Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ Only In Your Eyes Am I Worthy ❯ Broken People ( Chapter 25 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Evangelion: Only In Your Eyes Am I Worthy

Author's Note: I think I have too much fun writing Crazy-Asuka. hahaha

Required Disclaimer: Still no own. Still no money. Too evil for a conscience. I think I might just have some jelly donuts around here now, however… Enjoy and ponder on the glory of GAINAX! And stuff.

Chapter 25: Broken People

Asuka and Shinji stared silently at each other across the empty space of the third child's mostly empty room. The second child had a despondent, haunted look as she fixed her eyes, unblinking, on the blue-eyed boy. “Why do you hate me?” She inquired in a flat, weak voice.

“I don't hate you.” Shinji protested.

“Why do you hate me?” The red-haired girl asked again, in exactly the same tone.

“I don't.” The third child repeated.

“You don't love me.” Asuka stated, still with a broken down voice.

The blue-eyed boy glanced away nervously.

The German girl repeated herself. “You don't love me.”

“No. I don't.” Shinji admitted reluctantly.

“You love her.” Asuka pointed out softly.

“I… think so.” The third child didn't argue with that statement.

“But not me.” The girl observed.

“I care about you!” The boy cried out in protest.

“You don't.” Asuka disagreed.

Shinji shook his head in confusion. “What is wrong with you, Asuka-chan?!”

“Kannst du in meiner Seele lesen? (Can you read into my soul?)” The girl inquired, sounding remarkably like Rei at her most mysterious and emotionless times. [AN: Yes, both meiner vs. meine and lesen vs. sehen are intentional.]

The third child shook his head. “I don't understand.”

“Sie ist leer. (She is empty/void.)” Asuka continued.

“I don't know what you're saying!” Shinji cried in frustration.

“You never know what either of us is saying. She, talking with her eyes, and I, speaking with words upon words. You neither see nor hear.” Asuka stated, still sounding quiet and enigmatic.

The third child clenched his fists in anger. “Stop it!”

“How can I stop it, when it is your lips that are speaking these words?” The German girl inquired.

“I said stop it! Or I'll make you stop!” Shinji screamed, shaking with rage.

A corner of Asuka's mouth rose up slightly, the first expression she had made during the entire conversation. “How can I stop it, when it is your hands that are wrapped around my throat? You, who is choking the life out of me.”

The third child blinked, noticing his hands were indeed wrapped around the red-haired girl's pale slender throat. For a few moments he just stared at his hands as they dented in the soft flesh, but then a demonic smile formed on his lips and his hands tightened even more. “Yes. These are my hands. This is your life. Your soul is empty, you said? Let's find out.”

Asuka stared up into Shinji's maddened eyes, lying limply on the floor now, not even bothering to struggle. A single tear fell from the corner of her right eye.

“How does it feel now? Are you still empty? This is the real reason that angel was killing you, isn't it? It peered into your soul, and it found nothing. And it was scared. You're nothing but a doll.” The third child laughed, sounding very much like a demon child.

The second child stared up into the frightening eyes above her as her neck was squeezed so tightly that she thought her head was about to pop off. Suddenly a thought was born in her gasping mind. `I am not a doll.'

“What?” Shinji inquired, leaning his head over so his ear was over the girl's mouth, but still he strangled her.

“I am not empty. I am not a doll. I… desire. My existence is valid because I desire. I am incomplete, but I have the will to reach out for that which I desire. That which will give my life more meaning than it has now.” Asuka stated, reaching up to grab the hands that were around her neck, trying to pry the fingers away. Panic edged into her mind as she realized she wanted to live, and she would likely die anyway.

The third child snorted. Then he glanced downwards with an evil smirk on his lips. “You're wrong. You're nothing but an empty hole that's not even worth filling.”

Asuka's eyes widened in shock. “Wh… what?”

“You're a broken doll. Useless. Nobody wants to play with you. When you die, nobody will even bother to bury you. More trouble than you're worth. We'll just toss your corpse into a lake and let the fish eat you. Of course, they'll probably have no use for you either.” Shinji laughed.

