Fushigi Yuugi Fan Fiction ❯ White Stones in the Moonlight ❯ Physician ( Chapter 7 )

The characters from Fushigi Yuugi are the creations and property of Yuu Watase and related enterprises. I do not own them, and do not make any profit from this fiction except for my own enjoyment in spending time with them.

**************************************************************** ****************************************************

CHAPTER 7: Physician (Mitsukake, Tasuki)

Mitsukake walked quietly through the palace in the pre-dawn light. It had been a few hours since he had seen Chichiri off on his journey, but the big man found himself unable to sleep. He felt the responsibility for the welfare of his fellow seishi weighing heavily upon him ever since Chichiri had ridden off into the darkness. He closed his eyes and sent a brief prayer to Suzaku for the safety of his friend, asking fervently for the monk's quick return. He didn't know how long he could hold the shattered company of warriors together without Chichiri's help.

Had it really been just 24 hours since Tamahome had pulled him from his sleep only to thrust him into a waking nightmare? It felt as if he had been dealing with the pain and anguish of his young friends for a very long time now. He frowned angrily - Yes, dealing with it, but accomplishing almost nothing. He felt useless, superfluous - Chichiri, Nuriko, and Miaka had achieved much more than he in healing their wounded companions. Mitsukake wished that he could just lift up his hand and use his seishi power to heal all of the broken bodies and souls in the palace at once - but he knew that such power was beyond his capabilities. However, Chichiri had granted him permission to heal the most gravely wounded of the players in this tragedy, and that thought made Mitsukake feel a little more useful.

Quietly pulling open the door to Tasuki's chamber, Mitsukake peered inside. Miaka still lay sleeping in the bed, wearing the brightly patterned shirt and trousers that she called "pajamas", her auburn hair tumbled loosely around her. But she was alone in the bed, Tasuki no longer curled up at her side. Worried, Mitsukake leaned further into the room and spied Tasuki standing at the window, still clad in the white shirt and loose trousers that he habitually slept in, watching the first rays of the sun peek over the horizon. Mitsukake noticed the tension in the young seishi's shoulders and the slight trembling in his limbs. He tapped softly on the doorframe to alert Tasuki to his presence without waking Miaka. Startled, Tasuki turned around, hastily wiping the tears from his face at the sight of the tall doctor.

Mitsukake beckoned Tasuki out into the hall, professionally noting the stiffness of Tasuki's gait, due to his severe back injury and ... other injuries. "Let's go to my clinic - it's time." he whispered to Tasuki. The young seishi nodded, remaining silent so as to avoid waking Miaka. Mitsukake tried to support Tasuki with an arm under his elbow but found himself shaken off angrily.

When they arrived at the rooms that Mitsukake had designated as his clinic, Mitsukake waved Tasuki toward his examination couch. He closed his eyes and concentrated his ki, sending his seishi healing power to surround the young bandit, bathing him in the greenish glow of the floating spheres. Tasuki stiffened at first, then relaxed, yielding to the warmth of the ki force as it gently healed all of the wounds of his body. It was soon finished, and Mitsukake had Tasuki remove his shirt, noting with satisfaction the disappearance of the huge bruise on the younger man's back. Pulling on his shirt, Tasuki mumbled "Thanks, Mitsukake", and got up to leave.

"Wait, Tasuki. We're not finished here. We need to talk."

A flash of anger crossed the young seishi's face but he sat down obediently, crossing his arms over his chest. "What about?" he asked defensively.

"We need to talk about the other night. There are things you need to understand..."

"Oh, is this where you tell me about the facts of life, Dad?" the bandit interrupted sarcastically. "Where you tell me about how Part A goes into Part B, except sometimes there isn't a Part B, so Part A goes into Part C, which hurts like hell! I don't need this lecture, Mitsukake! - I had an up close and personal tutoring session the other night, and I think it's fair to say that I know more about the subject than you do! So just shut up and let me go!"

