life.

>>>Kensuke: And melted a shield to your chest.

Were those words lies? No. I had to believe that there could be
something more than hopelessness.
'I have nothing else.'
Rei had been wrong. Because had she lived, she had been able to
experience joy and happiness, even if only briefly.

>>>Rei: I am not dead.

>>>Hikari: Not technically.

I would defeat the Seventeenth Angel, and keep on living.
This resolution didn't lessen the pain I felt however...
Because now, I had nothing.

>>>Touji: It is possible to leave the city and start again.

>>>Shinji: That would mean making an effort and it appears I'm not planning on
>>> doing that.

My thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the sound of someone
humming a song I recognized fairly easily: Beethoven's "Ode to Joy".

>>>Kensuke: Seems somebody has a sick sense of humor.

>>>Touji: Joy at the end of the human existance.

I looked to my left to see a girl sitting on a rock in the lake, a few
meters away from the shore. A very familiar gray-haired girl. She still
wore the same white sundress and her hair moved with the wind.
It didn't occur to me right away that this girl had not been there a
few minutes before.
"You!"

>>>Asuka: Hussy.

>>>Rei: Traitor.

>>>Touji/Kensuke: BABE!

She didn't seem to have heard me, or maybe she was just ignoring me,
as she kept humming for a whole minute before turning to me. I almost
regretted as she did turn, for her red eyes reminding me of my loss.

>>>Kensuke: She's been drinking.

>>>Hikari: Or hasn't slept in a long time.

>>>Shinji: Stop talking about sleep!

"Do you not think that music is one of the Lilims' greatest
creations, Ikari Shinji-kun?

>>>Touji: Ok, she's a freak.

>>>Kensuke: Lilims...thats like screaming 'HEY I'M NOT HUMAN!'

Can you not feel all the emotions it can
fill one's heart with? Do you not think this world would be a nicer
place to live in, if we had more musicians to comfort the heart and
soul?"
I blinked at those words. What a strange girl...

>>>Shinji: Thats all I get out of that...strange girl?

>>>Asuka: You truly are a baka at times.

"Who are you? How do you know my name?"
She smiled at me. A warm, friendly, innocent smile.

>>>Hikari: That doesn't look right on her face.

"You really underestimate your importance and position. It is
natural that I should know you, as I am just like you, one of the chosen
ones. I am the Fifth."
WHAT?!
"The... the Fifth... Children? You're... you're a pilot?"
I couldn't believe it. Another one... another one that would be
sacrificed to EVA...
This had to be a nightmare.

>>>Asuka: She hasn't proposed to you yet.

>>>Rei: That would make it a nightmare.

"Yes. I have been chosen to replace the Second."
The Second. Asuka. Replace her? So fast? She hadn't even been gone
for twenty-four hours!

>>>Rei: Nerv moves quickly when called for.

>>>Touji: And I bet they were looking for a replacement the minute they met her.

How could they replace her so fast? Did this girl
know something I didn't? I was about to ask, when it occurred to me that
Asuka had really stopped being a reliable pilot ever since the attack of
the Fifteenth Angel. Plenty of time for the Commander to arrange a
replacement. If this girl, however, was a candidate...
"Why haven't you shown up before?"
"There was no need for an extra pilot."
The girl looked away, gazing at the lake.
"You would have preferred that I had got hurt instead of your
friends, do you not?"

>>>Kensuke: How wonderfully evil of her to say that.

>>>Shinji: Insert knife..twist to left...twist to right..repeat.

I gasped at those words... because I knew it was true. I wished this
strange girl had been chosen to pilot Unit-03 instead of Touji. I wished
she had been the one the Fifteenth had mind-raped. I wished she was the
one who had died instead of Rei.

>>>Touji: You can be a real ass at times man.

>>>Asuka: Look at her, I'd want it to happen to Mrs. I'm Not a Lilim.

I felt terribly guilty and selfish for thinking that way. And I
lowered my head in shame.
"I... I... yes."
The reaction of the girl was not one I would have anticipated.

>>>Shinji: She shoot me?

She chuckled. She then stepped down from the stone she was sitting on. She
didn't seem to care at all that she was standing in the lake, water up
to her waist.

>>>Touji: White...shirt.

>>>Kensuke: Very transparent.

>>>Rei: What is she doing?

>>>Hikari: It's called seduction.

She just walked towards me, a happy smile on her face. As
she approached the end of the lake, I noticed that the lower half of her
dress had become semi-translucent, from the water and the way it stuck
to her skin. I looked away as I suddenly realized that she didn't seem
to be wearing anything beneath her dress.

>>>Asuka: You're checking her OUT!!

>>>Rei: I will overlook this mistake, once.

>>>Kensuke: Mega-Playboy going out for another score.

I became very nervous and
self-conscious as she walked right next to me. I was frozen in place as
she neared, only to jump slightly as she leaned her head in, only inches
from mine.
"You should blush more often. It looks better on you than a gloomy
expression. A smile would be even better." she whispered, before walking
away.

>>>Shinji: That's my line to red-eyed girls!

>>>Touji: How many do you know?

>>>Rei: One.

>>>Hikari: Looks like two now.

I remained in place, unsure of how to respond to that.
"There are harmonics and synchronization tests scheduled for
tomorrow morning. We will meet again then."
This snapped me back to reality. Tests?

>>>Kensuke: Sensei stayed in the city to torture you.

>>>Hikari: He would too, tests for 2nd impact and calculus.

I didn't know that there
would be tests. But then again, someone might have told me and I might
not have paid attention...
"Err... yeah... sure... em... Nagisa, right?"
"Yes, my name is Nagisa Kaoru. But you may call me Kaoru, Ikari-
kun."
Kaoru... a pilot like me. Fated to a life of misery, surely...

>>>Asuka: I am so sick of you bitching Shinji!!

>>>Hikari: Didn't take much for you to regress.

>>>Shinji: Sorry my abandonment pisses you off.

"I'd rather not, Nagisa."
"I see..."
For a moment, there seemed to be sadness on the girl's face, but it
was quickly replaced by a happy smile.
"Tomorrow morning, then."
Probably expecting that I wouldn't answer back, the girl walked
away.
Nagisa Kaoru. The Fifth Children. Was it why she always seemed to be
around ever since the Thirteenth Angel? Had she been watching me?

>>>Rei: A stalker.

>>>Asuka: What does it take for the JSSDF to stop stalkers?

What was this girl's purpose? And why did she seem so similar to Rei, yet so
different?

>>>Asuka: Same freak complection and eyes?

>>>Touji: Sure as hell isn't the personality, she has it going ON!

* * *

I gave a detached look at my alarm clock as it indicated it was time
to wake up. Not that it was of much use, as I didn't sleep at all; my
mind refusing to shut down since my last visit to Terminal Dogma.

>>>Hikari: Even your persona on the screen can't sleep.

>>>Shinji: I want to but sleeping like this would cause BIG troubles.

It was
amazing I had heard it, as the sound of Beethoven's music was filling my
ears. I had listened to it ever since I had came back to the apartment,
after my encounter with the Fifth Children.

>>>Touji: Is that the sign of a crush?

>>>Kensuke: Is it this whole movie was to set those two up together?

>>>Rei: If so, Hokari-kun will not be returning home for some time.

I had felt the need of
something to drive away my thoughts, so I naturally went for my SDAT. I
found myself, however, not really interested by my usual SDAT tape, so I
listened to Beethoven all night instead.

>>>Shinji: Oh sweet SDAT how I love thee, let me count the ways.

>>>Touji: Ken...we have something we can use as blackmail.

Was it because I had heard the Fifth humming one of the great
composer's pieces?
The Fifth. I would see her again today. As well as the First...
I really would have liked to avoid it.
Slowly, I got up. I didn't feel like bathing or eating, or changing
clothes, so I headed directly toward NERV.

>>>Touji: Butt freaking naked!!

>>>Rei: Cleanly-ness is next to Goddly-ness.

>>>Shinji: That mean I'll grow tenticles and destroy cities?

* * *

"Shinji-kun! Try to concentrate! Your ratio is getting lower and
lower!"

>>>Shinji: STOP BITCHING AT ME!

>>>Asuka: If they actually encouraged us a bit, maybe we'd do better.

>>>Rei: It is never enough for them.

I sighed as I made some efforts to concentrate. Poor Lieutenant
Ibuki seemed to be uncomfortable in her new position. I guess it was
natural. Taking over the work of Dr. Akagi was probably hard on her.
Dr. Akagi. I wondered what had happened to her. Did the Commander
dispose of her now that he no longer had a use for her?

>>>Rei: He has 'uses' for all female personel.

>>>Asuka/Hikari: WHAT!!

>>>Touji: Maybe the player skill is genetic.

"My synch ratio will be fine when needed," I replied flatly, after I
gave up on trying to improve my synch ratio. When the time would come, I
would defeat the Seventeenth Angel. I was determined to do so. But this
was only a test and I couldn't help but to let my thoughts wander.
Was Ayanami able to synch as well as Rei did?
Ayanami...
Was there really nothing left of Rei in her?
I had to find out.

>>>Kensuke: And really get depressed.

>>>Rei: This will seal the doctor's fate.

* * *

"Rei."
I knew that my chances were slim, but I had to try. So I had stayed
there, and leaned against a wall, still wearing my plugsuit as I waited
for her to get out of the girls' locker room.

>>>Shinji: LcL in my hair.

>>>Asuka: Smelling like a big blood clot.

Her hair was still damp
from the necessary quick shower to rinse the LCL off her body. I could
have found the sight pretty, if it hadn't been from the emotionless look
in her eyes. I hated that look.

>>>Rei looks at him: You...do?

>>>Shinji: You don't look like that, anymore.

>>>Touji: Yeah she does!

>>>Hikari: She...does.

>>>Shinji: Not if you can read the signs. Also Asuka's voice lets out more than she
>>> wants others to know.

>>>Asuka: "Shit! he's on to me!'

"Pilot Ikari."
I cringed at the words.
She stood still for a few seconds, looking at me with cold red eyes.
I didn't move myself, as I felt my resolve leaving me, as I realized it
seemed so futile.
I only moved as she seemed to lose interest in me and started to
walk away. I grabbed one of her shoulders. Her head turned toward mine,
her gaze boring into me.
"Have you really forgotten me, Rei? Is this all I am to you? The
Third Children, Pilot Ikari?"

>>>Asuka: Please say "That is correct Pilot Ikari."

>>>Touji: It would make the most sense.

For half a minute, Rei stood as immobile as a statue, staring at me.
That cold, lifeless gaze left my stomach in turmoil. I thought that she
would just ignore me again and walk away when she answered.
"I have no memories of you. Should I have?"

>>>Shinji: Well we've worked together for over a year.

