Author's Notes: Ok, here I am again with another song fic I can't stay away from them. And I have no life. You want proof? Ok I can give you proof. It is 11 in the morning and I havent been to sleep at all yet and here I am writing a story. See no life. I have no need to sleep at all. I am completely dedicated to my writing. And so on and so on.

Disclaimer: I do not own Hiei Jaganshi. I do not own Nikkiara…she is a character based off of my best friend Nikki. I do not own Martina McBride's song, How Far. Once more, the only thing I own is myself and that's only a little bit. My mother and grandmother own most of me….long story don't ask.

Dedication: Nikki, this story is for you. I think you are the only person I would forgo sleep for to write a story about them. This is a surprise for you so I hope you enjoy it. Thanks for being my friend and being there when I need a friend.

Summary: Nikkiara Celestian is tired of hiding. Tired of secrets. She wants to let the world know who she loves, only that will never happen because her one and only love is determined to keep their relationship a secret. Finally she offers him a choice, let their friends know about them, or she walks away. How does he react? What choice will he make? Does happily ever after really exist?

How Far?

Kalina Blue Stars

~There's a boat, I could sail away, there's the sky, I could catch a plane, there's a train, there's the tracks, I could leave and I could choose to not come back, oh, never come back~

Black hair, streaked with red, blue and silver, whirled around the face of a tall young looking woman. However looks were decieving, as she was actually well into her 400th year on this earth. A vampire, one who was soon reaching the age of a Master, glared through dark purple eyes at the being in front of her, supremely pissed off.

She was tired of these games. Tired of having to look over her shoulder everytime they were together. Tired of never being able to show her real feelings. And tired of lying to their friends everytime they wished to be together alone.

Nikkiara Celestian was ready to share her love with the world. Ready to share the one thing that made her undead heart beat. But she kept being pulled back. For no reason, other than he didn't want people to know how he felt. Other than the fact he was running scared.

Her words were harsh and clipped as she jabbed a finger in his chest, "I'm sick of it Hiei-chan. I want it to end. No more secrets, no more lies, no more hiding in the shadows just to be together."

The man in question stared back at her through unmoving red eyes. His hair was waved back, black with unnatural white highlights. Not very tall, he reached to her chin, and clothed completely in black with a white bandana over his forhead, covering his Jagan. He wasn't that surprised by her words, he had heard them many times before.

It wasn't the words that surprised him as much as it was the tone she used when she said them. For the first time since they got together, he believed every word she said. But he made no move to stop her, to silence her.

"I don't want to keep our relationship a secret, as though it was something to be ashamed of. I want a normal, or as normal as we can get, relationship. Hiei-chan, I love you and I will probably always love you. But I don't think you love me."

Those were the words that had his eyes widening and had him taking a step towards her. And to his forward step, she took one back, staying out of his reach. She didn't want to touch, knowing it would just take the touch of his hand to make her forget and to get lost in his touch, his kisses, his body.

"Nikki-chan, you can't possibly believe that…can you?" he asked, making sure to keep his voice low as to not betray the emotion which gathered in the form of a lump in his throat.

She tilted her head, causing her hair to cascade down her back and over the black and red leather corset top she wore to go with the leather pants and heeled boots. Did the vampiress believe he didn't love her? Yes, she did, a small part at least. If he loved her, then they wouldn't be hiding their relationship. Looking at him, her eyes carefully blank, she nodded, "Yes."

~ There you are, giving up the fight, here I am begging you to try, talk to me, let me in

But you just put your wall back up again, Oh, when's it gonna end~

Yes. He blinked once, not sure if he had heard her right. How could she, this beautiful creature of dark, think that he did not love her. Oh how he loved her with everything he was. With every fiber of his being he loved her, even if he didn't show it. But that was just who he was, how he was. He couldn't show emotion, as she did, that wasn't how he was raised.

And yet, that's what she believed, that he did not love her. It was like his world came crashing down around him as he stood, locked in a staring contest with the strong willed vampire mistress. His mouth opened and he tried to form the words to tell her how he felt, but his vocal cords betrayed him. No sound came out as Nikkiara watched on silently. Finally, he broke the staring contest, looking away.

And it was when he did that, did Nikki look down, knowing what she must do. But she would try one last time, try and make him see.

"Lets just do it Hiei-chan, lets go out now, find the others, and tell them. How long do you think we could keep this a secret. I bet most of them know already, as we havent been that discreet. All we have to do is say the words." She said softly, her purple eyes boring a hole in his head, or so it seemed like. That was how intense her gaze was. And she waited for a answer, "Please."

