Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Intangible ❯ Separation Anxiety ( Chapter 17 )

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.Seventeen.

 

“What do you think you're doing?”

 

“Huh?”

 

This was how Hiei and my conversation began a week later after I served up my culinary skills for Kurama. I was at home, watching some rerun of an old sitcom and the little youkai himself appeared before me like some kind of apparition. I had been in the middle of downing a can of soda and when he showed up, I nearly choked to death. And before I could even say anything, he asked me that question—as if appearing suddenly in people's houses without any warning whatsoever was normal for him.

 

Hiei eyed me darkly. “What do you think you're doing?” he repeated again.

 

If looks could kill. I wondered to myself if I had done anything to seriously make him mad—oh, yeah—having Kurama as my boyfriend. How could I forget?

 

“Um…watching an old show—before you decided to drop by. So how have you been, Hiei? You don't visit me often you know,” I replied brightly as I looked innocently at him.

 

Hiei grunted and leaned against the wall beside the television. “Is this how you spend your days? How dull,” he commented dryly.

 

I frowned deeply. “Hey, don't insult my way of life, Hiei. At least I'm happy, right?” I shot back.

 

Inside, I was nowhere near as cheerful and calm as I pretended to be. There were a whole bunch of questions running through my mind as I tried to figure out why Hiei was here. But I already knew the answer beforehand. In fact, I had been expecting him to come by sooner or later. I just wished it had been later. I glanced at the calendar on the wall. It had been almost two months since that fateful day in the Reikai. My eyes widened slightly. Did that much time pass by already? I had actually managed to keep up this façade for two whole months? Bitterness gripped at my heart. Time passes by quickly—especially when you've been deluding yourself the entire way.

 

“Why are you with him?” inquired Hiei suddenly.

 

I looked at him in alarm. His gaze was inscrutable. “Gee, why is anyone in a relationship, Hiei? Because they like the person of course,” I replied as naturally as I could.

 

Hiei's eyes darkened on me. “That doesn't tell me anything about you,” he stated coldly.

 

I always knew Hiei was scary. And I always knew he was pretty damn incredible when it came to interrogation. But I never knew I would be facing him like this—with that impenetrable expression just waiting for me to slip up. I chuckled sadistically to myself. I was a glutton for torture.

 

“I'm with him…because I like it.”

 

“Seems like a rather weak reason considering you've been together for a while now.”

 

“Why am I even explaining this to you?” I shot back, eyes flashing. I had to get back into this game quick before Hiei completely ran me over. “This has nothing to do with you. Unless you're mad that Kurama's with me instead of you?”

 

God, that sounded horrible even in my own ears. A blank look slated across Hiei's face and I could only cringe inwardly. Well, Urameshi, you always did know when to take it a whole new level. And I had to confront Hiei eventually—make him realize what a mistake it was to let Kurama go. Maybe spelling it out in front of him would do something. Maybe then I would then be freed of this burden. Maybe then I could move on with my damn life. Maybe then I could just watch as Hiei and Kurama lived happily ever after as I resumed my jumping sprees over the Makai.

 

“If what you're saying is true, then I have everything to do with this, detective,” Hiei said blandly. “What do you get out of being with him—really. You never showed any signs of interest before.”

 

That was true. Before Kurama came up to me I always considered him a close friend. It was only afterwards did I get any real emotions out of the situation. I didn't expect Hiei to notice this, though. But I guess all that scouting around he's so good at does come in handy.

 

“It was an unexpected chance and I took it. And I've discovered a lot of things about myself and Kurama along the way that I would never take back,” I replied before grinning somewhat amusedly at Hiei. “Can I really expect you to know what I'm talking about? I've never even heard of you with a partner of any sorts.”

 

Hiei's gaze softened slightly. “I haven't had many—and they're all dead now,” he replied before looking at me more severely. “I don't know what that fox was thinking when he chose you.”

 

Well, he really wants you, Hiei. I kept that to myself, though, as I shrugged and leaned back on the couch lazily. “Me neither,” I replied truthfully.

