Ronin Warriors Fan Fiction ❯ Seiji's Song ❯ Chapter 1

The five young men sat in a circle, facing each other. According to an old friend, this was the final and hardest challenge they'd ever face. It didn't matter who went first. Their eyes met in an unspoken question. Tiger blue, midnight blue, icy lavender, sea green, and steel gray. The lavender eye broke contact first. Seiji took a deep breath.

"I'll do it."

It was confession time for the Ronins.

*****

Seiji was scared. For someone like him to have to confess all of his fears was hard, to say the least. He'd have to say he was scared of being scared of being scared...He closed his eyes and concentrated on the psychic link the five of them shared. He hoped his friends would understand what he went through before the war...

<what do i do to ignore them behind me?

do i follow my instincts blindly?

do i hide my pride from these bad dreams

and give into sad thoughts that are maddening?>

"No, I don't think you should 'hang around' with these friends of yours, Seijirou," said my father, calling me by my full name. It was something he only said when he was upset.

"Come now, Taki," my mother said placatingly. "Seiji has friends now."

"The wrong kind."

"Don't you trust me?" I asked. "They seem like nice boys, Father."

My father only growled.

If he didn't like what I called friends, he put a stop to that. We must have moved a dozen times before we settled in Toyama. And that's when I met you. All of you. My father hated you, *hates* you. It was the first time I defied him...

<do i sit here and try to stand it?

or do i try to catch them red handed?

do i trust some and get fooled by phoniness?

or do i trust nobody and live in loneliness?>

"Dammit, Seiji! Can't you see I'm only trying to protect you?"

"Father, I can take care of myself."

"I'll tell you when you can and cannot take of yourself, Seijirou. I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

A cliché, I know, but that's the way Father was. And he always meant what he said.

We must have had hundreds of arguments like this after we moved to Toyama. I have no doubt that Father would have moved again, if it had not been for my mother's failing health. It helped to know that I could always escape in school...

<because i cant hold on when im stretched so thin

i make the right moves but im lost within

i put on my daily facade but then

i just end up getting hurt again>

"Hey, Seiji!" you, Touma, called to me. "We're goin' to my house after school today, wanna come?"

My father would have been appalled to hear someone talk like that.

"Sure," I said. "But why?"

"Heh. My mom's not gonna be home. She's gotta date, Date," you answered.

"That's not--nevermind. How late can I stay?"

You gave me a funny look. "Why, you wanna stay really late? It don't matter to me; my ma's outta town."

"Okay. How about a sleep-over? It's the weekend, no school..."

"I never figured you were one for parties, Sage. No prob, though. I already asked the other guys and they're all comin'."

Thank God, I thought to myself. A way out...

<by myself (myself!)

i ask why but in my mind

i find i cant rely on myself (myself!)

i cant hold on>

Since I knew that it was easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission, I called my parents from your house. They were none too pleased.

"Seiji," my mother said in a deceptively calm voice, "You should have asked."

"I know Mother, but there wasn't time, and I know how you always want me to hang around with friends," I said, playing on her want of friends for me.

"I didn't mean doing whatever you please. Maybe your father's right. Maybe we should pick your friends for you. That way you'll stay out of trouble." She sighed. "Well, since you're already there, you might as well stay. We can't in good conscience drag you home now. Have a good night, Seiji." ~Click~

I wanted to scream...

<to what i want when im stretched so thin

its all too much to take in

i cant hold on

to anything watching everything spin

with thoughts of failure sinking in>

When I got home late afternoon the next day, my parents were waiting.

"Must we keep an eye on you every waking moment, Seijirou?" my father said, using my full name again. He had been doing it more often since we moved to Toyama.

"Answer your father, Seiji."

I thought it was a rhetorical question. "No, Father."

"Are you going to do something like this again?"

"No, Father."

"You are grounded for one week. That means no visiting Touma's house, or Ryo's house, or any other of the houses you go to. You will come straight home after school. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Father."

"I am going to call Touma's mother. She will want to know that there were people in her house while she was gone."

I would have been nervous about that, but knowing your mother, Touma...

<if i turn my back im defenseless

and to go blindly seems senseless

if i hide my pride and let it all go on then theyll

take from me till everything is gone>

One week later, we were all at Shuu's house, having dinner. My parents knew where I was, having made it a point to know where I was at all times. I couldn't go to the bathroom without them wondering what I was 'up to'.

"Hey, Sage, where were ya all last week?" Shuu asked me. (between a mouthful of eggrolls. plural).

"Hehe, he was grounded. Poor Sagey-Wagey was allllll awwone," Ryo said. You had a big fake frown on your face.

"Shut the hell up, Ryo," I said forcefully.

"Ooooo, pissed 'im off now, Ryo," Touma said.

"Nah. Sage doesn't get pissed. He just broods," Shin said.

"Yeah, brooding about ways to get revenge," I said, contemplating that right then. I used my chopsticks to fling a piece of tofu at Ryo.

Time flies when you're having fun, and pretty soon it was time for me to leave. My curfew was eight. I went home in a good mood...

<if i let them go ill be outdone

if i try to catch them ill be outrun

if im killed by the questions like a cancer

then ill be buried in the silence of the answer>

"Seiji, your mother and I have come to a decision," my father told me when I walked through the door.

Uh-oh, I thought.

"Yes, we have decided that you would be better off if you went to live with Grandfather. He will be able to teach you discipline, something, it seems, that we cannot," my mother said, with no hint of regret.

"You're sending me away?" I asked. My voice squeaked.

"It's the only thing left for us to do, Seijirou," Father said severely. "With your mother ill so often, I can't spend the energy it takes to keep track of you. And your mother certainly can't be expected to keep up with your childishness."

<by myself (myself!)

how do you think ive lost so much

im so afraid im out of touch

how do you expect i will know what to do

when all i know is what you tell me to>

"Childish? Father, you can't send me away! I have friends here! What about my school work?" I begged, wanting any excuse to stay. Nevermind that I didn't approve of their parental practices; I wanted, no, I needed to be able to stay with you, with my friends.

That was about when it hit me. I didn't care for my parents. Oh, I loved them, make no mistake, but I didn't like them. Can you understand? I never had friends before, and I would do anything to keep the ones I did have.

<dont you KNOW!

i cant tell you how to make it GO!

no matter what i do how hard i TRY!

i cant seem to convince myself WHY!

im stuck on the outside>

So, I went to live with my Grandfather, and you know that he didn't live too far away, so I was still able to go to school with you. He did teach me discipline, but not the kind my parents had in mind, I think. They wanted me to conform, to do what they did. My grandfather knew I didn't have that kind of personality, the one that could be molded to anyone's whims. Instead, I was disciplined by myself. He let me realize my mistakes, and he knew that once I understood my transgressions, I would fix it, no one else.

*****

Seiji took a deep breath. "I guess I'm scared of being rejected, like my parents rejected me."

"Your real name's Seijirou?" Touma asked.

Seiji slapped a hand to his forehead.

"In all seriousness, Seiji, if we've been together for, what? Five years now? We're not going to reject you," Touma said, making up for his earlier comment.

"Yeah, Touma's right. We *are* your family now, Seiji. Never forget that," Ryo said solemnly.

Aww, sometimes i outdo myself in the angst department. Ahem, anyways, the song is called, surprisingly enough, 'by myself'. It's by a band called linkin park, and off their CD hybrid theory. Awesome disc. Anyone want more songfics like this?