Other Fan Fiction ❯ The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything ❯ Boyfriends Are Sleepy and Simon Is Lame ( Chapter 11 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

Chapter 11

Benji was certain there had never been a time—indeed, there was no time in recent history—when he had hated his life as much as he did at this moment.

“I DIDN'T DO IT THIS TIME, I SWEAR!”

The crew sighed collectively—as had become their habit upon hearing these familiar words—and set about finding out how to best handle the situation.

“Honestly…sometimes I do wonder what it is I see in you,” Miguel continued in a seemingly bored tone. “Checkmate, Benji.”

Benji stared out at the sea as the Archangel began to take on more water. “Maybe it's because of my good looks and impeccable charm…”

The redhead raised his eyes from his task of resetting the chessboard. “Can you define impeccable? Or perhaps…spell it?”

Benji gasped, deeply chagrined. “Of course I can't, but then again, are you really surprised?”

“No…heck.”

“What? How? Damn!”

“Uh…” Simon said, appearing suddenly. “We're sinking.”

Benji shrugged, not bothering to take his eyes off the board. “You're worried?”

“Yeah, a little bit,” the newcomer said.

“What can I do with the horse guy?” Benji asked Miguel, who looked a little tired.

Rin walked up to the group, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. “Who'd you piss off now, Benji? Isn't it a little too early in the morning to be sinking?”

“Yep, we're ahead of schedule,” Benji proclaimed gleefully.

“Wait. You can't be telling me this is normal,” Simon asked, his eyes very close to bugging out.

“Yes, Princess. The ship is sinking and we are all likely to drown in the end,” Benji groaned. “Now sit down and shut up.”

“Your lackeys may listen to you, Benny-boy, but I don't take orders and today isn't going to be the day I start.”

Benji just smirked and continued playing chess. “Okay, Simon…”

With that last sentiment, Simon stalked off with the air of “moody cloud” (1) surrounding him.

“Well, that was fun.”

Miguel nodded. “Should we maybe try to land before we drown completely dead?”

“Yeah, I saw a little island just off the coast. Monroe already set a course for it. I just like seeing Simon freak out.”

“Ah…”

“Checkmate, Miguel.”

“No, you didn't, Benji…you can't claim checkmate with a checker.”

“Oh…king me, then.”

Sigh.

XXX

Erik sighed regretfully as he finally began to lose his hold on sleep, and he buried his face in the pillow as he tried to get it back. Then he heard a deep chuckle above him and a hand was attempting to roll him over. Erik just smiled and turned over to bury his face in Jiro's chest. “How long have I been asleep?”

“Don't ask.”

The doctor groaned. “Benji's gonna kill me.”

Jiro smiled slightly and brushed a lock of hair off of his love's forehead. “You needed rest. You haven't gotten much sine…”

Erik averted his eyes. “Yeah,” he muttered, the word coming out as something between a grunt and a whisper.

“Anyway,” Jiro continued quickly. “I'm hungry. You want to go get some food?”

“Um…no. I'm not hungry. And I should…stay here, and organize my…”

Jiro silenced him with a kiss. “You don't have to make excuses, Sunshine. I'll bring something back, okay?”

Erik looked confused. “Sunshine?”

The chaplain suddenly looked embarrassed. “Yeah, it's…well, I've been calling you that in my head for a long time now. Ever since the first time I saw you smile…the first time I heard you laugh.” He smiled and reached out to play with a lock of Erik's hair. “Y'know, they say it's bad for your eyes, looking directly into the sun. But I can't seem to stop looking.”

The doctor smiled. “That is…so unbelievably corny.” Then he reached up to take the hand that was playing with his hair. “I would throw up if I wasn't too busy loving every word.”

Then they were kissing again, and neither had any idea who made the first move. It ended slowly and rather reluctantly, and a long, contented silence followed as Erik cuddled against Jiro's chest.

“Okay, I really am going for food now,” Jiro said, breaking the silence and shoving Erik off him so that he could stand.

Erik chuckled in amusement. “Ever the romantic.”

