Gensomaden Saiyuki Fan Fiction / Saiyuki Reload Fan Fiction / Saiyuki Reload Gunlock Fan Fiction ❯ Longing1: The Road Less Traveled ❯ Prologue ( Chapter 1 )

Title: Longing 1: The Road Less Traveled

Author: Befanini *)

Disclaimer: I have absolutely no rights whatsoever. For bittersweet daydreaming purposes only. XD

Rating: T/M for language. Shounen-ai.

Summary: “Love at first sight is easy to understand. It's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle.”

A/N: If you're not familiar with my fics by now, be advised that I write SxGxS - sweetxgoofyxsexy 3x5x3. Or else it's bittersweet angst, as this one is. In either case, I lean to *serious* shounen-ai, as opposed to just the grudging lust typical between most Sanzo/Gojyo fics. So feel free to read something else if you're a purist. Otherwise, enjoy…

P.S. I have only watched Gensomaden once, on top of which I *missed* the first four eps (baka!!!), so please forgive any errors in describing the temple setting. I would appreciate any corrections. Thanks.

 

 

 

“Love at first sight is easy to understand. It's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle.” -- Amy Bloom

 

~*~*~*~

 

Prologue

 

 

He sat at his desk staring out the window at the magnificent dawn of another day. The forest surrounding Kinzan Temple was shrouded with morning mist, and all was quiet save for the first gay twittering of birds and the sound of someone sweeping the courtyard. Slowly the sun rose to pierce the mist, sending bright rays of light filtering through the treetops to dapple gold on the cobblestones and the central fountain. The faint sound of the monks' morning chants reached his ears, and already the pile of paperwork before him beckoned. Still, the piercing purple eyes lingered outside, resting finally on the road that snaked and coiled up the mountains, leading to the temple… and in his throat welled an expectant, longing feeling that he found himself powerless to deny.

 

And then he shrugged, unaware of the small sigh that escaped his lips. If he came, he came. That was all. And if he didn't, well… tomorrow was another day. With a rueful shake of his head at his uncharacteristic melancholy, he turned determinedly to give the pile of papers his full, proper attention. Just another goddamn day in the life of Toa Genjyo Sanzo Houshi Sama. What the hell.

 

~*~*~*~

 

 

Chapter 1

 

Just within the courtyard, he dropped his gear with a slight wince. Dammit, he couldn't be getting *old* at thirty-four, could he? Shit. And to think that what he carried in his packs all the way up the mountains was all for *him*, that goddamn bouzu. His Marlboros and his sake, plus a few dozen cans of beer for good measure. Gojyo grinned lopsidedly, shaking his head. You would have thought that ten years in this place would have cured Sanzo of his vices. Fat *effing* chance.

 

As he stood there, bending backwards at the waist to get rid of the kinks in his back, a passing monk caught sight of him.

 

“Gojyo-sama! What an honor for you to visit us again!”

 

Gojyo grimaced inwardly at the title; all of the temple's staff and inhabitants (as was the whole world in fact), well informed about his part in the legendary “Journey To The West”. He returned the monk's effusive greetings with a pained, embarrassed smile, the grimace deepening as the news spread rapidly.

 

“Sanzo Houshi-sama's friend is here!”

 

“Gojyo-sama, welcome, welcome!”

 

“I'm a new acolyte, Master, I am *so* honored to make your acquaintance, I've heard so much about you…”

 

The monks suddenly appeared out of nowhere, seemingly, and now surrounded him in an enthusiastic, and -for him—uncomfortable crowd. Gojyo stammered, cursing himself. Why oh why do I put myself through this, time and time again?! Now if these were *female* monks that would be another story…

 

And then that low, cool, arresting voice sliced through all the mad rabble like a laser beam. Commanding. Authoritative. Arrogant, as ever. Gravel wrapped in silk.

 

“Minna, for the love of Tenkai.” The icy rasp was the same, for all that he was now, more than ever he was before, a holy man residing in this holy temple. “I'm sure our guest is weary after his long trek up the mountains. We should be offering him refreshment, and a place to rest, ne?” It was phrased as a suggestion; but coming from the smug, superior, arrogant man it naturally came out as a command.

 

“Sumimasen, Sanzo Houshi-sama!”

 

“Hai-hai, right away, Sanzo-sama!”

 

“Our apologies, Gojyo-sama…”

 

The crowd parted, bald heads bobbing in frantic bows of eager respect; and Gojyo cursed himself at the knot in his throat, the gone feeling in his stomach, the weakening of his knees… the wild slamming of his heart as Sanzo, his corrupt monk, came into view.

 

I've missed you. God how I've missed you.

 

What the fuck took you so long?

 

Beautiful… so beautiful… Goddamn it but you still take my breath away.

 

Still cocky and roguish and maddening as ever… and those eyes sear through me with their hungry gaze as much as they ever did.

 

Gojyo arched a crimson eyebrow. “I come bearing… ah… *gifts*.”

 

Golden eyebrows levitated in mocking reply. “So I see… Come on. I'm about to have lunch.”

 

“Thank the *Gods*. I'm *dying* from hauling all that stuff all the way up here…”

 

Twitch.

