Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ As If! ❯ Keith's Machinations, Pt. 2 ( Chapter 30 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
*Author's Note: A quick comment about internal conversations -- once a character is marked as thinking or speaking telepathically, it's presumed that that's what they're doing for the rest of the scene, unless it's marked otherwise. Having to write "thinking" in front of every line would get real dull real fast.

The next update will be Thoth-knows-when. Possibly tomorrow, possibly next week. I've been really busy, I'm afraid. ^_^;;

Now, reviews:

Nips - Ahh, the Mai-CC thing. *grins* I love explaining jokes! So, the joke started with:

*Scene: What happens in the CCs when you name a character "Mai."*

Pegasus: *thinking* This duel is over. My spirit is broken. She's lost the will to go on.

So, as with most of my jokes, there are a couple of ways to look at it. First, you could just think that Pegasus is saying that his spirit is broken because Mai lost the duel. Rather odd even just like that, no?

Another way would be to think that the last sentence there was still referring to Pegasus's spirit. What's the difference? Well, she's lost the will to go on. Pegasus's soul is female!

Is this the way that line is supposed to be taken, for real? No, of course not. But flip on the closed captioning, and I dare you to tell me that that isn't what it says!

As for the Black Luster Ritual, I hadn't known exactly how it worked, but I figured it had to be closer to that than "sacrifice all monsters from the field." That would just be laaaaaame.

Bronze Eagle - Waaaaaiiiiiiit a second. You're saying that Yami was only just beginning to realize he was a separate person from Yugi during the duel with Mai? What happened to the Face Off trilogy? To Evil Spirit of the Ring? To the very first episode where Yami had to talk Yugi into dueling when Yugi freaked out? I'm sorry, but I think you lost me five miles ago, there...

Angel Reaper - There's nothing wrong with "great Scott," it's just so... British. That and having him say it in a rhyme with "it's not." Just... painful...

Hmm. For some reason, I really don't feel like adding in suggested ideas for this chapter. I'm being kinda... I dunno... almost writer's-blocky, only not, and basically just kinda disinterested. Ff.net isn't really helping with it, either. I keep wanting to ask questions, but with their new no-interaction rule, I can't, can I?

...well, actually I CAN, as long as I clearly state that these are PURELY RHETORICAL and for AMUSEMENT VALUE ONLY. DO NOT ANSWER THESE UNDER PAIN OF TAUK-WHACKING.

1. Is this fic still funny? I'm really not sure, and I'm REALLY unsure about this chapter... but I don't know what it is I'm doing wrong, if I am indeed doing it wrong.

2. Would you guys prefer I stayed up to date with the new episodes, but had shorter chapters, or should I try to keep up the chapter length while potentially continuing to fall further behind?

3. Should I give up on the new episodes while I finish getting settled in, and tackle the old episodes (which are undeniably easier) instead? Should I switch back and forth randomly as my heart desires? Or should I realize that I'm going to end up writing whatever I want whenever I have time, and so this is a rather foolish question?

4. Am I the only one that has the bizarre compulsion to write an angsty Yami/Yugi songfic to Mandy Moore's "Cry" whenever it comes on the radio? Despite the fact that "Cry" would be absolutely horrible for a songfic?

Now, remember, those are absolutely, positively NOT TO BE ANSWERED. Specifically the one about how you like my fic. Such things are quite forbidden, yes yes.*

*Scene: Might as well start off with the first line, huh?*

Tristan: Man, this has gotta be the closest match I've ever seen!

Téa: Uh-huh. And you became the big Duel Monsters Tournament expert... when?

*Scene: More lack of action.*

Téa: Don't let up now, Joey. It all comes down to these next few turns.

Bakura: Because, of course, the first few turns didn't matter at all. And the last turns, those are complete throw-aways.

*Bakura gets jabbed in the arm by an angry Téa.*

*Scene: Six cents and counting.*

Tristan: Your sister's countin' on ya! Make her proud!

Joey: *thumbs-up* No prob!

Tristan: That wasn't exactly the answer I was looking for. I mean, if it's easy, then it's not really worth being proud over, is it?

*Scene: Everyone has thoughts to share.*

Pegasus: This duel has turned into quite the nail-biter. Joey, a virtual unknown, going card-for-card with the intercontinental champion?

Téa: Hey, that reminds me! If Keith's the intercontinental champion, then what's Kaiba?

Bakura: Something else, one would presume.

Téa: *sweatdrops* Gee, thanks.

