Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ Only In Your Eyes Am I Worthy ❯ I'm a Mess ( Chapter 5 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Evangelion: Only In Your Eyes Am I Worthy

Required Disclaimer: Still no own. Still no money. Too evil for a conscience. I think I might just have some jelly donuts around here now, however… Enjoy and ponder on the glory of GAINAX! And stuff.

Chapter 5: I'm a Mess

Shinji stepped through the door into Rei's apartment carrying a bag full of groceries. “I'm home.” The boy said softly, in case Rei was still sleeping.

“Yes, I can see that.” The red-eyed girl replied from where she was sitting up in the bed.

The third child blushed and nodded as he set the bag he was holding on the kitchen counter. He winced in sympathy when he saw Rei's arm clutching at her cracked ribs. “The rest of the groceries will be delivered in the early evening. I was surprised to find that there is hardly anyone left in the city! Apparently most of the people moved out temporarily after your Eva unit self-imploded. Can you believe that? They were ok with fourteen angel attacks but the moment your Eva blows up, they leave. Though, it did damage a fair portion of the surrounding area.” The blue-eyed boy paused to smile over at the blue-haired angel. “Are you hungry? I brought lunch with me and there's enough in here for dinner as well as some drinks in case the delivery is after we want dinner.”

Rei nodded silently.

Shinji waited a few moments then realized the nod was in answer to his question about whether she was hungry. He pulled out a plastic bag that had two submarine sandwiches. He hadn't felt like cooking after what happened with Asuka. He needed time to decompress or he's go nuts. He wasn't sure why he was being overly cheerful but he figured he was putting on an act until he could curl up and cry somewhere private. “I didn't know what all you liked so I just asked for a veggie sub with everything on it. If there's something you don't like, you can pick it off. Do you want to eat where you are or would you like me to bring the chair to your end table? I wish you had a real table… maybe I should have one delivered?”

Rei motioned with her arm for help up. “I have to use the toilet.” She stated softly. `Why is he talking so fast? He is strange.' She wondered.

The third child set the sandwiches down and rushed over to her and knelt down so her good arm was slung over his shoulder. He grabbed her opposite hip and brought her up to her feet. One thing that made this so easy was that they still synchronized their movements so well. They silently made their way into the wash room and Shinji helped sit her down on the toilet. “Are you ok?” He asked, about to walk out to give her privacy.

The first child grimaced in pain when she sat up a bit to pull her shorts down and paled even more than usual from agony when she tried to pull them and her panties down with her one arm. “Shinji-kun…” She gasped.

“Ssh… I've got it.” The young Ikari said with unusual tenderness, kneeling down to help her with her problem. He leaned forward to help pull her shirt up a bit more since the bottom of it was still caught under her hips then took a step back. “I'll be right outside. Let me know when you're done.”

Rei nodded and went about her business, sighing in relief and nearly crossing her eyes. `I cannot believe I held it for that long. I exhausted myself trying to get up on my own. I had thought I would be feeling better after some sleep but I should have used the toilet before Shinji left.' She reached over to the tissue paper and cleaned herself, though it made pain lance through her side. She didn't want to have to argue with Shinji to try to get him to do it for her. He had some strange problem with touching her there, even for sanitary purposes. “I am done, Shinji-kun.” She said softly. She waited for nearly two minutes and frowned and thought `I hate repeating myself.' “ I am finished, Shinji! ” She yelled, gasping from the exertion.

Shinji rushed in and silently helped her straighten her clothes back out. “You shouldn't yell so loud, Rei-san. You'll hurt yourself.”

Rei grit her teeth but didn't allow herself to express her anger. “I called for you and you did not hear me. Do not close the door next time.”

Shinji blushed slightly. “Oh, sorry Ayanami.”

The girl's red eyes narrowed a bit. “Ayanami? Are you going formal on me again, Shinji-kun?”

Shinji looked confused for a moment but didn't reply. He helped her back to her bed which had the only surface large enough for them both to eat comfortably. “You don't mind a sandwich, do you?” He asked.

“I do not think I have ever had one before.” Rei replied, eyeing the two sandwiches. “Which one is mine?”

“Take your pick. One is wheat bread and the other is rye.” The third child replied.

“But which one does not have meat on it?” The blue-haired girl inquired as she thought `He can be so dense at times.'

“Neither of them. They're both made the same way. The only difference is the bread used.” Shinji answered, waiting patiently for her to choose. He unrolled them both so she could see them. “Which one would you prefer?”

