Yami No Matsuei Fan Fiction ❯ You Know Nothing ❯ Chapter 1

You Know Nothing

Darkangel Rose

`Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy'

- New Testament, Matthew5:7

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Tsuzuki,

You do not know what it is like. You do not know how it is to be chained while he whispers sweet venom into your ear. You don't know the ache of being alone for so long, caged up like a freak and discarded by everyone you love. Watched like a beast through the unrelenting, cold steel bars. Did you know, Tsu, they kept me locked up for years? And you think I can just forget? You think I can just forgive my parents for what they've done? Forgive HIM for everything he put me through, just for your sanity's sake? I'm sorry, but I cannot. You say that it is not much, but you are wrong.

And you do not even know the half of it. You don't know everything, or even anything.

Do you even have any idea how much it fucks with your mind … to be discrete and completely without contact for your whole life? And then, HIM? To wander out one night and to meet HIM, to have HIM touch you? After all those years of being shunned away, to meet someone who wants you, in whatever sick and twisted way? To be claimed so wholly in the midst of vicious murmurs and blurred sensations of HIM pounding against you, inside you? HE wanted me, but I was unwilling, so HE forced me. And then, afterwards, HE left without another word. Do you even know what that did to me?

HE broke me, Tsu-chan, that doctor of yours. HE invaded my life, and my mind, and my body, and my soul. HE took away everything I never knew I needed. My innocence, my life, my hope, and the blissful numbness that had thus far let me stand back and watch my life as an outsider. HE made me feel, and for that I shall never forgive HIM. HE made me forget and then forced me to relive the whole night all over again. And then HE did it again. You never knew that, did you? Back when we had just met, that time when you first rescued me. You came right after HE was done, Tsu, and you never knew what HE did.

HE is my Hell, Tsuzuki-chan, how can you not see? But no, of course, you cannot.

HE has intoxicated you. HE has taken you from me for good. You think that HE loves you? Lies. HE cannot love, Tsu, HE can only conquer. You were just HIS nest conquest. HE would have left you as HE did me after that first night if it were not for me.

I know how it was for you that first time he claimed you. Don't lie to yourself, Tsu, and don't lie to me. We both know HE raped you. What else would you call it? I know you remember, and I know you still have nightmares. Tsu, how on Earth could you fall for the man who violated you like that?

HE would have left if HE did not delight in pain quite so much. If HIS curiosity were not so morbid. HE sees everything, Tsu-chan, everything. HE saw my deepest secret, more guarded than the memory of HIM ruining me. HE could sense my love for you, like HE could smell it in my tears. So HE decided to win you from me, so that I would once again be with nothing.

I think I realized this one night when I was bandaging your wounds, three months after that first time he took you. Gifts from HIM, you call them? Can't you see anything? HE tears you apart, because HE knows it tears me apart.

And now you have come to love HIM. How could you, Tsu? Didn't you see it in my eyes, the way I care for you? Yet you chose HIM over me; HIM, with HIS silky words and HIS skin like alabaster. And it is because of this, my Tsu-chan, you have hurt me more than HE ever could.

You don't know anything. Well, I think it's abut time you woke up, time you saw it clearly.

HE still comes to me some nights. I've learned to close my eyes and my heart and try to stay as still as possible as HE violates me again and again. But that's not all. That's not what kills me the most. It's the way HE whispers your name so wantonly into my ear, flaunting the fact that HE has stolen the only thing I ever truly needed. I can live without my innocence and without my hope. I can hear you screaming for HIM, Tsu, begging for HIM to fuck you.

And I absolutely can take no more. I cannot live without you.

And I have tried taking my life. I have attempted suicide so many times I have lost count. But HE always stops me. HE won't let me end it, won't let me out.

But I can no longer remain in this torturous silence. I know you love him, Tsu, and you may think me selfish for resisting it so. But I am no doll, Tsuzuki, and I'd rather be alone for another thousand years than forgive HIM.

Yours,

Hisoka