Vampire Hunter D Fan Fiction ❯ Split Personality ❯ The Forest of No Return? How Original! ( Chapter 1 )

Disclaimer - Yeah, I don't own Vampire Hunter D. Crap, I reminded myself.

Author's Note - Be very nice to me. It is my FIRST EVER Vampire Hunter D fanfic. Please don't ask where I got the idea because, I really don't know.

Extended Summary: D faces a new challenge. Actually, four new challenges. D is split into four other Vampire Hunters? One D is a Dude, another is a big ol' pervert, a D who is scared of everything (yes, even squirrels) and even a D who . . . crossdresses?! What's wrong with this picture? Plus there's a bloodthirsty, ego-maniac vampire (who LOVES funk music) on a power trip?! Will D lose it? Prolly . . .

P.S. I refer to D's annoying left hand as . . . well . . . Left Hand. Sorry if that bothers anyone . . .

Chapter 1 - The Forest of No Return? How original!

The sun beat down onto the land without mercy, meaning that the sun did NOT have a big ol' grin on its face. Heat waves lingered everywhere in the barren desert. The only thing that inhabited this dry region was sand, rock, and more sand. A figure on horseback was the only thing that was moving besides the wind.

A man, clad in black, sat atop a raven horse, his overly large hat protecting his eyes from the sun. The horse was a CT-23 cyborg, dubbed as 'Cyclone' ('Cyclone' break it down. 'Cy' for 'cyborg' and 'clone' because he was obviously one of many. Genius isn't it?) but, no one REALLY needed to know that.

The other traveler . . . um . . . er . . . was kind of a passenger. Of course, he couldn't be a quiet, less annoying passenger. Nope. Loud and obnoxious and a regular smartass (A/N: excuse my French) if you know what I mean. Sometimes D wondered who snuck in, in the middle of the night, to teach him to be the most PERFECT annoying person . . . I mean . . . hand the world has ever seen.

"So! Where are we headed today?" Left Hand asked.

The typical answer. That's right. None.

"Oh! I see. The silent treatment. Well, that's alright. You don't have to tell me." Left hand said.

A couple moments of silence passed and D wondered if maybe, just MAYBE he would shut up.

"D?"

Dammit all! It was just starting to get quiet!

"Where exactly ARE we going?" Left Hand inquired.

Fine! If he wanted to know so bad, D would give him the broadest, plainest, we're talking no decorations, answer.

"West," D replied (OMG! He spoke! We made progress!)

"Could you elaborate on that?" Left Hand asked.

"Forest of No Return," D said, in that really, really, calm and somewhat annoying yet very sexy voice.

Yep. That's it. Silence is officially gone. We're talkin' gone as in flushed down the porcelain peehole.

"THE FOREST OF NO RETURN?!" Left Hand practically shouted. "YOU SAY IT AS IF IT'S NO BIG DEAL! YOU MAKE IT SOUND LIKE THE 'FOREST OF NO RETURN' IS NOTHING MORE THAN EATING A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!"

So, Left Hand rattled on and on and on and on (can you see a pattern here?) until D finally tuned into a different station. For those of you at home, it's called ZONING!

"- NOW COME ON! WHEN THEY SAY 'THE FOREST OF NO RETURN' IT'S NOT LIKE YOU BUY A NEW CAPE OR SOMETHING AND THEN YOU CAN'T RETURN IT! OR, IT'S NOT LIKE A TAX RETURN! WE'RE TALKING SERIOUS ASS - 'YOU GO IN YOU, YOU DON'T COME OUT'! COME ON D! I KNOW YOU HAVE MORE SENSE THAN THAT!"

Just as Left Hand finished, The Forest of No Return came into sight. D kicked his horse's sides and the cyborg took off at a gallop.

"All right," Left Hand admitted, "You have NO SENSE AT ALL! D! DON'T DO IT!"

Just to piss him off, D urged his horse on a little faster. Cyclone picked up speed, kicking up sand and then soil as they entered the forest.

"You're doing this just to spite me aren't you?" Left Hand asked.

When he received no answer, he took that as a "Yes."

***

Some "forest of no return" the name didn't even deserve capital letters. Nothing was there but trees, logs, rocks, dirt and . . . did I mention trees? They would easily clear out of there by sundown. D could hear Left Hand muttering to himself, something along the lines of: "Oh! I really don't like this!" and "Stupid dhampir!"

Out of the blue, Cyclone came to a sudden halt, almost sending D flying into an oak tree in front of him that was uprooted and blocking their path. Dismounting, D watched as his horse fidgeted nervously, moving its head back and forth while pawing at the ground with his foot. There was someone or someTHING hiding nearby, watching. Leading his steed over to the upturned tree, the cyborg reared backwards, nearly ripping the reins out of D's hands.

