Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Final Fantasy 7 remake ❯ Cloud rants about His scratch n sniff SOLDIER memoirs! ( Chapter 7 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: Evil Tifa 
Flashback with sephy. Sephiroth/Tifa revealed
Non Anime: Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Action / Adventure / Comedy / Romance | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 10.22.2002 | Pages: 1 | Words: 4.3K | Visits: 167 | Status: Completed
Flashback with sephy. Sephiroth/Tifa revealed
Non Anime: Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Action / Adventure / Comedy / Romance | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 10.22.2002 | Pages: 1 | Words: 4.3K | Visits: 167 | Status: Completed
The flashback comes in, showing Sephiroth, a tall man in a black cape tied around his waist with a thin leather belt, black pants and knee-high boots with metal plates on them and long silver hair with ice-blue (green?) eyes. (He hasn't seemed to change one bit now has he? You may think that but don't judge a book by its cover...) Cloud was standing around, bored to death, it was on a rainy day five years ago and they all were in a truck with two other officers, who are weak scumbags!
"Hey you alright?" Cloud asked one officer who was turning green and after Cloud asked him, the man puked all over Sephiroth's just-been-polished boots. "Okay...I guess not..." Cloud tried to hold back his laughter as Sephiroth wiped the 'shlop' off his shoes. "SCUMBAG!" Sephiroth smacked the guy with his sword, who fell unconscious. He stood there and sharpened the blade of his sword then. "Okay...So Seph...could you give me a briefing on the mission? ...Seph? Seph?" Cloud tapped Sephiroth's shoulder, who jumped onto his feet, "SHUT YER MOUTH SON OR I'LL KNOCK YOU ON THE BLOCK!" Seph looked at Cloud in his fighting stance and paused for a moment as Cloud stared at him like he had three heads. "Oh...sorry...I thought you were my grandma." he sighed and sat down to sharpen his sword again. "We're going to Nibelheim mountain and we're going to kill some nasty creatures that have been raping townspeople, they're really messing up the human race now up there." "Nibelheim... that's my hometown...YAY! I get to see my dear Tifa. She really is a wonderful lady" Cloud hopped around the place. "Please stop it." Cloud obeyed Sephiroth's request and sat down. "They got me new materia today! I can't wait to use it" Cloud grinned like an idiot and Sephiroth took one look at him and really had this urge to slap him across the face for some reason. "Just like a fat kid in a buffet line..." Sephiroth laughed, holding back his rage as well as he could. The truck stopped to a sudden halt, "Uhh...Sephiroth sir...there is an unidentified object outside. The truck driver shuddered at the thought of what it was out there. Cloud and Sephiroth went out to look and found...BUM BUM BUM! A giant sausage! Sephiroth hacked away at it and Cloud kept tearing chunks of it off and eating it. The helpless piece of meat didn't do any damage to Sephiroth and he had to bring poor Cloud back to life several times. Once it was killed, they did their little victory dance and when they did, Sephiroth cheered and ripped off his cape and swung it around.
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"Sephiroth 's strength is unreal...more powerful then you've ever heard." Cloud added. "Oh I know..." Tifa sat there staring up at the ceiling, sparks in her eyes, her chin resting in her hands and her elbows on her bent knees. "Oh come on...he only had like, 3000 something hits points, OI!" Aeris abruptly interrupted. "Umm...anyways..." Cloud continued...
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The flashback shows Nibelheim mountain all snowy and stuff. "It was all quiet in Nibelheim" Cloud narrated in a creepy voice. The scene then goes to him and Sephy in town. "So anyway...she's like 'omigod, you're like...so scary! Haha...preps suck" Sephiroth said and the officers laughed. Cloud didn't get it "I see..." he scratched his head. "So how does it feel to be back to your hometown? I wouldn't know because I've never had a hometown, I lived in a portable box. It helps get rid of claustrophobia, I decided to live a nomadic life and it was fun!" " Well...umm...It feels nice... I get to say hi to one of the greatest women in the world." Cloud smirked. "Anyways...what about your parents?" he continued. "My mother is a ten cent slu- I mean uhh.... Jenova and my father is half muffin, half minotaur" Sephiroth said sarcastically about that last part.
"Really?"
"No...."
"Oh...I see..." Cloud scratched his head yet again
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"Wait a minute! Isn't Jenova that thing in the shinra building that looked like an asshole on crack and had no head?" Barret interrupted. "Yep...that's be right...anyway...before I was so RUDELY interrupted!" Cloud continued
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Cloud stood by Sephiroth, "The mako smell is pretty bad here." Sephiroth had taken a whiff of air and it smelled like sulfur (NASTY SMELLIN' STUFF!) "Oh no....that must've been the burritos I had for breakfast, want some?" Cloud held out this gray chunky stuff that I think was supposed to be some kind of meat with chunks of nachos, which looked like cardboard sticking out of the meat and flies buzzing around it. It looked like it was something from Taco Hell. So that's what those farting sounds were...was what Sephiroth thought, remembering hearing disgusting sounds when first walking to the entrance to Nibel. "N-no thanks..." Sephiroth backed away from Cloud very slowly, step by step as Cloud devoured it, getting the nasty stuff all over his face. Sephiroth backed all the way up into a trashcan and fell backwards on it. "Ow." was all he had to say and stood up and brushed himself off. Cloud looked up at Sephiroth wiped his face off "You're in SOLDIER but you sure as hell have no manners, kid" Sephiroth shook his head "Now go play" he pushed Cloud along and walked off in a different direction.