Mitsukake took a deep breath and counted to ten, trying not to lose his temper. He unclenched his fists, amazed at how easily Tasuki could penetrate his shield of calm professionalism and reduce him to mindless anger. The young bandit had had that effect on him from the moment of their first meeting, kicking down the walls that Mitsukake had carefully constructed around himself and forcing him into dealing with people again. He honestly didn't understand how Tasuki got on his nerves so quickly - of course, the fiery seishi seemed to have that effect on many people, considering the number of times that Nuriko had punched him into walls and Tamahome had leaped into brawls with him...That thought sobered Mitsukake immediately, and he calmed down in an attempt to reach Tasuki again.

"Tasuki, please listen to me. There are consequences to what happened to you, long-term effects you need to be aware of..."

"Oh, NO!!" shrieked Tasuki, jumping up from the couch and clasping his hands together melodramatically. "Are you telling me that I could be PREGNANT?!!"

That was it - Mitsukake's thin thread of self-control snapped. Grabbing the young seishi by the shoulders, he flung Tasuki back onto the couch. "Just SHUT UP for one minute and LISTEN to me!" he shouted into Tasuki's face.

He realized his mistake immediately. Tasuki's amber eyes had widened and become unfocused, and he began breathing rapidly and shallowly, hyperventilating. He drew his knees up to his chest, and all of his limbs began to tremble uncontrollably. He turned his eyes to Mitsukake in panic, struggling to get air into his lungs. Mitsukake moved quickly, dumping instruments out of a silk bag and placing the bag over Tasuki's nose and mouth. Tasuki tried to knock the bag away, but Mitsukake held it firmly in place. "Breathe slower, Tasuki. Breathe in and out into the bag, and try to slow your breaths to my counts…in, out, one, two…"

Eventually, Tasuki regained control of his breathing, though he continued to tremble. "What the hell was that?!" he gasped, looking at Mitsukake, his eyes widened in fear. "Did I just have a heart attack?"

"No, thank the gods, it's not as serious as that. What you just had was a type of fear episode, a reaction to a situation that took your mind back to what happened to you the other night. Your entire body reacted as if you were back in that room - your body was panicking; trying to fight and trying to escape at the same time."

"But I knew that I was here, not there! I could see you and this whole room - I didn't have visions or anything making me think that I was back there. I don't understand! Why did that happen?!"

"Tasuki, this is one of those after-effects of your trauma that I was trying to warn you about. You went through hell the other night, and that's something that neither your mind nor your body can forget. You were injured just as much inside your mind as you were on the outside of your body - worse actually, because my healing powers can't extend to inside your head. The only thing that is going to heal you is time… time, and learning how to cope with your traumatized mind as if it were an injured limb. That's why I wanted to talk to you - I want to help you through this, Tasuki, but you have to trust me if I'm to do you any good."

Tasuki looked away, his face bitterly sad. His expression made Mitsukake's heart ache unexpectedly- to see the bright, laughing, lively boy of last week replaced with this broken, saddened man. "So you're telling me that I'll never be normal again… that I can go crazy at any time and not be able to control it. You're telling me that not even my mind is my own anymore…" his voice trailed off, sounding defeated, bitter.

"No, Tasuki, that's not what I meant. What I'm trying to tell you is that you've been hurt, been injured, and that you have to work on healing yourself, allowing yourself time and taking advantage of any help that you can get. If you had broken your arm in a bandit raid, you would be stupid to try to lift a broadsword or draw a bow. You would be equally stupid to decide that you could never draw a sword or a bow again. But just as a broken bone can heal crooked, your mind can begin to control you instead of the other way around, if you don't learn the proper techniques to deal with your pain. So, for the third time, will you let me help you? Or do you dislike me so much that you would rather remain lost in your own private hell than take my hand to pull you out?" Mitsukake's last words were spoken with a bitterness that nearly matched Tasuki's.

