Yami No Matsuei Fan Fiction ❯ Within My Mind, Within Your Heart ❯ Crone ( Chapter 6 )

Within My Mind, Within Your Heart

Chapter Six- Crone

 

It was odd how the passageways seemed to alter now. This one was… well, to Tsuzuki's surprise, it wasn't any color but grey. There were no steaks of light, no blinding white light to greet him, just grey color all around him. It was almost scary, as he knew Hisoka didn't like the color grey or silver or anything closely related to that color, because of a certain doctor.

 

The passageway now began to dissolve once more. Tsuzuki was feeling his magic growing weaker the deeper he delved into his partner's mind. He was also getting tired of chasing the boy, but he wasn't going to give up. Not now. He had gotten too far to turn back now.

 

His feet touched ground again. It was again grass, however… this grass felt more real than the first two levels. How that could be, Tsuzuki didn't know. The grey faded into fog that surrounded the sakura trees around him. Hold on, was he seeing right? More sakura trees?

 

Tsuzuki did a full 360 degree turn. Yes, more sakura trees. But why? The fog dissipated somewhat and he realized he was in a mind created version of Ju-Oh-Cho, under the eternally blossoming sakura trees. It was night time, with the full moon, pale and white, shining high and big in the sky, where there were a few stars twinkling near it. The Big Dipper would be seen a little far off to the right and the Little Dipper not too far from that.

 

Tsuzuki looked around, not sure where to look. It was then that he saw Hisoka standing but a few yards away from him, looking up at the moon, hands in the pockets of his jeans, his faded pink button up shirt lifting slightly as the wind played with his shirt and bottom of his pants. He was the same person, the same nineteen year old as before on the fourth level, the Mother level. But, in a strange sense, he seemed even more powerful now. It was in his aura. On top of that, he looked older than nineteen, in a way, and looking like he had gathered even more wisdom.

 

Tsuzuki wasn't sure how to approach the empath, not with how he had acted on previous level. Should he try and show Hisoka how he cared? The foreign feeling inside him welled up and he walked over to the boy, who didn't seem to acknowledge him, but Tsuzuki knew that Hisoka knew he was there. He was an empath. Tsuzuki reached out and placed a hand on the teen's shoulder.

 

“So, you did come,” the teen said, but his voice sounded older, much older, and sounded like he held great amounts of information that was just waiting to be released. “I expected as much. You're persistent, that much I will offer you.”

 

His words seem to tie together in stronger ways than Tsuzuki thought possible of his younger partner. If it went from childhood, then to his stronger side, then it this would probably be his more knowledgeable side. It all made sense now; at least, he knew what level he was on and the right level at that.

 

“You're stubborn, you know that?” he asked, turning around to face Tsuzuki, not swatting the hand on his shoulder away. “You're determined to bring me back, but not for how I feel. I know you still care, yet not the way I do you. I care more for you than you do to me, so would it really make sense for me to come back? In here, it doesn't really hurt. At least, not as much as it would on the outside if I was to return to consciousness.”

 

“I want you back and though I say that, you don't care. You don't understand,” Tsuzuki said, tightening his grip on Hisoka's shoulder. Hisoka shook his head and gently shrugged Tsuzuki's hand off his shoulder. “No, it's you who doesn't understand,” the boy answered.

 

Hisoka walked away from the elder shinigami before turning back around, leaning against one of the sakura trees as the petals danced down in front of him. His green gaze was unwavering and set in stone, deepening each second and darkening again, but only slightly. He let out a sigh.

 

“You care for me as a friend, yet you don't understand why I can't do that as well. I already said it. I love you. But even as I say it, you don't return that feeling and insist on being friends. Now I ask you, in the fifth level of my mind, why should I come back with a grieving heartache when I have the choice to not come back at all and keep my emotions locked away so I won't be pained any more than necessary? It seems selfish, I'm sure, but you don't understand how far emotions can take it. If I returned, heartaches would hold me down and I would just retreat anyway, become what I was before you opened me up like a music box: an empty shell. It's much easier to just retreat father into my mind so it won't hurt anymore. Pain is all I feel because you only want me as something less of what I think of you, Asato. It's so much easier to push people away than it is to let them in. So what does it matter if I retreat farther or come back? It makes no difference. It seems that even now, you don't understand what I'm saying.”

 

Hisoka bowed his head and then chuckled, a small smile on his lips. “You really do have the qualities of an idiot. I guess that's another reason I fell for you. Strange how when I first met you, I wanted to kill you, but that was a misunderstanding, because you just seemed too spiritually powerful to be human. Guess that's where I go the vampire idea from.”

 

Hisoka chuckled again as Tsuzuki stood there speechless and dumbfounded by the empath's strong words, powerful as they were. The boy stood up again and walked over to Tsuzuki. He reached up a hand and gently caressed his cheek, as if marveling the simple existence of it there. Tsuzuki leaned into the touch without thinking, actually enjoying the innocent contact, even though its meaning wasn't exactly innocent.

 

Another hand went up to cup his other cheek, holding his head carefully and wiping away a stray tear that Tsuzuki didn't know lingered there. The elder shinigami didn't know why, but he allowed the younger to gently move his head slightly to the side, as if he was examining him. Then, he felt one of the hands move and a finger ran across his slightly parted lips slowly.

 

“It's ironic, you know,” the empath said. Tsuzuki opened his eyes to look at him. The younger shinigami's face was set into some innocence, yet it was still wise and his gaze was intense. “Ironic that no matter how far I go, you chase after me, but as I see it, there's no hope of you returning my feelings fully. It's hard for me understand; smart as I am on this level. Why don't you tell me, Asato?”

