Yami No Matsuei Fan Fiction ❯ Anti Nostalgic ❯ Part 2, Chapter 1 (Tsuzuki) ( Chapter 9 )

Title: Anti-Nostalgic (Tsuzuki, Chapter 1)

Author: Elf Asato

Pairings: Tsuzuki/Hisoka, Tatsumi/Tsuzuki

Warnings: Typical warnings.

Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei belongs to the great Matsushita-sensei and if I butcher her name, it's out of love. Anti-Nostalgic is a song from Gravitation so that doesn't belong to me, either.

Notes: I really like how the lyrics for Tsuzuki's part fits in ^_~ And hey, it even says Tsuzuki in it!

[Lyrics] Obvious

And again…when Tsuzuki says "you" he means Tatsumi since he's telling him. Gah, confusion >_<

(Whoo! Short notes!!!)

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Anti-Nostalgic

By Elf Asato

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"I see," is all I can say as Kurosaki-kun finishes telling me his part of the conflict. How terribly unnecessary all this is. Anyone can see that these two love each other, but they're too afraid of hurting each other to actually work through problems and conflicts successfully.

He takes his eyes from his neglected coffee and places them onto me, somehow hoping that I could just wave a magic wand and make everything all right. In truth, I wish I could. "…So…?" he asks.

"You're an idiot," I reply honestly.

At first he looks slightly peeved, but then he shifts his eyes off somewhere and becomes oddly pensive. "…I know."

"See? That's part of the problem," I state firmly, hoping he'll come to terms with himself and this situation. "You just leave things as they are without any intention of trying to change something. If you have a problem, you should work to fix it, not sit around moping and hope that it'll take care of itself."

Kurosaki-kun stands up from his seat angrily and looks like he's about to retort, but I continue, "Now, with that said, what do you think you should do?"

Sitting back down with a resigned look on his face, he answers, "…Talk to that baka…"

"Who's the baka?"

"We both are," Kurosaki sighs as he buries his face in his hands, "but Tsuzuki…he doesn't want to talk to me."

I simply stare at him blankly for a few seconds before asking, "Who says?"

He looks up inquisitively. "…What do you mean?"

"Who says Tsuzuki doesn't want to talk to you?" I reiterate with a smile for his convenience. "From what you've told me about the last days of your vacation…it sounded like he wanted to talk to you…. Could it be that you don't want to talk to him?"

Kurosaki-kun looks away and I know I'm right…as evident from this smug smile I can't seem to wipe from my face. "Whenever I talk to him," he explains, "…it only seems like I'm hurting him more."

"Hmm, well I don't quite know how Tsuzuki feels about all this so…" I trail off, thinking that I should probably consult Tsuzuki before advising his partner any more. "Perhaps after talking to him I can help you more."

Those unique green eyes flash with near horror. "Please don't tell him anything I said!"

I understand that those words Kurosaki-kun said to me were from his heart, so of course I wouldn't dream of betraying him like that. To ease his mind and heart, I tell him this.

He seems relieved for the time being and actually looks a bit cheerful. "Thank you, Tatsumi-san."

"No problem," I answer with a pleasant smirk. "That'll be 500 yen."

"W-what?!"

With a short chortle, I wink at him and say, "But since it's your first time, I'll let you have my advice for free."

Looking a bit shaken, he simply nods his head and chokes out, "Thank you."

"My pleasure." With that, I get up from my seat and exit the break room, leaving Kurosaki-kun alone to think.

I have to admit I'm in a considerably better mood now than I was before as I make my way back to the office. As soon as I enter, though, Kachou beckons me to his workspace and I immediately see a half-eaten cheesecake on his desk.

"Tatsumi!" he greets jovially as he pats my shoulder. "So nice to see you!"

I take a wild guess at who ate that cheesecake. He always is in such a good mood after eating sweets… "The same to you, Kachou," I reply out of courtesy with a smile.