*Scene: Pegasus takes a gander with his Millennium Eye to find out why the duelists are, well, dueling.*

Pegasus: *thinking* My, my. So while one is driven by bitter vengeance, the other is motivated by love and trust. Why, it's practically a battle of good vs. evil! *chuckles* How amusing.

Yami: *telepathically* Mm, I know. Almost makes me want to cheer on the other side, just as a break from all this goody-goody stuff, but I'm afraid my other might not have that short a memory.

Pegasus: Ooh, indeed. How unfortunate.

Yami: Aw, can it.

*Scene: Blustering and threats.*

Bandit Keith: You ain't nothin' but a speed bump on my way to duel Pegasus, and that goes double for that dweeby friend o' yours, Yugi.

Joey: Yeah, right, Keith.

Bandit Keith: What'd you say?

Joey: I've got news for you, pal. Even if you beat me -- which you won't -- Yugi'd cream ya. And you know why?

Téa: Uh, he's got an evil spirit that's more than happy to do anything to help him win, even kill?

Joey: *blinks* Er, if you want to get all technical about it, then yeah.

*Scene: Bandit Keith plays his Barrel Dragon and something face-down.*

Bandit Keith: See, with its triple attack laser discharge system, it has three attacks, not just one! I can clear all of your monsters from the field in just one turn. So say "adios" to your two buddies on the field. Go Proton Blast!

*The Barrel Dragon attacks with its three cannons, but fails to hit much of anything, except the walls.*

Joey: *snickers* Guess that thing's not ambidextrous, huh?

*Scene: Joey's got a plan.*

Joey: *plays* Meet the master of the past and future! And I'm not done, Keith. I'm throwin' this baby down, too. Baby Dragon, that is! *plays again*

Téa: Geez, how many copies of those two cards does he have?

Yugi: I don't know, but if it's more than one, I want my Time Wizard back...

*Scene: Baby Dragon flexes its muscles.*

Joey: Now you got two things to worry about, Keith: that blaster of yours rustin' up and this little guy growin' up!

Bandit Keith: No, actually, it's still just the one -- the Time Roulette.

Joey: Ohh, but that sounds so much less cool...

*Scene: Over to the cheerleaders as Joey spins the Time Roulette.*

Yugi: Of course, if that Time Roulette lands wrong, then Joey'll have something to worry about. His Time Wizard will be destroyed and he'll be at the mercy of Keith's blaster.

Bakura: It's in Fate's hands, now.

Tristan: *groans* And Joey's never been too good with the girls...

*Scene: According to the closed captions...*

Time Wizard: Time is magic.

Yami: Pfft, pretty lame magic, if you ask me. Although, I guess it has a higher death rate than any other kind... Still, give me your psionic arts any day over that.

*Scene: Some helpful shouting.*

Yugi: Nice work, Joey! The stage is set perfectly!

Joey: *drolly* Thanks, Yuge. I didn't notice, there.

*Scene: Keith reveals his trap.*

Bandit Keith: Say hello to my time-travelling Time Machine!

Joey: Uhh, there are other kinds?

*Scene: The re-arrival of the Barrel Dragon, full power.*

Joey: He's gone. My dragon's gone.

Bandit Keith: And he's gonna stay gone, too. That is, unless you have a Time Machine trap set up to bring him back.

Téa: Or a Reborn the Monster card, or any of the other multitude of cards that allow you to re-use monsters.

*The other cheerleaders sigh.*

*Scene: After another set of moves.*

Joey: I could throw a monster out and destroy Keith's Slot Machine, but then he'd just turn around and destroy whatever card I play with that dragon. Even my strongest card of all, the Red-Eyes Black Dragon, wouldn't stand a chance.

Téa: Poor Joey.

Bakura: But didn't we just decide, oh, five minutes ago that trap cards were the way to win this duel?

Tristan: Yeah, well, that got real old, real fast, I guess.

Bakura: *sweatdrops; drolly* Indeed.

*Scene: Joey plays.*

Joey: I'm gonna lay one card face down, and throw the Red-Eyes Black Dragon in Attack Mode! And that'll do it for me.

Téa: But, wait. I thought the whole point of playing something in Attack Mode was to, well, attack!

Yugi: Oh. Well. It's highly complicated, Téa. *whispers to the others* Is there any chance we could get her a sedative, or something?

Tristan: *makes a show of searching his pockets and whispers back* I've got nothing.

Bakura: *excited whisper* Ooh! *pulls out a half-dozen pill bottles* They aren't exactly sedatives, but they'd do the trick just the same, I think!