Tasuki looked up, surprised at the pain in the elder seishi's voice. "I don't dislike you, Mitsukake! I just don't really know you all that well. We hardly ever talk unless it's about seishi business, and we have almost nothing in common. I thought it was you who disliked me - I've seen the way you look at me sometimes, and you have this expression on your face like I'm the biggest jerk you've ever seen…"

Mitsukake flushed guiltily, remembering his harsh words to Chichiri about Tasuki. "Maybe we just started out on the wrong foot with each other. Maybe we can start over again, deal?" He smiled at Tasuki, holding out his hand. Tasuki smiled back uncertainly but grasped Mitsukake's hand and pulled himself up off the couch.

"Okay, tell me what to do!" Tasuki said, with forced cheerfulness. "Just give me the herbs or whatever it is I'm supposed to take, and tell me how many doses..."

"It doesn't work that way." Mitsukake interrupted. "There isn't a magic formula you can swallow to make everything better. This is going to take work on both our parts, hours and hours of intensive work, and we might as well get started now. We have to teach you how to understand and control the feelings and mental side-effects that are going to manifest themselves in the oncoming days."

"So how do we do that?" asked Tasuki, confused.

"We talk." replied Mitsukake simply.

"Talk about what?"

"Everything… but especially the hard things, the painful things that you probably want to push aside, that you don't want to think about."

"Won't that make things worse, bringing up that shit and reminding me of it over and over again?" A resentful note crept back into Tasuki's voice.

Mitsukake sighed. "Tasuki, this 'shit' as you call it isn't going to go away. It might go into hiding if you push it away hard enough, but it will always come back, usually in an uglier and more powerful form. These repressed feelings may come out in things like, oh, say, lashing out at Miaka and making her cry…"

Tasuki paled at the thought of being the cause of Miaka's tears. "All right, Mitsukake. I'm willing to give this a try. So where do we start?"

"Let's start with what happened to you just now, this fear reaction. You've seen how it can suddenly take you by surprise. These reactions can happen at the slightest provocation, at anything that reminds you of that night… little things, like the sound of something falling, even seeing a certain angle of light… or a bigger stimulus, like an incredibly stupid person grabbing you and throwing you across a room…"

Tasuki smiled at the proffered apology, then frowned as he caught the implications of Mitsukake's words. "What?! Do you mean that if I get in a fight or maybe a battle, and somebody tries to throw me around, I'm gonna freak out like that?! That'll make me totally useless, both to you guys and later, when I get back with my bandit guys! What the fuck am I supposed to…"

"Calm down, Tasuki. These reactions are not at all predictable - you may be fine in the midst of a battle and then get one of these attacks watching the sunset or something equally innocuous. What I'm here to do is to teach you how to handle these reactions. In this case, you have to deal with the symptoms instead of trying to reason with yourself. First, get your breathing back under control, making sure that you breathe in your exhalations, whether you use a bag as I did or just cup your hands over your nose and mouth…"

Tasuki leaned forward, quiet and attentive for once, as over the next few minutes, Mitsukake patiently counseled him on how to cope with a variety of possible side-effects…

"When am I ever gonna stop crying over this?"

"Maybe never - but crying is good for you, normal. An occasional good cry cleanses the soul. Not normal - crying all day."

"What about this feeling I keep getting, like I'm… unclean, like I need a bath?"

"Normal - take a couple extra baths each day, if you want. Not normal - twenty extra baths…"

"I don't like my usual clothes anymore, they remind me of the ones that… got torn…"

"Normal - change your wardrobe. Not normal - walking around naked."

Tasuki laughed. Mitsukake leaned forward and stared into his eyes. "Now I'm going to tell you about dangerously abnormal behaviors - wanting to hurt anything, especially small helpless animals and people that care about you. Wanting to hurt yourself, finding yourself cutting or injuring yourself deliberately. Finding yourself thinking about ways to end your life. If you feel ANY of these urges, you must come to me immediately, and we'll work it through together, I promise you. Just don't hesitate to come to me for anything."

