Fruits Basket Fan Fiction ❯ Ebony and Ivory ❯ Memories ( Chapter 44 )

CHAPTER 44: Memories

 

Yuki sat outside by himself after school, waiting for Kyo to finish whatever he was doing.

 

“Hey!” came Kyo's greeting after a while. “You didn't have to wait for me.”

 

“I wanted to.”

 

“Okay. Were you okay today?”

 

“Yeah,” Yuki replied, a little confused. “Why wouldn't I be?

 

“You seem really shy for some reason.”

 

Oh. That. “I'm just getting used to things again.”

 

Kyo paused for a moment. “Who are you going to keep in touch with when you graduate?” he asked suddenly.

 

“I…” Yuki paused. “Um…” He looked down. “Honda-san.”

 

“No one else?”

 

“Maybe the members of the student council. At least Kakeru and Machi.”

 

“That's good.”

 

“Why do you ask?”

 

“I wanted to make sure… you know.”

 

“Make sure of what?”

 

“That you wouldn't be alone and stuff. You'll get involved with stuff when you go to college, right? Like sports and stuff? Or something. It doesn't have to be sports.”

 

Yuki sighed. “You're only getting stronger because of the cat.” He pressed his lips together. He didn't want to be dependent on Kyo. He didn't want Kyo to think he was. But he was.

 

“Yuki…”

 

Yuki looked at him. He had forgotten the question.

 

“Promise me you'll do something. I want you to make at least one good friend in college. Someone you can trust, who you feel okay laughing around. Okay?”

 

Yuki turned away.

 

“Yuki, promise me.”

 

He's done so much for me, and I won't do anything for him. I didn't get the bracelet back. And I can't help him. I'm so weak, and I'm nothing without him.

 

“Yuki, don't do this.”

 

Yuki sighed. “They'd hate you, you know. You're a freak.” Yuki hesitated, painfully. “I promise I'll try.”

 

Kyo nodded. “Good.”

 

Yuki stared at his hands. “Why are you only worried about me?”

 

“I'm not worried about you. Do I look worried?” Yuki looked at him. “I know you're perfectly capable of making a ton of friends at college. I just want to make sure you'll do it. You need to be held accountable. But I'm not worried. You'll do it now. You promised.” He smiled. “You're living on your own, right? Away from the Sohmas? I think it'd be good for you.”

 

“I don't think Akito will let me.”

 

“Oh. That makes it harder.” He sighed. “You could try and get permission.”

 

“He'd never let me.”

 

“Well then… but you can find ways to be independent.” He sighed. “Or something. But I still think you should try to get permission.”

 

“I'll try to get permission to live on my own if you try to get permission to not be locked up.”

 

Kyo's eyes widened slightly. He looked at Yuki. “Is that a promise?”

 

Yuki's eyes grew round. I was only trying to make a point! Of course I wasn't serious! He paled. “I…” Go to Akito? Actually go to Akito and ask Akito to reconsider a decision? “I can't.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“I can't just go to Akito and ask.”

 

“Why?”

 

Yuki felt himself begin to shake. “I can't.”

 

“I'll go with you.”

 

And get hurt too. “No.” Yuki's voice trembled. “I can't.”

 

“I'll go first.”

 

Yuki considered this. “Would he say yes?”

 

“Not to me. But he might to you.” Kyo shrugged. “Yuki, for me it makes sense. I mean… I can't function without this stupid bracelet. But you don't have something like that. You could really do something with your life.”

 

Yuki set his jaw. “So could you.” He looked at Kyo. “You've managed for years. Stop thinking you're life is worthless because you're the cat.”

 

“Why do you feel like that, then? You're not even the cat. You're the rat. If anyone in this family should feel a sense of self-worth, it's you. What's with you?” His words weren't gentle, but his eyes were sincere, and contained no ridicule.

 

Yuki looked away. “I don't know.”

 

“Yes, you do. You just don't want to tell me.”

 

“You're nothing. You don't matter to anyone but me.” Yuki shook himself slightly. That's not true. I matter to Kyo. And there aren't a lot of people in that category. “Kyo, why do I matter so much to you?”

 

“Because you're my friend.”

 

“Why is that?”

 

Kyo smiled. “Because I like you.”

 

“Why?”

 

Kyo shrugged. “Because you're Yuki.”

 

I wonder if this is how a normal friendship works. Yuki looked at Kyo. This is a normal friendship. He's a normal person. He's about as normal as you can get in the Sohma family. Yuki felt a vague flutter of excitement. He wants to treat me like a normal person. Yuki slowly smiled.

