Fruits Basket Fan Fiction ❯ Ebony and Ivory ❯ Letting Go ( Chapter 34 )

A/N: If you've seen the second half of episode 26 of Fruits Basket, where Tohru goes to see Akito, you might get an idea for how Yuki is acting towards Kyo in this chapter. It's become almost second nature by now for him to redirect his fear into anger, which is exactly what Akito does.

 

 

CHAPTER 34: Letting Go

 

Kyo lay on the roof, contemplating. Yuki had looked annoyed when he spoke to Kyo, but not hateful. He had said he didn't like Kyo. Kyo had been afraid to ask about hatred. Afraid that Yuki would say yes. One thing's for sure. The damn rat's obsessed with death these days. Anyone who can look at tiger lilies and think of death has got to be out of his mind. He sighed. I wonder if he liked them.

 

Kyo thought over his conversation with Saito. It had seemed so clear then, but now it was all muddled, and seeming more and more like an insane possibility. Yuki had hurt him badly. And he had been completely unfeeling about it. It wasn't like he was crying himself to sleep or anything. It was like he didn't even care. He couldn't possibly be that good of an actor.

 

Kyo went back in his head over the last two months, trying to be objective. How had Yuki acted right after seeing Akito? He tried to remember. Yuki hadn't seemed particularly hostile. No, he hadn't seemed hostile at all. And he had let Kyo catch up. But all that time, he had been staring at Kyo, with this unreadable expression on his face. He had looked dazed, like he had been struck with a tremendous blow and was still too much in shock to feel the effects. When they had gotten home, he had locked himself in his room for the rest of the night.

 

After that… when had their first fight been? It was so long ago that Kyo barely remembered. He closed his eyes and lay back, forcing himself not to fall asleep. He had been surprised by something. What was it? The milk! Yuki had gotten upset at Kyo for getting upset about the milk. And then he had stayed upset about it the entire day. Bizarre.

 

Then there had been the piano incident, when Yuki had said he was going by himself, but wouldn't say why. And he hadn't answered when Kyo had asked if he had done something wrong. He just hadn't wanted to talk. Like there was something wrong that Kyo couldn't know about—something that had to do with Kyo.

 

What had happened next? Oh, Yuki had quit the tennis team, and Kyo had gotten mad at him, and Yuki had gotten mad back. He had said he liked tennis only a week before. And he wouldn't explain. He knew that Kyo hated it when he wouldn't tell Kyo things. And Yuki hadn't seemed to really dislike tennis, unless it was just an early sign of him backing off from everyone. Did he quit tennis because he knew it would make me upset? So it would start a fight? Was he trying to get me mad?

 

Then what? Yuki had started never having time for Kyo, and he never wanted to spar, and he told Haru that he didn't want to hang out with Kyo anymore. He had cut Kyo off every time Kyo had tried to solve things. Like he hadn't wanted things to be solved. Like things couldn't be solved, no matter what Kyo did. Like he couldn't let things be solved. Which would be the case if he had to destroy our friendship.

 

Then Yuki had told Kyo not to touch him. Kyo felt a twinge of pain as he revisited the memory. He had hugged Yuki, and Yuki had full-out rejected him. Had frozen at his touch. Had moved away. Imagine how disgusted he was to realize… that you would dare to touch him. Kyo pressed his lips together, trying not to cry. Yuki had touched him before, right? And when Kyo had hugged him the one time… Kyo pushed away the memory. What had happened after the fight over the hug? Oh, the letter.

 

Kyo sighed deeply. The letter that Yuki never read. How could that have been pretense? He tried to look at it through that assumption. That was definitely a way to show hatred. And to make Kyo hate him back. It was easier to pretend to hate someone who hated you. But that look on Yuki's face… acting as though the garden were more important… Moisture slipped out of Kyo's eyes. He slapped at his face. I wonder what happened to the letter? Kyo blinked. He hadn't brought it back with him. He had left it in Yuki's garden.