 

Out of all the possible candidates, he chose me. Okay, so Kuwabara was automatically out of the picture, but he could have used Botan…eh, no, I guess maybe not considering she already bore her own not-so-secret crush on Kurama. All right so maybe I was the best candidate. But Botan would have went along with it. She only liked Kurama because he was “the finest specimen of the male species” she had ever encountered. But then again seeing them two was just…disturbing. They were even more incompatible than Kurama and me.

 

“Do you think you deserve him?”

 

“No.”

 

The answer came out easily—I didn't even need to think about it. That question had been on my mind early on in the game. I no longer needed to contemplate it any further. I looked at Hiei and saw that he was mildly surprised—which, of course, meant that he was stunned. I smiled ruefully.

 

“I think he can do a lot better than me,” I wondered aloud. “But if he wants to stay with me then I have no choice.”

 

“Then why are you in this relationship?”

 

There was an icy fury in Hiei's tone. I didn't need to look at him to know that there was anger in his eyes. And I guess I couldn't blame him. He wanted Kurama. But Kurama was supposedly with me now—and I just made it sound like I wasn't even giving it my all in our relationship. To Hiei that was even worse than losing Kurama. He could handle not having Kurama, but he couldn't handle him not being taken care of properly. And I'm not even one to speak about taking care of people or noticing their pain. But being with Kurama was different from being with Keiko. I didn't want to lose this feeling—and I didn't want to have to lose this feeling. That was why pretending was so goddamn hard for me.

 

“He's a cool guy,” I replied quietly.

 

Hiei snorted derisively and uncrossed his arms to have them rest at his sides tensely. “Pathetic, Urameshi. I would have expected better from you,” he accused dryly.

 

I stared at him curiously. There was just something not right about this picture… Hiei's posture… It seemed almost like… But I ignored those nagging thoughts.

 

“Do you love him?”

 

“Whoa, there. Love?”

 

I was definitely caught off guard this time. I mean this was Hiei talking about love. You just can't combine these two words together every day you know. I blinked several times to regain my composure before shaking my head, chuckling softly.

 

“It's only been two months, Hiei,” I replied. Love. Did I love him? Did my feelings really run that deeply for Kurama? What a question, Hiei, what a question.

 

“Then do you think you have the capacity to love him?”

 

“Hiei, I have the capacity to love anyone if they manage to worm their way deep enough. Heck, I could probably love Sensui—if he got rid of the rest of those annoying personalities he had.”

 

Hiei's eyes darkened. “The way you talk is as if you're afraid of something,” he stated.

 

I looked at him sharply. “Is this about me or Kurama, Hiei?” I demanded harshly.

 

“If being with Kurama is making you so miserable then why don't you break it off?”

 

“I'm not miserable!”

 

Ah, sweet denial. I almost laughed at my own words. It was only half the truth really. Half the time I was miserable and the other half I was plain peachy. But Hiei's words really threw me in for a loop. How could he of all people tell me that I'm miserable when he's the one who couldn't even admit his feelings for the one he loved? I think he should have been the more miserable one. But maybe youkai think differently on that issue. Who knows. I may have had youkai blood running through me but that didn't mean I thought and acted like one. But then again Hiei was a little different from most youkai as well.

 

“You think you don't deserve him, right?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Then I challenge you right now.”

 

“Eh?”

 

Bewilderment was an understatement to what I was feeling. And when Hiei drew out his katana I only grew more alarmed. “Wait, wait…what? Challenge me to a…fight?” I inquired dazedly.

 

Hiei only gestured to the window. “Outside. Now. Follow me,” were the short commands he issued before flying out my apartment.

 

I bit my lip in confusion. Hiei really did have no patience. And I thought I was the one known for thinking with his fist rather than his brain. I leaned back in the couch for a second, contemplating the entire thing. I had the strangest feeling that somehow I got manipulated into this. I mean…even if I did fight with Hiei what the heck would that accomplish? Unless this was some sort of youkai tradition. You know, they really ought to offer classes in demon behavior or something.