 

“Nobody *asked* you to break your back,” Sanzo started, in the familiar snooty snarl.

 

Gojyo hooted. “You're welcome, Sanzo-sama.”

 

“'Ch.”

 

Then… a wry grin. Sanzo *has* mellowed the tiniest bit over the years. “Ikuzo, baka erogappa.”

 

They started off, the monks scattering to set another place at the High Priest's table, another group hurrying to take care of Gojyo's packs, a third rushing to prepare the visitor's usual quarters.

 

Gojyo sighed, his hands laced behind his head. “Strange, but it actually feels *good* to hear you calling me that…”

 

Sanzo snorted, his hands folded inside the robe's sleeves. “What's strange is that it feels *right* to call you baka erogappa, baka erogappa… *That's* what's strange.”

 

They talked long and hard over lunch, and continued talking long after the plates were taken away, catching up with news since they'd last seen each other, some eight months back. And then they reminisced, able now to share a laugh or two about their strange adventures ten years ago. Over time Gojyo has grown more serious, a little less flippant; though no less daring and impetuous. For his part, Sanzo has lost the edge of his curtness and has managed to reign in that hot temper, although he still snarled if anyone invaded his personal space *too* closely.

 

They were still talking when twilight fell, the light fading into shadows, the birdsong supplanted by the soft chirping of crickets and the louder rattling noise of cicadas.

 

Sanzo lit another Marlboro, accepting with a nod as Gojyo poured him some more sake.

 

“How's the bakazaru these days? I can't believe I missed him again… You hear from him lately?” Gojyo asked, leaning back in his seat lazily.

 

“His latest letter came from Greece, actually,” Sanzo replied, blowing out a stream of smoke. “You can read it tomorrow, if you like,” he added, feeling too languorous and content to bestir himself at the moment.

 

“Aa,” Gojyo mumbled. “Still hasn't satisfied the wanderlust, huh?”

 

“Hmm. And seriously stretching the limit on the AnEx.”

 

Gojyo chuckled. “Hell, the kid's entitled to it. The whole mission would've been lost if not for him.”

 

“If not for *me*, you mean,” Sanzo snorted at the idea of Gojyo still calling Goku a kid. “I had the worst time replacing the diadem on the goddamn Seiten Taisei…”

 

“Yep,” Gojyo drawled. “I sure remember…” Ruby and amethyst eyes clouded over as both men got lost in their own memories. The irony of it was that after everything, it was the Great Sage Equal To Heaven who had proven to be their worst enemy. It took all of their combined strength to contain Seiten Taisei Son Goku in the end, and it took all of Sanzo's willpower to subdue and conquer the wild youkai and return him to their own innocent Goku.

 

After a brief pause, Sanzo asked, “How about Hakkai? You seen him lately?”

 

Gojyo grinned. “Our Hakkai is the proud papa of twin boys,” he announced proudly.

 

“Sou ka…” Sanzo raised his eyebrows. “The last you told me, it was just the little girl.”

 

“Yup. He's really enjoying married life, I must say. Let's see… It must have been six months ago that I last saw him, and he looks every bit the smug, satisfied family man.” Gojyo shook his head. “Unbelievable… He sends you his love, by the way.”

 

“Huh.”

 

Gojyo suddenly laughed. “And you know what the devious bastard did?” he asked merrily. “I can't believe it totally slipped my mind, I meant to tell you first thing.”

 

“Nani?” Sanzo growled impatiently, stubbing out his smoke.

 

“He named them… guess what… *Genjyo and Gojyo*!” the kappa chortled heartily. “Isn't that too precious? Genjyo and Gojyo…” And then the red eyes darkened suddenly as he became aware of the other's silence.

 

“Genjyo and Gojyo, huh?” Sanzo finally spoke. A soft, sad smile ghosted the proud, cynical lips. “Imagine that…” Sanzo gazed out into the darkness.

 

Gojyo clenched his fists tight, a sudden lump in his throat threatening to choke him. “Sanzo…” he began, in a husky, yearning voice.

 

Purple eyes shot him a startled look. Gojyo groaned at the naked longing blazing in those cool amethyst eyes, before it was swiftly shuttered.

 

“Gomen, Gojyo, you must be tired,” Sanzo said quickly, standing up abruptly. “Your quarters are ready, I believe… the same rooms you always have.”

 

“Dammit, Sanzo!” Gojyo stood up too. He swayed, and blinked. He must have had more sake than he'd realized. He squinted at Sanzo, and saw that Sanzo was flushed too. “You can't do this, you can't—“

 

“Urusei!” Sanzo growled, turning his back. “Just—don't, kappa. I'll see you in the morning.” His voice cracked.

 

Gojyo yielded, not relishing seeing Sanzo undone. Never his proud, haughty Sanzo. So with an effort, he threw out a taunt instead.

 

“Dammit, Sanzo! Oi, bouzu!” he called, as Sanzo started to walk away. “I *said*, don't I get a goodnight kiss?!” He leered for good measure.

 

Silence. Then, “Baka erogappa…” He could almost see Sanzo's rueful grin. He *did* see Sanzo shake his head. “Go and rest, you fool. Sweet perverted dreams,” he threw back mockingly over his shoulder, just like he always used to.

