Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ Ways to Drive an Esper Psycho ❯ The Kaiba House ( Chapter 7 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

AUTHOR'S NOTES: Well, I guess the dramatis personae could use a few updates... I didn't mention Tristan or Jane. Not to mention Angela doesn't look like she'll show up anytime soon. Probably because I wasn't sure I'd use Tristan, and I didn't really consider Jane a personae when I started out. Oh, and by the way, Jane's name comes from the Ender's Game series by Orson Scott Card.

ALEX WARLORN SPECIAL: ... *takes a deep breath* I NEVER said Dark Magician Girl was with Arkana. In case you misunderstood, I said she was the sister of Arkana's Dark Magicians. And please don't run to me with words you don't know. Try a dictionary first.
Hikari and Tani gave Pegasus knuckle sandwiches. That should be in the dictionary- at least a slang dictionary.
*sighs*... Black Jade, that's the LAST time you use a noun as a verb! I don't care about the stupid accent!
No, those weren't an illusion, in Chapter Four he borrowed some of Rex's clothes, remember?
And just in case you don't get the first section of this chapter... rewatch the first part of Esper vs. Joey, when Joey walked in on the tail end of Esper vs. Rex, and listen very closely to something BESIDES Esper yapping...

WARNING: More angst in this chapter, not to mention insect death. Not to mention bad chess references, an un-totally-evil Yami Bakura, medium-rare hamburger commercials, a very annoying Copycat, and a bunch of other stuff I either forgot or don't feel like mentioning.

"Danny, I didn't know you snored!"
Danny folded his arms. "I do NOT snore!"
"Well, Tommy's too little and I know I wasn't!"
"I said I don't snore!"
"And I say you do so!"
"And I say he didn't."
The twins turned and gaped at Dar, who had just appeared from the bathroom. "That's the last time," he continued, "I sleep uncoiled."
It took a while for the meaning of his words to penetrate, and then they were laughing hysterically.
"Morning, Dar," said Tommy as he ran into the bathroom and shut the door. "What took you so long?"
"Oh," he said, "I was squashing some bugs. That's all. Really."

"Good morning, Chihiro."
Chihiro nodded. "Same to you, Jane. Please begin new search. Restrict search: Battle City database, duelists' rarest cards."
"Hey, only Mokuba has to say please, you know."
"I like to say please, is all," said Chihiro. "Query: Dark Magician. Please."
"Ah, Dark Magician. Looking for a punching bag?" Chihiro regarded Jane with a frosty stare until, "I get the picture. No more jokes. Now displaying all duelists with Dark Magician at stake."
Chihiro lifted an eyebrow. "There's only one displayed."
"That's the only one. Duelist name is Yugi Motou. List credentials?"
A shake of the head. "No, that's not the right one. The color's wrong. Are you sure this is the only one?"
"Yes." Pause. "Unless you wish me to search the Eliminated Duelists database."
"Yes, do that."
"Displaying all eliminated duelists who used to have a Dark Magician."
Chihiro leaned close to the monitor, which once again had precisely one result. "Yes, that's it!"
"Duelist name is Derek Arkana. List credentials?"
"No. Search for Derek Arkana's Battle City duels."
An incredulous whistle came from the speakers. "One battle. His first and last one. Opponent was Yugi Motou. There's a definite aberration here."
Chihiro forced herself to stop leaning forward and straighten up. "Describe the nature of the aberration."
"The majority of the battle was blocked from all but the most sophisticated technology."
"Display data from the most sophisticated technology. Move-by-move summary, please."
"I'm one step ahead of you this time. Did you know this one had two Dark Magicians?"
"Oh really."
"I kid you not. He did. I suspect he was hoping to gain Yugi Motou's Dark Magician, making it three. Then he would challenge Kaiba for the Blue Eyes White Dragons."
Chihiro formed a half-smile. "Well, then, he wouldn't have gotten us even if he won."
"What- oh, yes, the God Card. I see. Yugi Motou's Dark Magician Girl made the final move. Would you like me to run a simulation of the duel?"
"No thank you. Begin new search. Query: Derek Arkana."
"Will do."
Chihiro looked over the results- quite a few articles in the entertainment sections of virtual newspapers had popped up. She skimmed a few of those; they all said basically the same thing. "Open the hospital records."
"These records are not for members of the public."
"Well then," said Chihiro, "I suppose I'm a member of the private. Open the hospital records."
"The security is quite heavy-"
"Are you saying you're not up to the challenge?"
Chihiro's question had the desired result. "Hospital records, coming right up."