“Stop!” The second child cried, clawing desperately at the hands around her neck, feeling her life fading. She struggled vainly, but she was already so weak. “Please... stop…” As the girl's eyes rolled back she saw Rei standing over her.

“Asuka. Wake up.” The blue-haired girl stated softly, but in a commanding tone.

Asuka's eyes snapped open and she gasped in horror. Her arms vainly reached out for someone. Shinji… Rei… it didn't matter. Instead, she found herself cold and alone. She gasped for breath and scrambled backwards, pulling her knees up under her chin and wrapping her arms around her legs as panic burned raw and hot in her veins. Her terrified eyes swept quickly over the room and her hand reached up to clutch at her throat.

The German girl sobbed, wishing desperately that someone, anyone, was with her. She always slept soundly when she was curled up with Shinji or Rei. And when she wasn't… she had the most horrible nightmares. The whole dream had felt much like when the angel was probing her mind, an experience that was still aching and bleeding in her psyche. “Gott im Himmel… warum?! (God in heaven… why?!)”

Finally Asuka stood up and wiped her eyes and walked into the wash closet, where she splashed cold water on her face. She stared at the haunted look on her own face in the mirror and hated it. “Ich schaue in den Spiegel, aber ich erkenne diese Augen nicht. (I look into the mirror, but I do not recognize these eyes.)” She murmured, shivering as she turned away from the dreadful sight.

The red-haired girl was about to walk back into Shinji's room, where her futon was, to go back to sleep when she reconsidered. She glanced at Misato's door, realizing the woman must have returned from NERV by now. `Probably completely exhausted and sleeping like the dead.' She reasoned.

The young pilot slowly slid the major's door open and peered in on her slumbering form. Judging by the smell of stale beer, she had at least a few drinks before passing out. Asuka glanced back towards Shinji's room before returning her gaze to the purple-haired beauty. She sighed and muttered to herself, “In der Not frisst der Teufel Fliegen. (Erm… I think the literal translation is `In time of need/poverty the devil eats flies' but it means basically the same thing as the English phrase `Beggers can't be choosers')” She trudged forward and flopped down beside the slumbering older woman. She moved close enough to feel the heat of the major's body, but didn't cuddle up to her.

Some time later, just as the second child was about to fall asleep finally, the major mumbled in her sleep with a giggle. “Oh Kaji… don't put it in there! No no… oh… ok maybe just for a little while… mmm…”

Asuka's eyes snapped open in horror. “Schlampe! (Slut)” She choked out, wanting to strangle the woman in her sleep. She clenched her fists and shook her head. “Why should I care? You can have him, you old hag.” She grumbled, getting up and stiffly walking out. “Today just keeps getting better and better.” She grumbled sarcastically.

She went back to the futon in Shinji's room and spent the remainder of the night staring up at the dark ceiling. At one point during the night she started shivering and curled herself into the fetal position and stated in a whisper, “Shut up, mother.”

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Maya rested her hand over her heart as she nearly swooned over a big romantic moment in the game she was playing. “Oh, their first kiss! That is so cute!!!” She cried. “And she told him she was crying because she was happy! If only that happened in real life, it would be so beautiful!”

The captain munched on some sweet rice crackers as she watched the long video sequence, enjoying the sickeningly sweet love song that was accompanying it. Her good mood was ruined, however, when she heard a knock at the door. “No! Who could that be?!” She grumbled. The captain stood up after pausing the game, brushed the crumbs off her over-sized shirt, and then stomped over to the door. `Probably Aoba again to see how I'm feeling. As if he can't work a telephone.' She threw the door open and blinked in surprise. “Sempai?”

“Good evening, Maya-chan. I hope I'm not disturbing you.” The bottle-blonde doctor stated, though she walked past the captain without awaiting an invitation. “Ikari-kun isn't here, is he?”

Maya blushed in embarrassment. “No! Of course not!”

Ritsuko shrugged and sat down on a padded chair. “So, you're resting up, I see.”

The young Ibuki frowned, wondering why the doctor was acting so strangely. “It's quite restful. I'm just playing a game. It beats staring at the wall. Besides, you know in my place, you'd probably be working still, so don't tease me.”

