Fushigi Yuugi Fan Fiction ❯ White Stones in the Moonlight ❯ Consolation ( Chapter 15 )

Disclaimer: The characters from Fushigi Yuugi are the creations and property of Yuu Watase and related enterprises. I do not own them, and do not make any profit from this fiction except for my own enjoyment in spending time with them.

Musical Selection: "Songs from a Secret Garden" by Secret Garden from the CD "Songs from a Secret Garden. " (Whew, try saying that five times fast! Reminds me of Ryuen's "Shichiseishi, shichiseishi, shichiseishi Suzaku! sung to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody in her fic "The FY Variety Hour.")

************************************************************ *******************************************************************

CHAPTER 13. Consolation (Nuriko, Hotohori)

The mid-morning sun slanted through the windows set high in the walls of the bath chamber, casting a golden spotlight on the figure who knelt on the ornate tiles, pouring dipperfuls of water over his dark hair shimmering with violet light. If one were to spy on the slight figure, one would stand spellbound, believing that he had disturbed a magical entity at its toilette. The cascading fall of violet-tinted dark hair that fell past its waist, veiling the delicate features set in a heart-shaped face; the graceful curve of its neck flowing into slender shoulders; the delicate hands matched by equally delicate feet which then led into elegantly curving calves - all these bespoke the feminine aspects of its being. But the entity was also obviously masculine, as evidenced by his slightly too-long arms, especially in the length between shoulder and elbow, giving him the slight gangliness of the adolescent male; the defined muscles of his lean thighs leading up into boyishly narrow hips; and of course, his smooth flat chest, marked with the sign of the willow over his heart...Masculine and feminine principles meeting in this one body, yin and yang blending harmoniously to form a creature of otherworldly beauty - such was the true appearance of the third seishi of Suzaku.

One might also observe the care with which he caressed his hair, rinsing it repeatedly to send the sweet almond oil swirling toward the drain tiles, and mistakenly interpret his gestures as vanity, absorption in his own beauty...unless one happened to glimpse his eyes, not bright with self-satisfaction but rather cloudy with memory, his gaze turned inward, dreaming of the past. As he gently squeezed the water from his hair and pressed the silken strands between the soft folds of a thick towel, his meticulous movements seemed reverential, as if instead of handling his own hair, he was caressing the hair of a beloved companion. And in Nuriko's mind, that was exactly what he was doing.

Nuriko could never touch his hair nor gaze at it unbound without the sight and feel of it bringing back vivid memories of his beloved Kourin. It was one of the many characteristics that he and Kourin shared - the abundant violet hair that grew thick and luxurious, falling to the waist in Kourin's case. But as for Ryuuen...well, hair so long and thick was not considered masculine, so every three months or so, their father would cut Ryuuen's hair back to shoulder length, then have it bound tightly in the top-knot worn by all the other boys in the city. Kourin would weep each time their father cut her brother's hair, trying futilely to gather up the six-inch tresses as they drifted across the floor. Ryuuen would do his best to comfort her. "Don't cry, Kouri-chan. It will grow back - it always does. So don't cry...Here, let me brush your hair for you - that will make us both feel better, ne?" She would smile through her tears, fetch the brush and unpin her hair, letting it tumble down her back like skeins of unbound silk. He would brush her hair reverently, feeling the silken strands whisper through his fingers as they communed in silence, sharing the unique bond that made them more like soulmates than siblings.

