Teen Titans Fan Fiction ❯ Life Bonds ❯ Chapter Two ( Chapter 2 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: Sibas 
Non Anime: Teen Titans Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama / Romance / Angst / Shoujo / Shounen | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 02.26.2008 | Pages: 6 | Words: 5.6K | Visits: 364 | Status: Work In Progress
Non Anime: Teen Titans Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama / Romance / Angst / Shoujo / Shounen | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 02.26.2008 | Pages: 6 | Words: 5.6K | Visits: 364 | Status: Work In Progress
Slaves of Passion
Chapter 2- Going home
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The door to Starfire's room slid open and Robin walked out, his body language telling Beast Boy exactly how the conversation had gone. Still, he felt it nessesary to ask, "Still no luck convincing her to stay, huh?"
A stare was his only answer. "Take that as a yes..."
He followed his teamate to the kitchen and was silent as he watched the brunette prepare himself a sandwitch.
It probably wasn't in his best interest to be next to the boy wonder when he was obviously distressed over the situation, but he didn't want to be by himself right now. He felt hopeless about the entire thing, and had found himself wishing more than once that it were a nightmare.
Robin slammed two plates on the counter and even though the changeling wasn't very hungry, he decided to eat it anyway. It gave him something to do, something to keep his mind off....what was happening. They chewed in silence, each wanting to talk but not really wanting to open that can of worms.
Talking meant they were admitting it was real.
It wasn't real.
Starfire wasn't really.....
"She still won't tell me why she's leaving." Robin whispered, clenching his fists tightly.
Beast Boy sat his sandwich down tentivly, his appetite all but gone. "I uh...didn't really hear you ask her...."
Expecting a glare, instead of the tired sigh he got, which only served to confuse him more. "Everytime I'd try, she'd just....start crying again."
They sat there for a few more seconds, before he continued, "I think....I may know why...she's leaving."
"Okaaaay....care to share?" Came the chirp, causing Robin to smile slightly. Even when all hell was breaking loose, Beast Boy was still Beast Boy, and he found himself relaxing at that thought. He wasn't really one for change, and the familiarity set him at ease.
That was, until he remembered the question.
....care to share?
No. He didn't. How could he tell his friend that he was the reason Starfire was leaving the planet? Leaving them? Starfire hated him as it was. He didn't know if he could handle the changeling being mad at him as well.
"It's....I can't.....it's complicated."
He glanced over towards Beast Boy, hoping he'd leave it at that, and was surprised to see his friend staring at Cyborg with a strange look on his face. A sad chuckle escaped green lips. "Yeah...I know the feeling."
Behind the mask, blue eyes widdened.
Beast Boy and Cyborg?
No way.
He had to be imagining it. Of course. Just in his mind. After all, Beast Boy didn't seem to even realize what he'd just said. He'd probably been thinking about Raven and was just....
His mind groaned in frustration. He was beginning to get a headache. Other things needed his attention. Such as, Starfire was leaving the team to return to Tamaran, the fridge was practically empty and needed to be restocked, his dreams with Raven and Starfire were starting to get weirder....
Did it really matter what his friend meant?
Yes, he realized.
For some reason, it did.
Why?
It didn't concern him in the least. BB and Cy could get together with Raven and have one biiiig orgy for all he cared. So long as it didn't affect him....
Another tired sigh. He couldn't even lie to himself properly.
True, it may not affect him what BB and Cy did or didn't do.... but he couldn't help feel....something at the thought of his friends getting together.
It wasn't disgust-- Robin wasn't a homophobe by any means.
Then what? He mused as he munched on what was left of his sandwitch. Taking in a deep breath, he cleared his mind, and then tried to pick up on the very first emotion he felt whenever he thought of his two friends hooking up. A few minutes later, and he headed to the dojo where he could work off his frustrations.
Wrong.
His mind was wrong.
How can your mind be wrong? The practical side of him wondered. He quickly told that side of him that he was busy thinking and would it please be quiet for like two minutes? It did so, but every now and then it grumbled loudly.
Choosing to lift weights instead of the bag, he quickly turned his thoughts back to the matter at hand.
Where was he-- ah, right.
The emotion he'd felt, when he cleared his mind....
The first one that popped up....
Was sadness.
Sadness. He was sad at the thought of them getting together. Sad. Not angry, or disgusted or indifferent, sad.
Robin briefly paused in his mental trantrum long enough to add fifty more pounds to the barbell.
How was it sad?
Why was it sad?
It didn't make any sense.
Beast Boy and Cyborg were probably together. Okay then. Whoopty-doo. He didn't care. Why should he? It didn't matter. At all.
Another fifty pounds were added. He wanted--needed-- to feel the burn in his muscles. The burn would take his mind off the rediculous subject. Because that's what it was. Rediculous. Other things needed his attention, more important things.
And yet....
Why sadness? Why that emotion?
Did that mean he wanted to....be with one of them?
His arms were growing shaky and he didn't have anyone spotting him, so he decided it was wise to call it a day, and started making his way to his bathroom. Entering the tiled room, he removed his costume and then the mask, carefully avoiding his reflection in the mirror, like always.
Trembling hands turned on the cold water and he quickly got in, not even bothering to adjust the temperature.
No. He didn't want to be with Beast Boy. Or Cyborg. He didn't.
So why is it....everytime I think about them together....I feel left out?
That was the only way he could explain it. Like they were leaving him behind.
So then did that mean that....
His legs gave out on him and he slumped to the bottom of the tub, not even trying to get back up. Shivering against the cold water, he leaned his head against the cool shower wall.
For the first time in ages he felt like crying.
So wrong...this is so wrong.....
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"Yeah...I know the feeling."
Robin knew. Robin had to know. He could tell by the look on his face as he exited the room that he knew. The guy was supposedly raised by the worlds greatest freaking detective. He had to know.