The doctor raised an eyebrow up, a little surprised at her tone. “No need to get testy, Maya-chan. Be a dear and fetch me a drink, will you? Tea is fine. Or sake, perhaps.”

The captain frowned, turning so her expression wasn't seen. She liked Ritsuko, actually she liked Ritsuko a lot, but right now she felt violated. She bit down her offense and poured the older woman some tea and handed it to her. “To what can I owe the pleasure of this visit, sempai?”

Dr. Akagi sipped the tea and shrugged. “I didn't really feel like being alone tonight. And I didn't figure you'd mind.”

`You still haven't asked if I mind, either.' Maya thought silently. She glanced around and winced. She hadn't cleaned the place up in weeks and she was embarrassed by the mess. “If I had known you were coming, I would have cleaned up…”

“You're supposed to be resting anyway.” Ritsuko argued, staring at the television screen. “Is that a movie?”

“A game.” The captain corrected her, indicating the controller. “It's on pause.”

Dr. Akagi made a “hmph” sound and looked towards the book case on the wall. “I suppose everyone needs a hobby.” She stated in a condescending tone.

Maya frowned openly now, wondering if the woman was intentionally being a bitch. “H-hai. I suppose so.” She replied meekly, dropping the frown politely when the doctor looked her way. “Have you eaten? I have some Tonjiru (pork miso soup) left over from dinner earlier.” She offered politely. “I've been eating some rice crackers for dessert.”

“I'm not hungry, thanks. I'm not in the mood to eat.” Came the doctor's reply.

Maya shifted uncomfortably, unsure of what to say. After a few moments she sat down and regarded the distant expression on the blonde's face. “Is everything ok, sempai?” She inquired with concern.

“I had a bad day.” Ritsuko offered simply, as an explanation.

Captain Ibuki nodded, waiting a few moments for her mentor to elaborate. When she didn't, she felt a prompt was in order. “Would you like to talk about it?”

“I had an… argument with Pilot Ayanami.” The doctor explained, and after a thoughtful pause she continued. “She was rubbing it in my face about how she has both Ikaris wrapped around her little finger.”

Maya's brow furrowed in confusion. “Ayanami did? That doesn't sound like her… perhaps she is suffering some difficulties due to her S2 organ, like Shinji-kun is?”

Ritsuko scowled in offense as the girl seemed to be defending the `red-eyed bitch'. “She also told me that she knew that you had sex with her boyfriend, and she started talking about how she owned his heart and that he loved her passionately and she seemed to be warning you away from him. I think she might even try to hurt you, Maya-chan.” The doctor fabricated a tale.

The captain's mouth dropped open and her eyes widened in shock. “She… knows?! Shinji-kun told her?!”

“She said she sensed his energy inside you. So she didn't even have to ask him, she already knew.” Dr. Akagi stated in a `concerned' tone.

The young Ibuki shook her head uncertainly. “Rei-chan wouldn't hurt me… she likes me!” She protested.

Ritsuko made an exaggerated shrug motion, as if to say she had no clue what was going on. “Whether she would harm you or not, she is blackmailing me. She wants me to call her Ayanami-san and treat her with deference, or she'll report your actions with the young underaged Ikari-kun to his father. And I'm sure that's just for starters.” The doctor did her best not to smirk, marveling at her own brilliance.

Maya settled back listlessly on her coach, contemplating that. It just didn't make sense to her that Rei would threaten the doctor over her. `If Ayanami is upset about what we did, which is understandable, why didn't she come to me about it? Why get sempai involved? Something just isn't right about this. Rei-chan is a sweet girl… isn't she?'

After thinking that the captain shook her head. “I can't let you take the fall for me, sempai. If Ayanami wishes to inform the commander about my actions, she can do so. I can't let you suffer for my mistakes.”

Dr. Akagi frowned. She hadn't expected the girl to be so willing to take accountability for her actions. So this called for a revised plan. “We can deal with the little bitch ourselves. Then we won't have to worry about what she will or won't tell the commander.”