Cloud was walking upstairs to Tifa's room and stole her pretty black undies and ran outside and over to Sephiroth, waving them. "Hey Sephy look! I got lucky!" he waved them in his face. "Ahh...who's the lucky girl?" Sephrioth chuckled at the thought of him being with a woman, the same thought aeris had. "A very special friend of mine named Tifa Lockheart" "Hmm....I think that's the name of that chick I hired to tour us...she sounds rather interesting...GIMME DAT!" Sephiroth snatched the underwear from him and ran around the well with the silky lingerie and took a whiff of the crotch of them "Ahh...that cleared my stuffy nose, I don't smell nasty mako smell, oh no!" Sephiroth slipped the underwear on over his pants. "Ooh..." he grinned, enjoying this a bit too much. He pulled them off and stuck him in his pocket. "Okay...let's get some rest" Sephiroth walked into the hotel and went to sleep and Cloud did too but woke up later in the night crying. Sephiroth woke up to get a glass of water but when he came in with it he saw Cloud crying "What happened to you? You lose the last of your burritos?" "Its not funny Seph! I had a dream you totally lost you mind and took my lady from me!" Cloud bursted out crying and fell into Sephiroth's arms and he just looked at him as if he had turned into a giant chicken. "Umm...it was just a nightmare...go back to sleep" Sephiroth pat him on the head and laid him down in his bed. "Read me a story" Cloud tucked himself in. "Tell yourself a story" "But I have no good stories" Sephiroth laid down "Go to sleep" "Read me a story!" "Shut up!" Sephiroth punched Cloud in the face so it knocked him out and Sephiroth fell peacefully back to sleep.
"The tour guide should be here any..." Sephiroth said the next morning, he was interrupted by the sound of soft footsteps, boots hitting the gravel. Of course he was right, for it was Tifa! She had on a black leather tank top with a croche' vest over it and a sombrero and the same black miniskirt she had been wearing forever and her knee high boots with metal plates on them. "Sorry I'm late I..." she paused and stopped dead in her tracks, staring at Sephiroth and then looking to the heavens whispering, "Thank you almighty one!" she laughed to herself and Sephiroth stared back, thinking the same thing. Sephiroth felt like pissing his pants when she had walked by him and her hair rubbed against him. Cloud ran over to hug her. "Umm...get away from me." Tifa slipped out of Cloud's grasp "Aww...come on!" Cloud begged and Tifa turned to him "Ever wondered what your sword tastes like?" she held her fist to his face and scowled. "Whoa...I don't want to find out..." Cloud backed away as Sephiroth laughed at him, glad he had hired her and Tifa was glad that she knew her way around the mountain well. "Be careful Tiff!" her dad shouted after her. "Oh please dad, you're too overprotective of me...I've got two men from SOLDIER with me for cripes sakes!"
"Hmm....alright...but I don't trust you with guys. Maybe I should..." "DAD! They're guys from SOLDIER! Chill out!" Tifa interrupted him.
"Fine..." he walked into the house and then Tifa threw off her vest, "Man! Finally! The old man's gone! He's a nice guy and all...but he can be annoying sometimes and he made me wear this stupid vest! But I'll keep the hat...its funny."
Sephiroth chuckled and the photographer dude snuck up behind Cloud and Sephiroth. "Mr. Sephiroth? Can I take a picture of...HEY! I'm talking to you!" the guy punched Sephiroth in the back because he was too busy staring at Tifa but when he got hit he turned around and unsheathed his sword, "WHADD'YA WANT??? CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY!!??" Seph then looked at the guy all cowered in the corner and Sephiroth cleared his throat, "No...."
"Why not?"
"Cause I don't like you..."
"Oh...Tifa get him to let us do it"
"Please Sephy?"
"Sephy?? I haven't been called that since I was a baby..." Cloud laughed once Sephiroth spoke, "The man who is half muffin half minotaur!" Cloud pointed and laughed, Tifa just looked at Sephiroth and quirked an eyebrow. "Don't ask..." "Okay...Please Sephy?? Take a picture? I'll give you a hug..." Tifa begged. "Well I don't..." then the word 'hug' came to him "OKAY!" Sephiroth ran over to strike a pose, Cloud did a cartwheel with no hands over and Tifa just...walked over coolly. "Okay...say...ICE CREAM" Tifa standing in the middle screamed "ICE CREEEAM!" and gave the finger to the camera with a pissed off look on her face and Sephiroth kissed Tifa's cheek and so did Cloud from the other side of Tifa. It was a really um...funny yet cute picture.
"Well...we should be going..." Sephiroth chuckled to himself a bit and told Tifa to lead them on. Once they fought several monsters, Tifa was standing there watching and very impressed with his strength and laughed at how Cloud kept getting knocked out and how Sephiroth had to keep bringing Cloud back with Life2. Tifa was so amazed at how weak Cloud was when she had then realized what true strength was she even fought with them a couple times to level up.