And after her death...Nuriko's eyes darkened as he remembered those desolate, empty days...after her death, he swore never to cut his hair again, holding on to his tresses as the last remnants of her in his life. Even as he assumed her identity, donning her dresses and imitating her mannerisms...these still did not keep her memory as vibrantly alive as the feel of his own hair. His father beat him the first few times that he was caught wearing his sister's clothes, but soon gave up as the beatings had little effect on Ryuuen. Ryuuen never cried out at the pain - what pain could be worse than the torment of losing the one he loved most in this life? He merely returned to doing all he could to keep the memory of Kourin alive, and his father watched silently as his second son let his hair grow long and full. His father never again remonstrated with Ryuuen about his appearance...the man just grew ever more silent as the months passed, watching his son turn into his lost daughter. Ryuuen had taken the silence as disapproval...but sometimes, if he turned quickly, he would catch his father gazing at him with something akin to longing in his eyes. And now Nuriko, eight years older and wiser, wondered if he had been unfair to his father; if perhaps his father had mourned his lost child as strongly as had Ryuuen. If he had, he would have found little sympathy from his friends and customers. They would not understand the point in mourning for a girl-child when he had two fine sons. So perhaps his father's silence had not been disapproval but rather suppressed grief - grief compounded by the fact that he had ended up losing his second son in addition to his daughter.

After a few years passed, Ryuuen's parents had to send him away to live with his uncle and aunt. Ryuuen now went by the name of Kourin, and there was some confusion in the minds of long-time friends as to whether it was Kourin or Ryuuen who had died in the street that long-ago day. But a few customers remembered, and Ryuuen's elder brother Rokou had become the subject of taunts and beatings as the brother to an "okama." The same bullies would never taunt Ryuuen himself - they were too fearful of his swift and strong retaliation. But the miserable whining of Rokou, combined with the now alarming appearance of suitors for "Lady Kourin's" hand, forced Ryuuen's parents to take action and send their second son/daughter away before scandal forced them to lose their business. Ryuuen was glad to go; he wanted to fully become Kourin and this was his chance to get away from people who tied him to his former masculine identity.

Nuriko dressed himself carefully, trying to suppress the memories of that adventure in the mountains, not wanting to remember how he had loved and lost a sister yet again...He pushed his mind to the following weeks, when he first became a member of the Imperial harem, and when he first laid eyes on the man who would forever hold his heart. Nuriko knew full well what a risk it was for him to attempt to deceive the emperor of Konan - his greatest victory, being chosen as Empress, would inevitably become his downfall, as the Emperor would have him executed for his deceit. But by that time, Nuriko cared little for his life, still in mourning for his friend Byakuren. So the "Lady Kourin" held herself apart from the other concubines, keeping to her quarters, never sharing the communal baths, partaking only minimally in court gossip... gaining a reputation as a difficult and proud woman. Some of the concubines hated her for her aloofness, while others foresaw her as the future Empress and tried to court her favor. Because she stayed out of the inner social circle, she never really learned that much about the Emperor himself - only that he was young and equally as aloof as she. So it came as a shock to Nuriko, on the day of his formal presentation to Emperor Saihitei, to look up into the golden eyes of a boy his own age instead of a young man several years older. Nor was he prepared for the overwhelming beauty of the youth, beauty that rivaled his own. Nuriko remembered little of what Saihitei had said to him - he was so lost in admiration that he was only vaguely aware of the words of kind but cool welcome and completely unaware of his own stammered replies.

Nuriko smiled as he remembered the first time that the two had ever really talked to each other. Closing his eyes, he let memory carry him back in time to a warm, jasmine-scented night almost two years ago...

************************************************************* ******************************************************************

I t had been a moonlit night, and Nuriko had slipped out of the concubine quarters to catch a breath of fresh air. He wandered stealthily around the palace grounds, inhaling the intoxicating scents of jasmine and gardenia, feeling free for the first time in months. When he had decided to join the Imperial harem, he had not realized that he was voluntarily walking into a prison - a luxurious silk-lined prison, but a prison nonetheless. The sense of confinement was choking him, and he was willing to take any risk just to get free, if only for a few stolen minutes. As he walked along the moonlit path, he thought that he heard movement behind him, so he whirled around, backing away as he nervously eyed the surrounding trees. To his shock and terror, he felt himself bump into a warm body. He began to shriek in surprise, but a large hand clamped down over his mouth, and he was dragged back into the bushes. "Hush!" whispered a velvety voice, and Nuriko ceased his struggles, unwillingly captivated by the smooth tones. Footsteps crunched on the gravel path, and Nuriko recognized the booted feet of an Imperial guard, peering suspiciously into the greenery until he moved on to continue his nightly rounds. Nuriko heard a soft sigh of relief from his captor and wondered whether he was being held by a thief - or an assassin. The thought of someone trying to harm the emperor filled him with rage. Grasping the arms that surrounded him, he pulled hard, bending over and flipping his captor over his head, the man landing on his back with a muffled "Oof!" Nuriko moved swiftly, pinning the man to the ground with his skirted knee, then placing the outer edge of his right hand against the man's throat.