Tasuki looked down. "Thanks, Mitsukake. But I don't feel like that anymore. Now I've got something to live for…" He looked up at Mitsukake shyly.

Mitsukake smiled. "Yes, I know. Chichiri and I looked in on you last night, and that's when we first saw Miaka there. Quite a development - took us by surprise, I can tell you."

"Me, too. But I'm not questioning it - I've decided not to worry about anything and just enjoy it while it lasts. She said that it's forever, but I don't know… there's still Tama...and eventually he'll get back to normal…"

"Technically, he is back to normal. Chichiri and Nuriko exorcised the oni with Tamahome's help, and they've got it entrapped in a scroll. Chichiri's taking it back to Mount Taikyoku even as we speak to get Taiitsukun's help in dealing with it."

Tasuki looked surprised. "Boy, you guys didn't waste any time. I didn't realize that all this was going on while I was… asleep. I guess it's a relief, but I wish I could have been a part of that, kicking that mononoke's ass…"

"Just as well that you weren't. Nuriko told me that it was pretty awful, that Chichiri had to take some terrible risks and some real hits to his psyche, too. But the one who was hit hardest was Tamahome - there were some terrible after-effects for Tamahome, and right now, he's struggling to cope with them, too."

Tasuki looked down again. "Guess I'll have to thank all of them…" He was silent for a while, then shuddered and sat up straight. He flashed a smile at Mitsukake, although his eyes were suspiciously bright. Adopting his usual bantering tone, he said "I guess I'll hafta take 'em all out for drinks."

Mitsukake looked at him, disappointed to see Tasuki's defenses up again. "He's getting almost as good as Chichiri at assuming masks." he thought. "Well, let's see how good I am at getting behind the mask."

"So what do you think you'll do when you meet up with Tamahome again?"

Tasuki smirked at him and adopted his thickest country accent. "Whaddaya think? Tell him that he's gotta take me to the fanciest inn in town for a nice dinner and some drinks. He owes me from th' other night. I mean, a guy expects a little special treatment before he goes all th' way on a first date."

"Tell me when you're through being funny. I've got nothing planned for the rest of the day… I can just sit here and wait."

Tasuki sighed, dropping the act. "All right, Mitsukake. I don't know exactly what I'll do, okay? I'm not an idiot. I knew that he was possessed, that that yellow-eyed bastard wasn't him. Anyway, Tama's gotta be pretty embarrassed, too. I dunno, maybe when we meet up, we'll just give each other a couple of buddy punches in the arm, puff out our chests, and talk about manly things like huntin' and killin' things…"

"And that would be okay with you."

"Well, we'll look stupid as shit, but what the hell else are we gonna do?!"

"No, what I meant was that you would be fine with Tamahome - no resentments, no blame?"

"No, why should I? I told you, it wasn't him!"

"You don't blame him at all."

"No!"

"You don't think he failed you in any way."

"No!!"

"You're sure about that."

"Yes!! What the fuck?! Do ya think I'm some kinda idiot who can't tell the difference between some freaky-eyed hentai mononoke and one of my best friends?! I wasn't fooled - I knew the difference pretty quick. Hell, I'd been fighting that fuckin' bastard for some time when I finally got through to Tama. I knew it the minute his eyes changed back, knew that it was the real Tamahome, and that he was gonna help me..." Tasuki's voice trailed off.

"But he didn't help you, did he?"

"Well, he tried."

"Did he."

"Yes!"

"But he failed."

"Yes... but the important thing is that he tried."

"You're sure about that."

"Yes!"

"You're not angry that he failed."

"No!!"

"You don't think that he could have tried harder."