"Yugi Motou."
The Puzzle glowed. "Seto Kaiba," said Yami. "What brings you here?"
"Besides my educational obligations?" His tone was mocking; he, he seemed to be saying between the lines, had no obligations whatsoever and was only playing along for convenience's sake. "I discovered a glitch in my Duel Disk. However, it has been handled roughly lately. I would like to examine yours to see if it shares the glitch."
Yami's eyebrow lifted. Kaiba would never be rough with his technology, and he would never, ever openly admit to anyone that there was even the smallest glitch. It was the most blatant pretense he had ever seen. "And what would this glitch be?"
Kaiba smiled in acknowledgment that Yami was on to him. "It causes all level seven spellcasters of the Dark attribute to be automatically destroyed upon being summoned."
"Well, that is definitely not a problem with my own." Yami turned away as if he had someplace important to go. Kaiba grabbed his arm.
"No. Listen to me." His voice dropped. "Ever since Sunday I have had Lord of Dragons and all three Blue Eyes residing in my house. On Monday, an off-color Dark Magician materialized in the dining room. He claimed he intended to visit his cousin."
"Would this cousin's name be Gabriel?"
"Yes, that's right. Now, explain the cause of all this!"
"You haven't visited the museum yet?"
"I visited the museum all right! And all I got was another lecture on destiny! Then she went off to talk to some kid with white hair and said to come back later!"
"That would be Bakura. And you came back later?"
"Yes. She wasn't there."
It was Yami's turn to smile. "Are you sure you came back later before the museum closed?"
"Very funny, Yugi." The smile had gone. "I know you know something, and I am going to find out what."
"Well… I know what I know. Maybe you could pay a visit to Pegasus and ask to borrow the Millennium Eye, if you want to know what I know I know."
"That was so funny I forgot to laugh."
Right then the bell began to ring ("But that's NOT a bell!" Yami had protested. "It's a buzzer! Why does 'modern' mean 'makes no sense'?") and the conversation was cut short.

"Hey, Jade!"
Jade looked up. "Yeah? You're goin' to torture Pegasus again?"
Hikari shook her head. "The security's too high now. I was just going to have a meeting with my business partner, and I wondered if there was anything special you wanted."
"Yeah- could ya get him to find out Joey's favorites?"
"Favorite what?"
Jade traced vague patterns in the air with one hand. "Favorite food, favorite ice cream, stuff like that."

