Fruits Basket Fan Fiction ❯ Too Many Tears ❯ Tearing At My Heart ( Chapter 2 )

Tearing At My Heart

 

Kyo stared up at the ceiling of his bedroom counting the tiles. He had done this countless times and like always it didn't helped him sleep. He could feel Kagura's presents beside him and it made him shudder.

 

This year had been torture for him. By Akito's orders he had married Kagura and they had moved a `safe distance' away from Tohru, or so Akito called it. Akito could have put him on the other side of the planet and it wouldn't stop him from thinking of her. It was impossible.

 

*~* Eyes are feeling heavy but they never seem to close
The fan blades on the ceiling spin but the air is never cold*~*

 

The blanket that Kyo had wrapped around him felt hot and constricting. He kicked it off the bed with a growl. He just couldn't get to sleep. He hadn't had a good nights sleep since the day Akito informed him of the news. It was nearly impossible with his mind constantly buzzing.

 

The light from the moon was suddenly too bright for him and he placed a hand over his eyes to shield it out. Still sleep didn't come.

 

He briefly glanced at the clock. It was only one in the morning; he still had plenty of time to sleep before he had to wake up for work. His flannel Pajamas were hot and making him feel sticky. He quickly swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood up. To his great luck Kagura didn't stir.

 

`Some fresh air is all I need.' he told himself. `A nice walk, then straight back to bed.' Kyo made sure Kagura was still sleeping before slipping out of the room, and out of the house.

 

*~* And even though you are next to me I still feel so alone
I just can't give you anything for you to call your own*~*

 

The fresh air felt great on his scorched skin. It was September so the air was a bit nippy, but he didn't put on a jacket. Kyo felt the call of the wind and began to run with it. A good workout was just what he needed to tire him out.

 

After running for a while Kyo stopped and looked at where he had ended up. His old home, he should have guessed his legs would take him here. He had taken many late night trips and he always would land at this place of fond memories.

 

Kyo climbed up to the roof and sat himself above Tohru's window. He could hear her sobbing from within and his heart began to break. She was close but not close enough. He longed to jump in her window and comfort her but what would that accomplish? Akito would surely find out and then he would be in a huge mess.

 

Many times in this year he had followed her in the shadows. He saw the changes that had occurred and cursed himself for every one. She never smiled, never laughed, she didn't even seem to want to live. He could relate.

 

As Tohru's sobs escalated Kyo jumped from the roof and made him way `home'. He couldn't bear to hear her hurting so much. He had broken her and he was powerless to fix her.

 

*~* And I can feel you breathing
And it's keeping me awake
Can you feel it beating?
My heart's sinking like a weight*~*

 

Kyo walked into his gloomy home with a sigh. A quick examination of the stove's clock told him he had been out for a good hour. It hadn't felt like it. He carefully walked up the stairs, attempting not to make much noise. If Kagura woke up now she would surely ask where he had been, and he wasn't in the mood for twenty-one questions.

 

The door of his shared bedroom creaked open and he took a few steps in. The room was still dark and Kagura had barely moved, he was safe. Kyo maneuvered his way back into bed and actually smiled at his stealth. She hadn't stirred an inch.

 

He closed his eyes in hopes of sleep, but still nothing. Insomnia lapped at him, laughed at him, and he was powerless to stop it. Sleeping pills didn't even work; the only cure was to be with Tohru again. Something that he was sure would never happen.

 

Kagura took in a sharp breath then let out a sigh. The sudden noise startled Kyo and he glanced over at her. She was still sleeping, and having a good dream from the looks of it. She was completely oblivious, or so it seemed. He wasn't happy, why didn't she sense it? Perhaps she sensed it but was too happy to believe it.

 

Even though it was technically Kagura he was `cheating' on he still felt like it was Tohru. For god sakes, he had completely turned his back on her. He said he loved her yet he goes off and marries another? If that wasn't cheating he didn't know what was. But it was just an obligation marriage, nothing more. Kagura would never have his heart; it would forever belonged to another.