 

“Don't let the bedbugs bite your delicate little tush, hage bouzu,” Gojyo teased back, just like he always used to, too.

 

Dream of me. As I will dream of you.

 

 

Chapter 2

 

Ten years ago…

 

Gojyo jogged down the inn's stairs, whistling. He was raring to go - the mission was over, they were halfway on the return leg of their journey, and just last night they had been excitedly discussing the huge party they planned to hold at his and Hakkai's apartment. Courtesy of the gold card, of course. Hehehe…

 

The kappa entered the inn's dining room to join the ikkou for lunch before they departed. He found Hakkai and Goku already at the table. Gojyo snagged a chair, turned it around, straddled it, and drummed his fingers impatiently on the chair back, snatching a piece of dumpling off Goku's plate, just to keep the monkey on his toes.

 

But Goku didn't stir. Didn't even look up. Come to think of it, the whole noonday spread was untouched. And Hakkai's face was devoid of a smile. In fact his best friend would hardly meet his eyes at all.

 

“Oi, oi!” Gojyo drawled. “Did somebody die? Why the glum faces, you guys?”

 

No answer. Goku turned his face away. Hakkai sat unmoving.

 

“C'mon! It can't be *that* bad, so early in the day!” Gojyo scowled, his happy mood shot. “Don't tell me that fucking Ni Jenyi has a hidden clone and is now busy plotting his revenge…” he joked lamely. Silence. “OI! Say something, you two!” Gojyo frowned. “Which reminds me, by the way, where's the hage bouzu? He's usually the first one ready and itching to go…”

 

Goku gave a strangled sob and pushed his chair back hastily, running wildly for the door. His footsteps pounded up the stairs, and they heard a bang as he rushed back to his room.

 

“Goku! OI!” Gojyo yelled, standing up. He turned to Hakkai. “Will you * please* tell me what's going on?!” he demanded, trying to control the horror that was rising up in him, threatening to choke him. He knew, at once. He *knew*. That goddamn bastard…

 

Hakkai wordlessly handed him a note, written in the familiar graceful hand. Gojyo took it with icy fingers. No, his mind denied fiercely. Sanzo, *NO*! He read, dread and a wild sense of urgency exploding inside him.

 

”Gojyo, Hakkai: Take Goku back to Kinzan Temple. The mission is complete, with no small thanks to all of you, despite what this cold bastard has said time and again. But I have one more thing I need to do, and it's something I need to do alone. I'm counting on you - no, I'm beseeching you, to see Goku safely back to Chang An. The monks there will take care of him. Hell, they owe me that much for recovering the sutras. Please deliver the damn sutras as well, and surrender them to the Elders, with the enclosed note. They will understand.

 

I'm leaving the AnEx card with you as well, so you won't say that the bastard cheated you out of your victory party… Drink a shot of sake for me, while you're at it.

 

Ja -

 

Sanzo.”

 

“FUCK!” Gojyo grabbed Hakkai, shaking his friend frantically. “When? When did he leave?!”

 

“I don't know exactly,” Hakkai finally spoke, grabbing firm hold of the frantic, trembling hands on his shoulders. “I just found the damn note slipped under my door when I woke up this morning,” Hakkai continued, willing Gojyo to calm down.

 

“Shit, shit, SHIT!” Gojyo cursed, looking around wildly.

 

“Calm down, Gojyo, please!” Hakkai begged, gripping Gojyo's hands painfully. “You might be overreacting…” Gojyo shook him off.

 

“You stay here,” Gojyo ordered. “Don't let the bakazaru out of your sight. I'm taking Hakuryu.”

 

“But where are you going?!” Hakkai called in alarm, as Gojyo jogged swiftly to the door.

 

“I'm bringing that goddamn bastard back!”

 

“Demo, I don't think he'll appreciate you sticking your nose in his affairs…”

 

“HAH!”

 

“Do you even *know* where you're going?!” Hakkai cried, as Gojyo dashed out the doors. “OI! Gojyo!!!”

 

Gojyo didn't wait to hear any more. He vaulted over to the driver's seat and gunned the jeep, reversing swiftly, and headed back west.

 

“Goddamn you, Sanzo. I'll be DAMNED if I let you do this! You're NOT doing this to me!”

 

 

Chapter 3

 

He drove blindly, trusting the dragon to take care of them both. After six hours, he finally caught up with Sanzo.

 

Sanzo was sitting on a rock by the side of the road, smoking away with a bored expression on his face. But the violet eyes glittered with barely concealed fury as Gojyo jumped out of the jeep and walked swiftly over to him, shaking with fury himself.

 

Gojyo halted in front of Sanzo, fists clenched tight, battling for self-control, resisting the urge to slam his fist into the other man's cold, carefully controlled face.

 

“You're wasting your time,” Sanzo rasped, glaring up at Gojyo.

 

“FUCK YOU, Sanzo,” Gojyo bit out.

 

Purple eyes widened. “What did you say?!” Sanzo asked in a dangerously low voice.

 

“You heard me, you goddamn selfish bastard!”

 

“Damn you…” Sanzo snarled, whipping out the gun.

 

Gojyo stood stonily in front of him, not making a move, his eyes daring the monk to shoot.