They had finally reached the old bridge but it had started to rock and began to fall apart once they had stepped upon it. As everyone started to fall, Tifa thought "No....not now..." and everything darkened. Cloud woke up by a shock and realized that Sephiroth had used Bolt3 on him "AHH! SHOCKY THINGS!" he ran around and realized his hair was even more spikey than it was "Hey...thanks!" he noticed Tifa was standing there and blushed "Whoa Tifa...didn't know you were up already" it was obvious that she and Sephiroth had awaken before he did. "Excuse me um...Mr. Sephiroth? We have one man missing" one of the officer men tugged at Sephiroth's cape. "I know it sounds cold...but we have to keep going, we have no time to search for him. "Oh..." Cloud walked up to Tifa "Morning lady!" he hugged her. "Uhh...." she looked down at him, her hair a little messed up and clothes out of place but Cloud was oblivious of what she was probably doing. "Well...we better get going" Sephiroth interrupted them. He then pushed Tifa along and allowed her to lead them on. So she did just that. They followed a long twisted path that was faintly familiar to Cloud. Tifa finally had led them into a cave with a mako fountain. "Wow...materia in its natural state..." Sephiroth stated and slowly approached it and Tifa followed. "Its so beautiful..." she looked at it in awe.----------------------------------------------------------------------- "Hey wait a second...OI!" Aeris abruptly interuppted, "Why didn't you go swim in the fountain and grow extra body parts?OI!" "Umm...it would've been fun to go skinny-dipping with three men along with me...no wait...actually just one very special person" Tifa replied. Cloud thought she was talking about him when she really meant Sephiroth. "Uhhh...err...anyway..? Is anyone listening to this anymore?" no answer to him so Cloud just decides to go on anyway. "Okay so..."--------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------"Materia makes you go WHOOSH" Sephiroth added to what he was explaining about all he knew. "Like drugs?" Tifa asked. "Yep" "Cool, I have a friend who likes materia...she lives far in a place called Wutai" "Well...I'll say hi to her when I get the chance, Tiffy" "Tiffy? Only my lovers can call me...hmm...okay I'll count you in" said Tifa since Sephiroth was someone she loved. "Haha. You call me Sephy so I call you Tiffy" Sephiroth smirked. "Magic...a mysterious power." Cloud said after what Sephiroth had said that finally sunk into his pea brain Sephiroth just burst out laughing and Tifa laid her head against the fountain with anime x's for eyes. "You're an idiot! HAHA!" Sephiroth pointed and laughed. Then it flashed to them walking up the path to the reactor. "Yay! Let's go play in the mako and hemorrhage and die!" Tifa said and started for the stairs to the entrance to the reactor but Sephiroth grabbed her by the skirt and pulled her back, his strong arms around her waist and locking her body against his. "Sweetie...you're gonna have to wait out here" said Sephiroth. "Aww man." Tifa growled and cursed. "Hey we'll be back for you" he pushed the officer to her. "Take GOOD care of her I'll have your head" Sephiroth unsheathed his sword partially just so he could warn him. "Yeah take good care of me or I'll eat your soul and drink your blood!" Tifa held her fists up to him. "Whoa...okay" Sephiroth then sheathed his sword and he and his spikey friend disappeared into the reactor. "Oh this'll be fun..." Tifa muttered. "Hey I'm thirsty...could I have a glass of water?" "Yes ma'am!" the man in blue uniform ran off and shortly after came back with a glass of water, "Oh can I have some ice with it?" Tifa asked sweetly. "Of course" he then runs off and comes back with ice in it. "Too many ice cubes" "Okay.." he ran off and came back with only one ice cube in it "Now there's not enough ice" Tifa grinned sweetly, trying to oppress her laughter. "O-okay..." getting a bit peeved, he walked off and came back with three ice cubes in it, "Oh...take one out..." "Okay..." he pulled it out with his dirty hand. "Ew...your hands are dirty, that water's no good now..." "ALRIGHT!" he stomped off and came back with a perfectly good glass of water with two ice cubes in it. "Oh nevermind...I'm not thirsty anymore" Tifa turned red from trying desperately not to laugh at the pathetic-ness. The man just growled and got ready to spill it onto her. "Ah no! Remember? You gotta take care of me not gimme' a brain freeze" she smirked. The uniformed man growled and just stood at ease beside her.
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Cloud climbed down the ladder and followed Sephiroth to the room of creepy monster people. Once he had arrived in the room, Sephiroth turned around and ordered him to close the valve. It was steamy in there and very warm. Cloud was now sweating and had a bad feeling about what was going to happen, he wished now that he hadn't come down here at all.
"Hahaha. ...NO!" Sephiroth turned around, scowling, "WHAT?" Cloud cowered. "Y-yes...master" he growled and did what he was told. "Now...insert broom lint into your belly button" "WHAT?" Cloud raised his one eyebrow. "I mean umm...forget that" Cloud just looked at him with his hands on his hips. "Why'd it open?" Sephiroth pondered to himself. "Maybe Tifa snuck in and opened it." "No she didn't!" Sephiroth replied hastily. "Okay okay." Sephiroth nodded and then jumped up to look in the window of the test tube thingy and landed back onto his feet. "I see...Hojo you fool...even if you attempt to do this, you'll still never be as good as Gast was." Cloud looked at Sephiroth strangely "Look into the window Cloud" so he did as he told and looked in, "HEY BABY!" a nasty looking monster said to him and laughed evily, Cloud fell backwards on his butt, wide-eyed, "HOLY SHIT! WHAT IS THAT THING!?" "This is an actual person... you see NORMAL people of SOLDIER are showered with mako but only a bit of it. This is an actual person exposed to a large amount more than you and I have been to." Sephiroth explained. "Normal members of SOLDIER? You mean you're not normal?" "Was I...?" Sephiroth drew his sword and swung it around like a little kid with a baseball bat. "Am I like all the rest of these mutated creatures!?" "Hey at least you have your good looks unlike them" Tifa appeared out of nowhere. "Yeah!" he brushed back his silver hair with his fingers and striked a pose but then doubletakes Tifa, "Hey! Aren't you supposed to be outside?" He yelled to her. "Alright Alright! I'm going!" Tifa disappeared. A roar was then heard and they all turned around to find one on the monsters broked out so...they kill it!
"After that, Sephiroth wouldn't talk to me or anyone else." Cloud added. Tifa was crying in Aeris' arms. Barret was interested and Red was very interested. "I thought things would get better but they didn't..."
