Prince Of Tennis Fan Fiction ❯ Tattered Strips of Green ❯ Chapter 5

Tattered Strips of Green

 

Chapter Five

 

Disclaimer: I do not own Prince of Tennis or the associated characters.

Warning: Mentions of self-abuse and apparent attempted suicide.

 

~*~

 

Inui didn't let go as the man in his arms became a shrieking wild thing.

 

“Let me go!” Kaidoh screamed, struggling to get loose. “Damn you, let me go! I hate you! I hate you!”

 

Inui still didn't let go, not even when Kaidoh bit him hard enough to draw blood. “Twelve years ago, you promised me you wouldn't hurt yourself anymore,” he said quietly.

 

“Promises to you mean nothing!” Kaidoh spat, still frantically trying to get away. “You broke your promises to me. You broke more than just promises. You broke me, and I hate you for it! You made me weak, and I hate you! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, you fucking bastard!”

 

He gave one last wordless shriek of pain and rage, then went completely limp in Inui's arms, his body shaking with quiet sobs. Inui lowered himself to his knees, holding Kaidoh close.

 

He wasn't sure how he knew, but he was suddenly certain that Kaidoh had never cried over him, and had never cried over Yukiko. He'd turned off his emotions, had kept them bottled up inside while forcing himself not to feel anything.

 

It was ten minutes before Kaidoh went completely still against him, utterly drained. With a slight grunt of effort, Inui got to his feet, settling a limp, unresponsive Kaidoh over his shoulder.

 

He took the younger man to his room and sat him down on the bed. His eyes were dull and lifeless, and he barely reacted as Inui treated and bandaged the cuts on his arm. None of them were deep enough to require stitches.

 

He removed Kaidoh's shoes and bandana before tucking him into bed like a small child. Leaving the door open a crack for the animals, he went across the hall to his own room, sitting on his bed with a heavy sigh. His shoulder ached where Kaidoh had bitten him, but he didn't have the energy to deal with it.

 

It was all his fault. Kaidoh was strong and stubborn, someone who would never bend. Inui had forgotten that those who didn't bend always had a breaking point. He had broken him, seven years ago, but Kaidoh had somehow managed to put himself back together, still wounded and fragile, but whole.

 

And then Yukiko had come along and callously used him, reopening the slowly healing wounds in her bid for fame.

 

“Inui-san?” Nabiki's soft, sad voice drew him from his thoughts. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying. “Is Papa okay?”

 

“I don't know,” he answered slowly. “But I think… I think he will be. Eventually.”

 

~*~

 

He lay curled on his left side, staring into the darkness of his room. He felt nothing, but it was different from before. It was as if all of his emotions had been temporarily wrung out of him, rather than being held back behind a wall, waiting for the chance to overwhelm him.

 

Isis meowed loudly and jumped up on the bed. Kaidoh stirred himself just enough to hug her close. He stroked her silky fur with his right hand. His left arm was resting on his pillow, the jagged scar across his wrist in view.

 

“Everyone thinks I tried to commit suicide eight months ago,” he said softly to the deaf cat. His tongue felt thick and heavy. It was almost too much of an effort to speak. “But that's not really what I was doing, not consciously anyway. I could hear them both in my head, and I just…”

 

Isis started purring and nuzzled his hand. He scratched her ears absently, still staring at the scar. He hadn't wanted to die. Just to make the voices stop.

 

He had been avoiding his usual haunts for the past few days, but once the rain started, he found himself at the river, the place where so many things in his life had taken place. It was where he had worked so hard to perfect his Boomerang Snake. Where he had finally agreed to play doubles with Inui.

 

It was also where he had kissed Inui for the first time, the evening after the other's match against Yanagi Renji. Where they said out loud what they had silently expressed to each other right after that match.

 

It was where Inui had broken his heart.

 

“This experiment has come to its natural conclusion.”

 

“It doesn't really mean anything. It's just training.”

 

“You can hardly expect me to give up my hopes for the future just because of your ridiculous fixation on me.”

 

“Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!” Kaidoh screamed, clutching at his head.

 

“Did you really think I could ever love someone like you?”

 

“You were just a means to an end, Kaoru. Six years is an acceptable amount of time to use you to make my name known, but really, you can't expect me to waste any more of my life with you.”

 

His feet took him to the water's edge as the voices swirled through his head. He slipped and fell, his right hand landing hard on a sharp rock. He pulled it out of the water and, with a scream of rage, used it to hack at his left wrist.

 

The first time he had ever played against Echizen he had lost and had savagely beaten his own knee bloody with his racket. When Inui had offered to help him with stamina training after that, he had also made him promise to never again hurt himself out of anger or frustration.