 

“Get out of my face!” Sanzo yelled, seething. “Go back! This is none of your business!” The gun shook in his hand. He steadied it, and pulled back the safety catch.

 

“The HELL it isn't, Sanzo!” Gojyo yelled back, undaunted. “The *hell* it isn't,” he repeated. “You'll have to kill me first…” he whispered brokenly, stepping up squarely to press the gun firmly to his chest.

 

Sanzo stared straight ahead, down the barrel of the gun planted smack on the kappa's solar plexus. “Fuck it all…” he hissed. “Why can't you just fucking let me *be*!!!” Tears of rage pooled in the icy, empty amethyst eyes.

 

Gojyo closed his eyes. “I *can't*,” he whispered hoarsely. The tears spilled down his eyes as well. “I can't, you goddamn corrupt monk.”

 

Sanzo pushed the gun harder into Gojyo's chest, making Gojyo wince. “This gun…” he muttered huskily, the violet eyes clouding over. “When that desperate, empty, *foolish* young boy took this gun from the temple, he made a vow to himself. Did I ever tell you that?” Sanzo laughed mirthlessly, finally looking up at Gojyo.

 

“Sanzo,” he pleaded. Sanzo continued, paying him no heed.

 

“He promised himself that he and this gun would take revenge for his beloved Master. They would recover the sutras, for which his Master paid with his life. Well, this gun has done its part for the divine mission. It has recovered the sutras. It has finally avenged my Master,” he snarled viciously. “And now it's time to complete the promise.”

 

Gojyo swallowed hard, knowing what was to come next. *He knew Sanzo so well.* He'd had this fear, ever since he'd once caught Sanzo sitting alone by the campfire, long after the others had gone to sleep, when they were almost nearing the end of the mission. Sanzo was alone by the campfire, softly running the tip of the gun back and forth across his forehead, the beautiful purple eyes shockingly empty.

 

“When I chose this gun out of all the temple's holy artifacts, I chose it with two objectives in mind. The first is fulfilled. My master's suffering is paid for at last. The other… the other is the promise I made to myself. That when all this is over, this gun will end my suffering too.” As he spoke, Sanzo slowly withdrew the gun from Gojyo's chest and pressed it to his own temple with a mocking smile. Gojyo watched helplessly, his heart about to burst.

 

“Demo,” Sanzo drawled, coolly releasing the safety catch and lowering the gun. “I have no intention of killing myself in front of a weepy audience. And certainly not by the side of the fucking road. So will you fucking do me a favor and just go away and leave me in peace,” he finished, pointedly turning the golden head away.

 

“No,” Gojyo answered in a shaky voice. “NO,” he repeated, more strongly.

 

“Damn you… “ Sanzo hissed, standing up, fist pulled back.

 

But the blow never landed, as Gojyo easily blocked the punch and crushed Sanzo to him in a fierce embrace. A strong arm wrapped around Sanzo's back, and the other wrapped around his shoulders, the large tanned hand cupping the back of Sanzo's head and pressing it firmly down into the kappa's strong shoulder. Gojyo pressed his cheek down gently, firmly, against the shimmering golden hair, ignoring the other man's vicious struggling, until Sanzo quieted down.

 

“Damn you, you corrupt monk…” Gojyo murmured in a husky, pained voice. “Damn you, Sanzo…” he groaned, as he felt Sanzo shudder against him. “You fucking SELFISH bastard,” he choked out, his voice cracking.

 

The golden head shook from side to side against his shoulder. “*You're* the selfish one, Gojyo,” Sanzo murmured hoarsely. “Just let me go.”

 

The implied meaning of Sanzo's words was not lost on Gojyo. *So Sanzo knew.* And all along he'd thought he'd kept his feelings pretty much to himself. All along, the times Sanzo had caught him staring, he'd thought the aloof creature had just put it down to him being what he was - the perverted, horny water imp. He had underestimated the man.

 

But suddenly the miracle dawned on him: he was still here! Sanzo had not put a bullet in him, all the time they had journeyed west, although he'd known of Gojyo's feelings. Sanzo had kept him in the ikkou, in fact. All those times when Sanzo had spit in his face - “I never asked you to come with me…” - and he had thought Sanzo was trying to get rid of him. But the goddamn bouzu had *known*, all along…

 

Gojyo snapped out of his reverie when Sanzo pushed him away roughly and turned his back. He walked away swiftly, cutting across the road to push deep into the forest.

 

“OI!” Gojyo shouted, whistling hastily for Hakuryu. He ran, and caught up with the priest. “Sanzo!” he growled, yanking firmly on Sanzo's arm. Sanzo shook him off violently, without turning.

 

“I said go back. I have nothing to say to you,” Sanzo said quietly. “The mission is complete. I thank you for your invaluable help. Now I'm asking you to leave me alone.”

 

“I'm not taking orders from you anymore, you goddamn bouzu,” Gojyo replied challengingly. “And I haven't changed my mind. I'm *not* leaving you to carry on with your fucking, stupid, SELFISH plan. You'll have to kill me first!”