Rei looked back and forth between the sandwiches. “I have never had either bread. I do not know the difference between the two. And I am not sure if I can eat the whole thing.”

Shinji snapped his fingers which garnered the girl's attention and she watched him retrieve a knife from one of her drawers and cut both sandwiches in half. “We'll split them so you can try both breads. Next time you'll know which you prefer. Of course, they have other types of bread as well. It's a fairly cheap but filling lunch. Now, what would you like to drink? I got some apple juice, some cranberry juice, some tea, some…”

“Water, please.” The first child requested, taking half of the rye sub since it was closer to her good hand.

The blue-eyed boy sighed. `I buy all these fruit juices, most of which I've never even had because they're so expensive, and she wants water. Just my luck.' He filled a glass of water and handed it to her and poured some apple juice for himself. “Do you need help holding that? You look a little… hesitant.”

“I'm trying to figure out what all is on it and how much of it I recognize.” The first child replied. The dark-haired boy chuckled dryly and lifted the top half of the sandwich and pointed out and named all the toppings. Rei frowned at the cheese. “Cheese comes from animals, Shinji-kun.” She reached for it to pull it off, which would pull all the toppings off.

“It's vegetarian cheese. Not real cheese. I have no idea what it's made out of but they insisted that it doesn't come out of any animals. If you don't like it or would rather not try it I'll pull it off carefully so all the toppings don't fall out.” Shinji said softly. `I really don't want to know how they made cheese without milk.'

Rei frowned and nibbled at the edge of the cheese and chewed it and seemed to pause for nearly a minute before she swallowed. “It is mostly soy, I think. It is agreeable.”

They ate in silence for several minutes and the third child wasn't surprised to see Rei reach for the wheat sub. Despite her thin frame she had barely eaten anything for nearly a day except for the soup that morning. After they finished the meal, the third child helped cleared the bed off and helped her to shift around to a more comfortable position. “Rei-san, you seem… weaker than you were this morning.” The blue-eyed boy observed, growing a bit worried.

“I suppose I am. I'm getting better, however.” Ayanami replied softly. As she leaned back against the pillows to get comfortable, a brief glimpse of her stomach showed, revealing an ugly looking bruise.

“Rei!” Shinji cried, earning a blink from the girl. “Um… can you lift up your shirt please?”

The first child stared at him blankly for a moment and then lifted her shirt up with her uninjured arm, nearly sliding it off. Though they were in plain sight, the blue-eyed boy wasn't looking at her pert breasts, he was looking at the large… make that huge bruise on her abdomen. “Is something the matter with my chest?” Rei inquired.

The third child shook his head. “No, with your stomach... there's a huge bruise on it that wasn't there this morning. Rei… you could have internal bleeding! I think we should get you back to the hospital.”

“ No! ” Rei cried, which made her cough. Had she allowed herself to, she would have looked sheepish for her outburst. “Um, I do not want to go back. Besides, now that I know it is there I know why I am not healing faster. Trust me, the bleeding has stopped. The bruise will fade.”

Shinji gave her an odd look. “Are you sure ? I don't want to risk your life if you're not absolutely certain.”

“I am certain, Shinji-kun.” The first child replied. “I do not lie.”

“I didn't… never mind. Ok. You should rest some more. I'm going to take a shower.” The blue-eyed boy said, walking towards the bathroom before he paused. “Do you need anything before I bathe?”

“I am fine. I did not sleep very much while you were gone. I will take the chance now to remedy that.” Rei replied in a monotone with her eyes closed.

Shinji started to close the door behind him then stopped himself, even though it embarrassed him to have it open. “Call if you need anything, Rei-san. I'll leave the door open so you don't have to raise your voice.”

The young Ikari stepped into the shower, not waiting for a reply for her knew her well enough to know he wouldn't receive one. It didn't bother him as much as it use to. He turned the shower on and stepped in after the water had warmed a bit. He scrubbed his face, making sure that there was no more of Asuka's… residue left on him. He kept scrubbing, feeling dirtier than even that morning when he had the dried and ripened LCL all over him. He slumped down into the corner of the shower and started to cry, oblivious to the water raining down on his body.

Rei's eyes opened and squinted slightly in confusion. `What is this feeling? Is it mine? I feel… sad? No… I do not know the word for it. Wait… is Shinji crying? Perhaps that is what I am feeling.' The first child listened for several minutes and found that she was curious at what was causing the third child's grief but knew it wasn't her place to ask. Therefore she closed her eyes again and concentrated on resting and letting her ribs heal.