>>>Kensuke: You dated.

>>>Touji: You shared more than time.

>>>Shinji/Asuka: HEY!

She might as well have punched me in the stomach.

>>>Rei: If that is what you wish 'she winds up and rams her fist into his stomach'
>>> Why did you want that?

>>>The others, save Shinji who's hunched over: He didn't WANT it!

I had expected
that answer, but could not tone down that small flicker of hope that
still resided within myself. It had given me the strength to come this
far, to ask that question. But now it was gone, leaving only room for
desperation.
"Please, Rei," I pleaded, "Can't you remember anything? The missions
we did together, the times we saved each other's lives? When we lived
together? Can't you remember when we made love?"

>>>Rei: What is love made of?

>>>Touji: Money lots of money.

>>>Shinji: Pain. 'Nursing his stomach.;'

>>>Hikari: They didn't catch what he actually said?

>>>Asuka: Don't draw attention to it.

For a fraction of a second, I thought I saw some life in her eyes,
but it was gone so fast that I might have imagined it.
I then heard the whispers behind us and realized some NERV personnel
were staring at us. One could see the morbid curiosity in their eyes,
the hunger for human misery. Desperation gave way to anger as I gave
them a look that could have killed.
"Don't you have something better to do than stare at us!? Dummkopf!"
(2)

>>>Touji/Kensuke: NO!!! He's been contaminated!!

>>>Asuka: Welcome into a bigger brighter world Shinji.

When you live with someone, it's not entirely surprising that
sometimes, you can pick up some of that person's habits.

>>>Asuka: Does that mean I'm going to become a neat freak?

>>>Shinji: I'm going to turn into a lush?!

I only realized
a few days later how much I must have sounded and looked like Asuka that
time. My anger having died down a little, I turned my attention back to
Rei.
"Don't tell me you don't remember any of this! Don't tell me that
you forgot all that we shared! It's not possible! You must remember
something!"

>>>Rei: Your breath is minty fresh.

>>>Hikari: That's...something.

>>>Shinji: It could be from all the yelling.

The blue-haired girl just... stared at me.
"No. I do not."
I almost crumbled. I only managed to keep standing through sheer
will.

>>>Asuka: Somebody named Will works at Nerv now?

>>>Shinji: I ment determination.

>>>Touji: Hardly, you have no will of your own, it's some guy.

I didn't want to break down because of that... girl. Was this how
Asuka almost always managed to look so strong? Just because she didn't
want to look weak?

>>>Hikari: And we see what good that did.

>>>Touji: She ran off.

"I see. Then Rei is truly dead."
Unable to look at that familiar face anymore, I let go of her
shoulder and made my way to the boys' locker room.
Despite all that, a small part of me was fighting to keep hope.

>>>Shinji: Get that denial mojo working!

>>>Kensuke: Next you'll start thinking Asuka'll come back again.

It was trying to convince me to give this girl a chance, to try to know
her, to try to open up to her and hope that she would do the same. It
was hoping that this girl might eventually fall in love with me, like
Rei did. But this girl was not Rei.

>>>Hikari: Not yet.

>>>Asuka: Needs a school uniform to make the transformation complete.

What had made Rei unique, all her
experiences, our experiences, it had been stripped away. It would not be
the same. Whatever spark that had caused Rei to open up to me was
probably forever lost.

>>>Touji: Just clean the spark plug and try again.

>>>Kensuke: But where would you pu...na to easy.

>>>Shinji: Thanks for stopping.

Sometimes, it's just better to let go...
"Ikari..."
I suddenly turned around, hope flaring despite my common sense
telling me to forget about her.

>>>Asuka: And all sense you have left.

Those hopes were indeed quickly crushed as I saw the empty expression on her face.
"... I am sorry."
Words... that felt empty.
Not Rei. This was not Rei.
"Are you really? Do you really know the meaning of those words? I
think not."
Slight surprise appeared on the girl's face, but I didn't pay
attention this time. Everything was over. Time to move ahead. If there
was something ahead to move to.

>>>Kensuke: Better watch out Touji, he may be after your girl to fill the void.

>>>Hikari/Shinji: Don't say things like that!

* * *

I lay in the hot bath, trying to forget what had just happened.

>>>Asuka: Ah, more casual nudity.

>>>Touji: But isn't it supposed to be females?

>>>Hikari: Fan-service for women, this is mostly a 'chick-flic.'

>>>Rei tilts her head.

>>>Shinji: I don't want you people seeing me naked!

A shower had not felt good enough, so I decided to take a bath here, in
NERV, before going back to the apartment. I didn't feel much like going
back there. Misato had once told me that having someone to come home to
was a special thing. I had no one to go home to now.

>>>Kensuke: What about the bugs and vermin?

>>>Shinji: I'd have left a plate of fruit outside from them before leaving.

"Ikari-kun? I did not expect to meet you here."
I almost jumped up at the sound of the voice. I twisted my head to
see Nagisa, right behind me, naked from head to toe, a warm smile on her
face.

>>>Touji: That's what I'm talking about!! BABY!

>>>Kensuke: How do you get all the chicks man!

>>>Asuka: Eyes.

>>>Touji/Kensuke: Fine...damnit.

>>>Hikari: Not you two, him 'points to shinji.'

>>>Touji: HAHA HA justice is served!

I felt a mix of emotions I had not felt in a while: fear,
surprise, confusion, and a surge of male hormones,

>>>Asuka: That's something to make note of, so seldom happens.

>>>Rei: Nudity seems to help Shinji-kun behave normally.

which lead to my
blood pressure rising in different places, as well as embarrassment as I
noticed where she was staring.

>>>Touji: And you girls seem to be staring hard too.

>>>Asuka: I'm not staring, I'm gazing.

>>>Rei: I'm staring.

>>>Shinji: This isn't FAIR!

I guess it was fair, however, as I took a
good look at her myself. I noted that her breasts were smaller than
Asuka's, but bigger than Rei's. And that gray was her natural hair
color.

>>>Touji: She looks good in gray.

>>>Asuka: HA! take that tramp!

>>>Rei: Size does not matter.

>>>Hikari looks at screen then at herself...then at the other girls: Damn I'm last.

"What... what are you doing here?!" I asked, blushing like a tomato
as I used my hands to cover a part of my anatomy that had a mind of its
own. "This is the men's bath!"
"Oh? Is it? I did not know."

>>>Kensuke: She's either lying or stupid.

>>>Asuka: Can't it be both?

She stood there, a confused look on her face. I tried to look away,
but found myself stealing glances at her every few seconds or so.
"We seem to be alone. Would you mind if I stayed?"

>>>Touji: Not unless he's gay, and we know he isn't.

>>>Kensuke: M-P didn't even have to shoot this time.

"What?! I... I... you..."
Since I just found myself mumbling, the girl simply took her place
in the bath to my left. She made no effort whatsoever to cover herself.
Some part of me noted that Rei would have acted exactly this way.
"Were you and the First really lovers?"

>>>Kensuke: Yes!

>>>Touji: No!

I cringed inwardly. Never underestimate the power of the NERV
grapevine. And since there was no point in trying to lie...
"Yes... we were."
"So you are not lovers anymore?"
"No."
"Why?"

>>>Asuka: She's lost her mind and turned into a freaky robot.

>>>Rei: I will return.

>>>Shinji: What's going on?

Why did she have to ask about that? I didn't want to think about it.
Especially after what had just happened.
"Things... changed."
"And losing that relationship hurt you?"

>>>Kensuke: No, he has no feelings, why would he care to lose a loved one.

>>>Hikari: She's worse at understanding than Ayanami.

"Yes..."
"Is that why you want to avoid contact with me?"
I stayed silent. I didn't want to talk. I should probably have left,
but I didn't feel like leaving either.
"You think that if you never get to know others, you will never feel
betrayed like you did before. If they get killed or leave, you won't
feel pain."

>>>Shinji: That's the general plan alright.

>>>Hikari: You sticking to that plan?

>>>Shinji raises his chained hands: Need to ask?

I was surprised to see how true those words were.
"Yes."
"So you plan to live alone for the rest of your life, always driving
others away?"
I... I didn't know. I didn't know anymore what I wanted out of this
life. Had I ever known? If I had, I might have made a choice...
"Maybe."
"But then, you will never escape the feelings of sadness and
loneliness that fill your heart."
Sadness and loneliness...

>>>Shinji: Lifetime compainions.

>>>Touji: Only you could turn something like naked-time into a downer.

The lights suddenly went off. Bathing time over. I blinked,
surprised. Had I stayed here that long?
I almost felt my heart jump out of my chest as I felt a hand on
mine. She was looking at me, as if her eyes wanted to see through my
soul. I pulled my hand away and looked elsewhere.
"It's... it's time to go."
"Oh? Is it over?"

>>>Shinji: On many levels.

>>>Kensuke: The pre-scene is done GET TO THE FUNK!

"Yes."
Slowly, the girl got up. I blushed as I got another close-up view of
her naked body. She looked at me again, still smiling.
"Where will you go?"

>>>Shinji: Movie theatre, they let me sleep there for free.

"Home. I have nowhere else left to go."
No way to delay it any further.
"I have heard that you play the cello. May I accompany you? I would
like to hear you play. I heard that you are very talented."
I looked at that warm smile. Loneliness... I didn't want to be
lonely anymore... but I didn't want to be hurt again...

>>>Rei: She is wearing his resistance down.

>>>Shinji: Loneliness and Ikari go hand in hand.

"No. Just leave me alone..."
The girl left without a word, disappointment clearly showing on her
face. It was a clear contrast to her usual cheerful smile. Some part of
me felt bad about that. But I tried to ignore it.
I would not be hurt again...

>>>Hikari/Shinji: Foreshadow.
* * *

"Very good Shinji! Your synch ratio is twenty points higher than
last time! Good job!"
In a past that felt almost a thousand years ago, I would have felt
happy hearing that. But this time, I barely noticed. I didn't care.

>>>Asuka: Anybody else getting sick of his attitude?

>>>All: Yes.

Two days had gone by and I had found myself thinking less and less
about Rei and Asuka. It still hurt, I still missed them and I still
couldn't stay in Ayanami's presence for long, but the feelings were not
as oppressive. Maybe it was true that time could heal wounds. But part
of me was scared about that idea. It didn't seem right to simply forget
them and... go on.

>>>Hikari: Shinji forgetting the past is as likely as Asuka admitting her feelings.

>>>Rei: Very unlikely.

There was nothing that could be done for Rei. But Asuka was still
alive, somewhere, out there.
The test went by quickly. I wished it would have taken more time.
The entry plug was a place outside of this world, where I could forget
everything else. It felt... comforting.
The entry plug opened, I stayed there a full minute. I didn't want
this relaxing feeling to go just yet.