"Hey Cloud, go check on Sephiroth, he's in the basement at the shinra mansion" one of his co-workers told him. So he ran outside and then made his way into the dark mansion. He looked around and found Tifa leaning against one of the walls. "This mansion's beautiful...But I fear something bad will happen, I can sense it" Tifa coolly threw her sweater over her shoulder and walked slowly, gracefully, out of the mansion. "Okay...I see..." he scratched his head and walked upstairs to see another officer at ease beside the bed in a bedroom, "I haven't clue where he went off to, he disappeared in here somewhere..." So Cloud examined the place and opened a door that was barely visible and inside was a spiral staircase going down. He sighed and descended the stairs, oblivious that it was the beginning of the end. Sephiroth was in the backroom of the basement, leaning back in a chair, reading a book and looking sad.
"He stayed in the basement for a long time, Tifa was the only one who seemed to be able to talk to him" Cloud narrated and looked to Tifa. She was sitting beside Aeris and staring into the flames of the burning fire before her. "Then one day..."
Cloud went back to go check on Sephiroth but got stopped by the same guy beside the bed. "I warn you...Sephiroth's not quite himself..." Cloud nodded and approached the door and opened it and walked down the long, spiraling staircase and to the backroom where Sephiroth lurked. His hand reached for the doorknob and just before touching it, he gulped. "Well...no point in chickening out now..." He opened the door slowly and walked in and heard Sephiroth laughed and he peeked into the office and saw hundreds of books everywhere, stacked like houses. "Hehe! Pretty book houses!" Sephiroth leaned back in his chair and then noticed Cloud and his smile went to a scowl. "Hmph...Traitor..." "Traitor?"
"Yes that's what I said..." he then told him that the ancients...or what they called the druids were his ancestors and Cloud's ancestors were the people who wanted to lead the easy life and that the ancients died because of them. "So...now you know." He concluded, Bewilderment was still in Cloud's eyes. "Ha...you fool. Out of my way, I'm going to go see my mother." he pushed Cloud into a bookcase and walked off. Cloud was now officially freaked out and followed him.
When he had reached outside, he saw the town was on fire. Tifa was running around with a fire armlet on, screaming and laughing, "You can't hurt me! Not with my...FIRE ARMLET! Ooh...its curing me, its almost as pleasurable as the time when Sephiroth...Nevermind." and after saying that, she decided to go after him. Cloud tried to catch her but she was too quick so after she dissappeared, he noticed Zangan standing there and was glad that at least he was alive. "You're still sane right? Help me check this place!" he ran into a house nearby him and Cloud checked his own house but backed out of it and shook his head just before part of the ceiling caved in. He then caught a dark figure out of the corner of his eye and turned to see Sephiroth killing a couple guys just by wacking him with masamune. He noticed Cloud and smirked in his own evil way and turned away, walking coolly into the red hell that we call embers. Cloud followed him to Mt. Nibel and once climbing down into the reactor, he saw Tifa beside her father's body, holding masamune and laughing. "YAY! I get his stash of weed and money! Oh... Sephy's sword." she waved it around and slashed at the air a couple of times and spoke in a dark voice, "I am the GOD OF HELL FIRE!" she laughed but then noticed Cloud and pretended to cry. "Oh no! Sephiroth killed you, daddy! Oh CRY oh SOB! BOO HOO!" she ran into the room where Sephiroth stood before the cell where Jenova lurked. "Mother, I have come for you, please open this door." Tifa caught sight of him and walked up to him. "Seph! Here's your sword!" she whispered. "Thanks, Love" he kissed her but he smile faded as quick as an infant's life possibly could."Cloud's coming! Here...this'll hurt me more than it does you." and within that, he slashed her, just in time for Cloud to see it. Tifa flew backwards, hitting the stairs with a soft thud, knowing that he didn't mean to but there was no other possible way that they could fool cloud. She laid there and breathed heavily and tears formed in the corner of her eyes. When Sephiroth noticed that, he felt very awful now that he had done that. He ran into the other room and dropped his head a few minutes but then looked up to Jenova.
Cloud picked up Tifa gently and carried her to the side and leaned her against one of the test tubes that held those creepy, perverted monsters. How he wished he had restore material. So he just comforted Tifa and then ran up the steps and into the room with Sephiroth. "Mommy! I've come for you!" Sephiroth held out his arms. Jenova just made squishy sounds at him. "Yeah...I agree, let's take this planet back together." he grabbed her head and carried it around all happy-like. Cloud drew his sword and Sephiroth noticed Cloud and drew masamune, "You think you can beat me foo'!?" he slashed at the air in front of him and Jenova made a squishy sound and puked on Cloud. Then Cloud puked on her!----------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------"That is the end of my story" Cloud finally finished. "What!? That's so pointless, OI!" Tifa didn't pay attention to the argument between Cloud and Aeris and just stared at those flames in the fire, and she swore she could've seen Sephiroth walking into the flames. "Earth to Tifa! Supposedly he's dead but that's just shinra news, never believe 'em... OI!" Aeris snapped Tifa back to reality. Cloud stood up and stretched. "Cloud...how badly injured was I?" Tifa asked in a soft voice. "I thought you were going to die, I was so afraid..." he stopped for a second and continued. "At least you're alive. Let's get going now... I want to pursue Sephiroth." and then within that, he walked out of the door, followed by Barret and then red got up and did a stretch that all cats do, "What a fascinating story..." he walked out the door and Aeris helped Tifa up. "Hey you're lucky ...OI! The man you love, loves you back...OI! Not to mention he sounds creepy just like us...OI!" "How'd you know?" "Isn't it obvious? Cloud's the only one who pretends not to know...OI!" "Yes...he is a helluva' guy Aeris." Tifa dropped her head, fearing that he was possibly dead. "Well... we better get going...OI! People will get the wrong idea about us...OI!" Tifa nodded and they walked out of the hotel and saw everyone. "Let's get going everyone." Cloud said and off they went.