 

“FUCK!!!” Sanzo threw his head back and screamed, the enraged howl echoing through the trees. “SonofaBITCH!!!” he yelled to the heavens. He dropped to his knees, burying his face in his hands. “Master…” he gasped brokenly. “Master… Why did you leave me?” he begged plaintively. “I should have died, Master… I should have been the one…” he sobbed furiously.

 

With a lump in his throat and tears smarting in his eyes, Gojyo kneeled down and gathered Sanzo into his arms tenderly, closing his eyes and gritting his teeth against the furious blows that Sanzo landed blindly on his chest.

 

“Goddammit… Dammit!!!” Sanzo cursed. And then he raised pleading eyes to Gojyo, the purple depths swimming with unbearable pain. “Please, Gojyo… Please… I'm asking you… Just go back… Forget you ever came after me. Just leave me. Just go.”

 

“No.”

 

And Gojyo bent his head down and claimed Sanzo's mouth.

 

Pure, tortured pleasure sliced through Gojyo as their lips met. How many times had he dreamed of this? How many hours had he wasted imagining this cold, implacable man enfolded in his arms… The thrills shooting up his spine were so intense, it was almost painful.

 

*Sanzo, Sanzo, Sanzo…* His mind chanted the name as his palms came up to frame that flawless face, as he brushed feather-light kisses against that cherished one's lips. *Sanzo, Sanzo, Sanzo…* His heart drummed the mad tattoo as the beautiful man in his arms shuddered and gasped into his open mouth. His tongue slithered silkily inside the warm cavern of Sanzo's mouth, sliding hungrily, wetly, against Sanzo's tongue. *Sanzo, Sanzo, Sanzo…* The name echoed in his ears in a deafening roar, his blood pulsing wildly in his veins as the precious thing in his arms gave a deep groan of surrender, as hard alabaster arms circled around him to crush him in a fierce embrace, as Sanzo started kissing him back lustily, greedily, urgently.

 

“Gojyo…” Sanzo groaned. “Gojyo…”

 

His name uttered in that low, desperate, husky plea shattered him, broke away the last of his defenses, stripped away his pride. All that was left was the burning need to confess what he had kept bottled up inside him for so long, since that rainy night that he had opened his door, and had fallen deep, so deep, into enigmatic, soulful eyes the color and mood of twilight.

 

“Sanzo…” he moaned. “*Gods*, Sanzo, I—“

 

“Urusei.” Sanzo pressed cool porcelain fingers against his lips. “Don't.”

 

“Why the fuck not?!” Gojyo groaned, raining passionate, tender kisses on Sanzo's face. “I'm fucking in lo—“

 

This time Sanzo clamped his hand hard over Gojyo's mouth. Sanzo shook his head, looking straight into fiery red eyes. “I'll never be able to make myself go back to Kinzan and assume my fucking title if you do,” Sanzo said simply, the purple eyes glowing softly. *Not empty anymore.*

 

Gojyo exhaled deeply, relief washing over him, leaving him weak. Silently he thanked all the gods he'd never prayed to before. Sanzo slowly dropped his hand, his eyes still staring intensely into Gojyo's eyes.

 

“Promise me,” Gojyo demanded in a gruff, unsteady voice. “Promise me, you corrupt monk.”

 

Sanzo gave no answer. Instead, he reached up with a pale, slender finger and softly traced an X-mark over Gojyo's heart.

 

Gojyo groaned and slammed his eyes shut, intense happiness and insane pain exploding in him at the same time. All he could do was curse softly. “Shit…”

 

“Urusei,” Sanzo drawled softly. “That's the way it is, kappa. That's the way it has to be, and you know it.”

 

Gojyo clasped Sanzo to him tightly and rocked, burying his face against Sanzo's nape, shuddering, overwhelmed by the bittersweet, cold, harsh reality.

 

Sanzo hugged him back fiercely, stroking the beautiful red hair. And then Sanzo pushed him back by the shoulders, amethyst eyes boring possessively into helpless crimson orbs.

 

“Now, Gojyo, give me something to remember,” his corrupt monk commanded, causing Gojyo to groan deeply. “Just once, before I surrender myself to them forever.”

 

And so, deep in the forest, with the grass for carpet and the trees for canopy, Sha Gojyo made love to his rogue priest, marveling in Sanzo's moans of pleasure, basking in Sanzo's husky murmurs of his name, forever branded by the perfect, impossibly beautiful body writhing beneath his fingers, his lips, his mouth, arching like a taut bowstring, responding to him like the most finely tuned Stradivarius.

 

And in the sweet moment of release, deep inside Sanzo, cradling Sanzo to him like a precious thing, which he was, as Sanzo cried out his name, Gojyo fell apart, salty tears falling from his eyes to stain the smooth, proud, porcelain cheeks.

 

“Sanzo!” he moaned, choking. “I lo—“

 

Sanzo grabbed his head and crushed his passionate declaration with a deep, soulful kiss. “No words, kappa. No words,” Sanzo whispered fiercely, savagely. “Or I won't be able to tear myself away…”

 

Gojyo was broken, gasping, beyond shame. “Fuck everything!” he cried fiercely. “Let's run away…” he begged foolishly, unable to help himself.

 

Sanzo chuckled weakly, mirthlessly in his arms. “I should have just blown my brains out,” he rasped ironically.