 

*~*Something I've been keeping locked away behind my lips
I can feel it breaking free with each and every kiss*~*

 

A slight shift and more erratic breathing told Kyo that Kagura had finally awoken. He was tempted to fake sleep but that never worked. She always seemed to know he was awake.

 

“Are you okay?” Kagura asked, her voice sweet yet groggy.

 

“Yeah, just woke up a few seconds ago.” He lied. Kagura shifted so she was leaning on her elbow and looking at him.

 

“Bad dream?”

 

`More like bad reality.' Kyo thought, but didn't dare say. “You could say that.” Kagura leaned over him and gave him a quick peck. Kyo tried to hold back the cringe that threatened to appear.

 

“Well you should get some rest, dear. You have work in the morning.” Kyo nodded and swallowed the lump in his throat. “Love you.” Kagura whispered before closing her eyes. Kyo didn't answer.

 

He never answered, didn't she notice? He wanted to confess to her. He wanted to tell her he couldn't do this anymore, that he needed Tohru, but it would only hurt her. He wasn't one to think of other people's feelings, especially Kagura's, but Tohru had taught him that he should.

 

Why couldn't Tohru have stopped the wedding? Run in and shout out that she objected? Because if she had Akito would have killed her right then and there. Kyo had wanted to shout out that he objected, on the grounds that he loved another, but once again Akito. Akito ruled everything the Sohma's did. He played with them like dolls, manipulated their lives, and killed them slowly with mental torture. He was the devil and they were his puppets.

 

*~* I couldn't bear to hurt you but it's all so different now
Things that I was sure of, they have filled me up with doubt*~*

 

Kagura's breathing finally regulated and Kyo knew she was asleep. He felt less tense when she was sleeping, he didn't have to hide things from her when she slept. He didn't have to hide his lack of interest in her, hide his remorse, or hide his love for another.

 

Even though he was stuck in a dead end marriage at least Tohru was safe. This was good for her wasn't it? As long as he stayed away she would live.

 

What were Akito's motives? He was obsessed with Yuki not Kyo. Perhaps he just wanted to break Tohru so that Yuki would never get her. It was obvious that Akito envied Tohru's happy exterior, and how everyone loved her. He was so jealous that all he could do was destroy her.

 

Kyo had known Akito's threat at Tohru's life wasn't empty. Akito was dangerous; he'd proved more then once. So Kyo married to save her. Ruined his life to save her. Died inside to save her. But perhaps that wasn't the right thing to do.

 

He had seen her crying, heard her weeping. She was as good as dead, an empty shell now. Once he had heard the threat he should have run away with her. Somewhere even Akito couldn't reach them, like America. But he hadn't been thinking rashly. He had been thinking quickly, in a panic.

 

Kyo had figured that in time they would both cope. She would learn love again, and he would perhaps learn to live with Kagura. No such luck. If a year couldn't heal the loss, then no amount of time could.

 

*~*I can feel you breathing
It's keeping me awake
Could you stop my heart? It's always beating.
Sinking like a weight*~*

 

Another sigh from Kagura broke Kyo from his thoughts. The smile on her face was a genuine one; he had seen it many times. He had seen it on the day he proposed, and on their wedding day. That look of utter contentment to be with him.

 

Over the past year she had also calmed down considerably. Her fits of violence were few and only happened when she was really excited or angry. She was a decent wife, never complained about anything, but yet he couldn't bear to be here anymore.

 

Even when he was young he believed he would only marry for love. Most people believe that. Most people are free to do that. But Kyo was never like most people and he had suffered his whole life because of it.

 

The regret in his heart began to burn, a steady pang of pain that came and went with the passing months. Kyo gripped his chest and let out a pained groan. The wounds were too deep to heal.