>>>Shinji: Then the techies would drag me out.

>>>Touji: You've done that before?

>>>Asuka: It's becoming his new favorite hiding place.

When I opened my eyes, I saw Kaoru offering a black gloved hand, to
help me out of the plug. After a moment of hesitation, I grabbed her
hand.
"You look different when you are sitting inside this entry plug. You
seem... at peace."
"I guess I am..."
The girl smiled. As I looked at her, I noted how her black and blue
plugsuit contrasted with her pale skin and gray hair.

>>>Asuka: A walking bruise.

>>>Hikari: Black and white, Nerv needs people with better astetic sense.

I also noted, with
a hint of nostalgia, how the plugsuit seemed modeled after Asuka's. It
was the female production standard suit, I guessed. (3) Somehow, I
wished Asuka's suit had been an unique model. It just didn't feel
appropriate to see someone else in a similar suit.

>>>Kensuke: This is why we didn't want you getting girlfriends, you're a
>>> big sap now!

>>>Asuka: At least it wasn't red, I'd have to make her flesh black and blue.

"Once you are changed, will you go home, or will you eat lunch at
the cafeteria?"
No doubt, if I ate here, she would probably come along. But if I ate
at home, it would take some time to go to the apartment and then prepare
lunch. I would lose a lot of time,

>>>Shinji: And Kami-sama knows I need all the time I can spare to brood.

>>>Touji/Kensuke: And whine.

and I didn't feel like cooking
anyway. Cafeteria food would probably end up better than instant. And
after having lived with Misato for months, one could eat almost
anything.
"The cafeteria."
While she didn't say a thing, I could feel the girl was excited by
this bit of news. Her smile widened ever so slightly. There was a
sparkle of life in her eyes. I sighed.
"Feel free to accompany me."

>>>Rei: You are being very accomodating to her.

>>>Kensuke: The poor girl never realized his pure animal attraction.

This said, I left for the locker room. I didn't want to look at her
happy face. If I did, it might make me actually feel good myself...

>>>Hikari: And that would be a sin.
* * *

I stayed in the shower for a long time, feeling the relaxing effect
of the warm water on my skin. I would have preferred a bath, but I
didn't want to risk another naked encounter with Kaoru.

>>>Kensuke: What kind of guy are you!

Kaoru... I wondered what was going on in that girl's head.

>>>Rei: Hormones.

No matter
how much I tried to push her away, she just kept coming back. I couldn't
understand that girl. In only a few days, everyone seemed to have
developed a liking for her. I had heard that since her first day in
headquarters, she had brought home cooked breakfasts to the bridge crew.

>>>Asuka: Ass kisser!

>>>Hikari: How many people are on the bridge crew?

>>>Rei: 20 per shift.

Rumor was spreading among the technical crew that worked in maintaining
the EVAs that she made the best coffee around. I even heard that she had
volunteered once to help out in the now undermanned infirmary. Everyone
seemed to fall under her charm. Maybe it was because of those bright
eyes and peaceful smile of hers. Each time I would see her, she always
looked happy and cheerful.

>>>Kensuke: Shin-man is under her power, and will do what she wishes.

>>>Asuka: Helpful, nice, accomodating, what guy wants a girl like that!

>>>Touji/Kensuke: All guys, right Shinji...Shinji?

>>>Shinji: zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Except that time in the bath...
I shook my head. I shouldn't feel guilty over that. I had told her I
didn't want us to be friends. In fact, I was sure that she understood my
position and feelings very well. But that didn't stop her from trying. I
signed. Just one more Angel and we could part ways and she wouldn't risk
being hurt by me ever again. Or was it the opposite?

>>>Hikari: With such a comment, I wonder what is going to happen.

>>>Asuka snickering: Watch this...'clears her throat' IKARI WAKE-UP!!

>>>Shinji: AH! I'll make breakfast for you Asuka...wha..oh damn it!

I turned off the water faucet and walked out of the shower. I took a
towel and dried myself. I raised my hand to my nose and took a sniff. No
matter how long the bath or shower, there was still that residual trace
of LCL smell, very subtle, but still detectable. I hated that.

>>>Touji: Ever hear of a thing called colonge?

>>>Shinji: Where would I keep the bottle.

"Here you are. I was wondering what was taking you so long."
I jumped. I had been so caught on my thoughts that I never noticed
that I wasn't alone, as I should have been. Hastily, I finished putting
on my underwear, embarrassed that my fellow pilot had now clearly seen
me naked.

>>>Rei: Again.

>>>Hikari: She must really like the view.

"Nagisa! Don't you know that some people here like to have their
privacy?!"
She just stared at me, a puzzled look on her face, as she sat on the
bench just in front of the lockers, right beside where I had put most of
my clothes.
"Why are you embarrassed?"

>>>Shinji: It's not everyday people walk in on me in the shower!

>>>Kensuke: But you'd like it if they did.

>>>Shinji: KEN!

"Well... you... saw me... naked..."
I blushed fiercely. Part of my mind did rationalize that it seemed
to be natural around here. After all, Misato had seen me naked the first
day we started to live together, no thanks to Penpen, and Rei as well as
Asuka had seen me naked also.

>>>Asuka/Rei blushing: It...well...

>>>Hikari: We all have, thanks to the movie.

>>>Asuka/Rei: Yeah, t-the movie.

>>>Shinji: 'Why did that comment scare me so much?'

"You should not be embarrassed. The corporeal body is only a shell
that holds the human soul. A person's beauty should not be judged by how
that person looks on the outside, but by his heart and soul.

>>>Kensuke: So Miss Japan has a beutiful soul?

>>>Touji:And a HOT body.

>>>Rei: You have missed the intent of that comment completly.

I think you are very beautiful."
I blushed at the comment. It was really the first time someone had
said something like this. I wondered about her words. Asuka and Rei were
very beautiful girls. But that wasn't what had drawn me to them. I
guess.... she had spoken the truth. Still...

>>>Asuka: The fact I'm a goddess doesn't hurt either, Ne Shinji 'poses.'

>>>Shinji blushing: I..um..well...yeah.

I froze when I noticed she had picked up something off the bench,
curiosity on her face.
"DON'T TOUCH THAT!"

>>>Hikari: She's got a thing for his undies.

>>>Kensuke: That's sick.

This surprised the girl, making her drop the silver chain and cross.
I gave her an angry look before picking it up.
Rei...
I put the chain on then hurried to get dressed, before walking away,
ignoring the stunned girl and leaving her behind.

>>>Asuka: Good, hope she gets the point.

* * *

Another empty apartment. I tried not to feel too disappointed, but I
couldn't help it. It was a wonder I hadn't stopped yet. Still, ever
since I had realized that Rei was gone for good, I had kept visiting
empty apartments one after another.

>>>Shinji: No squatters or bums?

>>>Rei: They are converted into soilent green in case Nerv's supply lines are cut.

>>>Touji: Soilent green is made out of people! people I tell you people!

While the explosion of Unit-00 had destroyed most of Tokyo-3, a good
number of buildings had only been damaged in the blast. However, they
had been condemned, as some were in precarious shape. This apartment
complex was one of those buildings.
Technically, we were prohibited from going inside those buildings,
but there were no security forces to prevent anyone to do so. NERV
didn't have the resources. And apparently, no one really cared much as
none of the security officers watching over me from the shadows made a
move to stop me.

>>>Rei: Why don't they prevent that 'woman' from going into the male baths?

>>>Kensuke: Male fanservice.

If they were unsafe, these buildings could also make excellent
places for someone to hide. Someone who wanted to run away from this
life. Someone like Asuka.
It had been confirmed that Asuka hadn't taken a train to leave the
city. So only two options remained. Either she had left by foot, but in
this case she would have been located easily, or she had never left at
all and simply hid somewhere, most likely in one of those abandoned
buildings.

>>>Kensuke: You mean she'd shut up long enough for search parties to leave?

>>>Asuka: Shove it stooge.

And while a good portion of Tokyo-3 had been destroyed, there
were still enough of those damaged buildings standing for people to
search for her for weeks and never find her if she didn't want to be
found.

>>>Asuka: Add to that all my skill and training.

>>>Hikari: You've trained to hide?

This evaluation of the situation was rather grim, but I refused to
just give up. That small hope was all I had left. And if I didn't find
her for my sake, I needed to at least find her for hers. Who could tell
if what was left of Tokyo-3 wouldn't be destroyed in the next Angel
attack?

>>>Shinji: But hell, in my state I'll lose and all humanities doomed anyway.

>>>Touji: Find that silver lining.

I moved on to the next apartment. The door was already opened, which
could be a good sign. An open door meant it would have been easy for
Asuka to go in and choose this place to hide. I knew from recent
experience that breaking through a locked door wasn't simple.
My hopes plummeted when I noticed the state of the apartment. It had
suffered heavily from the explosion.

>>>Touji: Dead bodies everywhere.

>>>Shinji: I'm going to have nightmares for weeks now.

One wall, as well as part of the
ceiling, was missing. There was debris all over the floor. Looking
around, I noticed that the contents of the fridge seemed mostly rotten.
The water didn't work anymore. The water that filled the bathroom's
bathtub probably came from the last rain. I doubted that Asuka would
have chosen this place to live in.
"You are looking for the Second Children, aren't you?"

>>>Shinji: No the Dahli Lamba.

>>>Asuka: Why do people ask such pointless questions?

My heart skipped a beat, not expecting to hear this voice here. I
turned around to see Nagisa in what had probably been this place's
living room. She raised a hand that held a brown paper bag.
"A meal for you. I figured you would be hungry, since I did not find
you at the cafeteria."
I suddenly remembered that I had said I would accompany her there...
that is, before she touched Rei's cross...

>>>Kensuke: They cruxified Ayanami?

>>>Rei: No, I gave the silver body adornment to him.

>>>Hikari: It's called a necklace.

"It is not home cooked. I did not have the time. I am sorry."
I looked at the girl again. She seemed very serious. In fact... she
looked a lot like Ayanami usually did. I couldn't help but worry a bit.
"I give you my apologies. I did not know about the cross. I just...
wanted to take a better look at it."

>>>Hikari: And for that you'll never be forgiven.

>>>Touji: Never look at somebody elses things.

I remembered the way I had yelled at her. I... I probably
overreacted.
"Thank you. For the meal."
I didn't want to apologize. After all, she had touched my things
without permission...
My things... since when did I consider the cross mine? Obviously,
Rei had intended it to be mine, but... it just didn't feel right.
I didn't apologize. But that didn't mean I had to stay angry with
her. Her eyes seemed to light up as she noticed my change of expression,
as I relaxed and stopped looking at her with a frown on my face.

>>>Kensuke: He's in love.

>>>Shinji: Why, I'm simply not frowning.

