Utena, Revolutionary Girl Fan Fiction ❯ The Capricious Lies of Desire ❯ Chapter 1

Title: Capricious Lies of Desire

Slight Shoujo-ai content

Rating: pg

Utena is not mine just borrowing please don't sue me

**********

Pathways at the academy liked to stray, liked to lead to strange places and sometimes it felt like they changed whenever they felt like it. As if the school was a living thing and every time it breathed it moved a little. Seasons were the same way. The weather never seemed to fit the season it was supposed to be. Autumn leaves covered the ground suddenly, but not because it was fall. Juri thought she could feel the reasons why the school was so different, outside the normal span of time, like it was another universe, another planet…another dimension. Everything was different now for her. Nothing felt right, and she avoided faculty members and places she associated with the End of the World. If the game ended that very day she wondered what revolution would mean. What would it mean and what would be the thing… the revolution? What would it be about? Would it be any of the things she saw the others fight for, eternity, shinning things, power, or miracles? Or would it be so simple no one would ever even guess something had occurred. Something inside the stoic angel made her guess the later and something inside her made her guess that a prince would bring about the revolution.

The path veered into a small orchard, tall trees shedding their leaves in reds and yellows, pale oranges and golds, a few red-violets, the fallen foliage crunching lightly beneath her quick steps, barely making a sound. She never questioned how she had learned to accomplish that, walking so lightly no one heard. Stepping and moving like a cat. Juri did not want to guess if it was pure natural ability that allowed her to move as she did, or if her body had just fallen into the expectations of her nickname, lovely and beautiful panther that she was. Not someone to be toyed with. Not someone to be played with and those that dared to play never escaped without a scratch. Maybe Miki's sister was right. Perhaps there were those who were nothing but wild animals. Perhaps she was always going to be an angel fighting the devil that also fueled her existence.

"Angel and devil are the two of me," she hummed, "For I am all things in creation." She grinned at the very thought of it.

Juri's thoughts drifted then. Washed to shores she didn't care for, thoughts of him and his trite wish. What had he wished? What did he want miracles for? To show her that they existed? To prove they could come true and then what? What if miracles did exist? What would that mean to her if she never got her miracle? Never got the thing she wanted. She bit back her anger over the situation. Mask lay over mask lay over mask so that no one really knew what was being felt. And she knew she was guilty of doing the same. She was the master of hiding her true feelings, but she felt she had to. She had to protect her friends from what she really felt. And suddenly she guessed that maybe he had felt the same way.

"Does it matter anymore Ruka," she asked the empty air. "You left again and now I don't get to know. You left again with out telling me why."

And if he left without saying why because he was protecting her she didn't want it, didn't need to be saved from reality, because she had been saved from hope. Without hope there is nothing left but reality. Nothing left but the truth to eat away at her soul. She was knee deep in truth. He wasn't coming back. He was gone. Lost beneath the earth and she said her good byes the only way she could. The panther wondered why it even mattered anymore. People left her that's just how it was. The people she wanted close always left, buried under her inability to speak what she felt, or lost beneath masks that were similar to her own. And if they chanced to return things were never able to be the same.

From behind she could hear leaves being punished under short quick steps. Someone petite desperate to catch up to her own light and somewhat long strides. Juri slowed her pace, just enough to catch a glimpse of violet hair and hear the girl's quickened breath. Then she slowed a bit more feeling something like guilt for even imagining being cruel to the girl. How could she be cruel to someone like that? How could she muster her revenge and not become something she despised? The innocently cruel girl finally caught up, breath still short, eyes heavy with a million different emotions and Juri wondered what it was she was to receive today. Was it to be complete cruelty or begged forgiveness… something laughable like pretended friendship? What was the girl going to try and drag from her? There was deafening silence for a good five minutes as the two walked along side by side. Stealing glances when the other was not looking. Possibly creating a means of attack, and possibly creating a means of defense.

"J-Juri?" Her voice broke the quiet, the coo of a dove, a whispered request that was just above silence.