A while later the girl's crimson eyes opened again and a frown formed on her lips as she tried to determine what had awoken her. Then she heard the sound again… a knock. Rei straightened up and winced. Her ribs were still pretty bruised, though her enhanced healing had taken care of the worst of the fractures.

The blue-haired girl looked around and wondered where the third child was. “Shinji-kun?” She called in a soft voice. `Is that… the shower running?' She glanced at the clock and was shocked to see it was early evening. `Is he taking another shower? Or… no. He could not still be in the shower from this afternoon…' She wondered.

“ Shinji-kun !” The first child called, gasping in pain from yelling. She waited several moments then groaned. `Why is he not coming out? Someone is at the door, likely with the groceries.' “Come in!” She called towards the door with a gasp of pain.

A moment later the door slid open slowly and an older gentleman peeked in. “Grocery delivery for Ayanami-san?”

Rei nodded. “I am injured. Could you please bring them inside and place them upon the counter?”

“Of course!” The man replied, smiling. He pulled a large cart in behind him and started placing the bags on the counters and floor. He came into the bedroom area when he was done and gave the girl a concerned look. “Are you ok? Do you need anything else? I could arrange to have some medicine sent over.”

Rei shook her head. “I am fine, thank you. But, could you check on my caretaker in the bathroom? I have been asleep but it is possible that he has been in the shower for seven hours now.”

The man frowned and walked back into the kitchen area and opened the sliding door leading to the wash area. A moment later he knocked on the door without looking in and waited for a few moments before peeking in to the bathroom. “Oh my god!” He cried as he rushed into the bathroom.

The first child stared at the bathroom door. She was scared, though she didn't show it. She was dreading to know what happened, but she had to know. “What is it? Is he ok?”

The man carried a naked Shinji out of the wash room and looked around. “Is there someplace I can set him? He's freezing.”

Rei grimaced and slid out of the bed, momentarily losing her balance and crying out in pain when she stumbled against the wall and into her injured arm. “On the bed.” She gasped out, bending over at the waist and clenching her eyes together in agony. `I must… block the pain out… must not show… weakness. Ooooh this hurts!'

The man set Shinji down and looked at her worriedly. “Are you ok, ma'am?” At the girl's insistent nod he turned his attention to the third child. “Be right back.” The man hurried into the kitchen and looked through the bags there until he found what he was looking for. A box of bandages. He grabbed a pair of scissors that was hanging from a nail over the sink and rushed back and cut some bandages and wrapped them around Shinji's right wrist and forearm. “I don't think he did any permanent damage but perhaps I should get some medics to come check him out?”

The red-eyed girl frowned. “What? Why? What is wrong with him?”

“He's got a mess of cuts on his arm. There was a razor blade next to him. I think he tried to kill himself.” He replied.

Rei gasped, in spite of her normally stoic nature and moved forward. “Let me see!” She whispered, reaching for the bandages and wincing in pain.

“Whoa there… hold on. If you must look, let me unroll the bandages. The cold water made the wounds quit bleeding but we don't want them to reopen.” The deliveryman slowly unwound the bandages and turned Shinji's arm so that the first child could see the multiple slashes on his arm.

The blue-haired girl frowned. “He was not trying to kill himself. All the cuts are superficial and width-wise, not length-wise. He would have slashed his ankle or perhaps his thigh if that was truly his intention.” In her own private thoughts, she continued. `I should know… I researched the best ways to commit suicide. It seems like ages ago… but it wasn't all that long ago, really.'

“Doesn't look like he was thinking too rationally there, little girl.” The man stated skeptically.

The first child scowled at him, though the expression was just a slight down-turning of the corners of her mouth. “I can see that. But I surmise that he was seeking a release of endorphins or perhaps he was just seeking sensation or pain. He was not trying to kill himself.”

The man shrugged. “So, should I call a medic?”

“That will not be necessary. He will be fine in the morning. Thank you for your assistance, sir.” Rei replied, her stoic mask returned. `Why did you do this, Shinji?'

The man hesitated for a few moments but a cold stare from the first child made him decide it was time to head home. “I'll send the bill to the usual place.” The deliveryman stated.

Rei didn't respond, ignoring him as he left. `Has that man delivered here before? I guess I never bothered to remember him.'

The first child frowned and chewed her lip thoughtfully. She still needed rest but Shinji was curled up on her bed now, still shivering despite the covers drawn over him. She would sleep in the bed that was meant for the third child, but she hadn't been able to reach anybody for a delivery. She now realized that it was because so many people had left the city of Tokyo-3 . “This will complicate matters.” She stated quietly to herself.