Groaning, Beast Boy looked over to the door Robin had walked through not too long ago, and wondered if he should follow his friend. But then Raven entered the room and he had to concentrate on not making a complete full out of himself. Luckily she left after a few minutes, leaving him with some of his dignity in tact. God, even though they'd been dating for about a month, she still managed to make him tongue tied with a single look.
See! His mind chortled smuggly. That PROVES that I'm in love with Raven! Not Ro--
Good GOD what was wrong with him?!
Whimpering, he quickly went to his room, choosing to lock the door. Around him, comics and junk-food wrappers littered the floor. Piles and piles upon clothes were everywhere, making it hard to tell piles from actual furniture. Usually he contemplated cleaning up his room whenever it got this messy, but right now, he loved it. It was safe here. Everything made sense in his room. In these four walls, no insanity could get through no matter how hard it tried.
It was his space. His sacred space.
He flopped onto his bed, closing his eyes tightly. Everything was messed up. Starfire was leaving them. He was having romantic thoughts about Cyborg, and now apparently his mind had latched onto Robin. His relationship with Raven was suffering as a result of his thoughts about the half-robot, and now it looked like it was going to go up in flames with his mind adding the boy-wonder to the whole mess.
Nothing made sense anymore.
Why was Starfire leaving them? Ever since she'd had that break down during the movie she'd been acting standoffish. And depressed. She'd cried for two whole hours in her room, telling them through her sobs that she was sorry, and that it was nothing to worry themselves about.
Yeah, right.
Truth was, listening to her crying had made them all uneasy. She was hurt. She was hurt and there was nothing they could do about, because she wasn't talking and Raven for some reason refused to even try and enter her mind. So they had to stand back and listen to what sounded like her heart breaking.
And theirs.
They had all sat around idly, doing nothing until the sobs had died down. Waited for her to come out, only to realize that she'd cried herself to sleep.
Which didn't make them feel any better.
One thing was apparent though; Starfire...
Wasn't happy with them anymore.
And if she had to leave in order to be happy...
Well then that....was just what she had to do.
But it still hurt.
Starfire always tried the meals he came up with, just like he always tried her Tamaranian recepes. Her smile could light up the entire room; the entire world if she really put some effort into it. She was always willing to learn new things and there was always room in her heart for more.
She meant the world to him.
He froze like a deer caught in the head-lights.
She meant the world to him....in a sisterly way.
Not in a loving way. Because that would just be weird. That was impossible.
Beast Boy didn't love Starfire. Okay, maybe he did, but he wasn't in love with her. Not like he was with Cy--
"RAVEN GOD DAMNIT!!!" He exploded, before his mind could even finish that word. That name.
Raven. He was in love with RAVEN. Not Cyborg. Or Robin. Or Starfire. His mind was just confused, due to Starfire abandoning the team. Right. Confused. That's all.
Due to...Starfire....
The changeling rubbed a hand over his face wearily. Even though he knew that wasn't her intention....
It still felt like abandonment.
And even though she said she'd keep in touch.....
He couldn't help but think that to be a lie too.
Everything's falling apart... Beast Boy thought, as he gazed up at his ceiling sadly.
He was happy with Raven. She completed him in a way that was....unbelievable.
Yet there was a part of him.....
That wanted more.
And he wasn't sure how much more Raven could give him. He loved her. He loved her, he did. He was happy, with her. With Raven.
Then how come it's only when I'm surrounded by them all, that I'm the happiest? That I feel the most complete?
Turning on his side he burried his face into his pillow, trying hard to fight the burning feeling in his throat.
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Starfire didn't want to leave.
She didn't want to leave Earth. The beautiful planet was so intruging, with it's different people and customs. She was only just beginning to understand them and their ways. There was still so much to see, so much to do and she wanted to witness it all.
More importantly, she didn't want to leave the Titans. When she was with them she didn't feel like an alien or a troq. She felt complete. Like for the first time she fit in without having to pretend to be something she wasn't. Even back on Tamaran, there had always been a gap between she and her people. Because try as she might, she just wasn't Komand'r. She didn't have the same fierce power; the same type of spirit, and she always felt that when they looked at her, they kept expecting to see a little bit of her sister. And she feared that one day they'd realize that she wasn't Komand'r...
And she'd see dissapointment in their eyes.
She feared that day was coming closer and closer, as she spent more time on Earth and away from Tamaran.
Tamaran was a beautiful planet in it's own way, but it had stopped feeling like home a long time ago. Instead her home was with a group of people who cared about her in ways she'd never thought possible. People who could make her feel so depressed, yet turn around and make her feel like she was the most important being in the universe. Similar to her k'norfka, yet different.
Except....
It wasn't enough.
They couldn't care the way she needed them to, and it felt unfair to even ask.
And having to watch them every day, without being able to show them just how much they meant to her, how much she wanted them....well, hiding her emotions had never been Starfire's strong suit and it was only a matter of time before they found out. And then she'd lose everything. The team, their friendship....and their respect.
Which would.....hurt. A lot.
She didn't want to leave them all behind. Didn't want to return to Tamaran where everything seemed so cold, even with Galfore there. Where there was probably a suitor already waiting for her. But it was for the best. In time, she'd probably forget all about the Titans. Swallowing, she picked up the small backpack from her round bed.
A small note was on her desk, and Starfire gave it a nervous glance before exiting the room and heading towards the roof. All the while trying to convince herself that it was nessessary for her to take the cowardly way out. She couldn't say good-bye, not face-to-face.
Because then she'd start promising them things...Promises she couldn't keep. And if they looked into her eyes, they'd be able to see she was lying. They'd be hurt...and she couldn't bare to cause them any more pain than she'd already had.
So, she chose to leave in the middle of the night, when they were all sleeping.
It is for the best, she kept trying to convince herself as she picked up speed in order to break the atmophere.
Faster.
She'd forget them, in time.
Faster.
Forget about the small things Raven did to show she cared.
