My Only Escape

Part 2: I… Missed

Journal Entry #4

Hello again. It's only been four days and I'm still here. I wonder why I miss. I miss and miss. Is it because I'm afraid to let go? I'm afraid to give up my second chance in life? Yes I am. Yet the 'heartless' tomb robber is afraid of something else. I wonder if Yami would actually say yes if I asked him to finish the job. I mean he has the motive to actually do it. He probably wouldn't hesitate and just do it anyway. You know I never had the time but anyways; I'd like to thank you. You listen to me and put up with my petty problems that I have. I wish to have no more problems. Maybe I should just call Yami up and start a fight and make him banish me in the depths of the shadow realm like he did with Marik… Though I instead would never come back. (End Entry)

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Bakura sat up the afternoon. It was a Saturday and there was nothing to do since he didn't go out with the others no matter how hard Ryou tried to get him to come out. Ryou told him he looks paler than normal and was concerned that he wasn't getting enough sunlight. Bakura chuckled at that and assured Ryou that it was his natural complexion.

He was lucky Ryou bought it. Though he wasn't sure that he could come up with more excuses. He was a former thief. And being a thief, you had to know how to lie really well and right now he's faltering in his lying skills. He wondered how long could he keep it up lying to Ryou's face.

He sighed and lied back down. Despite the fact that he was hungry he ignored it. He never usually ate nowadays. He felt sick but he didn't care he could take it because he's not weak. He did this for the past few days going without food, starving himself. He was punishing himself like what he did to his hikari. He made him starve for a week and so he's just paying it back, even if it was when he was different before.

Even if his hikari had forgiven him for everything he still couldn't live with it. Every time he saw his hikari he would always think of what he used to do and be angry, not at Ryou but at himself. He would hurt himself repeatedly until he was tired and couldn't do anything anymore. He only did it out of Ryou's eyesight of course.

If Ryou found him like that he wouldn't understand. Even if they are almost like one entity Ryou wouldn't know what he was going through what he needed to do. He couldn't live with the guilt inside of him and it always took over him making him lose himself. But he did like loosing himself. He was away from reality living what he wished he were living but it was nothing.

Dammit, he's being weak right now. He stood up and changed. He wanted to let out some steam. He opened the window and jumped. It was only the second story so it's not like he's going to die. He began walking down the street. He was hoping he would run into this gang that tried to beat him up last time. Though they never could no matter how hard they tried. It was cold. But he didn't mind it. He felt eyes watching him as he passed a familiar alley. Well looks like he didn't have to wait. He turned to them.

"Is there something you gentlemen need? I really don't have time for trash like you," Bakura said grinning. He knew how to provoke them into attacking.

"You little cocky son of a bitch!" Bakura figured the leader said and charged at him.

Bakura just sidestepped and elbowed him from behind, knocking the leader unconscious. Soon the others joined in. He knocked out each one, one by one. He liked it, the rush of adrenaline coursing though his body. It was such a soothing feeling. He continued punching, kicking, dodging. He knew that he was going to come out on top no matter how weak his body was. It didn't matter.

He missed.

A punch landed on his face with the last guy. He cursed. He quickly moved out of the way before the guy could land a kick to his face and stood up and tackled the guy. He then punched his unfortunate victim. When the guy was already out he stood up and looked at his handy work. He smirked. It wasn't something he didn't expect. He then left the alley.

He ran his tongue across his bottom lip and tasted something coppery. Then he remembered that he got punched for being careless. He wiped the blood off on his sleeve. That wasn't enough for him. He needed to feel more. He needed to get away from reality for a little while longer.

Bakura decided to go home.

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Journal Entry #12

Hello again. I guess you must be tired of me saying that all the time huh? Well I don't care. It's not like there's a difference, people get tired of me too. So why should you be any different. I still don't get how my hikari actually invited me to go out to the park with him and everyone else. He said that it would only be us two then I see the gang there. I was tricked. How could I fall for such a thing? I'll remember next time that he asks me then I will always reply no. Can you remind me if I forget? I can't believe how friendly the others sounded. I didn't like it. They kept pestering me with stupid questions. If Ryou thought it would be a way to get me to tell him what's wrong then he's got another thing coming. I can see what they're trying to do. I've done this so many times to get people to talk how can I not notice? Though I almost slipped because I thought telling them the truth would get them off my backs. But then I came to my senses. Well goodbye. I don't want to burden you too with my petty problems that I can't handle. (End Entry)

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Bakura sighed as he began cutting the vegetables absentmindedly. He really didn't like Home Ec. Class because it was such a bore. And he really didn't want to learn how to cook. As he chopped the vegetables he was eyeing the knife. Apparently a knife was very tempting right now. He felt eyes on him that was from Ryou. He looked up and stared Ryou straight in the eyes emotionlessly. He saw concern flash through his other's eyes as he looked.

// Is there something wrong? // Bakura asked through their mind link.

/ I'm worried about you. / Ryou answered.

// What's there to worry about? //

/ Bakura I'm being serious! You never get out of the room unless you have to and you don't look healthy. /

// I'm fine Ryou. There's nothing to be worried about. You're just exaggerating. //

/ But- /

Bakura then closed off the communication before his hikari could finish and looked away back to what he was doing. He glanced back briefly to see that Ryou went back to his work. He stared at his flawless arm and wondered what would happen if… 'A screw it,' he thought. He placed the kitchen knife over his arm and cut. He dropped the knife as a searing pain flashed through for a brief moment.

"Agh," he grunted and clutched his bleeding arm. He kneeled down on the floor.

"Teacher, teacher…" he heard a student called out.

"Ryou, take him to the nurses," the teacher said wrapping a towel around the cut while helping Bakura stand up. Ryou saw him smile and was in shock for a moment before regaining his senses.

"Hai," he said and supported Bakura until they were out of the class to the nurse's office.

As they were walking it was a tense silence. Ryou felt uneasy he didn't know why. Bakura then stopped walking and stood up straight. Ryou paused and looked at Bakura in confusion.

"Ryou, go back to class. I can go to the nurse's by myself," Bakura said.

"But-" Ryou began to protest.

"I said just go. I don't need your help," Bakura said harshly. He avoided his hikari's gaze and didn't see the hurt look cross through. Ryou just sighed.

"Alright." He said walking back to the class. He glanced back at Bakura's retreating form and sighed. He continued.

Bakura decided to skip rest of his classes. He threw the towel in a nearby trashcan and examined the cut. The blood already dried. Nothing happened. It was only for a little while but it was refreshing. But of course he could've thought of this sooner but then his hikari would suspect something. He sighed and dropped his arm to the side. He wondered how long could he last before he actually lost it and went through with it.

He walked out of school grounds and down the street. He wondered why he went to school in the first place. Ryou asked him to and he couldn't refuse. He sighed and just followed it back home. He didn't need to be anywhere else. He needed to forget.

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