 

It felt strangely satisfying to break that promise, and the pain momentarily silenced the voices. But then numbness began to set in, and they were back. He got to his feet and staggered out into the middle of the river, the coldness of the water slowing the flow of blood from his wrist.

 

“Did you really think I could ever love someone like you?” Yukiko's words, but in Inui's voice. “You were just a means to an end.”

 

“Teenagers experiment with relationships all the time. It doesn't really mean anything.” Reversed this time, Yukiko's voice repeating Inui's hurtful words.

 

“You're weird and antisocial. Why would I want to spend my life with someone like you?”

 

The water was deep enough that he couldn't stand anymore. He dove down, using strong frog kicks to get to the bottom.

 

“I'm leaving Nabiki with you. She's too much like you to ever amount to anything.”

 

The voices faded as his air ran out. He had to fight against his body's instinct to go back up. That would only let the voices come back. The need to breathe overwhelmed him, and he opened his mouth, drawing water into his lungs. The last thing he was aware of was the feeling of an arm suddenly encircling his ribs.

 

Then he was on land, and the voices were gone. He didn't hurt inside anymore, he just felt cold and numb, like nothing could ever reach him again. No one could get close enough to betray him again. He wondered if he'd died in the river, and was now just an emotionless collection of memories.

 

Someone flipped him over during his confused musings, and he coughed up water. When most of it was out of his lungs, he looked up, his gaze fixing on Ryoma. He distantly noted that the younger man actually seemed concerned. How strange.

 

He was pulled to his feet, but he kept staring into Ryoma's golden hazel eyes. Sadness lurked in those eyes, as if their owner had been able to see into Kaidoh and realize that the person he had once known was no longer there.

 

~*~

 

He slept on-and-off until well into the next morning, only venturing out of his room twice to go to the bathroom. He had managed to avoid Inui and Nabiki both times.

 

It had been sixteen hours since all of his walls had spectacularly failed him, and he still felt void of all emotion. There was only a sort of fuzziness, like someone had stuffed him inside a giant cotton ball.

 

His cell phone rang a few times, but he ignored it. Five minutes after the last attempt, the main house phone rang. Not long after that, Inui came into his room with a glass of something reddish-purple. Kaidoh stared at the glass impassively, unable to work up the proper terror it deserved.

 

“Oishi called,” Inui said quietly, as if afraid that speaking too loudly would set Kaidoh off again. “He said he and Taka-san will be over around noon and will be taking you somewhere whether you want to go or not.”

 

Kaidoh's only response to that was a slow, sleepy blink. Oishi and Taka wanted to take him somewhere? He didn't think he wanted to go anywhere. He wasn't sure though. It seemed like a waste of energy to try to figure it out.

 

Inui frowned faintly and sat on the edge of the bed. “You need to drink something, or you'll get dehydrated. It's just fruit juice,” he added, knowing the fear others had for his liquid concoctions.

 

Kaidoh considered that for a moment. Drink something? Fruit juice? Yes, that did sound good. He slowly sat up, scooting until he was right next to Inui. The older man seemed startled.

 

Kaidoh ignored him and grabbed the cup, leaning against Inui as he slowly sipped the fruit juice. The other man hesitantly put an arm around him, and he snuggled closer. That felt nice, snuggling against him. The lazy thought floated through his mind that he shouldn't be snuggling against Inui because Inui was a heartless bastard.

 

He let the thought wander off. He was comfortable, and that was all that really mattered, wasn't it? Yes, it was.

 

He vaguely noted that he had been wrong the day before. Whatever he had been doing before now, it hadn't just been existing. It had been cold and dreary, with a feeling of pressure as things pushed against his walls, trying to force their way in. It had been surviving, forcing himself to carry on from day to day because it was expected of him.

 

What he was doing now was just existing. There was no pressure, just a sense of…waiting. And the feeling of being surrounded and filled with soft cottony fluff. It was peaceful and warm. So very peaceful and warm.

 

Inui caught the mostly empty glass before it could fall more than a few centimeters. He set it on the floor, then wrapped both arms around Kaidoh. The younger man mumbled something in his sleep and burrowed against him.

 

It was likely he wouldn't have a chance like this again once Kaidoh came back to his senses. He took advantage of the opportunity and held him close, basking in the warmth of the man he loved.

 

…The serpent was agitated. Not long ago, the one it protected had thrashed about in his sleep as if caught in a violent nightmare. Now he was quiet, but not still. He could no longer be mistaken for one who was dead. He made the small movements of a sleeping child. One who would soon begin to awaken…