Yami No Matsuei Fan Fiction ❯ Anti Nostalgic ❯ Part 2, Chapter 3 (Tsuzuki) ( Chapter 11 )

Title: Anti-Nostalgic (Tsuzuki, Chapter 3)

Author: Elf Asato

Pairings: Tsuzuki/Hisoka

Warnings: Lime

Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei belongs to the great Matsushita-sensei and if I butcher her name, it's out of love. Anti-Nostalgic is a song from Gravitation so that doesn't belong to me, either.

Notes: Rawr. I had more than half of this done in June, but I went away to Oklahoma for the end of June to middle July! I couldn't work on it then! It was so depressing…but I'm back and it's done! Whee!

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Anti-Nostalgic

By Elf Asato

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The days flew by like they were minutes - so fast that I was terrified that our vacation was almost at an end. Fortunately it was not and I had a week left of just Hisoka, all to myself. I liked that arrangement of just him - no work, no paperwork, no worries! …Well, at least the first two were on the dot; the third was iffy.

Time spent with Hisoka is like lemon drops: sweet in the beginning, but sour at the end. …Or maybe it was the other way around…? I like both Hisoka and lemon drops.

Mm, Hisoka…

Er, I meant…

Mm, Hisoka…

Dammit!

I guess what I mean is that they're one and the same; if you have too much at one time, it leaves a burning, painful sensation in your mouth. That's what it was like, only with my heart. We were in our room, looking out at the ever-crowded pool when out of the blue I realized something.

I loved him.

Now, I've been telling myself that and believing it every waking second of the day, but it was different then. Right there, at that moment…it was like my heart jumped into my throat; I couldn't breathe, much less talk. …So I just watched him out of the corner of my eye, standing there with his hand so delicately poised against the cool pane of the glass, his beautiful green eyes gazing downward as he watched children laughing and playing in the pool in muted interest, the way his lips twitched ambiguously when one child dunked another… It was all so beautiful. It was all so pristine.

It was all so perfect.

Which was why I was so deathly afraid of the intensity of this emotion building up inside of me. It was so frightening. I didn't know what to do; I didn't know how he felt. Before, it all seemed so…innocent.

And this that I felt was anything but that.

How would he feel if I told him what scorched me from head to toe every time I touched his hand, every time I looked at him…just thinking about him… He'd hate me, I knew he would, but I couldn't keep it bottled up; I would explode otherwise. I didn't want to explode.

I wanted Hisoka.

Though my self-control is lacking at times, I was able to reasonably contain myself for both our sakes, but as we sat on our respective beds one night and he languidly read from the near-finished book he had started earlier that afternoon…

Well, it was rather hard to keep control.

I hated to bother him, I really did, but did he feel as I felt? Surely if not his own emotions he would have felt mine! They were so strong… I could think, feel, hear, or even touch anything else but him.

Did he hear and understand my heart?

My voice barely audible even to myself, I asked almost timidly, "Hisoka?"

Like the epitome of perfection he was, he placed his bookmark into the page he had been reading and gently closed the book, setting it on the nightstand beside him. "Yes?"

How did it feel? Really, how did it feel…to be an empath?

Everyone's deaf except you - you have perfect hearing. That's…that's what it's like? He can feel this tainted sensation slowly conquering all that I am more so than I can myself? Then why isn't he reacting? Why isn't he telling me to get the hell away from him? …I can't control this anymore. He must be able to feel this from me…

"I can't really sense anything from you right now," he tells me when I ask.

"It feels like I have no control over this."

"Tsuzuki…?"

"You know what everyone else feels…but can you really sort out what you feel?" What did he feel? What were his emotions? His desires? Was he really just a slave to the fanciful whims of myself and countless others?

Like a mixed drink - you can't really tell what's what, but you know what's there…

Out of all the insecurity of not knowing what's what, of never being sure exactly what it contains…surely he must feel at least…something…for me? Hisoka, what do you really feel?

"I…I don't know. I wish I did, but I don't," he stated with that gorgeous truthfulness I loved about him when I asked. So it really was his mixed drink and he didn't know exactly what was in it. He could have told me he hated me…and just the same, he could have told me…that he loved me.

He could have lied to me, but he didn't; he, in his pristine voice, told me the absolute truth: he didn't know. …And I'm so thankful for that. If he had lied to me, I would break into a thousand pieces, hopeless to fit back together again.

I had to get nearer to him; just being with him wasn't enough - I had to feel him right next to me. He tensed a little as I moved to sit next to him - nearer - and that made my heart fall, but I could only imagine what he felt.

Fall, falling, I'm falling in love with you, Hisoka, in the deepest and worse way possible. …Will you ever forgive me?