 

And Gojyo had no answer to that, except to love Sanzo again and again; and as the hours passed, he grew more and more frantic, and his kisses grew more and more desperate, and his feelings overflowed, until it took all of his self-control not to just shout out his love, his blind worship, for this beautiful, hot-tempered, profane maverick who was finally, finally in his arms. It took all of his willpower not to demand a confession in return.

 

This is enough. It has to be enough.

 

It will never be enough.

 

 

Chapter 4

 

And it never happened again. Since that day ten years ago, when Gojyo brought Sanzo back without explanation, and with Hakkai and Goku mercifully demanding none, they had gone back to their old, gruff companionship. They never spoke of it again. The rest of the return journey home, if sometimes the red eyes were caught staring at their leader, Hakkai and Goku put it down to the kappa's pride in bringing him back. If sometimes the purple eyes lingered too long on the kappa, they put it down to a grudging gratitude.

 

And they had their big celebration party at Gojyo and Hakkai's apartment, just as they had planned. They didn't question the fact that Gojyo chose to sit next to Sanzo, as he did during most of the return trip back; nor did they stop to wonder that Sanzo tolerated it. They were just happy to all be together.

 

As the years passed, the natural flow of time took them their separate ways, and the ikkou was scattered like leaves to the wind. Hakkai met a nice human girl and finally allowed himself to fall in love again. Goku, always hyperactive and never one to sit still for long, quickly grew bored with life at Kinzan, and chose to “see the world”, always returning to regale Sanzo with his latest adventures. Sanzo, having no choice, settled down to his life in the temple; and nobody begrudged the maverick monk his ever-present Marlboro or the occasional sake. The man was a living legend, although he secretly despised and laughed derisively at the awe and reverence that people held for him.

 

And Gojyo… Gojyo took to his old life of the vagabond, ever drifting; although now his reputation preceded him and he had no trouble finding a place to stay, food to eat… or eager company at night. But he rarely indulged himself in that casual pastime anymore, only giving in to his body's natural urges when he was very very drunk or very very melancholy. Invariably it was both, together.

 

For the most part, he became a gypsy; wandering from village to village, town to town, city to city, seeking empty distractions to fill the void, until he could stay away no longer. And then he gave in to his ever-present, gnawing, merciless yearning; and made the trek up the mountains to visit Sanzo… to bring his corrupt monk his cigarettes and his spirits, to replenish his soul, to drink in the sight and smell and sound of the arrogant, beautiful creature who owned his heart, who owned him, body and soul.

 

~*~*~*~

 

Longing

 

Come to me in my dreams, and then

By day, I shall be well again

For so the night will more than pay

The hopeless longing of the day

 

For as thou never camest and soothed,

Come now, and let me dream the truth

And part my hair, and kiss my brow

And say - My love, why sufferths thou?

 

Come to me in my dreams, and then

By day, I shall be well again

For so the night will more than pay

The hopeless longing of the day.

 

~*~*~*~

 

Sometimes he stayed only a week, sometimes a few days, sometimes a month. If he happened to arrive when Sanzo was away on one of his Official Trips, he parked himself shamelessly in Goku's apartments, and waited. Once he had stayed for three months, and immediately after went missing for a year and a half; not trusting himself to not just spirit Sanzo away to some random deserted place and hoard Sanzo to himself like a jealous, possessive miser. It all depended on his self-control.

 

For Sanzo was now a true Buddhist, having channeled all the fierce determination and arrogance and superior control towards disciplining himself and making the most of the path that life had chosen for him. Sanzo had no choice; and trained himself to accept his lot with the same single-mindedness with which he had led them through their mission.

 

Whereas Gojyo *had* a choice - he had all the choices in the world, and he chose not to choose. He chose unfulfilled longing; he chose the bittersweet pain of being true to Genjyo Sanzo.

 

They had `discussed' it once, in a fashion, around five years ago, during one of his then-regular visits. They had both had a *lot* to drink, as usual. And Sanzo had suddenly blurted out of the blue, “Why don't you settle down too, erogappa?” They had been discussing Hakkai's recent wedding, which the ikkou had all attended. “Find yourself a nice young thing, like Hakkai's done.”

 

Gojyo had hooted at the bare idea. “I, a family man?” He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, right…”

 

“Seriously,” Sanzo insisted. “You can't just live this vagabond life forever.” You have to move on. You have to live your life. There is no hope for us. There is no point in this.

 

“Eh… urusei, kono hage bouzu! Sha Gojyo with the long legs does what he wants!” It's no use preaching to me. I can't help myself. Don't you think I've tried? Don't you know I'm tired, so tired of this… But still I come, again and again. Because I need you. As surely as I need air to breathe. I need you.

 

“I bet you do,” Sanzo scoffed. “You just can't give up your playboy ways, can you?” he sneered insultingly, just like in the old days. I remember… I remember every single thing about that night… how my body sang beneath yours, above yours, inside yours. All I do is remember.

 

“Heh,” Gojyo spat. “Of course. You surely don't think I'm celibate…” I might as well be, the way I seek out the beautiful, blonde, blue-eyed ones… which are very rare indeed. I might as well gasp your name when I come in some stranger's cold, empty arms; because it is always you in my mind, in my heart, in my soul. Always you. Never anyone else but you.