>>>Asuka/Rei: That's how you look at me!

"My pleasure," she replied, her usual smile back on her face.
The situation still felt awkward however. With this girl, I was
never sure how to act and I sure didn't know what to say.

>>>Asuka: "Go away" seems good.

>>>Rei: "Leave me alone" would also work.

>>>Touji: I like "Let's have a lil date!"

So I took the
bag she was handing me, walked toward what was left of the kitchen and
swept the debris lying on a table as well as two wooden chairs. In
silence, I invited her to join me.
The meal she had given me was simple, a single pork sandwich and a
bottle of orange juice, but the way my stomach suddenly made itself
heard, it was welcome. I hadn't realized I was this hungry.
I took a bite, finding the sandwich far tastier than I usually would
have, when she spoke again.

>>>Shinji: Hunger is the best spice.

>>>Asuka: How hungery would you need to be to like Misato's food?

>>>Shinji: Near death.

"Do you really think you will find her?"
I took the time to chew before answering. Fact was... I kept asking
myself the same question.
"I don't know. If she doesn't want to be found, I doubt I will."
"So you hope that she will see you and will come back."
The girl was either very good at reading people, or else my hopes
were painfully obvious.

>>>All: The latter.

>>>Shinji: They are not!

"Yes."
She frowned, obviously in thought.
"You contradict yourself. You wish to escape pain by avoiding
contact with others, yet you wish to find the one responsible for the
pain that is tearing you apart."
"It's not only Asuka's fault..."

>>>Kensuke: He's going to blaim himself.

>>>Asuka: If he was more supportive of me that wouldn't have happend.

No, it wasn't only Asuka. So many things... the Angels... Father...
me...
"Yet she hurt you."
"Yes."
"And you wish to see her again?"
"Yes."
"Even if it means being hurt again?"

>>>Shinji: It's all part of knowing her.

>>>Asuka: WHAT WAS THAT!

>>>Rei: The truth.

>>>Shinji: One I don't mind.

>>>Touji/Kensuke: Masocist.

I didn't know what to think. She was right, I knew it. I had decided
to avoid this girl because I wanted to avoid being hurt by another
friendship that would inevitably bring pain. Yet, I had tried to find
out if Ayanami remembered me. And here I was, looking for Asuka.
"... yes."
"Then, why won't you open yourself to others?"
"I... I don't know..."

>>>Kensuke: He's an idiot.

>>>Rei: No, faithful.

>>>Touji: Same thing.

A heavy silence followed. She didn't say more, as it wasn't
necessary. I could guess her silent question. If in truth you don't mind
being hurt again by these girls, why do you keep pushing me away?
Maybe because... I loved them, I realized. Was this what love was
about? Enduring pain, for the sake of those we loved, to be with those
we loved?

>>>Shinji: Love makes no sense.

>>>Rei: Love is pain...why is it sought after?

>>>Asuka: Because sometimes pain is good.

>>>Kensuke: They're all screwed up.

Rei killed herself, because she loved me. Did Asuka run away
because she believed I would be happier without her? If so, wasn't she
hurting herself as much as she was, without knowing, hurting me? If
so... maybe love was more of a curse than a blessing...
As I thought about the relations I once had with two very important
girls, I wondered about something...
"Nagisa, you're... you're always nice to me. Why? Why do you keep
trying to be my friend?"

>>>Kensuke: Because pilots are messed up.

>>>Touji: She's some freaky monster thing.

>>>Rei: 'I think I will request mother make the 17th a male.'

"Making people smile brings me happiness. But it saddens me to see
such a pure heart being so heavy with sorrow, guilt and despair. I want
to learn more about you, so I can understand your pain, and make you
smile again."
"You... want to see me smile?"
This moment... if felt so familiar...
'I am sorry. I do not know what to feel at times like this...'
'I think... you should smile...'
Had I become... like Rei had been?

>>>Hikari: Living togther has odd effects.

>>>Asuka: I'm going to become obsessed with cleaning and cooking!

>>>Shinji: I'm going to wear my underwear as cloths and drink all the time!!

When was the last time I had actually smiled?
"Yes."
"Why? Why me? There are a lot of people who are unhappy? Why choose
me over them? Why not Misato? Or better yet, that man who used to be my
father?"
Unconsciously, I shuddered at the thought of seeing the Commander
smile. But in a way... it was also an appealing image.

>>>Asuka: He's snapped.

>>>Hikari: If he smiles, Kami-sama knows we won't like the reason.

I sighed. I couldn't believe I still had some hopes for him. Didn't
I ever learn?
"Because you are worthy of love."
I gave her a puzzled look. What did she mean by that? She seemed to
have read my mind as she answered the unspoken question
"I mean, I love you."

>>>Asuka/Rei: NO NO NO NO NO NO HELL NO!!

>>>Shinji: How did that happen?

I froze. This girl... just had said she loved me. I felt myself
panicking. Not a third time... I wondered if running away could get me
out of this...
"No..."
I suddenly stiffened when I felt her hands touching mine. My first
instinct was to pull them away, but the touch was warm...
"This is what you want, isn't it? You only want to be loved."

>>>Shinji: Is that so wrong?

>>>Asuka: I'm not dead you BAKA!

>>>Rei: I am going to be normal soon!

>>>Hikari: Maybe Mega-playboy is an accurate description.

It was true, wasn't it? Ever since I had left my old life, safe from
the outside world, I had craved for acceptance. Father. Misato. My
friends. Rei. Asuka. And love was even more than acceptance...
"Yes."
"But you do not think you are worthy of love."
"All those I loved were hurt..."
"A single man cannot control the destiny of others."
I knew it made sense, but...

>>>Shinji: Father's doing a good job of doing it.

>>>Asuka: Sick bastard, playing with his 'chess' pieces.

"I came here hoping to find a father who had abandoned me. I only
found a heartless man. Then, I made friends and met two wonderful girls.
I nearly killed my best friend. One girl I loved forgot all about me.
The other ran away. I also met a man that I admired, that was like the
father I wished I had. He died. Isn't it natural to fear that if I make
new friends I'll end up being hurt again?

>>>Shinji: And don't patronize me!

>>>Kensuke: Well then, yeah it's most likely going to happen.

I don't want to be hurt again..."
"This is not what you said earlier. You did not mind if the Second
Children were to hurt you again. I ask you, what do you fear the most?
Pain or loneliness?"
Such a question... I realized I didn't know the answer.
I finally moved my hands and looked elsewhere. I couldn't stare at
her any longer. I was getting more and more confused.

>>>Hikari: I'm long past confused.

>>>Touji: I just like looking at the pretty pictures and nudity.

>>>Asuka: I understand this...thing.

"It's getting late. It would be dangerous to keep searching in the
dark. We should go back to our homes."
I'm not sure what exactly came over me. Maybe it was the clear
disappointment in her voice. But I suddenly felt like taking a risk. I
had to do it.
"Would you still like to hear me play... Kaoru?"
"I would like it very much... Shinji-kun."
She smiled. I smiled back. I had forgotten how it felt. It was a
warm feeling.
So we left and made our way toward my apartment.

>>>Shinji: I get it, she becomes my friend and the angel kills her.

>>>Rei: Let us hope you only become friends, because...

>>>Asuka: If you do anything 'odd' you'll need to be punished.

>>>Shinji: 'Great, I'm dead I can tell.'

* * *

I tried not to look disappointed when I looked at Kaoru. She was
sitting on her knees, straight, but eyes closed. My guess was that she
had fallen asleep. Her face was an almost expression of calm and
serenity, only perturbed by a small yet blissful smile. She didn't seem
to have a care in the world. It just seemed impossible to me that
someone in this world could look this happy.

>>>Kensuke: Or are you disappointed because you can't get the freak on?

>>>Hikari: That would be in poor taste.

As I finished my performance, her eyes opened, showing that she had
in fact been quite awake.
"You music was excellent and delightful. Thank you, Shinji-kun. I
have enjoyed every moment of it."
She emphasized her words by actually clapping her hands slightly.

>>>Shinji: She...likes my playing? 'smiles.'

>>>Asuka: What the...

I blushed in embarrassment. I wasn't used to receiving praise about
my music. I knew that Asuka and Rei had seemed to like it that time I
played for both of them, but we never really discussed it. While I knew
I lacked practice and that my playing was far from perfect, I feared
hearing negative comments.
"You should not keep this talent only to yourself. You should play
for the world to hear you."

>>>Shinji: Nobody would want to hear my sucky playing.

>>>Asuka: Not if you have that attitude.

My blush increased.
"Kaoru... I... I'm not that good..."
"You are. You just lack confidence."
I gasped at those words... knowing deep down that they were true.

>>>Kensuke: Don't be so humble Shinji.

"And next time, you should play a more cheerful tune. It might ease
the pain in your heart."
"Thank you... Kaoru."
She shook her head.
"No. Thank *you*, Shinji-kun. It has been a real pleasure to hear
you play. I greatly appreciate your inviting me in your home and opening
yourself to me."
"Well... err..."

>>>Touji: YEAH! and Shin-man is at the plate.

>>>Kensuke: Will he hit yet another home-run?

I didn't really know what to say. Was that really what I was doing?
Opening up to her?
The next moments felt really awkward, as I suddenly didn't know what
to say or do.
"It is getting late. Maybe I should go back to my apartment."
Obviously, the girl had noticed that I still didn't feel at ease in
her presence.
"It might be a good idea..."

>>>Shinji: But so late?

>>>Rei: She will either stay, or ask to be walked home.

Very inconveniently, as Kaoru prepared to go, the sound of thunder
made itself heard outside. As I looked toward the balcony, I realized it
was raining really heavily. I looked at Kaoru. She only wore her white
sundress and a pair of light summer shoes.

>>>Kensuke: GO WITH HER!! WHITE IS THE BEST COLOR!!

>>>Touji: Do it! Do it!

>>>Hikari: Don't use those words..please!!

>>>Asuka and Rei begin to see red as the scene unfolds.

With the destruction of most
Tokyo-3, there were no taxis left in town. If she went out in such a
weather, she would get drenched and probably get sick.
I sighed, as I realized I couldn't, in any good conscience, let her
go.
"I guess... you could sleep here." I thought a bit and reluctantly,
I added, "Asuka's room is free... you can sleep in her bed... as long as
you don't touch anything in her room."
The girl nodded.

>>>Shinji: I have to keep my obsessiveness in tact.

>>>Asuka: My ROOM!

>>>Rei: Wouldn't that in fact be my room?

"You are keeping it as it was in case she comes back, are you not?"
This time, I nodded.
"It is a bit early to sleep yet. Perhaps you could use this time to
tell me about you and the other Children... if it is not too painful..."
"No, it's okay."

>>>Shinji: One ran away, one doesn't know me, and I maimed the other.