Yugi: *looks at the bottles with obvious worry* Uhhh, on second thought, I think she'll be just fine.

*Scene: Joey uses Copycat to steal Magic Metal Force.*

Joey: How do you like that, Keith? Your triple blast dragon machine has been reduced to a pile of smoking metal debris! ...er, again.

Tristan: I'm not sure why, but that tagline always makes things sound less impressive.

Yugi: I guess it's like saying that quitting smoking's easy, 'cause you've already done it twice.

*Scene: Further along that line.*

Joey: *thinking* And with my sister's sight on the line, I plan on gettin' even tougher on ya.

Yami: *telepathically* Hey, that seems like a fine barb, at least for you. Why not say it out loud?

Joey: Eh, I was afraid I'd start to sound really repetitive.

Yami: Ah. But I don't think starting would be what you'd have to worry about, there.

Joey: *sweatdrops* Gee, thanks.

*Scene: Talking.*

Bandit Keith: I knew you were an amateur, and now I'm gonna show you how come.

Joey: *miming bad hearing* Huuuh?! Amateur? Um, didn't I just go and blast your best monster to bits?

Bandit Keith: I really don't see what evidence you'd have to think that.

Yugi: Yeah, why does everybody always think that the first tough monster is the toughest one? I don't get it...

*Scene: Time for Keithy to play.*

Bandit Keith: That's right, keep talkin', tough guy!

Bakura: *blinks* Now there's a new comeback line. Normally everybody wants Joey to shut up.

Téa: Yeah, seriously.

*Scene: Keith plays a card face-down and switches the Slot Machine to Defensive Mode.*

Joey: Boy, is Keith losin' it. That Slot Machine can't take a blast from my Red-Eyes no matter what mode he's in!

Tristan: Uh-huh, be that as it may, it certainly defends his life points rather well.

*Scene: Joey has his Red-Eyes Black Metal Dragon attack.*

Joey: He's still there?

Bandit Keith: That's 'cause my Seven Completed card raises my Slot's Defensive Points... to three thousand, to be exact.

Bakura: You know, I'd feel sorry for Joey, were it not for the fact that he ought to consider himself lucky that that card wasn't a more powerful trap.

*Scene: Bandit Keith wears long sleeves for a reason.*

Bandit Keith: Well, what do you know! Check out what card I just drew. I think I'll go ahead take it for a spin.

Téa: I don't know whether to laugh or groan.

*Scene: Keith plays the self-destructing Blast Sphere, but with far less of an effect than he'd hoped.*

Bandit Keith: Huh? But that dragon should be blown to bits! This ain't right!

Joey: Oh, it's right, thanks to my handy Dragon Nails card. It made my Red-Eyes six hundred Attack Points stronger.

Tristan: Of course! The blast got deflected.

Téa: By claws.

Tristan: Um, yes. By claws.

Téa: Uh-huh. Right.

*Scene: Keith "draws" another Seven Completed card.*

Bandit Keith: Well, looky what I got here! I think I'll power up my Slot's attack again!

Yugi: You know, this would seem a bit more reasonable if he weren't always pulling it out of his deck. I mean, even I have to have one or two cards already in my hand to make an amazing comeback!

*Scene: Joey looks over his hand.*

Joey: Hmm... The Shield and Sword card. Playing this would swap all monsters' Defense Points with their Attack Points, but that'd only help Keith out!

Pegasus: Ooh, the foreshadowing!

Yami: *rather bored* Lovely, isn't it?

*Scene: Keith plays the Pillager, and Joey plays the Graverobber.*

Téa: Gee, these guys are fond of their little dwarf cards, aren't they?

*Scene: Joey regains his Red-Eyes Black Metal Dragon, which blasts Keith's Slot Machine and wins the duel.*

Pegasus: Remarkable! Keith's rampage for revenge was brought to a halt by a novice dueling for a loved one.

Joey: Hey, I had a whole month of training, I'll let you know!

Yugi: *groans* And I'm admitting to knowing this guy?

*Scene: The less than inevitable. Watch Yugi's expression during this first part, though -- it's adorable!*

Tristan: *jumps up on the railing* Yeah! You lose! Aah!

*Yugi dives over the railing to catch Tristan, while Bakura starts laughing hysterically.*

Bakura: I never thought I'd get to see it happen TWICE!!