"Would you like some cheesecake? I told Tsuzuki that I'd only let him mope around the office if he'd buy me sweets in return."

I have to chuckle. "No thank you. By the way, where is Tsuzuki? I don't think I saw him in the office when I came by…"

"Oh him?" Kachou mutters offhandedly, more preoccupied with the cheesecake than anything else as he takes another slice. "I think he said something about going home early…."

Hmm. Interesting. "I think…that I shall do the same…"

"W-what?" he stutters in alarm, nearly dropping his slice. "You going home early?"

I sigh and roll my eyes. Is it really that unusual? …On second thought, I understand his alarm. "I'll be back."

"Er, alright…"

I excuse myself and plan to go straight to Tsuzuki's apartment…

As expected, Tsuzuki doesn't immediately answer when I knock loudly on his apartment door. I have to repeat the process five times over before he finally comes to the door, sick of my persistent knocking I'll bet.

Just barely opening up the door, he informs me, "I don't - oh!" The door swings right open and a slightly disheveled Tsuzuki greets me, "Tatsumi! …What are you doing here?"

"Just…stopping by to say hi," I say, trying on my most disarming smile. "May I come in?"

"Uhh…sure," he mutters as he steps aside to let me in. From his actions, it's apparent that he hadn't really expected anyone to stop by, let alone me. "Make yourself at home."

"Thank you," I say gratefully as I stride in and he closes the door. Immediately taking charge of the situation, I ask, "Would you like some tea?" I know he always has tea in his kitchen cupboards to go with certain cakes.

He looks startled, and I don't blame him. "Ah…ah…yes?" he answers and immediately follows me like a curious puppy when I make my way to his kitchen. "Umm…um...thank you, Tatsumi."

"You're quite welcome, Tsuzuki," I answer, patting his head as I find packets for Green tea. "So, you left work early… Are you sick?"

"Nah, just lazy," he answers immediately with an almost impish grin, but I know he's lying to me. I've known and watched him so long that I know almost every expression and gesture he makes - I know how his eyes light up when he can't stop smiling over the prospect of cake…and how his eyes become faraway when he sees his partner…

"Ah, yes. You did just return from your vacation, after all," I say as I play along with him. "How was it, by the way? You never told me."

"Aren't you supposed to be at work right now?" he asks, obviously and deliberately changing the subject.

"Yes, but I was so driven by curiosity over what your vacation was like that I couldn't stand it and absolutely had to come over here and bug you about it," I smile and run water into the kettle. I suppose he knew I wasn't serious about what I had said.

"Ah, you wouldn't be interested in it anyway. All we did was lay out by the pool all day," he tries to deflect me once again. I have to admire his persistence, though. It probably comes from decades of trying to persuade me to up the budget…

"Yes, but as a mundane person, I'm interested in mundane things," I smile innocently at him and put the tea packet in the kettle.

He just shakes his head childishly and looks at me with those shimmering amethyst orbs. "Yeah, but it was really boring - even for you!"

I'm somewhat irked at that statement. …With my stubbornness and his persistence, this could take all day, so it seems I have to resort to my old standby - shadow threatening. "Tsuzuki," I say almost warningly as I expand my spiritual energy to make the shadows in the room ripple so much that not even he could possibly be oblivious to it, "tell me."

"But Tatsumi -"

"Tell me," I growl, my patience wearing thin, and make the shadows violently contort into the semi-scary things I know he's afraid of - cookie monster, bogeyman, all things of that nature. The shadows uncontrollably revert to their natural state, though, when he starts to cry.

"Hidoiiiiiiiiiii, Tatsumi!" the inu-Tsuzuki whines as he tries to wipe away the tears quickly. "You're just as mean as Hisoka!"

Calmly as if nothing ever happened, I turn on the stove and set the kettle on its range. "And how was he mean to you…?"