 

Seized by a sudden thought, Kyo jumped down from the roof and ran to Yuki's garden. There was the plastic box Yuki kept for his tools. Kyo's heart beat rapidly as he knelt beside it. He shakily undid the clasps, and opened it. At the top were tools, and that section lifted out. Underneath were packs of seeds. Underneath the packs of seeds was Kyo's letter.

 

It was unopened still, but it was clean and dry, and had been flattened in the places Kyo had wrinkled it. Kyo sank back, and began to cry. Yuki hadn't thrown the letter away. For some reason, he had held onto this last relic of their former friendship. It was too important to him to throw away. Even if Kyo was wrong about everything else, this much was certain: some part of Yuki still cared about him. At last, Kyo quietly replaced the letter, and rubbed away his tears. He rose to his feet, and walked back to the house, going back to the roof. He didn't trust himself around Yuki yet.

 

But Yuki had said he hated Kyo! Had looked him in the eyes and said it. Kyo couldn't imagine lying like that. Had Yuki lied? He wouldn't keep a letter from someone he hated. Kyo sighed shakily. But he didn't deny it when I asked if he had tricked me. Suddenly Kyo started. Wait a second! He did! He shouted “No!”! Kyo blinked a few times. Was it because I caught him off guard? Kyo's breathing became harder. And so then… then when he called me Kyo-nii, it was because he forgot everything because of the pain, and he saw me as a friend. Someone helping him.

 

Kyo couldn't believe that this was actually making some kind of sense. He told Hatori I couldn't be his friend, not that he didn't want me to be. And every time I went in, he didn't want me to leave. Kyo closed his eyes, forcing himself to relax. Then he sat up. But what on earth does Tohru have to do with any of this? He hasn't been acting weird around her at all. And why does he want to go back to the Main House? Then it hit him. Because he's afraid that he's slipped too much, and that I'll find out if he stays. Kyo thought for a minute. But after that conversation this afternoon… Kyo yawned. At last he decided to deal with it in the morning. He climbed back through his window and went to sleep.

 

The next morning, Kyo heard noises coming from Yuki's room. He walked over. The door was cracked open, and Kyo could see Yuki inside, out of bed and on the floor. He opened the door. “Hey, you're up!”

 

“Go away, stupid cat.”

 

Then Kyo froze. On the floor was a large suitcase, half full. “Yuki, what are you doing?”

 

“Go away.”

 

“Are you going back to the Main House?”

 

“It has nothing to do with you.”

 

“Are you insane?!”

 

Yuki said nothing for a moment. When he at last spoke, his voice was dead. “Please, Kyo… just leave me alone.”

 

Kyo came in and sat beside Yuki on the floor. He wanted to hug him. Wanted to tell him it was okay. He wanted to tell Yuki that they were partners now, and he would do whatever Yuki thought necessary to hide the fact that they were friends. Would it keep Yuki from going to the Main House? Or would it just make him go quicker?

 

“Will you stop sitting there waiting to be noticed? What, do you think I'll suddenly break down and say we can be friends again and…” He shook his head with an irritated sigh. “Just go away and stop being an idiot.”

 

Kyo didn't say that this was exactly what he thought Yuki might do. He felt relieved. Yuki had just said they had once been friends. This reassured him enough that he didn't go away quite yet. “Yuki-nii, why are you leaving?”

 

“Don't call me that!” Yuki's words came out with a harshness that seemed to surprise even him. “Just stop it,” he said after a moment. He folded another shirt and placed it in his bag, then paused, looking at his hands. He looked scared, and he closed his eyes. “I'm going to the Main House because then I'll get better.”

 

“You'd get better here if you gave a damn.”

 

He sighed again. “I don't owe you an explanation, stupid cat. Go away.” His voice lacked energy.

 

“Is this because of me?”

 

Yuki started, but didn't respond.

 

“When are you leaving?”

 

“On Sunday.”

 

“Who are you staying with?”

 

“Hatori. Would you go away?”

 

“If you have to get away from here, why not stay with Saito-san?”

 

Yuki froze. He looked at Kyo. “Why are you mentioning him?”

 

“It's just a thought.”