Dark golden eyes stared up into his, wide with surprise, the shock soon mirrored in his own violet eyes as Nuriko recognized the man he had thrown. "Heika!" gasped Nuriko, his shock and dismay driving his voice up into the upper ranges, making him sound exactly like the concubine he pretended to be. He quickly removed his knee from Saihitei's chest and pulled the young emperor to his feet, frantically dusting off his royal garments. The dark golden eyes creased in amusement, Saihitei catching Nuriko's hands to stop his frantic ministrations. "Shhh, it's alright." he tried to reassure his panicked concubine. "Don't worry...I won't hurt you." Nuriko stared at the emperor, seeing the long unbound chestnut hair and the amusement in the beautiful eyes, feeling the warmth of the elegant hands as they grasped his own...and then felt something inside his heart go "click" as he suddenly experienced a sense of connection that had been missing from his life since Kourin's death. It was as if he recognized Saihitei on some deep spiritual level, recognized him as a soulmate...or a long-lost love from a former life. A blush spread across his face, visible even in the moonlight, and the emperor smiled even wider at his concubine's discomfiture.

Saihitei inclined his head in an exaggerated formal nod. "Lady...Kourin, I believe?" he asked, his voice lilting with soft mockery and genuine amusement. Nuriko blushed even more and nodded dumbly. Saihitei continued. "What, may I ask, are you doing wandering around the palace grounds at night, skulking in the shadows and hiding from the Imperial guard?" Some demon of self-destruction suddenly took over Nuriko's brain, and he saw standing before him a boy of his own age, taller, yes, and heart-stoppingly beautiful - but still just a peer, a youth no more mature than himself. Before he could stop himself, Ryuuen came to the forefront and answered the emperor's accusations with one of his own. "I might ask the same of you, heika. Why should an emperor fear his own guard? It seems that I'm not the only one trying to hide tonight." Saihitei's eyes widened briefly at his concubine's spirited reply, then narrowed in amusement again. "You're right, it seems that we both have something to hide. So why don't you tell me your secret, and I'll tell you mine."

Nuriko swallowed, suddenly realizing the impropriety of his remarks to the Emperor. "H-heika!" he stammered. "I apologize profusely for my insolence..."

"No, don't try to pull that shy, stammering act on me now - I've already seen your true self, and you can't hide from me now. I've also felt your unusual... strength..." he laughed ruefully, rubbing his back. "So come on," suddenly his voice held the wheedling, teasing note of a normal 16-year-old boy, "tell me your secrets, and we'll see if we're kindred spirits."

Nuriko blushed again, his heart hammering at Saihitei's words, words so close to his thoughts of a few moments ago. He decided to be honest, casting caution to the wind. "I just feel so trapped sometimes, heika - every minute of every day is so restricted, my behavior so carefully observed and corrected, that sometimes I just feel like I have to get away from it all!" He realized that he had just indicted the entire concubine system to its master and flinched in anticipation of Saihitei's reaction.

But the golden eyes just grew sad, looking inward instead of out. "You may find this hard to believe, Lady Kourin, but I know exactly how you feel...like a bird in a cage, ne? And we can both name every bar of that cage, can't we? Duty, honor, responsibility, propriety...we can go on and on, but it doesn't make us any freer, does it?"