Faster.
Forget about the times Robin taught her something new about Earth.
Faster.
Forget about all the times Beast Boy made her laugh.
Faster.
Forget about Cyborg, and his obsession with meat.
Faster.
Forget about how they made her feel like she really belonged.
Faster.
Forget about how she loved each and every one of them.
Faster.
Faster
Faster.
And then she was free, hovering above the planet like the alien she truly was. Frozen in place, knowing that if she continued on, continued to Tamaran, that she'd be leaving them forever, that she'd forget.
Her vision blurred as she stared down at the beautiful planet she'd learned to call home. It was so beautiful. So precious. So unbelivably fragile, but swarming with it's own energy that was entirely unique, the same type of energy that had kept it alive all this time.
"I do not wish to forget." Starfire sobbed.
She didn't want to. Couldn't. It hurt to remember them, but it would kill her not to.
There were a lot of things she wanted. A lot of people she wanted. It wasn't possbile. And yet...she couldn't help but hope...
"I do not wish to leave." Curling into a small ball, she wrapped her arms around her legs. "I have had many nice experiences here." Her throat tightened. "Please, is it not possible for me to stay?"
Felt herself drifting closer and closer to Earth. To the people who cared.
Maybe she could explain. Maybe, just maybe--
NO! Realizing what she was doing, Starfire jerked away as if burned. No.
If she told them, if she even tried to explain, she'd lose it all.
No.
Taking in a deep breath, she forced herself to turn around and begin the journey back to Tamaran.
She cried the whole way there.
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Beast Boy was avoiding him.
And Cyborg couldn't for the life of him figure out why.
It seemed that everytime he walked in the same room as the changeling, he'd make some excuse and before Cyborg knew it, he was alone again. With...
Robin.
Which was very awkward, seeing how it seemed like Robin was avoiding both him, Beast Boy and Raven. Days at the Tower, which used to be full of laughter and warmth, were now filled with ice and intensity. Everyone was tip toeing around the other. The only time the team was together was when they were out fighting crime, and even then they weren't truly together.
Because there wasn't a bubbly Tamaranian floating above them, cheering about their victory. Now there was just silence. And even though it had been nearly three weeks since her departure, he still kept looking up, expecting to see her sitting next to him, sipping mustard through a straw.
The first few days were the hardest, the pain of losing one of their own raw in their minds. Yet after two weeks passed, Cyborg couldn't handle being alone with his thoughts any more. He'd spent enough time in his room, tinkering over his gadjets and moping.
So, he'd decided to find Beast Boy, and challenge him to a video-game marathon. It would fill their minds up with mindless explosions and pass the time until the next villan decided to make themselves noticed. Perfect. Only, Beast Boy hadn't been the easiest person to find.
They were in a tower, on a freaking island. One would think that it would only take a few minutes, an hour tops, to locate his best friend. The guy was GREEN for crying out loud. It wasn't like he blended in with the paint or anything.
Three hours later and it was beginning to occur to the cyborg that he was being avoided. Figuring his friend needed a bit more time to himself, he went to the arcade to blow off a few hours. A few days later he tried again, asking BB if he wanted to see a movie, only for the changeling to walk right past him as if he hadn't even existed!
At first he was stunned. Then stunned turned to anger, and then anger turned to depression, which meant he was back to tinkering and moping again. His days usually consisted of training, fighting, eating, sleeping, tinkering and moping. It was all so....depressing.
The team was breaking apart, and he knew it was only a matter of time before the Teen Titans were no more. They were just a bunch of strangers working together now. Maybe that was why Starfire left. Maybe the alien could sense that they were drifting apart, and had decided to leave before she could witness it.
No....knowing Starfire, she'd have probably tried to fix things, not leave, if she felt they were heading down that road.
Knowing Starfire....
That thought made him wince slightly. Did any of them really know Starfire?
He recalled her breakdown, and how she had cried for what seemed like forever. A person didn't just go into fits, not ones like that. Something like that had to build over time. Meaning that she'd been holding in her feelings for a while now, and finally couldn't take it any more.
It was enough to make any person feel guilty. Friends were supposed to be there for each other. Had Starfire really felt like she couldn't talk to any of them? Had she really thought that they wouldn't listen? That they wouldn't care?
Letting out a sigh, he put down the newest invention he'd been working on and stood up. He'd been sitting at his worktable for the past two hours, just staring at the wires and small metal peices. His mind was fuzzy and not really taking in anything, so he decided that some fresh air would clear his head a little.
Knowing that it was early in the morning and the others were still asleep, he quietly made his way up to the roof. Just a few minutes of air, and then he'd go back to his room and continue working, again. Nah, he was tired of his toys. Maybe he'd go and see a movie or something, by himself.
He frowned as he sat down on the edge of the roof, gazing across the river towards Jump City. Going to a movie wasn't really all that great if you went alone. Because there wasn't anyone to talk to, to fight over snacks with, or to make stupid comments with that eventually got you thrown out of the--
Maybe I'll just....go anyway. Anything to get out of the Tower.
Cyborg smiled slightly, knowing that he wouldn't be going to the movies today. Or tomorrow. Or any other day. Not by himself, at least.
"Mind if I join you?"
He jumped at the voice, and saw Raven standing a few feet away, shifting from one foot to the other awkwardly. It was such a forein look on the psychic, and he felt his spirits drop even further. Had they drifted apart to much that Raven felt like she had to ask?
"Nah. I could use some company."
She sat down next to him, close enough to be friendly, but farther than she usually sat, so as to not cross any boundries. He noticed it, but didn't feel comfortable enough to point it out. She was treating him like he was a stranger, like she didn't know how to handle him. That thought caused his chest to tighten. They were friends. She didn't have to act so stifly around him.
They sat in silence for a long time, both noticing the large gap between them, but neither of them knowing how to go about reparing it. An hour must have passed, an awkard one at that, before Raven finally spoke up, her voice halting as she asked, "Do you.....think I'm....difficult....to talk to?"