The stoic angel stopped in her tracks, turning slightly to look at the girl, all her walls flying up in a grand attempt at protection, hazel eyes washing cold and unmoved as she acknowledged the sound, "Yes Miss Takatsuki?"

The girl's focus slipped to the ground with the formality. "I-I… I wanted to apologize for my-"

"You already made your apologies to me. I told you not to worry about it," the panther interrupted softly.

Violet eyes shut then opened as she exhaled a deep breath. "No… Not that I'm sorry for… last week you came to see me…I was…," she looked up a little lost for words, "I was very rude to you. I said things that-"

"That you meant," Juri finished the sentence for her. "Never say sorry for what you meant. If you were hurt you were hurt. There's nothing to forgive."

She began to walk again. Slow and steady until that little voice caught her attention again and she stopped, waited for the girl to catch up to her. Listened to the harsh way her steps crunched the leaves. The way the wind picked up at her approach. Juri watched the way the girl would nervously brush her violet hair away from her eyes. The way the girl's eyes always looked half ready to kill, and half ready to cry. And the angel wondered why with everything she knew about this girl… Why her masks all began to crumble at the sight of her.

The girl swallowed, maybe fear, maybe pride and asked barely able to keep eye contact, "Do you hate me that much Juri?"

She didn't even try and stop herself form answering. "Yes", she whispered. "Yes, I hate you."

"I see." The girl began to shrink away.

"I hate you Shiori," Juri stated again a little louder. "But not for any of the reasons you think I should."

Obvious confusion washed over Shiori's face. She ran over all of the things she had ever done in her head. All the wounds she had inflicted. How could she not be hated for that? She tried to find the answer in Juri's eyes. Find truth behind the blue-green color she used to be able to read so well. She found nothing though. Not a single answer she sought. She should be hated. She knew it deep inside. She was a liar and she liked to hurt, liked to hurt Juri for being so very perfect. For pretending she didn't care about Ruka, or that other boy. For acting like everything was fine and then trying to protect her like some sort of make believe prince. How could she not be hated for being a vain, jealous, little snake? Or vilified for lying so boldly just to make her jealous? Just to see that sad expression wash over the fencer's face. That beautiful lonely and lost look that made her heart beat in ways it shouldn't.

"But the things I did," Shiori whispered suddenly. "I took them to make you jealous, to make you hurt. And then with…well then you try and comfort me and I-"

"I was jealous, and I was hurt, " she paused as she watched the confused expression grow on the girl's face, "Yes, Shiori… I was jealous and you hurt me. Your aim was excellent. But you didn't hurt me like you intended to."

"I don't-"

"No," the panther whispered and turned away. "No I don't think you do understand, and you never will. You don't need too."

Juri began a quick pace through the trees. Quick, with long strides that silently hit the leaves beneath her feet. Behind her the girl was running to catch up. Desperate to know and the panther was just curious enough to know why. Why the girl wanted to apologize? What more damage could she possibly hope to achieve?

"Juri!"

She ignored the call.

"Please!"

She kept moving until the path appeared again and the orchard was far behind her.

"Juri please wait!"

Moving until she was standing in "their spot", "their place". Where she learned how to really be a fencer, and how to hide what she felt inside a golden prison. Her hazel eyes moved over the water, the river that ran along side that place, sacred and damned as it was. She felt the light grip clutching to her arm but was too lost in thought to shake away from it. Finally she glanced over, watched Shiori taking in short quick breaths that nearly matched the girl's earlier short quick steps, stung her self with the memory of having seen those short quick breaths before. But in his arms and locked under his kiss. Like a puppy she had remembered hearing. And the memory was silenced by that soft voice.

"Juri?"

"Why do you want me to forgive you Shiori," the stoic angel asked, eyes watching the water. "Will you feel better? Less abandoned? Why do you need my forgiveness? Why would you want anything from me? You said it your self, 'I'm pathetic'. You won't do anything I want you to."