XXX

The Location: A Diner On A Road

Ava: So…which car is yours?

Li: That one? Points to random car

Adara: clicks unlock button Well, it's unlocked so it must be, right?

Li: Yeah. gets into back seat

Ava: shuffling through papers in the passengers' seat Hey, Li, have you always had this handicap sign?

Li: What are you trying to say?

Ava: There was a handicap sign in your glove compartment.

Li: Not mine.

Adara: Then whose is it?

Meanwhile, Back In The Diner

Old Woman: Hey, Ed, someone broke into our car…

Ed: Quiet, Gertrude. I'm tryin' to watch the game.

Meanwhile, In The Car

Li: RUN FOR IT!

XXX

It had been almost a month since their last excursion with Benji and Hiei had done his best to focus on something other than following the Archangel.

He was failing miserably.

Kurama, who had been keeping look-out, was now trying his hardest to prevent Hiei from going off course as well. “You care too much.”

“I don't care at all,” Hiei replied sourly.

“Well, it's either that or your steering has suffered,” Kurama observed. “Hiei, we're going to Taiwan.”

“Yes, and?”

“Taiwan is in an entirely different direction…” the redhead sighed.

“I know a shortcut,” the captain muttered in between steering.

“There's no shortcut from Spain to Taiwan. You can't condense the ocean. Anyways, we're off course.”

“I'm going to Spain,” Hiei growled.

“Don't make me come down there.”

“Bite me.”

“…Can I, at least, steer for awhile?”

“Women don't get to steer!”

“That is it! I'm coming down! And I'm going to rip off your head, take pictures with it, and have a good long laugh before I chuck it into the North Atlantic Sea!” Kurama shouted as he made his way to the deck.

Blink. Blink.

“A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend, Kurama.”

“Neither is a woman on her period.”

“Um?”

“But I am not a woman!”

“So you only fantasize?”

“Do you have any idea how close you are to sleeping outside tonight?”

“You're pretty.”

Growl.

“And. I love you.”

“Hmm, somehow I can't stay mad at you,” Kurama said, his scowl magically transforming into a smile as he wrapped his arms around his lover's chest.

Hiei lowered his head to kiss Kurama's arm. “Because…I am the best.”

The redhead chuckled. “Oh?”

“And…I don't think anyone else deserves me.”

“How is it that I deserve you exactly?”

“Because I said so. Therefore it must be true.”

“Honey, you're not making any sense.”

“Does anything make sense when you're in love?”

“Nope,” the first mate laughed and kissed Hiei's cheek.

After another moment, though, Kurama pulled away. “So what's the bottom line here?”

Hiei looked out over the water for a second, then said, “We're following Benji.”

“No, we're not!”

“Yes, we are! `Cause I'm in charge!”

“What happened to equal partnership, huh?!”

“It is equal, but this time I'm right.”

“That doesn't make any sense!”

“And here we are again!”

“Damn it…we're never gonna figure this out.”

XXX

Ava: singing On the road again…

Adara: Guys…something wrong…

Li: Are we lost?

Adara: No, the car won't start.

Li: All right, let's check under the hood!

Ava: Do you even know what's under the hood?

Li: We're about to find out.

The girls get out of the car at once and lose their doors. Incidentally, that is when the car takes off at a high speed, leaving them stranded in the an almost-desert.

Ava: Drat.

Li: Where are we, dare I ask?

Adara: sounding worried We're in Cape Girardeau.

Everyone sobs and shakes in terror as two gorgeous men driving a '67 Chevy Impala stop

Sam Winchester: You guys need a ride?

Adara: gasps for air

Li: No, thanks! We're good!

Boyz shrug and drive away.

Ava and Adara: LILLIA EMBERLIN CELESTIA!

Li: shocked Mother?

Adara: We are stranded in the a desert-like area, our car has supernatural abilities and left us for dead, and Cape Girardeau equals doom. We could have used the ride.

Li: Oh, I forgot…

Ava: How?!

Li: Don't worry…someone will stop.