 

Sighing, I stood up and followed after Hiei through the door. Well, if it was a fight he wanted then he would get one. Besides, I could never really say no to an all out brawl—especially when issued by Hiei.

 

Tracking down the smaller youkai was no problem. When I finally caught up, I found Hiei standing in the middle of a very empty park. I looked around curiously. “What did you do, scare off everyone with your katana?” I inquired.

 

“No talk,” he replied tightly before flying at me alarmingly.

 

“O-oi!”

 

I grunted as I barely blocked his attack. Hiei's eyes narrowed at me as he applied more pressure. I smiled for a second before pushing him away abruptly, shifting to a more defensive stance. “Why are we fighting anyway?” I asked.

 

Hiei straightened for a moment, regarding me carefully. “For Kurama,” he answered shortly.

 

“Uh…don't you think that's a little…medieval?”

 

Try as I might I just couldn't grasp onto Hiei's reasoning. I knew he was a little crazy sometimes, but this was insane. Who actually fought for the person they loved? Well, in this sense at least. It was like a duel basically—or a sick parody of a duel between two youkai. I stared at Hiei to see if he was serious. And surprise, surprise, he was. I shook my head.

 

“This is ridiculous, Hiei.”

 

His eyes darkened ominously. “So your entire escapade with Kurama is ridiculous as well?” he shot back.

 

“Wait a minute, Hiei. What the hell does that have to do with this?” I demanded sharply.

 

“This fight is to measure your seriousness, Urameshi. And it's only a fight. If you can't take this seriously, then what right do you have to be with Kurama?”

 

What right do I have to be with Kurama? But before I could think about it any further, Hiei attacked once again. He swiped his katana low and I wasn't so lucky in blocking this time round. The edge of his sword nicked my forearm, resulting in a fairly shallow but long cut. I hissed in surprise before my body began to move automatically, countering Hiei's attacks while my mind was off somewhere else.

 

“If you lose…then that means you're not serious.”

 

“What right do you have to say that?”

 

Suddenly I was on fire again. Who died and made Hiei in charge anyway? I still wasn't sure what the hell he was going on about the whole losing and deserving to be with Kurama—but I sure as hell wasn't going to lose this fight. It wasn't in me to let go that easily. So I attacked and attacked and attacked again. When I fought, nothing got in my way. The only thoughts I have running through my head are ones of defeating the opponent. Nothing more, nothing less—which, if course, is why I was also very prone to making some stupid moves.

 

Hiei slashed his way at me. I dodged and reacted with my own assault. The one advantage Hiei had over me was his experience and speed—both of which I could only dream of having. But I had my own specialties—a hell of a lot of destructive power and my unpredictable personality. That and sheer luck. My first fight with Hiei had been all about that. But now I possessed the ability to defeat him with my own strength. And I would.

 

“I'm not going to lose to you, Hiei!” I shouted out as I flipped over him.

 

A ghost of a smirk painted his face. “All talk and no action,” he retorted as he swung at me again.

 

This time I didn't move to dodge or block and only stood my place. Hiei narrowed his eyes but continued with his attack. I grinned inwardly. Typical Hiei—he was never one to let down his guard. When his sword came dangerously close to striking my stomach, I shifted and quickly charged up my Rei-Gun, firing it at him as he came forward. It was weakly charged of course. I wasn't going to kill the little guy.

 

But it was still enough to knock him down to the ground and I quickly picked up his sword lying in the distance and pointed it downwards at him. “Your loss,” I stated calmly.

 

And before he could say anything I tossed the sword down at him and fled the scene altogether. There was something about the fight that put me on edge. And I didn't want to stick around to listen to anything more Hiei had to say. My mind was slowly coming to a resolution—a decision I had been fearing to make since I first realized I had any feelings for Kurama besides camaraderie.

 

I had wasted too much time pitying myself. There was nothing else I could do now to stop the inevitable. Besides…that fight with Hiei really proved to me that he was serious about Kurama—and that he would indeed fight to the death for him. I looked up at the sky as I walked. It was blue and cloudless. I guess I could take that as something of a hint that what I was doing was right. I sighed. So much for the masquerade. It was fun while it lasted, though. With that thought in mind I began to smile.