"Yes! No! Hell, I don't know! I don't know what he was thinkin', okay, Mitsukake?" Tasuki's voice rose. "I only know that he was there, and then he was gone, and I don't know why! I don't know why he went away again, why he ditched me!" Tasuki's eyes widened as he realized that he had begun to cry. "He ditched me, he ran out on me, and he didn't come back! And I can't explain why, all right!!" he wept, giving in to his pain.

Mitsukake reached out and gripped Tasuki's hand but pressed on, determined to lance the wounds in Tasuki's heart. "So how do you really feel about Tamahome?"

Tasuki struggled to get control of himself, forcing himself to calm down. "I'm mad at him." he said in a small childish voice. "I'm mad at him."

Suddenly his face crumpled as his emotions surged again. "He ditched me… and I do know why! It was because he didn't care! He saw I was in trouble, and it didn't matter to him! I didn't matter to him!" Tasuki gasped and sobbed. "I don't matter to him! I thought of him as a brother, but I never mattered to him at all!!" he wailed.

Mitsukake reached out and pulled Tasuki into an embrace, letting him cry against his chest. Privately, he marveled that Tasuki was able to get past the actual act of rape, justly absolving Tamahome of responsibility for that crime. No, what hurt Tasuki the most was the same moment that was now tormenting Tamahome - the moment when Tamahome reappeared in his own body and yet failed to rescue Tasuki. Mitsukake shook his head at the wildly different interpretations each young man had of what had happened in that crucial moment. He knew the truth, of course, and could set each of them straight on what really happened - but he knew instinctively that that would be a mistake. If Tasuki and Tamahome were ever to trust each other again, it would have to be from their own efforts to reach out to one another. A well-meaning third party pushing them together might achieve a surface reconciliation, but the hurt would remain in their hearts, keeping them always distant from one another. If things worsened between them he would intervene, but for now he had to be patient and give them the room they needed to resolve their own problems.

He felt Tasuki calming and lifted him away from his chest to look into his eyes. "Better?" he asked gently. Tasuki nodded, too miserable to be embarrassed at his outburst.

"Do you really believe what you just said? Do you think that Tamahome would be as upset as he is right now if he didn't care?" Gently, Mitsukake planted the seeds of doubt.

"I dunno… is he really upset?" Tasuki asked.

"I already told you that he was struggling the same as you."

Tasuki looked away, absorbing this information. His expression started to lighten, but then he frowned as a thought occurred to him. "Mitsukake, if I told you that some small part of me is glad that he's hurting, does that make me a bad person?"

"No, it makes you human. But you have to decide what to do with these feelings. The way things are right now, if you were to meet up and you wanted to make him hurt, his guilt would make him accept any punishment you wanted to deal out. The two of you could have a nice sick little relationship, with you punishing him over and over and him taking it. Or you could decide that you wanted to do something a little more positive with your pain and work out a way that you two can relate again."

"But sometimes I just get this feeling of overwhelming rage!!"

"And you're entitled to it!!By the Gods, you're entitled to be angry!! What happened to you was unjust and unfair, and you didn't do a single thing to deserve it!" Mitsukake leaned forward, gazing earnestly into Tasuki's eyes. "But once again, it's what you decide to do with it. Don't suppress it or turn it inward, that will only make you sick and even more angry. But make sure that you don't turn it outward toward some innocent third party. In fact, don't turn it toward any person at all - it's best if you take your feelings out on inanimate objects. Throw things, scream, trash a room… hell, you've got the best possible cathartic instrument in the world, and it belongs just to you!"

"What are you talking about, Mitsukake?"

"The tessen!" Mitsukake breathed excitedly, his voice rising. "Just think about the fire! The sound, the light, the explosions!! What a great way to get stuff out of your system! Just line up some flammable targets in a safe area, point your tessen and…" Mitsukake brandished an imaginary fan, "Rekkaaaa Shin'EEENNNNN!! BOOM!!!"

Tasuki jumped at the older seishi's enthusiastic vocal explosion. He narrowed his eyes and squinted speculatively at the tall physician, who was blushing at his own enthusiastic outburst.

