My Only Escape

Summary: Bakura doesn't beat Ryou anymore. But every time he still can't get rid of his guilt. Then he finds something that can make the guilt go away… permanently. Shounen-ai, main B/R and some other pairings.

Disclaimers: I don't anything except the story and some of the characters so don't sue!

Part 1: My Pain

Journal Entry #1

I can't believe he gave me you. I know it's been a few days after he gave it but I still don't believe. He said I could write all my thoughts down on here. He said that it'd probably help me from whatever's wrong with me. I don't believe there's anything wrong with me except the fact that I wish to kill the pharaoh and anyone who gets in my way. But I could never kill him. You're wondering whom I'm talking about right? Well I'll tell you. I can never kill Ryou, my lighter half. He's always been nice to me since I stopped beating him for no apparent reason. Well the reason I do that because I was frightened. Yes frightened! Can't believe it can you? Can't believe the 'heartless' tomb robber was frightened. Yes I was. I was afraid that I'd be alone; I'd be alone and have nothing in the end. Then I realized…you and it were my only escape. (End Entry)

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It was the beginning of another day. Birds were chirping at the beginning of spring. It was a bright and sunny day and the rays poured through the curtains of a particular window. The said person in the room refused to give in to wake up. He refused the sun's rays calling him.

Said person didn't notice someone enter. He wasn't exactly prepared for the cold water that just splashed on him. He jumped.

"SHIT!"

"That's what you get when you don't wake up early. It's time to go to school Bakura. If you woke up early I wouldn't have to do this," Ryou said holding the pail of water.

Bakura sighed. His lighter half was now more evil than before. Well then he'd just get back at Ryou later. Right now he wasn't feeling well.

"I'm not feeling well. I don't want to go to school to day," Bakura said flopping back down on the wet bed and pulled the blanket over his head. He waited until Ryou went out of the room. When he felt his hikari gone he sat up. He sighed and looked longingly at the door hoping that his hikari would come back and take care of him.

But it didn't happen.

That is what he suspected. Besides he knew he didn't deserve it. Since when did he care for his hikari when he was done beating him?

He felt dizzy. He saw the room spinning and he fought to make it steady also himself but failed to do so. He dropped forward on the floor making a 'thump' echo through the room. He couldn't understand. He was acting weak! He didn't want to be weak. He was strong and not helpless.

Bakura shakily pushed himself up in a sitting position. He leaned against the wall and faced the ceiling. Then he just felt dizzy again. He was too lazy to get up and walk towards the bed and opted to lie down on the floor. He curled himself up in a fetal position and closed his eyes.

Maybe just maybe he could get rid of the pain if he sleeps.

* * *

Bakura opened his eyes again. He looked around and noticed that he was where he was before, on the floor. He stood up and walked out of the room. He went down to the kitchen, footsteps being silent as were the days of the thief. Maybe getting something to eat would make him feel…better.

He heard something and knew immediately that his hikari was in there. He thought again and went back upstairs. He didn't want to see anyone even Ryou right now. He didn't want anyone to see him so weak.

He wished that he were back to himself like before. He was ruthless, harsh, and heartless. He wouldn't give a care about anything. But he would be alone. It didn't matter. He'd been alone all his whole life why should this be any different?

He lied down on the floor again. He wondered where he got a nice, caring hikari. Surely Ryou would've just let him die right when he had the chance. Because that is what he felt right now. He wanted to just be dead.

Flashback~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was another day. Ryou slowly approached his house afraid of what was to come. He knew he never should've agreed to go out with the gang. Bakura always wanted him home at the time he set. Yet he disobeyed. He gulped as he reached the front door.

He felt fear. He didn't want to go in but he must.

He turned the knob of the door and closed it slowly behind him.

Then he was suddenly pulled roughly by the collar of his shirt and thrown to the ground. A kick made it to his stomach.

"You're late," the cold voice of Bakura said.

"I'm sorry!" Ryou cried out afraid of getting hit again.

"Sorry doesn't cut it! I said be here straight after school! You did the complete opposite." Bakura landed another swift kick on Ryou making him cry out in pain. "I think I won't go easy on you this time." Bakura said pulling out a dagger.

Ryou whimpered. He still had the same bruises and cuts from two days ago and he didn't want more. He bit his lip not wanting to say the words that he's always longed to say since his yami started beating him, took away everything, and made him lose himself. He bit his lip harder tasting the blood that leaked out.

"Why don't you just kill me?" Ryou said.

Bakura stopped. He didn't know what to answer to that. He was shocked that his hikari actually had the guts to answer him like that.

Out of anger and hurt he punched the wall creating a hole in it while damaging himself. He shut his eyes tightly not minding the pain. All he could feel were hurt emotions that weren't coming from Ryou but from himself. The emotions override his pain and he couldn't take it.

Without knowing what he was doing, Bakura took the dagger and stabbed himself on the arm. He didn't scream out in pain instead he just bit his lip. Then he stabbed his leg, and then his side. He twisted the dagger on his side hoping to feel more pain. He took out the dagger and threw it to the ground.

He stared at Ryou's shocked face. He gave Ryou a sad smile and then ran. He didn't care where he was going or if he was going to bleed to death. He didn't care. All he knew was that he had to go, to go far away from everything, from Ryou. He couldn't stay in the city any longer.

End Flashback~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After that he ended up fighting some gang and got knocked out from blood loss and carelessness. Then he woke up back at Ryou's place and was bandaged up. He saw Ryou taking care of him at that day. He didn't know why. He didn't deserve the kindness given to him by his hikari. He didn't deserve it from anyone either.

Bakura took down his pride and thanked his hikari and said sorry. His never saw his hikari so happy and at that moment he thought it was worth it to see that smile again. So he became nicer to his hikari but he never went out when Ryou was going to hang with the others. He knew the others wouldn't understand him like Ryou did so he just stayed home.

But during the past week he never talked to Ryou that much. He mostly stayed in his room and only came out if he was hungry. He thought that maybe now that Ryou's free to do what he wants he can have a normal life without him to ruin it. Seems like Ryou's taking advantage of that opportunity. Not that he blamed Ryou at all. He did deserve it, unlike him who didn't deserve anything including this second chance of life.

Ryou bought him something. He called it a diary or a journal for him to write his thoughts and whatever on it. He appreciated it very much. Then now a few days later he writes what he's been feeling. And the only thing that he's written down was his pain in his blood. When it faded he realized that they were…

His only escape…

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Kinshin: I already started on the second chapter and I'm so brain dead right now.

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