Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ semper fi ❯ Lingering Memories ( Chapter 1 )

Disclaimer: I do not have anything to do with Squaresoft. I'm just borrowing their characters for a bit.

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You're here...aren't you...?

Of course you are.

You have to be...

Because you promised.

You're...my guardian angel...

And you swore that you would remain by me always.

You wouldn't break a promise. I know you, my truest truth...

I wept, and wondered, for a million forevers that was only a week or two...how you could be close at my side if you were so cruelly snatched from me. You, the only thing I ever asked for.

But I came to an answer. For the nuns and priests had told me from childhood...

Believe in what you cannot see. Put your faith in what does not immediately appear to your unholy eyes.

You must be with me, you must - you promised.

And yet I can't see you...am I that impure? Were the things that I did on my pilgrimage so wretched...?

But you must be there. You still have complete mastery over my battered heart - it was, and is, and always will be, yours to please or wrench as you wish. Or maybe you're simply trying to teach me what I was taught from the beginning. Perhaps I need to see without my eyes...is that it, beloved? Is that what you're asking of me?

You don't answer me anymore...

I miss the sound of your voice. Oh, the things I'd give to hear you joking, trying - and often succeeding - in raising my spirits...and what I'd give to hear the words that could have escaped your lips in a fraction of a breath, dancing off your tongue like so much music; the words that I waited for, suspended and entranced by every sound that did escape you, all but the ones I wanted you to say. I waited so long, too long; waiting for you, I ended up blurting at the last possible moment what you could have said if you had pulled me aside to whisper the admission in my ear like some great and wonderful secret, making me shiver with the possibility of it. You could have stolen me away completely with three little words, all truths, all opportunities. Three tiny, precious freedoms, and I could have taken your gentle face into my hands and kissed you and it would have been beautiful.

But you didn't.

That wasn't fair. And it hurt, a slow, constant, seeping pain that ran deep and full in my heart, making my throat raw, my eyes sore. I knew very well you loved me. But you needed to say it. Secret, stolen glances weren't enough - nothing was for sure unless it was said aloud, at least by you, who never spoke falsely to me. For a long time, I'd believed that I was going to lose you, to lose my truest friends, my guardians, and everything along with them. I was the one that was supposed to die. I needed those words to memorize, down to the slightest breath, so I could find something to smile about in my last moments. I loved you desperately, and I know you know that. I just wish you'd told me...

But no. You didn't. And I cannot change that, surely...but maybe you didn't say it for a reason. Did you know? Could you have known how things would end?

Could you have stayed silent so that I would not grieve for what could have been?

You couldn't have known, beloved, surely...not how it would end and not that no matter what your actions, I grieve constantly for what was lost, despite all we gained.

You were so innocent. So pure and noble and kind, and it made me feel so awfully unclean in comparison. For maybe, maybe, basking in the light of your presence, I could perhaps touch that beautiful glow within you and pretend, at least for a moment, that I had ever been so naive and pure-hearted. But I wouldn't have fooled anyone, not even myself. You came out of nowhere and disappeared to the same abyss, taking my heart with you, and it really was your story. But I exist, and so it has to be mine, too.

It was your story, and you have to live to have any sort of story at all, and you're alive, I know it. You still are - someone so wonderful and strong could not disappear so quickly. You're alive, and I just have to find my way to you again.

It won't be so hard.

Because you love me. And that gives me a kind of strength, a kind of happiness, that no tragedy can smite. You're just hidden; not lost. Not lost until I stop searching for you, my guiding star, which I never will.

***

"Yuna."

Yuna parted her lips to speak, but her throat protested and no sound escaped her. Lulu had not knocked, as was her routine, and so the summoner was startled by her intrusion.

"Yuna."

Yuna turned from the window, her previously troubled expression erased. Lulu frowned, but didn't mention her lady's tear-stained cheeks. "Dinner's ready."

"I'm not hungry..."

"You haven't been hungry. Eat anyway. You can't look like a gaunt skeleton when they see you..."

The young Maestress' voice was hollow. "I don't care about them."

Lulu sighed, but the older woman's disapproval no longer touched her. Even when her dearest companion came over and embraced her, it was as if she was watching Lulu embrace someone else, and Lulu's arms were cold, making her hug faintly uninviting.

"I know," Lulu murmured soothingly, and her voice touched off something inside Yuna. She trembled in Lulu's arms and made a helpless noise, stifling an unwarranted sob.

Lulu stroked her hair, using her palm to press upward on her lady's jaw. Yuna's tearful eyes were forced to meet her own. "Is there anything you need?"

Yuna shook her head, closing her eyes with a soft sniffle.

"Are you sure you don't want to come down for dinner?" asked Lulu.

The summoner nodded. "I might come down later. But...not now."

"I'll leave some food out for you."

"Thank you...."

"Do you want me to stay with you?"

She sniffed again, nodding slightly. "Please,"

"Let me just go downstairs and tell the others. I'll be right back."

Lulu departed, leaving Yuna alone.

She returned to where she had been before Lulu came: standing by the great window overlooking the ocean. It was late, and she could see the waves, see the water's slight rise and fall shimmer against the light of a crescent moon, but nothing else. Yuna mused to herself that it was a lonely sight.

She closed the curtains.