Fan Fiction / Zoids Fan Fiction ❯ Bandits ❯ chapter7 ( Chapter 7 )

Van: I can't believe you wrote a poem about Raven. No wait, a song AND a poem!

HealerAriel: *innocent look* So-o?

Irvine: So what's he got that we don't?

HealerAriel: He's...hot.

Van: I thought you said I was hot?

Irvine: Yeah, me too!

Bit: *coming into the room with a big-ass bag of candy* Me three!

HealerAriel: Exceedingly bad pun, Bit. And Van, the thing is that you and Bit are hot in a nice way. Raven and m'boy Irvine are hot in a naughty way.

Irvine: Hell of an ego-boost, Erin ^_~

Van&Bit: NOW IRVINE'S ALLOWED TO CALL YOU BY YOUR FIRST NAME?! WHAT ABOUT US?!

HealerAriel: Uh, Irvine has...special circumstances. ^_^;

Van: Oh, what's next, he gets to sit on the couch like Raven's kid form?

HealerAriel: If he's a good boy. Or a bad boy, depending on my mood.

Van: Irvine, you man-whore.

Irvine: Yep. And oh, the privilages I get.

Bit: *who has only been silent because of the candy he's been shoveling into his mouth* Where do I sign up, Irvine? I wouldn't mind being a love slave if it begets good payment.

Van: Oooh, big words for an idiot, Bit.

Bit: Yeah, I---HEY!

Van: *evil chuckle*

HealerAriel: I wouldn't make fun of Bit if I were you, O Lieutenant Flyheight.

Van: Why?

HealerAriel: Because there's a chance that he is, in actuality, a descendant of yours.

Van: O_o This moron?!

HealerAriel: This moron.

*Bit looks up from his snacks, flashes a charming grin, and goes back to his snacks*

HealerAriel: *sigh* This incredibly cute moron, who has won my heart despite his lack of common sense.

Bit: I love you.

HealerAriel: I love you, too, Bit. You're an imbecile sometimes, but I love you.

Bit: *grins at Van* See? I may act like a doofus, but I know that flattery and sucking up are the way to a girl's heart.

Van: Yet you still get chased and beaten up by Leena, don't you?

Bit: That's mutual flirting, stupid. A little sado-masochist ritual, if you will.

Irvine: Sado-masochism. *nods* Whips and chains and handcuffs, baby.

Bit: You bet.

HealerAriel: ...Question. Why is it that no matter what, our conversation always turns into a discussion about sex?

Irvine: ...'Cause sex is awsome? And because you're just as perverted and horny as we are?

HealerAriel: I am not the one who broke into gibberish upon seeing Moonbay in her pajamas, and, oh yeah, asked her to take her top off.

Irvine: Aw, I felt that right here *puts his fist over his heart* You cause me pain, Erin.

Van: ....HOW DO YOU GET OFF SAYING BIT'S RELATED TO ME?

Irvine: -_-; It's taken him THIS long to come up with a comeback?

Van: Shut up. HealerAriel, answer me.

HealerAriel: You need a lesson in manipulation, Vannie-boy. You don't demand things from the authoress, you do like Bit and Irvine and charm me senseless.

Van: I bet Raven doesn't go out of his way to be charming...

HealerAriel: No, but he's a bad-boy, and bad-boys turn me on anyway.

Guys: Didn't need to hear that.

HealerAriel: Anyway *glares at the guys*, I'll share with you the reasons why some people think you and Bit are related, Van. 1) You both have Ligers, 2) Bit's Liger0 is the same color as Zeke, so somebody put the idea into my head that maybe Zeke managed to fuse permenantly with your Liger and create the Liger0 thus, and that explains why Bit has the same bond with the Liger0 as you have with Zeke-

Van: That's so weird, it almost makes sense...