 

Yuki looked away, frustrated. “Why do you care so much? Would you just go away?” Something flashed in his eyes for a second, like he was gathering his strength for something, and then he stood up, standing over Kyo. “I'm sick of this. I'm sick of you still trying to fix things! Would you get it through your head that I hate this and I don't want to be your friend? I don't care what I said or did when I was sick. I was delirious, okay? Just get lost! I never want to see your stupid face again!!” He looked so much like Akito for a moment that Kyo's hair stood on the back of his neck.

 

There was a moment of silence. Everything had seemed so clear a second ago. But now… there was real hatred in Yuki's eyes. No way was he faking that anger. But still… Kyo rose to his feet and met his cousin's eyes. “Yuki…” He laid a hand on Yuki's arm. Yuki's eyes widened and he pulled away.

 

“Don't touch me!” No, that wasn't hatred. That wasn't hatred at all. It was fear. It was fear that had made him yell a few minutes ago when Kyo had called him “Yuki-nii”.

 

Kyo replayed Yuki's words in his mind. Not `I hate you'. Yuki had said `I hate this'. A slip, probably, but a revealing one. Kyo pressed his lips together. “I will never go away,” he said softly. “I'm a cat. Once I've decided I like you, I won't leave you alone. You know that. I won't go away, even if you do.”

 

Yuki's eyes were wide. His lips trembled suddenly. “Kyo, please… please just let it go. Let me go.” His voice had changed. For the first time in over a month, his mask was gone, and Kyo recognized him again. The real Yuki was scared, and wanted Kyo to stop trying. But even more than that, the real Yuki was desperately lonely, and hurting.

 

“I know you're scared,” Kyo said at last. “Can't you just tell me what's wrong? Tell me why it's so important that we not be friends? I care about you, Yuki, and I can't just let you go.”

 

“You have to! I don't want this! I… we…” He was breaking. His hands clenched into fists.

 

“We what?”

 

Yuki's eyes were squeezed shut, but now he opened them. They were almost frantic. “We can't be friends because I hate you! I hate you! Just get lost! I hate you! Why would… why would I ever want to be friends with someone like you? You're just a stupid cat and I hate you! I can't even stand to look at you! Get lost!”

 

Yuki had clearly lost it. This, oddly enough, was probably a good thing. It meant Kyo was breaking through. A little more and he'd succeed. “I won't.”

 

“Why not?!”

 

“Because I like you, and I'm not leaving you alone. Even if you won't let me help you, at least I can still be here for you. So I'm staying here until you come back.”

 

“I'm not coming back! Get lost!”

 

“No. Stop running away.”

 

Yuki's eyes widened, and he shook his head. “No!” he shouted. “No, stop it!” He shoved Kyo hard, and tried to attack him, but Kyo blocked every advance, and at last Yuki stopped to gasp for breath.

 

“Kyo,” came a sudden voice behind him. He turned to see Hatori. “Kyo, stop this. You're going to send him into another attack.”

 

“But…” Kyo watched as Yuki allowed Hatori to take his arm and lead him back to bed. Yuki accepted the inhaler Hatori handed him, and breathed it in.

 

“Hatori, make him go away,” Yuki begged at last. The mask was back on, like nothing had happened. Kyo wanted to slap him.

 

“Kyo, please.”

 

Kyo paused for another moment, then turned to the suitcase. He reached down and upended it, spilling all of its contents on the floor. “That ought to at least slow you down.” He walked out of the room.

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>& gt;>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

After a few minutes, Hatori left, and Yuki slumped and leaned forward on his hands. His mind surged with anger at Kyo, anger at Akito, anger at the world. He hated that Kyo wouldn't let this go. It was hard enough for Yuki to let it go without Kyo holding on as well. Even if he wasn't asking for friendship anymore, he was asking for answers, and clearly wanted them much more for Yuki's sake than his own. He so obviously cared, and wanted Yuki to be okay, and certainly would be friends in a second if Yuki would just let him. Yuki hated it. He hated it because he wanted it so badly, and there it was, and he couldn't reach out and take it. And he hated Kyo because Kyo was making it so tempting. He hated Kyo because he wanted to be friends and couldn't be, and Kyo refused to get it. He hated the look of concern in Kyo's eyes. He hated the tiger lilies on the table. He hated Kyo's smiles, and his questions, and his uncanny ability to see past his defenses. He hated Kyo because Kyo refused to hate him.