Strangely, it was. It felt really good to be able to talk to someone
about the girls and how I felt. I told her all about Rei and Asuka, how
I met them, how our relations came to be more then simple co-workers and
friends. She asked a lot of questions about our relationship. She even
asked if I've had sex with them, which I answered with a blush. I
quickly tried to change the subject.

>>>Rei: Such a description.

>>>Asuka: Remind me never to trust you with a secret.

>>>Shinji: I didn't say anything!

>>>Kensuke: Turning as red as a mail box was an answer. ( In Japan mail boxes are red!!)

"Why did you come to NERV? I mean... you knew what happened to the
others pilots..."
"It was my purpose."
"Your purpose?"
"Yes. I came here because there is something here I must do. A need
that needs to be filled, that I cannot resist, otherwise it may
eventually consume me."
"Oh..."

>>>Asuka: She made a heroic act sound pathetic.

>>>Shinji: If I follow the orders, isn't that allowing it to consume me?

So that's why she accepted to pilot EVA? It was rather vague. And, I
didn't know why, it sounded disturbing.
"Why do you pilot, Ikari-kun?"

>>>Touji: To pick up chicks!

I winced at the question. I had heard it before, and had never been
able to give a straight answer, because my reason kept changing all the
time. Finally, I just sighed and just did what seemed to work before:
tell how I felt about it.
"I... I'm not really sure anymore. The first time I piloted was to
save Rei's life. Then, I piloted because I was told so. I also sought to
gain the respect of my father, to let him know that I existed.

>>>Shinji: What good it did me.

>>>Kensuke: Got Touji selected as a pilot.

>>>Shinji/Touji: KENSUKE!

I never
found what I was looking for. Later, I realized that I should pilot to
protect those I loved. But in the end, I lost them anyway. Now... I
guess I only seek closure. One more Angel, one last time."
Kaoru's eyes narrowed, a serious expression was set on her face.

>>>Asuka: She's an angel, the bitch is an angel!

>>>Hikari: Why do you say that?

"I see. And what will you do once this last Angel is defeated?"
"If I'm still alive... I guess I'll try to find another reason to
live..."
We both suddenly because silent. It was slightly perturbing seeing
Kaoru not smiling...
"What does the cross you wear means to you?"
I pulled the silver cross from under the clothes that covered it and
stared at it.
"The cross was Rei's. She left it for me, before the Sixteenth Angel
battle. I guess she wanted me to have it. So I wear it."

>>>Shinji: Wow, I'm just killing all sentiment in this part.

>>>Rei: You wear it for no reason?

We kept talking for a while. I then spoke of my mother and father. I
also spoke of Misato and Kaji. While we talked, I later learned that
Kaoru never knew any parents.

>>>Asuka: And we all know what that means, we have another Wondergirl.

>>>Rei: She is not the same, she is evil.

At the time, I guessed that they must have
either abandoned her or must have died because of the Second Impact. It
was a subject she seemed uneasy about, she took her time to carefully
chose her words, so I decided not to push too much. Besides, it was
getting late. We had been talking for two hours now and we both decided
it was late enough to go to sleep. I showed her the way to Asuka's room,
then went to mine. Once I closed the door, I let out a long sigh and let
myself fall on the bed. I rolled on my back and found myself staring at
the ceiling, as I had done many times before.

>>>Shinji: I have actually counted the number of holes in the tiles.

She had been right. I was very slowly but surely opening up to her.
Was it a mistake? I wasn't sure. She seemed so nice, without malice.
How could she hurt me?

>>>Hikari: You are just to niave.

>>>Kensuke: Saying something like that is just begging for something nasty.

>>>Shinji: She is more like a goddess...than an girl. ( read the real author notes)

Like Rei and Asuka did, either by being taken away or by leaving.
But... tonight... for the first time in what seemed an eternity... I
had no longer felt alone. And... I didn't want to feel alone anymore.
Was that why I was opening to her? A girl I barely knew? Was I so
pathetic that anybody would do, as long as it made me forget this
loneliness in my heart?

>>>Shinji: I'm at one with my pathetic nature.

>>>Asuka: Wondergirl, one of us stays with him at all times.

>>>Rei: Agreed, or somebody will attempt to 'replace' us.

What did I truly feared more? Pain or loneliness?
Then, a thought occurred to me. A very disturbing thought. Was this
fear of loneliness behind the reason I postponed my choice between Rei
and Asuka for so long?

>>>Kensuke: No, that was playing both sides of the field.
* * *

I was sitting on a chair, in a dark room. The only light was a light
that surrounded me, making a small circle of at most two meters in
diameter around me. Everything else was pitch black, I couldn't see
where the light came from. I didn't know how I ended up there. All I
knew was that I was scared. Not of this unusual environment. It was
something else. An overpowering sense of dread. Something was about to
happen.

>>>Rei: You awaken from the dream?

>>>Shinji: Why can't I get sleep.

And it did. And it was worse than anything I could have thought of.
Images appeared before me. They did not come from a projector, or
appear on a screen, they just were. But I did not wonder about their
origins. I felt myself shaking as I recognized the images.
Unit-01, trying to battle the Sixteenth Angel. It was a scene that
was engraved in the very core of my being. As it melted the armor of
Unit-01, it let go of the giant worm of light.

>>>Kensuke: Looks like a piece of noodle.

>>>Shinji: We talked about this already.

It prepared to dodge a
new attack when suddenly, the worm froze. On the other side of the
Angel, Unit-00 rolled into a ball around the part of the Angel that was
connected to it.
"No!"
I didn't want to see what was coming next. So I closed my eyes.
But then I heard the words.
'Rei! Do what Misato says!'
'It is too late...'
'Rei!!!'
I opened my eyes to see Unit-01 run toward Unit-00. But I already
knew that it wouldn't reach it in time.

>>>Shinji: Even in my dreams I'm a failure.

>>>Hikari: You really need to lighten up.

'Shinji... Whatever happens... never forget... that I love you.'
'NO! Rei! Don't do this! REI!!!'
'I love you...'
I was blinded by the explosion of Unit-00, then the images
disappeared and everything went black again.
"You let me die."
"Rei!"

>>>Shinji: Oh goody, more abuse and self-loathing.

>>>Rei: You deserve part of it for your flirting.

I turned around to see Rei, standing behind me, dressed in her
school uniform as always. She was the only thing I could see in the
darkness.
"After the Fifteenth Angel, you swore that you wouldn't let another
Angel hurt us, but you failed to protect me and so I had to die."
"I did all that I could!"
"No, you did not. You could have destroyed it."
"Attacking it was hurting you!"
"You acted the same way you did with the Thirteenth Angel. You
feared to hurt us, so you let us die instead. I was not as lucky as
Suzuhara-kun."

>>>Touji: She's going right for the throat!

>>>Kensuke: And the verbal assult continues!

>>>Rei: I am skilled at....verbal assult?

There, she had said it. A thought that had been hunting me ever
since that day, something I refused to face, even think about. Maybe
attacking the Angel would have hurt her, but in the end, it may just
have saved her life.
"No... I... Rei... I..."
I tried to look away. She just appeared before me, now dressed in
plug suit, her skin covered by injuries that had no doubt been caused by
the Sixteenth Angel.
"You killed me."
"Rei!"

>>>Asuka: You have the oddest dreams.

>>>Shinji: Tell me about it, my teacher's dog still haunts my dreams.

I leapt toward her, trying to reach for her, lost, confused, filled
with guilt. However, when the tip of my fingers touched her, her whole
body burst into flame. I saw her skin become as black as coal, then
quickly melt off her charred bones, which themselves soon were nothing
more than black ash that disappeared into the darkness.

>>>Hikari: That's going to make me sick.

>>>Shinji: OH KAMI-SAMA!

>>>Asuka: How would you like your wondergirl today, fried or baked?

"Rei! Rei!"
I fell on the floor, weeping.
"You never loved me. You only loved her."

>>>Shinji: HELL NO!

>>>Touji: And it's round two!!

>>>Shinji: I want normal dreams!

I looked up in shock, to see Asuka looking down at me, her face
streaked with tears. Her school uniform was dirty and slightly torn. She
was pale, she seemed to have lost some weight and dark circles under her
eyes showed that she was close to exhaustion.

>>>Shinji: How do I know she's not living happily back in Germany or something?

>>>Asuka: That would be thinking positively and you're not to good at that.

She didn't seem angry, however her gaze was cold as ice and showed how serious
she had been in saying those words.
"That's not true Asuka! I love you!"
"You never showed it."

>>>Shinji: Like fun I don't!

>>>Touji: Shin-man..its a movie, don't get so emotional.

>>>Pilots: 'Right, just a movie.'

She would not have hurt me more had she stabbed me with a knife.
"But I do love you! Wasn't that night proof enough?"
"You only took pity on me. Besides, it must have been only one more
quick fuck for you.

>>>Touji: It's part of being a player.

>>>Shinji: SHUT UP! I'd never...use a person like that.

>>>Asuka/Rei smile lightly: 'Good, otherwise have to skin him.'

You had sex with Rei before. I could tell. You knew
too much. How to touch me at the right places, how to pleasure me. How
gentle you were so that you wouldn't hurt me too much. You betrayed my
trust."

>>>Hikari: So you'd have rather he suck at it and do something wrong?

>>>Asuka: Hikari how..how can you say that?

>>>Rei: She asked you a question.

>>>Touji: So how's it feel being a womans play thing.

>>>Shinji: I feel cheap.

I gasped. She knew...
"Asuka... I... I... I really love you..."
"It doesn't matter. You love her also."
"But she's dead!"
"So you want me to replace her? To take her place in your bed?"
"No! No... that's... that's not it... I... I..."

>>>Shinji: So my love is pointless?

>>>Asuka: It's your dream, you're the one being harsh.

>>>Touji: This is getting really really complicated again.

Deep down, I knew that she was right. It was unfair of me to just
seek her love this way since Rei's wasn't available anymore. Switching
from one another... it was wrong. I had been wrong from the start...

>>>Rei: So you love me more then.

>>>Asuka: How do you get that!

>>>Rei: If he had to switch from me to you, he had to initially be with me.

>>>Hikari: That makes logical sense.

>>>Asuka: Since when was love logical?

"It's too late. I'll be leaving now."
Asuka reached for something in her pocket and pulled out a long
kitchen knife. I watched in horror as she applied the blade to her
wrist.
"I'll never bother you again. Ever."
My God!
"No!"

>>>Shinji covers his mouth: Oh..man thats morbid.

>>>Kensuke: Never thought I'd see anything near that wrong.

Before I could even move, the blade slid neatly and deeply through
the skin and flesh, severing veins and letting her life blood flow
freely out of her body, into the darkness.
"Asuka!"
As I touched her, trying to grab her wrist to stop the blood flow,
her hole body erupted in a shower of hot blood, covering me from head to
toe.
I screamed.