Maya tilted her head and gave her mentor a quizzical look. “What? You don't want to hurt Ayanami-chan, do you sempai?!”

Ritsuko glanced around, even though they were alone, and then leaned closer to speak in a soft conspiring tone. “Not her directly. The Dummy Plug system. No… if I hurt her, Gendo would kill me. If I destroy the Dummy Plug system… he'd be upset, but ultimately the system is useless now. Unit 01 won't accept it, Unit 00 is gone, and there are three pilots for Unit 02… four if you count Ms. Bitch herself. It's an acceptable loss. We'd just get slapped on the wrist. But Ayanami's usefulness would be over!”

Maya stared at the doctor in horror. She couldn't believe the older woman was saying all this! “Sempai, we can't do that! It's not worth it! I'll talk to Ayanami-chan. Surely she'll see reason. If she wants vengeance for my indiscretion with Shinji-kun, then let her have it on me and be done with it.”

Dr. Akagi growled, furious she was refused by her young protégé. “So you won't help me take my revenge on that little bitch?! Me, your sempai!? Don't you care about me at all?!”

Captain Ibuki shook her head sadly. “Sempai… I think you are just over-worked and overly stressed. This just isn't like you! Please, take a leave of absence. Get some rest and clear your head, ok?”

Ritsuko's hand lashed out and she slapped the young captain. “Of all the betrayals I've suffered through… yours hurts the most.” The doctor then walked out while the younger woman was still in shock from being struck.

Maya rested her hand on her sore cheek to soothe it, shaking her head in disbelief. “Sempai… I don't understand.” Tears fell unchecked from her eyes as she felt like she had betrayed the person she cared for most, and she didn't even understand how it happened.

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Rei stared silently at the boy across from her, an eyebrow quirked up slightly. “What is it you desire of me, Shinji-kun?”

A touch of a blush formed on the boy's cheeks. The innocent way she said it coupled with the implications, real or imagined, behind those words led his mind down a sordid path. He coughed nervously to clear his mind and give him a few moments to order his thoughts. “I just want… to know you.”

A slight amused smile edged the corners of the first child's lips up. “Know me… as in the biblical sense?”

Confusion washed over the young Ikari's face but then it was quickly replaced by an even darker blush than before as he realized what she meant. “Wha… no! Well… not no. But… that's not what I meant. I… Rei-chan…”

The smile grew, reminding the boy of when she smiled at him earlier that day, as well as so long ago after the fifth angel was defeated.

“You're teasing me? You… surprise me, Rei-chan.” Shinji admitted with admiration.

The blue-haired girl nodded. A moment later, she inquired “How do you wish to know me, Shinji-kun?”

“Well…” The dark-haired boy paused, wondering how best to approach this subject. “I know you so well, but at the same time… I don't know you at all.”

“And you believe it is possible to know someone better than this? Can you know me, when you do not know yourself?” Rei inquired, regarding the boy curiously.

The third child smiled and shook his head in wonder. “You always turn philosophical.”

The red-eyed girl narrowed her eyes slightly in confusion. “Is this wrong? Am I not supposed to have these thoughts?”

Shinji shook his head, his smile growing larger. “No, nothing is wrong with it. You have a beautiful soul. And your inquisitive mind is one of the things I adore about you. I am often too afraid to ask myself those kinds of questions. I respect your bravery.”

Now it was Rei's turn to blush. She glanced away so that she could focus her thoughts. “You… embarrass me, Shinji-kun.”

“I'm only speaking the truth, Rei-chan.” The boy informed her, a peaceful joy settling over his heart as he enjoyed the reaction to his words. It was in these moments that he saw her soul most clearly and when he found her to be the loveliest.

The blue-haired girl turned her eyes back towards the third child. “You do not speak truth. You said you were afraid. You imply that you are a coward. You are not.”

Shinji frowned and looked away, feeling shame now. “No, it's true. I'm a coward. I always want to run away. I'd rather crawl into a hole and be alone then to reach out to others, because I'm too afraid of being hurt.”

“You reached out to me. It was the strength of your heart that saved my life, Shinji-kun.” Rei assured him.