HealerAriel: 3) You and Bit are both some of the best Zoid pilots in your respective time periods-

Bit&Van: *grin and high-five*

HealerAriel: *rolls eyes* 4) Abstract as it is, Bit has blond hair, and we all know that if you decided to reproduce, Van, it'd be with our resident large-breasted blonde Zoidian, Fiona-

Bit: Great-great-great-great-Grandma has some nice jugs ^_^

Van: WHY YOU LITTLE! *starts chasing Bit around the room with a hammer*

HealerAriel: And finally, you're both cute as hell for no apparent reason.

Bit&Van: *stop running around and flash identical adorable grins* Aww, you think so?

HealerAriel: *rolls eyes again* Boys...

(A/N- Eeeee! I got good reviews! Go me! *does a dance* And by the way, Certain-Reviewer-Whose-Name-I've-Forgotten, I am not bashing Van...well, yeah maybe I am, but I do truly love him, so I'm not making fun of him to be mean. I'm doing it because he's so fun to pick on. So keep in mind, it's with deep affection for the tasty Lieutenant Flyheight that I grill the heck out of his every screw-up. *grabs Van and hugs him*

Van: Get. Off.

HealerAriel: Well, fine, if you think Fiona's gonna get jealous...

Ahem! Anyway... Onto chapter 7!!!!)

"We'll see who's laughing now, Mercutio," Van muttered to himself as he snuck into the boy's room. (Irvine and Mercutio had gone back to bed after their condom water balloons had proved useless. It was, after all, very early in the morning.) "Do a parody of me, I'll show you, you punk," he growled quietly. He had to hold his laughter as he "decorated" the oblivious fourteen-year-old. Then he stood back and admired his work.

"Yeah, respect Van Flyheight!" he hissed, pumping a fist into the air. He thought for a moment. Irvine kinda had it coming, too... 'Ah, why the hell not?' he asked himself. He ran, snickering evilly, to Irvine's room, and dealt out some much-deserved revenge.

***

"VAN FLYHEIGHT!" The identical screams of rage echoed through the halls, and reached into the kitchen, where the girls sat in their pajamas drinking coffee.

"Sounds like Van's in for a good ass-kicking," Alandria mused, tossing back her third mug of high-octane java as running footsteps approached the kitchen.

"WHERE IS HE, THAT BASTARD!?" Irvine yelled after bursting though the kitchen door. Mercutio followed, his socks making him slip around on the linoleum floor so much that he actually slid into the refrigerator before being able to stand beside Irvine, fuming. The girls stared for a moment, then started laughing. Both guys were in boxer shorts and T-shirts, and both had been decorated with whipped cream, magic markers, honey, and feathers. The final touch? Neatly written on their foreheads was the incriminating phrase, "Van was here", followed by a big smiley face.

"Oh my," Moonbay giggled, once she'd composed herself a bit. "Van's got a dark side."

"I'm surprised that's what he used the whipped cream for," Alandria said, shooting a pointed look at Fiona, who had no idea what she was talking about. Everyone else, however, is not as naive and innocent as Fiona. Which is why there were soon three cries of,

"EWWWWW!"

"Sorry, couldn't help it," she replied, smirking.

"Where's Van?" Irvine growled. "I'm gonna kick his-"

"Well, hello, everyone," the man of the moment himself said cheerily, coming into the room in a bath towel (A/N- Oh, hell yes! ^_^). Fiona sort of stared. 'Sexy, sexy abs!' she thought. Then, 'No, bad Fiona!'

"I. Hate. You," Mercutio and Irvine said in unison, glaring daggers at Van. Van flashed a charming grin.

"So, I guess this is Irvine and Mercutio: zero, Van: about a billion, huh?" he said in all of his strangely endearing cockiness. He laughed at his own brilliance. Irvine looked utterly pissed.

"That's what you think," he muttered. He yanked Van's towel off, and handed it to Mercutio, who ran around the room holding it like a victory banner. Van was in shock. A loud whistle and a cry of

"Yeah, baby!" from Alandria snapped him out of it.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed.

"Looks to me like Van: negative two," Irvine informed, as Van tried desperately to find something to hide his finer assets among giggles from Moonbay and catcalls from Alandria. Fiona stared and blushed. Giving up, Van ran out of the room, screaming,

"YOU'RE GONNA GET YOURS, IRVINE!"