"Well, well, whaddaya know, seems like still waters really do run deep. Somethin' tells me that you been itchin' to get your hands on the tessen for a while now."

Mitsukake smiled shyly and admitted, "Well, it does look like... fun."

Tasuki clapped him on the back. "That's what it is, my man - fun! Fun and violent, the perfect combination! So tell ya what - the next time that I feel like fryin' somethin', which should be, oh sometime in the next 24 hours, I'll come get ya, and we'll see just how good you are at "Rekka Shin'en - ing" Hotohori's garden into toast!" Tasuki laughed, then looked at the big man with admiration. "Man, I never knew that you had such a violent streak in you - I knew that there hadda be somethin' about you I could like!"

Mitsukake laughed out loud at the young bandit's ingenuous insult-within-a-compliment. He suddenly realized why Tasuki always got on his nerves - it was envy, pure and simple. He envied the young seishi's wild freedom and unselfconscious impulsiveness. Now that he knew the reason for his resentment, the resentment melted away, and he found himself actually liking Tasuki. "Come on, let's go back."

The two seishi walked back to Tasuki's room in companionable silence, comfortable in each other's presence for the first time. Suddenly Tasuki spoke up. "Thanks, Mitsukake. Thanks for everything. I'm sorry I was such a pain earlier. I really appreciate everything you've done for me."

Mitsukake put a hand on Tasuki's shoulder, suddenly seized with a sense of mischief, a desire to give as good as he got. "That's okay, Tasuki. Being a pain is just what you are. I understand that." He smiled, then continued walking.

Tasuki grinned back, pleased to be understood, then frowned as he realized what Mitsukake had said. "Hey!" he protested, running to catch up with the older man.

They arrived at Tasuki's room, then peered inside. Miaka still slept on, but as they glanced at her, she rolled over, then stretched and yawned in a kittenish manner. The two men caught their breath at her innocent beauty.

Mitsukake cleared his throat. "Um, Tasuki, what you mentioned before, about Parts A and B..."

"Yeah, I know, Mits." Tasuki sighed. "No playing with the priestess, even if she does love me..."

"Wellllll..." Mitsukake glanced slyly at the young man. "It's true that there can be no joining of Parts A and B, but surely you can think of other... recreational possibilities. Even as young and inexperienced as you are, you must have some imaginative capabilities..."

Tasuki blushed almost as red as his hair but stammered out eagerly, "Really? D'ya think that's possible without gettin' into trouble with Suzaku?"

Mitsukake laughed at the hope in the young seishi's voice. "You can trust me," he said. "I'm a doctor."

**************************************************************** ***************************************************

**************************************************************** ***************************************************

Glossary of Japanese terms:

mononoke - evil spirit or ghost; also demon

hentai mononoke - perverted demon

Author's notes: Well, here's my Mitsukake. Part of my inspiration for his character comes from his line in the last 'joke scene' (is that Fushigi Akugi?) at the very end of OVA 2, when the character director is pointed out to him - "Hey, is that the guy who made me speak in a monotone for 2 years!!" I felt bad for him! (Yes, I know they're not real, hold off calling for the men in the white coats...)

The other inspiration for Mits, especially his secret desire for the tessen, is one of my doctor friends. He is a very, very smart, compassionate, even-tempered guy who is highly cultured and can converse easily on any number of topics, and never raises his voice - but he has to see every violent action film that comes out- the more explosions, the better! Hey, if that's how he works out the aggression that comes with the Y-chromosome, good for him, I say! So, here's to you, Mits...and Mike!

This is the last chapter until next week - real life is shouting demands at me, and I won't be able to get back to this fic till the last part of this upcoming weekend. Plus, here's Tasuki's schizophrenic appearance and disappearance of his bandit accent that I warned about at the end of Ch. 3 - hope it doesn't confuse!

Ja ne!

Roku-chan