Title: FFARG Review Chapter 1
Reviewed By: LadyLark [MediaMiner Member] On: May 27, 2005 15:55 CDT
Comment/Review:
This is the kind of fanfic that we like to see submitted to FFARG. A solid base that just needs a little work to make it even better. And that is what you have here. A very solid base. First off, I would separate the prelude from chapter one, there is no shame in having short chapters. However, it is a mental/scene shift and should be set off. The second thing I feel you need is a good beta. Not one to catch spelling mistakes, but to help point out awkward sentences. You had quite a few of those, but this one stood out the most. "Hikaru Shindo loved his friend Fujiwara-no Sai in the brotherly way that heterosexually-inclined people do, but never appreciated it when awoken with a startle." That one had too many different thoughts going on. Also minor Japanese Nit-pick, you need to decide whether or not to use the Last name first or the Given name. Fujiwara is Sai's last name. Literally translated his full name means Sai of the Fujiwara. So you may want to consider changing that. Also you could use some additional description. Setting the scene and the like. I don't really know what time period Hikaru & Sai first lived in so you may want to elaborate on that. Now onto the good. You have a good grasp of characterization and Grammar. Your dialogue is easily distinguishable -- which is good. As I said, you have a good base. But you need to do a few things to make this better. Thank you for Submitting to FFRG!
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