Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ ABSENCE: May the Farce be with you! ❯ Back to Abnormal ( Chapter 7 )

Chapter Seven: Back to Abnormal

Rei Hino was glad to be back home, and in the arms of her beloved Usagi. However, one small problem still stood in her way, and that was that Usagi did not know that she was being loved by poor Rei. Also, Usage's "destined" boyfriend and lover, Mamoru, was currently in the angelic arms that Rei Hino was "supposed" to be in, but currently, she was not. And now, with that revelation in her mind, Rei Hino decided… to DO something about the situation. Of course, upon her return, many of her friends were…… annoyed.

"You left us for your own (hic!) personal desires!" shouted Makoto. "You left (hic!) all of us to mourn and cry and be (hic!) real sad! Shame on you! Shame-shame, naughty (hic!) girl!"

"I soddy," sighed Rei. "Me be good girl next time."

"I hope there's not a next time," muttered Usagi. "I don't know how I'd handle Rei dying more than once!"

"Me too!" shrieked Minako. "Rei, you pighead! I've already collected the insurance money on your sorry carcass! How do you expect me to explain to the insurance people that you're suddenly back to life!?"

"…Whoa, hold on a second!" shrieked the priestess. She gave Minako an understandably hot glare, and screeched, "You had a life insurance policy on me?? And you already cashed it in??!! Minako Aino, that's SICK!!!!!!!"

"But, what do you expect from Mina?" sighed Ami wearily. She gave a thin and watery smile (funny how the girls always seemed to utilize their latent abilities the best), and tried to look cheerful. "But at least one good thing came of your…… well, dare I say it?"

"Say what?" asked Rei. Ami blushed and blurted it out.

"Your…… Absence?"

"Oh, brother…" Many eyes rolled upon that very hour; Ami's tried to hide behind a weak smile.

"Yes, well, your… Absence did have one positive effect. We've all learned that our lives are a bit more precious and blah blah blah, and we shouldn't take things for granted, etc. etc., and we've all missed you and wished we could say we loved you, yada yada, and your loss made two of us realize our own love for each other."

"Your own love?" mimed Rei. "What do you mean, girl whose hair is blue and not black like mine, but you're cute anyway?" A pause. Ami cleared her throat and put her arm around the still-angered Makoto.

"Well," she said timidly, "Mako and I… well, we… we realized that we loved each other."

"We really don't! (hic!) Not like that!!" spat Makoto suddenly. "We're not attracted (hic!) to each other, honest! It's all (hic!) Kirika's fault, and those blankety-blank shoujo-ai (hic!) fans, and all those stupid perverted (hic!) Sailor Moon fan boys! It's all their fault for trying to (hic!) hook poor Ami up with me!!"

"…Whaaaat?" By now, everyone was confused, including the Sailor Senshi that were nowhere near the vicinity. When I say "everyone", I even mean Tomoyo and Sakura, who had Tsubasa's video camera at the time, as well as Tim the Enchanter, the old man from scene 24, the ex-leper, Makareus and his crew, and all the chopped-up pieces of Bob. Only God Almighty was not confused…

GOD: HEY THERE, HOW'RE YOU ALL DOING?

…But only because God cannot be confused. So, other than that, nobody had any idea what was going on, and since I've been rambling so long, neither do I! (I spare a glance backwards and recall them talking about the rumors of Makoto's and Ami's love relationship with each other, which they declared completely false)

"We're not in love with each other!" insisted Ami once I got myself back on track. "We're just friends! Jeez! Get that through your sick stupid skulls!"

"I don't know WHY (hic!) Kirika did that to us!!" wailed Makoto helplessly, tears gushing out of her eyes a'la Usagi. "It's Ken I'm (hic!) attracted to! …Or, as the Japanese know, Shinozaki. I mean, COME (hic!) ON!! Any true Sailor Jupiter fan would KNOW that we're just (hic!) right for each other! What's with all this yuri Ami/Makoto love (hic!) crap?!?!"

"And I'm attracted to Greg!" insisted poor Ami. "Or, as the Japanese know him as…… as… uh… well, Al Kristopher didn't have that much information!"

What? What are you looking at? I didn't.

"I'll bet Kirika did," noted Minako. Ami frowned darkly, obviously thinking otherwise.