"Little sister," said Haku, "Don't you have that stupid puzzle to work on?" Chihiro turned from Jane to regard him with a frigid stare. "Okay, okay, I get it, backing off, shutting up."
Something hit his back as he left the room. He didn't bother to turn around and see what it was; the impulse never struck him to throw it back at her. She was, after all, the older twin.
It was going to be one of those days.
They had been given guest bedrooms at a far corner of the mansion; their Master had apparently not seen fit to pay for their upkeep for quite a while, considering he had few to no guests. There had been a prodigious amount of dust when Mokuba Kaiba flung open the doors, and whenever Haku looked at the room designated as his, he saw it with that dust all over.
Of course their Master had called someone to clean them, and now it was immaculate, but the image remained.
Haku sat on the bed for a while before coming to the conclusion that there was absolutely nothing interesting to be done and heading out the door.
On impulse, he looked into Sapphire's room.
Sapphire was sleeping, still in human form (his natural form wouldn't have fit on the bed- he might be a child emotionally, his human form might look like a child, but as far as dragons went he had already had his growth spurt). For a moment, it was peaceful sleep as well, but as Haku took a step closer, he grabbed the blankets, pulled them over his head, and screamed. "GET AWAY FROM ME! NO, I'M NOT ANYTHING LIKE YOU! I AM NOT A TOON! GET AWAY!"
Haku took a few more steps, then took the same amount backward. He kept on going backward until he had left the room.
The first night out of the Shadow Realm, Sapphire had been in the room adjacent to Mokuba's; Mokuba's room was adjacent to that of his older brother. Apparently, Mokuba had a lot of questions to ask him, and Sapphire had been obliging. He needed another friend.
Haku hadn't discovered Sapphire had been screaming in his sleep until the morning, when he had gone downstairs with Chihiro to see an extremely frazzled Seto Kaiba and an even more frazzled Ryuunosuke. Last night, Sapphire had been moved to his current room. There had been no words about it; it just was, and they acknowledged it.
Haku leaned against the wall and stared at the one opposite for no reason he could think of except that the wall opposite was plain white, no distractions from his self-berating.
He could have done it if he had tried, he was sure. There had to have been some way to stop what had happened. He had heard rumors of others doing it through sheer force of will. Gabriel, for instance, had done it for his Master to draw the final piece of Exodia when their Masters battled. Geoffrey Giltia had done the same for his own Master to draw the card to effect Alexander Sang's transformation (The last was not a rumor. Alexander had been blaring the news everywhere, especially to Sapphire, as it was before the tension between their Masters, and if there was one thing Alexander Sang could never be, that was a liar).
Gabriel- now that was completely unconfirmed. Besides, Gabriel was a spellcaster, not to mention the Pharaoh's Servant; perhaps he had special abilities. But Geoffrey's case was confirmed twenty-odd times over, and Geoffrey was a complete amateur at magic. He hadn't been anything particularly special Before, either.
If Geoffrey could have made his Master draw Time Wizard (the next duel, Haku heard, Geoffrey had made his Master draw both Alexander and the Time Wizard, but it hadn't worked out too well), Haku should have been able to make his Master draw a stupid De-Spell. A magic card was a magic card was a magic card. Even if it was a magic card that had the ability to completely warp logic.
He could have done it, he was sure. He was sure. But he hadn't done it.
He hadn't even been summoned! He had made no contribution whatsoever!
He was sure that if only he could have done it Sapphire wouldn't be screaming at night.
Haku moved away from the wall, then turned his head again. This time he was looking into Chihiro's room.
It was just as austere as Haku's and Sapphire's. Just about the only difference was the half-formed puzzle, spread out across a shiny wood table. It was all pure white, except for something red in one corner.
Chihiro had spoken of puzzles once. Life was a puzzle, she had said, and to be truly happy you had to put all the pieces together. She was crazy about puzzles, about logic. Haku was, too, but not to the fanatical extent that Chihiro was. Before, he remembered, she had spent long hours toying with imitations of The Puzzle around the neck of the Pharaoh. They had learned to play chess from Michael and Geoffrey, and Haku was fairly good at it (he even managed to beat Jane in one out of two tries on maximum level) but Chihiro could beat both Michael and Geoffrey in a thousand out of a thousand games.
Haku remembered once that Michael, who had only been playfully exasperated then (it was a long time before the duel in which he had developed a near-permanent grudge against Haku for happening to be the one to blast him), had asked how she could do it. She had smiled and said, "I like to put pieces in their places."
In this case she had spoken to Gabriel about it (it was before things got ugly) and Haku had overheard and asked her later, "What does the puzzle look like when it's put together?"
"I don't know," she had said. "I think it's different for everyone."
Haku had cogitated on this for a time, but recently it had been shoved into his subconscious. Which meant, of course, that it turned up in his dreams.
Last night's dream, for example. He had dreamed he was putting together a puzzle in the middle of a fiery ring. Beyond the ring was a moving darkness, from which came maniacal laughter. And the ring was shrinking.
He hadn't been sure what the puzzle would look like, but he kept on jamming random pieces together, one after another, and sometimes they fit. He had kept on doing it, and doing it, and doing it, as the ring grew so close and so hot that he felt like he was slowly dehydrating.
And then (in his dream) he had put in the last piece, and stood up, and immediately fallen down again.
The puzzle's picture had been of his Master. And standing beside him was Obelisk the Tormentor.
Haku had awakened with the blanket jammed in his mouth, probably the only reason he didn't scream like Sapphire.
He backed away from Chihiro's room and went on to go and play several games of chess with himself. White always won.

BOOM!
The various people in the Wheeler house (none of them actual Wheelers) finally verified that there had been no casualties, just some singing of clothes.
"Geoffrey," said Sandy, "I do believe you should refrain from casting spells on vinegar and baking soda."
Geoffrey colored, a regular reaction for most people rebuked by a precocious dragon. Unlike Michael, he was smart enough to not sputter incoherently while putting together a response. "How was I supposed to know it would do that?"
"I think you oughta run that kinda stuff by Gabe before ya actually do it."
Geoffrey, Sandy, and Brendan turned almost as one. Red eyes flashed and a hand reached up to brush back dark spiky hair.
"Very funny, Ken," said Geoffrey. "Now stop it before I lock you in the same room with a Blue Eyes White Dragon."
Ken grinned and immediately held a mirror before his face; the glare from it was tremendous. When it went away he had approximated the features of Haku Snow; the only variation was the grin. If the true Blue Eyes White Dragon ever smiled that wide, Geoffrey reflected, his face would probably crack.
"I forgot to laugh," said Sandy. "Ha. Ha. Ha. There. Now get out before I figure out how to get out Time Wizard without Joey wishing it."
Ken's grin widened. "Sorry. Would this be better?" Another flash of the mirror and he was to all appearances the human form of Dar DelaSangre- except something wasn't right.
"Copycat Ken," yelled Geoffrey, regaining the color in his face, which had just begun to fade, "Dar is not that kind of a person! And we're not in that way! If you're going to impersonate him, at least do it right!"
"I don't believe," said Sandy, "Geoffrey appreciated that. Next time maybe you ought to make sure you didn't accidentally mix up Serpent Night Dragon with Harpy Lady." Thirty seconds later- "And I doubt Jinzo is the best choice to mix him up with, either."
Ken went to his natural state and stalked off, muttering, "You have no sense of humor, you know that?"