It was such a weird question, especially coming from her, but Cyborg gave it the careful consideration it deserved. "This has to do with Starfire, right?"
"Just answer the question."
A smile threatened to break loose, the corners of his mouth twitching, but he had a feeling she wasn't in a mood for jokes, so he sighed, fighting the impulse. "What do you want me to say, Raven? You can be a bit scary sometimes."
The silence returned, and he could tell that his words had hurt her, even though she'd never admit it. Things were just so weird between them...between everybody, really...and he just didn't know how to handle it, or if it was even worth handling anymore.
Maybe Starfire'd had the right idea....
Perhaps it was better to get out before the entire team fell apart. Maybe join a new team.
Maybe....
Because the Teen Titans were falling apart, and it seemed like no body was making an effort to keep them together. That had always been Starfire's job. And now that she was gone...
There was no one to take her place.
So is this the way it's going to be? Cyborg thought, as he watched Raven get up and turn to walk away. Are we just going to continue to drift apart, until we don't even remember each other? Are we just going to forget?
He suddenly reached out and grabbed her hand, knowing by the way her body stiffened that he was crossing many boundries, but not letting go. I don't want that to happen, He realized. This...this is the only family I have left...
"You wanna....go see a movie?"
A raised eyebrow. "A movie?"
"Yeah. There's this....new horror one that I hear's pretty good." Please....I don't want to be alone right now.
She bit her lip in hesitation, before nodding. "Sounds...fun."
It didn't, really, and he knew that. Sitting around in a dark theater watching what was probably some over-cliched gore-ridden film wasn't really his idea of a good time. But as they made their way to the city, talking in halting and unsure tones, he couldn't help but let a smile cross his face.
Maybe he'd stick around after all.
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I've already seen this movie. Raven thought, as she and Cyborg entered the movie theater. It sucked the first time I saw it, and chances are, it's going to suck even more the second time I watch it. But she didn't say a word as they gathered their drinks and popcorn and headed towards their seats.
Not surprisingly, the room was empty. Not a single person was in the theater. One would think that someone would want to see the damn thing, but no. Not one soul entered besides them. Mentally groaning, she sunk down into a chair, joined a few seconds later by Cyborg, who let out a low whistle at seeing how deserted the place was.
"Wow. This movie must suuuuuuck." He smiled sheepishly at Raven, not realizing she'd already seen the film. "I'm sure they're just all in the bathroom or something."
Violet eyes rolled. "Bathroom, right."
She noticed that he had left a seat between them and was startled at how much that hurt. What did she care if he didn't feel comfortable around her? She was used to that. Shouldn't even matter at all.
They sat there and watched the movie for a good fifteen minutes, before Cyborg let out a small yawn. Raven sighed, knowing that sitting down and quietly watching a horror feature wasn't really what he was used to. She knew all about how BB and he would joke around and get themselves kicked out.
But she wasn't BB. Wasn't as funny as the green changeling, nor did she have the same confidence he did. Besides, Cyborg wasn't expecting her to start cracking jokes. He knew what type of person she was. But as he let out another yawn, Raven found herself racking her brain for something funny to say.
It wasn't expected of her....in fact, it was completely out of character for her....
Yet Cyborg was trying so hard. It only felt fair to do the same. Only, she didn't know how to go about it. She wasn't really that good with handeling people. And things were still very awkward with them, evident by the empty seat between them. She didn't want to make the situation worse.
Why bother anyway? So what if she wasn't as talkative or as fun as the others? It didn't mean anything. That didn't make her a bad person to hang around....it couldn't, really, or Cyborg wouldn't have asked her to come, right? Only, she knew that wasn't the reason. He'd asked her along because he hadn't wanted to be alone. She knew that if given the choice between her, Robin or Beast Boy, he'd choose one of the guys over her every time.
And that hurt. She didn't want him to choose her just because she was his only choice. She wanted him to choose her because he wanted to be with her. She bit her lip thoughtfully, her stomach churning as the film progressed on, and Cyborg got more and more bored. It didn't matter.....it shouldn't matter...but before she knew what she was doing, she let out a nervous snicker and said, "Is it just me or did that guy look oddly aroused that time?"
Cyborg blinked at her, startled. They stared at eachother for a few tense seconds, before he started chuckling.
Raven wasn't exactly sure how it happened, but before she knew it, they were throwing insults at the movie and while she wasn't exactly laughing loudly like he was, she did have a rather large smirk on her face. One that had threatnened several times to turn into a smile.
Sometime during the film, he had gotten up to get refills, and for a second she'd almost been afraid he wouldn't return. But he had, and even better, he'd taken the seat right next to her. The smirk that threatened to turn into a smile did just that, and he quickly flashed one back, surprised but not displeased by any means.
It made her think that maybe things weren't such a lost cause afterall.
They weren't thrown out, seeing how they'd been the only ones in there, but she did make him laugh, and that was just as good. And somewhere along the movie, it had stopped feeling like a chore, like something she felt she had to do, and it started feeling....natural.
Like she was meant to be by his side, feeling warm and content for once. And she actually felt more complete than she had in a long time. There was still something missing, but it felt sort of like in her dream, where she was allowed to be open and not have to worry about the consequences.
After the movie was over, and they started heading back for the Tower in silence. But this time it was a comfortable one, and she didn't feel like she had to break it or try and fill it was pointless conversation. It was relaxing. Peaceful.
"Hey, Raven?"
She glanced his way, not really feeling like talking right at the moment. She'd talked more at the theater than she probably had in her entire life. Her social battery was on empty. "Hmm?"
He smiled. "Thanks."
Well, maybe she had just a little more juice in her battery...
"No problem. Anytime."
And as they entered the Tower and went their seperate ways....
Raven realized she meant every word.