>>>Shinji screamed.

>>>Asuka looked dead pan.

>>>Touji: KICK ASS SPECIAL AFFECTS!!

>>>Kensuke: Does a body have that much blodd in it?
* * *

I jumped awake, in a state between dream and awareness, fearing the
darkness of my room. I panicked, as I realized I could barely move; in
my nightmare, I had managed to entangle myself in my own bed sheets. I
was feeling like a trapped animal. I tried to pull my self out, trying
to kick the sheets out of the way, struggling to free my arms, panting
and crying. I didn't stop once I was finally freed.

>>>Shinji: So much for those sheets.

>>>Asuka: Where you get the strenth to do that?

I only stopped when
I felt two hands grab my arms, someone's chest lay against my back and a
hot breath on my neck. I nearly went berserk again, fear taking control
of my mind when I heard the soft, soothing words.
"It is okay. It is over. There is nothing to fear. You are awake
now."

>>>Asuka: She...she's.

>>>Rei: In his bed.

The words cut through the fog of my mind. Dream. It had all been a
dream. No... a nightmare.
I realized I was sitting on my bed, my shirt almost soaked through
with sweat, two arms now holding me tight. Then, memories of the dream
crashed down over me. I barely suppressed the tears that threatened to
overcame me.
"Shinji-kun. Do not do this to yourself."

>>>Touji: Why not ask the sun to stop shining.

>>>Kensuke: Or Americans not to shoot things.

I turned my head to look toward Kaoru. She had a sad look on her
face. In fact, I was surprised to see a tear silently make its way down
her ivory white skin. Part of my mind noted that she was actually naked,
but at that moment, it seemed like the least significant thing in the
world.

>>>Shinji: What type of girl is she?

>>>Asuka: Urge to kill, rising.

>>>Touji: I'll not get tired of that.

"So much pain and sadness. Do not keep it inside you. It is alright
to cry. Let it all out. Let it out."
I looked at those tear filled red eyes.

>>>Shinji: In the darkness of my room?

>>>Kensuke: You have good night eyes?

Tears that she shed because
she could feel the depth of my pain. That was all it took. I cried
again, this time against her chest, crying all the tears that were left
inside me.

>>>Kensuke: Her ample chest.

>>>Touji: Her exposed ample chest.

>>>Asuka: Ayanami switch places with me now.

>>>Shinji: But doesn't that AAAHHHHHHH!

>>>The girls switch places using their arms and the cuffs as a suffocation device.

>>>Touji: Ouch.

>>>Shinji: S..S..So..rry?

I cried for a while. I don't know how long. But the whole time, she
held me tight, telling me words that I didn't really understand; it
didn't matter, the sound of her voice brought me comfort. Once my
sobbing had receded, she proceeded to remove the T-shirt I was wearing,
saying that I should not sleep in such sweaty clothes.

>>>Rei: She mearly wanted to remove your cloths.

>>>Hikari: She has her eyes on the prize.

I didn't stop
her, I felt drained. As if I was a child, she had me lie in bed and
adjusted the covers, so that I would be warm. Then, she bent over me and
kissed my forehead, a gesture I had not seen in many years, not ever
since my mother's disappearance. She would probably have left, had I not
grabbed her wrist.
"Don't leave me alone. Please... I'm scared... I don't want to be
alone..."

>>>Asuka: Oh baka...'her voice actually soft.'

>>>Touji: That is a new pick up line?

>>>Shinji: If girls are attaracted to a miserable pathetic site.

She smiled and took her place under the covers by my side. Then, she
wrapped me with her arms and held me tightly.
"Thank you..."
As we laid there, I felt at peace. Her naked body felt warm and
comfortable against my bare back, her hold on me... safe.

>>>Asuka: HENTAI!!

>>>Shinji now seeing spots.

>>>Kensuke: It's not 'all' his fault.

Soon, I was able to find sleep again, but this time, I only had
wonderful dreams.
In retrospect, as I looked back at that night, I learned a lot...

>>>Rei: I learned how to apply body heat.

>>>Shinji: I learned that my dreams are the scariest things imaginable.

>>>Touji/Kensuke: We're learning how to pick up sensitive girls.
* * *

I woke up to realize that something was missing.

>>>Touji: Your kidney!

>>>Hikari: Your wallet?

>>>Shinji: MY SDAT!

It took me a while
to realize exactly what. Only once I remembered the events of the night
before did I understood what it was. Kaoru was gone.

>>>Rei: What were those events?

>>>Asuka: Do I see a collor in your future?

I got up and looked around the apartment. No trace of her. I looked
outside. It was still in the middle of the night, so she probably had
just left. It was probably what had woken me up.
She had been so nice to me, despite all my efforts to push her away.
I regretted having acted this way. She deserved more.
'Because you are worthy of love.'
'I mean, I love you.'
She said she loved me. And she had showed it. I felt grateful,
but... I didn't think I could return that feeling one day. She didn't,
however, seem to be asking for anything in return, except that I open up
to her.

>>>Shinji: Kinda hard not to, she's so nice and caring.

>>>Kensuke: It's just how a woman confuses you.

And I realized I felt like doing so. Back in my mind, a voice was
trying to warn me that I was taking too greater a risk. I ignored it.
Until I could know if I was ready for more, if I could feel more, I
would from now on consider Nagisa Kaoru only as a friend.
'If she's your friend, then why did she leave so suddenly, without a
word?'

>>>Shinji: Forget something?

>>>Touji: Her birthcontrol pill.

>>>Hikari hits his knee: Touji stop that.

Again, I ignored that part of my mind. If I listened to it, I would
forever be alone. So I concentrated on more urgent matters. I headed
toward the bathroom.
My cell phone chose that precise moment to burst into life. Annoyed,
I just ignored it and went on my way. Now that I had decided to go to
the bathroom, I had realized just how much I needed to go. It kept
beeping. A let out a sigh of frustration, and went to pick it up. It had
better be urgent...

>>>Shinji: If it's to urgent thought...

>>>Asuka: You'll wet yourself.

"Hello?"
"Shinji!" said a voice I recognized as Hyuuga's. "About time! Where
are you?"
"Home..."
"Good! I'm sending Security to pick you up! Get ready!"

>>>Shinji: Kami-sama what now, the American's going to kill us?

>>>Asuka: No Germany!

The communication ended. That was odd. Such urgency. This could
really mean only one thing. The Seventeenth Angel.
Finally!
I rushed to put some clothes up, after a quick trip to the bathroom,
and was out of the apartment, where I met two Security agents. They
wasted no time in telling me "Follow us." which I did.

>>>Rei: He knows the way.

>>>Kensuke: He could try to run away again.

I was driven very quickly to headquarters. Time seemed to be of the
essence, which strengthened my conviction that this was an Angel attack,
even if this time, the city sirens were silent.

>>>Shinji: Massive blackouts tend to do that.

So as soon as I reached
NERV Headquarters, I ran toward the locker room and hurried to put my
plugsuit on. I only hesitated when came the time to put my neural
interfaces. I looked at them for a second, then put them back into the
locker and picked up a pair of familiar red neural interfaces instead...

>>>Rei: Those are configured for Sohryu only.

>>>Hikari: It's the thought that counts.

>>>Kensuke: Well that thought is going to kill humanity.
* * *

I gasped as Misato's short briefing ended. I felt as if my heart had
been crushed inside my chest.
Kaoru... an Angel... no, it couldn't be...

>>>Shinji: WHAT THE HELL IS KAMI-SAMA'S PROBLEM!!!

>>>Touji: You just can't have normal friends can you.

Not Kaoru. She was so gentle... she had nothing in common with those
monsters.
"That's not true... that can't be true..."

>>>Shinji: But of course it is, betrayed AGAIN!!

>>>Rei: The bitch.

>>>Asuka: Why can't I be the one to mash her.

But the way she acted when I mentioned killing the last Angel...
"It is. You must kill it."
Kill Kaoru... kill her?
"No."
I shut down the EVA. I knew that the people in the Control room were
probably struggling to reactivate it, but they wouldn't succeed.
"Shinji! What are you doing?!" Misato seemed to be panicking.
"You will reactivate Unit-01 immediately."
Strangely, to me, the voice of the Commander didn't seem to carry as
much power anymore.

>>>Shinji: Maybe it's the extreme hatred?

>>>Rei: The continual abandonment and lies would also factor in.

"What for? To go down there and kill my friend?"
My friend... Yes, Kaoru was my friend. But... she had said she loved
me. How could that be if she was an Angel? Could she had lied to me? Did
it really matter? I thought back at the events of the day before, how
good it had felt to be with her. How I felt no longer lonely.

>>>Hikari: I wonder if it's possible for angels to really be like that.

>>>Asuka: Shinji, you have the WORST luck I've ever seen.

Her nature didn't matter, I decided.
Besides... there was no way I could kill another human being in cold
blood.
Even if it was also an Angel.

>>>Kensuke: If it's an angel, it's not a human.

>>>Rei: And me?

>>>Kensuke: You're not a FULL angel right?

>>>Rei: I cannot answer that, classified.

"Correct."
"Damn you! You hurt Touji! You let Asuka suffer! You took Rei from
me! And now you want me to kill Kaoru? You heartless son of a bitch! If
it wasn't my mother's name, I'd be ashamed of being called Ikari!"
There was a deadly silence after I said those words. I was stunned
myself. Where did these words come from? Ikari was not... the name of my
father? How could I know that?

>>>Shinji: The constant contact with mother couldn't hurt.

>>>Touj: You just have to know everything don't you.

Not that it really mattered.
"I won't kill Kaoru... I won't..."
"Then everyone will die."
There wasn't as much assurance in the Commander's voice then usual.
But I didn't notice.
"I don't care... maybe it will be better this way..."
The following silence was broken by the voice of Hyuuga.
"Target passing the third level!"
"Shinji! I... I don't want to die..."
Misato?
"Don't you want the pain to end, Misato-san?"
"I don't want to die... because... because... I'm... I'm
pregnant..."

>>>Touji/Kensuke: NO!!!!!!!!!!!

>>>Asuka/Hikari: Serves her right for acting like that!

>>>Touji: Hopefully it's Shinji's, that'd shut you up!

I gasped and I heard similar reactions over the comm. system.
"I'm carrying Kaji's child... I don't want it to die..."
Misato pregnant? Kaji's child? This brought back some sense into me.
All of a sudden, Unit-01 activated. But I hadn't willed it to. And I
knew it wasn't NERV's doing.
"Mother... " I whispered, before sighing slightly. "All right, we'll
go..."

>>>Shinji: And that's it, I lost my mind.

