X/1999 Fan Fiction ❯ I Hate You, Love ❯ One-Shot

Title // I Hate You, Love
Author // Feros
Warning // Yaoi / Shounen-ai / Slash
Disclaimer // Sadly, I own nothing.
Rating // PG-13
Pairing // Seishirou x Subaru
Part // Part 1 of 1

I Hate You, Love

Subaru raised a hand to the falling sakura blossoms. This, of course, meant Seishirou was near. The man he hated with as much passion as was left in his barren soul--and loved him with almost equal force. How could one explain or rationalize that? One would think that one emotion would cancel or over ride the other. That wasn't true, though. He looked forward to seeing Seishirou because his eyes were hungry for the sight of him. He wanted to be with him and he wanted to kill him. He wanted to be killed by him. He wanted revenge. Each desire conflicted with the others. Subaru tensed, unsure which he would follow.

"Good evening, Subaru-kun." The voice is reminiscent of the days when Hokuto still lived and breathed. Subaru clenched his jaw in answer. "It's late, Subaru-kun." It's almost an admonishment.

"What do you want, Sakurazukamori?" He rarely used the title, it felt sour in his mouth and confused his emotions all the more.

Seishirou smiled, amused, at him. "I was just taking a walk." He paused, "Actually, I just finished some work."

'Work? You mean murder.' Subaru's mind snarled. He decided on avenging his sister. The detached smile on his Seishirou-san's face, though, wouldn't allow him to attack, yet, though.

Pink sakura blossoms swirled between them, obscuring his view of the older man. He reacted immediately, jumping back while unleashing an attack at where he guessed the man was. Then Seishirou was beside him, knocking him to the ground with an attack of his own. Seishirou clucked scoldingly, "If you want to kill me, Subaru-kun, you'll have to try harder than that."

Pain was lancing through Subaru's skull, which had been roughly cracked against the pavement. He heard Seishirou's words as if from far away. Seishirou chuckled darkly and suddenly Subaru was under the tree where his sister had died. The shock of the change was enough to start Subaru to his shaky feet.

Seishirou was just looking at him curiously. "What is it like to feel as strongly as you do? You pretend apathy, but that's hardly the same as actually not having emotions."

Subaru's mouth was dry, completely unsure how to answer the question. "It depends. At times, Seishirou-san, it can be wonderful. When I was with my sister and you, I was content, and that is a wonderful feeling. I can't feel that anymore, though. Because emotions can be worse than having your heart torn from your chest, Seishirou-san. And emotions can die, as mine did when you killed Hokuto."

Amusement flickered in that eye again.

Bitterness took over my voice, "Why so curious?"

He shrugged, infuriatingly, with no answer other than that. "So do you plan on killing me now, Subaru-kun? Will that revive these emotions?"

'They're not dead. That's a lie. He was right when he said I pretend apathy. If my emotions were dead I wouldn't have any hesitations in killing him. It wouldn't hurt everytime I think of Hokuto. It wouldn't hurt everytime I thought of *him*. Damn him.'

"No?"

"Go to hell, you bastard."

He shrugged again, smirking smugly. "Subaru-kun, you've been looking for me, haven't you? Now that I'm here, you have hardly said a word."

"I didn't come here to talk."

"Then what did you come here for?"

'Damned if I know.'

"Well, Subaru-kun?" He was enjoying this confrontation far too much. "What do you want? Do you want to kill me? Have me kill you? Have me fuck you?"

The words were crude, but somehow, coming from Seishirou, they didn't seem crude. He listed each option with an elegance that almost never left him. Subaru's body was reacting to Seishirou's last words. Subaru pushed the thoughts away, focusing on only the throbbing of his head and the man in front of him.

"Seishirou, why did you kill my sister? I was your prey. Not her."

"She asked me to."

"Liar."

"It's true. She was babbling something about a spell she could perform only if she died." He said and offered no more information. Subaru nodded and accepted that much as truth. It fit his headstrong, protective, beautiful sister if she thought her brother was in danger.

'But what was the spell? And will it all be in vain, Hokuto if I allow him to kill me now, Hokuto?'

Seishirou drew nearer, placing himself between the tree conjured by the his illusion and Subaru. The tree seemed to loom up behind him like a dark thing. The fearsome appearance was probably enhanced by Seishirou twisting the illusion to create such an impression.

The silver eye glinted, while the gold eye was completely hidden in shadow. "Well, Subaru-kun, you never answered. What are you here to accomplish?"

Silence filled the air between them.

"You didn't come here to talk, you said as much yourself." Seishirou was within reaching distance, now. "What did you come for?"

'I don't know.'

"Did you come to kill me?" Seishirou gently took Subaru's limp arm, placing Subaru's hand over his heart. "If so, know is your chance." Seishirou took his hand away from Subaru's. After a moment, Subaru's hand fell to his side, his head falling slightly.

"Are you here so I can kill you?" He tilted Subaru's chin so Subaru's gaze would meet his own. Subaru flinched at the words, as if expecting a blow. None came. Seishirou's hand didn't fall from Subaru's chin. "Did you come for another reason?" He lowered his lips to Subaru's, kissing him chastely. All contact was severed in a moment. Subaru flung himself back from Seishirou, breathing raggedly and near tears.

"Don't touch me. Don't *touch* me."

'How can you kiss me after what you did to my sister? How can you.. I hate you for it. I hate you now and I'll hate you forever for it, Sakurazukamori. But...I love you, too.'

Seishirou laughed at the reaction. "Subaru-kun, in many ways you're still a child."

'I'm not. Children are innocent. I lost all that. All I am now is hatred. And love. And confusion. And guilt.'

Seishirou was suddenly close again, his voice low and eyes bearing a warning flash. "Do you hate me so much my touch is that repulsive, Subaru-kun?"

'Yes. And no.'

"Subaru-kun," Seishirou's voice had lost most of it's color, "You've met with me seven times--every month you come here on this day. Each time you've come you've have no idea what you wanted from me."

'Seven times. Three times I fought him and didn't allow him to touch me. Three times I fought him and then allowed him to... And just once I just allowed him to...touch me, hold me, kiss me, have me...'

The guilt over that encounter haunted Subaru. Constantly he brought the question of what his murdered sister would think of him, if she knew. What would she think to know her brother loved the man he should--and did--hate more than anything else?

"Subaru-kun, have you decided?"

"The decision is harder than you think, Seishirou-san," Subaru informed him bitterly.

Seishirou raised an eyebrow.

"On one hand, Seishirou-san, I want very badly to kill you. To kill you in the manner that you killed Hokuto. I want you to be in pain and bleed for what you did. Another part of me would die to see and cause that, though. That part of me wants to die. That part of me wants you."

Slowly the illusion of the sakura tree and field disintigrate around the pair, leaving them on the street where they met. "Well, Subaru-kun, shall we worry about the death thing in the morning?"

'Callous bastard.'

Seishirou offered his hand to the young man, waiting for his reaction with an amused expression. Subaru eventually took his hand, twining his fingers into Seishirou's and pulled himself close to Seishirou as the assassin lead him to his apartment. Subaru tried not to think of what he would allow Seishirou do, or what he himself would. Guilt and depression came with thinking. Instead he breathed in the scent of blood and sakura blossoms from Seishirou's coat.

'I hate you, Love.'

Author's Note // Who could hate such a twisted pairing? Plus, I've decided that Subaru-kun doesn't mind Seishirou-san's attentions half as much as he pretends.