Adara: about to strangle Li When?!

Li: Any minute now…

Three Hours Later

Li: Any minute now?

The girls are now sporting long, white beards.

Li: draws breath

Ava: Don't!

Li: We could walk.

Adara: Or…

A gigantahugamongous truck with no driver speeds toward them. Its bumper reads: “No break for directors and crew.

Adara: …RUUUUN!

Li: The automobiles are possessed!

XXX

Rin had met plenty of men she couldn't stand, but none had been worse than Simon. She pouted and crossed her arms. She really felt like torturing him. The evil and sadistic part of her was already plotting and luckily for her Simon was in the galley. With the addition of Benji and Miguel, but she didn't think they'd protest.

"Would you put your eyes back in your head, woman?" Simon muttered in between taking drags from his cigarette.

"What are you going on about?"

"I know you like me."

"Why, Simon... you're so funny. Have you ever considered getting out of my face?!"

"Ya know, if you want to kiss me all ya have ta do is ask..."

"You vile... disgusting-" Rin said, waving her arms expansively, simultaneously sending her mug onto the floor. "Crap." She then got out of her chair and knelt on the floor to crawl under the table.

She stopped and smiled as the opportunity for revenge quickly unraveled. Under the guise of retrieving her mug, she reached over to Simon's leg, wrapped her hand firmly around several of the hairs there, and yanked viciously.

Simon jumped, and screamed like a woman being attacked by a vampire. "YOOOOOOW!!!!!!!!"

Rin collapsed with laughter, and above her, Benji and Miguel did the same.

Simon scowled, and kicked Rin under the table. "I really hate you..."

"Really? `Cause I love you," Rin said feigning innocence. Getting up from the table, she went to sit next to Simon. "Why are you always so... prickly? Does your tummy hurt?" she said, poking him in the shoulder.

Simon glared at Rin. "Die."

In retaliation, Rin poked him again.

"Girl, you touch me with that finger again, you're gonna wake up tomorrow in a body bag."

Rin smirked and suddenly tackled Simon to the ground, in his shock she was able to grab a rope, and begin tying him to a pole.

"Ow."

"Suck it up."

"Ow."

"Live with it."

"Ow."

"You deserve it."

"I hate you."

"And I just adore you."

"OW!"

Benji leaned closer to Miguel, arms folded as he watched Rin's game. "Should we... I dunno... intervene?" he whispered.

"...Nah, I think Rin's doing okay," Miguel whispered back.

Rin pulled out a giant chunk of Simon's leg hair, as opposed to the single ones she had been pulling before.

"OOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!!! DAMN IT, WOMAN!!!"

Rin chuckled evilly, then stood. "My work here is done."

Benji saluted. "Well, then, you're free to go."

"Aye, aye, captain."

Benji and Miguel followed Rin out, and Simon blinked. "Er... guys? Are you gonna... untie me?"

Rin, the last in the doorway, considered for a moment. "Nope. You're going to be the ritual sacrifice to our heathen God. Do you wanna know how you got elected?"

"I hate you... you are a truly evil being..."

"Aww, don't try to butter me up now. We wouldn't leave you completely stranded..." Reaching into her pocket. She took out a knife. "I'm sure you can figure out how to use this knife if I put it... all the way over here..." And with that, she placed the knife just out of his reach and patted him on the back. "So buck up, private."

"Aww, come on, now..."

"Fear not, my friend. All hope is not lost. Maybe you can get Berkeley to let you go." Then she opened the door, jumped to the side and out onto the deck, and slammed the door shut just as a giant shape hurled itself through the doorway.

"BOOOOOOYYYYY!!!!!"

XXX

The sun was setting off the coast, and anyone with someone worth having was watching it.

Jiro and Erik were settled next to the railing, just enjoying each other's company as they watched the colors of the sky meld harmoniously.

Benji had passed his shift as the lookout to a very reluctant Monroe. He was now helping Miguel steer, as the tiny Spaniard was nodding off at random points and wouldn't go to bed.

