Title: Ehh...
Reviewed By: luvsdogz [MediaMiner Member] On: January 05, 2005 14:44 CST
Comment/Review:
Eh, this fic needs a little touching up Theres quite a few spelling errors, including Sesshoumaru's name, which you put as "Seeshoumaru" the whole way through, and what was supposed to be Sesshy you had as "Seeshy") There are also many sentances that dont seem make sense, like how you started off telling that her flowing hair was in a tight french braid (O.o cause french braids do not flow, lemme tell ya that). And, also (even though I skimmed through the middle) I noticed that you had Rin talking rather oddly (She said "Nope, Rin not planning anything" and to me it almost sounded like Rin was making fun of cavemen) Also, one more thing I kinda need to feel the need to point out: You make Sesshoumaru-sama seem like hes a pedophile. You keep saying how young Sakura[n?] is for a youkai, and yet Sesshy still plans on... Er, doing... *makes hand motions*... to her? Hes like 700-something! (Im reminded of a SessRin fic in that sense, and Id make a similiar comment to anyone who writes something with that pairing) I think that you need a beta or something and Id be more than happy to offer my services! (Oh, and sorry about my critiquing, but if something irks me I either flmae or critize it. If I pissed you off or something feel free to flame one of my fics on fanfiction.net The penname is luvsdogz. Want to email me instead? Im inu_obsesser at yahoo) Please consider my offer, and you can get in touch with me whether you accept or reject. OK, Im out of space, BYE!
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