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Kyaaaaaaaaaa!!!! I just love the Cy/Rae's chapters. Very rarely do I like the way I end a chapter, and I'm pleased to say that this is one of those times! I was a bit....out of it....when I wrote them, so if it's weird, I apologize. I hope you guys liked it! R & R!!!!!!
Chapter 2- Going home
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The door to Starfire's room slid open and Robin walked out, his body language telling Beast Boy exactly how the conversation had gone. Still, he felt it nessesary to ask, "Still no luck convincing her to stay, huh?"
A stare was his only answer. "Take that as a yes..."
He followed his teamate to the kitchen and was silent as he watched the brunette prepare himself a sandwitch.
It probably wasn't in his best interest to be next to the boy wonder when he was obviously distressed over the situation, but he didn't want to be by himself right now. He felt hopeless about the entire thing, and had found himself wishing more than once that it were a nightmare.
Robin slammed two plates on the counter and even though the changeling wasn't very hungry, he decided to eat it anyway. It gave him something to do, something to keep his mind off....what was happening. They chewed in silence, each wanting to talk but not really wanting to open that can of worms.
Talking meant they were admitting it was real.
It wasn't real.
Starfire wasn't really.....
"She still won't tell me why she's leaving." Robin whispered, clenching his fists tightly.
Beast Boy sat his sandwich down tentivly, his appetite all but gone. "I uh...didn't really hear you ask her...."
Expecting a glare, instead of the tired sigh he got, which only served to confuse him more. "Everytime I'd try, she'd just....start crying again."
They sat there for a few more seconds, before he continued, "I think....I may know why...she's leaving."
"Okaaaay....care to share?" Came the chirp, causing Robin to smile slightly. Even when all hell was breaking loose, Beast Boy was still Beast Boy, and he found himself relaxing at that thought. He wasn't really one for change, and the familiarity set him at ease.
That was, until he remembered the question.
....care to share?
No. He didn't. How could he tell his friend that he was the reason Starfire was leaving the planet? Leaving them? Starfire hated him as it was. He didn't know if he could handle the changeling being mad at him as well.
"It's....I can't.....it's complicated."
He glanced over towards Beast Boy, hoping he'd leave it at that, and was surprised to see his friend staring at Cyborg with a strange look on his face. A sad chuckle escaped green lips. "Yeah...I know the feeling."
Behind the mask, blue eyes widdened.
Beast Boy and Cyborg?
No way.
He had to be imagining it. Of course. Just in his mind. After all, Beast Boy didn't seem to even realize what he'd just said. He'd probably been thinking about Raven and was just....
His mind groaned in frustration. He was beginning to get a headache. Other things needed his attention. Such as, Starfire was leaving the team to return to Tamaran, the fridge was practically empty and needed to be restocked, his dreams with Raven and Starfire were starting to get weirder....
Did it really matter what his friend meant?
Yes, he realized.
For some reason, it did.
Why?
It didn't concern him in the least. BB and Cy could get together with Raven and have one biiiig orgy for all he cared. So long as it didn't affect him....
Another tired sigh. He couldn't even lie to himself properly.
True, it may not affect him what BB and Cy did or didn't do.... but he couldn't help feel....something at the thought of his friends getting together.
It wasn't disgust-- Robin wasn't a homophobe by any means.
Then what? He mused as he munched on what was left of his sandwitch. Taking in a deep breath, he cleared his mind, and then tried to pick up on the very first emotion he felt whenever he thought of his two friends hooking up. A few minutes later, and he headed to the dojo where he could work off his frustrations.
Wrong.
His mind was wrong.
How can your mind be wrong? The practical side of him wondered. He quickly told that side of him that he was busy thinking and would it please be quiet for like two minutes? It did so, but every now and then it grumbled loudly.
Choosing to lift weights instead of the bag, he quickly turned his thoughts back to the matter at hand.
Where was he-- ah, right.
The emotion he'd felt, when he cleared his mind....
The first one that popped up....
Was sadness.
Sadness. He was sad at the thought of them getting together. Sad. Not angry, or disgusted or indifferent, sad.
Robin briefly paused in his mental trantrum long enough to add fifty more pounds to the barbell.
How was it sad?
Why was it sad?
It didn't make any sense.
Beast Boy and Cyborg were probably together. Okay then. Whoopty-doo. He didn't care. Why should he? It didn't matter. At all.
Another fifty pounds were added. He wanted--needed-- to feel the burn in his muscles. The burn would take his mind off the rediculous subject. Because that's what it was. Rediculous. Other things needed his attention, more important things.
And yet....
Why sadness? Why that emotion?
Did that mean he wanted to....be with one of them?
His arms were growing shaky and he didn't have anyone spotting him, so he decided it was wise to call it a day, and started making his way to his bathroom. Entering the tiled room, he removed his costume and then the mask, carefully avoiding his reflection in the mirror, like always.
Trembling hands turned on the cold water and he quickly got in, not even bothering to adjust the temperature.
No. He didn't want to be with Beast Boy. Or Cyborg. He didn't.
So why is it....everytime I think about them together....I feel left out?
That was the only way he could explain it. Like they were leaving him behind.
So then did that mean that....
His legs gave out on him and he slumped to the bottom of the tub, not even trying to get back up. Shivering against the cold water, he leaned his head against the cool shower wall.
For the first time in ages he felt like crying.
So wrong...this is so wrong.....
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"Yeah...I know the feeling."
Robin knew. Robin had to know. He could tell by the look on his face as he exited the room that he knew. The guy was supposedly raised by the worlds greatest freaking detective. He had to know.
Groaning, Beast Boy looked over to the door Robin had walked through not too long ago, and wondered if he should follow his friend. But then Raven entered the room and he had to concentrate on not making a complete full out of himself. Luckily she left after a few minutes, leaving him with some of his dignity in tact. God, even though they'd been dating for about a month, she still managed to make him tongue tied with a single look.