“I… well that was… because… I… well… ah…” The third child couldn't put a coherent thought together, he was so flustered.

A touch of a smile came to Rei's lips as she observed the boy's predicament. “Words are fragile creatures. Is it not strange that we can understand the meaning of a word, even when we do not understand the concept? But it is the naming of things that give us power over them, so that we may begin to unlock their mysteries.”

Shinji laughed softly. “Philosophical again. You have such a curious soul, Rei-chan.”

The first child glanced away, embarrassed again. “For a long time… I did not believe I had a soul of my own.”

The blue-eyed boy looked up at the girl, surprised. “But now you do, right?”

“Yes. I have seen it.” The red-eyed girl responded, as if she were telling him that she saw a bird at the window.

Somehow, for Rei, it was not hard to believe that she had indeed seen her soul. Shinji smiled. “What was it like?” He inquired, genuinely curious.

Rei paused thoughtfully, seeking the words that were sufficient to describe her most intimate of places. “It was… tranquil. And sad.”

Feeling self-conscious, but unsure why, the third child sat down on Rei's bed. “Sit for a while, Rei-chan?” He inquired as he tried to think of something that would make the quiet girl happy.

The first child moved silently to sit on the chair near the bed.

“Wait! Sit over here, Rei-chan!” The boy called out, impulsively reaching out to place a gentle hold on the girl's wrist. He had intended to sit on the far less comfortable chair himself if necessary. However, when he grabbed her so suddenly, the red-eyed girl lost her balance and fell backwards.

Rei blinked in surprise when she suddenly found herself sitting in the other pilot's lap sideways. To prevent her from slipping off and falling on the hard concrete floor, the third child had immediately wrapped his arms around the girl's slender waist. They stared silently into each other's eyes, a blush mirroring on both sets of cheeks.

Surprise, embarrassment, and a little fear passed through Shinji's mind. “Oh! I'm sorry.” He apologized.

“For what?” Rei inquired.

“Well…” The third child blushed, wondering how she could even ask that question. “I didn't mean to force you on me like this. I was only…”

The first child looked into Shinji's eyes, reading the conflicting emotions playing through those orbs. “Last year, when you fell on me. Do you remember what I told you?”

Shame brightened the pilot's cheeks as he recalled that event. “Hai. You told me to get off of you.”

Rei stared at the boy silently.

Shinji blinked in confusion, not comprehending her meaning. `Is that a hint to let her go, or is she saying she'd tell me to let her go if she wanted me to?' He wondered.

The first child watched the changes in the boy's eyes as he tried to figure out what to do. `It can't be that hard to figure out. Look into my eyes, Shinji…' The girl thought, wondering why he couldn't seem to read her eyes as she read his.

Doubt plagued the boy's mind and he started shifting to set her down, then he caught a change in the girl's lovely red eyes. `Disappointment. I know that look well. It is always how my father's eyes look.' Shinji realized his mistake, almost too late, and altered the readjustment so that his arms held the girl more securely. Taking a chance, he pulled her close into an embrace.

A few tense moments later, Rei snaked her arms around the back of the third child's shoulders and closed her eyes, feeling peace in her soul.

The blue-eyed boy sighed softly, but felt guilty because his body was noticing he was holding a beautiful girl closely, as she sat in his lap no less. He hated himself for the words he was about to speak. He would have strangled himself, if he could, so they stayed hidden in the damaged caverns of his heart, but he could not. “Rei-chan… I… don't want to come between you and Asuka-chan.”

Rei leaned back in the boy's loose embrace and fixed her eyes on him, confused.

“I want you to be happy.” He stated, though he knew it meant he would never be happy. The bitter truth was, though, he was accustomed to not being happy.

“I do not understand, Shinji-kun.” The first child stated honestly.

The dark-haired boy sighed. `A hundred angels… no… a thousand angels. Yes, I'd rather battle a thousand angels than say this. Why… why can't I just shut the fuck up? I can't do that to Rei though… or Asuka. They deserve better. Better than me.' He shook his head to clear his thoughts. “I can't force you to choose between us. If she makes you happy… and you make her happy, then you should be together.”