Shiori released the fencer's arm. "No. I won't do anything you want me to. Because everything you want me to do keeps me safe. And I don't want your protection forever. I don't need a prince or a knight. Don't need perfection and you're perfect Juri. That's why I couldn't stand you." It was an interesting change of tone from the earlier confusion. "But for all the disgust for your perfection…I just can't have you angry at me…and I don't know why that is."

The panther began to laugh. Not a hearty chuckle or light hearted giggle. No it was a roar. Like a beast was let out of its cage, or a wild animal had escaped. And she laughed harder when she saw the girl's cruel face twist in confusion.

"That you ever saw me as perfect," Juri began. "That you ever thought such thing at all is a joke. How could you think I was perfect Shiori?"

The girl looked to the ground and whispered, "You had so many friends. Everyone wants to be like you. And you were strong and nothing ever bothered you. Even when the idiots from grammar school were calling you names. You just…You never seemed to be phased by anything. I resented it because everything bothered me. The name calling, being ignored because I wasn't… I wasn't like any of them."

"No… you weren't like any of them," the angel replied softly, lost in the memory. "That's why I loved you."

"What?"

Hazel eyes got wide, "Nothing."

"You…" Shiori stepped backed a bit. Shock and confusion clear on her face. "You loved me?"

"I…" Juri felt her defense walls cracking.

"You loved me?"

Masks falling.

"You…How…"

Emotions rising to the surface, Juri's hand went to clutch at her neck, grabbing at empty air for what was no longer there. And violet eyes grew wide as she watched the fencer.

"Juri?"

The voice politely broke into her heart. Juri looked at the girl next to her; hazel eyes lost in the confession she hadn't meant to make.

"Yes," the fallen angel replied.

"It was my picture…in the locket," Shiori sputtered.

"Yes." No sense in trying to hide. No sense in pretending it was never so. Everything between them was ruined anyway.

Violet eyes narrowed in something that appeared like anger. "Why?" The question seemed incomplete. "Why would you do that?" Shiori looked into the fencer's hazel eyes and saw that sad look. That hurt toppled crushed look that made Juri so pretty. And Shiori was suddenly disgusted with her self.

"Why not," Juri replied. She shook her head, auburn locks swaying. She sighed, "Why not? Believe in miracles and your wish will come true. Your words…" She stepped towards an empty bench that was near by. "And they helped fuel my weakness."

Juri sat on the bench; eyes focused on the water, ready to be left, or screamed at, ready to hear that she was disgusting and sick. Ready for those petite little hands to beat into her and make her say it wasn't true. But there was nothing, just silence, stone cold, harsh silence that echoed in on itself. She felt the bench move slightly. Out of the corner of her eye she saw short violet strands of hair being picked up by the wind.

"You deserve better," Shiori suddenly said. "You can do better and you really should." There was no reply and she sighed. "No wonder he wanted to hurt me. He knew you could do better, wanted you to do better. Don't you think he succeeded?"

Silence.

"I think he succeeded," Shiori said. "I think he brought me down to a good level of pity and cruelty, broke me with my own lies so you could see. I'm not worth it."

Silence.

Shiori sniffed and stood from the bench, tried not to look at Juri's lost and lonely face. Tried to ignore the way her heart beat. Walked away slowly to find her way back to the dorms. She was nearing the path back to the orchard when she felt a hand touch her shoulder. She spun around and looked up into hazel eyes. Not sure what to say or if she should say anything.

"Do you still despise me Shiori," the panther asked. "Do you still want to make me jealous and hurt me?"

"Maybe," the girl replied lightly. She stepped in a bit close. "You're pretty when you're hurt. Sad and lonely you look like an angel. Sometimes I wonder if I do what I do just so I can see that look on your face."

Juri took a step back. "Really?"

"No sense in lying," the girl replied. "Yes, really, but I've never really seen you smile. You never smiled. You are always stoic and silent."

"And what if I smiled," the fencer asked. "What if something made me happy? Would you rush to make me miserable again? What happens if all is forgiven Shiori? What do you want from me?"

"Nothing," the girl whispered. She inched a little closer, violet eyes looking deep into hazel as she stood on her tiptoes to grace the fencer's cheek with a kiss, "With the possibility of something."

End…