----------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------BWAHAHA! Tune into another hair-raising adventure of FF7! Next shall be Chapter 8- Chasing after the sexy man in a black cape!
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"Hey you alright?" Cloud asked one officer who was turning green and after Cloud asked him, the man puked all over Sephiroth's just-been-polished boots. "Okay...I guess not..." Cloud tried to hold back his laughter as Sephiroth wiped the 'shlop' off his shoes. "SCUMBAG!" Sephiroth smacked the guy with his sword, who fell unconscious. He stood there and sharpened the blade of his sword then. "Okay...So Seph...could you give me a briefing on the mission? ...Seph? Seph?" Cloud tapped Sephiroth's shoulder, who jumped onto his feet, "SHUT YER MOUTH SON OR I'LL KNOCK YOU ON THE BLOCK!" Seph looked at Cloud in his fighting stance and paused for a moment as Cloud stared at him like he had three heads. "Oh...sorry...I thought you were my grandma." he sighed and sat down to sharpen his sword again. "We're going to Nibelheim mountain and we're going to kill some nasty creatures that have been raping townspeople, they're really messing up the human race now up there." "Nibelheim... that's my hometown...YAY! I get to see my dear Tifa. She really is a wonderful lady" Cloud hopped around the place. "Please stop it." Cloud obeyed Sephiroth's request and sat down. "They got me new materia today! I can't wait to use it" Cloud grinned like an idiot and Sephiroth took one look at him and really had this urge to slap him across the face for some reason. "Just like a fat kid in a buffet line..." Sephiroth laughed, holding back his rage as well as he could. The truck stopped to a sudden halt, "Uhh...Sephiroth sir...there is an unidentified object outside. The truck driver shuddered at the thought of what it was out there. Cloud and Sephiroth went out to look and found...BUM BUM BUM! A giant sausage! Sephiroth hacked away at it and Cloud kept tearing chunks of it off and eating it. The helpless piece of meat didn't do any damage to Sephiroth and he had to bring poor Cloud back to life several times. Once it was killed, they did their little victory dance and when they did, Sephiroth cheered and ripped off his cape and swung it around.
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"Sephiroth 's strength is unreal...more powerful then you've ever heard." Cloud added. "Oh I know..." Tifa sat there staring up at the ceiling, sparks in her eyes, her chin resting in her hands and her elbows on her bent knees. "Oh come on...he only had like, 3000 something hits points, OI!" Aeris abruptly interrupted. "Umm...anyways..." Cloud continued...
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The flashback shows Nibelheim mountain all snowy and stuff. "It was all quiet in Nibelheim" Cloud narrated in a creepy voice. The scene then goes to him and Sephy in town. "So anyway...she's like 'omigod, you're like...so scary! Haha...preps suck" Sephiroth said and the officers laughed. Cloud didn't get it "I see..." he scratched his head. "So how does it feel to be back to your hometown? I wouldn't know because I've never had a hometown, I lived in a portable box. It helps get rid of claustrophobia, I decided to live a nomadic life and it was fun!" " Well...umm...It feels nice... I get to say hi to one of the greatest women in the world." Cloud smirked. "Anyways...what about your parents?" he continued. "My mother is a ten cent slu- I mean uhh.... Jenova and my father is half muffin, half minotaur" Sephiroth said sarcastically about that last part.
"Really?"
"No...."
"Oh...I see..." Cloud scratched his head yet again
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"Wait a minute! Isn't Jenova that thing in the shinra building that looked like an asshole on crack and had no head?" Barret interrupted. "Yep...that's be right...anyway...before I was so RUDELY interrupted!" Cloud continued
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Cloud stood by Sephiroth, "The mako smell is pretty bad here." Sephiroth had taken a whiff of air and it smelled like sulfur (NASTY SMELLIN' STUFF!) "Oh no....that must've been the burritos I had for breakfast, want some?" Cloud held out this gray chunky stuff that I think was supposed to be some kind of meat with chunks of nachos, which looked like cardboard sticking out of the meat and flies buzzing around it. It looked like it was something from Taco Hell. So that's what those farting sounds were...was what Sephiroth thought, remembering hearing disgusting sounds when first walking to the entrance to Nibel. "N-no thanks..." Sephiroth backed away from Cloud very slowly, step by step as Cloud devoured it, getting the nasty stuff all over his face. Sephiroth backed all the way up into a trashcan and fell backwards on it. "Ow." was all he had to say and stood up and brushed himself off. Cloud looked up at Sephiroth wiped his face off "You're in SOLDIER but you sure as hell have no manners, kid" Sephiroth shook his head "Now go play" he pushed Cloud along and walked off in a different direction.