"Good morning, Master."
No response but breathing.
"All right then, Master," Cassiel muttered, putting down the new meal and picking up the dinner leftovers. He headed for the door. "Whatever you say, Master. Whatever you say."
Aaron greeted him with, "You dreamed about That."
Cassiel didn't reply, knowing Aaron would continue regardless. And he did.
"Any idiot could have figured it out." Aaron began to count off on his fingers. "Proof one: You were screaming like to make zombies cringe. Nothing short of Raigeki could make you scream that loud. Proof two: You actually left a little bit. I pushed you back in." Aaron sat down and took several bites from the food on his plate before continuing. "Proof three: You were screaming to Him."
Cassiel started on his own plate. He took small bites out of an already-small piece of potato, somehow hoping that Aaron would leave it like that. But if Aaron really did leave it at that, Cassiel would believe him delirious.
"You either don't remember or you're pretending not to. But I remember. You were begging him not to do it. You were saying don't do it, please don't do it, anything but this. But," Aaron concluded, looking back at the bedroom, "I guess he did it anyway. Didn't he?" It wasn't a question.
Cassiel nodded, then attempted to concentrate on the food.
"I thought you'd like to know the last scream really woke Him up."
The fork dropped. Cassiel put his hand against his forehead and leaned his elbow on the table. "What did you do to Master this time?"
"I just put him to sleep. But I used the Duplicating Sleep spell…" Aaron laughed, though it didn't have quite as much heart as the one he had produced when telling Cassiel what he had done with his staff. "I imagine he had quite interesting dreams after that. Don't you think so?" No words from Cassiel. "Oh, forget it. Just forget it."

Hikari located Bakenrenef easily. He was the only person in the restaurant who had white hair and wasn't a senior citizen, not to mention one of the few alone at their table.
Hikari walked up, not bothering with introductions, and sat down. Job, after a dubious glance at the Ring, followed her lead.
"What happens to the black king?" said Bakenrenef.
They had worked it out during their conversation outside the Game Shop, swapping the two parts on paper so that there was no chance Yami would overhear. She grinned. "The white pawn takes the black king. Checkmate."
A nod. Right then the waiter arrived. "I took the liberty of ordering," said Bakenrenef as the plates and glasses were set down. He death-glared the waiter, who hastily left. "Do medium rare hamburgers sound agreeable to the two of you?"
Job laughed. "Are you joking? The most important things in life are matching hearts and medium rare hamburgers!"
"I could dispute the bit about the hearts, but yes, I do believe medium rare hamburgers are among the best things present-day mortals have come up with." Bakenrenef emphasized this by taking a large bite from his. "Besides firearms and computer theft, of course. But this is so much more accessible. "
"You've got that right." Job took an even larger bite from his own. "Oh, you've got that right."
"The top four important things in life," said Hikari, "are medium rare hamburgers, control, bug spray- and of course matching hearts. Not necessarily in that order."
"Bug spray?" Bakenrenef shook his head. "I'm not even going to ask. What do you have to give?"
Hikari grinned, produced an envelope from a pants pocket, and threw it on the table. "You should have seen the look on Michael's face when he was handing it over. I'd bet my tail he only did it because he already asked the Pharaoh and the Pharaoh said-"
"-No," he finished the sentence. "How did you get out of there, anyway? I could have sworn the Pharaoh shut you in the Shadow Realm."
"You don't have to sound so disappointed." Hikari finally joined her companions in burger biting. She chewed and swallowed before continuing. "Yugi wished me out again when he wasn't looking."
"Present-day humans seem to love double crosses, don't they?" He took a sip from his glass. "First mine, and now yours… what did you hear of that battle?"
"Brendan had strange vibes. Then Morgan and Gabriel had them, too. But we didn't see anything. Elaine had to tell us."
"All right then." Bakenrenef raised an eyebrow and scrutinized the tape liberally wound around the envelope. "I take it he doesn't trust you."
"Of course he doesn't. According to him all dragons are damned to hell within a second of their birth. Possibly before."
"How in the name of Ra is she supposed to get it open?"
"Ever wonder what those 'letter openers' are for besides convenient murder weapons? Ever consider the possibility that some present-day humans might actually use them for opening letters?"
"Ah. But he never considered you might use one?"
She shrugged. "Michael's an idiot that way."
"Dar!" Job yelled. "Hey, Dar!"