The alabaster-haired man wrapped his hands around Miguel's smaller ones. The sleepy man was resting his head against Benji's chest, idly whispering things in his half sleep. There's a hole…in the boat. I have to tell you that.”

“Okay, love.”

“There's a hole in the boat.”

“Don't worry. I'm fixing it.”

“Should I get the peanut butter?”

“Peanut butter is a terrible thing to waste.”

“Mmm. How'd I get here?”

“Well…I suppose when your mommy and daddy got married they decided to—”

“No, how did I end up here?”

“Well, about a year ago we decided to—”

“I hate you…”

“Just watch the sunset, hon.”

“But really…how'd I get here?”

“Now we're back to square one.”

“Mmph.” Miguel's eyes had long since fallen closed.

“Miguel?”

“Hmm?”

“Are you falling asleep?”

“Nooo…”

“Miguel?”

“Hmm?”

“I love you.”

“Mmph. Shh. The wheel is trying to sleep.”

Benji smiled and shook his head in amusement. “Well, then, we'd better leave the wheel alone. C'mon.”

And before Miguel could protest, he was being listed into his lover's arms and carted off to God-knows-where. “Where we goin'?”

“The moon.”

“Really?”

“Yes, Miguel.”

“Can I come?”

Benji lowered the redhead onto the bed and started to pull his shoes off. “We'll talk about it later.”

“Mmm…`kay. Do you think the man would like me?” Miguel's words were becoming slurred.

“What man?” As he spoke, Benji placed Miguel's shoes by the side of the bed.

“The man in the moon, silly.”

Benji chuckled. “Goodnight, Miguel.”

“Night…”

XXX

With Jiro off in the galley trying to out-drink Rin and all the books in his cabin read and reread, Erik was finally forced out into the daylight. He knew that once he went to the galley he would be forced into the consumption of food, so the doctor instead chose to watch the horizon and pretend he hadn't already missed the sunset.

“Well, if it isn't my fairytale brethren from the days of yore.”

Erik closed his eyes, panicking a little on the inside. He didn't bother to turn around, just asked quietly, “What do you want?”

Simon chuckled. “Aww, c'mon, Princess, don't say that.”

Silence.

Another chuckle, and then Simon came to join him at the rail. “You know you missed the sunset, don't you?”

Erik suddenly spun to look at him. “What the hell are you doing here?”

Simon blinked. “Behold the queen of the subtle transition.”

“Just tell me. You ran me off and you never made any effort to find me again, and now you're on my best friend's ship and you're still acting like you don't care whether I live or die—”

“Maybe I don't.” But Erik couldn't help thinking that Simon didn't quite meet his eyes when he said that.

“So go home.”

For some reason, Simon laughed bitterly at that.

Erik frowned and turned back to the sea. “Just tell me. What are you doing here?”

“…I thought it was obvious.”

The doctor blinked and turned to find Simon looking at him with an honest, piercing, unwavering gaze. It was a look that aged him and, at the same time, made him appear ten years younger in terms of cynicism. Erik's eyes widened. Maybe, just maybe…

Then, suddenly, Simon was laughing, and the sound had an unmistakably cruel quality. “Damn, you're still so gullible. That never gets old.”

Erik turned quickly away again and just managed to keep the tears from spilling over. The last thing he wanted was to let Simon see him cry again…so he simply stood there—afraid to speak for fear of the words coming out choked, afraid not to because silence would mean victory for Simon.

Then Erik was being turned around and a familiar pair of lips was pressed to his. The doctor leaned with relief into Jiro's hold and kissed back happily, ignoring the blush he could feel creeping up. When the kiss ended, he wrapped his arms around the chaplain's waist and buried his face in the strong chest.

Jiro turned his head to look at Simon, a trace of a challenge in his gaze. Walk away, and I'll let you keep your important bits.

Simon smirked, but said nothing and, after a moment, walked slowly away.

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Moody Cloud is now a main character. Very important!

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Authors' Note: So, in conclusion, Jiro rocks and Simon sucks. We have nothing to add except the patented plea for reviews.