 

*~*How am I supposed to feel about the things I've done?
I don't know if I should stay or turn around and run*~*

 

`How could I have thought this was a smart decision?' he questioned himself. It was causing more damage then good in the end. He was hurting himself, Tohru, and even Kagura initially. Was this Akito's plan? Make as many people unhappy as you possibly can in one sitting?

 

But the worst part was that Kyo was powerless to stop it. The pain in his chest subsided and he ceased his iron grip. Realization hit him and threatened to start the pain again.

 

He was no better then Akito, was he? He had helped cause this pain. He was the main reason it was happening. All this time he had wanted to blame someone else but in reality he had no one to blame but himself. So what if she was threatened? There were ways to protect her. Instead, he just took the easy way out. The way that he thought would solve the problem the fastest and easiest. `Good job Kyo, you're a monster, body and soul. And there is no way to run from yourself.'

 

Kyo quickly got out of bed and ran to the bathroom as the bile threatened to come. He opened the light and ran to the sink. `A monster, body and soul.'

 

*~* I know that I hurt you, things will never be the same
The only love I ever knew, I threw it all away*~*

 

Kyo looked up at his reflection in disgust. No more was that handsome young boy, all that was left was a grotesque young man. He had black circles under his eyes and his eyes were bloodshot. His hair was matted and hadn't been combed through in weeks. `Despicable. A monster.'

 

He had always thought his true form was the monster, but now he knew it was just regular Kyo that was. Plain, old, regular Kyo, the one that would turn his back on love. Tohru was practically dead because of him, Kagura was living in false hope, and of course the rest of the Sohma's hated him for his choice.

 

`Forgive me Tohru, please forgive me.' Kyo felt the prick of tears but he forced them back. Real men didn't cry, but he wasn't a real man anyway. A real man wouldn't inflict emotional pain on the one woman who had changed his life.

 

He didn't even deserve Tohru's forgiveness. She was too kind of a person to be hurt like this. He didn't even deserve her love in the first place.

 

That sickening feeling came back and Kyo closed his eyes. Even if he did throw up it wouldn't help. Nothing ever would. He had ruined his life, and that was it. Like he had said to Tohru that last day, he would never love again.

 

*~* I can feel you breathing
It's keeping me awake
Could you stop my heart? It's always beating.
Sinking like a weight*~*

 

Kyo could hear shuffling from the bedroom and quickly wiped his now slightly damp eyes. Like he had suspected Kagura walked into the bathroom. He glanced over at her and she shot him a look of concern.

 

“Are you okay?” Kagura asked gently. She walked over to him and placed a hand on his back. He wanted to pull away from her but he was too weak.

 

“Just a headache, that's all.” It was more like heartache. Kagura opened the cabinet behind the mirror and took out a bottle of Advil for him.

 

“Take two of those.” Kyo forced a smile.

 

“Will do. Thanks.” Could she hear the lack of real appreciation in his voice?

 

“Do you want me to stay up until it goes away?” Kagura offered. Kyo stopped himself from snorting and simply shook his head.

 

“I'll be fine.” He took out two pills and used some of the bathroom tap water to swallow them. “I feel better already.” Like two Advil could cure the longing to be with Tohru. If only I truly was that simple.

 

“Okay, well come back to bed when you are ready.” With that Kagura walked out of the bathroom. Kyo heard her get back into bed and let himself relax slightly.

 

He closed his eyes to try and get his thoughts in order but all he could hear were Tohru's sobs. The ones induced by his absence in her life. Kyo punched the counter top with all his might in an attempt to free the frustration. He ignored the immediate pain that surfaced. Tears streaked down his face though they weren't from the pain.

 

“I may as well be dead.” Kyo chocked out before heading for the bathroom door. He took one more glance at his reflection in the mirror before closing the light. `What am I saying? I already am dead.'

 

 

 

I'm thinking one more chapter. One that will actually be happy? What do you guys think? If you say no I'll end it here with pure angst. If you say yes I think I have a song that will work. You all can decide!