Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ Surrounded By Darkness ❯ The Bastard Filled With Guilt ( Chapter 4 )

Surrounded By Darkness

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : This fic wouldn't be here if I owned them!

Warnings : OCC, yaoi, angst, short chapter.

Pairing : Yoji/Ken

Notes : Stuff written in Italic are thoughts or the cruel little voice in Yoji's head.

Chapter 4. The Bastard Filled With Guilt

Ken allowed Aya to help him get dressed. It was embarrassing that he needed the redhead so much but what could he do about it? Besides, he was lost in thoughts so he didn't really realize that he again was naked.

Yoji was angry with him but Ken couldn't quite figure out why. Why was is bothering the blonde so much that Aya helped him? It wasn't like Yoji wanted to do it himself. He had made it perfectly clear that he wanted nothing to do with the brunette and even if Ken didn't want it that way he knew he had to accept it. Their relationship was over but he needed someone who could keep the suffocating darkness at bay and if that someone was Aya then so be it.

The complicated redhead was the one who spent most time at the house, the only one who had really made an effort to help him and for that Ken was grateful. He shuddered slightly when Aya's fingers brushed across his skin. It felt like it had been half a lifetime since someone had touched him or rather since he had touched someone.

"Aya?"

"Aa," the redhead mumbled and took Ken's hands in his, placing them over the button and zipper of the brunette's jeans.

"I… I don't think I can…" Ken sighed.

"Don't give up before you've even tried it." With small frown the brunette managed to button the pants and pulled up the zipper. "See you can do a lot of things Ken." It sounded like Aya was smiling. "Did you want to ask me something?" The brunette nodded.

"Could I… Do you think…" Ken bit his lip and felt a blush spread across his cheeks. "Would you mind if… if I eh felt you?"

"Felt me?" Aya asked with confusion in his deep voice.

"I just want to… 'see' you," Ken mumbled and hoped that his friend understood what he meant.

"Ah. Of course I don't mind Ken." The brunette raised his hands and carefully reached out. Aya helped him and put the tanned fingers on his own cheeks. For a moment Ken didn't move, didn't know how he was suppose to 'see' like that. With hesitation he brushed the soft pads of his index and middle fingers over the redhead's skin.

He carefully ran them underneath and over the amethyst eyes he no longer could see, moved up and across thin eyebrows and back down over slightly protruding cheekbones. It actually worked. In his mind the image of Aya's face grew clearer. Ken smiled and continued his exploration.

He followed the fine curves of the redhead's mouth and without thinking he brushed his left index finger over the soft slightly moist skin of Aya's lips. Strange how someone that could sound and look so harsh, cold and unyeilding could have lips that pliable and smooth. A quiet sound from Aya made him snap out of his thoughts and he removed his hands.

"Thank you," Ken murmured and tried to sound normal.

"You're welcome," the redhead replied with his deep voice soft and slightly hushed.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Yoji backed away from the door and swallowed. It should have been his face under Ken's fingers not Aya's, but he had blown his chances. His former lover had simply moved on, replaced him with someone else. Yoji returned to his room and wished he had stayed there but the temptation of seeing Ken's tanned body had been too much.

He missed that firm, strong and warm body but even more so he missed the man it belonged to. It had been so long since he had been forced to spend a night without him, before the accident that was. Sadly Yoji glanced at his bed. They had slept, talked, laughed, cuddled and made love there together but would they ever do any of that again? Yoji doubted it.

"Why… why can't I forgive him?" the lanky blonde asked the room. "Why do a part of me hate him?" He just didn't understand, it didn't make any sense to him. He loved Ken, he was in love with Ken so why couldn't he move pass this? And just why did part of his heart and mind insist that he couldn't have the brunette?

Yoji actually knew the answer to that quiestion but he didn't want to hear it, refused to listen. He wanted and needed Ken back but the guilt and anger inside of him refused to give him that chance. Every time he looked at the brunette, saw how his unseeing eyes looked straight through everything the pain in him doubled until it was smothering him. It was his fault that Ken was blind. He might as well have blinded his former lover himself.

"You shouldn't have tried to save me," Yoji spat out when the anger once again got the better of him. "You should have let that fucking guard kill me instead!" Exhausted he sank down on the bed and shook his head. He was going insane or perhaps he already had gone insane? Whichever it might be he had to do something about the state he was in.

Move on, a voice mumbled inside his head. Let him go Yoji. You can't have him, you don't even deserve him! Look what your love did to him? He could have died and it would have been all your fault. The whisper seemed to mock him and it sure knew exactly how to play on his guilt. He swallowed and desperately tried to push it away.

Everything you love you destroy Yoji. You've always known that so why did you allow yourself to love Ken? Isn't there enough blood on your hands already? Did you have to ruin his life before you were satisfied? And now you blame him for it? Shame on you Yoji! Shame on you for being such a pathetic, selfish bastard!

"Shut up! Shut up, shut up," the blonde whimpered and covered his ears. "I didn't mean to… to…" The whispering voice chuckled at him with glee.

That's not going to help you much. I'm all in your head Yoji. Now forget about Ken and move on before you really do kill him! Leave him to Aya, he'll take better care of Ken than you ever did. He refused to believe what the voice was telling him. Ken was his damnit!

Is he really? Then why aren't you the one taking care of Ken? The one who helps him? Your love is something not even the Gods will forgive. The voice seemed to disappear but its last words rang through the blonde's head.

Jaded and strangely detached from himself Yoji rose, grabbed his keys, wallet and jacket before he left his room. Maybe he should move on before he hurt Ken more? Maybe Aya would be a better boyfriend than he had been? Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe… How he hated that word along with 'what if'.

He almost ran downstairs and out the door. To hell with it all! If Ken wanted Aya then fine! Yoji got into his car and drove off to do the only thing that had helped him so far. Getting drunk didn't solve his problems but at least it allowed him a brief pause from them.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

His head seemed to be too small to fit his brain and his tongue too big and way too raspy. Yoji raised his weary head and fought against the urge to throw up. Where the hell was he? A noise that sounded a lot like a snore made him turn his head to the left. His green eyes widened and then closed. No, please no.

Shaking the blonde rose to his feet and winced in pain. What a bastard he was. Not only had he once again got himself shit faced but he had obviously let some random guy fuck him, not that he remembered that part though. The only proof he had was the way a certain part of his body hurt and that was enough for him.

He stumbled towards his clothes and pulled them on. Moments later he was out the door, fighting to keep himself upright. He had barely made it around the corner of the house before he threw up. How could he do that to Ken? Guilt filled up his entire body and made him whimper in agony.

"I'm sorry Ken," he panted as he wiped his mouth. "I'm so sorry."

~TBC~

Whoa what's going on between Ken and Aya hm?? Am I going to be able to keep to the Yoji/Ken pairing? *chuckles* Guess you all have to wait and see ne? I know the answer *bounces* and I ain't telling!!!

I really feel sorry for Yoji here. He's suffering so much because he feels guilty and that damn voice isn't helping him either!! And he had a little um accident when he was drunk huh? And about that… To me Yoji is as Seme as they come but well he was drunk and he can't even remember it so well there you go…

What's he going to do now though? Is he just gonna give up on Ken? And Aya still hasn't had the chance to talk to him… Argh! This is driving me nuts!! Don't like waiting? Well you know what might help ne?

Due to a tragic event in my life this week I won't be answering mails or stuff like that for a while. So please keep mailing me but be patient I don't know when I'll feel up to answering again and the updates may take a while. I hope you understand and wait for me. Thanks/Atsureki