 

“Finally!” Kyo cried. He laughed, and wrapped an arm around Yuki's shoulders. “Gosh, what's a guy got to do to get his best friend to smile these days?”

 

Yuki's smile broadened and he looked away, blushing slightly. His best friend… “You're so weird.” His best friend. I'm Kyo's best friend. Yuki couldn't stop smiling, even when Kyo rose to his feet, taking Yuki with him. I'm someone's best friend. What did I ever do to deserve that? He suddenly stopped, and hugged Kyo tightly. Thank you.

 

Kyo was slightly startled, but he hugged Yuki back. Then he let go and looked at Yuki for a second. Then he laughed, and clapped Yuki on the back of the head. “Race you home!”

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>& gt;>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

Kyo approached Haru at lunch the next day, just before everyone sat down. “Haru, can we talk for a second?”

 

“Let me guess. You want to know what's eating Yuki.”

 

“How…”

 

“That's the only reason you ever come talk to me in private.” Haru looked thoughtful for a minute, as he set down his food. “I'll talk to him.”

 

Kyo rolled his eyes. “Good luck.”

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>& gt;>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

Haru met Yuki that afternoon, immediately after the latter left the student council. “Hey,” Yuki said. “What are you doing here so late?”

 

Haru didn't answer for a moment. He knew this would be hard for Yuki, but… it was necessary. If Yuki was ever to move forward, it was necessary, and it wasn't fair to Kyo to keep him in the dark. “Can I talk to you for a few minutes?”

 

Yuki looked a bit uneasy. “Sure… um… I said I'd meet Kyo after school…”

 

“His game's only half-way through. They got started late because the net fell down.”

 

“The net fell down?”

 

“Yep.”

 

“Okay…” He shrugged. “Where do you want to talk?”

 

“Outside is fine.” They stepped outside.

 

“Are you okay?” Yuki asked.

 

Haru smiled. After all that had happened to Yuki, he was worried about Haru? “I'm okay. That's what I'm wondering about you.”

 

“I'm okay,” Yuki said, looking confused.

 

“He's worried about you, you know.”

 

Yuki sat down on a stair. “I'm working on it. It's just… hard to get back into everything.” He sighed. “It was bad enough… all this time, having his voice in the back of my mind, telling me I was going to fail… and then I did… but I'd failed even before that. I couldn't stand up to him.” He stared at his shoes. “The other day… I got locked in the attic. The door shut and locked automatically, and I couldn't open it because the key was on my dresser. I was up there… for at least fifteen minutes. It felt like hours.”

 

“Did you explain all this to Kyo?”

 

“No. It would be too hard, since he doesn't know about that.”

 

Haru paused for nearly a full minute, giving Yuki time to process what he had just said. “You know what I'm going to say next, don't you?” Yuki said nothing. “You need to tell him about Akito.” Yuki looked away, angrily. “He needs to know, Yuki. You can't hide forever.”

 

“I… can't! I mean… it's not… Why does he need to know?”

 

“So he understands. Yuki, you owe it to him.” He paused. “He's been pretty honest with you. If you want this relationship to last, you have to tell him.”

 

“But what if… he thinks of me differently afterwards? I mean… I always like… that he's not careful around me, like I'll break if he touches me, and… and if he knows about that, then…”

 

“Do you think he'll act differently?”

 

Yuki sighed. “I don't know.”

 

“Well I hate to point it out to you, but you're running out of time.”

 

Yuki looked over at the volleyball court on the other side of the schoolyard. They both watched Kyo hit the ball over to the other side and score a point. “If he's going to let himself get locked up, what's the point in telling him? It wouldn't matter.”

 

“It would show him you understand. That you trust him. It might even give him motivation to stay out. Who knows?”

 

“I don't want to lose him, Haru.” He sighed. “Do you think it would make a difference to him? I mean, really? I…” He put his forehead in his hands. Haru thought he saw moisture in Yuki's eyes, but he couldn't be sure. “Haru, I've never told anyone.”

 

Haru remained silent, letting Yuki sort himself out. This was usually the best way to talk to Yuki. He would usually just listen until Yuki came up with something that made sense to him. He knew when Yuki really needed his advice. It wasn't very often.

 

“I mean, what will I say? How much should I say? Should I give him facts or feelings or both? And if I do give him feelings, how can I explain why the facts made me feel that way? He wasn't there. He never saw me like that. He always saw me as strong. He still sees me as strong. What is he going to say when he finds out how weak I am?”