Nuriko's eyes widened at Saihitei's comprehension of his feelings...and at the strange sensation that gripped him as he felt his heart almost literally leave his body, leaving to settle in the unknowing grasp of the man who smiled at him in the moonlight. He felt uncertain, dizzy, confused...he had never felt attracted to a man before. Ryuuen's assumption of Kourin's identity had nothing to do with a secret desire to be with men - he had merely wanted to be Kourin, who happened to be a girl. But with recognition of his love came clarity...what he felt toward Saihitei was a meeting of souls, and the packaging of the soul had nothing to do with the intensity of his love. He would have loved Saihitei if Saihitei had been a woman instead of a man, and the same went for his own sexual identity. Nuriko felt the first tremulous stirrings of joy in his heart.

Saihitei continued, unaware of the sudden turmoil in his companion's breast. "So we are kindred spirits, then...both seeking at least a temporary escape." He smiled sadly at his concubine. "There is no true escape for me...at least not yet. But perhaps I can help you...perhaps I can release you from your obligation, so that you can return home."

Nuriko felt his world crash as suddenly as it had been uplifted. He blanched in the moonlight, his violet eyes filling helplessly with tears. "No, please… heika...please don't send me away! I have no other home now...I have no one!" he gasped.

Saihitei reached out and wiped the tears from the beautiful violet eyes. "Hush, don't cry." he said soothingly. "I don't mean to upset you! You may stay if you wish, but there is no future in being a concubine. I will tell you my secret...I have no intention of choosing a bride from the ranks of the royal concubines. I'm waiting for someone..." his voice trailed off and a faraway look entered his eyes.

Nuriko was surprised by the sudden pain in his heart...and the novel sensation of jealousy. "Someone?" he echoed, his voice suddenly raspy with suppressed pain. "A noble lady...?"

Saihitei smiled. "I don't know..." he murmured, then laughed at the confused look on Nuriko's face. "It's true - I do not know her yet. She is a lady of prophecy...the Priestess of Suzaku."

"She will come from another world..." murmured Nuriko, familiar with the legends of Suzaku - as well he should have been, being a celestial warrior himself.

Saihitei stared at Nuriko in surprise. "You are a woman of many secrets, Lady Kourin. It seems that you are destined to always surprise me."

Nuriko smiled at the unconscious irony of Saihitei's remark. "You have no idea," he murmured. He pictured the Priestess of legend...a mystical woman, no doubt...willowy, graceful, intelligent...magical. How could he ever hope to compete with such an ideal of female perfection...and how could he even consider competing with his own priestess, to whom he would owe his allegiance? Feeling the sudden onset of grief at losing Saihitei so soon after finding him, Nuriko began to back away, back onto the path that led to the concubine quarters. "It's time for me to return..." he began to say hesitantly, then felt himself pulled backwards for the second time that night.

He glanced back to see the glaring eyes of the Imperial guard, who held his arm in an iron grip. "Here, I knew I heard something before! What are you doing out here, my Lady?" His voice was heavy with sarcasm. "Did you come to meet someone?! Someone from Kutou, perhaps?!"

Nuriko gasped, realizing his compromising position. "No one - I'm alone!" he stammered, willing Saihitei to slip away before he was also apprehended and placed in an embarrassing position. "I just wanted a breath of fresh air!"

"Oh, and there's no fresh air in the concubine gardens?" snarled the guard. "Let's see how much you appreciate the fresh air in the Imperial prisons!"

Suddenly there was a blur of motion, and Saihitei stood before the guard, his sword pointed at the man's throat. "Unhand the lady," he commanded in his velvety voice.

The guard paled, dropping Nuriko's arm immediately. "H-h-heika!" he stammered. "I had no idea that you...you and she...that you two were..."

"Stop while you're ahead...and while you still have a head." Saihitei warned in a silky voice. "I will hear no slander against the Lady Kourin...especially not if it involves me. Neither she nor I have done anything to dishonor her good name, and if I hear any gossip to the contrary, I will know where to look for the source! Do we understand each other?"

"Yes, heika!" gasped the guard.