>>>Rei: No matter, you are not in control anyway.

I didn't want to do it. But I didn't have a choice. Maybe I would
find some other way if I could reach Kaoru.
"Evangelion Unit-01 launch!" I finally shouted, as I went after my
friend.

* * *

Following instructions, I quickly moved the EVA toward a shaft that
seemed to go down *very* deep. I couldn't see the bottom. It didn't
matter. Without giving it an extra thought, I jumped.

>>>Touji: How fast will an Eva fall?

>>>Kensuke: With it's weight, fast enough to make Shin-paste.

I fell very quickly and soon saw Unit-02, slowly floating down.
Kaoru floated at it's side. I never really stopped to wonder *how* she
and Unit-02 could actually float.
"Kaoru!"
As I got close to it, Unit-01 and Unit-02's hand locked together,
getting into combat position, the two giants struggling for dominance. I
only realized later that I stopped falling and floated down along with
Unit-02.
"I have been waiting for you, Shinji-kun."

>>>Rei: Why didn't I kill her yet?

>>>Hikari: You have no will of your own right now.

I didn't also ponder on how it was possible for me to hear her voice
inside the entry plug. I was hearing it and that fact alone was good
enough for me.
What I did notice however was the expression on her face. The happy
smile was gone. It was a cold expression. One I would mainly associate
with Ayanami.
"Why Kaoru?! Why are you doing this? Did you betray me?! You said
you loved me... was it just so that you could manipulate me like
everyone does?!"

>>>Asuka: Of course that's why, she's an evil angel!

>>>Shinji: But she's so nice..WHY Damnit, why can't I have friends that don't
>>> either die, leave, or betray me!

>>>Kensuke: Kami-sama's whipping boy.

"No Shinji-kun. My feelings are genuine. But this is something I
must do."
"Kaoru! No! You... you can't be an Angel..."
"EVA is made of the same body as mine. Because I am also the natus
de Adamo.

>>>Touji: She's an American Pizza chain?

>>>Asuka: That's "Domino."

When the unit does not have a soul, I can unite. The soul of
this unit is shutting itself away now. I can use it as I wish."
"Kaoru!"
At that moment, I knew that whatever I would say, she wouldn't
listen.
She was an Angel.
If she had something to do, the same applied to me.
"I'm sorry, Asuka..."
Unit-01's left shoulder storage compartment opened to reveal it's
progressive knife. Unit-02 did the same. Both EVAs took their own
progressive knife. I soon found myself not attacking like I had planned,
but rather defending myself. The two blades met, unleashing a shower of
sparkling energy. Using more strength, both blades were suddenly thrown
off balance. I gasped in horror as I noticed that my blade was aiming
right toward Kaoru. I was shocked to see the blade being stopped a meter
from her by an AT Field.

>>>Asuka: Why is it bad to kill the angel?

>>>Kensuke: He's Shinji, do you need to ask?

>>>Asuka: I'm surprized you're not the vegetarian.

>>>Shinji: Killing is just so..so..wrong.

"AN AT FIELD?!?!"
"Yes. You Lilims call it so. The holy region that must not be
invaded by anyone. The light of mind. You, Lilims, are aware of that,
aware that the so-called 'AT Field' is the wall of mind that everyone
has."
I didn't understand, and didn't care.

>>>Shinji: Doctor Akagi will explain it to me later anyway, she always does.

>>>Touji: She does, does she? Play doctor as well?

>>>Shinji: She 'is' my doctor.

>>>Kensuke sighs: Dense.

I yelped, as I felt a sudden sharp pain in my chest. Unit-02 had
just stabbed Unit-01 in the chest. I retaliated, plunging my own knife
into its neck, the tip of the blade exiting on the other side.

>>>Shinji/Hikari: EW!

Unit-01 and Unit-02 struggled for a few seconds. I gritted my teeth
as I felt the pain of Unit-02's progressive knife being pushed deeper
into Unit-01's chest.
Suddenly, we fell and hit the ground hard, our impact creating a
shower of dust and dirt. As I willed the stunned EVA to get in its feet,
I realized that Kaoru was floating away.
"Kaoru! Stop!"
I was about to go after her when I felt something lock the EVA's
left leg into place. Unit-02 had just grabbed it...

>>>Asuka: Why is Unit-02 so possesive?

>>>Rei: It's part of the O.S. for that system.

With a battle cry, I resumed my fight against Unit-02. Again, it
stabbed my chest, but this time, I shove my knife right into its head.
That didn't stop it like I had hoped. Suddenly, I felt something hitting
my EVA, something similar to a shock wave, but different.
"What the hell?!"
I then felt my adversary going completely limp. Either I had finally
stopped it, or Kaoru's control over it was gone. Whatever...
Slowly, I walked toward the destination where I had seen Kaoru go. I
wasn't that much in a hurry to confront her and my chest still hurt.

>>>Shinji: And the longer I wait, the long it takes for me to make a choice.

>>>Hikari: You really need to be more desisive.

I silently gasped as I saw Kaoru floating just in front of a white
giant, above a lake that looked suspiciously like LCL.

>>>Touji: That is hella ugly!

>>>Rei: It's a bag of blood.

I quickly forgot
about that scene as I extended my EVA's hand and grabbed Kaoru. Seeing a
hundred clones of your dead girlfriend tended to make such sights less
impressive.

>>>Rei: He said girlfriend.

>>>Kensuke: He made a choice!

>>>Asuka: That's null and void!

"I see you've defeated Unit-02. Thank you, Shinji-kun. I might have,
otherwise, lived with her."
"Kaoru, why?" I asked again, hoping to hear an answer that would
make my choice easier.
"I've been destined to live forever, even if humanity is annihilated
as a result.

>>>Shinji: Am I supposed to be impressed or saddend by that?

>>>Asuka: Does it matter, just squeeze.

However, I am able to die. To be or not to be. It makes no
difference to me. My death is the only absolute liberty."
I gasped. No...
"Kaoru! You can't... you can't be asking me to kill you? I won't...
I can't..."
"Shinji-kun... if I live, then all of humanity dies. If I die, then
you, and every other man, woman and children will have a chance to grasp
the future. And if you can succeed in facing the remaining trial that
awaits... then we may meet again someday."

>>>Shinji: Remaining trial?

>>>Rei: But that is the last angel.

>>>Hikari: If something didn't happen what would be on the last chapter?

"No! Surely... there's a way to avoid it. Come back with me. We
could go away. You could forget all about this. You don't have to do
this!!!"
"No, Shinji. My true name is Tabris. I am the Angel of Free Will.

>>>Kensuke: If it has free will, why can't it do what it wants?

>>>Rei: She is lying to herself, that is the reason.

>>>Touji: She was a stupid, stupid woman.

This is why I was given this form. Unlike my brothers, I could choose my
destiny, like you Lilims do everyday. But the price of free will is
responsibility. Once you make a choice, you cannot erase the past and
you must accept the consequences of your chosen path. I could no longer
resist the call of Adam, so I left the life of Nagisa Kaoru behind and
now, here we are. You chose to come here to stop me. Now is the time for
you to accept the outcome of your choice."
"Kaoru! I can't!"
"Please Shinji-kun. One must live and the other must die. You must
be the one to live. This is my wish. Shinji-kun... I am glad I met you.
You Lilims have short fragile lives, and so your emotions are very
strong. I can understand you better now, Shinji-kun. You are so
beautiful. Especially you, Shinji-kun. Your heart is so sensitive that
you are overwhelmed by the pain of existence. But do not forget that
there is more than pain. Do not fear to open yourself, mind, body, heart
and soul, to those you cherish.

>>>Asuka: For an angel, she's rather poetic.

>>>Hikari: That was so touching, but is it true?

>>>Shinji: Man's life is the persuit of that answer, and all have their own solution.

Even as their AT Field separates them
from each other, it is possible for two beings to connect. You Lilims
should not look any further; this the true instrumentality of
humankind."
"I... I don't understand what you're trying to say..."
"You will in time."

>>>Shinji: And I bet my father has some part in it.

>>>Kensuke: All evil genius's do.

>>>Touji: And he's a dumb bastard at times.

"Kaoru!"
"A few more words as parting gift. Shinji-kun, there are many ways
to love. It is possible to love two persons, in similar, yet different
ways.

>>>Hikari: Wonder what she's referring to.

>>>Asuka/Rei: What?

>>>Hikari: Sheesh, and you say Shinji's dense.

It is right. But for you to be truly happy, you must find the love
you hold dearest, which will make you feel complete. Do not hesitate. If
you keep loving them, they will not hate you. But for your own sake, you
must choose. Now... the time has come. You must do what needs to be
done, and do not let your heart be filled with guilt.

>>>Shinji: Kill and not feel guilty, a funny idea.

It is the right
thing to do, and your heart should not be destroyed as a result. Thank
you Shinji... farewell..."
She was smiling again.
The girl closed her eyes and awaited her fate.
No... not a girl... an Angel. That is, that's what I tried to
convince myself of. I closed my eyes and tried to remember all my
encounters with the Angels, all the times they had wreaked havoc in my
life.

>>>Touji: Fastest way to piss you off.

The First Angel. It had destroyed half of humanity. It had killed
Misato's father. Because of it, I eventually lost both my mother and
father.

>>>Rei: I am not against that angel as such.

>>>Asuka: WHAT WHY!

>>>Rei: If not for that angel are world would not be, nor would are relations.

The Third Angel. It nearly killed Rei. It tried to kill me, it hurt
me. It hurt Touji's sister.

>>>Touji: No, you hurt my sister.

>>>Shinji: How could I forget, thanks for the reminder.

The Fifth Angel. Rei nearly sacrificed herself to save me from it.
The Eighth Angel. I had barely saved Asuka that time.

>>>Asuka: You just played catcher 'winks at him.'

>>>Kensuke: Talk about ungrateful.

>>>Shinji knowing that wink just blushes.

The Thirteenth Angel. Touji had lost an arm and a leg because of it.
The Fourteenth Angel. It nearly killed Rei and Asuka.
The Fifteenth Angel. It raped Asuka's mind. She had left because of
it, I was sure.

>>>Asuka: No, I left because you dumped me on my head.

>>>Shinji: I'd still like to see that angel get sadumized by the devil.

The Sixteenth Angel. To kill it, Rei gave up her life.
Each time I remembered how an Angel had brought pain in our lives,
my anger rose. Enough to eventually forget the girl I had known as Kaoru
and in its place see a monster.

>>>Rei: The betraying woman.

>>>Kensuke: The hot one. Why couldn't all the angels have been babes like her?

I was so enraged that I don't recall willing the hand of Unit-01 to
close in on itself. I barely felt any resistance.
When I opened my eyes, the illusion faded. When I opened the EVA's
hand, I didn't see the remains of a monster. Only some red pulp. Blood.
My hands were truly covered in blood now.