 

“I never thought I would be the one doing the breaking up,” I muttered to myself as I headed towards Kurama's house.

 

I had to do it this time, though. No more excuses, Urameshi. It's do or die. Every second spent with me was one wasted being with Hiei—and they were so much better suited than Kurama and me. I mean…I'm still not even sure what I feel for him. It's strong—but not quite as strong as the feelings I had for Keiko. But then again, my feelings for Keiko weren't quite as centered and focused. They were random and at times I felt like I could very much hate her as well as love her. Kurama was constant. There was no up or down. Scary thought. But I knew I still had a chance of letting go if I broke it off with Kurama right now.

 

“What are you going to do?”

 

“So you take to stalking after those opponents who beat you now, eh, Hiei?”

 

I could practically feel his glare down my back. “You're in Kurama's neighborhood,” he stated as a matter-of-factly.

 

“Correct!”

 

“Are you…?”

 

“I should think you'd be happy, Hiei.”

 

Suddenly I was face-to-face with him again, and this time his gaze was fuming. “You're seriously thinking of leaving him?” he demanded.

 

I looked at him casually. “I don't deserve him, right? Your words did make a lot of sense, Hiei. I'm not serious enough about this relationship. Kurama deserves better—and he'll get it too…through you,” I said slowly, turning my eyes elsewhere besides Hiei's face. I didn't want to see his reaction. I knew what it would be.

 

“He cares for you, Urameshi. Not me. Never me. My fight with you was just to ensure his well-being in your care—to make you realize how serious Kurama was.”

 

At this I finally turned back to face Hiei with what I imagined to be a sad smile on my face, though I tried desperately to make it as whimsical as I could. “Ah, but that's where you're wrong, my little friend. It was never for me. I only agreed to it. But I'm sure you'll find out everything soon—after I go to Kurama's house—which, might I add, you cannot follow me into,” I said, my eyes narrowing.

 

Hiei stared at me for a moment—expressionless. Then he disappeared before my sight and I could feel his youki slowly move away into the distance. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back towards the sky. “Life sucks,” I murmured before continuing to walk. I wondered if Hiei already deciphered my words. He was a smart youkai after all. He should really feel flattered—that Kurama would do all this for him. And I suppose Kurama should feel slightly flattered as well—with the fact that I stuck by him for two months. He probably knows how I feel for him by now. He's clever. I'm oblivious as a doornail. He should know.

 

By the time I was at Kurama's porch step, I was thoroughly determined to get this over with. And as I was prepping myself to knock on the door, it magically opened by itself and I was left to face Kurama as he was walking out of his house. A startled expression crossed his face before he smiled at me warmly.

 

“Yusuke. What brings you here?”

 

I managed to smile back just slightly before gesturing inside. “Busy? Let's talk,” I said, not even giving Kurama a chance to answer before I rushed in.

 

Kurama followed me with a puzzled look. “Is something wrong?” he inquired with a hint of concern in his tone.

 

I always thought of him as a mystery. Untouchable—even more so than Hiei because he hid behind that polite mask that seemed to absorb everything yet let nothing out. But now I knew he wasn't. Two months gives you a lot of perception on a guy—especially if you're hanging out with just him that entire time. Kurama wasn't as cold as he allowed everyone to believe he was. His emotions were caught only if you paid attention. The slightest hand gesture or sidelong glance represented a thousand feelings with Kurama—and I had learned to read every single one of them without even having to pay constant attention to him. The mystery was solved. I gave an amused chuckle to myself.

 

“We got to end this,” I stated simply.

 

Amazing how easily those words slipped out my mouth. It took all of my willpower to gather what nerve I had to even think of saying those words. And just like that—in one second—they were out without a single moment's hesitation.