"Well, you see, he -" Tsuzuki starts in full Complain Mode before realizing that he was just about to tell me. "Umm…"

"What did Kurosaki-kun do to you?" I ask gently as I turn to him with another disarming smile.

Tsuzuki sighs and gives a side-glance to the stove range, looking a bit guilty. From years of observing him, I can tell that he's ready to give up. "…Well, he didn't exactly do anything…but…you see, it all started when we took our vacation…"

I give him a reassuring smile and myself an inward sigh of relief. Finally.

[To withdraw, the cloud carries away

My feelings, stopping to just stand on the path returning home

You are already of the continuing dream

With not the intention of being reached and I understand]

"Kyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!" I squealed as Hisoka handed in our report to Kachou, signaling the start of our very first vacation together. It didn't matter where we were going as long as we were going somewhere together. "Vacation!" I chanted excitedly as I made laps around Kachou's office. In my happiness, I stopped to pick up a stapler and pencil holder from his desk and held a conversation:

"Oh hello Mrs. Stapler, where are 'Soka-chan and Tsuzuki going?"

"Oh hi Mr. Pencil Holder, I think they're going on a…"

"A what?"

"Mr. and Mrs. Office Supplies, we're going on a vacation!" I wiggled enthusiastically as Hisoka raised an eyebrow and Kachou started to push us out…

After a few hours of taunting everyone we saw with the fact that we were going on a vacation and doing all the necessary packing, we arrived at the heavenly little resort outside a big city. I couldn't believe that it was actually nice! No expenses were spared!

I'll have to really thank Tatsumi when we get back!

"Oh!" he stops, "thank you, Tatsumi!"

I blink. "Uh…you're welcome…"

The hotel was so nice and I wanted to explore it, but Hisoka seemed to want to actually check in first… I tried to wait for him, I really did, but I just…couldn't! All the floors were nice and shiny so I rolled around on them for a while until this lady came and asked if I was having a seizure. I just giggled and bounced off until I came to a notice on the wall beside a large, spacious, and very, very shiny room advertising the hotel ball that would be held sometime around the middle of our vacation.

A ballroom dance! I couldn't believe my eyes! Ever since Ruka taught me how, I've loved to dance, but since dying, I hadn't really had a chance at it except that one case with Hisae.

Dancing at it with Hisoka would be perfect!

I tried to envision it all: the classical waltz playing in the background, people around us moving artfully to the music, and us holding each other, dancing the traditional waltz. It was almost a fairy-tale fantasy!

Hisoka's hands are small and delicate, but would they feel like a woman's in a dance? Perhaps they're larger, not like mine, but…

Not having formally held Hisoka's hand before, it was somewhat difficult to try to imagine how they would fit into mine. Would they be too large to comfortably fit in my hands…? Or perhaps they would be too small…? And the temperature of his hands - would they be too hot? Too cold? My own hands are a little on the warm side, so what if his were too cold? It would make them difficult and uncomfortable to hold, and I would just end up feeling cold all over. I never did like that feeling… But what if they were too hot? That would be even worse because they would get all sweaty and it'd be difficult to grasp them, not to mention the fact that it would be too uncomfortable…

"My wife is overly excited about this ball and is really looking forward to it. I personally hate dancing, but if it makes her happy, then I'll gladly do it," a soft and deep voice interrupted my thoughts. With a start, I looked to see who it was and saw a middle-aged man walking down the hall towards me. "What about you? Do you have a loved one to go with?"

I looked at him and smiled. He had nice, pleasant eyes - the kind that are a joy to talk to, no matter the color. You have eyes like those…did you know that? His were a soft sea green. …I really don't know why I noticed that about him. "I'd like to think so!"

"I know young people like you like to believe that there's a soul mate out there waiting to find you… My daughter's like that, always thinking that she'll meet the man of her dreams everywhere she goes," he said, misunderstanding me I think.

It still made me laugh happily, though, especially at how he called me young. "Well I think I've found mine."