That nearly did it for him. He almost gave in right then and there, willing to let her have whatever she wanted. But just as he was about to say, ok, he remembered why he insisted on keeping their relationship a secret in the first place. And it reformed his stand. And he said nothing.

Nikkiara lowered her head, feeling defeated for the first time in the many months she traveled with the group. Taking one deep, unneeded breath, she looked at him, "Then you must choose. I'm walking away….now. And I wont come back until you decide whats more important. Your stubborn pride or the one person who loves you for who you are from here to eternity. You'll know where to find me."

And as the demon watched on, the woman turned and walked out of the room, without once looking back. And he felt his heart shatter but he could not, at that moment, say the words that would stop her.

~ How far do I have to go to make you understand, I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't, keep on giving, go on living with the way things are, so I'm gonna walk away, and it's up to you to say how far~

Nikkiara's eyes filled with tears as she pushed her way past the group that gathered in the living room of her home. It took every ounce of her willpower to not break down right then and there as her cousin, Tsukino Usagi, wrapped a arm around her shoulder and led her to her bedroom in the apartment. Usagi, of course, knew everything that was going on. There wasn't much that Nikki could hide from her princess and Hiei learned to deal with Usagi knowing, but only because he respected the Moon Princess.

Usagi quietly shut the door and didn't say a word. Instead, she wrapped her arms around her cousin and body guard and hugged her. And Nikkiara lost it then, loosing the battle and tears cascaded down her face. Usagi just rubbed her back and murmured soothing words, willing Nikkiara to calm down. She said a swift prayed, "Please Selene, give me the wisdom to help my friend with her pain."

Usagi pulled away from the black haired senshi and wiped away the tears in a no nonsense manner. Briskly, she handed Nikkiara a tissue and asked, "You gave him the choice didn't you?"

Nikkiara nodded, still looking down, "It didn't go so well."

Usagi laughed softly, "Of course it didn't go so well. If it did, you and Hiei would be telling the others. You wouldn't be sitting here crying, something I didn't know you knew how to do."

Nikkiara's laugh was watery and she shredded the tissue in her lap, "How true. But I more or less said that I thought he didn't love me and he didn't say anything to contridict it. And…and, he didn't stop me from leaving."

Usagi's heart went out to her immortal cousin, "Oh sweetheart…I know that he loves you. He's just being Hiei, the deadliest demon that we all know and love."

"How hard is it to tell someone that you love them and you want to let other people know that?" she asked, wiping away rogue tears.

Usagi looked at her and arched a eyebrow, "You know the answer to that as well as I do. Hiei isnt like everyone and you know it. He has problems expressing his feelings. But he does see you, and he will see the light. I know it. You have nothing to worry about." And she wrapped her up in another hug as sobs wracked Nikkiara's body again.

~ There's a chance I could change my mind, but I won't, not till you decide, what you want, what you need, do you even care if I stay or leave, oh, what's it gonna be~

Hiei stared blindly at the door in which Nikkiara left. He couldn't believe it. For the first time, his entire body was numb. He bet that someone could knock him upside the head with a brick and he wouldn't feel a thing. Shock raced through his system, followed closely by something he didn't understand.

It was as if his heart was surrounded by a block of ice that was being chipped away at with a fork. And add to that what it would feel like to have your bones removed one at a time with a paring knife. He felt like he was being stuck with pins and needles. And for most of the pain he felt, there were no words to describe it.

She left. She walked away from him, just like she said she would. And all because he didn't say three stupid words? Because he didn't want their relationship to be everybodies business? Baka onna, he thought bitterly, as he stood to pace the room. What was he going to do?

He couldn't loose her, his would be over without her. He wouldn't have a reason to live. Life would just be something he had to live through. Time wouldn't exist for him because each moment would be like the next. His life, the life of the top assasin demon, would be fruitless.

How could he put this into words to tell her. How could he make her see what she meant to him? How could it be so hard to express his feelings? Why was it so hard to say what he felt when others could do it without a care in the world. He must be defected.

His mind raced with these thoughts as he laid back on the bed he shared with her. Which was a mistake because with every breath the demon took, he remembered what it was like to hold his beloved. He couldn't stand it. With a shove on the bed, he propelled himself up and off the bed and stalked out the door, ignoring the stares of the others.

~ How far do I have to go to make you understand, I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't, keep on giving, go on living with the way things are, so I'm gonna walk away, and it's up to you to say how far~

Nikkiara had dried her eyes and fixed her face so that it didn't look like she had been crying. Then she changed into some work out clothes and went outside to beat up on the pratice dummy she set up in the backyard. Hearing something, she ducked into the shadows and stared.