*Note: Am I the only one confused as to how Yugi managed to pull Tristan back up all by himself? I'm all for magic, but there kinda is the law of gravity to worry about, and it acts rather fast...*

*Scene: Keith stops Joey's rooster imitation by claiming a mismatch.*

Bandit Keith: The entry card that Joey showed to play in this match wasn't even his! Therefore, the duel shouldn't count and he ought to be disqualified right here!

Joey: *holds his Glory of the King's Hand card up* He's right. My card was missin', so Mai gave me hers. But tell me, Keith, how could you have known that this wasn't my card?

Bandit Keith: What? Mai? I was just talking about Yugi. Everybody saw him give you his!

*Scene: Keith, however, isn't quite that swift.*

Joey: I'm all ears. So, why don't you explain yourself?

Pegasus: He doesn't need to. It's clear that Keith stole Joey's card. That's why he was so certain that you would never be able to find it.

Joey: You snake! I knew it!

Téa: That big cheat!

Tristan: Then Keith ought to be disqualified, not Joey!

Bakura: Excuse me a moment, but since when did we start listening to Pegasus?

Téa: Since he started saying what we wanted to hear, that's when!

Bakura: *sweatdrops* I see.

*Scene: Pegsy's having some fun here.*

Pegasus: Oh, Keith ought to be disqualified alright, but not simply for misdeeds outside of the dueling ring. There was quite a fair bit of improper conduct taking place during the match that I observed, too.

Téa: Am I the only one that's wondering whether we would have learned about this had Joey not won?

*Scene: Same.*

Pegasus: There was quite a fair bit of improper conduct taking place during the match that I observed, too.

Joey: Is that so, Keith?

Pegasus: Oh, yes. Keith kept his set of Seven Completed cards beneath his wristband. That way he could power up his Slot Machine monster whenever he chose!

Bandit Keith: *angrily* Well, you had all those dweeby cheerleaders up there telling you what to do! I had to do something to even the odds, didn't I?!

*Scene: Due to Pegasus's fondness for hiring bodyguards no longer in their physical (or mental) prime, Keith manages to break away and leap off the walkway to Pegasus's platform.*

Bandit Keith: Pegasus! *points dramatically at said person, much to everyone's surprise*

Pegasus: AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! IT'S THE POINTY FINGER OF DOOM!!!! SAAAAVEEE MEEEEEEEE!!!*vaults over the back of his chair and runs screaming down the hall*

Bandit Keith: *startled* When Kaiba told me about Pegasus's fear of pointed fingers, I didn't believe him, but... well... will ya look at that!

Téa: Ohhh! So that's why none of Pegasus's guards carry guns!

Croquet: *rubbing his temples* I've told him that not everybody has that phobia, but does he listen to me? Nooo...

*Scene: If the trap doors are controlled by a button on the floor, then what does the Millennium Eye symbol on the back of Pegasus's chair do?*

Pegasus: You truly are a stubborn one, aren't you?

Bandit Keith: Can it! You ain't talkin' your way out of this one!

Pegasus: What? Talking my way out of it? And here I thought I was just being snide!

*Scene: Same.*

Bandit Keith: You ain't talkin' your way out of this one! Now hand over that prize money or else!

Pegasus: Oh, certainly, Keith. I'll do whatever you say. Just give my body a moment to recover from the complete paralysis that your terrifying demands have shocked me into!

Téa: *not entirely worried* The demands are terrifying? The consequences, maybe, but not the demands...

Yugi: *not taking his eyes off Keith* Guess Kaiba's habit of describing Pegasus with irrelevant adjectives comes from Pegasus himself, then.

*Scene: Introducing Fast Talkin' Pegasus, the new hit action figure.*

Bandit Keith: Okay, wise guy, I'll give you to three.

Pegasus: Mm... Fine. One two three. *steps on a small button which opens up the floor all around him, barely avoiding poor Croquet*

Bandit Keith: Whoa! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! *splash!* Ouch.

Pegasus: *surprised* "Ouch?" Well, that's a new one.

*Scene: With Keith gone, things instantly go back to normal.*

Croquet: Now our finalists for the next match will receive a ten minute recess. So rest up. Our host wants you both in top form for your duel.

Joey: *looks up; thinking* Yugi...

Yugi: *looks down; thinking* Joey...

Joey: I guess we can't put this off any longer, bud.

Yugi: Guess not.

Joey: We've come along way together, haven't we?

Yugi: Yeah, that's for sure. Think we'll be able to do this?

Joey: Of course we will! We have to.

Yugi: Mm.

Téa: *looks around* What, are you guys going to stand there staring at each other all day? You don't have anything to say?

Tristan: *scratches head* Guess not...