 

Haru was quiet for a moment. Then he looked at Yuki. “See, that's where I think you're wrong. I don't think Kyo harbors any false impressions about you. He doesn't have you on a pedestal in his mind. If he thinks you're strong, it's probably because you are. You're strong. And you're weak. It's okay to be both, you know. And he's not going to like you any less if you show him that you also have a weak side. Actually, I think it would make him like you more.” He paused. “You've seen Kyo's darker side. It's obvious. You have the advantage of being able to hide yours. But if you think about it, you finally felt you understood Kyo when you saw his true form.”

 

Yuki sighed, and looked at his hands for a minute. “What if he doesn't understand?” he whispered.

 

“There's a possibility he won't. But there's a stronger possibility he will. Give him some credit, Yuki. In some ways, I think he already understands you better than I do. You laugh more when you're with him.”

 

“Oh… Haru, I…”

 

“It's okay. I'm not jealous. Well… in some ways I am, but not because you spend so much time with him. Just that I wish I could make you happy like that. But hey, I've actually benefited from the deal. You hardly ever hugged me until you became Kyo's friend.” He hugged Yuki, and Yuki closed his eyes for a moment. “You can do it,” Haru said at last, letting go and clapping Yuki on the shoulders.

 

The volleyball game ended, and Kyo came running towards them. Yuki smiled a little to see him, then looked back at Haru. He looked terrified. “You can do it,” Haru said. He clapped Yuki on the shoulder. “Ganbatte.”

 

“I'll… okay.”

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>& gt;>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

Yuki smiled again as Kyo ran up them, breathlessly. “Hey!” he said with a smile. “I'm not interrupting anything, am I?”

 

“No,” Yuki said, “We were just talking, and we finished.”

 

“Okay. Hey Yuki, you need to start playing again. The entire team agrees that we need you.”

 

Yuki blinked in surprise. “Really?”

 

“Yeah! Haru, you can play too if you want.”

 

“I have a job that starts right after school.”

 

“Hmm?” Yuki said. “Then why are you here?”

 

“Because I wanted to talk to you.”

 

Yuki blinked again. “Um… then shouldn't you be getting to work?”

 

“I told my boss I'd be late today. No biggie. See you later?” He looked at Yuki, as if to say, “You'll do it, right?”

 

“Yeah. See you,” Yuki replied, giving him a look that meant “yes.” It was just a matter of timing.

 

“So what were you and Haru talking about?” Kyo asked as they walked.

 

Yuki paused for a moment, realizing there was no way he could legitimately say it was none of Kyo's business. “Could you… maybe ask me a little later?”

 

“When?”

 

Soon. It has to be soon. Today? Yuki sighed. No matter how long he prepared himself, he would never feel ready. It might as well be today. “I'm going to work in my garden after we get something to eat. If I could be alone for a little while, and then you came out in maybe an hour, we could talk.”

 

Kyo looked a little nervous, grasping the seriousness of the situation, but he nodded. “Sounds good.”

 

Yuki said hello to Honda-san, who had gone home about an hour before, and ate a few of the onigiri she had set out. Then he went out to his garden. He had set some plants out a few days before that he hadn't gotten around to planting. He removed the cover he had put there to keep out the rain, and quietly began to dig holes.

 

He wished he knew what to say. He had never told anyone. No one had ever told anyone. You either knew or you didn't. It had never been said. Never been spoken of. Somehow, when Yuki said it… that would make it real. I don't want it to be real.

 

Echoes of voices and images flashed through Yuki's mind.

 

“Stop fighting with me, Yuki! Why are you so disobedient? Yuki, I'll hit you!”

 

“The head of the family likes you. You're lucky.”

 

When did it start? Yuki put down his shovel, shaking. He shook his head hard.

 

“Akito only ever says really scary things!”

 

“This world is pitch black. I have to make my room match.”

 

“Akito, am I strange?”

 

“Of course you're strange. You're a boy who turns into a rat. You're a freak. If normal people found out, they would shun you, staying far away. They'll leave you. All of them”

 

Yuki rose to his feet and paced, trying not to think. But it kept coming back.

 

“Normal people could never love you. You're not meant to be loved by them.”

 

“They are beneath you.”

 

“You're worthless! Don't you understand? You mean nothing!”

 

“Please don't tell Akito!”

 

“Yuki, are you okay? Can't you talk? Yuki-kun, please say something!”

 

“I've had enough. I want to go home.”

 

“You're the rat, aren't you?”

 

“I'll never forgive you! Do you hear me? I'll never forgive you! It's all your fault, rat! Everything's your fault!”

 

“I'll kill Yuki and then die myself!”

 

“Please… Please d-don't erase them! They're my friends!”

 

“Get back in the room! I don't want to have to tell Akito on you.”

 

“Did you think nothing would happen to you if you left the room without permission? Do you honestly think you deserve to lay a finger on my piano?”

