Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ Surrounded By Darkness ❯ Lost ( Chapter 5 )

Surrounded By Darkness

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : This fic wouldn't be here if I owned them!

Warnings : OCC, yaoi, angst.

Pairing : Yoji/Ken

Notes : Stuff written in Italic are thoughts, "Italic" things that have been said before and are now remembered. (Although I pretty sure you understood that anyways *L*)

Chapter 5. Lost

He knew that he had taken his car but had no idea where it was now and it didn't really matter since he was in no shape to drive anyway. Yoji stumbled towards the Koneko fighting against the pains and the urge to throw up again. God how his body hurt.

Whoever the man was that had taken him the previous night he had been rough. Every step was hell and if he hadn't still been slightly drunk he would never have made it. Exhausted and sick of himself the blonde fiddled with his keys to get inside the house. He prayed that the others were still asleep because he couldn't stand facing them.

The smell that clung to him and the vomit on his clothes would give him away the second anyone laid their eyes, or nose, on him. Finally he managed to get the door unlocked and staggared inside. With a low moan he leaned against the wall to gather some strength before he took on the stairs. He closed his eyes and sighed.

"Who's there?" Yoji swallowed and tried not to breathe. "Who's there?!" He didn't answer, didn't want to. Just go away Ken, he begged inside but the brunette came into the hall anyway. "Yoji is that you?"

"Ha… hai," the blonde croaked out and winced at how horrible his voice sounded, thin, raspy and lost. Ken walked up to him and reached out. Gentle fingers found his face and Yoji couldn't help but lean into the touch he had missed so much.

"Come on I'll help you get upstairs," the brunette said quietly. Ken might be blind but at the moment he was probably better at leading than the blonde. Yoji carefully pushed himself away from the wall and let out a low moan of pain. "You're hurt?" The blonde didn't answer but he accepted Ken's help. "Where have you been Yoji? When you didn't come home last night we were worried." Yoji stopped and stared at his former lover in confusion.

"What do you mean last night? I just went out yesterday afternoon," he mumbled. Ken shook his head and for a moment Yoji looked into his brown eyes. There was so much pain and sadness in them, placed there because of him no doubt.

"No, you left the house the day before yesterday Yoji, don't you remember?"

"I… I don't know," the lanky blonde sighed and rubbed his aching head. Had he really been gone for more than 24 hours? Why the hell couldn't he remember? They took on the stairs and it amazed Yoji how well Ken could handle them.

"I've been practicing," the brunette said as if he could hear what the other man was thinking. "Aya helped me." At that Yoji stiffened. That damn redhead! He grunted something as they stopped infront of his room.

Jealousy was burning in him and he had no right to feel that way! He had left Ken! He had abandoned his lover when he was needed the most. Aya simply picked up the pieces. But it still hurt, it hurt like hell. Yoji swallowed and closed his eyes. He needed Ken so much and he couldn't have him, especially not after what he had done now. His stomach heaved.

"I… I have to throw up," he choked out and rushed towards the bathroom.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Ken's blind eyes seemed to stare after the blonde and he sighed deeply. His nose had always been sharp and the scents it picked up from his former lover were alcohol and sex. So Yoji had moved on, or perhaps just gone back to the selfdestructing behaviour he had been addicted to before they got together?

It didn't really matter, the fact was that he had lost the blonde. Ken lowered his head and willed the tears away. Right now Yoji needed him and he would always be there for his… friend because he wanted and needed to. Solemly he followed the lanky man towards the bathroom. He could hear him heaving away in there and entered carefully.

The bathroom was tricky, the floor slightly slippry and there were so many things he could hurt himself badly on if he fell. Ken felt his way to Yoji and gently rubbed his back. That warm and safe body had once been his and the loss was like a knife in his heart but he couldn't do anything about it, could he? He would simply have to accept that the blonde didn't want him anymore.

The brunette kneeled beside his former lover and gave all the comfort and strength he could. After a while his heaving stopped and Yoji sank back, resting in Ken's arms.

"You okay?" It was quiet for a while.

"No." The brunette frowned slightly. Had he heard that correct? "I'll be fine," the blonde sighed after a moment or two. Ken bit his lip. You're lying to me Yoji and you promised me you'd never lie to me.

"Let's get you to bed," he mumbled and helped the older man up from the floor. Together they made it back to Yoji's bedroom.

"Ken I… I…" The brunette froze. It sounded like, like the blonde was near tears. How he wished he could see his former lover's face and eyes again. He wanted to know what was going through that man's head so badly but since he couldn't see anymore it was impossible. How had it come to this? Ken sadly shook his head. Had he been so wrong about the situation? Was it possible that Yoji was just as lost and helpless as he was?

"Um you… you better get to bed," brunette said with hesitation. "I'll leave you alone." No he hadn't been wrong. Yoji didn't want him around, didn't need or want him anymore. Ken steeled himself against the pain those thoughts brought to him.

"Ken…" Shocked the brunette blinked. What had Yoji said after his name? He didn't dare to believe he had heard what he thought he had. Carefully and utterly confused Ken reached out and found the blonde's face. Just like when he had 'seen' Aya two days ago he now 'saw' Yoji.