The red-eyed girl walked slowly into the kitchen and found a microwavable vegetarian bowl that she could prepare for dinner since Shinji was in no shape to cook for her and she didn't know how to make anything more complicated than instant noodles. She ate quietly and tried some of the apple juice that Shinji had opened earlier then yawned as she felt fatigued again.

Rei made her way back into the bedroom and frowned down at the blue-eyed boy for a few moments and then decided that she could fit on the bed as well and hoped that Shinji didn't roll over and hit her with his arm. She tossed her clothes on the floor and wondered how she had been able to sleep in them earlier as she lay on her back next to the slumbering Ikari. She stared up at the ceiling for a little while then let her eyes close as she drifted off to sleep once more.

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Kaji opened his door and peered out carefully to see who was visiting him at such a late hour. “Misa-chan?” He asked in surprise. She looked quite upset. He opened his arms expecting her to rush into them, but instead she brought a gun up and leveled it at his head. The spy blinked in surprise then backed away slowly. “I see…” He said softly.

“I've been ordered to kill you for being a spy, Kaji.” Major Katsuragi pronounced in a hoarse whisper.

Kaji grinned, despite the gun that was pointing at him. “I must say, I'm surprised that it's you, Misa-chan. But, perhaps that is for the best. The last face I'll see will be a friendly one.”

Misato's eyes twitched as tears began falling from them. She wanted to ask why, but she knew the answer to that. She wasn't that naïve. The commander had already known of the man's `extracurricular activities', so obviously he had either outlived his usefulness to NERV, or he had stumbled upon something he wasn't supposed to. Either way… “So I guess there's no choice.” She stated in a choked whisper.

Kaji shrugged and sat down on his bed and leaned back casually. “I guess that's up to you, Misa-chan.”

The major's teeth clenched. “Stop calling me that, you bastard! I have to kill you and you're acting like this is a date or something!?”

Kaji chuckled softly. “A date with destiny, I suppose. Well, pull the trigger if you must. I forgive you, Misa-chan. Perhaps you'll even be able to muster up a smile? That would make this worth it.”

Misato burst into tears and her arm dropped limply at her side. “Is there any alternative?”

The triple agent shook his head in bemusement. “I don't know. Is there?”

The major clenched her teeth and brought the gun up and stared down the barrel at Ryoji's loving gaze. “Aren't you at least angry that I'm the one who was sent to kill you!?” She demanded.

“I'm not the one who will have to live with it. I fully expected to die. I am not afraid. As I said before, I'm actually glad it's you. You can either make it quick or slow, it's your choice. If you choose to make it slow, I'd appreciate it if you held me until I passed. I can't think of a better way to go than cradled against your heaving bosom.” He stated in a loving and sultry tone.

Misato grimaced and lowered the gun. “You're making this harder on me. Do you have any beer?”

Kaji shook his head. “Sorry. I would have bought some if I had known you were coming.”

The major sighed and holstered her gun. “I think it's time I quit drinking anyway.” She stated, though a moment later she thought, `Well that's just crazy talk!'

Kaji couldn't suppress the laugh that issued forth. “You'll quit drinking when you're in the ground, Misa-chan.”

She smirked and walked forward and knelt down to wrap her arms around him and laid her head on his chest. “I just want to hold you for a while.”

Kaji glanced down at the gun. He could have reached down, taken the gun, shot her in the leg, and ran off to freedom. He could have just pushed her away and taken off and hoped she didn't shoot him in the back. But he wasn't going to do any of those things. Instead, he wrapped his arms around her and stroked her hair.

She looked up at him with tear-stained eyes. “Make love to me as if it were our last time.”

Neither of them wanted to say that it would be the last time, so he simply nodded and they slowly undressed each other, taking their time. They moved over and against each other in slow gentle movements, using the chance to be close and not worrying about climaxing. They fell asleep in each other's arms, Misato's tears still falling even in her sleep. The hole that seemed to be a permanent pit of despair in her heart was still unfilled.

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Ritsuko checked her readings on the Magi system again and poked her head out of Caspar's casing. “Are you still picking up a low level blue pattern from inside the city?” Dr. Akagi asked, using the sleeve of her lab coat to wipe the sweat from her brow.

Lt. Maya Ibuki checked and double-checked her readings before replying. “Hai, sempai! It's barely registering, but it's there. Is it possible that the 17 th angel is here already?”

Ritsuko shook her head and frowned in thought. “No, I doubt it. There must be some interference. Can you get a fix on its location?”

Maya shook her head. “It's too weak. But… I think it may be coming from the developmental district.”

