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| "Tale of a Doomed Prince" Reviews/Comments [ 4 ] | Title: Addendum to my last...
Reviewed By: Sarasusa [MediaMiner Member] On: January 12, 2004 20:47 CST
Comment/Review:
Sorry, I didn't realize that the form was going to smush my comments together that way. I hope they're still intelligible!
| Reviewed By: Sarasusa [MediaMiner Member] On: January 12, 2004 20:46 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 9 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 8 of 10 Comment/Review:
I'm definitely enjoying the story and am eager to read more. So far, the characters are a great combination of legendary/folkloric and Yu-Gi-Oh!-specific. I have a few small issues, mainly with word choice, as follows: > protest to "protest at" sounds more natural to me. > guard was ignorant to I think "ignorant of" is preferable. > in forgiveness for "in amends for" or "to make amends for" sounds closer to what you're getting at here. >a dog as forgiveness again, "in amends" > "One of which is a serpent, another being a crocodile, and the last being...a dog." Since the idea is that it could be any representative of those classes, I think it might sound better to say, "One is the serpent, the second is the crocodile, and the third is...the dog." Also, this threw me: >Five fateful words I'm assuming that the words were actually spoken in some ancient Middle Eastern language--so we're hearing them in translation. Only by sheer coincidence would the word count be the same. (If "five" were omitted, I wouldn't have gotten hung up on this phrase.) Finally, a Yu-Gi-Oh! context issue: > The gods themselves have called him Yami. I've seen spoilerish reports out there identifying our Pharaoh-in-a-puzzle's true name as Atem or Atemu. Given the somewhat alternate-universe nature of your story, perhaps you want to distinguish it from the YGO universe. Then again, I expect a Pharaoh could have many given names. But that's enough nitpicking! I love your style and concept here...can't wait for Seto to appear...
| Reviewed By: Blue September [MediaMiner Member] On: January 10, 2004 21:56 CST
Comment/Review:
I liked it so far. I've been looking for a good Seto/Yami fic all day. Thank you. I'll be looking forward to more!!
| Reviewed By: Blue September [MediaMiner Member] On: January 10, 2004 21:55 CST
Comment/Review:
I liked it so far. I've been looking for a good Seto/Yami fic all day. Thank you. I'll be looking forward to more!!
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