…Just what is it that you feel? We're partners, right? Friends, yes?

…But are we what I want us to be, Hisoka?

Are we lovers?

…No…because I'm wrapped up in myself too tightly for you to ever know…but dammit, I feel for you so much.

I love you, Hisoka.

The second that deep and heartfelt confession of mine escaped my lips, he stared at me silently with wide eyes…that produced the most beautiful tears I've ever seen.

Hisoka's tears…beautiful because they're his own.

"…I think I love you."

As soon as the words parted his lips, my eyes lit up like the tree at Christmas with all the joy in the world. I felt like I was a kid again - those happy, carefree and deliriously happy days revisiting me. He knew, I knew; he felt, I felt. It was like we were in perfect sync.

I was so happy just to be with him, to see his heart in his eyes; I know mine was as well. He kept crying, but it was beautiful, so beautiful.

He didn't hate me like I thought he would; he didn't push me away and tell me to get lost.

He loved me. He. Loved. Me!

"I…I'm so…happy that you do…! I just…I wanted to tell you earlier…but I wasn't sure…and…I just…" I was bursting and bubbling with all these feelings - none of which I had any logical name for. Some were called fuzzy, others were mooshy, and then one was even squishy, but shining above the rest in big green letters was L-O-V-E. LOVE! Why?

Because Hisoka loves me!

"Baka…you talk too much," he said, trying to regain some of his sharpness, but he failed miserably and we both know it.

I felt so much for him and I could see it in his eyes that he felt the exact same way.

"You're right…I do," I admitted with a laugh.

…But then something utterly strange happened. If I thought I had no control before…

I kissed him.

I wasn't a chicken, I wasn't afraid…I just kissed him, and oh god did we kiss! It was the most magical moment in my life - like everything was perfect, just right. His lips were so soft and moist; it was like they molded into mine perfectly and he leaned in to bring us closer.

I couldn't help myself, I really couldn't. Looking back, I guess it wasn't the best thing to do, especially rushing in headfirst, but our hearts were beating so fast and adrenaline coursed through my veins. I couldn't help it, I really couldn't.

As I took hold of his face, our kiss deepened and suddenly our tongues found each other. It was amazing. Like everything I wanted he anticipated beautifully and everything I wanted to do to him he wanted, too. I've never felt anything like it before.

That night I was the happiest man on earth.

*~@~*

Tsuzuki stopped and smiled at me, almost in a daze with his eyes shimmering and off somewhere very far away. His expression warranted no explanation. In probably the softest tone I've heard him use, he whispered with his heart in his eyes, "It was beautiful."

Of course, from talking to Hisoka, I felt I knew what had gone on, but that didn't stop a smile from creeping onto my face. Despite all that happened, he was still hopelessly and madly in love - something to be admired.

Against my will I felt nostalgic for a moment, thinking back to our partnership and wondering if it ever could have been like that with us… As soon as I gained control, I quickly banished those thoughts from my mind. This was Tsuzuki's time, not mine, and I was going to listen to every single word he had to say.

"I'll bet it was," I answered him finally, a ghost of a genuine smile still on my face it felt.

*~@~*

Tsuzuki

*~@~*

When the sun shone that morning, its rays were dancing happily as they soared across the sky and bounced off everything they touched like a trampoline. It was all wiggly, like one of Watari's drawings. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy as the sun hit my eyes; Hisoka was right next to me, curled up in my arms. I will never forget that moment of waking up to that. Simply amazing.

He stirred slightly, but then rolled over out of my reach. That's when I got out of bed and decided to make him breakfast. I cooked for him Tsuzuki's Special Pancakes with Love as the special ingredient and served him in bed. Surprisingly, he ate it, unlike he usually does.

How could I ever have doubted that Hisoka loved me?

Since Hisoka was happy, I was happy, and even the sun was happy, we decided to finally go to the pool. I practically couldn't contain myself; I was bouncing around from excitement.

Hisoka yelled at me, though, for running on wet concrete…

He smiled after that and hugged me, kissing my cheek when he thought no one was looking. I was so happy that day that nothing could change my mood; things could only get better. From the hugs, kisses, and love vibes, I thought I would burst from joy.

And when we met Watari at the poolside, I was ecstatic.

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~End of Part 2, Chapter 3~

…Did you know that August 10th marks Anti Nostalgic's One Year Anniversary? I've been writing this thing for a year! T-T I don't know if I'll have the next chapter out by then (I'll shoot for that date exactly!), so a HUGE thanks to all of you who've kept with the story for that long! Especially all you who've been with me since the very beginning!

My writing's progressed…and when I read Sleepless Beauty and some of the earlier AN chapters, I just cringe…arr.

Anyway, hope this thing doesn't go onto two years… ^^;;

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