Hiei stood in the backyard, attacking the dummy that was set up for weapons. His katana was a blur of silver and white and loud thumps sounded with each strike. She had never seen him attack like this before, not even when they were fighting off the bad guys. Her sharp hearing picked up the words he grinded out between his teeth in between each strike.

"I…*thump* can't…*thump* believe…*clunk* she….*clang* thinks that about me." He growled and sliced the wood with his katana, neatly shearing through the wood. Coming to a stop, he stared at the ruined pratice dummy, panting softly.

That was when she chose to reveal herself to him, stepping out of the shadows and remarking, her voice dry, "You're going to get me a new one, you know."

Hiei spun, his katana stopping inches from her face, and she stared blandly at him, unflinching. His red eyes filled with a emotion that she had never seen there before and she wondered briefly. Then, it was gone and he sneered, "Oh its you. What come to tell me that I have a time limit?"

Nikkiara stared at him, the corners of her lips turning upwards and she nodded, catching him off guard, "Actually yes. I don't want to wait. I want to know. Now. How do you feel about me?"

Hiei stared at her, shock written all over his face. Of all the things he expected her to say, that was not one of them. He couldn't imagine her putting a time limit on this. Or maybe he could. She just wasn't the one to sit around and wait. Which meant he had to have a answer for her now.

~ Out of this chair, or just across the room, halfway down the block or halfway to the, moon, how far do I have to go to make you understand, I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't, keep on giving, go on living with the way things are~

Nikkiara tapped her foot against the ground and looked at him pointedly, "Well? Do you love me enough to let everyone know that we are together? Love me enough to make me your mate?"

Hiei did a double take, unable to think clearly. Make her his mate? Where in the nine hells did that come from? Since when did she want to be his mate? Since when did he want a mate?

The other voice in his head sounded and he listened to it briefly. You wanted her for a mate since the moment you saw her. Since the moment you realized if you didn't tell her how you felt, you could lose her. Since you realized that everything you feel for Nikkiara was real. And now you must act on it.

And yet the other voice, the bad one, intervened. You can't. You don't deserve her, just like you don't deserve your sister. You need to tell her so. Let her go. Then leave, and don't come back. Let her live her life without you, without a failure. Do it.

Taking a deep breath, Hiei approached Nikkiara and took her hands in hers. And unaware of all the faces that pressed against the windows, he pulled her agianst him. His lips covered hers, in a soft kiss. That soon deepened as Nikkiara's arms wrapped around him in response. Finally, the answer she was looking for.

When they broke away, she was breathless and her chest heaved as she struggled to take in the breath she didn't need. Her hand came up and brushed over his face, gently caressed his cheek. He turned his head into it, enjoying the one last caress from her, because he knew the next thing she was going to do was slap him and he would deserve it.

"Nikki-chan." He reached up and grasped her hand in his, "What I am going to tell you…well your going to hate me afterwards."

She froze, her stomach turning to a block of ice at his words. Her brain went numb as he continued to speak, "I am going to leave."

~ So I'm gonna walk away, and it's up to you to say, yeah I'm gonna walk away, and it's up to you to say how far, how far, ooohhhh~

He took another breath and went on, "I want you to know that this has nothing to do with you or how you feel about me. It has to do with me and how I feel and how I need to come to terms with it. I can't love you…not yet. Not until I feel like I deserve you. "

Nikkiara shook her head violently at that last statement, "NO! I am not going to listen to you tell such bullshit. You know its bullshit. You deserve me and I deserve you. Damnit we deserve each other. Hiei, don't you dare do this.'

His red eyes were sad as he gazed at her, and beneath that saddness she could see the love. And she knew that, he loved her, he just didn't realize it yet. He hadnt come to terms with it. The love she saw there buried beneath saddness, denial, and pain was as endless as the stars. And she bit her lip, burying her pain for a later time.

Hiei spoke first, "I am sorry Nikkiara, I don't mean to hurt you. That was never my intent, I just…well you know. I'll be back…sometime…I don't know when."

Nikkiara nodded, "I know. Its something you have to do. And I respect that. And as much as it pains me, I know that with love, sometimes you have to let someone go to see if its for real. I know its for real, but I am hoping it will convince you. So, instead of me walking away, I'll let you. And when your ready, I'll be here…ready to welcome you with open arms and unconditional love."

Hiei nodded and didn't say another word. Her words just filled him with so much emotion, that he couldn't find any other words. Meeting her eyes last time, Hiei turned and went into the house to gather his things and leave.

Author's Notes: Ok, I know that this wasn't a happy ending, but this song doesn't have a happy ending. Its about walking away and hopefully coming back. So that's what I wrote. Nikki, don't you dare kill me cause I will write a sequel that has a happy ending…I sear to the Selene that I will. Anyways, not I am going to bed. Bye.