The doctor stood up and walked over to look over Maya's shoulder at the readings she was looking at. Maya glanced up at the doctor for a moment with a bit more than admiration then quickly turned back to her work before Dr. Akagi noticed the look. “I think it's just residual radiation from the 16 th angel. I'll send some NERV units out to scout the area, just in case though. Good job on noticing it, Maya-chan.” Ritsuko lay her hand on the girl's shoulder for a moment before she walked back over to Caspar to close the casing up and lower it back down, taking the sigh as one of happiness from being praised. `It's probably Rei using a low amount of her S-2 organ capacity to heal herself more quickly. I'll have to contact her and tell her to tone it down or she'll set the MAGI off. Wouldn't that just be great to get the whole city in a panic over an angel that won't attack, all because Ikari's little doll has a booboo?'

“Thank you, sempai!” The cute lieutenant breathed, smiling at the doctor.

Dr. Akagi sipped some coffee and retuned the smile as an afterthought, looking at a clipboard before turning her gaze up at Units 01 and 02. “After Pilot Ayanami recovers, perhaps we should see if she can synchronize with Unit 02. I'm not sure if we want to place our trust in Soryu's abilities without a backup. It's too bad Unit 00 couldn't be easily salvaged. They're placing what's left of it into a regeneration tank to see if they can heal the biological components, but it'll probably take several months. And it would take at least that long to get all the replacement mechanical parts and armor plating… I doubt the next angel will twiddle it's metaphorical thumbs waiting for us to get ready.”

“At least there's only one more angel, sempai. Then this will all be over.” Maya observed, turning in her chair to look at the doctor.

The blond doctor nodded absently. “That may be a mixed blessing. These past few angels have been nearly unimaginably powerful. If this last one follows the same pattern, it may be able to destroy us without even getting close enough for us to do anything about it. We don't even have the Lance of Longinus anymore, if it attacks from orbit.”

Lt. Ibuki chewed her lip nervously, considering that. “We should hope for the best and prepare for the worst, right sempai?”

Ritsuko smiled and nodded. “Correct.” Maya looked like she was mentally debating whether to say something, so the doctor finally asked, “What's on your mind, Maya-chan?” The last time she had used san instead of chan, the girl had silently cried for an hour. Ritsuko had said it without thinking about the fact that it was insulting to call a close friend `san' but it had been unintentional. Well, it hadn't really been accidental. She just thought it had been unprofessional to use such an endearing tone while in Central Dogma with Commander Ikari observing them. However, she would not make that mistake again. She found it rather upset her to see her young protégé cry.

The young lieutenant took a deep breath and asked a question that had plagued her mind for weeks. Well, one of the questions, at any rate. “Why isn't there going to be an 18 th angel attack, sempai?”

Dr. Akagi was shocked at the question. `I underestimated her. I am impressed.' She thought before replying aloud, “Well… the dead sea scrolls only predicted 17…”

“I have heard the term `The eighteenth angel' before, sempai. Surely it's related. It came from somewhere, am I mistaken?” Maya pressed.

Ritsuko felt like laughing. “Yes, you are right. There has been an eighteenth angel mentioned.”

“Is it… Lucifer?” Lt. Ibuki asked in a near whisper.

The doctor closed her eyes for a moment and smiled. “No, Maya-chan. Not in the way you mean. The eighteenth angel is man, or will come from man. That part is unclear. But we do not think it will be an attack in the sense that the other 17 will come. But, for all intents and purposes there are only 17 angels. No mention of the 18 th is to leave this room, am I clear?”

“Hai, sempai! Of course. I was just curious. I didn't doubt you or Commander Ikari or anyone else, I just…” Maya stammered.

“I know. If you weren't so curious and eager to learn, I never would have taken you under my wing. I'm proud of you for being so astute, Maya-chan. Your shift is over in a few minutes, right? Would you like to have a meal with me? I need to unwind a bit.” Ritsuko was about to add some more to her question but the bright smile on the younger lady's face made her pause there.

“Hai, sempai! I would love to! I mean… um… I would be honored.” Maya blushed and turned away, finishing up the last of her work.

A few minutes later Shigeru strolled in and waved nonchalantly as he took his post after grabbing a cup of coffee. “Good evening, ladies. Is there anything I should know other than what is listed in your official shift report?” He asked as he stretched and yawned.

He was updated on the strange low level blue light signature and a few other minor details from Maya's shift before the doctor and the lieutenant took their leave. Shigeru yawned and stared blankly at the controls for a while. “Another boring grave shift. I wish I could bring my guitar.”

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