"I'll bet she didn't! Listen, lady--and all you sick shoujo-ai fans--I love Greg and Makoto loves Ken/Shinozaki! It's always been like that! We're not attracted to each other! You hear? NOT ATTRACTED TO EACH OTHER!!!"

"It's so terrible (hic!) the way those rumors fly!" wailed poor Makoto once again. "Waaaaaaaaa (hic!) aaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!" She bawled out viciously, and Ami bawled as well, and together, the two lovely Senshi cried on each other's shoulders, nearly drowning the whole room with their tears. Minako, Rei, and Usagi each found themselves with a huge drop of sweat on their heads, and wished that they had brought scuba gear for the waterworks. But the crying session ended… eventually… and both Makoto and Ami sniffled and snorted their tears away.

As they withdrew from their hug, their beautiful eyes met. They smiled at each other, bleary-eyed and shaken, and their cheeks turned rosy as they held each other in their arms, and a beautiful light shined in through a window, and harps played and flowers blossomed, and they leaned closer together and…

"WHOA, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!!!!" screamed Minako suddenly. She grinned sheepishly and parted the two weird but loveable girls, and tried to laugh the situation away. "Okay, ladies! I think you both need to spend a little more time outdoors!"

"Agreed," sighed Usagi. "Anyway, uh, what were we talking about before all this?" Nobody seemed to have an answer, so everyone shrugged and went about their business.

"Bye guys!" waved Makoto as she and the others left. "We'll see you (hic!) later!"

"Oh, get a glass of water!"

Rei, unfortunately the only one among them who was attracted to another member of the Senshi team--for the time being--sighed wearily and sat across from Usagi, the woman she had pined for ever since chapter two or three--nobody could tell for certain.

"Oh, right!!" blurted Usagi suddenly. She smiled sheepishly, winked, and gave her best friend a hug. "Welcome back to Tokyo, Rei! We missed you and we hope that you never leave us again!" Rei smiled warmly from the welcome embrace, and poured as much of her love into the hug as she possibly could.

"Mhhnn… thank you, Odango-atama."

"Eh? What'd you call me?" A pause.

"………I have no idea…"

----------

One day passed, and in that day, Rei finally remembered that bad guy she had fought in Okinawa. His name was "Bob", if she remembered correctly, and he had been a rather nasty wimp. He was currently serving as bait for fishes over in the Florida Everglades, but there were most likely other evils out there, some even worser than Bob had been! Oh no!

"Oh no!" exclaimed Rei. "I gotta call a Sailor meeting!" Instantly, all 11,042 Sailor Senshi whisked themselves into Rei's room, until it became so cramped that the whole house exploded from their combined presence. The walls crumbled and fell, killing Chibi-Usa instantly.

"Oh my god, they killed Chibi-Usa!" screamed Usagi. "You monsters!"

"I call this meeting to order!" stated Rei, ignoring the lifeless remains of the girl we all wanted to see die a very ignoble death--or just a death, period. "Now," she resumed, "when I was in Okinawa--"

"So THAT'S where you were all this time!" pointed Minako dramatically. A clap of thunder shook the heavens.

Bum-bum-bummm!!!

"……What was that?" murmured Hotaru. Rei shrugged.

"Yes. Well, anyway, I'll admit that I was in Okinawa for the past… two or three chapters. But I thought it was Disneyland! Honest!"

"Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure you did, Rei!"

"I did!!!!"

"Pipe down, girls" muttered Setsuna calmly. She turned to Rei and raised a commanding hand. "Now, are you going to résumé your conversation, or are we going to get nasty?"

"OOOH, ooh! I know the answer to this one!!!" shouted Minako, hurtling her hand in the air like she was in a game show. Setsuna stared at the hyper girl, her eye twitching nervously, and pointed her finger at her.

"Yes?"

"It's the second one! Get nasty! Get nasty!"

GLOMP!!!

"Some other time!" chuckled Rei weakly as she pounced on poor Minako. The smushed blonde mumbled something helplessly, but nobody heard it since Rei's elbow was currently in the girl's mouth (no ecchi thoughts, now). "Anyway," she said, "where was I?" All eyes turned to Al Kristopher (me), and he once again scrolled up to see where the ladies had left off. Sigh.