Finally, the horse gave a giant tug and the reins snapped in half, giving the stallion his freedom. When the frightened creature bolted from the small clearing faster than DSL internet access, D was left standing there, unmoving, while still holding the remnants of the reins.

"Um. D. You do know that your horse kind of . . . oh . . . how do I say this? RAN AWAY! NOW WE'RE STUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF SOME GOD FORSAKEN WEED GARDEN AND -" Left Hand began his usual complaining when D interrupted him.

"Quiet."

Left Hand knew better when he said that. It OBVIOUSLY meant that he was listening to something that would determine if they would live or die. The only problem was that D couldn't hear anything but there was definitely something there. D reached for his sword, which was strapped to his back, but did not unsheathe it.

A couple of minutes passed. And a couple more. Left Hand was starting to wonder if maybe D was dead, because there was no one that could hold so perfectly still for that long. Maybe no one except D. God this man had patience!

"Maybe we should just -" Left Hand continued his bickering when a figure shot out of the trees, scaring him into silence.

"Who dares to enter my forest?" it hissed.

Actually, "it" was really a "she." She had long green hair, pulled back with a vine of lush leaves. Around her head she wore a crown of thorns with a single pink flower protruding from behind her ear. The green battle suit she wore brought out her curves and lean figure, while her arm rested on the sword at her hip. With long elfish ears, pointy fingernails, and golden eyes, she could have been an Elf.

Her golden eyes narrowed into slits, similar to cat's eyes, and she said again, with more venom this time, "Who dares to enter MY forest?"

"I am D, the Hunter. I have business on the other side of this forest," D said.

"That's nice. This is MY forest though," she replied.

"I am aware that - " D began but, was cut off by the Elfish girl.

"IT'S MY FOREST AND YOU CAN'T TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME! SEE! IT'S MINE ALL MINE! NOT YOURS!" She cried, like a six-year-old, and whipped out a sign from somewhere that read "Melfina's Forest!" but someone had taken black ink and crossed out her name. In its place the person had written "DAXTER'S AWESOME" so it read "DAXTER'S AWESOME FOREST!"

Melfina got a really big frustration mark on her head and then it was time for the kids to leave the room so she could shout a stream of colorful language.

So! As Melfina cursed herself into next week, D just watched and started to inch away slowly.

"IT WAS YOU, WASN'T IT?!" Melfina shouted out, tears of rage in her eyes.

D was about to blame Left Hand but, then he remembered that his left hand was PART of his body, meaning that he couldn't just pick up and run as fast as he could away from this psycho. When he didn't reply to the insane Elf, she got even MORE pissed off.

"IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU WANT TO PLAY THE GAME!" She shrieked, letting out a war-cry and leaping above D.

On instinct, D jumped out of the way. Unsheathing his sword, D prepared for battle. Expecting the usual, sword-to-sword combat or at least some sparks, he waited until she made the first move. Letting out another battle cry, the insane chick (who should really stick to decaf coffee) lunged at him.

D blocked all of her attacks with ease, though she seemed to be fighting at her fullest. Melfina swung her sword and caught D off guard, giving him a good-sized gash on the left shoulder. With one mighty sweep, D shattered her sword into a million pieces. Melfina reacted with rage but, put some distance between them with a huge back flip.

"I see then Hunter. You are skilled," she admitted.

If D was so cocky about winning, he would have said: "I see then Elf. You are NOT skilled." But, D wasn't so cocky. And that was a good thing because this Elf seemed to have serious mental issues. This is coming from a guy who talks to his hand. What is this world coming to?

She smirked at his silence and put a hand up to her head, resting it on the crown of thorns.

"Then I see I have no choice," Melfina murmured to herself, gently grabbing the flower from behind her left ear.

Walking over to one of the pieces of her beaten sword, Melfina found what she had been searching for: D's blood.

From the other side of the clearing, D observed her movements carefully. Melfina seemed to totally forget that D was standing there. She was too fascinated by his blood that stained her sword. He could hear her muttering something in a foreign language that he didn't understand.

"What are you mumbling about?" Left Hand asked, annoyed at what sounded like someone was talking with shit in their mouth.

"I'M PERFORMING A SACRED RITUAL HERE! SO SHUT THE HELL UP BEFORE I COME OVER THERE AND DO IT FOR YOU BECAUSE, SO HELP ME GOD, I WILL AND YOU'LL BE SO FREAKING SORRY!" she barked at him, and then went calmly back to her little chanting thing.