Cloud was walking upstairs to Tifa's room and stole her pretty black undies and ran outside and over to Sephiroth, waving them. "Hey Sephy look! I got lucky!" he waved them in his face. "Ahh...who's the lucky girl?" Sephrioth chuckled at the thought of him being with a woman, the same thought aeris had. "A very special friend of mine named Tifa Lockheart" "Hmm....I think that's the name of that chick I hired to tour us...she sounds rather interesting...GIMME DAT!" Sephiroth snatched the underwear from him and ran around the well with the silky lingerie and took a whiff of the crotch of them "Ahh...that cleared my stuffy nose, I don't smell nasty mako smell, oh no!" Sephiroth slipped the underwear on over his pants. "Ooh..." he grinned, enjoying this a bit too much. He pulled them off and stuck him in his pocket. "Okay...let's get some rest" Sephiroth walked into the hotel and went to sleep and Cloud did too but woke up later in the night crying. Sephiroth woke up to get a glass of water but when he came in with it he saw Cloud crying "What happened to you? You lose the last of your burritos?" "Its not funny Seph! I had a dream you totally lost you mind and took my lady from me!" Cloud bursted out crying and fell into Sephiroth's arms and he just looked at him as if he had turned into a giant chicken. "Umm...it was just a nightmare...go back to sleep" Sephiroth pat him on the head and laid him down in his bed. "Read me a story" Cloud tucked himself in. "Tell yourself a story" "But I have no good stories" Sephiroth laid down "Go to sleep" "Read me a story!" "Shut up!" Sephiroth punched Cloud in the face so it knocked him out and Sephiroth fell peacefully back to sleep.
"The tour guide should be here any..." Sephiroth said the next morning, he was interrupted by the sound of soft footsteps, boots hitting the gravel. Of course he was right, for it was Tifa! She had on a black leather tank top with a croche' vest over it and a sombrero and the same black miniskirt she had been wearing forever and her knee high boots with metal plates on them. "Sorry I'm late I..." she paused and stopped dead in her tracks, staring at Sephiroth and then looking to the heavens whispering, "Thank you almighty one!" she laughed to herself and Sephiroth stared back, thinking the same thing. Sephiroth felt like pissing his pants when she had walked by him and her hair rubbed against him. Cloud ran over to hug her. "Umm...get away from me." Tifa slipped out of Cloud's grasp "Aww...come on!" Cloud begged and Tifa turned to him "Ever wondered what your sword tastes like?" she held her fist to his face and scowled. "Whoa...I don't want to find out..." Cloud backed away as Sephiroth laughed at him, glad he had hired her and Tifa was glad that she knew her way around the mountain well. "Be careful Tiff!" her dad shouted after her. "Oh please dad, you're too overprotective of me...I've got two men from SOLDIER with me for cripes sakes!"
"Hmm....alright...but I don't trust you with guys. Maybe I should..." "DAD! They're guys from SOLDIER! Chill out!" Tifa interrupted him.
"Fine..." he walked into the house and then Tifa threw off her vest, "Man! Finally! The old man's gone! He's a nice guy and all...but he can be annoying sometimes and he made me wear this stupid vest! But I'll keep the hat...its funny."
Sephiroth chuckled and the photographer dude snuck up behind Cloud and Sephiroth. "Mr. Sephiroth? Can I take a picture of...HEY! I'm talking to you!" the guy punched Sephiroth in the back because he was too busy staring at Tifa but when he got hit he turned around and unsheathed his sword, "WHADD'YA WANT??? CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY!!??" Seph then looked at the guy all cowered in the corner and Sephiroth cleared his throat, "No...."
"Why not?"
"Cause I don't like you..."
"Oh...Tifa get him to let us do it"
"Please Sephy?"
"Sephy?? I haven't been called that since I was a baby..." Cloud laughed once Sephiroth spoke, "The man who is half muffin half minotaur!" Cloud pointed and laughed, Tifa just looked at Sephiroth and quirked an eyebrow. "Don't ask..." "Okay...Please Sephy?? Take a picture? I'll give you a hug..." Tifa begged. "Well I don't..." then the word 'hug' came to him "OKAY!" Sephiroth ran over to strike a pose, Cloud did a cartwheel with no hands over and Tifa just...walked over coolly. "Okay...say...ICE CREAM" Tifa standing in the middle screamed "ICE CREEEAM!" and gave the finger to the camera with a pissed off look on her face and Sephiroth kissed Tifa's cheek and so did Cloud from the other side of Tifa. It was a really um...funny yet cute picture.
"Well...we should be going..." Sephiroth chuckled to himself a bit and told Tifa to lead them on. Once they fought several monsters, Tifa was standing there watching and very impressed with his strength and laughed at how Cloud kept getting knocked out and how Sephiroth had to keep bringing Cloud back with Life2. Tifa was so amazed at how weak Cloud was when she had then realized what true strength was she even fought with them a couple times to level up.
