Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Frozen Heart ❯ Frozen Heart ( Chapter 6 )

Frozen Heart 6

by Sage_libra

Day was dawning. Duo knew this because the reassuring warmth of the sun gradually enveloped him and chased away the lingering cold of the night. Too bad, he acknowledged grimly, that not even the sun could thaw out the ice wrapped around his heart.

He leant forward in his chair, hungry for more of the sun's warmth. It had become a habit for him to sit out on the balcony of his penthouse suite at the break of dawn and wait for the sunrise.

Mrs. Hill, the housekeeper, thought the sunrise gave him hope for eventual recovery.

Jason worried silently that at any moment he would give in to depression and throw himself off the 100-storey building.

His mouth twisted. They were both wrong, of course. He had lost the right to determine his death a long time ago, when a thoughtless act had brought about the deaths of the only family he had known.

And even if he had the right- a small, bitter smile touched his mouth- hope and depression were feelings. And with the loss of his eyes, he had also, apparently, lost those too.

Only Derek, surprisingly enough, had understood. Duo had not had the opportunity to meet Jason's brother face-to-face. Seriously injured after the fight with Jason's attackers, sheer pig-headedness had kept him on the bike long enough to get them to safety, after which he had collapsed. Coming to in a hospital several days later, his sight had left him. Therefore, Derek was just a voice to him. A presence. Duo hated to admit it, but as much as he needed and appreciated Jason's enthusiastic care and unquestioning companionship, it was Derek's easy acceptance and quiet support that had kept him from totally sliding into the darkness that had begun to claim his soul shortly after claiming his vision.

~Flashback~

He was sitting out on the balcony, his eyes staring straight ahead, when he felt the quiet presence behind his chair.

"Derek."

"Good morning. May I join you?" The deep voice had just the right amount of warmth to be friendly without being imposing.

"It's your place." Duo reminded him, his tone indicating no preference either way. When he had suggested moving out, after all, he had enough money to live comfortably for the rest of his life, Derek had rejected the idea outright. As a result, he had been given a permanent room in the penthouse suite the brothers owned. His mouth curled slightly. "I suppose Jason sent you to keep me from throwing myself over the railing?"

"His imagination is driving him stark raving mad." Amusement colored the older man's voice. "I agreed if only to get him off my back." The sound of a chair being brought a small distance, followed by Derek making himself comfortable beside him. "I told him he was being an ass. You're not the type to do yourself in."

In spite of himself, Duo found his head turning to `look' at his companion. "I'm not

"Nope." Derek scoffed lightly. "You don't honestly think I'd have let you stay in a penthouse suite if I had even suspected you of suicidal tendencies? In my experience, it's the silently depressed that's liable to kill themselves. You're more quiet than I think is natural for you, but nowhere near depressed."

"I'm not?" Duo repeated, his tone losing its bite for the first time in a long while.

"Max, depressed people do not force themselves to get up at the break of dawn in order to glower at the sun. They don't argue energetically with the people trying to help them" Duo had the grace to be embarrassed, recalling how he had often snapped at Jason and Mrs. Hills, "and they certainly don't tune in to the radio to find out how the war is going." He flinched inwardly at that. It had been among the first things he had asked for. He detested the weakness, but he needed to know how the others were, and since he had cut off all communications with Quatre, the news had become his only source of information about the terrorists.

"I don't know what you're feeling, Max, and I'm not stupid enough to pretend that I can begin to understand how you can cope with your situation, but right here and right now, I don't believe you're quite ready to say your goodbyes just yet."

A small silence followed.

"So why do you think I hang out on the balcony?" Duo finally asked, curious to know just how much the other man really understood.

"Frankly? You're a survivor, Max. Despite your age and the crap you've been through, you're not about to give up. In fact, I seriously doubt there's much that can keep you down for long." Respect colored the quiet voice. Duo looked away, biting his lip, recalling the squalor and hopelessness on L2. Yeah, he'd survived that too, hadn't he?

"But emotionally? You're a mess, Max. Lost." Derek paused, noting the shudder that went on through the thin figure. He went on gently. "Angry at that person who had hurt you so badly that you had to run away and leave behind everything familiar and yours, afraid that with the loss of your eyesight you've become helpless and even more alone. Your life is in pieces around you, and you don't know where to start putting it back together again."

"I think you come out here every morning because you're looking for something. Something inside you that will give you the will to go on when the rest of you wants to give up. I don't believe you seriously want to die, but I think you don't really want to move on either."

"You just don't care either way."

"Damn." Duo was shaken. He was close. So close to the truth it stirred something in him. "Remind me never to play poker with you."

A small laugh and a brief squeeze on his shoulder.

"I take it Jason hasn't told you much about me. I'm a shrink, Max, a damned good one, if I may say so myself. Unearthing people's motivations is what I do." The sound of the chair moving back as he stood. "If you ever need to talk, you know where to find me." Humor creeped back into the rich baritone. "In the meantime, I'd consider it a favor if you'd put Jason's mind at ease. His heart's in the right place, but the kid tends to jump to all sorts of conclusions."

"I will." Duo agreed after a moment. "Thanks man- for everything." And he meant it. He knew he'd been a pain in the ass. Alone, angry, afraid and unable to lash out at anyone or anything, he had alternated between silent brooding and sharp sarcasm. But now, he felt lighter, as though Derek's understanding had somehow eased the tightness in his chest.

"Anytime, Max." Perhaps, had he been able to see, he would have seen the fleeting tenderness in the older man's eyes as he looked down at the blind boy. "Anytime."

~end Flashback~

It was after that conversation that Duo emerged from the angry place he had hidden in. He took stock of his options with a hard eye and planned his future.

The doctors had assured him that there was a still a chance that his vision could come back. His optic nerves hadn't been irreparably damaged, after all. Who knows, they had chorused with false cheer, one day he might wake up and be able to see.

In a way, that elusive hope had crueler than if he had gone permanently blind. The waiting, the unending cycle of hope and disappointment had worn him down until there were days he had wanted to scream from the futility of it all.

Duo wasn't a patient man, and he knew that. Uncertainty was his worst enemy, and to overcome it, he stopped going to the doctors. He chose to assume that his blindness was there to stay and proceeded to act based on that presumption.

Drawing on a secret stash of funds that his former teammates wouldn't be able to trace, he began constructing his new identity. Max Wallis was Jason's visiting blind cousin from the colonies. He also bought a smaller unit a level down from Jason and Derek. It was being fixed up for him and should be ready in another week. Jason had protested strenuously, insisting that it was unnecessary and pointing out that in his condition it was also potentially dangerous. But Duo was determined to be fully independent. He was not going to leech off Jason and Derek forever.

He spent his days mapping his surroundings. Counting steps, forming blueprints in his mind. It kept him busy. Kept his mind occupied. Kept him exhausted so that at night he dropped off to sleep the moment his head touched the pillow.

It was only during the mornings, when all was quiet, that he allowed himself to remember.

Derek was right. He was a survivor. No matter how painful or hard, he would survive. Not for himself, but for the people who had died for him. For Father Maxwell and Sister Helen and all the other orphans. They had died so that he could live. He owed them to make the best of his life, as pitiful as it was.

He closed his eyes briefly as he came to a decision. Reaching out, he turned the radio off.

Duo Maxwell was dead. It was time to put him to rest.

-end Part 6-