 

But more than anything else, he hated his own weakness. What had made him panic like that? He had dug himself a deeper hole with every sentence. Kyo had been trying to break him down, and had almost succeeded, until Hatori, thank the kamis, had arrived in time to stop it. Yuki suddenly wondered if this was how Rin felt about Haru. Odd how much he had in common with her now. Maybe when he got back to the Main House, he could ask her for tips, if she even let him speak to her.

 

“Yuki-kun?” Honda-san sounded hesitant. “I heard yelling. Are you okay?”

 

It was several seconds before Yuki could answer. At last he spoke. “I'm fine. But would you please tell that stupid cat that I don't want to see him again before I leave?”

 

“Um… okay,” Honda-san agreed reluctantly. “I… I brought you some breakfast.”

 

Yuki sat up, calmer now. “Thank you, Honda-san.”

 

“Was it Kyo-kun who dumped your suitcase?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Do you want me to help you with it?”

 

Yuki closed his eyes. “Okay.”

 

Honda-san knelt on the floor beside the bed, and began to refold his clothes as he ate. “When will Yuki-kun be back from the Main House?”

 

“I don't know.”

 

“Maybe in a week or so?”

 

“Maybe. It might be a while. I might not be back before Kyo leaves.” Honda-san was silent for a moment, and Yuki suddenly realized that he had been tremendously insensitive to mention that to her. “Oh… I'm sorry…” What am I becoming?

 

“No. It's okay. I was only thinking… Yuki-kun, are you leaving so that you don't need to be near Kyo-kun? Do you really hate him that much?”

 

I don't hate him at all. That's why I can't be around him. “It's complicated, Honda-san. I don't really want to talk about it. Just don't worry about me. I'll be with Hatori.”

 

“May I… come and visit you?”

 

Yuki sighed. If Tohru came to visit him, would Akito hurt her too? He couldn't trust anything anymore. I think the best possible thing would be for me to disappear entirely. “Maybe,” Yuki said. “We'll have to see. But Kyo can't.”

 

Tohru sighed. “I… understand.” Was that bitterness in her voice?

 

“Are you angry with me, Honda-san?”

 

Honda-san didn't answer for a moment. Yuki couldn't believe it. Honda-san was angry with him? “I… I'm just hurt… because of Kyo-kun.” Her eyes moistened. “Kyo-kun… was so happy to be friends with Yuki-kun, even though he knew it wouldn't last for very long, if he was still going to be… to be… confined. And now… there's only a little time left, and I don't want Kyo-kun to be confined, and neither does Shishou-san, and I thought that Yuki-kun would help us keep him out… but now it sounds like Yuki-kun wants him to be confined. This gives me… a very sad, painful feeling.” She sighed. “And if we can't keep him out… Kyo-kun will go away, knowing that the person he thought was his best friend hates him. He must be in so much pain. He doesn't show it, but…”

 

Yuki couldn't handle any more. He took his last bite of onigiri. “I'm finished. Thank you. It was delicious.”

 

Honda-san merely looked at him for a moment. It was obvious that she was completely aware that he was pushing her away. “Okay.” She took his dish and rose to her feet. “I just… don't understand. Yuki-kun… isn't acting like Yuki-kun anymore. It's scary… and painful.”

 

Yuki sighed, not looking at her. “I'm sorry, Honda-san. I didn't want you to be hurt. I just… I can't explain it. I'm sorry.”

 

She nodded quietly, and left the room.

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>& gt;>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

After school, Tohru went to work, and Kyo went to Saito's. He didn't know what to do, and if anyone could help him, Saito could. He knocked on the door. There was no answer. Suddenly Kyo realized that Saito was probably at work. Now where did Saito-san work? Kyo wished he had asked Yuki before, when they were friends. Wait… hadn't Yuki told him once that he met Saito at Saito's music shop? Where was that?