Dar turned and headed over at the sound of Job's voice. Job motioned him to a vacant seat; he complied. "Someone's been looking for you."
Job groaned. "I know. And did you happen to tell them?"
"I didn't know where you were."
"And that was the only reason you didn't tell them?" Silence. "Your numbers may be higher, but you are an absolute pushover for girls with wings, you know that?"
"Well, now I know that."
"My cousin the aspiring wit." Job shook his head. "My cousin the aspiring wit and his friend the aspiring Dark Magician. I think Giltia's got a hell of a lot better chance." He indicated the three-quarters-devoured hamburger. "I'm feeling generous. Have some?"
"No thanks."
"What, are my tastes not high enough for you?" Job mimicked a sophisticated tone; it probably would have done Ken proud. "I think you have been hanging around the sisters too much while attempting romantic overtures and some of their habits have rubbed off. Hey," he said, getting back to his normal voice, "Just kidding. I get it. I probably wouldn't eat your leftovers, either."

Mai looked up to take note of the newest customer, and blinked.
Her hair was a pale blond like Bakura's, and if Mai didn't know better (as in Bakura's case) she would swear it was pure white. Only senior citizens, after all, had really white hair. And this one couldn't be older than Mai herself. She put her age at around the same as that guy on Sunday night; they had the same odd feeling around them (she could label it now if not name it), like they didn't quite belong, like they had accidentally fallen out of a past or future into the present time.
She wandered around the store for a while. Just as Mai was about to ask her whether she wanted to buy anything, she turned in the direction of the register. "Excuse me."
"Yes?"
"Can you give me directions to Clarion Street?" She produced some papers that were probably computer printouts from one of those sites that gave directions.
Mai looked them over; they appeared to be to her own apartment building. Then again, there were lots of people living there. "Well, these are directions by car. Tell you what, I'll give you directions if you'll tell me who you're visiting." It was a dumb ploy, but it worked. Kind of.
She regarded Mai with a frigid stare that would rival Kaiba's best (her eyes looked a bit like his as well) and replied, "If you must know, I believe he goes by Cassiel. If you don't ask me another question and just give me the damned directions, you will benefit from it. I promise this."
"Okay…"
Mai gave her the directions. She flipped a business card and a hundred-dollar bill onto the counter and walked out the door.
Mai scrutinized the business card and wondered what Kaiba was up to now.

"So you're the one they talked about. Ryuunosuke, is it?"
Ryuunosuke jumped nearly a foot upward and dropped the Flute of Summoning Dragon (why they called it a flute when it was actually more of a horn he had no idea). Then he turned to gape at the computer.
"What, you've never heard of me? Seto didn't tell you?" It sounded quite insulted, like Haku sounded whenever he was compared to Black Jade.
Ryuunosuke shook his head and the tone softened. "Well, I am currently the most advanced Artificial Intelligence program on Spaceship Earth. I can answer most questions not involving theology or such. I possess the most efficient help and search programs Kaiba Corporation has turned out to date. My security is high but not overly intrusive. My sound analysis technology can currently distinguish between six different voices, not to mention their various moods. It has the capacity for several hundred. Not to mention I can play an extremely challenging chess game.
"My official name is Kaiba Corporation Artificial Intelligence Module Alpha-Jane-0001. You can call me Jane."
Ryuunosuke managed to squeak out, "Yes… Jane."
"Creating new user record. Please state the name you would like me to call you by twice, in your most normal voice, if you please."
He had to wait for what seemed like forever before he became fairly sure he wouldn't squeak again. "Ryuunosuke. Ryuunosuke."
"Please state the primary password you would like to use."
"Tiamat."
"Please state your primary password again."
"Tiamat."
"Please state your secondary password twice. This will allow access into your more private files. It's okay if you whisper this one."
Ryuunosuke took her up on her offer, leaning close to where he guessed his voice entered. If anyone had been standing right next to him, they wouldn't have heard. Only Jane could have. "Chihiro Snow. Chihiro Snow."