"HEY, HOW COME IRVINE GETS IT?" Alandria called after Van. "LADIES FIRST, LIEUTENANT!"

"Not what he meant," Moonbay informed.

"I know, but I still wouldn't mind some," Alandria replied, wiggling her eyebrows. It was now apparent where Mercutio had gotten this action from. Fiona pouted. Who was this little girl to hit on HER man? Wait a minute, HER man? What was she thinking?

"Huh?" Fiona asked. Alandria had been tapping her on the shoulder.

"Geez, girl, I think maybe the salty coffee's making you zone," she teased. "Heh. Nice package, no?"

"It's very impolite to speak about people like that, Alandria," Fiona informed. Sure, she'd been thinking the same thing, but at least she wasn't so...blunt about it.

"So what? Guys talk about women like objects all the time," Alandria replied. "You're telling me we can't return the favor?" Okay, she sort of had a point there.

"...That still doesn't make it right. We're ladies."

"Maybe you are, Fiona," the younger girl said. "I, however, do not allow the expectations of a male-dominated society to dictate my behavior."

"You're a bad-ass all the way, aren't you, Alandria?" Moonbay joked.

"Yep."

***

"I am not having a good day," Raven grumbled. That was a bit of an understatement. The past three months had basically sucked. Mainly because Reese didn't understand the phrase, "I want to break up", so he'd had to spend his time running away from her. Now he was out in the middle of nowhere, and his adoring ex was, undoubtedly, close behind him.

"I need to blow up or kill something," he said to himself. "That'll make me feel better." Shadow growled. His master had been blowing up various rock formations for the last few months, and he wasn't in a better mood yet. Then again, Raven was never actually in a good mood, so it wasn't that strange, really.

"You know what, Shadow?" the black-haired Adonis said. "I've come to a conclusion: I. Hate. WOMEN!" The organoid growled and nodded enthusiastically. "I mean, women are insane. Especially ex-girlfriends. Doesn't Reese understand that it's not fun anymore?" Shadow ignored this. Raven was talking to himself now. "DAMMIT! SHE'S A PSYCHO-BITCH!" Shadow sweatdropped, and decided to back away from his master veeery slooowly. No sudden movements are to be made around a madman, especially when he's ranting about his former girlfriend.

*Ooh, birdies,* Shadow thought, looking up at the sky. *Poor birdies,* he added, as Raven drew a gun.

"HAHAHAHAHA! DIE BIRDS! DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE!" Raven yelled, shooting like a lunatic at the flock of birds in the sky. Two-thirds of the flock squawked pitifully and fell to the ground like rocks. "AH, THE THRILL OF THE KILL!" Raven shouted happily. "I LOVE IT!"

*Master gets weirder and weirder,* Shadow thought, watching the young man pump extra bullets into the dead birds on the ground while laughing crazily.

"DIE!" Raven continued to yell, in absolute ecstasy. "HAHAHAHAHA! DIE!"

Shadow shook his metallic head. *Master needs some Prozac. Badly.*

"YOU ARE A SACRIFICE TO THE MIGHTY RAVEN!" the said master explained to the very dead birds on the ground as he now pelted them with large rocks (he'd used up all his bullets during his killing spree). "BE FLAT, YOU FEATHERY BASTARDS!"

*Master needs Prozac, a psychiatrist, and a straightjacket,* Shadow amended. Raven continued to viciously bash the bird corpses with rocks and scream about women and his love life. *Or maybe Master just needs to get laid.*

"YES! OH, IT'S EXHILERATING!" Raven shouted, standing in the middle of the circle he'd made of his crushed, bloody victims, with his fist to the sky. "I AM A HUNTER! I MUST KILL! I LOVE TO KILL! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" He cleared his throat and walked away.

"Well, come on, Shadow," he said in his usual monotonous voice. "It's getting late."

*Master is a raving lunatic,* Shadow observed, as he followed obediently. *I love Master.*

(A/N- *snicker* I loved writing that.)