They had finally reached the old bridge but it had started to rock and began to fall apart once they had stepped upon it. As everyone started to fall, Tifa thought "No....not now..." and everything darkened. Cloud woke up by a shock and realized that Sephiroth had used Bolt3 on him "AHH! SHOCKY THINGS!" he ran around and realized his hair was even more spikey than it was "Hey...thanks!" he noticed Tifa was standing there and blushed "Whoa Tifa...didn't know you were up already" it was obvious that she and Sephiroth had awaken before he did. "Excuse me um...Mr. Sephiroth? We have one man missing" one of the officer men tugged at Sephiroth's cape. "I know it sounds cold...but we have to keep going, we have no time to search for him. "Oh..." Cloud walked up to Tifa "Morning lady!" he hugged her. "Uhh...." she looked down at him, her hair a little messed up and clothes out of place but Cloud was oblivious of what she was probably doing. "Well...we better get going" Sephiroth interrupted them. He then pushed Tifa along and allowed her to lead them on. So she did just that. They followed a long twisted path that was faintly familiar to Cloud. Tifa finally had led them into a cave with a mako fountain. "Wow...materia in its natural state..." Sephiroth stated and slowly approached it and Tifa followed. "Its so beautiful..." she looked at it in awe.----------------------------------------------------------------------- "Hey wait a second...OI!" Aeris abruptly interuppted, "Why didn't you go swim in the fountain and grow extra body parts?OI!" "Umm...it would've been fun to go skinny-dipping with three men along with me...no wait...actually just one very special person" Tifa replied. Cloud thought she was talking about him when she really meant Sephiroth. "Uhhh...err...anyway..? Is anyone listening to this anymore?" no answer to him so Cloud just decides to go on anyway. "Okay so..."--------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------"Materia makes you go WHOOSH" Sephiroth added to what he was explaining about all he knew. "Like drugs?" Tifa asked. "Yep" "Cool, I have a friend who likes materia...she lives far in a place called Wutai" "Well...I'll say hi to her when I get the chance, Tiffy" "Tiffy? Only my lovers can call me...hmm...okay I'll count you in" said Tifa since Sephiroth was someone she loved. "Haha. You call me Sephy so I call you Tiffy" Sephiroth smirked. "Magic...a mysterious power." Cloud said after what Sephiroth had said that finally sunk into his pea brain Sephiroth just burst out laughing and Tifa laid her head against the fountain with anime x's for eyes. "You're an idiot! HAHA!" Sephiroth pointed and laughed. Then it flashed to them walking up the path to the reactor. "Yay! Let's go play in the mako and hemorrhage and die!" Tifa said and started for the stairs to the entrance to the reactor but Sephiroth grabbed her by the skirt and pulled her back, his strong arms around her waist and locking her body against his. "Sweetie...you're gonna have to wait out here" said Sephiroth. "Aww man." Tifa growled and cursed. "Hey we'll be back for you" he pushed the officer to her. "Take GOOD care of her I'll have your head" Sephiroth unsheathed his sword partially just so he could warn him. "Yeah take good care of me or I'll eat your soul and drink your blood!" Tifa held her fists up to him. "Whoa...okay" Sephiroth then sheathed his sword and he and his spikey friend disappeared into the reactor. "Oh this'll be fun..." Tifa muttered. "Hey I'm thirsty...could I have a glass of water?" "Yes ma'am!" the man in blue uniform ran off and shortly after came back with a glass of water, "Oh can I have some ice with it?" Tifa asked sweetly. "Of course" he then runs off and comes back with ice in it. "Too many ice cubes" "Okay.." he ran off and came back with only one ice cube in it "Now there's not enough ice" Tifa grinned sweetly, trying to oppress her laughter. "O-okay..." getting a bit peeved, he walked off and came back with three ice cubes in it, "Oh...take one out..." "Okay..." he pulled it out with his dirty hand. "Ew...your hands are dirty, that water's no good now..." "ALRIGHT!" he stomped off and came back with a perfectly good glass of water with two ice cubes in it. "Oh nevermind...I'm not thirsty anymore" Tifa turned red from trying desperately not to laugh at the pathetic-ness. The man just growled and got ready to spill it onto her. "Ah no! Remember? You gotta take care of me not gimme' a brain freeze" she smirked. The uniformed man growled and just stood at ease beside her.
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Cloud climbed down the ladder and followed Sephiroth to the room of creepy monster people. Once he had arrived in the room, Sephiroth turned around and ordered him to close the valve. It was steamy in there and very warm. Cloud was now sweating and had a bad feeling about what was going to happen, he wished now that he hadn't come down here at all.
"Hahaha. ...NO!" Sephiroth turned around, scowling, "WHAT?" Cloud cowered. "Y-yes...master" he growled and did what he was told. "Now...insert broom lint into your belly button" "WHAT?" Cloud raised his one eyebrow. "I mean umm...forget that" Cloud just looked at him with his hands on his hips. "Why'd it open?" Sephiroth pondered to himself. "Maybe Tifa snuck in and opened it." "No she didn't!" Sephiroth replied hastily. "Okay okay." Sephiroth nodded and then jumped up to look in the window of the test tube thingy and landed back onto his feet. "I see...Hojo you fool...even if you attempt to do this, you'll still never be as good as Gast was." Cloud looked at Sephiroth strangely "Look into the window Cloud" so he did as he told and looked in, "HEY BABY!" a nasty looking monster said to him and laughed evily, Cloud fell backwards on his butt, wide-eyed, "HOLY SHIT! WHAT IS THAT THING!?" "This is an actual person... you see NORMAL people of SOLDIER are showered with mako but only a bit of it. This is an actual person exposed to a large amount more than you and I have been to." Sephiroth explained. "Normal members of SOLDIER? You mean you're not normal?" "Was I...?" Sephiroth drew his sword and swung it around like a little kid with a baseball bat. "Am I like all the rest of these mutated creatures!?" "Hey at least you have your good looks unlike them" Tifa appeared out of nowhere. "Yeah!" he brushed back his silver hair with his fingers and striked a pose but then doubletakes Tifa, "Hey! Aren't you supposed to be outside?" He yelled to her. "Alright Alright! I'm going!" Tifa disappeared. A roar was then heard and they all turned around to find one on the monsters broked out so...they kill it!
"After that, Sephiroth wouldn't talk to me or anyone else." Cloud added. Tifa was crying in Aeris' arms. Barret was interested and Red was very interested. "I thought things would get better but they didn't..."
"Hey Cloud, go check on Sephiroth, he's in the basement at the shinra mansion" one of his co-workers told him. So he ran outside and then made his way into the dark mansion. He looked around and found Tifa leaning against one of the walls. "This mansion's beautiful...But I fear something bad will happen, I can sense it" Tifa coolly threw her sweater over her shoulder and walked slowly, gracefully, out of the mansion. "Okay...I see..." he scratched his head and walked upstairs to see another officer at ease beside the bed in a bedroom, "I haven't clue where he went off to, he disappeared in here somewhere..." So Cloud examined the place and opened a door that was barely visible and inside was a spiral staircase going down. He sighed and descended the stairs, oblivious that it was the beginning of the end. Sephiroth was in the backroom of the basement, leaning back in a chair, reading a book and looking sad.