"Now," she resumed, "when I was in Okinawa--"

"Oh yeah!" exclaimed Rei. "I was about to tell you all about the evil bad guy that I fought in Okinawa, except that SOMEBODY interrupted me--MINA!!!"

"Sowwy!"

"Whatever. Anyway, I fought a bad guy in Okinawa!"

A pause.

"So?"

"There's bound to be more where that one came from!"

"That is such an (hic!) overused line," sighed Makoto. Rei smiled and shrugged.

"Anyway, I have a feeling that there'll be more, so we should go out and hunt them all down."

"Yippee!" squealed Setsuna. Rei nodded her head, and produced a copy of the original document to this story for her friends to follow. She clearly stated that "Bob" was now fish bait, but Laodameia, her female lover Aiaia, old man Thrinake, Lazarus the redneck hillbilly, Iason--

Iason: HELLO, MY NAME IS IASON!

--and Makareus were left over. Minako shuddered as she read further into the script, where (spoiler) Laodameia had her imprisoned, and made her do really kinky things, but Rei promised that since all this was a parody, things would go different!

"Whew!" whistled a relieved blonde. "Boy, am I glad that won't happen! That was just too bizarre for my own good!"

End spoiler.

…Not really. Tee hee hee!

"So first we kill Laodameia and her female lover Aiaia, who can use the mighty belch of impending doom."

"Pshaw, amateurs!" snorted Chibi-Usa, who had suddenly come back to life. "I don't know what this woman thinks she can do, but nobody can do the mighty belch of impending doom like me!"

"It's true," muttered Usagi, "all of it."

"PROVE IT!"

"Shut yer pie hole!"

"Anyway, we should kill the Lao-lady first," concluded Rei. "We'll go just as soon as the noises in Haruka and Michiru's room have stopped."

"Noises?" parroted a confused Minako. "What do you mean, silly Rei?"

"I mean……… noises."

"Oh. Like, are they playing music, or watching TV, or talking?"

"No, noises! Really… weird noises! Things that don't usually come from a room, especially if the door is open!"

"Oh, noises!" she squealed. "You mean like a jackhammer!"

"Or a dirt bike!"

"How about a singing fish?" suggested Usagi. Veins the size of baseballs appeared on Rei's poor brow.

"No, not like that!" she growled through clenched teeth. "I mean… oh, never mind! Let's just wait and watch cartoons until then!"

And that is exactly what they did.

Meanwhile, at the door of Haruka and Michiru's room, Hotaru pressed her ear to the frame and strained to pick up any of the unusual "noises" that Rei had talked about. At first, she heard nothing, but then, strange sounds perked up…

First, the sound of the bed creaking over and over…

Second, soft grunts and groans…

Third, a small voice: "Don't stop, Haruka! Oh! Please don't stop!"

Fourth, another voice: "I'm winning! I'm winning! I'm gonna beat you, little girl!"

"Oh no you're not, my pretty!" More grunting. A dirty word escaped one of their mouths. Then,

"Harder! Harder! Yes! Yes! Thadda way! That's the way, baby! C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!"

"Oh, who's your daddy?! Who's your daddy!"

"Haruka, please… stop… don't… bounce… so much!"

"YEAH, BABY!!"

"Hotaru!!" Hotaru nearly jerked herself out of her skin as Chibi-Usa snuck up on her and screeched out her name. The poor girl's pulse thumped terribly for awhile, and as she turned to give her friend a smile, beads of sweat were on her red face.

"Y… yes?"

"We're going to have lunch now, okay?"

"Oh… okay…" Probably scarred for life from what she had heard, Hotaru slowly stumbled away from the door, her entire body shivering like she was ready to throw up. She learned her lesson, though, and from that day forward, she never eavesdropped again.

In Haruka and Michiru's room, the tall blonde smiled lustfully at her "friend".

"Another?" she whispered. Michiru, her face flushed from the previous violent activity, weakly nodded her head.

"Yes…" she breathed. "I can… go… for a few more…"

"Good girl…" whispered Haruka slyly. The gorgeous blond woman winked at her "friend", slipped out of the bed, and started a brand new game of Gran Turismo 3. She would not be going so easy this time around!

(Well, what were you expecting?? Pervert.)