See! His mind chortled smuggly. That PROVES that I'm in love with Raven! Not Ro--
Good GOD what was wrong with him?!
Whimpering, he quickly went to his room, choosing to lock the door. Around him, comics and junk-food wrappers littered the floor. Piles and piles upon clothes were everywhere, making it hard to tell piles from actual furniture. Usually he contemplated cleaning up his room whenever it got this messy, but right now, he loved it. It was safe here. Everything made sense in his room. In these four walls, no insanity could get through no matter how hard it tried.
It was his space. His sacred space.
He flopped onto his bed, closing his eyes tightly. Everything was messed up. Starfire was leaving them. He was having romantic thoughts about Cyborg, and now apparently his mind had latched onto Robin. His relationship with Raven was suffering as a result of his thoughts about the half-robot, and now it looked like it was going to go up in flames with his mind adding the boy-wonder to the whole mess.
Nothing made sense anymore.
Why was Starfire leaving them? Ever since she'd had that break down during the movie she'd been acting standoffish. And depressed. She'd cried for two whole hours in her room, telling them through her sobs that she was sorry, and that it was nothing to worry themselves about.
Yeah, right.
Truth was, listening to her crying had made them all uneasy. She was hurt. She was hurt and there was nothing they could do about, because she wasn't talking and Raven for some reason refused to even try and enter her mind. So they had to stand back and listen to what sounded like her heart breaking.
And theirs.
They had all sat around idly, doing nothing until the sobs had died down. Waited for her to come out, only to realize that she'd cried herself to sleep.
Which didn't make them feel any better.
One thing was apparent though; Starfire...
Wasn't happy with them anymore.
And if she had to leave in order to be happy...
Well then that....was just what she had to do.
But it still hurt.
Starfire always tried the meals he came up with, just like he always tried her Tamaranian recepes. Her smile could light up the entire room; the entire world if she really put some effort into it. She was always willing to learn new things and there was always room in her heart for more.
She meant the world to him.
He froze like a deer caught in the head-lights.
She meant the world to him....in a sisterly way.
Not in a loving way. Because that would just be weird. That was impossible.
Beast Boy didn't love Starfire. Okay, maybe he did, but he wasn't in love with her. Not like he was with Cy--
"RAVEN GOD DAMNIT!!!" He exploded, before his mind could even finish that word. That name.
Raven. He was in love with RAVEN. Not Cyborg. Or Robin. Or Starfire. His mind was just confused, due to Starfire abandoning the team. Right. Confused. That's all.
Due to...Starfire....
The changeling rubbed a hand over his face wearily. Even though he knew that wasn't her intention....
It still felt like abandonment.
And even though she said she'd keep in touch.....
He couldn't help but think that to be a lie too.
Everything's falling apart... Beast Boy thought, as he gazed up at his ceiling sadly.
He was happy with Raven. She completed him in a way that was....unbelievable.
Yet there was a part of him.....
That wanted more.
And he wasn't sure how much more Raven could give him. He loved her. He loved her, he did. He was happy, with her. With Raven.
Then how come it's only when I'm surrounded by them all, that I'm the happiest? That I feel the most complete?
Turning on his side he burried his face into his pillow, trying hard to fight the burning feeling in his throat.
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Starfire didn't want to leave.
She didn't want to leave Earth. The beautiful planet was so intruging, with it's different people and customs. She was only just beginning to understand them and their ways. There was still so much to see, so much to do and she wanted to witness it all.
More importantly, she didn't want to leave the Titans. When she was with them she didn't feel like an alien or a troq. She felt complete. Like for the first time she fit in without having to pretend to be something she wasn't. Even back on Tamaran, there had always been a gap between she and her people. Because try as she might, she just wasn't Komand'r. She didn't have the same fierce power; the same type of spirit, and she always felt that when they looked at her, they kept expecting to see a little bit of her sister. And she feared that one day they'd realize that she wasn't Komand'r...
And she'd see dissapointment in their eyes.
She feared that day was coming closer and closer, as she spent more time on Earth and away from Tamaran.
Tamaran was a beautiful planet in it's own way, but it had stopped feeling like home a long time ago. Instead her home was with a group of people who cared about her in ways she'd never thought possible. People who could make her feel so depressed, yet turn around and make her feel like she was the most important being in the universe. Similar to her k'norfka, yet different.
Except....
It wasn't enough.
They couldn't care the way she needed them to, and it felt unfair to even ask.
And having to watch them every day, without being able to show them just how much they meant to her, how much she wanted them....well, hiding her emotions had never been Starfire's strong suit and it was only a matter of time before they found out. And then she'd lose everything. The team, their friendship....and their respect.
Which would.....hurt. A lot.
She didn't want to leave them all behind. Didn't want to return to Tamaran where everything seemed so cold, even with Galfore there. Where there was probably a suitor already waiting for her. But it was for the best. In time, she'd probably forget all about the Titans. Swallowing, she picked up the small backpack from her round bed.
A small note was on her desk, and Starfire gave it a nervous glance before exiting the room and heading towards the roof. All the while trying to convince herself that it was nessessary for her to take the cowardly way out. She couldn't say good-bye, not face-to-face.
Because then she'd start promising them things...Promises she couldn't keep. And if they looked into her eyes, they'd be able to see she was lying. They'd be hurt...and she couldn't bare to cause them any more pain than she'd already had.
So, she chose to leave in the middle of the night, when they were all sleeping.
It is for the best, she kept trying to convince herself as she picked up speed in order to break the atmophere.
Faster.
She'd forget them, in time.
Faster.
Forget about the small things Raven did to show she cared.
Faster.
Forget about the times Robin taught her something new about Earth.
Faster.
Forget about all the times Beast Boy made her laugh.
Faster.
Forget about Cyborg, and his obsession with meat.
Faster.
Forget about how they made her feel like she really belonged.
Faster.