 

And it always ended that way, the hesitant dialogue deliberately spoken in light words, while their eyes spoke volumes, confessed what they really meant to say.

 

And when being together and yet not *together* grew too painful too bear; when they were both so highly strung that the other's every word, every glance, every breath became pure torture, when they were both at the breaking point, and hanging on to their self-control by the frailest of threads - Gojyo left. With an awkward hug, if they were able to endure that much; or a handshake, or else just a faint, aching smile.

 

 

Chapter 5

 

 

“This can't go on, kappa,” Sanzo slurred. It was a week since Gojyo's arrival, since Gojyo had shared the latest news of Hakkai's twin boys. They were seated at the temple's courtyard, and the whole place was quiet, the monks having gone to sleep hours ago. It was just the two of them, still drinking far into the night. The ashtray between them was long past overflowing. They were on their seventh bottle of sake. A sickle moon hung low in the sky.

 

“Nani?” Gojyo drawled back, lighting up another Hi-Lite. “Don't tell me you're ready to quit!” he teased. “You're getting soft… c'mon, it's your shot. Now drink up!” he slurred, sloshing another measure of liquor into Sanzo's cup.

 

Sanzo waved a dismissive hand, standing unsteadily before he got control of himself, and walked out to stand in the shadows beneath the trees. The flawless face was briefly illuminated by the glow of Sanzo's lighter as he lit up another smoke, before replying to Gojyo. “I mean, you can't waste your life like this… You can't spend your time wandering forever.” Waiting for nothing. Waiting for what I can't give.

 

“Urusei,” Gojyo growled, standing up too to weave his way over to Sanzo. He stopped a foot away, scowling. “It's none of your business what I choose to do with my life.” I choose you. However way I can have you. I choose you.

 

Golden eyebrows levitated mockingly. “That's *my* line, baka erogappa…” Sanzo drawled, but the purple eyes flashed with unspoken, searing pain.

 

And inevitably, Gojyo closed the distance between them, their self-control dissolving before their undeniable yearning for each other. Inevitably, their lips fused furiously, hungrily, desperately, both of them powerless to resist anymore; to deny themselves the almost painful bliss of each other's arms, the heady sounds of passionate, pleading murmurs falling from burning, eager lips, the pure torture of drinking ravenously from each other's mouths, of swallowing each other's furtive, hushed moans of ecstatic, intense pleasure.

 

Inevitably, with Sanzo's arms around him, with the slender porcelain fingers twined in his hair and stroking his scalp, with the hard silky lips ravishing his mouth, with soft growls of helpless need rumbling against his chest, with his corrupt monk shuddering in his arms… Inevitably, Gojyo lost his head, groaning against his beloved's lips. “God, Sanzo… *God*, how I lo— “

 

Inevitably, Sanzo broke the kiss, pushing Gojyo away roughly, turning his back and walking away without another word, leaving the kappa trembling weakly, cursing softly, an ache in his throat and unshed tears glinting in the eloquent crimson eyes.

 

Inevitably, the next day Gojyo was gone without a word, without saying goodbye. And Sanzo was left by the window, watching the road with dull purple eyes.

 

That's the way it has to be.

 

And it will never be enough.

 

 

Epilogue

 

 

Amethyst

 

“Him that I love, I wish to be free… Even from me.” -- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

 

I had to push him away. I had to. And it is more than the fact that I am now *officially* Toa Genjyo Sanzo Houshi Sama, highest ranked monk in the world, have been for the past ten years, and I have no business profaning the Holy Temple with stupid, frantic, furtive make-out sessions in the shadows like a foolish teenager…

 

It is more than the fact that his kisses still render me weak, so weak and helpless and meltingly soft in his arms, setting my blood on fire and causing my heart to thunder in my chest…

 

It is the way he moans my name, like he is drowning… It is the words, the *words* that almost fall from those sinful lips yet again; the words which I cannot bear to hear him say, for fear of my heart breaking with the sheer hopelessness of it all.

 

Fuck, who am I kidding… I would give anything, *everything*, for the freedom to hear him whisper those words again and again in my ear, as much as he wants; for the right to lie in each other's arms night after night; for the sweet privilege of possessing him and being possessed by him, forever.

 

But this is how things are. And I ache for him, I *ache* for the sheer futility of his unspoken devotion. I am furious with him for refusing to listen to me, to forget about me and move on with his life.

 

Still, undeniably selfish, hypocritical *bastard* that I am, I wait. Every time he goes away, I count the minutes, the hours, the days. And I wait. I wait for the one who gives meaning to my life. Who is the *meaning* of my life. Who has been both my weakness and my strength, since he opened his door one rainy night and stole my soul, unbeknownst to me at the time. I wait for the one who gave my soul back to me, that bleak, hopeless day ten years ago, and opened my eyes to the truth of my own feelings for him. And that same day I surrendered my soul back to him for safekeeping.

 

I live for the day that I see the familiar, beloved, mischievous figure standing down there in the courtyard, looking up at me with naked worship in his eyes. I wait for the day when I go down coolly and greet him mildly, with my heart pounding madly in my chest the whole time. * My soul has returned. *

 

You came.