 

There was that flicker of surprise in Kurama's face again before it was smoothed over to neutrality—replaced by a blank mask. I thought to myself, well, it seemed like Youko had come out now. That side of him was still the only missing part of the puzzle known as Kurama that I would never figure out. All I knew was that whenever that cold, placid look came into his eyes, I was facing off with Youko now.

 

“That was very abrupt,” he commented.

 

I shrugged and grinned. “I'm a spontaneous guy—you know that. And besides…,” I ran off as I glanced at the pictures hanging in the background before returning my attention back to Kurama, “I had a little scuffle with Hiei. He's very committed to you. Even though he believed I didn't deserve you…he made sure to point out to me that I would have to take care of you because you, at least, deserved that much and because it was me—not him—that you wanted. I never thought I would see the little guy so riled up.”

 

Kurama's eyes softened. “Did he really say that?” he asked quietly.

 

I stared at him dead in the eye. “Absolutely,” I said. “You guys are good for each other you know. Every youkai in the Makai would be afraid to go up against you guys that's for sure! Angering the other mate…what a dangerous idea.”

 

“And you?”

 

I raised my eyebrow. “What about me?” I asked.

 

“What will you do now? I know I've taken up a lot of your time. I'm sorry…really. Even I didn't expect all of this to happen. I hope this doesn't…ruin our relationship,” he explained, looking apologetic.

 

A real smile made its way onto my face then. “Nah, that could never happen. And I agreed to it, right? And no one's hurt so where's the harm?” I replied.

 

For a moment it appeared as if Kurama was about to say something else before he slowly smiled at me. He leaned forward and took my hands into his. “Thank you, Yusuke,” he said earnestly.

 

Red started to fill my cheeks before I pulled my hands away nervously. “Sure thing, Kurama!” I said a little too loudly. God…and I had actually shared a kiss with him?

 

“But you never answered my question. What will you do?”

 

“Eh…continue school of course. Mom would have my neck if I don't…and…uh…do some more hopping around the Makai I guess. There's so much to explore after all. And I know I'm in for a good adventure or two if I'm going to be with Chuu, Jin, and the others,” I answered. I used to look forward to those days. I was alone and free—with no strong attachments to hold me back. But now I was unsure. To me…this was the only option I had if I wanted to forget about Kurama and this…utterly unbeneficial relationship.

 

I was isolating myself from emotions—something I never thought I would do. But not all emotions…just that one painful, double-edged sword called love.

 

“You thinking of settling down any time soon?”

 

I rolled my eyes. “Please, Kurama. After this? It's likely I'll never settle down,” I replied, stretching my arms out at the back of my head before folding them over. I glanced at the clock and promptly stood up. “I'd better get going now.”

 

He stood up as well and led me to the door. “Do you want anything to eat or drink before you leave?” he asked.

 

I chuckled. “Still the gentleman,” I commented.

 

Kurama smiled. “Habit, I suppose,” he retorted.

 

I shook my head and waved my hand. “No, I'm good,” I said as walked out the doorway. I was about a meter away from his house before I looked back. “It was fun, huh?”

 

“You'll make a great partner, Yusuke. I know it,” he replied, a serene smile on his face.

 

He looked so calm—so…happy. Well, I guess he should have been considering now the farce was over. It still pained me, though. I could only bark out a laugh at him.

 

“Me? You're insane, Kurama.”

 

And then I walked away. I didn't look or even listen to hear if Kurama had made any reply. I only walked—running away forever from that which could have provided me with the most happiness, yet at the same time causing me the greatest pain of all. And I would never look back.

 

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TBC

 

Apologies for the long delay—I sort of hit a dead end in my writing for a while. School was being very stressful towards the end of the year and now I'm working so that's even less time for writing. But, yeah, I'm glad I finally got this part out. It's been haunting me for a while. XD And one more chapter to go! And then an epilogue. Yes, indeed, we're almost done! Thanks for sticking by me for so long. I love you all dearly. Now let's see this through finally. Next part starts off where the first chapter left off before Yusuke began his telling of the story. At the party…in the garden…hopefully, that rings a bell. XD