>>>Touji: Oh man...is that her head?

>>>Shinji: That or a really big kidney stone I forced out of her.

>>>Asuka: That's just sick.

I had killed. But she had said it was the right thing to do. It
didn't make me feel any better.
I was still crying in silence when they pulled me out of the entry
plug...

>>>Shinji: The saviour of humanity or the slayer or innocent girls.

>>>Touji: Both.

>>>Hikari: How was she innocent?
* * *

Again, I stood in front of the Tokyo-3 lake.
Like I had promised myself, I had defeated the Seventeenth Angel.
But this victory hadn't brought me any joy.
I was now lonelier than I had been.
And now I was truly a murderer.
The thought made me sick.

>>>Shinji: Time to go swimming.

>>>Asuka: But you can...

Whatever shred of innocence I had left had been ripped away the
moment Kaoru died.
Kaoru...
How vivid my memories of her seemed to be...
Kaoru, smiling at me.

>>>Touji: And what a smile.

Kaoru, helping me get out of my entry plug.
Kaoru, bringing me a meal.

>>>Kensuke: How thoughtful

Kaoru, listening to my music, an air of calm and serenity on her
face.
Kaoru, praising me on my playing.
Kaoru and me, talking about ourselves.
Kaoru, holding me, making me feel safe and warm.

>>>Touji/Kensuke: And those curves oh KAMI-SAMA she was hot!

>>>Hikari: Just ignore them, maybe they'll leave.

As I recalled all those happy moments, I realized... I would miss
her dearly. Not until she was gone did I realize just how much impact
she actually had on my life.
I did not love her. But given time, I might have.
But I'll never have the chance to know for sure.
"Shinji..."

>>>Touji: Bets on who it is?

>>>Shinji: Enough bets.

I was startled to see Misato standing right at my side. She looked
sincerely sorry for me.
"First Rei and now Kaoru... They died to save my life. Touji nearly
died too. Misato-san... I don't want anyone else to be hurt because of
me..."

>>>Kensuke: Then die, only way to stop hurting people, we all do it.

>>>Rei: Existance denotes pain.

>>>Shinji: Yeah, doesn't make it easier to accept though.

"I know, Shinji-kun."
"Why am I the one who always stays alive? Why do people have to
sacrifice themselves for me? I'm not worth it! My life is not worth so
much pain. I should have been the one to die. Maybe there's still time
to put an end to the pain."
"Shinji!"

>>>Asuka: You just can't accept acts of good will.

>>>Hikari: Turning a heroic sacrifice into a dirty act.

I gasped as I felt Misato's hand hitting my cheek.
"Don't you ever say that, Shinji! Don't even dare think about it! If
you die now, then all the sacrifice and suffering your friends went
through would become meaningless! Don't disgrace them!"

>>>Shinji: No it wouldn't they did it partly to save humanity too.

>>>Hikari: And we're still here.

The words hit me even harder then her hand. I had never thought
about things this way.
"Misato..."
"Today, you've learned the tragedy of war. War is neither good or
evil. It's something that simply is.

>>>Touji: Something that sucks donkey balls.

>>>Asuka: Actually got it right, bout time.

>>>Kensuke: But all that mecha is so cool!

One must fight for his survival.
However, victory often offers no reason to celebrate, as it too can come
at great cost. The only thing you can do is move on. It's the only good
thing that can come out of it."
These words felt right. They didn't bring much comfort, but they
gave me purpose...

>>>Shinji: Well why is it in this war, I'm losing more people than most?

>>>Kensuke: Just lucky I guess.

"Even if all the Angels are gone, I feel this war is not over yet.
Mankind may still depend on you, Shinji. So we need you to be strong..."
Gently, Misato caressed her stomach.
"... and you need to be strong for yourself, as well as those you
love."
Those I love...

>>>Shinji: Could she have brought up a worse topic?

>>>Asuka: Your mother.

>>>Hikari: Your grades.

"You think you have no hope left, but you are wrong. It's not all
lost... at least, I hope not." She touched her stomach again, lightly.
"Room 303, Shinji. The infirmary. I'm not sure anything can be done,
but... sometimes the best we can hope for is to try."
The infirmary?
"A... Asuka? You found Asuka?!"

>>>Asuka/Touji: YES!

>>>Kensuke/Rei: How the hell?

"Yes. Although, it may have something to do with the loss of the
Fifth Children."
I didn't care about the reason. All that I cared about was that
Asuka was back.
Maybe there was still hope left. After all, night always gives way
to the birth of a new day...

>>>Shinji: But one new day is also ones last day.

>>>Touji: LIGHTEN UP!!

>>>Kensuke: You switch from being cool to being a MAJOR KILL JOY to fast.

[To be continued...]



Next time:
Chapter 12 - End of Evangelion

Life. Death.
Choices.
NERV's final stand.
Can destiny be changed?
Can NERV and the Children win against all odds?
Or will the world as we know it come to an end?



Omake (by Daniel Snyder):

>>>Shinji: I could use a good laugh.

>>>Rei: Hopefully this will provide one.

Deep down, I knew that she was right. It was unfair of me to just
seek her love this way since Rei's wasn't available anymore. Switching
from one another... it was wrong. I had been wrong from the start...

>>>Shinji: Ah, there's my luck again, look for comedy get tragedy.

"It's too late. I'll be leaving now."
Asuka reached for something in her pocket and pulled out...
"WAAAARK!"
"Penny-chan and I will never bother you again. Ever."
My God! No!
"No! Not...not Pen-Pen!!!"

>>>Touji: SHE KILLED HIM!!

>>>SHinji: Asuka what did you do to Pen-Pen!

>>>Kensuke: And the most obsessed award goes to Asuka!!

>>>Asuka: What the HELL was THAT!!!


Author's notes:

(1) Taken from the third manga, a mix of the English and French edition.
Shinji said those words to Rei, after having pulled her out of her
overheated entry plug, as he helps her walk toward the rescue team.

(2) The plural form of "Dummkopf" (in english, simpleton) would be the
Dummkoepfe (or Dummköpfe). However, Shinji wouldn't know that...

(3) If we take a good look at a few NGE official pictures (not fanarts)
one can notice that Kaworu's plug suit is like Shinji's, except for the
colors. The same goes for Touji. From that, one could theorize that
there is also a standard plugsuit design for females as well. However...
Rei and Asuka have different plugsuits. Asuka being the first production
model pilot, it seems right to say that her plugsuit design would be the
standard one. This was more or less confirmed with some fanart of
Hikari, Maya, Ritsuko and Misato in plugsuits; all of them taking as
graphic model Asuka's suit.

Well, this is the reworked and reoriented Chapter 11. I feel actually
much happier about it. It feels more like a chapter of TOILI now.

For those who wonder what this is about, well it's simple. As you may
see in the outtakes, Shinji and Kaoru in the original chapter were a
bit... closer... (in other words, they had pointless sex). This had the
unfortunate effect of making Kaoru not only abnormally horny for an
Angel, but also she appeared too much manipulative, maybe getting even
less sympathy the original Kaworu. To quote one of my readers: "Kaoru is
a slut". Well, it may be a bit much, but it does carry the feeling of
uneasiness some people felt and that I felt myself, although, in many
case, it may also have been about Shinji betraying so easily the girls
he loved.

Solution to this problem? Redesign Kaoru. After all, we only really see
her in this chapter, so it was rather easy to do. Thanks to some
discussions, I eventually created a new model in my mind: a fusion
between Rei and Belldandy, from the series Ah! My Goddess! That resulted
in a calmer, gentler, sometimes clueless Kaoru (which gave me the
opportunity to tone down parts where the original Kaoru only had sex on
her mind) but also very direct and perceptive. I don't know if I did a
good job in creating this portrayal, but I do feel a lot more at ease
with this chapter. I can now move forward...

For those who wonder about the title, 'Where Angels Fear to Tread', this
Title was suggested to me my EeL, pre-reader extraordinaire and author
of HERZ. He explained it to me this way:

"It's got a few layers to it - the first half of the proverb comes
to mind, 'Fools rush in...' It could also refer to the effort by Kaoru
to understand love and humans through Shinji and her final descent into
terminal dogma. More abstractly, a reference to the AT field - the
sacred light of the soul where no other is allowed to trespass, the AT-
field being the main reason why Eva is an effective weapon against the
Angels."

One more point, now that I revised this chapter, would be Kaoru's
mention of the freedom to choose, a capacity that the other Angels
lacked.

On a final note, I think it's clear now that those who labeled this
story as WAFF and Romance were wrong. Of course, I knew from the start.
TOILI was meant to cover much more then that. It has WAFF, Romance and
Humor, but also Drama and Angst, not to mention some Lime scenes.

With Chapter 12... expect anything.

Oh, yeah... some people might mention that a kitchen knife seems a bit
big to fit in a school uniform pocket. Keep in mind that this is a dream
sequence and that dreams don't always make total sense. And I have a
reason for specifically using a kitchen knife.

Alain Gravel
rakna@globetrotter.qc.ca
December 6th 1999

Started on October 1st 1999
First pre-reader draft finished on December 6th 1999
Second pre-reader draft finished on December 17th 1999
Third pre-reader draft finished on January 10th 2000
Final draft finished on February 1st 2000
Final revisions on March 16th 2000
>>>MST March 27 2002

(end MST)

Hikari: Only one more installment to go.

Shinji: Been a long couple of days, but I'm glad we're watching this.

Rei: I am as well.

Asuka: Could have been worse.

Touji: A good amount of angst helps ya to realize what you have in life.

Asuka: Touji?

Hikari: Told you he could be kinda smart sometimes.

Kensuke: He read that off a fortune cookie.

Touji: SO!

Shinji laughs softly: What about these cuffs Ken, didn't you play around enough?

Kensuke: Alright alright here 'tosses him the keys.'

Rei: You had the keys the whole time?

Asuka: 'I'm glad we were like this...he's still a baka but I..I..care for the lug.'

Rei: You have my gratitude in one respect but as for Shinji-kuns feelings you will
pay.

Shinji uncuffs his two fellow captives and heads to the bathroom for a long
held back duty. Laughing after the tortured scream of Kensuke is heard through the door.

Shinji: Only one left to go, maybe we can rent more movies in the future.



------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------

Mst Author notes.

First off I know there are actually 2 chapters left, but i have special plans for the
epilouge.

Well how did you like this chapter, Still think well written angst is hard as hell
to mst. Not alot to joke about when the subject is death and/or rape, but I tried
to do what I could.

The poll on www.darkscribe.org is up on the forum in the fanfic section for those
who wish to vote on my next saga.

comments/questions/requests always welcome and appreciated

zentrodie (Zentrodie@secondimpact.com)