This man was a romantic at heart - I could tell by the way his eyes lit up when he talked about his family. "Really? That's wonderful. I think people give up too easily, though, in their search for true love and that's why there are so many divorces nowadays, but it's truly wonderful that you've found your own."

"Yeah," I agreed, feeling even more energized by this talk about love. Unlike others that I work with, I don't really think I hide the fact that I passionately believe that there's someone out there for everyone. People just…have to try a couple of times. "Only…I think he hates me."

"Oh," he stated in surprise, startled by my words, "that…puts a damper on things, doesn't it?"

I just laughed again and put on my second-most brilliant and beautiful smile - the first is just for him. "Not really, because I know I'll win his heart!"

The man's surprise changed into a broad smile, but he said nothing else. Even as I waved goodbye to him, he just nodded, continuing that broad and happy smile.

I couldn't stop smiling as well as I ran down the hall to apologize to…that person…

…The person whose heart I know I'll win because I knowhe's my soul mate…

"Hisoka!!" I cried out as I burst into our new hotel room (hey, I was listening to their conversation in my impatience!), scaring the crap out of him, I think. I kept begging for him to forgive me for ditching him, even though his eyes told me they weren't mad. In return, I wanted to show him the shiny ballroom. That was my happiness and I wanted to share it with him.

What my happiness is, I want to be his.

I told him about the ball the hotel was hosting and about how shiny and pretty the ballroom was. He called me a magpie, so I said to him that I wanted to dance with him.

And…you know what…?

He said yes.

I'll win your heart, Hisoka, just to share my happiness and make you smile.

Enthusiastically, I took him on a tour of the hotel room, showing him everything I had seen and felt. I know I had to have been making him sick from all the happiness I was radiating, but I couldn't help it.

I wanted the world to know he told me yes.

During the tour, though, he became distant…like his heart was somewhere else and his body was just left to distract me. I had to bring him back to me, so I hoisted his body up into my arms and started to walk back to the room, hoping his heart would follow.

Hisoka's really light… He really should eat more, you know.

I knew his heart had caught up with us when he started to protest. Of course, despite what he wanted me to do, I was not going to put him down. He was…tired…yeah, that's it. Tired, so naturally I had to carry him. I don't think he quite saw my logic, but then again, few people do.

Eventually he resigned himself and just let me carry him, scowling at me every once in a while, but his eyes gave everything away. He was actually…happy.

I like eyes, except for my own, because they show what people are really thinking and feeling. Hisoka's eyes, velvety green, try to hide his feelings, but don't do a very good job of it at times, while Watari's, shining amber, show everything he's ever felt. Your eyes, icy blue, take years of observation to tell exactly what you feel, but they light up when you're happy and darken when you're sad or angry.

Did you know that?

When we got back to the hotel room, I laid him down on the bed, still keeping a hold of him as I observed his beautiful eyes.

Right now they're scared…why are they scared?

"…Do you want something?" he asked, but by looking into his eyes, I could tell that wasn't the case.

I thought about this one. What could I tell him? Ummm… "A tip."

"A tip?"

"Yes, a tip."

"…For what?"

"Carrying you, of course!"

"…Baka… What kind of tip do you want?"

I want your eyes to sparkle and the corners of your mouth tug into a smile. That's the type of tip that would make my day.

But what could I tell him? That I want him to be beautiful? That's…what he is when he smiles.

Beautiful.

"A tippy tip!" I smiled, thinking of a beautiful Hisoka. That's what he is.

Always.

…Did I say he was beautiful? That wasn't beautiful - this was beautiful. He smiled at me.

I. Made. Him. Smile.

"Ba-" he started before I pressed my nose against his to be closer to heaven - closer to his eyes and smile.

"…ka?" I finished with a happy and dreamy smile.

He called me a dorkfish and that made me laugh. Even when he's trying to be angry, he's beautiful and that makes me happy.