Rei raised an eyebrow. “Must I choose?” She inquired, a touch of a frown forming on her mouth.

Shinji fixed his gaze down at the floor. He didn't know what felt worse, trying to gracefully stand aside for the happiness of the girls, or trying to make it sound like she had to make a choice then. `Can't I just be happy for a while? If Asuka is hurt, I can step aside. Until then, won't I be making them unhappy? They will feel guilty for hurting my feelings, won't they? I have to think of them,too. Is it worse for them if I step aside now and likely cast a shadow on their relationship, or to wait until we all grow too attached to make a clean break? Why can't anything be simple?'

Making up his mind, the third child shook his head. `Maybe it's selfish. But I will probably never get to feel this way again… I want to hang onto it, if just for a while.' He embraced the girl again and told her “No, of course you don't have to choose.”

Rei smiled as she rested her head on the young Ikari's shoulder, happy that the issue was resolved.

Shinji inhaled and smiled. `This is the scent of Rei…' He nuzzled his face into the soft skin at the base of the girl's pale neck and placed soft butterfly kisses there, without even realizing he was doing it.

The first child let out a soft gasp as her eyes fluttered closed. Her arms tightened around the boy's shoulders, enjoying his warmth and attention.

The blue-eyed boy murmured something unintelligible as his kisses trailed up. He nibbled on the girl's delicate left earlobe, reaching a hand up to brush his fingers through the silky blue locks around the girl's right ear. “Rei-chan…” He whispered, lost in the moment.

“Mmm?” Rei tilted her head to the side, enjoying the affectionate attention and hoping it lasted.

“Mmm.” Shinji agreed, his mouth finding the girl's soft lips. On instinct, he moved her down so she was on her back and curled into her, his left arm cradling the girl's head with his fingers entwined in her hair as his right hand moved down, trailing over the pale expanse of the first child's stomach which their movements had unveiled.

The red-eyed girl sighed into the boy's mouth, only mildly caught by surprise when his tongue slipped past her lips. Her body seemed to remember how to kiss back, which was good because her brain was too busy enjoying the electrifying sensations that were rolling into it to remind her.

Shinji's fingers continued their journey upwards, sliding along several of the girl's ribs, eventually sliding directly underneath the cloth of her bra to cup the left breast he found there.

Rei's eyes shot open in surprise and she stiffened, unaccustomed to that sensation. It was nice… very nice.

The third child froze, thinking he had done something wrong or moved too fast. He lifted his head up and looked into the crimson eyes beneath his own wondering gaze.

A delicate blue eyebrow rose up slowly, inquisitively.

“I'm sorry.” Shinji whispered, afraid the girl was going to be angry with him.

Rei blinked. “For what?”

“I… I don't know.” He replied honestly. If she wasn't offended by his affectionate touches, should he feel sorry? The boy felt it might be best not to press his luck, however, so he rolled over onto his back, but kept an arm behind the girl's head in case she wanted to snuggle up against him.

The red-eyed girl looked at Shinji silently for a while. Eventually she settled onto her side, using the arm under her head as a pillow, finding more comfort in its warmth than in her normal headrest.

The third child sighed, feeling happy despite how disappointed his body was in him. “Familiar ceiling.” He murmured, feeling safe and at home here for the first time.

Rei raised an eyebrow up slightly, but chose not to comment on his strange statement. She felt happy, but her body was still tingling all over, and the sudden ending just left her feeling… incomplete. `What is this feeling? Is it… frustration? Longing? What is it?' She wondered.

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The sad thing is… I had my roommate perform that little “Grab-wrist” maneuver between Shinji and Rei on me so I could see if what I described was realistic. It was. His comment, “I'm glad you're so light.” Haha Next chapter: Oh Shinji… don't worry. You'll get better at reading a girl's cues. Maybe. Hopefully. Next chapter: Asuka has another therapy session… those are always fun. Ritsuko finds ways to vent her anger. Shinji and Rei… well… they get confused and stuff. All good fun. Beyond that, we'll see if anything fits in or not. Ciao!