 

The elder shinigami looked down at his friend, lost for words. What could he say? Should he say anything at all? Why couldn't he stop Hisoka from going back further? Why did the boy continue to do even though Tsuzuki had pleaded? Why was he repeating these questions to himself for the thousandth time?

 

He heard Hisoka sigh and the hands fell from his face. Tsuzuki actually missed the presence of the cool hands caressing his cheeks with so much care. The foreign feeling he felt grew as the empath turned away from him, beginning to walk away. Tsuzuki reached out and hugged the boy from behind, pulling him back to his chest. “No, don't go away again,” he whispered. “Not again.”

 

He heard the boy's breath catch and the teen turned around and was about to embrace him back when he stopped, arms falling down to his sides. Tsuzuki held onto the fabric of Hisoka's light pink blouse, but the boy was somehow able to pull back, Tsuzuki's hand going right through him for a few moments before he became solid again. The forest gems looked up into amethyst orbs before the owner of the green eyes spoke again, this time, his voice was low and quiet.

 

“You've already forgotten I can sense how you feel. It's not love, but when I read it over and over, I realized it's not friendship either. It's something in between.”

 

“Isn't that enough?” asked Tsuzuki, his hopes high on taking his partner back willingly. His hopes were crushed as Hisoka slowly shook his head from side to side and whispered, “I'm sorry, Asato, but it's just not… I can't go back with you having conflict because you're stuck between love and friendship. I know it's selfish, but I just can't.”

 

Hisoka's Crone level version of him now seemed more child-like, innocent, less wise than he was, more hopeless than anything. A burning sensation assaulted Tsuzuki's eyes and his heart clenched. He was… in between? How was that even possible? It didn't seem like he was, but Hisoka was the only empath here… he was the only one who could know. And Hisoka would never lie to him inside his own mind… would he?

 

“No, I wouldn't,” Hisoka cut into his thoughts, shaking his head sadly. “Not in here. And I know you can't tell what you feel more than half the time, but…”

 

Another bittersweet smile crossed over the pale face. “It's just amazing how persistent you are. You're stubborn, and you try. You really try. No one else would've come this far into my mind to look for me for nothing. It's really remarkable… to me at the very least.”

 

“Then, with all my struggles, you refuse,” Tsuzuki said, his voice beginning to crack. “It's you who's doing this to yourself.”

 

“Maybe…” came the empath's response, but that voice raised a few decimals so that it sounded firm and defiant. “But it's my choice. Now, I don't even want to return for… well, anything. I know I should, for your sake if no one else's, but love… love does odd things to me, Asato.”

 

The boy climbed the nearest tree and sat on the lowest branch, looking at Tsuzuki as his eyes softened and lost some of their darkness, glazing over in remorse, kindness, regret, and some guilt. Hisoka reached up and plucked a sakura blossom from a nearby flower and fingered the petal in his forefinger and thumb, twirling it slightly.

 

“Love… makes me feel warm, warmer than I've ever felt, if I was ever warm at all in the first place. And when I'm around you, it's hard to think straight, it's hard to keep up my shields, it's even hard to breathe and yet when I think of you, keep thinking of you, it seems to… complete me… fill me with something warm, comfortable, safe…”

 

The empath let the cherry blossom go, watching as the wind caught it and carried it away. The green eyes darkened another shade as the petal mixed with other falling sakura, blending with other pale petals before getting lost in the dust, vanishing from the mind's eye.

 

“To me, it's like you're my breath, you're my warmth, and you're my anchor…”

 

“Then fall back onto me,” Tsuzuki said, stepping closer to the empath sitting on the branch, a few feet from the tree. “If I'm your anchor, then relax, fall back on me.”

 

Hisoka smiled slightly. “I would, but it wouldn't be the same as I see it. I'm sorry, Asato, but I just can't.”

 

The teen hopped down from the tree, landing gracefully on his feet, looking back up at the moon for a minute before he whispered, “It's time.”

 

Tsuzuki was confused. “Time for what?”

 

“Time for me to leave this level,” Hisoka answered, gaze switching from the sky to the amethyst eyes of the elder shinigami, which were beginning to brim with tears. Hisoka sighed, hanging his head slightly.

 

“I'm sorry, Tsuzuki. This is how it has to be,” he whispered. The cherry blossoms suddenly picked up and swirled around him in a cyclone. But as soon as it started, it stopped, and Hisoka was gone. Silence engulfed the mind creation of Ju-Oh-Cho, and only Tsuzuki stood there, the sakura dancing around his body endlessly.

 

Tsuzuki shut his eyes tightly before he opened them again, looking up at the pale moon. A few tears rolled down his cheeks and vanished behind his ear and into his chocolate brown hair. He could understand what Hisoka was doing and why, but what he couldn't' understand was why he couldn't figure out his feelings.

 

He remembered Hisoka's words:

 

 

“You've already forgotten I can sense how you feel. It's not love, but when I read it over and over, I realized it's not friendship either. It's something in between.”

 

How was it possible to feel some love and some friendship towards one person who loved him completely? It didn't make any sense. It seemed impossible. But Hisoka never lied in his mind… his mind would protest against him if he did. What could he, Tsuzuki, do? He could feel some love towards the boy stirring within hi heart, but his heart also told him to keep him as a friend, if not for own personal sake, then Hisoka's. But the teen seemed to want to love him… he wanted to be loved in return.

 

Tsuzuki recited the spell to go more within Hisoka's mind, to his Conscious. The boy wasn't going to get away from him. Not now and not ever. Even if it was partial love, it was love nonetheless. And Hisoka needed to understand that.