"Good. Now there is one thing you may tell your fellow guards. Lady Kourin is to have free access to any of the palace grounds at any hour she chooses, and she need not answer to any of you. This is by my command, and I expect to be obeyed! Is there any question you may wish to ask me?"

Nuriko blinked at the sudden arrogance in Saihitei's tone. The guard paled yet again at having offended the Emperor. "No, heika! Everything is perfectly clear!"

"Very well. I expect you to escort the lady back to her quarters...unless she chooses to go elsewhere." He raised an eyebrow at Nuriko, who shook his head dumbly, still overwhelmed by the recent turn of events. Saihitei finally smiled once again. "Well, good night, then, Lady Kourin."

"Good night..." Nuriko trailed off, uncertain of what else to say. As he walked away with the guard, he turned back to look once more at the young emperor. Saihitei met his gaze with another smile...and gave him a wink.

************************************************************** *****************************************************************

Nu riko shook himself and returned to combing his hair, once more in the present. He and Saihitei never had the chance to speak to one another in private again, the increasing tensions between Kutou and Konan now occupying nearly all of the emperor's time. Nuriko felt that Saihitei had probably forgotten about him…but he never forgot that night, that glimpse into the young emperor's soul. No matter how vain or aloof Saihitei appeared to the rest of the world, Nuriko always remembered the youth trapped beneath the crown…and he always loved that kindred soul, if only from a distance. He would often walk through the Imperial gardens at night, hoping to once more encounter the man he had grown to love, but Saihitei could no longer escape his responsibilities, not even in the dead of night. So it was that they never formed the friendship that might have been - not until they set out on their adventures with the Priestess of Suzaku. Nuriko laughed suddenly, his first real laugh in the past three days, at the thought of his and Hotohori's expectations of the embodiment of the Priestess, compared to the reality that was Miaka. Cute rather than beautiful, short rather than willowy, plain-spoken, impulsive, fun-loving, clumsy and forever hungry! - no, she was hardly the mystical lady of prophesy they had expected...and yet she was so much more. She was all heart, her loving nature provoking a similar response in all who came to know her, even if they had no intention of even liking her. Nuriko smiled again at the memory of his determination to hate her, once he had met her and found her unworthy (in his mind) of his emperor. No matter how much he tried to hurt her and shut her out, she kept stumbling clumsily into his life, breaking down his barriers until she made a place for herself in his heart. Was it any wonder that she had also managed to captivate an emperor, a young warrior who claimed to love only money, and now a bandit who claimed to hate women?

The smile left Nuriko's face as he thought of Tasuki and Miaka...and Tamahome. Bleakness settled in his heart once again as he thought of his close friend's inconsolable pain. He felt as if Tamahome were dying...and as if he himself was crying out warnings to all their friends but going unheard, his screams remaining nightmarishly silent. But that wasn't quite right, was it? In fact, their fellow seishi and miko had tried to reach out to Tamahome, but it was Nuriko himself who stood in their way, enforcing Tamahome's command to be left alone. Nuriko frowned in confusion as he was once more filled with doubt. Was he doing the right thing, staying by Tamahome's side as his only friend? Or was he assisting Tamahome in his increased isolation, becoming an accessory to his friend's slow suicide? Oh, gods, he needed to talk to someone to get advice about this situation! ...and he knew who it was that he so desperately needed to see. But as far as he knew, there was still no word from Chichiri, bringing yet another pang of worry and fear to Nuriko's heart. Was the monk supposed to be gone this long? Perhaps he should question Mitsukake, the last person to talk to Chichiri before he left on his mission. Nuriko knew that he should probably put his trust in Mitsukake and ask his advice about Tamahome - the healer had obviously worked wonders with Tasuki - but Nuriko couldn't help but feel a closer bond with Chichiri, especially since becoming the sorcerer's apprentice one week ago.