 

“Why don't you hear my voice?” “Say something!”

 

“Yuki, please talk to me. Please… did Akito do something? Can't you tell me?”

 

Yuki leaned against a tree trunk and sank down to its base, his shoulders shaking. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it.

 

“Get back to where the head of the family is! Hurry! Don't make me more ashamed of you than I already am!”

 

“Do you really think you can be normal? You're weak! Weak! You're a worthless rat, and you're weak!”

 

“Yuki, you know I love you. I love you more than the others ever could. I'm the only one… the only one who will protect you. I will always protect you. I will always keep you here with me, safe.”

 

“Let me out! Please!”

 

Yuki planted his tomatoes, then rose to his feet again.

 

“Of course you can't play with them. Yuki, I'm only trying to protect you. Don't you remember what happened the last time? They couldn't even bear to remember you, they hated you so much. Do you want that to happen again?”

 

“Hey Yuki, are you going to die? Well, are you? Pathetic.”

 

“You're a freak!”

 

“You're weak!”

 

Yuki knelt again, shaking. He planted a few soybean plants.

 

“You're lucky he likes you, someone worthless like you. To have him pay so much attention to you?”

 

“Am I just a tool? Your tool?”

 

“What are you saying? What if you are a tool?”

 

He sat up, and buried his face in his hands, then got up and began to pace again. The rats were absolutely surrounding him now, but he barely noticed them.

 

“I wanted to be out of the Sohma cage, if only for a little while.”

 

“What does a rat like you know?”

 

Yuki sighed. Maybe that's a good place to start.

 

“Do you remember that room? That special room, just for you? I may have to put you there again… for a day… just to remind you of who you really are.”

 

Yuki closed his eyes and rose to his feet again. I didn't want to fall asleep, for fear I would wake up and I wouldn't be alone. I didn't want to speak for fear he would hurt me, and then he hurt me because I wouldn't speak. It was like being in an arena. He sat down and buried his hands in the dirt. He breathed in shakily. I would be given food. Sometimes he would hurt me if I ate. Sometimes he would hurt me if I didn't eat. There was no way of knowing.

 

“Why won't you do as I say?”

 

“Are you disagreeing with me?”

 

“Are you lying to me?”

 

He asked for answers he knew were lies. He punished me if I didn't give them. He sometimes punished me if I did, because he knew they were lies. I wonder if he came with the intention to punish or not punish, and only questioned me for his amusement.

 

“You're my toy! Your mother gave you to me! You were thrown away, as you should have been!”

 

“Akito called for you. Get your shoes on.”

 

“When will I go home?”

 

“Someday.”

 

“Is mother coming to get me soon?”

 

“Your mother isn't coming again. She doesn't care about you. No one cares about you.”

 

“Don't be fooled, thinking `things will get better' or `someone will save me.' Everyone hates you. Everyone hates the rat.”

 

“Someone as rotten as you… ought to do us all a favor and just disappear!”

 

“Don't misunderstand. There are no possibilities, no hopes… you'll live on in a pitch black path. So don't misunderstand… and think that one day you'll be saved.”

 

“Did you hear about Yuki-san's parents? They're living it up… They sold their own child to the head of the family… practically a human sacrifice.”

 

Yuki closed his eyes, wishing he had something to cling to. Some instance where someone had actually gotten between him and Akito. Yes, people had helped him. Shigure had gotten him out, and Haru had visited him. But if Akito ordered Yuki to come back, no one would protect him. Not Shigure. Not Hatori. Not Ayame. Not his parents. No one would ever go against Akito for Yuki's sake.

 

“Yuki?”

 

Yuki slowly opened his eyes and looked up. His first instinct was to flinch back. “I… please…”

 

Kyo's expression went from concerned to confused, and then to hurt. Why was he here? If he hated Yuki so much, then… did he just want to yell at him again? “Yuki…” Kyo knelt beside him.

 

Slowly, some semblance of reason made its way through Yuki's chaotic memories. Kyo was his friend now. Kyo was not the little boy with the pretty orange hair who had yelled at him and told him to disappear. Not anymore. “Kyo…nii…”

 

Kyo gave a slight sigh of relief, and moved a bit closer. “Yuki, you're scaring me. What's going on?”

 

Yuki closed his eyes. That was right. He was supposed to tell Kyo about Akito. What in the name of the kamis had he been thinking when he agreed to this? So much had changed between them since then. And Yuki doubted Kyo wanted to revisit the past either. But… “Has it been an hour already?”

 

“Yes. Yuki, what's going on? Are you okay?”

 

Yuki closed his eyes. I can't hide anymore. “No.”