Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ Devotion ❯ Understanding ( Chapter 18 )

Disclaimer: If I owned Yu-gi-oh, Yugi would get to have magic!

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Just for a second, I felt…

I could have sworn…

Break it down. Use the intelligence that lets you win at recess, against Grandpa. You can do things without the spirit helping you.

I felt anguish when Mokuba was brought out, but…disregard that. It could have just been me.

At the beginning of Kaiba's match against Pegasus, there was…dread. The knowledge that something horrible was going to happen. To Kaiba.

And…regret? Connected to Kaiba…but as much as I hope it was, I don't think he was regretting trying to let him die. No…letting him live. Letting this horrible thing that was about to happen happen.

Then, a little later, resignation.

When Kaiba was winning, when he drew the Blue-Eyes, there was fear for him. Why when he was winning? Was he afraid Pegasus was going to do something to him?

When he lost, lost his soul, there was anger. Rage. Compassion?

I should have been paying attention. But I was caught in my own anger and anguish.

Curse you, Pegasus! He was only trying to help his brother, just protect the people he cares about like Joey and me and…

And the spirit?

How could you do this to him, to us? This sick, twisted game…And while I cried inside, I lost my control over my body.

The spirit came out. But…

He didn't hurt anyone, not even Pegasus. He just promised to free them. To Defeat Pegasus.

Defeat. Not kill. If he wouldn't kill Pegasus, maybe he wouldn't kill anyone else? Especailly Joey?

He…he's the other me.

Did he attack Kaiba because he loved Grandpa and wanted to rescue him whatever the cost?

Or does he only care about winning.

For so long I wasn't aware of him at all. He'd speak to me and the voice was so like mine, I just thought it was my own thoughts.

That's why it's so hard to tell what he's feeling. I don't have any practice, and his feelings are so like mine it's hard to tell who they come from.

Is he from the puzzle, is he me, something the puzzle created from me, what?

I need to know. I Need to know. Can I trust him? Can I trust myself?

I want to. Oh, how I want to.

I admire him. He's strong, brave, smart…everything I wanted to be. Kaiba admires him. Kaiba, who I admired before he stole my Grandpa's card.

He didn't have friends, like me, but he didn't need them. He was strong and smart and good at games…

And even then, after Death-T and everything, I still admire him. For being willing to give up his life to save his brother.

How is that different from accepting someone's sacrifice to save my Grandpa?

I would have tried to rescue Mokuba. Made that part of the deal. Wagered my own soul as well as the Puzzle.

Was that the spirit's excuse? Accepting Kaiba's sacrifice, saving Mokuba as he wished to do, and as it turns out, could not do, himself?

I don't know.

Lives and souls are on the line. So much lies on every little decision. Or a not-so-little dicision.

Do I trust him?

I yelled at him for taking over my body. Sent hate as hard as I could. I felt apology.

I mean, he's been taking over my body tons of times to help me out. I've never complained before. He could have thought me stopping trying to block him meant I didn't mind if he came out, took over when I couldn't handle myself.

Like he has so many times before.

Apology.

He still hasn't apologized for Kaiba. He feels…regret and sadness, but he hasn't apologized.

On the other hand, he hasn't had a chance to speak to Kaiba, and why apologize to me? I wasn't hurt.

And…he was angry. On Kaiba's behalf. He was resolved to help Kaiba.

He always helps people. It's the way he is.

I think. I hope. I don't know.

I want to trust him. It hurts, not trusting him. Like I'm hurting a part of myself.

I can't feel much hurt, but I know it's there. He's so controlled. It's like he doesn't want me to feel guilty.

He cares that much?

If he was just born when I solved the puzzle, maybe he didn't know it was wrong? Maybe he just thought it was the logical decision.

I need to talk to him. But how do I know he won't just lie?

Come on, he's kind of a friend. I'd give Joey a second chance, wouldn't I?

But just letting someone die, just shrugging it off…That's a lot more than teasing. That's …evil?

I don't know what he is. I don't know if I can trust him. I just have to have some time to think.

Get through this tournament. Then, if we're all still in one piece, sit down with this spirit and ask who he is.

For now…I can't take the chance he'll hurt someone else.

Even if he is on my side, he's willing to sacrifice lives for me. It's flattering, but I'm not worth it. Nothing is worth it.

I just have to get that through to him.

Right?

He'll understand, right?

He will. He has to.

But…Kaiba failed. Utterly. He never stood a chance. He put everything on the line, put his heart and soul into the game, and failed. Pegasus was laughing at him the whole time.

I need the spirit. He's the only reason I was able to beat Kaiba in the first place. I know that now.

The voice that called out to me when I was afraid…

I can't trust him. But I have to trust him!

Oh god. This is like with Kaiba.

Taking the risk of hurting someone, or giving up all chance of saving the one I care about. Or ones.

And I was considering it. Unleashing the spirit, letting him hurt whoever stands in his way.

It seemed so simple. After all, Kaiba might not have carried through on his threat, right?

Is that what the spirit was counting on? No, he knew Kaiba was going to do it. Admired him for it.

He can spot bluffs. Easily. It's almost scary, how sharp he is. Sharp like a knife.

He hasn't tried to convince me. Is he just standing back and letting me convince myself?

He can analyze his opponents perfectly, just based on chatter across a duel station. How much does he know about me?

Did he know I'd tie myself in knots?

How can I trust him, trust myself, when he could wrap me around his little finger?

He knows people. Inside and out.

How can I know him?

How can I understand him?

I need to know.

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