Nuriko winced at a sudden pain in his middle: the result of all his worries pouring into his empty stomach. Gods, he was getting nearly as anorexic as Tamahome...and the last thing he needed was to be confined to Mitsukake's clinic, helpless and unable to do anything for Tamahome. He knew that he had better get something to eat before returning to his friend's side...and Tamahome had gently urged Nuriko to leave him alone anyway, asking for some privacy for awhile. So Nuriko headed toward the palace dining hall, leaving his damp cascade of violet hair unbound so that the thick strands could dry faster outside the confines of his now customary braid.

The late morning sun was shining through the tall, narrow windows of the dining hall, casting bright light on some parts of the long room but leaving the head of the dining table in shadow. Nuriko trudged wearily into the room for the first time in more than a week. For the past week, he had been sending servants to the kitchens to request meals for himself and Tamahome and deliver the food to his room to keep the servants from knowing that he and Tamahome were actually staying in the palace prison. It was almost comforting to step into the familiar surroundings where everyone had shared so much laughter and camaraderie in the not-so-distant past. He did not expect to encounter any of his fellow seishi at this odd hour; it was far too late for breakfast and still too early for lunch. He was hoping only to request a little rice or soup from the kitchen staff. So he was startled to see a familiar figure seated at the shadowed far end of the table, long hair flowing over his shoulders as he contemplated his steepled fingers.

"Your Highness!" stammered Nuriko. "I'm sorry - I didn't mean to disturb you." The figure looked up, equally startled, the dark golden eyes widening in surprise...and in pleasure? Nuriko thought that he must be imagining things and began to back out of the room.

"Don't go, Nuriko." The velvety voice captivated Nuriko as always. Hotohori rose from his chair to lead the weary seishi to the seat next to him. "You didn't disturb me. I was hoping for someone to join me...and I'm glad that it's you. I...I've missed seeing you for such a long time now."

Nuriko's heart thumped in surprise. Ever since they had returned from Choko, Hotohori, although unceasingly kind, was careful to keep a certain distance between them. It had cost Nuriko many tears, losing the close camaraderie and friendship that they had just begun to share...but he had also understood that it was Hotohori's way of gently rejecting his love. What other choice had Nuriko but to accept the rejection as gracefully as he could? So he was surprised and not a little confused by the sudden warmth in Hotohori's voice.

"You look tired," Hotohori continued, peering into Nuriko's face with concern. "Have you eaten anything today?" Nuriko shook his head. "Let me get you a bowl of rice to tide you over until lunch. The kitchen staff should have lunch ready in an hour, but I'll run back there right now and see what they may have ready in the meantime..."

Nuriko's eyes widened at the thought of the consternation in the kitchen should the emperor suddenly appear in person to beg a bowl of rice. "No, heika, it's alright - I can wait until lunch. I was just hoping for a little quiet time."

"Of course," said Hotohori quickly. "Would you mind very much if I shared that time with you?"

Nuriko was charmed as usual by the emperor's gentle politeness, a characteristic at odds with his position as the most powerful man in Konan. "I would be glad of your company, heika," he replied warmly.

"Let's go out into the fresh air and sunshine." Hotohori took Nuriko's arm and steered him through the doors that led to the balcony that overlooked the east lawn of the palace.

************************************************************ *******************************************************************

The late morning sun shimmered on the east lawn of the palace, reminding Nuriko of that afternoon three days ago when he had briefly flown away from his troubles. Now as it had then, the fresh air began to lift his spirits, the comforting feelings enhanced by the presence of the man who stood close beside him, no longer keeping the previous distance between them. Nuriko breathed in deeply, feeling the sunshine warming his back and drying his hair. He ran his fingers through the heavy strands to let the breeze flow freely between his tresses...and caught the emperor gazing at him with something like wonder in his eyes. Hotohori suddenly blushed, and Nuriko blushed in response. "I'm sorry," Hotohori said softly. "I didn't mean to stare...but I haven't seen you with your hair like this since you left the concubine quarters..." Nuriko couldn't think of any reply to this startlingly personal remark, so he just gave Hotohori a tremulous smile.