…Because when he's beautiful, he's smiling - with his eyes or with his mouth. When he's smiling, I'm smiling. When I'm smiling…I'm with him.

And when I'm with him, I'm in heaven.

"…What's a tippy tip?" he asked softly…and I never thought he could take on that tone.

It…was like someone flipped a switch and made me feel that way. I could feel the blood rushing all over my body and my face heat up while my tummy did flip-flops. The way he looked at me with those stunningly gorgeous velvety green eyes…my body just moved on it's own, leaving me to ask it just what the heck it thought it was doing. I know I slid my hands down to his hips and brushed his lips softly as I leaned in, but it felt like I had no control over what I was doing.

…I didn't want to have control.

Why couldn't someone just gag the cautious and rational me and throw me in a closet or something? When he let out a soft moan that vibrated slightly against my lips, that's when everything hit me.

I couldn't do it.

"CHICKEN!" I squeaked and bolted upright. Yeah, that's what I was, Grade A Chicken: Gushoshin style. "Ah yeah, that's what a tippy tip is! Chicken! Hey, you know, I'm going to see if they have any chicken because boy do I want some! Be back later!" I'm almost ashamed and impressed at how fast I bolted out of there.

Auggggggh! Tsuzuki Asato, you stupid idiot!!!!!!

I walked around the hotel, trying to shake that feeling of impending doom and my own stupidity.

I had something good, you know!!!!! Tsuzuki's you're just a-

"Yeah, well…you have no self control!"

…

"…"

…SO?!

I was even arguing with myself! Out of desperation and my body's torment, I lay down on the floor and writhed in my own self-agony.

The lady from earlier came out of her room, staring at me, and I stared back, feeling like a deer caught in headlights.

"Honey, he's doing it again!"

Before "honey" could come out and tell me to get lost and stop creeping his darling out, I took off on my own, reluctantly going back to the hotel room where I had chickened out.

Chicken… "Um…um…they're all out of chicken…" I told him as soon as I got back.

Hisoka just stared at me and gave me this look. "…Okay…"

He didn't seem mad or freaked out about what happened earlier, so I let it go and instead challenged him to a game of Gin.

You know…Hisoka's a fabulous Gin player, actually. I suck.

During our many games…he seemed quiet, as if lost in thought. I guess I really was a chicken because I didn't want to question him or break that silence. I just…didn't want anything painful to come up…. I guess I took advantage of his silence and thought about things - everything - until I finally reached a conclusion…

I really suck at Gin.

After my proclamation that I wouldn't stop until I won, I kept losing until Hisoka let me win that last one - that's how much I suck at that game. But…that's not the only conclusion I reached…

"Hey, tomorrow morning, why don't we go into the city? We can act like tourists for the day. Won't that be fun?" he said to me and that made me happy. I like being happy.

"Hai! …But…what about your empathy?"

"I'll try to block everyone out and just concentrate on having fun. With all the distractions, it should be easy."

Liar…but at least he wants to be with me.

Do I…make him happy?

…

He makes me happy…

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~End of Part 2, Chapter 1~

I'll admit, it was a bit hard writing considering my mind wasn't completely on this… So sorry if it seems a little…eh…

Anyway, part of the reason why this took so long is because Tatsumi refused to knock on Tsuzuki's door and the other part is my former beta reader, Val, who I "fired" for taking way too long with this and Iris ^_^ So yes, sorry for the inconvenience. And also, sorry if I don't know how to make tea! (Everything I make in the kitchen burns…that, or it makes my mom throw up… -_-;)

Hmm…every time I say that the next part will be out quickly, it always takes the longest time… *switches tactics* You'll have to wait because the next part's going to take a long time to come out!

Toozakaru kumo ni nosete

Boku no kimochi tachidomaru kaerimichi

Kimi wa mou yume no tsuzuki

Todoku hazu mo nai koto datto wakatteiru

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