 

Of course I did.

 

You shouldn't have. You mustn't.

 

I choose YOU.

 

 

Ruby

 

“Most things break, including hearts. The lessons of life amount not to wisdom, but to scar tissue and callus.” -- Wallace Stegner

 

 

Dammit! One week, seven *fucking* days, and all my self-control blown to smithereens. I could have spent three months by his side again; three long, agonizing, tortuous months sharing his table, conversing with him, sitting silently by as he conducts his affairs as is demanded of him, until he is free to spend some time with me, smoking in quiet companionship, drinking, talking, reminiscing…

 

… Stealing yearning glances, fighting against the overpowering longing to clasp his body against mine, to press hungry burning kisses all over that impossibly perfect face, to crush his lips beneath my lips, to claim him in sweet possession…

 

Well I certainly cracked, didn't I, stupid, BAKA erogappa. I certainly caved in last night; and oh it was good, so *good* to have him in my arms again, after so long… The last time had been five years ago, when I immediately disappeared for a year and a half after the incident. Then, it was he who had crumbled; it was he who slammed me hard against the pillar, in the cool moonlit shadows of the courtyard. Without warning I was pinned helplessly between cold, unyielding stone and his hard, burning body, his mouth ravishing mine, groaning desperately.

 

It was he who capitulated; but it was still I who drove him back, unintentionally, when I groaned against his mouth, as I did last night. “ * Sanzo… God, how I love you…* “ Only, just like last night, I didn't get to finish my sentence the last time either. I never get to finish it.

 

And so I go away again, with his words from long ago echoing in my mind, “This is the way it has to be…” And he always throws it to my face that I have a choice, the goddamn bastard. My corrupt monk. Can't he see? The only choice is *him*. In whatever way I can have him. That is why I come back, that is why I return to him, again and again. That is why I will return again, when the longing cuts too deep for me to bear.

 

* I choose him. * The untouchable, enigmatic, beautiful man who can have whoever he wants - well, he would, if he were not the Holiest of Holies - and he, who could have anyone he chooses, for whatever reason under heaven, wants * only me * . No matter that it is forbidden. Each time our eyes meet he opens himself and lets me see into his soul, and there… * I see only myself. *

 

Fucking unbelievable. But it is a truth that I guard jealously, that I hoard secretly to me. Sanzo lives for me. And he is my redemption. Because he loves only me - he loves this red hair, and these red eyes, and the scars that just last night he had caressed oh-so-tenderly. Sanzo loves me, Sha Gojyo.

 

He has never spoken the words, as he will never allow me to speak them to him, but I know. I know. Because he goes on, day after day, just as he promised me, so long ago in the woods, with the stars for witness. He goes on, even though the cloistered temple life must fucking be killing him.

 

* He goes on. For me. *

 

And it is enough.

 

… Isn't it?

 

~*~*~*~

 

Sun In The Night

Lighthouse Family

 

How many times in your life

Have you ever had the feeling that

The way you live is crazy

And there must be something else

When you look at the sky

Does it ever cross your mind

There could be something you've forgotten

That won't ever go away

 

Like the sun

In the night

Like the sun

In the night

 

You'll always be with me, baby

Here in my soul

You'll always be with me

Wherever I go

 

It gets too much after a while

Try to always hide your feelings

When the world is going crazy

And you keep it to yourself

How much it hurts

Though you try, try to get on with your life

You tell yourself that worse things happen

And just hope it goes away

 

Like the sun

In the night

Like the sun

In the night

 

You'll always be with me, baby

Here in my soul

You'll always be with me

Wherever I go

 

~*~*~*~

 

 

 

 

“The best love affairs are those we never had.” -Norman Lindsay

 

 

Ruby/Amethyst

 

Wait for me. I'm coming back. I might take longer this time, until I reign myself in, but I'm coming back.

 

I know you will. You choose me. I know.

 

I love you.

 

I know.

 

Do you love me?

 

Don't you know, baka erogappa? It's the only thing keeping me alive.

 

I know, my beautiful, corrupt monk. I know.

 

What happens when I go? What happens when all that is left when you appear out of nowhere is just a cold grave?

 

Ah. Maybe then I will be allowed to finish my sentence, ne? … And *then* the banishing gun will finally fire its last bullet.

 

Sou ka.

 

Will you give it to me, the next time I come?

 

No.

 

You goddamn selfish bouzu…

 

I'll give it to you when I feel the time is near. I'll give it to you.

 

You promise, my love?

 

… Cross *your* heart, baka erogappa…

 

 

~*~*~*~

 

“I shall be telling this with a sigh, somewhere ages and ages hence -

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.”

Robert Frost

 

 

-owari-

 

Japanese mini-glossary

 

Bouzu: monk

Minna: Everyone

Tenkai: Heaven

Ne: Right

Hai: Yes

Sumimasen: Excuse me/ I'm sorry

Ikuzo: Let's go

Baka: Stupid/ fool

Erogappa: Horny water imp

Bakazaru: stupid monkey

Sou ka: is that so

Nani: What

Gomen: Sorry

Urusei: Shut up

Demo: But

Ikkou: group

Hage bouzu: baldy monk