Forget about how she loved each and every one of them.
Faster.
Faster
Faster.
And then she was free, hovering above the planet like the alien she truly was. Frozen in place, knowing that if she continued on, continued to Tamaran, that she'd be leaving them forever, that she'd forget.
Her vision blurred as she stared down at the beautiful planet she'd learned to call home. It was so beautiful. So precious. So unbelivably fragile, but swarming with it's own energy that was entirely unique, the same type of energy that had kept it alive all this time.
"I do not wish to forget." Starfire sobbed.
She didn't want to. Couldn't. It hurt to remember them, but it would kill her not to.
There were a lot of things she wanted. A lot of people she wanted. It wasn't possbile. And yet...she couldn't help but hope...
"I do not wish to leave." Curling into a small ball, she wrapped her arms around her legs. "I have had many nice experiences here." Her throat tightened. "Please, is it not possible for me to stay?"
Felt herself drifting closer and closer to Earth. To the people who cared.
Maybe she could explain. Maybe, just maybe--
NO! Realizing what she was doing, Starfire jerked away as if burned. No.
If she told them, if she even tried to explain, she'd lose it all.
No.
Taking in a deep breath, she forced herself to turn around and begin the journey back to Tamaran.
She cried the whole way there.
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Beast Boy was avoiding him.
And Cyborg couldn't for the life of him figure out why.
It seemed that everytime he walked in the same room as the changeling, he'd make some excuse and before Cyborg knew it, he was alone again. With...
Robin.
Which was very awkward, seeing how it seemed like Robin was avoiding both him, Beast Boy and Raven. Days at the Tower, which used to be full of laughter and warmth, were now filled with ice and intensity. Everyone was tip toeing around the other. The only time the team was together was when they were out fighting crime, and even then they weren't truly together.
Because there wasn't a bubbly Tamaranian floating above them, cheering about their victory. Now there was just silence. And even though it had been nearly three weeks since her departure, he still kept looking up, expecting to see her sitting next to him, sipping mustard through a straw.
The first few days were the hardest, the pain of losing one of their own raw in their minds. Yet after two weeks passed, Cyborg couldn't handle being alone with his thoughts any more. He'd spent enough time in his room, tinkering over his gadjets and moping.
So, he'd decided to find Beast Boy, and challenge him to a video-game marathon. It would fill their minds up with mindless explosions and pass the time until the next villan decided to make themselves noticed. Perfect. Only, Beast Boy hadn't been the easiest person to find.
They were in a tower, on a freaking island. One would think that it would only take a few minutes, an hour tops, to locate his best friend. The guy was GREEN for crying out loud. It wasn't like he blended in with the paint or anything.
Three hours later and it was beginning to occur to the cyborg that he was being avoided. Figuring his friend needed a bit more time to himself, he went to the arcade to blow off a few hours. A few days later he tried again, asking BB if he wanted to see a movie, only for the changeling to walk right past him as if he hadn't even existed!
At first he was stunned. Then stunned turned to anger, and then anger turned to depression, which meant he was back to tinkering and moping again. His days usually consisted of training, fighting, eating, sleeping, tinkering and moping. It was all so....depressing.
The team was breaking apart, and he knew it was only a matter of time before the Teen Titans were no more. They were just a bunch of strangers working together now. Maybe that was why Starfire left. Maybe the alien could sense that they were drifting apart, and had decided to leave before she could witness it.
No....knowing Starfire, she'd have probably tried to fix things, not leave, if she felt they were heading down that road.
Knowing Starfire....
That thought made him wince slightly. Did any of them really know Starfire?
He recalled her breakdown, and how she had cried for what seemed like forever. A person didn't just go into fits, not ones like that. Something like that had to build over time. Meaning that she'd been holding in her feelings for a while now, and finally couldn't take it any more.
It was enough to make any person feel guilty. Friends were supposed to be there for each other. Had Starfire really felt like she couldn't talk to any of them? Had she really thought that they wouldn't listen? That they wouldn't care?
Letting out a sigh, he put down the newest invention he'd been working on and stood up. He'd been sitting at his worktable for the past two hours, just staring at the wires and small metal peices. His mind was fuzzy and not really taking in anything, so he decided that some fresh air would clear his head a little.
Knowing that it was early in the morning and the others were still asleep, he quietly made his way up to the roof. Just a few minutes of air, and then he'd go back to his room and continue working, again. Nah, he was tired of his toys. Maybe he'd go and see a movie or something, by himself.
He frowned as he sat down on the edge of the roof, gazing across the river towards Jump City. Going to a movie wasn't really all that great if you went alone. Because there wasn't anyone to talk to, to fight over snacks with, or to make stupid comments with that eventually got you thrown out of the--
Maybe I'll just....go anyway. Anything to get out of the Tower.
Cyborg smiled slightly, knowing that he wouldn't be going to the movies today. Or tomorrow. Or any other day. Not by himself, at least.
"Mind if I join you?"
He jumped at the voice, and saw Raven standing a few feet away, shifting from one foot to the other awkwardly. It was such a forein look on the psychic, and he felt his spirits drop even further. Had they drifted apart to much that Raven felt like she had to ask?
"Nah. I could use some company."
She sat down next to him, close enough to be friendly, but farther than she usually sat, so as to not cross any boundries. He noticed it, but didn't feel comfortable enough to point it out. She was treating him like he was a stranger, like she didn't know how to handle him. That thought caused his chest to tighten. They were friends. She didn't have to act so stifly around him.
They sat in silence for a long time, both noticing the large gap between them, but neither of them knowing how to go about reparing it. An hour must have passed, an awkard one at that, before Raven finally spoke up, her voice halting as she asked, "Do you.....think I'm....difficult....to talk to?"
It was such a weird question, especially coming from her, but Cyborg gave it the careful consideration it deserved. "This has to do with Starfire, right?"
"Just answer the question."
