One Piece Fan Fiction ❯ All's Fair in Love and Psychological Warfare ❯ Whats the catch? ( Chapter 1 )

All's Fair In Love and Psychological Warfare

Disclaimer: If I said One Piece was mine, I'd be a bigger liar than Usopp. It's actually property of Eiichiro Oda, etc, etc.

 

It was a fairly normal afternoon on the going Merry. Normal of course consisting of being attacked by marines twice in the same afternoon; narrowly escaping a swarm of man-eating sea iguanas; and having to pull Luffy out of the watery jaws of death no less than three times; pretty mundane, really.

 

Sanji was filling the boredom with his favorite activity. Well, his favorite activity that does not involve a stove.

 

“Naaaammiii!” he fawned, “Your hair! Have I told you how beautiful I find your hair?”

 

“Not today,” Nami mutters around a yawn.

 

“It is…” he pauses to find the right metaphor, “it shines like a tangerine! The finest tangerine that ever grew!”

 

That's a new one she muses.

 

“Tangerines all over the world pale in comparison to your fabulous hair! And your eyes….”

 

“…are like grapefruit?” Nami offers.

 

“Not in the least!” Sanji seems horrified at such a suggestion, “no, like chestnuts! Tender, voluptuous chestnuts, the likeness of which are only found….”

 

“Stuff it,” Nami grinds Sanji's stream of flattery to a horrified halt.

 

“Nami san….” he whimpers, hurt shinning in his eyes, “how can you react to the baring of my soul with such indifferent coldness?”

 

A smile cracks onto Nami's face, in spite of herself. “Your soul is a basket of fruit?” She jabs.

 

Sanji bends over theatrically, clutching his chest. “Ah! My heart! An organ so vulnerable as mine cannot withstand such sharp, cruel words! Tell Luffy he may have my radio, I shall not need it where I am going….”

 

“I think you failed to grasp the meaning of `stuff it,'” Nami interrupts.

 

Slack jawed; Sanji can only stare in disbelief. Sure he knew that Nami didn't really buy into his compliments, but at least she usually played along. Never, never before had she used such harsh words against him. Was this it? Was he going to be officially rejected?

 

Before he can object again, Nami's hand is covering his mouth. Sanji is effectively distracted, as the contact of Nami's skin with his lips is enough to nearly give him a nosebleed.

 

“You think you love me.” It's a statement , not a question.

 

“Think?” Sanji jumps to attention at this scandalous suggestion, “There is no `think' about it! I know I love you.”

 

“We'll see about that,” Nami smirks.

 

While the smirk ought to have served as a red flag to Sanji, he is too overwhelmed by the hope inspired by the words `we'll see' to notice.

 

“I'll make you a deal,” Nami continues, “First of all, the way to my heart is not through poetic words, okay? While flattery is appreciated, it's not going to get you anywhere.”

 

Sanji nods, captivated by the possibilities of where Nami is leading.

 

“But, if you can convince me of your dedication, through action, then I'll go on a date with you.”

 

“Anything!” he practically dances, “I'll bake you the biggest cake in the world! I'll find you treasure! Anything you ask—”

 

“Just one date mind you,” she adds hastily, “I'm not promising to be your girlfriend or anything.”

 

“Of course, of course!” Sanji happily agrees, “you'll see, after one date, you won't be able to resist becoming my girlfriend! Just tell me what you require, so I may get it done!”

 

“I want you to seduce Zoro.”

 

With that simple statement, Nami turns and leaves; a very pale, gaping Sanji left in her wake.

 

 

~A Few Hours Earlier~

 

 

Sunglasses in place, Nami emerges on deck; an afternoon of sunbathing stretching out before her.

 

Her plan of spending a quiet, relaxing nap in the sun is met with an unexpected obstacle, however, in the form of loud thudding noises emanating from Zoro, who is standing nearby and engaged in systematically banging his head against a wall.

 

“Stop that!” Nami cries in horror, “are you trying to hurt yourself?”

 

Zoro pauses in his ministrations and observes her blandly. “What does it look like?”

 

“It looks like you're trying to knock yourself unconscious.” Nami blinks.

 

“Smart girl.” Zoro goes back to his head-banging.

 

“What, in the name of East Blue, are you trying to knock yourself unconscious for?” she asks, horrified.

 

“I'll start with a question, myself,” Zoro replies, wearily, “you wouldn't say there's any chance that we've been fed a devil fruit that causes people to go completely and utterly mad, by any chance, do you?”

 

“Um, no,” Nami replies, surprised at his question, “I don't believe we've unwittingly eaten any devil fruits, madness-inducing or otherwise.”

 

“Then in that case, I'm the only mad one, and I'd better lose consciousness quickly, before I endanger the crew.”

 

The thump thump thumping resumes.

 

“Stop that!” Nami grabs his arm, genuinely concerned by the odd behavior of her crewmate. “What makes you think you've gone mad?”

 

“I'm under no obligation to explain that,” Zoro mutters.

 

Nami closes her eyes and touches her temple. “What is this? I sense an interest rate increase approaching….”

 

“That's dirty.” Zoro hisses.

 

“Spill it.” Nami smiles.

 

Zoro sighs in defeat. “I've obviously lost my mind because I can't stop thinking about a certain person who pisses me off more than anyone.”

 

Nami's eyes widen in disbelief. “What, Sanji?”

 

Zoro winces.

 

“Wait, let me get this straight, you're telling me that you have a crush on Sanji.”

 

“I never said I was thinking about him in a good way.” Zoro frowns.

 

“If you weren't, you wouldn't be under the impression that you've lost your mind, would you?”

 

Zoro curses Nami's logic.

 

“I figure if I do this long enough it will knock some sense back into my head.” Zoro motions to bang his head against the wall again.

 

“There's a better way to fix that, you know.”

 

“And that would be….what?” Zoro observes Nami with skepticism.

 

“Get him interested in you back.”

 

Zoro blanches. “I don't want him interested in me back!” he says, horrified, “I want to cure myself of being interested!”

 

“You didn't let me finish,” Nami folds her arms across her chest, “a love-struck Sanji is one of the most annoying creatures I've ever encountered. If anything will cure you of your affliction, it will be him returning your feelings.”

 

“That…almost makes sense.”

 

“Trust me.” She nods, “two days of him chasing you and you'll be too busy wanting to kill him to find him even remotely attractive.”

 

“But what am I supposed to do once I get over this and he's still trailing me like a lost puppy?”

 

“Distraction tactic; I'll go on a date with him, and he'll be back to normal in no time.”

 

Zoro's eyes narrow in suspicion. “You'd do that for me?”

 

“We're nakama, aren't we?”

 

“Coming from Luffy, I'd say `of course',” Zoro speculates, “coming from you, I say `what's the catch?'”

 

“Don't worry, I plan to make him take me someplace very expensive.”

 

“Don't make your reservations yet, it's not going to work,” Zoro shakes his head, disbelieving that for even a second he was following Nami's advice.

 

“Oh?” a raised eyebrow is her only acknowledgment.

 

“Nothing short of an actual madness-inducing devil fruit would make Sanji interested in me.”

 

Nami smiles knowingly. “We'll see about that.”