 

Kyo walked to nearby commercial strips, and at last saw an insignificant-looking store called “Saito Music.” You've got to hand it to him for creativity. Kyo smiled a little, approached the shop, and at last came in. It was small. Saito stood behind the counter.

 

“Saito-san?” Saito turned, and Kyo bowed.

 

“Kyo-kun,” Saito said, bowing back. “What brings you here? Is there anything new going on with Yuki?”

 

“Yeah. He's going back to the Main House. Now it's for sure. I don't know what's going on, but one thing's definite—something is very wrong. Yuki hates the Main House, even more than I do. And he's scared of Akito, and he'll be living with Hatori, who sees Akito all the time. And also, I found this apology letter I wrote to him before, that I thought he threw away. He kept it, in his garden box. I don't know if that's conclusive that he doesn't hate me, but it seems pretty damn suspicious. And I don't want him to have to go back to the Main House because of me.”

 

“Why do you think he'd go back because of you?”

 

“Because he knows I'm figuring stuff out, and he doesn't want me to. He's all freaked out, and he was yelling at me this morning. He told both me and Tohru that he doesn't even want to see me again before he leaves. He said he hated me again, but… it was different. He was panicking, and… I don't know. He kept telling me to let it go. I refused. Maybe that was the wrong thing to do.” Kyo slumped. “I just wish I knew why he's acting like this.”

 

“You've asked him?

 

“Yeah, and that was when he flipped. It was almost nice, actually, him showing emotion.”

 

“Does he know what you think?”

 

“He probably suspects. Do you think I should tell him?”

 

“I don't know.” Saito sighed. “Perhaps I should talk to him.”

 

“Maybe not,” Kyo said. “Because that would make it practically certain, and would send him running for the Main House. As it is, he leaves on Sunday. Which means I have all of a day and a half to convince him not to go.”

 

“Why does it depend on you?”

 

“Because I'm the only one who's not scared to talk to that damn rat.”

 

“Do you really think of him that way?” Saito asked.

 

“When he's acting like this, yeah. I tell you, a cat's got to be real patient to deal with him.”

 

Saito smiled. “You really care about Yuki a lot, don't you?”

 

“None of your damn business.” His voice held no force. “He's being an idiot. All I want to do is give him a good kick in the head. And you know, it's kind of irritating, because if I fought him now I'd probably win since he's so damn weak, but I can't, because he's sick, and it's not fair. He's asking for it, though.” Kyo hit his fist into his palm, then kept it like that, his hands folded. “Damn rat.” He sighed. “Well? Do you have any advice?”

 

Saito sighed. “You've tried everything I can think of. I suppose you could try pretending to hate him back.”

 

“Yeah. I could try. Problem is, Yuki's usually pretty good at seeing through me when I pretend, and… I think I've gone to far for that. And even if it did work, it would just delay him going back, if that, and maybe calm him down for a little while. But it won't make him feel any better, and it won't fix anything. I don't really want to just have this mutual pretended hatred for the next two months, without him ever catching on.”

 

“Two months?”

 

Kyo started a little. “In… in two months I think Yuki starts college.” Maybe. Is he going to college? I never heard.

 

“I see.”

 

Kyo sighed. “I'd better get home. Maybe I can get Shigure to talk to him. I don't want to tell Haru, though, because if it gets to Haru, it'll leak into the Main House, and get to Akito. So far, I don't think Akito knows that Yuki plans to come back, because Hatori is still hoping he'll change his mind. Tohru and I actually talked about it on the way to school and agreed we wouldn't say anything to Haru or Momiji. That's our other cousin, by the way.”

 

“Yuki told me. The rabbit.”

 

“Yeah.” Kyo rose to his feet. “Well, I'll see you later.”

 

“Good luck. I'm sorry I couldn't help you.”

 

Kyo shrugged. “It kind of helps just to be able to talk to you. So that I don't have to keep it some big secret. I haven't even said anything about it to Tohru, which is hard, because she's really upset about Yuki hating me. Or pretending to. Whichever it is.” He walked over to the piano suddenly, on impulse. “I wonder if he'll ever play again.” Finally Kyo sighed and walked to the door. “Bye,” he called, and left.