Still embarrassed, Hotohori changed the subject. "So how are you, Nuriko?" Nuriko lifted one shoulder in a noncommittal shrug. "And Tamahome?" Hotohori continued.

Nuriko closed his eyes, feeling the pain take hold of his heart once again. "Not good, I'm sorry to say, heika...not good at all." Neither of them noticed the figure who had entered the dining hall and now stood in the shadows, listening transfixed to their conversation as it drifted in through the open doors to the balcony.

Nuriko continued, his expression darkening. "Although Chichiri successfully exorcised the oni one week ago, Tamahome still refuses to leave his cell. He knows full well that he is no longer a danger to anyone - so I know the reason he stays in prison is to punish himself. Each day, he slips a little deeper into his depression; he sleeps far too much, refuses to attend to his personal appearance, refuses to see anyone except for me, and has stopped eating for the past five days. I wish that I could talk him into coming out just for a little while, maybe to get some fresh air and feel the sun once again - but he's terrified! And I know what frightens him the most: the thought that he will turn a corner and come face-to-face with Tasuki. I myself don't know what would transpire between the two should that occur - but Tama can't run away forever...unless he chooses to run away into death!" Tears began to slip from Nuriko's eyes. "If he doesn't start eating again on his own, I'm going to have to do what we did yesterday and hold him down while Mitsukake tries to force-feed him - and I can tell you that the experience was the closest I've come to hell on this earth since I arrived at the palace! If Chichiri doesn't return soon with some solution to our problems, I don't know what I'm going to do!!" Nuriko sobbed, unable to stop himself. Suddenly, two arms surrounded him and pulled him into a warm embrace. Hotohori held Nuriko close, stroking his hair as Nuriko cried against his chest. Once again, neither noticed the figure in the dining hall, who turned and strode out of the room.

After a while, Nuriko calmed and realized who was comforting him. "Heika, I...I apologize..." he stammered.

"No, please don't apologize - and don't pull away either, Nuriko. This is the first useful thing I've done since this whole tragedy transpired." Hotohori's arms tightened around Nuriko. "You are all working so hard to make things right again...Chichiri on his mission; Mitsukake, Miaka and Chiriko with Tasuki; you with Tamahome...Only I stand alone off to the side, useless. If I can offer you even a moment's respite from your cares, then perhaps I can justify my existence as a Suzaku seishi after all."

"Heika!" protested Nuriko, shocked. "How can you think that? It is you who shelters us, binding us all together. It is your calm wisdom that keeps Konan running normally, hiding our troubles from Kutou. Without you and your wise rule, we would truly be lost!"

Hotohori tightened his grip on Nuriko once again. "Thank you, Nuriko. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. Even in the depths of your pain and exhaustion, you still reach out to comfort me. Do you have any idea of how much I depend on you?"

Nuriko pulled away, suddenly shy, his heart racing. He began to walk slowly along the balcony, but turned back and smiled over his shoulder at Hotohori. Hotohori took the invitation and caught up to Nuriko, matching his pace. They walked in silence for a while, not touching but enjoying their sudden closeness.

Nuriko noticed the emperor's simple clothes for the first time. "Heika! I haven't seen you in those clothes since our adventure to gather the shichiseishi! You look good…" He blushed suddenly at his words, and tried to cover his embarrassment by saying quickly, "but isn't it shocking to the palace staff to see you out of your Imperial robes?"

Hotohori shrugged, moving comfortably in his commoner's clothes, his long hair swaying around him. "I've decided not to concern myself with what the servants think - I am the Emperor after all, and I should be able to do as I choose." His dark gold eyes twinkled, belying the arrogance of his words. "To tell you the truth, Nuriko, I put on these garments to make myself feel better. It was while wearing these clothes that I felt the most useful, the most like a true seishi of Suzaku...and it was while wearing these clothes that I felt closest to you." His gentle voice became wistful. "We were comrades then, weren't we? We were friends…"

Nuriko stared at Hotohori in surprise. "Heika, I thought that you considered me a…bother, an embarrassment…your ex-concubine-turned-seishi, always hanging on your robes…" He tried to sound as if he were joking, but Hotohori caught on to the suppressed pain in his voice. He turned and caught Nuriko's hands in his own.

