Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ Definition ❯ Definition ( Chapter 1 )

Disclaimer: Not mine.

AN: Written because though I heart the stoicshippy, there remains a deplorable lack of good IC Seto/Seth fanfic out there.

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fucked-up (fktp)
adj. Vulgar Slang

      1. Completely messed up or mishandled; botched.
      2. Badly damaged or injured.
      3. Exceedingly drunk or intoxicated.

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Seto Kaiba is fucked up. Everyone and their younger sibling seems to know this, or at least suspect it, so he doesn't really bother to put up a facade of normalcy like certain other fucked up people he could name.

(Mokuba pulls it off. Mokuba's calmed down and cleaned up and whole. Mokuba's safe but carries a knife in his left shoe because Mokuba is nobody's idiot.)

Seto Kaiba dreams of death. This is probably because he's fucked up, or probably because he got fucked up when someone else fucked up tried to un-fuck him up (he doesn't like to think about that, so he simply doesn't, and most of the time, it works) but at any rate, it makes his nights as exciting as his days, and while he'd be bored otherwise, Mokuba doesn't like it when he wakes up screaming.

(Someone else knows, someone else who'll never tell, and the sympathy in his eyes makes his stomach churn in disgust. He doesn't want his pity - and even though it's not pity it's so much easier to pretend it is because the only thing worse than pity is understanding.)

Seto Kaiba killed his father. Sometimes it makes him laugh, sometimes it makes him cry, and sometimes he looks at Mokuba and Mokuba looks at him and he doesn't like knowing that if he hadn't done it, Mokuba would have. He suspects this isn't healthy, and the gods he doesn't believe in only know that he never wanted this from him, but Mokuba is Mokuba and a vicious little bastard in his own right.

(Because though he'd tried and tried and tried to protect him he'd failed, but maybe not all the way because underneath it all was still his baby brother, pure and innocent and sweet and trusting, except that he wasn't any of those things except for him.)

Seto Kaiba is an arrogant prick, but then, he deserves to be. And people know it - wary businessmen, wary classmates, and his not-wary rival who trusts him more than any rival has the right - he makes sure of it. He did this, and maybe he fucked himself up doing it, but he's still here and he'll still be here and he'll die fighting for the right to his name.

(He did it for Mokuba. Mokuba knows it. He loves Mokuba. Mokuba loves him. He doesn't care about anything else.)

Seto Kaiba loves dragons. They're what he wants to be. They're in his soul - he fixed it himself, no one else can claim that, and he's proud, fiercely proud of what he's done - tucked against a memory bittersweet and old.

(He remembers the girl who died for him. He wants to die for Mokuba.)

Seto Kaiba doesn't believe in destiny. He doesn't believe in magic. He only believes in power.

(He grew up living and breathing and believing in his gods.)

Seto Kaiba pretends he doesn't see what he sees in the eyes of those around him.

(He wants to kill Ryou Bakura with his bare hands. He wants to strangle and kiss Yugi Mutou and give him Bakura's head on a pike.)

Seto Kaiba has always been devoted to his family.

(To his gods. Easy when they were one and the same, but who's to say that they aren't now?)

Seto Kaiba does not dream of the desert, or ancient kings, or mystic rites, or watching his only kin die for the sake of their homeland. He refuses to remember.

(Only when he does not dream does he meet his own eyes fearlessly. He laughs at himself - they're both so fucked up that they've done this to each other even though they're the same.)

Seto Kaiba is not a narcissist.

(Because he's not him, and neither is he, and he's been dead for millennia and he is only seventeen years old.)

Seto Kaiba is not insane.

(He refuses to believe he's real. He refuses his disbelief. They refuse each other and themselves.)

Seto Kaiba is not normal.

(There's laughter in his head and it's his own but not, and if he wants a fight he can fight himself, and if he wants an argument he can argue with himself, and if it only happens in the void between sleep and waking then it doesn't really exist after all.)

Seto Kaiba is not in love.

(He hates him. He wants to be him. He wants to kill him. He does not love him, because he does not love himself. He wants to fuck him. He wants him to fuck him. He is obsessed. He doesn't exist.)

Seto Kaiba does not want anyone.

(Because he does not believe, that which he does not believe in does not exist, so what they do together does not exist either. Sticky sheets and hot tears are meaningless when he wakes up alone because the one who swallowed his cries and pinned him there is himself, and he did nothing last night except sleep and dream of dying.)

Seto Kaiba is fucked up.

(But that's okay, because he is too.)

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Email: mjalta@yahoo.com

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