A smile threatened to break loose, the corners of his mouth twitching, but he had a feeling she wasn't in a mood for jokes, so he sighed, fighting the impulse. "What do you want me to say, Raven? You can be a bit scary sometimes."
The silence returned, and he could tell that his words had hurt her, even though she'd never admit it. Things were just so weird between them...between everybody, really...and he just didn't know how to handle it, or if it was even worth handling anymore.
Maybe Starfire'd had the right idea....
Perhaps it was better to get out before the entire team fell apart. Maybe join a new team.
Maybe....
Because the Teen Titans were falling apart, and it seemed like no body was making an effort to keep them together. That had always been Starfire's job. And now that she was gone...
There was no one to take her place.
So is this the way it's going to be? Cyborg thought, as he watched Raven get up and turn to walk away. Are we just going to continue to drift apart, until we don't even remember each other? Are we just going to forget?
He suddenly reached out and grabbed her hand, knowing by the way her body stiffened that he was crossing many boundries, but not letting go. I don't want that to happen, He realized. This...this is the only family I have left...
"You wanna....go see a movie?"
A raised eyebrow. "A movie?"
"Yeah. There's this....new horror one that I hear's pretty good." Please....I don't want to be alone right now.
She bit her lip in hesitation, before nodding. "Sounds...fun."
It didn't, really, and he knew that. Sitting around in a dark theater watching what was probably some over-cliched gore-ridden film wasn't really his idea of a good time. But as they made their way to the city, talking in halting and unsure tones, he couldn't help but let a smile cross his face.
Maybe he'd stick around after all.
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I've already seen this movie. Raven thought, as she and Cyborg entered the movie theater. It sucked the first time I saw it, and chances are, it's going to suck even more the second time I watch it. But she didn't say a word as they gathered their drinks and popcorn and headed towards their seats.
Not surprisingly, the room was empty. Not a single person was in the theater. One would think that someone would want to see the damn thing, but no. Not one soul entered besides them. Mentally groaning, she sunk down into a chair, joined a few seconds later by Cyborg, who let out a low whistle at seeing how deserted the place was.
"Wow. This movie must suuuuuuck." He smiled sheepishly at Raven, not realizing she'd already seen the film. "I'm sure they're just all in the bathroom or something."
Violet eyes rolled. "Bathroom, right."
She noticed that he had left a seat between them and was startled at how much that hurt. What did she care if he didn't feel comfortable around her? She was used to that. Shouldn't even matter at all.
They sat there and watched the movie for a good fifteen minutes, before Cyborg let out a small yawn. Raven sighed, knowing that sitting down and quietly watching a horror feature wasn't really what he was used to. She knew all about how BB and he would joke around and get themselves kicked out.
But she wasn't BB. Wasn't as funny as the green changeling, nor did she have the same confidence he did. Besides, Cyborg wasn't expecting her to start cracking jokes. He knew what type of person she was. But as he let out another yawn, Raven found herself racking her brain for something funny to say.
It wasn't expected of her....in fact, it was completely out of character for her....
Yet Cyborg was trying so hard. It only felt fair to do the same. Only, she didn't know how to go about it. She wasn't really that good with handeling people. And things were still very awkward with them, evident by the empty seat between them. She didn't want to make the situation worse.
Why bother anyway? So what if she wasn't as talkative or as fun as the others? It didn't mean anything. That didn't make her a bad person to hang around....it couldn't, really, or Cyborg wouldn't have asked her to come, right? Only, she knew that wasn't the reason. He'd asked her along because he hadn't wanted to be alone. She knew that if given the choice between her, Robin or Beast Boy, he'd choose one of the guys over her every time.
And that hurt. She didn't want him to choose her just because she was his only choice. She wanted him to choose her because he wanted to be with her. She bit her lip thoughtfully, her stomach churning as the film progressed on, and Cyborg got more and more bored. It didn't matter.....it shouldn't matter...but before she knew what she was doing, she let out a nervous snicker and said, "Is it just me or did that guy look oddly aroused that time?"
Cyborg blinked at her, startled. They stared at eachother for a few tense seconds, before he started chuckling.
Raven wasn't exactly sure how it happened, but before she knew it, they were throwing insults at the movie and while she wasn't exactly laughing loudly like he was, she did have a rather large smirk on her face. One that had threatnened several times to turn into a smile.
Sometime during the film, he had gotten up to get refills, and for a second she'd almost been afraid he wouldn't return. But he had, and even better, he'd taken the seat right next to her. The smirk that threatened to turn into a smile did just that, and he quickly flashed one back, surprised but not displeased by any means.
It made her think that maybe things weren't such a lost cause afterall.
They weren't thrown out, seeing how they'd been the only ones in there, but she did make him laugh, and that was just as good. And somewhere along the movie, it had stopped feeling like a chore, like something she felt she had to do, and it started feeling....natural.
Like she was meant to be by his side, feeling warm and content for once. And she actually felt more complete than she had in a long time. There was still something missing, but it felt sort of like in her dream, where she was allowed to be open and not have to worry about the consequences.
After the movie was over, and they started heading back for the Tower in silence. But this time it was a comfortable one, and she didn't feel like she had to break it or try and fill it was pointless conversation. It was relaxing. Peaceful.
"Hey, Raven?"
She glanced his way, not really feeling like talking right at the moment. She'd talked more at the theater than she probably had in her entire life. Her social battery was on empty. "Hmm?"
He smiled. "Thanks."
Well, maybe she had just a little more juice in her battery...
"No problem. Anytime."
And as they entered the Tower and went their seperate ways....
Raven realized she meant every word.
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Kyaaaaaaaaaa!!!! I just love the Cy/Rae's chapters. Very rarely do I like the way I end a chapter, and I'm pleased to say that this is one of those times! I was a bit....out of it....when I wrote them, so if it's weird, I apologize. I hope you guys liked it! R & R!!!!!!