"Nuriko, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the way I made you feel…"

At that moment, the sound of childish laughter floated up to the balcony, and they could see Miaka chasing Chiriko across the velvet lawn as they ran to the palace for lunch. A shadow crossed Hotohori's face. "I, too, know how it feels to be rejected." he whispered, his eyes lingering on Miaka for a moment. "First in favor of Tamahome, now in favor of Tasuki…I guess there really aren't any advantages in being Emperor, are there?" He smiled at Nuriko, but Nuriko's eyes were sad. Remorseful, Hotohori squeezed Nuriko's hands again. "That's why you mean so much to me, Nuriko. You see me for the man I am, with my weaknesses and vanity - and you love me anyway. I often wish," he pulled Nuriko to his chest again, "that I could be free to show you just how important you are to me." Nuriko could feel Hotohori's heart beating rapidly against his own. Could this possibly mean…? His heart rate picked up to match the emperor's.

"But even now, my counselors badger me for a royal marriage and an heir. They see war with Kutou approaching rapidly, and they want to make sure that I produce a replacement for myself should I fall in battle." Hotohori's smile was tinged with bitterness. "And so, as I prepare to bend to their will and the will of Konan, I ask myself - am I a responsible ruler…or a wretched coward?"

Nuriko looked up into Hotohori's face to see a tear escape from the beautiful golden eyes. He reached his hand up and caught the tear on his finger, watching it sparkle in the sunlight like a diamond. "You are no coward, Saihitei." he murmured softly, "Just a bird in a gilded cage…a bird who clips his own wings for the sake of others."

Hotohori smiled down at Nuriko, then, catching his hand in his own, flung the tear to fall sparkling through the air until it was lost to sight. "I knew that you would understand me, Ryuuen. And I like it when you call me by my name."

"You know that I'll always be here for you, Saihitei." promised Nuriko, looking up at the man who would forever hold his heart.

"Yes…and that's what makes this life bearable for me." Hotohori took Nuriko's hand and turned back toward the dining hall. "Now let's get you something to eat before Miaka finishes it all!" They laughed happily, then took off for the dining hall at a run, still holding hands.

************************************************************* ******************************************************************

***** *************************************************************************** ***********************************************

Glossary of Japanese Terms:

okama - homosexual or crossdresser (slang)

Heika - Your Majesty; respectful form of address to the emperor

Author's notes: (8-2-03) Here goes another long chapter…and another long set of author's ramblings!

First of all, I'm sorry that I've been gone for so long, but I've been grappling with real life issues related to work. So please forgive me for the long delay…though the one I must beg forgiveness from is Tamahome, since I've kept him incarcerated longer than I originally intended! But take heart - the long-awaited Tamahome chapter is the next full chapter of White Stones after a comical little interlude that will be posted immediately after this chapter. So the good news is that the evil author is bringing back Tamahome from his long hiatus at last. And I did miss him…really, I did. As I said before, I love him!! Hell, I love ALL of the Suzaku crew!

Next, I'm truly shaking in my boots at my attempt to tackle the Nuriko/Hotohori relationship, especially with my "additions" to Nuriko's past. So, let me have it, all you Nuri experts! I can take it! Chao-chan has conditioned me to take the odd shot to the jaw! ^~ and to lower regions, too! (the sound of a drill starts up in the distance as Chao-chan dons a goalie mask.)

Finally, as I've said before, I'm posting a little interlude to answer Chao-chan's demand to know when EXACTLY Miaka learned Tasuki's real name. Well, it takes place in the timeline before Ch. 10, Enchantment, and shows that if two people spend time in the same bed together, and they're not "doing the nasty", they may possibly talk to each other and so learn something about each other! So be happy, Chao-chan!! (grins)

Ja ne, everybody!

Roku-chan