"Scary . . ." Left Hand muttered; D could only wonder why he was surrounded by morons.

"Alas. It is complete!" Melfina said with a scary grin.

The flower in her hands glowed a vibrant pink and D's blood, a deep blue. Then, she stood, still looking at the flower, and started to laugh. Melfina laughed and she didn't even notice that D had taken to the trees.

"You fool!" Melfina cackled. "This will enable me to control you! Oh what fun! A new doll for me!"

A raven blur rushed past her and then Melfina screamed in pain. Poor D. His aim is always so perfect but, this time . . . it wasn't. Instead her head falling off, an arm dropped to the ground with a thump. D ran towards Melfina, sword drawn and ready.

"HUNTER!" she cried, and the flower turned a florescent pink again.

D felt all of his muscles suddenly go numb. Melfina smiled in satisfaction.

"TREE!" she stated clearly, and D was thrown into a nearby tree by some unknown force.

Melfina laughed as D hit the tree with a sickening crack. She was so busy laughing, she didn't even see D get right back up and try again. D was just about to bring his sword over her head to slit her in two, when the bitch from hell shouted, "HUNTER! TREE!"

And D went flying into the tree. Another sickening crack and crack-filled laughter was heard. D's sword clattered to the ground, two feet in front of him.

"Well Dhampir, it seems that you have met your end." Melfina said, smirking.

As if being thrown into a tree TWICE, getting your butt kicked by a member of the opposite sex AND being used as some puppet WASN'T bad enough, then your smartass left hand reams you out. Talk about a bad day!

"Come on D! It's a WOMAN! You're gonna let an ELF push you around? That's really good. They'll really be impressed by this one at the Vampire Convention! And to think that you call yourself a HUNTER I mean REALLY that's - " but the snooty remark was cut off when D squeezed his fingers over Left Hand's mouth.

While Melfina was laughing herself into coughing fits, D decided to take the moment and kill her sorry ass.

"D! Gojffyr htei peyht!" Left Hand tried to say but, had to practically bite D's fingers to be able to speak.

"D! Go for the flower! The flower is what her powers are in!" Left Hand directed.

D figured he'd try it. I mean, come on! You can only be thrown so many times into a tree before your pride and your back is officially hurt beyond repair. The flower sensed this power coming directly from D and decided that its creator was too busy hacking away to even put up a good fight and that it would take care of the matter.

Floating in mid-air, the flower glowed neon pink and started to do this vibrating thing. It looked like it was dancing or something. D didn't really give a damn if it was doing the hokey-pokey, he just wanted it dead. Grabbing his sword, he ran towards the plant. . . . thing.

Then D did this really awesome jump and brought his sword down onto the flower mutant. When he did, the five petals from the evil plant fell down onto the forest floor. Melfina had stopped her little coughing fit and jumped up into a tree, leaping from branch to branch and screaming out his name with a whole load of curses that would make ten sailors blush.

"OH YEAH! WHO'S THA BOSS HERE?!" Left Hand beamed, "WE SHOWED HER DIDN'T WE D? YES WE DID!"

D was about to ruin his little happy day or whatever pointing out that HE did all the work and all Left Hand did was . . . well . . . what do hands do when they're not being annoying? But, he stopped when a sudden pain shot from his left shoulder to his chest. The pain grew so intense that D had to lean against a tree to support his knees.

His faithful sword once again clattered to the ground.

"Hey, D? HELLO?! What's up with you?" Left Hand asked, oblivious to everything around him.

Choosing to ignore the annoying parasite, D found it harder and harder to breathe. Totally exhausted, D finally just gave in and fell onto the ground.

And then darkness overcame him.

^_^

Whadda ya think? Too messed up? I know . . . I kinda bashed like everyone in this fic. ALL RIGHT! I only bashed D and that's messed up because he's my favorite character! Anywho, a snippet for the next chapter:

^_^

When D awoke, it was morning. Have you ever had a REALLY bad hangover? That's sort of what it felt like. Everything was a blur of green and blue. Then there was something . . . reddish. A figure, D could make out, was approaching him. Whoever it was, they were dressed in some pretty loud colors.

When D's eyes focused, it was like he was looking in a mirror. It was himself but, not him. The other him gave this really big, really gay looking smile (which looks WAY wrong on D . . .)

"Like DUDE! This is wicked awesome! It's like, looking into a mirror!"

^_^

That all you get. If you like, be kind and review. I at least want two reviews on this. Please?

OKAY!

(August 11, 2004: I hope you enjoyed the revised version of this chapter! Having Microsoft Word rocks!)

Review . . . .