"He stayed in the basement for a long time, Tifa was the only one who seemed to be able to talk to him" Cloud narrated and looked to Tifa. She was sitting beside Aeris and staring into the flames of the burning fire before her. "Then one day..."
Cloud went back to go check on Sephiroth but got stopped by the same guy beside the bed. "I warn you...Sephiroth's not quite himself..." Cloud nodded and approached the door and opened it and walked down the long, spiraling staircase and to the backroom where Sephiroth lurked. His hand reached for the doorknob and just before touching it, he gulped. "Well...no point in chickening out now..." He opened the door slowly and walked in and heard Sephiroth laughed and he peeked into the office and saw hundreds of books everywhere, stacked like houses. "Hehe! Pretty book houses!" Sephiroth leaned back in his chair and then noticed Cloud and his smile went to a scowl. "Hmph...Traitor..." "Traitor?"
"Yes that's what I said..." he then told him that the ancients...or what they called the druids were his ancestors and Cloud's ancestors were the people who wanted to lead the easy life and that the ancients died because of them. "So...now you know." He concluded, Bewilderment was still in Cloud's eyes. "Ha...you fool. Out of my way, I'm going to go see my mother." he pushed Cloud into a bookcase and walked off. Cloud was now officially freaked out and followed him.
When he had reached outside, he saw the town was on fire. Tifa was running around with a fire armlet on, screaming and laughing, "You can't hurt me! Not with my...FIRE ARMLET! Ooh...its curing me, its almost as pleasurable as the time when Sephiroth...Nevermind." and after saying that, she decided to go after him. Cloud tried to catch her but she was too quick so after she dissappeared, he noticed Zangan standing there and was glad that at least he was alive. "You're still sane right? Help me check this place!" he ran into a house nearby him and Cloud checked his own house but backed out of it and shook his head just before part of the ceiling caved in. He then caught a dark figure out of the corner of his eye and turned to see Sephiroth killing a couple guys just by wacking him with masamune. He noticed Cloud and smirked in his own evil way and turned away, walking coolly into the red hell that we call embers. Cloud followed him to Mt. Nibel and once climbing down into the reactor, he saw Tifa beside her father's body, holding masamune and laughing. "YAY! I get his stash of weed and money! Oh... Sephy's sword." she waved it around and slashed at the air a couple of times and spoke in a dark voice, "I am the GOD OF HELL FIRE!" she laughed but then noticed Cloud and pretended to cry. "Oh no! Sephiroth killed you, daddy! Oh CRY oh SOB! BOO HOO!" she ran into the room where Sephiroth stood before the cell where Jenova lurked. "Mother, I have come for you, please open this door." Tifa caught sight of him and walked up to him. "Seph! Here's your sword!" she whispered. "Thanks, Love" he kissed her but he smile faded as quick as an infant's life possibly could."Cloud's coming! Here...this'll hurt me more than it does you." and within that, he slashed her, just in time for Cloud to see it. Tifa flew backwards, hitting the stairs with a soft thud, knowing that he didn't mean to but there was no other possible way that they could fool cloud. She laid there and breathed heavily and tears formed in the corner of her eyes. When Sephiroth noticed that, he felt very awful now that he had done that. He ran into the other room and dropped his head a few minutes but then looked up to Jenova.
Cloud picked up Tifa gently and carried her to the side and leaned her against one of the test tubes that held those creepy, perverted monsters. How he wished he had restore material. So he just comforted Tifa and then ran up the steps and into the room with Sephiroth. "Mommy! I've come for you!" Sephiroth held out his arms. Jenova just made squishy sounds at him. "Yeah...I agree, let's take this planet back together." he grabbed her head and carried it around all happy-like. Cloud drew his sword and Sephiroth noticed Cloud and drew masamune, "You think you can beat me foo'!?" he slashed at the air in front of him and Jenova made a squishy sound and puked on Cloud. Then Cloud puked on her!----------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------"That is the end of my story" Cloud finally finished. "What!? That's so pointless, OI!" Tifa didn't pay attention to the argument between Cloud and Aeris and just stared at those flames in the fire, and she swore she could've seen Sephiroth walking into the flames. "Earth to Tifa! Supposedly he's dead but that's just shinra news, never believe 'em... OI!" Aeris snapped Tifa back to reality. Cloud stood up and stretched. "Cloud...how badly injured was I?" Tifa asked in a soft voice. "I thought you were going to die, I was so afraid..." he stopped for a second and continued. "At least you're alive. Let's get going now... I want to pursue Sephiroth." and then within that, he walked out of the door, followed by Barret and then red got up and did a stretch that all cats do, "What a fascinating story..." he walked out the door and Aeris helped Tifa up. "Hey you're lucky ...OI! The man you love, loves you back...OI! Not to mention he sounds creepy just like us...OI!" "How'd you know?" "Isn't it obvious? Cloud's the only one who pretends not to know...OI!" "Yes...he is a helluva' guy Aeris." Tifa dropped her head, fearing that he was possibly dead. "Well... we better get going...OI! People will get the wrong idea about us...OI!" Tifa nodded and they walked out of the hotel and saw everyone. "Let's get going everyone." Cloud said and off they went.
----------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------BWAHAHA! Tune into another hair-raising adventure of FF7! Next shall be Chapter 8- Chasing after the sexy man in a black cape!
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