He trailed his fingers over his former lover's eyes, nose, cheeks and lips. It felt differently from Aya. Although he wouldn't deny that some part of him had felt attracted to Aya at that moment it couldn't compare to what he was feeling now. His whole body was humming with joy.

Before Ken really had a chance to stop himself he leaned forward and sought out Yoji's lips. The blonde's mouth tasted badly but the kiss was heaven anyway. The fact that he was unable to see anything heightened the feelings. Slowly he pulled back not sure if Yoji would accept his actions or not. The blonde said something, or rather whispered it but Ken couldn't make out what it was.

"Nani?"

"Go away." His body tensed up. "Ken just go away." The brunette was still completely stiff and unmoving. He didn't understand this. "For God's sake Ken get the hell out of here!" Yoji almost screamed. With a visible wince Ken snapped out of his numbness. His inside felt like ice as he rose to his feet and felt his way out of the room.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Green eyes watched the man who was leaving. What was he doing? He had just left a bed where he had cheated on Ken and now he wanted nothing more than to… to… claim that beautiful body as his again? Yoji shook his head and squeezed his eyes shut. Ken wasn't his, would never be his again because he had fucked up, ruined everything.

With a low whimper the blonde curled up on the bed and hugged himself. Before he and the brunette had become a couple he had been drinking and fucking his way through life. There had been women, and some men, whose names he didn't know nor cared to know but never once had he allowed himself to linger at the bodies that kept him warm.

Sex was easy and it numbed the pain he carried inside a little but love… love was something else. Love was dangerous, complicated and it hurt. But he hadn't been able to stop himself from falling for the smiling soccer-loving brunette. He was so caring, so soft and warm and Yoji was so lonely, cold and lost. Ken had become his home, the rope that kept him firmly tied to the ground among the living.

He had fought it though. For months he had suffered in silence and tried to push away the feelings that threatened to break one of his silent promises. The promise that he would never ever fall in love again. But it had been impossible to get Ken out of his head and it had been the brunette who finally came clean. Not entirely true, Yoji remembered with a small smile on his sad face.

They had been arguing and Ken had been so angry. It hadn't been the first time that he had been forced to go down to one of the bars and bring Yoji home because he was too drunk to get there himself but that time the brunette hadn't kept quiet about it the morning after. A fight had issued where they both screamed and yelled like maniacs until… Yoji swallowed and remembered it like it had happened only yesterday.

"Next time I'll leave you in the gutter! I'm fed up with having to carry your drunk ass up the stairs!" Ken had screamed at him with his brown eyes blazing with anger.

"I didn't ask you to do that now did I?"

"Well excuse me for giving a shit!" Yoji had snickered at that.

"I'm not a child Hidaka! I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself you know! And besides… it's not like you fucking care anyway!" His words had been filled with bitterness and they had made Ken so angry, although at that moment Yoji hadn't understood why.

"You selfish little bastard! Do you think you're the only one who hurts? The only one who lost someone? Fuck you Yoji! Fuck you!" Ken's words had frozen him in place. He was selfish, he knew that but hearing it from the brunette hurt so much. "I've lost enough people so I'm not going to just sitting by and wait for you to kill yourself one way or another! I am not going to lose someone else that I love! So fuck you! Just because you can't care or love anyone it doesn't mean that I can't!" It had become deadly quiet after that. They had both realized what Ken had said even if Yoji hadn't been sure exactly what it meant.

"Ken I…" The brunette had raised his hand then.

"Don't. I've said enough already so just don't, okay?" But the tears in those chocolate eyes had been too much for the blonde. He had allowed his emotions to take control and it had lead to the happiest time in his life. It had been filled with love, laughter, tenderness, warmth and now it was all gone because… because his love destroyed others.

Yoji curled up tighter and all he wanted right then and there was to be in the brunette's arms. But he couldn't have that, wasn't even worthy of wanting it. So he did what he hadn't been able to do when Ken had been shot or during the time up until now… He cried.

~TBC~

I feel so sorry for both Ken and Yoji here. They're both suffering needlessly damnit! They so need to smarten up ne?

Oh I got a mail from a reader who begged me to show you Aya's POV. I'm sorry but I can't do that at least not right now. It would ruin the story if I allowed you to see what he thinks about all of this.

But we did find out that Ken was a little attracted to Aya ne? Is he gonna act on it or is he gonna keep trying to get Yoji back? Ah the joy of questions…

Oh and I know Yoji is acting way OOC here but um well it sorta makes sense to me in some strange way. I mean plenty of ppl that act the way Yoji did before he got together with Ken are simply afraid of love. And besides, I can't forget some of the pictures I've seen of Yoji. In them he looks so sad and so lost in his eyes.

I have a postcard at home of a little puppy that's tied to lamppost in the pouring rain and underneath it it says 'Nobody loves me'. Now that puppy looks exactly like Yoji does in those pictures so um eh *looks embarrassed* I get this feeling that he is rather lost and that he think that nobody loves him. Oh dear I'm making an ass out of myself here *silly grin* Sorry sorry just ignore me ne? Ja/Atsureki